I would love to be at a table with these two people,
just listening to them talk. In fact, that's exactly what Russell Brand
let's us do -- except I think the full podcast isn't available in Singapore! guh.
don't let fear consume you.
I thought that I'd conquered a lot of fears and demons in recent times;
but then the other day, I caught myself deliberately choosing not to be vulnerable;
in the situation, it felt perfectly okay for me not to be fully honest or not to reveal my deepest feelings. but in doing so, I projected an image of unflappability (successfully or not) and of an iron-nail-strength-independent woman. in that very moment, wonderfully, thankfully, I became aware of my doing this.
And it made me pause. It is not that my being strong was false. I had very strong opinions and a clear sense of direction about what needed to be done and where my boundaries were (said vehemently added to the overall effect). The situation will not faze me. However, my lack in expressing my feelings of fear and sadness and disappointment and dashed hopes with regard to the situation contributed to that false dichotomy that strength must be devoid of fear and sentiment. As though the heartless Iron Lady stereotype needed reinforcing.
Don't, S. Soft front, strong back, remember? True courage, as we've heard repeated, is not the absence of fear but the acknowledgement that something else is more important than fear. Why then do I feel the need to be emotionless to do scary things.
Just go in, guns blazing, screaming, ohmygod this is so scary!!!
(I'm picturing Dean Winchester as I typed this, haha.)
I'm terrified but I will --
I'm afraid you'll hate me but I will --
What if I fail, but I will --
What if I die, but I will --
do what needs to be done.
Saturday, June 15, 2019
This came serendipitously to me tonight --
dear S,
trust God.
The clouds of goodness contain rain,
and when the time comes it will pour.
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
I feel like I should be reporting my presence or something so --
Selamat Hari Raya!
It's been a while since raya celebrations actually started -- but I feel very much detached from all social media platforms these days so I don't post anywhere about it; but then I come here intermittently (the only faithful online thing I've done for more than half my life now) and then realise that maybe I should post the requisite announcements or greetings. So yes, Eid Mubarak to my faithful, familiar, and awesome blogosphere!
Opening with these comments has nicely given me a segue into the bigger topic of what the online world means to me lately -- which is that it has reverted back to its early steady state years and years ago: that is -- the internet is basically a place I consume. But I don't contribute half as much (unless you count this blog). In the early (somewhat ancient) days of my discovery of the internet when I was a tween, it served as a place to satiate my curiosity and my fangirling -- and that is what it has utterly returned to. I come to the internet to learn stuff, find out stuff, and fangirl. And mostly nothing else. And I love it this way. It is much healthier, and I am much happier.
Social media is just not my thing, I think. I don't like what it forces me to do socially, and I'm much the happier not doing it at all. I pondered just briefly the other day -- that the closest people I have in my life barely make a blip on my social online radar. They are my closest, precious friends, and you would not know that by their lack of presence... on my Facebook timeline, say. We don't post pictures, we don't share our conversations or our 'moments' -- but they mean the world to me. I like it this way. Maybe I'm possessive, maybe I don't think my friends and I should be ogled at or worth ogling, I don't know. But I like the idea that my precious stuff is kept precious and away from public consumption.
In connection to this, I have also, perhaps regrettably, stopped posting photo albums on Facebook, which was made much easier by their album posting functions. I don't like the idea anymore. I'm drawn back to the idea of doing hard copy albums now -- although I am painfully and slowly struggling with the printing of my Japan photos (much less my Paris-Istanbul photos)! I feel like... I want to keep beautifying my physical space, and work on having more tangible beautiful things in my life, and really live more real... like, keep the real stuff with the real stuff, and cyber space with cyber amorphous information floating as electromagnetic waves. You know? Real relationships as real human relationships, and the internet as an information repository.
You could say that I should chill -- I'll have to throw my hands up at that, haha! I can't help being mostly an intense person. I think it comes as a package with the whole romantic-bookworm-therapist-blogger personality, which is mostly a wonderful thing I'm learning, so I won't trash on myself.
Anyway!
---
Because it was Ramadan and I had to fast a little on the fangirling too,
I couldn't post these, but I really really want to now.
This is my favourite BTS US TV appearance to date!
They did a Beatles-themed thing, quite tastefully,
and this is just all sorts of adorable.
(On the couch, they were asked which Beatles song they liked:
I totally squealed in laughter
when they belted out the tune of Hey Jude together.
I love these hilarious boys.)
The Persona album took quite some time to grow on me actually,
but I really love it now. I have a listen of the entire album for a pick-me-up, especially after work.
Listening to Boy with Luv makes me feel really really happy; it's such an amazing bop!
I do love the deep, epic pieces that BTS had done previously,
and I am a huge sucker for the tragic;
but the sweet, happy meaning of Boy with Luv really sunk its claws in me slowly.
Also, this is my newest favourite on the album now,
so awesomely performed here:
---
On a separate note before I end this crazy long post --
I've been reading mind-blowing books
(I am really not exaggerating okay, although I am typically wont to):
The Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton and then The Orchid and The Dandelion by Thomas Boyce.
Both of these give such revelations about the nature of humans in general
and question what we have or don't have power over in our lives. It's fascinating, and truly exciting.
Your life is a printout of your subconscious behaviour.
Did you hear him say "picture in your mind" twice in the video? Omgggggg.
Talk about synchronicity (see my official blog name). You deserve to be on my blog, video clip.
Another synchronous event was when I had started reading The Orchid and The Dandelion,
and was starting to be mindblown by the whole orchid profile,
(and also the whole permeability idea overlapping between the two books!)
and then ended up with a pot of (fake) orchids to be placed in my room this hari raya.
Initially I had set my eyes on the peonies, but then my mother whined that she wanted them;
I sulked for a moment, until I realised that she wanted to shove the orchids on me.
I paused for a beat -- Orchids? They are orchids! Okay, I'll have them.
Orchid humans of the world, I have a soft spot for you.
I may be a little orchid myself, but I certainly love some orchids in my life.
