Disturbances in LT2 continue. Though not as blatant as yesterday's. Why is it disturbing us??? Daisy people had no problem, apparently. Neither did dramafeste people. Maybe it's the fact that we're doing a play called mayat (corpse) and it's blasphemous and bad and so... memanggil. And some more we had the mayat prop, which seemed extremely realistic and they all had to play with it, and hang it backstage, in the dark. I mean... no wonder. And now, thank god, we've dismantled the thing.

Saw, out of the corner of my eye, this figure of a man wearing a white shirt, hovering somewhere near the seats at the top. When I went home, Yashira confirmed it with me. She saw it too. She saw it more; once she saw it at the bottom of the LT. Bad bad. Got more and more freaked out as I got home. Then Nadia took the photo which accidentally captured this weird unexplainable, weird orangey object. God knows what it is. Blah. Then had to come home and let my mum tell me more stories about ghosts (after I told her more about what happened) and my brother had to tell me how, after we played 'ghosts' during the day (I played Sadako, dressed in white and hair all over my face), there were weird noises outside his window at night. Which proves the theory of the mayat prop.

Anyway, am becoming really tired with all these rehearsals... But happier about drama now, because things are materialising and it's this friday and it all will be over soon. And Kak Naz is coming to watch! Quite unbelievable.

And am... gosh. Dont know what to think. Unfair, unfair. It's just so muddling me up. Rambling.

The freakiest thing happened during drama today. Something was playing with the lights and sounds when we were rehearsing. At first, we were simply irritated by the scratchy, breathy noises coming over the sound system. Someone even joked that some people were playing porn. Haha. We thought it was a prank... but soon enough, it became clear, that there was nobody, (nobody we could see that is), playing with the lights or microphones. The first time I started to really freak out was when the noise started again and I was suddenly struck by the memory of Umi telling me about how those things sound. It was exactly how she described the noises she heard in the night, during kampung times. @_@ I don't know... But from then, I just started to wonder. The sounds and lights started changing and flickering and disturbing us intermittently. And we screamed a bit. And Hadri attempted to read the 3 Quls, although he forgot how the last Qul went (Qul a'u zubira bil falaq...). Our practice kept being interrupted.

At one point, Matin alerted us all that he'd seen the door of the sound room open and close of its own accord. We all snapped our eyes to the top of the LT to look, and seconds later, the lights within the sound room went off, and immediately, the whole LT went pitch black as well. Everyone, or so it seemed to me, screamed! Then everyone started scrambling towards the doors; I ran out half laughing, half screaming. The fact that there were so many of us actually made it funny, but in all honesty, it's all... so strange. After that, we went back in slowly, and switched the lights back on... and after a while, the disturbances stopped.

Wow. I really don't know what it was... But how interesting. One thing's for sure. I won't be very comfortable being on my own in LT2 anymore. And no way am I going into the LT first tomorrow, as I normally do. Before this.

Oh my gosh, I can't wait. I can't wait to get there. Leaving on 6th. It's like the light at the end of this long tunnel of... confusion and depression and betrayal and stress. And will have to bring along all my study stuff because I won't have time when I come back... Taking Garuda flight in the afternoon, and am going to try doing chem in the plane. I think I won't want to come back here at all after going there.

Had taklimat at Masjid Darussalam today and suddenly the whole idea of being tetamu Allah finally sinked in. Indescribable, excited feeling. Although I think it supremely unfair that it's so hard for women to get the opportunity to step into Raudah in Masjid Nabawi. I really really really really want to. It's said to be a piece of heaven, here on earth.

Feel myself slipping once again. Feel like bursting into tears at the weirdest moments. I don't want to go around swiping at my eyes in public, dark or not. And everytime I actually get down to planning and doing work and attempting to finish my stuff, I get a throbbing headache. Life is freakingly unfair. I know I should be grateful, but still, sometimes, I feel like I should be entitled to moan a little. Some people have it so easy... it seems. Gah. I should stop this.

A week to drama. No words.

Was watching a moment ago, IMO, one of Indon's longest running drama series on Suria, Dia. My mum follows it diligently and occassionally I sit down and watch. As in tonight's instance, when O.C. decided to air at 11, and I decided I couldn't be bothered. There's this guy in the show called Eka, who every girl seems to want. It's nuts. Me and sis were laughing so much as we discussed this... (Am reminded of Lymond.) And Eka was so confused and surprised because his best friend just declared her love for him. She left to live somewhere far away shortly after the declaration of love. So sad. He's nice, smart, gracious, good-looking... But of course, as usual, he was so profoundly stupid (as most guys are) when it came to the 'new' girl flirting with him. (She asked him to teach her how to shoot basketballs through the hoops and he complied and he had to help hold her arms?! What.) Honestly.

Was sad that my tv night was largely spoiled by American Idol. I never liked the Idol shows much. Singapore Idol mattered more because, well, it's Singapore! So Carrie won. I thought Bo would, inferring from hearsay that is.

GP Paper done. I think the compre was especially bad for me. I could finish it... but I was never really sure when I answered the questions... So hard! Ugh. Did the philosophy essay question (Is philosophy any use?) since I was reading about philosophy this morning and Sophie's World as well. But I still wasn't happy with it... Mainly because of the conclusion. Normally, I can think of a rather smashing way to end off an essay, but today, I couldn't, although I had about five minutes to think about it! And I think my english was quite atrocious. I kept using the world 'life' and 'way' and 'form'. Must widen my vocab!

Pigey just showed me bradford university's biomedical courses... Sounds interesting! I think I don't mind researching cures and all that... I just don't think I'm all up for handling people's lives. Being a doctor is scary... and hard. Must think about it thoroughly before deciding... There's a course in Cancer Biology. That's intriguing.

It's sad that everytime I discover these things I fall back to reality and remember that I'm in Singapore, and to go study somewhere else, I have to be superb in my academic work. My testimonial has to be darn good so some nice soul out there can provide me the money to experience overseas education. Argh.

GP Common Test 2 today.

Been reading about philosophers on Wikipedia, and noticed that a lot of them were born in April! Hm... Read about David Hume, Thomas Reid, Immanuel Kant, Thomas Hobbes, Rene Descartes...

Hope I'll be able to write later... Feel tired already.

I read this somewhere. Couldn't resist pasting... Haha.

“Don’t underestimate the ability of stupid people in large groups.” –Unknown

I think I finally caught the virus that's been going around. Runny nose, itchy throat and mouth ulcers. Gah.

Am intermittently going into this mode : @_@. Because drama is in little more than a week. I am scared.

Oh, hey, Mr Chan did invite our class to his wedding! But it seems I won't be around. Will be going for umrah from 6th to 13th June. I need spiritual healing. Too much stress and distraction. Must get back on track. Realise I miss egypt so much.

I do the stupidest things. A lot of the times. Ugh. Why why why why why why. So dumb.

Anyway, have drama later. On this vesak day. Ah sigh. We do need the practice badly.

I am up there on the highest level of frustration.

Haven't you been so afraid to do something, because going either way, you take HUGE BLOODY RISKS, but then you can't just not do anything either because it'll drive you mad? How about thinking you know something but doubting yourself constantly? Peachy. I'm ready to claw my face into ribbons. The birdieocrats must be cringing now. As it is, I'm cursing intermittently, slapping my forehead every now and then, and just mentally torturing myself. Oh my god. I must be rational. a.r.g.h.

I wonder if a large part of the reason for my being quite reserved around people I don't know is my fear of being exposed as the nutso I am if I talk too much. Haha.

Went to Kak Shida's place for liqa' yesterday. Haven't seen Adel for some time now... So cuuute. He's so close to his grandfather that when Ami Ali had to go home, he wouldn't let go of Ami Ali's neck. So then they played cak-cak or peek-a-boo with the blanket. And Ami Ali dashed off home while Adel was waiting under the blankets. Even Adel, after waiting for so long for Ami Ali to appear again, realised something was amiss. Then he came out of the bedroom bawling for his grandfather. So kesian! Consequently, he had to be amused for a continuous 10 minutes to calm him down. Playing with the doorbell did the trick. And Abah likes to menyakat him. Haha.

Had Ami Ali answer my burning question, after some time now... And am satisfied with answer, although it has brought up more questions... Hm.

Watched Hashim play hockey today. Of course RJ won. But so poor things... the AC boys... Well, maybe I'm biased, seeing as how my brother's there. Or maybe I am such a sucker for underdogs. Hello people, why make it soooo easy for RJ to win??? Fight harder! It's like... everything's more or less a breeze for them. Hmph. What is wrong with the AC boys... they can't pass properly! Half the time they lose posession of the ball because some nut let the ball roll away from his stick or can't stop the ball. WHAT. I was so frustrated. Clearly, my loyalties are torn. Haha. Blood runs deeper than... school spirit? Heh.

I think I still wanted RJ to win, but I also wanted AC to make it hard for them. Haiyah. -_- But of course the RJ team is darn good. They have much talent. Really quite a lot of it.

I couldn't help it. I actually cheered when Hashim stole the ball from Iylia. Oh, blasphemous. Where is my Rafflesian spirit? And why does he have to come out ONLY in the last 15 minutes?!
Oh, sat next to Yus, and once, she shocked me by screaming out really, really loud for Jau. Haha. But apparently he never hears.

Oh and saw Sandhya who is in AC's girls' hockey team, and she expressed her shock at knowing that my brother is my brother. Couldn't find anything to say to her. Hm. Left for Tampines to meet Umi at optician's.

Oh, how hypocritical people can be. How fake. Thank god for true friends who are really true.

Blah. Why am I rambling? Being angsty I am. Speaking of which... I wanna watch Star Wars.

SPAs completely over. Yay.

Broke my promise: Borrowed War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells. Lucky it's a short story.

Feeling stressed over drama again. But I am comforted by the thought that whatever happens by 3rd June, disastrous or not, it will all be over and off my chest by then, and I can clear my mind.

Less than 3 weeks to drama. Freaking out.

There are not many halfway decent pictures of shamrocks out there... Hm. Apparently, there's some wrestler or some guy called Shamrock?! Ugh.

Feeling very tired these days. And tomorrow is nightmare day: GP Essay and Chem SPA, albeit the very last one ever.

Shall go study. I have to study. Must get that into my head.

After drama, I'll be free to just study.

Why is this entry becoming an accumulation of chopped up sentences. I have lost the ability to write. Blah.

You know how you think life is hard, and sometimes you think you get, really, the worst deal... Celebrate the fact that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

By the way, I received my GP Essay that I wrote on moderation. The question was: "The secret of a happy life is moderation in all things." Discuss.

I was pretty disappointed. Barely touched 30 marks. Got 29.5 upon 50. But I disagree with Ms Lo! DISAGREE!!! I think what I wrote made sense! I think that people can still be happy following their passion because there's no such thing as not having the aptitude for a passionate pursuit! And naturally, you would be good at what you like! I mean, if you love football, wouldn't you exert all your energy and time in it that you'd be good at it? And if you're good at writing, it's because you like it, isn't it? And she still questioned about the aptitude thing even though I gave the Mary Shelley quote from Nikki's Frankenstein book: A mind of moderate capacity which closely pursued one study must infallibly arrive at great proficiency in that study.

Basically, my argument for the topic is that we should have moderation for some things in life, like food and wealth and spending money - to protect our well-being and health. But you shouldn't restrict yourself in the things you love to do, for the sake of moderation. How then will you ever become outstanding? I mean, Edison, for instance wasn't moderate in his research, was he? He made over a 1000 failed light bulbs before succeeding. If he'd decided to be moderate, he would have stopped at a 100 and decided to go do something else. And where would we be now? Using candles still?

Be moderate in all things and be a Jack of all trades but master of none.

I mean! Am trying to make a point here! Moderation restricts human potential. I really don't like moderation. In my perception, moderation quells passion. And I believe that life is all about passion. Be it for knowledge, love, or truth. And to have no passion, would be like existing, instead of living. And doesn't happiness come with having lived a life worth living, and not merely sustained an existence for a short lifespan of maybe 70 years?

Let's try to see it in a different way: If you're always moderate, and you take things in moderation, in a sense, you're protecting yourself from extreme disappointment or sadness. You're always at that safe emotional level. But doesn't life then become... somewhat stagnant? You don't drop low but neither do you reach the highs! And haven't you heard that to experience happiness and pleasure, you must know how pain feels first? How can one experience happiness if one is constantly at that same safe emotional level??? It seems it is reasonable to conclude that the prerequisite of happiness is its opposite: depression. So that just rips the whole moderation thing apart. BAH. I should have written that.

Phy SPA tmr! And after that only have one chem SPA left. Yaaaay.

A passage from The Queen's Fool.

The queen had to watch all this. The queen, worn thin to gauntness, with a flat belly, had to watch her younger sister summon the king by merely raising her plucked eyebrow. The queen had to watch the man she still passionately loved at another woman's beck and call, and that woman, Elizabeth, the unwanted sister who had stolen Mary's father, was now seducing her husband.

Queen Mary never showed a flicker of emotion. Not when she leaned from her chair and made a smiling remark to Philip and then realised that he had not even heard her, he was so absorbed in watching Elizabeth dance. Not when Elizabeth brought him a book she was reading and composed a Latin motto for the dedication, extempore before the whole court. Not when Elizabeth sang him a tune which she had written for him, not when Elizabeth challenged him to a race while out hunting, and the two of them outstripped the court and were missing for half an hour. Mary had all the dignity of her mother, Katherine of Aragorn, who had seen her own husband besotted by another woman for six long years and for the first three of them had sat on her throne and smiled at them both. Just as her mother had done, Mary smiled at Philip with love and understanding, and smiled at Elizabeth with courtesy; and only I, and the few people who really loved her, would have known that her heart was breaking.

I have vowed not to touch any novel or set my eyes on any fictional works till As are completely over. EXCEPT FOR Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and OotP, which I will have to reread before I get HBP.

I HAVE TO START SERIOUS STUDYING.

Hari Raya Haji 2005. My mother's side. Three generations. Granny, mum and aunts, and me, sis and cousin.

I sound quite nuts in the last entry. Hm. What's new.

Eunice and Yu Jie have started Checkmate! Oh my gosh. So fast. It was less than a year ago when I was reading it. I took about three days I think.

I have also finished The Queen's Fool. I've been reading at the rate of a speeding bullet, it seems. I only bought the book last Thursday. And now I'm done. I love the story! I love Philippa Gregory's writing! It's not as deep as Dunnett's or as flowery, but there's something about the straightforwardness that gives a sense of closeness and easy empathy to the main character. And oh my goodness, the Queen Mary Tudor is such a poor thing (as portrayed in the book). She dies all alone in the world, misunderstood, sick with grief, her sister turned away from her and the whole of England rooting for the younger Princess Elizabeth. Oh, and the theme of Gregory's stories always seem to center on feminism and gender equality. Even in The Other Boleyn Girl and The Little House, it was about how a woman always seems restricted eventually because of her sex, more so in the past, but now as well. Which makes me wonder if male readers find it at all appealing.

Chem test tmr which I am as usual quite unprepared for. Oh, all these books will be the death of me.

Eunice has finished RC!!! OMG. And she's squealing. Absolutely understandable. The whole Languished locked in L part and everything that comes after. PRECIOUS. Gosh, I love Lymond. How can one not. Even if the whole series has been tedious, (but absolutely exciting!) THIS IS THE REWARD. What happens in Ringed Castle and after is just amazing. I was completely sucked in. The series is absolutely worth it. All those reviews I read before I actually embarked on the reading... they always said it was hard at first, what with all the random quotes and references... But it's all so worth it. I cannot even begin to describe the experience.

Shall quote Eunice's review of RC. HAHA. So amusing. And I empathise completely.

There are an incredible number of AARGH!!s and HAHAHAHAHA!!s in my notebook (her notebook for lymond) -- gives you an indication of the complete WRENCHING OF FEELINGS.

Yes. Wrenching of feelings is what it is.

Often, she writes such things:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!! AARGH! I -- AAAAAAARGH!! WORDS FAIL ME. THEY ALWAYS HAVE, BUT NOW ESPECIALLY SO. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. Richard sent back the silver rose tree? (See Queen's Play, page 298 if you have forgotten.) WHY. WHY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. AAAAAAAAAARGH!! I can only imagine how Lymond feels, and that would be 1/10000000000000000 of what he actually feels. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. So SAD. AAAAAAAAAARGH.

Amusing. Extremely so.

For all you out there clueless to what I'm saying... I'm sorry. But Lymond is great! Absolutely a fantastic read. Something to occupy you for a good two years or so... Haha. So go read! (I feel like an advert. Authors should employ me to advertise their books. I seem quite good at this.)

And oh, have to add that I watched Opera Prime Time just now and it was dearest Jude Law! Omg. How gorgeous can a man get. If they EVER decide to make a Lymond movie, they have to let Jude Law play Lymond! Have to! And his natural hair colour is a gorgeous blonde that would be perfect for Lymond. And he's such a nice person too. But that's beside his perfect looks that would be perfect for Francis Crawford.

Goodness. I have to stop. Haha.

Happy sigh.

Oh, and this is my number 19 seal at the zoo! During the learning journey, we saw a seal and it had my register number. So... haha. Crappy.

My slice of cake from the birdieocrats.

I shall describe what I received from the birdieocrats.

A bag of things including... a lemon (haha) and frankincense (both have significance to lymond), a green towel, a '101 Things You Need To Know About Me' by DM (which includes No. 7 - I have a crush on Crabbe), A Nonsensical Story by Yu Jie, A Lovely Story by Eunice and Yu Jie (the whole leprechaun chain story thingy), two more literary works by Eunice, a stress ball, a bag of candy chosen because of its name: Midget Gems and a separate slice of chocolate cake. Oh, forgot to mention the tiny lego figurine of DM himself.

But I STILL dont know what R _ _ _M_ _ _ is.

Just gave umi her mother's day stuff, which we put together last minute. It was meant to be something more, but we didn't have time to put together what we planned. Ah sigh. As usual. There were some muffins and ice cream, and a box of potpourri and sweets. My brother, in his last minute attempt, gave a handdrawn card which is soooo cute! It said, "Thanks for keeping me in line..." and under it he drew a big mother duck holding a spatula (representing umi), a duckling with glasses and hugging a math book (me. an outdated one. haha. I dont mug math like I used to.), a duckling behind that one, holding a handphone and a sling bag (my sis who my brother claims is a minah. she isnt.) and the last duckling... lagging behind, with a football. (him.) SO CUUUTE!

I bought 'The Queen's Fool' by Philippa Gregory! I have decided that I really like her works. And her historical fiction is especially nice! So far, this book has been quite unputdownable like The Other Boleyn Girl was and I think I am becoming quite a master of 16th century Europe. I think I really am. Haha. From Lymond and now this! And oh my god, I really like John Dee! He's a genius. A scary genius.

Okay. I sohuld go and do bio. My brother and sister are studying and here I am not doing anything!

Don't quite know how to begin. My birthdays are really becoming quite an exciting event for me these past few years. When I was younger, I had lesser surprises, and I suppose looked forward to birthdays less. Although I did receive presents and such.

Well, woke up on the morning of 29th April, feeling perfectly normal. Got out of the house a bit late because I was rushing to print that blardy bio essay at 5.55am, and the printer was being cranky. I had to open and examine the inside of the printer a couple of times. So I caught the later 6.37 train from Tampines. When I got to Bishan, Nikki immediately started flashing her camera at me. Threw me off guard. Haiyoh, and that girl... She went around telling everyone who had the slightest knowledge of who I was that it was my birthday. She even tried to tell Ms Eva Hor. I was getting terrified.

Then we had an uneventful physics prac (where Anan plotted his centroid wrongly), in extremely hot, stuffy weather. And I got progressively moodier because I realised Jean didn't want to go for our planned prata outing. And then Jani decided to join her mugging session at the library! I was getting pretty annoyed. I mean, it's perfectly all right if I get no presents at all. But to want to MUG IN THE LIBRARY AND MISS GOING OUT FOR BREAKFAST WITH ME ON MY BIRTHDAY is pretty unacceptable. So I started to get snappish with Jean, as I do when she starts to bug me. (Haha, sorry Jean dear. But you know, we're practically like sisters. We bug each other and confide in each other.) But I had the hope that she'd change her mind after physics prac, but she didn't! Jani and Jean then parted from the remaining 5 girls in the class (Nikki, me, Jess, Grace and Shaf), saying their 'sorry's that they couldn't join us. By that point I was like... "Okay... Whatever." And tried to rationalise that, you know, perhaps some people do have more discipline than me and prioritise work over everything else. Oh, and Addy had her 'play' time as she always does on Friday, which is fine.

So the five of us went to the bus stop. We took 410 to Upper Thompson Road. And I was not enjoying myself as much as I hoped I would. I remember even forcing myself to smile, because well, at least Nikki was there and she was planning something, even though it was going to be smashing eggs on the top of my head, as I thought it would be. And at least Shaf and Grace and Jess were there.

I ordered egg prata, and was amused at the way Jess took charge of everything and how she's, you know, so assertive. Gosh, she makes me laugh. Oh, had milo dinosaur and realise it really is quite an amazing beverage. So chocolatey and good. Nikki and Grace then disappeared to the Macs toilet for a while and I briefly wondered if they were up to something, but then dismissed any such thoughts because my expectations had fallen low. Then, after we were almost done with devouring the pratas...

Jean and Jani appeared! With a Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie flavoured ice cream, and I remember being completely surprised! There was a candle stuck in the middle of the melting tub of ice cream and someone saying, "Blow! Blow!" So I did, because I was so completely taken aback, I was at a lost of what to do for that moment. Nikki snapped photos. Then I got my presents: A small bouquet of flowers from the girls, a looooong funny letter and body shop goods from Nikki, a gorgeous card with a knitted cover and a pair of dangly blue earrings from Jean. I was so happy. I was completely lifted from my gloomy emotional pit. Exclaimed quite a bit over both letter and card.

From Nikki:

"... today is undeniably one of the most important days ever - you have the right to drink (or refuse) alcohol, (knowing you, you will pick the latter, because firstly, it is haram and secondly it is quite disgusting but anyway, I digress); you can soon start to drive ANDAND AND you can marry. LEGALLY."

"Your blurness merged with the psycho you are is, quite frankly, a lethal laughter-inducing combination."

I cracked up while reading. Because she sounded so funny! And she called me a kacang puteh, otak senget oh so adorably blur girl-thing. Dearest Nikki, I love you lots. Despite everything. Muahaha. Thank you for this and for just, being you.

Oh, Jean's card is just gorgeous! I wish I could frame it up somewhere, but my room is already so cluttered, I dont know where to put it. And she deliberately misspelled my name on the envelope like the photog people almost always do back in RG. *rolls eyes*

Oh, then met Eunice... who got her lip cut with her own teeth when she fell during pe. (Honestly. Please be more careful and protect your god-given facial features.) And Yu Jie called and tried to spook me by pretending that she's nearby. Received numerous smses from all the birds and from other people. Received several wishes... from Yash too. An ecard from jiawen, a post in my gb from yeatian and an email from Sarah Siew. Oh, and we got a replacement for Yash for drama, much to her relief I think.

The birdieocrats have asked me to reserve Monday but won't tell me a thing about what's happening. I'm just supposed to wait for Monday to roll around. And they've also been sending me weird chapters of a weird chain story (or so it seems) about a leprechaun who caused me to shrink, about, inevitably, dearest DM, about some weird Board of Bimbos, about an Albinos Association and about some tanning business. Madness. And have asked me to figure this word out: R _ _ _M _ _ _ God knows what it is.

I got a lamb thingy that holds up paper from sis. Me and sis both adore my dear Elsie. She's so cute. Oh, our poor pet-deprived souls. Nothing from brother, but hey, he's a boy and boys, and all males practically, are like that. Unless it's their girlfriend's birthday.

Got another pair of earrings from rich lawyer aunt. Haha. Expensive ones and am wearing them now. Received money from my other aunts and mum's friend, Auntie Mariam. And umi got me a black sling bag with metallic buckles from Isetan and abah bought me platform shoes from Americaya. Umi was like, "Alah. You're still not taller than me after wearing that." I felt -_- Give up already. I have. And I'm fine with this, really. But sometimes wish I could sprout several inches just to make them happy.

So... I have been having quite a fantastic birthday weekend. Went out today after drama at matin's house (God, his cat is so fat and adorable and like a rug!) to eat lunch with cik dah (after what seems like AGES) and dessert at airport's swensens. It's been nice. And I'm feeling rarely optimistic.

I somehow feel I don't deserve all these nice things. You know how it's nice to get presents but you feel so... bad, for lack of better word, for receiving them. I sometimes think, when I get another present, enough enough! Don't want anymore. Haha.

Bro and sis are watching Jeepers Creepers 2 downstairs and feel compelled to go and see what they're exclaiming about. Haha.

Am 18. Wow. Hard to believe.

Only halfway through Bio S essay. Will not be handing in APQ and Numerical Methods Assignment tomorrow.

Bah.

Less than half an hour to the turn of my age.

Trying to do bio S essay.

And when it is said unto them: Make not mischief in the earth, they say: We are peacemakers only. Are not they indeed the mischief-makers? But they perceive not.
~ Surah Al-Baqarah

That's just so accurate, somehow.

From the Amazing Bouncing Rat by Maya. Conversation between a redeemed-yet-evil (how that can be possible, I don't know) DM and noble HP.

"And, while I'm sure that you're a decent person deep down-"
"Potter!"
"Really deep down-"
"Keep trying."
"Fathoms deep."
"Your universal goodwill and faith in the world makes me positively nauseous."

MiQ first round this week.

And Kingdom of Heaven is coming out in two weeks. Hm. Still don't know if I'll watch.

Feel so stressed these days, I'm getting terrible headaches from it. And am seriously lacking sleep. It seems like I have to do a million things at once and it's driving me mad.

I have family commitments, schoolwork, mcs and photog. That leaves barely anytime for recreation, friends and a life. And it seems I won't be free at all anymore to enjoy next weekend.

On friday, I have to be at about 4 places at once: photog interviews, mld meeting, drama and with family to go get injection for umrah. I wish to have a break. Really, I need a break. I don't know how some people do it - juggle a million things at once. I just desperately need a break. It feels like this whole year is one long torture treatment. And am holding on tightly to my sanity.

I miss the feeling of boredom. I miss being able to wake up in the morning and have the whole day to do whatever I want. Shouldn't life be like that?

Just had one of those episodes of mine - where I wallow in depression and self-derision. Why do I try to please everyone? Why do I try damn hard to be perfect and good and nice when I well know it's unattainable anyway? And then when I fall short of what I think I should be, the whole "I-hate-myself-I'm-incompetent" thing comes about. And bloody hell, why can't I handle confrontations? I hardly ever argue with my sister anymore even though she annoys me to the extreme, simply because I'm tired. I get easily upset when my mum starts raising her voice about the littlest things, and I just shut up and obey because am too sick and tired to defend myself, and I never win anyway. I mean, why can't people be nice?

What's my problem. I seem to think the world is supposed to be a harmonious beautiful place, full of considerate, altruistic human beings who care for each other and the progress of humanity. It so obviously isn't. Why do we work toward such things when perhaps Hobbes is right - we're all inherently greedy and ugly and self-centred, and society serves only to curb our evil impulses? (Feel like rereading the Lord of the Flies.)

In the beginning of the year, I prayed to God to make me not care anymore. Am tired of caring about stupid things. Am tired of worrying about how people feel. Am tired of thinking that am never good enough. Why can't I be one of those nose-in-the-air people who don't give a pipsqueak about how they appear to others? It must be darn nice to be so self-possessed.

And how come I always blame myself for everything. I'm so sick of doing that! Why can't I put the fault on others? I think I should learn to hate others more or learn to love myself more. Preferably the latter. Forgive myself for all the deficiences that I unfortunately possess.

To go completely off tangent here, how does one curb one's imagination? Am infuriating self with silly stories in my head that won't go away. There's no more story to channel it into anymore either.

Oh, yes, should record PW grade: A2. Oh well. At least it's not a B. Received the comments for PW today - for my presentation, Booth wrote: "Seems a bit lost. Waits for slide, waits for thunder too!" Why, thank you. My blurness seeps into everything.

Interviews throughout this week. Am beat.

And only two more SPAs to go for entire school year! Yay.

Had a very amusing day yesterday.

Went out with Jani and Nikki to J8 for lunch after much persuasion on our parts for Jani to come along. Had Long John Silvers (probably 5th time in entire life. don't fancy the fried food much.), talked some about curly hair, and pretty relatives. Then went to Mrs Field's and bought cookies! Some Black Superfudge thing for Jani, the White Chocolate Chip one for Nikki and the Butter Toffee one for me. Munched on cookies and walked around J8. I tried on some shoes. There's a nice Bata sandal! Wish I had had enough money to purchase it then. But then was put off by Nikki laughing at my feet or legs. Hmph. -_- I didn't even want to know what she was laughing at. Hate my legs. Okay, shall not digress into ranting about physical image. Am beyond all that by now. Anwyay, also, looked at iPods and walked around Watsons.

After all that, started to walk back to school. It was cloudy. Was drizzling. Minute droplets that were hardly felt at all.

Saw a boy carrying an umbrella. Nikki made some comment about him being a weakling. Then. It started to pour.

Madness broke out. We made a dash for the bus stop. Then laughed till my stomach hurt. And consequently, the moment we stepped out from any shelter, it started to rain heavier and we concluded it was Nikki. She is accursed. It was hilarious, really. Then we made our way through the labyrinth that is RI and waited for Jani's PRC friend to bring us an umbrella.

When the umbrella, a singular object, came, it was small... and slightly battered. And when Jani opened it, it sort of fell apart. The canvas came off the wire frames. And I started laughing again, because it was like something out of a comedy. It looked like a torture device, or so said Nikki. We managed to hook the canvas back on, somewhat, and laughed all the way back to RJ campus, huddled under that tiny umbrella. Skirt got completely drenched.

Had a really, really nice laugh.

It's annoying isn't it, how a day could be going relatively well, and then lo and behold, someone says something nasty yet true to you, you left that important thing back in school or you've received a horrible grade for the latest GP essay, and then, the day just flips over completely downside.

Am starving. No food in the house. Parents not home. When is the food coming?!

Yay. For once, there's no phy S tomorrow! Can spend time during break lounging around a bit more, and not stress over complicated equations.

Thank god for Yash. Really. I have successfully tugged on her heartstrings and she has volunteered to be Cik Puan. Yash, I love you to bits. I know you can be relied on. Finally, perhaps, I can stick to a single role in the play. And also, if you have to act, you have to come for drama practices, which means that I don't have to be the only girl all the time! Yay. Feminine company is good. Not that drama practices are all that bad. But sometimes I feel extremely alone.

We all die some day. It is just a matter of when and how. Death should not be perceived as the end. For most religions, it is the gateway to the next world, the next adventure. Thus the loss of lives should not give us reason to question our beliefs. No one promised us immortality. In fact, each of us knows we might die anytime. We should have faith in our religions and strive to be true believers of whatever God we believe in. God made us and he will bring us our deaths. What is left is to live our days as if they are our last and not cry injustice when the angel of death comes knocking on our door, especially when we least expect it.
~ GPCT2005, 'Tsunami' question

I just want to save my conclusion of my essay somewhere. So there it is.

Having very entertaining msn convo. 29 April. I want it to come, but at the same time, I don't. It means drama would be nearer and we still haven't done a lot of things. But I want it to come! Cause I miss the birds and am looking forward to whatever antics and fun stuff they've planned, or even if it is just a simple gathering. But 18 is really... old. Am so old. And I can't wait to get surprises. I hope I do get some.

Wish I would stop thinking about certain things. And wish I could will certain things to happen. Or do telepathy or something. Or read people's minds. Or if not, stop imagining things. It's really mind-exhausting.

And I want a digicam!

Dad wants to buy me high heels. He says I need to be at least the same height as sis. But you see. When will I have time to shop? Hello. No time. Weekends are not available. So much work. And am constantly sleepy when am at home.

Oh yes, missed A2 by one mark, for GP. How do people get 43 and 45 marks for essay? Really. Inconceivable.

Went for the wedding reception today. In the first place, I didn't feel like going out at all. Came home late, at 1 am last night - after we sent Ami Ali off at the airport, and after we had some supper. So, woke up at 1030 am. Then had about 2 hours or so at home before having to go out again.

I should probably have done work during that two hours. But tell me how you can just jump into work the moment you wake up. Lazed around for a while. Took a long bath. And by the time I was ready to do work, and brought my file of worksheets to the dining table, it was almost time to get ready and go out.

So I didn't do any work.

My weekend is almost over and I haven't done anything productive!

The brave do not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all.

The Culter Coat of Arms!

Since Jean requested, here it is. Photo 2 under Sowmya's Ethiopian hut.

Had MiQ. The questions are simply mind-boggling.

I got H5N1 mixed up with H1N5! Ugh. But I got the rugby question right. (What is the position of the number 15 player?) And that question where Nabi Daud can melt metal. And that the Arab philosopher is Ibn Rushd. I could not translate Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports into Malay. Forgot the "Hal Ehwal Masyarakat" part.

Oh yes!!! Saw Yusrina. Yaacob. Haha. She looks like the same nice girl. Didn't talk to her though... Should have.

Abang Mamad is now married! It was amusing, watching him tonight. He's like the closest cousin (and even then not so close) to us who's finally gotten married. It'll be exciting if Kaktiyah finally does, or haha, Hefni.

Saw Abang Dollah!!! His hair was whoa! Almost a full-fledged afro. Apparently, they lack barbers in KL. When he saw me, he was like... "How are you...?" Cause it has been a long time. But I couldn't reply anything sensible because I kept grinning and staring at his head, then I exclaimed about his hair. And he replied with something along the lines of "Cool eh?" And widened his eyes teasingly like he often does. Which then hit me with nostalgia of days long gone. The unforgettable London trip, Perth...When we all went on holidays together, and all those nice and crazy times, laughing away like hyenas. I miss those terribly. Time really changes things.

Anyway, when sis and me were at the gates of Ami Akar's house, before we actually entered, we looked at each other and she voiced out my exact thoughts: "I hate social gatherings." Haha. Because we'd be seeing people we barely recognise, not knowing how to make small talk and trying to find a place to sit. It's ugh. Normally, I try to look busy and just smile all the time. Lucky I have my sis. Without each other, we'd be lost.

At the bride's place, it was so packed and hot, I could hardly breathe. And I was tailing all the other photographers with my videocam, and was the only girl. I always get stuck doing such things. It was an Arab-Muslim wedding, but save for the actual ijab kabul and the music, everything was in malay. Hah. And I couldn't believe my dad. In the car, on the way there, he actually jokingly warned my sis and me not to "kenyit-kenyit mata" (winking, eye playing...) with the arab mats. What. @_@ I had no intention whatsoever. Honestly. And besides, me doing that? One day, I will make a point to my dad against all this arab-superiority thing by simply not getting married at all and blaming him for it all because of his insistence on arabs. Or maybe I'll go find a black man and insist on him being the love of my life. Muahahaha. Or better yet, my dear albino. I can't believe I just said that. I'm so asking for it. Haha. But really, I can't stand any group of people who feel they're just superior, be it whites or arabs. Besides, inbreeding is detrimental! Learn some bio.

Got home about 2 hours ago. Was exhausted actually, but wanted to blog badly, so here I am.

MiQ tmr. Doubt I'll know ANY answer. Oh dear.

I can't wait to get my hands on Time Traveller's Wife! Finally. Will be getting it on Monday. Thanks pigey. :)

I have nothing to write about right now... So maybe I'll just give an account of what happened today. Just a normal mundane Sunday.

Woke up at about 6.30 am, after a restless and cold night because I didn't have a quilt. Kept tugging at my sister's but she tugged back. Prayed, had my bath, got ready and left house with mum, dad and bro for Masjid Mydin for our regular religious sermons/talks/class. After that, met up with granny at the mosque, sent her to aunt's house and picked up umar and amir (cousins) to their religious classes in geylang. After that, the four of us headed towards geylang wet market. Bro and me decided we wanted macs breakfast so we split from parents and had big breakfast and egg mcmuffin instead. Amounted to appx $12, when we could have bought mee goreng each for $2.50. -_- My brother bought an extra mcmuffin for himself because he was still hungry and his belly is essentially a large garbage tank. Lounged around in macs for about 45 minutes, waiting for parents to be done with marketing, read Fellowship of the Ring (Just desperate to finish it. So draggy.) and listened to music. Peter Pan's (Indonesian band) Mungkin Nanti is just so niiiiice!!!

After that, walked around geylang and muzika records, bro contemplating whether to buy peter pan or not, waited for sis to be done with her religious class, drank uncle jenggut's bandung drink (too milky for my taste) and we all finally left geylang at 11.30 am. Reached home at 12.

Came online... posted at forum, read some lymond posts at marzipan yahoogroup, chatted to duck and turk.

Went offline at 2pm and fell asleep.

Woke up at 3.50. Prayed and started panicking. Went downstairs and finally started on bio skill A work. Then had to set food for... tea. We all watched the news... Pope John Paul passing away. Cleared food away, then continued on bio.

Close to 7, I was done with bio, and came up. And here I am. Online again. I should go off and study chem. Sigh. Parents are out. Dad went to eat mee goreng, again. @_@ He is seriously noodle-addicted.

Have drama tmr! Yikes. Have yet to memorise lines.

Got a B for Math. At least that's okay. Sigh.

Feel blank right now.

Desensitizing self.

Did badly for chem. Very badly. Have yet to know of the rest, but am preparing for the worst. You know how when you don't expect anything, you get hurt less? I learnt that a long time ago.

Went to watch The Eye 10. It was more hilarious than scary. Me and sis were completely cracked up at some parts. So utterly ridiculous. Some break-dancing, breathing, farting, and ball-bouncing. It's funny - I enjoyed it because it was such a laugh.

I don't think I can see an idle ball lying around on the ground anymore, without both getting goose bumps and a fit of giggles.

Duck. Am on a photo pasting spree. La.

Penguin! So cuuuuute. It just kept following your hand...

Us under Sowmya's Ethiopian hut, near the baboons, at the zoo. :P

I no longer feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I'm just, just, out of it, standing at the edge. But... this new position that I'm in isn't much better. I feel like I can get somewhere, but there's too many obstacles and scary things and I'm afraid. I feel like I can move forward and I want to, but am going too slow! And am half thinking that the rut down there, seems better than this.

I really have a terribly overactive imagination.

Have mentoring later, and am going out for lunch first with granny and sis. Feel somehow energyless today. Sigh. Keep thinking about how the coming week will be here soon enough, and all the crap will pile up and start again. It just goes on and on and on. And am getting scared because I keep thinking how they'll give out common test results soon and then I'll have to face my horrifying grades. Why do I have to live like this.

Borrowed a book called "The Sense of Being Stared At And Other Aspects of the Extended Mind." I just keep flipping here and there because reading it diligently from beginning to end is boring. So far, studies have shown that 55% of the time, people know when they're being stared at. That's not much at all when you take it isolatedly. If it was a matter of chance, 50% of the time, we'd guess that someone was staring at us. But what makes it mind boggling is... It turns up as 55% for separate experiments everywhere. If the same experiment turns up the same result repeatedly, it has significance. Hm.

Then there's some talk about envy and how many cultures of the world have their own word to mean the "evil eye".

Sir Francis Bacon says in his essay "On Envy" published in 1625:

There be none of those affections which have been noticed to fascinate or bewitch, but love and envy; they both have vehement wishes, they frame themselves readily into imaginations and suggestions, and they come easily into the eye, especially upon the presence of the objects which are the points that conduce to fascination, if any such there be. We see likewise that Scripture calleth envy an evil eye... There seemeth to be acknowledged, in the act of envy, an ejaculation, or irradiation of the eye. Nay some have been so curious as to note, that the times when the stroke, or percussion, of an envious eye doth most hurt, are, when the party envied is beheld in glory; for that sets an edge upon envy. ~ Pg 185

Pg 192, Rupert Sheldrake, the author, (Ph.D in BioChemistry from Cambridge, studied natural sciences in Cambridge and philosophy in Harvard and a Research Fellow of the Royal Society) says:

Although many people equate science with the rationalist ideology, others, including myself, do not. Science is not a dogmatic belief system or an ideology; it is a method of inquiry. In this spirit of inquiry, we can investigate whether phenomena like the sense of being stared at actually exist... But such an investigation is inherently controversial. The sense of being stared at was long ago classified as a superstition, and surrounded by an intellectual taboo, a boundary that should not be crossed. No educated person wants to be thought superstitious, precisely because this undermines his or her claim to be educated. To go against this taboo is a serious loss of intellectual standing, a relegation to the ranks of the uneducated, the childish, and the superstitious.

True, isn't it?

Physics over. Was scribbling like mad. Everywhere. What's new, eh? Was freezing in the hall by the way. The aircon is nuts.

Went to the zoo and took a couple of pictures. And ate Ben and Jerry's! Had the dublin mudslide. Delicious.

Parents off to Kelantan now. So it's the three of us siblings at home and granny. Feel like I can do anything tomorrow. Maybe a movie with kuzzins. Yay.

Bio.

Bloody hell. It was a lethal gene. Why couldn't I see it!!! Other than that... I completed the paper as best as I could. Some crappy answers and a terribly short essay. So hoping it wouldnt be too bad. But the MCQ was terrible. Oh well.

After tomorrow, learning journey to the zoo! Haha. That should be quite fun. I hope. Despite it definitely being scorching hot.

Had math. Was only ever so slightly better than chem. Still have transport in mammals and transport in plants to complete for bio tomorrow.

Look at what I found when I was searching for psych-related jobs on the net. A study on how rewards are often not a motivator for a task.

In the laboratory, rats get Rice Krispies. In the classroom the top students get A's, and in the factory or office the best workers get raises. It's an article of faith for most of us that rewards promote better performance.

But a growing body of research suggests that this law is not nearly as ironclad as was once thought. Psychologists have been finding that rewards can lower performance levels, especially when the performance involves creativity.

A related series of studies shows that intrinsic interest in a task - the sense that something is worth doing for its own sake - typically declines when someone is rewarded for doing it. If a reward - money, awards, praise, or winning a contest - comes to be seen as the reason one is engaging in an activity, that activity will be viewed as less enjoyable in its own right.

Turk! This is probably why you find you can't seem to write or you seem to lack inspiration nowadays! Because you're not writing for the sake of writing, you're writing for school. That's also probably why you find writing our stories the easiest. Because we decided to start the story on our own; voluntarily. You're not forced. And writing is definitely a form of creativity.

In a 1982 study, Stanford psychologist Mark L. Lepper showed that any task, no matter how enjoyable it once seemed, would be devalued if it were presented as a means rather than an end. He told a group of preschoolers they could not engage in one activity they liked until they first took part in another. Although they had enjoyed both activities equally, the children came to dislike the task that was a prerequisite for the other.

Which is why telling your child, "If you get A for math, I'll buy you a bike" is not such a good idea. I think if we want our children to get As, tell them the As are not that important, but that they should enjoy learning for what it is. And the As will come naturally, as an unnecessary bonus.

Oh my god. This gives psychological evidence to the well-loved phrase: I was born intelligent. Education ruined me.

Artists must make a living, of course, but Amabile emphasizes that "the negative impact on creativity of working for rewards can be minimized'' by playing down the significance of these rewards and trying not to use them in a controlling way. Creative work, the research suggests, cannot be forced, but only allowed to happen.

Hope that helps a bit.

Now I can see why people start to hate their jobs over time. They no longer work for the joy of it, but work for money. The work becomes a means to an end... and it becomes hated. And performance level drops.

WHICH IS WHY... If I do like psychology, I should do it! Right? Then I'd be learning psychology cause I want to and I won't be doing some popular uni course just for the sake that I get a degree and get a secure job. That's not enough motivation and will increase the likelihood of my not doing well academically.

That study also explains why privately-tutored kids are such geniuses! They're not ruined by the whole grading system.

But now... Regardless of this bit of fascinating revelation of the human mind (Oh, I do think psych's for me!) I have to get off the net, go mug Bio, so I can get good grades. Hah.

Back from chem.

Scarred, traumatised, shocked to bits. As usual. -_-

I feel tired to the bone. If this goes on till Thursday, I'll be... dead tired by then. Mentally exhausted.

Really can't stand all this mugging.

The beginning of one of those nightmare weeks. A week of just counting down to that last exam day. Disgusting. It feels surreal sometimes... like I'm hanging onto a thread, because any wrong move on my part (like ultimately slacking completely) might just snap that thread. And there I go... falling into a pit of failure, and me possibly falling off the edge of sanity.

I went through all my organic chem notes again this morning... And still, the facts seem to slip away. Stay in my brain, damn it!!! And my phy and bio is... unfinished. And my math is largely unpractised.

I hate the way I let myself be controlled by these fears. My life should revolve around more than this.

Meeting Nikki at Bishan MRT at 1.30pm.

Terror is gripping me. I feel like if I don't stay calm, I'll explode into little bits. I hope I don't hyperventilate during the paper. That would be highly amusing if it happened. It'd be all over the news. "Exam paper causes student to hyperventilate". And there'd be all the slamming of the MOE and school stress etc.

Ah sigh.

Shall go now.

Yesterday, like I said, I was going to go out with my sis to meet granny and eat lunch, and then to the library. So I did. Ate lunch at Ya Sallam (which was previously known as Riduan, Malik whatever...) and met two different people we knew. (As soon as a restaurant advertises on Suria, the Malay community flocks to it, I swear.) After that, went to the pawnbroker's and then to the library. Said I would study but... Bah. You know me. INFP - I Never Follow Plans. I didn't even bring along any notes. My sis said she didn't want to stay long and I figured I'd be distracted by the books anyway. Flipped through a couple of books, about Kings and Queens of Scotland, a Britain Travel Guide (I'm still hoping for that after As trip...), a Know-Your-Personality-From-What-You-Eat book and a book about aristocrats from a family of Lennoxes. Apparently, there's an english television series on the Lennox family (the descendants of Matthew and Margaret Lennox). It's quite complicated and intriguing. Wish Singapore would go out of the way a little and buy shows that aren't that heavily publicised and not American.

Anyway, ended up borrowing another book (when I already have numerous unread novels at home) by Philippa Gregory called The Little House. It's not historical fiction. I always assumed earlier that she was strictly an author of that genre. But that book was a psychological thriller. Something that echoes the plot of the movie 'Hush' that starred Jessica Lange and Gwyneth Paltrow. I finished it already. Was completely absorbed. It was about this ongoing unspoken tension between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law. It's scary when you think about how fine the line between sanity and madness truly is. What makes a person crazy, you think? Hm.

I realise I like Philippa Gregory. I don't know if this sounds weird, but I think I can tell if an author is someone I would have easily befriended if I knew her personally. You can tell a lot from how a person writes, I think, and you can sort of imagine the person's character. I think I could have warmed up to Dunnett or Gregory easily... but not so to Rowling. I must sound mad. Maybe it's my overactive imagination as usual.

My youngest cousin, Nurul, and sis in the Osim massage chair that everyone wanted to try. Undeniably super-shiok. :P

My nephew (cousin's son), Adel. He's such a cheeky, hyper kid. He looks so Chinese... cause his mum looks chinese. Hm. Oh, and that's nikki's PG Wodehouse book that I borrowed from her. Haha!

Decisions. We make them everyday. Most trivial things that we decide on are inconsequential (when we go to sleep, to the loo, which book to read, which foot to put forward first etc), but there are those things which truly matter. Sometimes, we're aware of decision-making moments and we put a lot of effort into making the absolutely, perfect right choice (or so we think) and sometimes we're clueless about our life-changing actions until we find the time to pause and reflect. The latter allows for some quiet amusing reflection - like how you make friends for instance. A single 'Hi' could make a life-long friend or a bad first encounter could create lasting enmity.

What's really horrible is the process of making a decision that you know would affect the rest of your life. I've lived for less than two decades and there hasn't been much opportunity for me to make huge choices. I just went with the whole Singapore flow/rat race/train/whateveryouwanttocallit. Study hard from the moment I was thrust into preschool and work for those As, without question. I remember praying so hard in Primary 3, 4, 5 and 6 to be the top in class. My life revolved around attaining the first position (at a certain point, I began to think that each good/bad incident was an omen/indication to my academic results), because I knew it made my parents happy.

Then, when I grew older, I realised that I wanted more than making my parents happy. Yeah, okay, I continued studying... but I think I started to lose focus. Why am I studying like mad? Why should I?

Okay let's see, perhaps most people would think like this? Study hard, get good grades, get good jobs, make good money, get married, have kids, and make the kids study hard so that they'll grow up to make good money as well, and the kids will go on to have their own kids. What is this. A neverending human cycle of stress just to make good money.

Okay fine, I have to be realistic. What was I thinking? Of course people work to make money. Du-uh! Then they can live.

But money does not motivate me.

I wish it were possible to travel all over the world. Surely I can survive. Stop by places, earn a little bit here and there, meet people and eat their food (haha) and then go on travelling. You hear of explorers doing that in the past. They were so lucky. Now, you try to do that... Too many obstacles (immigration and police) and people would think you're a psycho. And besides, there seems to be no place left to explore.

Oh crap it all, why am I rambling.

What am I going to do after my As? That's my big question. It's not that far away. Not far away at all.

What to do.

The things I want don't seem too good for me, so people say.

"... of all the awful things that make you sick to your stomach, nothing feels half as bad as knowing you had a chance to do what you truly love, and you didn't take it." ~ The Meaning of Life, Bradley Trevor Grieve

The what ifs. They haunt the rest of your life, don't they?

2nd day of March hols.

Went for cip stuff yesterday. Was gamemaster for this amazing race thing held by Northwest CDC. It was so bluidy hot. But was quite fun overall.

Realised I ate at macs three times in the past four days. Without intention, mind you! The first time it was with nikki at junction 8. That was fine. I thought that was going to be it for at least a week. Then the next day, after watching ACJC's Madama Butterfly (which was executed superbly in my opinion), me, sis, hussein and said (cousins) waited for my bro to be done with helping and we all ate at tampines mall's macs at around midnight. It was the only eating joint open at that time. Then yesterday during the amazing race, they provided food for us during lunch. It was McDonalds'. -_- Macs is just everywhere in our lives. It's unavoidable.

Later, will be going out for lunch with granny and sis. And then we'll go bedok library. Will study there. I WILL.

Where to get my psych degree (if that's what I really want. I think it is.):

1. NUS (BA) I think I prefer BSc!!! Cause of science background and all... And the fact that I find bio intriguing.

2. University of Cardiff (Psych Dept awarded excellence in teaching. Offers both BA/Bsc, Msc in Educational/Occupational Psych, PhD/MPhil!!!) - LEADING PSYCH DEPT IN UK

3. University of London (Royal Holloway) - Excellence in Teaching, Offers BSc and postgraduate course in Clinical Psych (D. Clin. Psy.)

4. University of Hull - Has seemingly the best offers, even scholarships for international students. And is actively promoting BSc in psychology. Awarded 23/24 pts in teaching quality. Options 2, 3 and 6 scored a full 24. (D. Clin. Psy., Msc Counselling, Msc Occupational Pysch)

5. University of Edinburgh (BA/BSc) Perk: It's Scotland!!! Bah. Reputation?

6. Univerity of Wales, Bangor - 2nd to Cardiff; BA/BSc Psych/Applied Psych, Postgraduate courses: MSc Clinical Neuropsychology, MSc Applied Behaviour Analysis, MSc Psych Research, D. Clin. Psy., PhD!!!

Am going nuts thinking about what to do for university. Medicine, life science, biology or, best of all, psychology. I really want psychology! And I want to study overseas...

Argh.

So many obstacles in life!

It's so important that you just do your own thing - whatever makes you truly happy - and do it as best you can. It doesn't matter whether your 'thing' is making snowballs, holding your breath underwater, hog calling, or wielding a hair dryer with dramatic effect. The only thing that matters is that you feel great about what you're doing. Keep in mind that whatever you do, mistakes are part of life. So don't waste time kicking yourself about the past. Don't stall or stress over whether you're doing the right thing. You'll always know the answer in your heart.

Rather than be discouraged, always remember that rejection and resistance are almost guaranteed when you are doing something very important and very special.

~ The Meaning of Life, Bradley Trevor Grieve

Went for the RG drama Fata Morgana yesterday. Was really... too lengthy. A lot of people were getting restless. I have to say that Midsummer Night's Dream Melayu Punyer was much nicer, and more engaging. But there were good actresses. Humairah was the hantu... and she could act. She was gooood. And there were a lot of screaming. During and after the play. Sort of... missed the screaming. Haha.

Am really quite scared for dwi darma.

Why is it that some people in this world, or should I say most, just strive to be the best, the top, number one? Does it give so much joy to know that one is most successful among one's peers, or the most intelligent in the family, or the big powerful boss? Why, why, why?

Success is not all bad when it is not achieved for its own sake. But when success is the ultimate destination, I feel that the work becomes dishonourable. I'm not sure I'm putting it rightly... But it's like being untrue. For instance, you could desire to become a doctor because you would earn that respectable title of 'Doctor' or you could become one because you honestly think it is your life's call to cure sick people. Either way you still help people. Only the latter person has lived the life he feels he was meant to live. And all the recognition is just an added unnecessary bonus. While the former just gains materially. How does that person get the satisfaction of having lived a life worth living? How do you die happily like that? I don't know... Maybe for some, gaining wealth and fame is their life's purpose.

I think each one of us has the potential to succeed in our paths, provided we choose the path that is best suited to us. I'd rather do something I think I like or am best suited for and not be very successful rather than I do something I don't really like but am extremely successful. (I take success here as meaning achieving wealth and fame.)

Oh, here, I checked it up. Success is the achievement of something desired, planned or attempted.

I fear that I will end up living a life I don't want to live, doing the things I don't want to do because of obligation and fear of disappointment. Then I'd look back on my childhood and feel sorry that my dreams are just dreams and nothing else.

Must take my chances. Carpe diem!

Everything going down the drain again. Work, studies, responsibilities, life. I am so unproactive.

Feel extremely annoyed with world. Again. And especially annoyed with self.

Egyptian boys. They were all trying to sell trinkets and nuts and such. Quite poor things. My dad entertained them. Typical. My dad talks to just about anyone.

I've decided it's time for some photo pasting again. :P So here's more of those random egypt shots. Normally, those architectural or supposedly artistic shots are taken with my pathetic 1 megapixel digicam-cum-vcam. Here's some hieroglyphics and pillars. Ladida. Luxor I think.

More of my own personality type and INFP links... Just so I know where to go next time...

http://linus.highpoint.edu/~bblatchl/infp.html

Oh, I like this! INFPs may appear to have been imported from another galaxy! How amusing.

Darn it... I should be doing math... And tonight have liqa' at Ami Ali's house (family gathering at uncle's place). *clutch cheeks* No time to study! And here I am still online! But leisure is important. It is! Why don't people agree?

It's annoying how you can never truly enjoy yourself cause you keep thinking of the things you need to do. Ugh.

http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/infp.htm
http://www.personalitytype.com/srp/index.html

I must read Don Quixote!

Oh my goodness. So many people who sound like me.

http://www.theintrovertzcoach.com/famous_infps.html

Sometimes it's such hard work and I wish I could switch off, not think and stop feeling everything so deeply and personally - I have suffered from depression twice in my life - and I often feel low (I'm on the St John's Wort right now!) Exercise really helps and so does music, singing and getting away from home and work. I have also found that hypnotherapy helps when I have to do something very extravert - like presenting at conferences. What I love about being an INFP is that I'm never bored I find interest in just about everything and I enjoy being able to se the good in people when others can't.
~ An INFP

I completely understand! I feel so liberated! There are people out there like me. And I'm not that psychotic! :P

No wonder I've always felt so odd and out of place. Only 1% of the general population are INFPs and I don't know if I've met one before.

I remember Michelle Tan was an INFP but I immediately wondered (when I found out) if the test had made a mistake cause she's seems like such an extrovert. Hm.

Am still reading all these comments by INFPs... Quite a number of them are depressed people. And I completely empathise. I know how it feels like to be so completely drained being around these other people and going home and going to bed, just wishing that the next morning, I'll wake up as someone else. And not have to suffer being me.

And I start to miss being around people with whom I can really, really be myself. Like the birds. Or mumu.

But this year, in S03D, I've found some friends in class with whom I can be like that! Like nikki and jean. Which makes most of school less painful. :)

Hey, Princess Diana was an INFP! Heh.

INTPs seem like serious geniuses. It's very amusing. They just seem like a group of people constantly asking why and continuously wondering how the world works. Like Einstein and Darwin. Hmm.

Goodness. No ISTPs or ISTJs have posted anything. It just shows which kind of personality types are inclined towards writing and which cannot afford to waste time doing such things. Haha.

Gotta go now... Ami Ali's house! Family gathering. Oh, finally, real food. Been feeding off chocolates and pancakes since last night.

I haven't touched my laptop in a week. Was starting to experience withdrawal symptoms - extreme depression, irritability etc. Haha. Was so busy with dramafeste everyday for the past week. And well, yes, it's over. MedFac 1 didn't win anything, but I still think our show was good! And Smriti is a very professional director! She's so... real and director-ish (If I make sense at all) and focused and determined. We wanted her to win. And Reuben was good too I thought! So melodramatic - which was the purpose.

Oh well, Engine won. I wonder if its the first time ever or the first time in a long time.

Anyway, woke up at 11.30 am today. The thought of having to go tutor Farhan... made me feel tired still. But then saw handphone: No tuition today! Phew. Finally. I can rest.

Okay, now I have to go eat some pancakes before my sister devours them all.

"Now, if we look at Myers's type descriptions, people are either more observant than introspective, or more introspective than observant. Observers (SPs and SJs) seem more at home when looking after the particulars of everyday living, attending to concrete things -- food, clothing, shelter, transportation -- and to practical matters such as recreation and safety, and are likely to leave the more abstract issues to others. In turn, Introspectors (NTs and NFs) (ME!) tend to be more content when these concrete concerns are handled by someone else and they are left free to consider the more abstract world of ideas.

To put this difference another way, Observers might be called "earthlings" or "terrestrials," concrete, down to earth beings who keep their feet on the ground. These persons see what is in front of them and are usually accurate in catching details. It is said that "they don't miss much." Observers want facts, trust facts, and remember facts, and they want to deal with the facts of a situation as they are, either in the here and now, or as recorded in the past. They focus on what is happening, or what has happened, rather than anticipating what might be, what would happen if, or what might occur in the future.

In contrast, Introspectors might be called "extraterrestrials," abstract beings who live with their head in the clouds, strangers in a strange land who wonder about the curious antics of the earthlings. Absorbed as they often are in their internal world, Introspectors tend to miss a great deal of what's right around them -- current reality is merely a problem to be solved, or a stage of development toward some future ideal. Not only can they miss details, they can also lose track of where they are, and for instance drive right past their highway turn-off. "It's only reality" they sometimes say, to register their relative disinterest in the merely concrete. But more than disinterest, Introspectors can be discontent with reality, even bothered by it, and speculate about possible ways of improving it."

~ http://www.keirsey.com/pumII/ns.html

Was reading some stuff and found this. Plato said:

"When a person meets the half that is his very own, whatever his orientation, then something wonderful happens: the two are struck from their senses by love, by a sense of belonging to one another...and they don't want to be separated from one another, not even for a minute. These are people who finish out their lives together and still cannot say what it is they want from one another. No one would think it is the intimacy of sex ... It's obvious that the soul of every lover longs for something else; his soul cannot say what it is, but like an oracle it has a sense of what it wants, and like an oracle it hides behind a riddle."

I tried to refrain from saying that that whole chunk of words from Plato's mouth is utter crap... But I can't help it. It does seem like crap. Unreal. Just fantasy. Literature.

I think this really doesn't sound like me. Normally, such deep analysis of love and life make me go 'Awww'. Or I'd ponder on it for some time and simply start feeling inexplicably good; knowing that perhaps such wonderful things do exist. I am a dreamer, I know that. I live in the clouds, most of the time. But today, I seem to have both feet on the ground, and feel annoyed that most days aren't like today, and I am usually my normal deluded self. Today, I must have taken off those bloody rose-tinted glasses I wear.

I've read about really great romances, and beautiful friendships. But words, they just glorify things to become more than they actually are, don't you think? Just take Harry and Draco for instance, in Draco Trilogy. A great story centering on a most extraordinary relationship between the two boys. Something deeper than friendship. Closer than being blood brothers. A bond so strong one cannot conceive living life without the other. And let's not make me start listing out all the love stories we know from movies and books and stories in general. Their tales are awe-inspiring and amazing and touching. But really, how often are they realistic? How often do happy endings occur?

Stories are really reflections of what humans wish reality could be. Life is really, mostly, pretty much the opposite. So literature and books are confusing me to bits. Of course, there are those realistic stories and sad endings... tragic ones. But even those are being glamourised. Death is made to be poetic or honourable. When really, I should think it's simply painful and bloody.

When you think about it, real life is... not as nice. I'm not saying there aren't any people who truly love each other, or there never existed a strong bond between any two brothers or sisters. I'm just saying that words make it seem to be much more.

Words make the world prettier.

And so Plato's whole paragraph, in my opinion, would have been more true if it merely described the happiness of two people who have found much common ground spending time with each other. And not that whole chunk about never wanting to be separated etc.

Ah sigh. Just you see. Tomorrow, I'll be my old self and think all I wrote here is crap (in fact, I already think that). And that really, miracles do happen and relationships can be truly deep and strong and true love exists.

You scored as Remus Lupin. You are a wise and caring wizard and a good, loyal friend to boot. However sometimes in an effort to be liked by others you can let things slide by, which ordinarily you would protest about. Remus Lupin 85% Ron Weasley 80% Albus Dumbledore 80% Hermione Granger 75% Harry Potter 65% Sirius Black 65% Ginny Weasley 65% Severus Snape 55% Draco Malfoy 45% Lord Voldemort 25% Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...? created with QuizFarm.com

Wow. This is the second time I'm labelled as Lupin. Maybe I really am like Lupin... Haha..

Gave dad (I call him abah by the way) his birthday present just a moment ago! That slim, silverish, nice-looking pen from Kino, that I bought yesterday with Eunice and Yu Jie. Wrote him a letter on an HP letter pad. My sis made up a pantun (malay poem) and I modified the second line... (We've been going crazy over pantuns since last last week's fiesta komedi... Cak, cak, Kacak! or Daun rumbia, daun selasih, Terima kasih!)

Our poem to Abah:

Budak kecik lari-lari,
Lari-lari terhantuk laci.
Nyari abah kena happy-happy,
Pasal today abahnye hari jadi.

:P

And I added some corny phrase about the pen... Enjoy your cool, slim, futuristic ink-dispensing marvel! To which my sister responded: -_- And my dad went like, "Hah, this is from Marvel?"

Haiyoh.

Why is it that I keep doing stupid things? Can't seem to be able to stop. It's absolutely aggravating.

* * *

Read cassie's LJ. Her dtdm is a compendium of all her literary crushes. Other people have literary crushes too! Oh thank god. I thought I was psychotic. Or delusional.

Went out so much during this break from school. And now am so tired and no work is done. Ah sigh.

Happy chinese new year. And selamat menyambut awal muharram 1426 H. It's the muslim new year as well. May I fulfill my resolutions for this year. (:

Here I go, pasting...

INFPs (have) a natural inclination toward absent- mindedness and other-worldliness...

Explains my blurness.

INFPs have the ability to see good in almost anyone or anything. Even for the most unlovable the INFP is wont to have pity.

Hm. I must not be so gullible.

INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives?

The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.

Oh dear.

Went to TIMES to buy Farhan belated birthday present: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But it turned out to be 18 stg dollars. Settled for a slightly cheaper George's Marvellous Medicine instead. Love Roald Dahl! If that ingenious man can't convert kids to become readers... no one can. He converted my brother, I think. So maybe he can encourage Farhan to read as well.

Maybe Rowling can... but HP books are a bit harder to read. So not for very young kids.

So tired. Had chem SPA. Was sort of a nightmare for me.

Just so tired. Cant wait for CNY week.

On the waterfall itself! I'm not in the picture because I was still climbing up the slopes. The stones were moss-covered and extremely slippery. It's a wonder we didn't slip and fall.

Waterfall in the middle of the desert, at Fayyoum, Egypt. Water was freezing cold to the bones.

Pyramids in the background.

You know what those are? Barrels of water for the thirsty passerby. See if you dare to drink though... Pieces of leaves drifting on the surface.. and dark murky depths. :S

This is at Bassatin, somewhere in the outskirts of Cairo. Look at how they just line up the wheat bread on the mat for us! We don't use plates. The bread is really nice by the way...

My maid finishes her contract today and leaves for Indonesia in the afternoon. There'll be no more maids after her. That's what my mum says. I've had a maid in the house for as long as I can remember. So now... no more. Don't know what to think. Hm.

Weirdly, I have no inspiration to write... I thought I did. I mean, I wanted to write about some things... But when I finally have the keyboard beneath my hovering fingers, all those thoughts seem to leave me.

I do recall one thing that I saw on the train this past week. Something that quite grossed me out: Extreme PDA-ing on the train between two secondary school students. And it wasn't even the more common huggy-huggy or pecking-on-the-cheeks-and-lips kind... which is already quite bad in my opinion. It was the full-blown snog. I was seriously grossed out. I was only short of gasping out loud in horror. My hair stood on end. If only I was not shuddering so badly and not so grossed out by the sight, I might have told them to be more considerate of other people's psychological well-being. And mind you, it was in a train at 6pm. Where the train is crowded. I averted my eyes all the way to Tampines.

I say, what is wrong with kids nowadays? Don't they know shame? Or are they so blinded by "love"? Oh, I'm so in love, the rest of the world is a blur! For the love of god, pick a better spot for doing such stuff! Closets are good. RJ's cleaner closets are still pretty clean. I heard rumours that a lip-locked couple was found in RJ's huge LT1. LT1?!?!?! How mad can they get. At least a seldom-used stairwell would make more sense.

It's all really pretty scary.

Read DV 15 Part Two. Amazing. Such beautiful writing should be allowed to be published for all the world to see. Despite HP being Rowling's and all that. She writes almost as well as Dunnett - in the sense that the paragraphs can knock the breath out of you, and single lines can make make you choke. Oh. My. God. Just so so so beautiful. Oh, I also made history - DT being first fanfiction that really, really made me cry to bits. When Cassie publishes her first book (of which I know not the title), she will get her due. She'll be famous. Then maybe DT will get the full attention it deserves.

But then. Good works don't always get the attention they deserve. Just look at Lymond. -_-

Oh, haven't posted about Aidiladha. Hm. Kambings (sheep) were late. Ghufran overflowing AS USUAL. And granny's house packed to the brim. 50 or so people in a two room flat (counted at least 45, but then got confused and stopped counting). My cousin was standing outside the gate. Hahaha. And we were just squashed together! I think my whole dad's side was together, except for Ami Mamad's family. Ah. So nice.

****

SPOILER

He winced then, and his hand tightened painfully on hers. "I am not sure I agree with the poets about all that "Death, where is thy sting?" business," he said hoarsely. "It seems to me that it stings more than enough." - DV 15

Fortress of Sultan Qaitbay in Alexandria. It's located along the coast, facing the Mediterranean Sea.

Sultan Qaitbay Fortress again. (At least I think so. If not, it's the Citadel in Cairo.)

Architectural shot. That's the dome of a mosque... only now, I'm not sure which mosque. Went to so many...

"We delude ourselves with the thought that we know much more about matter than about a 'metaphysical' mind or spirit, and so we overestimate material causation and believe that it alone affords us a true explanation of life. But matter is just as inscrutable as mind."
- Carl Jung, Excerpt from Coincidence, by David Ambrose

It is a fact that the deeper you look into matter, the less 'material' it becomes. Cells are made of atoms and atoms are mostly space, then down below that we're into quantum indeterminacy, 'quarks' and 'gluons'... Matter has no more physical substance than a thought.
- Excerpt from Coincidence, by David Ambrose

The book I'm reading has all these interesting injections... that you can ponder on for hours. I like such books. But the main plot is becoming quite disappointing... hm.

Have actually tons of work and SPA is coming. But feel very, very tired. If I sleep, I know I won't wake till morning. But if I do work now, I won't be able to absorb anything anyway because all I can think of is sleep. So what to do?

5 minutes nap, maybe.

Congrats to Singapore Lions! Ah. Sweeeeet victory. Wish I was in Kallang right now. So fun!!! Abang Dollah's there, with 13 of his friends. Monish also there, I think. Ms Lo too! Ahhh. Wish I could be there to do the Kallang wave. And cheer. Family was screaming the house down moments ago. Oh, also have to add shamelessly, that Baihakki makes very nice eye candy.

Trying to memorise some lines for tomorrow's drama practice now... -_-

Throat very very sore. I dont think it was from the screaming. It hurt before that. Can hardly swallow. Bleargh.

Anyway, met my buddy from Darul Ma'wa yesterday! 10 year old Farhan. He's supposedly the smartest of his age in the home. He's sort of talkative. He loves soccer - typical of any boy, especially if he's malay. Goes to Macpherson Primary, and is in 4/1. His birthday is on Jan 1st, so I missed it and have no idea whether I should get him anything when I meet him again next week. All in all, I think this might work out to be the most fulfilling sort of CIP I'll ever do.

Throat really really hurts. How.

Jamiyah Mentoring tomorrow! (: Quite looking forward to it despite my saturday being taken up once again. It's nice to know you're helping someone, you know. I hope I get a nice little girl. A younger sister. Not that I don't already have one... Or I won't mind a little brother. Oh, wait I already have that too. Haha.

Not so little anymore though. :P

Feeling quite happy, which is really something for me. Hope this optimistic feeling lingers a bit longer.

I need a large dosage of Lymond. A discussion... Another read of the whole series. SOMETHING. I need to get away from school stuff. Am about to self-combust with frustration. I can't even afford time to finish my library books. I hardly get to do what I want anymore... Sometimes feel like screaming during lectures. They make me so mad. Everything makes me mad. So many bloody little things bothering me. And every subject tutor demanding so much from each of us, thinking we don't have enough on our hands as it is. Really. Does RJ think we don't need rest? What about recreation? What about just being NORMAL???

For god's sake. I wish I were born somewhere ulu, and I hadn't known about being in school, and getting As and bloody qualifications for bloody prestigious professions. Then I'd have lived a peaceful life, learning what I do want to learn, at my own pace, gaining knowledge for the sake of knowledge and not for the sake of getting nice grades.

I think I know what I want for myself in heaven, god willing. A peaceful, quiet place. A pretty place. Some books. And just, really... a nice rest. I sound like DT!DM.

My deepest desires: To find peace. To see the world. To die knowing that I did something to make the world a slightly better place.

I don't know if it's so bad to lack ambition. I think I do. Why would you want so much anyway?

Oh. Just. Ugh. UGH.

Monday's Child is fair of face,
Tuesday's Child is full of grace,
Wednesday's Child is full of woe,
Thursday's Child has far to go,
Friday's Child is loving and giving,
Saturday's Child works hard for a living,
But the Child that is born on the Sabbath Day,
Is witty and wise and good and gay!

Am full of woe. Hm.

People are weird.

~

Sigh. Stupid little things like this can leave me thinking for hours on end in depressed mode. Wish some people aren't so quick to judge. The world would be a better place if people don't go around hating each other for some trivial reason or other.

Have a deep longing to be back in Egypt. I miss it oh-so-much.

Am in malay drama again this year. And have suddenly horrifyingly realized that am the only J2 girl in it. -_-

The worst thing about reading on the train is not being able to express what you feel. That's how it is for me at least. Was reading something extremely sad in The Girl With The Pearl Earring, but was trying not to look horrified or pained, or god forbid, start tearing. I can't imagine reading PiF in train. Don't know what I would do if I had reached that extremely heart rending part and been on the train.

So many things going on in school.

Internet connection extremely bad.

I really can't stand school. Two days into the first term and I already feel extremely drained and tired.

Wish I was far away. Somewhere nice... Ah, sigh. Back in Cairo perhaps, where they (Dandrawis) were all so warm and welcoming, even though I was sick. And things were just simpler... and their lives so meaningful. Sometimes it's so easy to get lost when you're so busy.

I know I'm rambling. Can't help it.

11 months or so more... and then school and exams will be over. And plans can roll into action.

It all seems so, so far away.