What else can't I stand.

Secondary school couples. They truly irk me. There was one sitting in front of me in the bus today, and I rolled my eyes so much, they almost fell out of their sockets. ('Eh, let me see your handphone! Why cannot? You have things to hide from me?' And the boy gives her an of-course-I-have-some-things-to-be-kept-secret-for-I-am-Casanova look. I was almost banging my head against the window.)

I just can't help but think how much of a farce most teenage relationships (at that stage) are. It's like they're doing it for show; to feel grown up or cool. I suppose there are one or two in a hundred whose mutual feelings are genuine. But they seem rare. Of course, I speak without experience and this is merely what I perceive.

Besides, the whole idea of likelike lovelove thing just muddles me up. I don't see how one goes about having dates. How does one sit down in front of a person at a candlelit dinner and think, 'This person seems like a good candidate for a future bf/lover/husband/takeyourpick' and at the same time, carry out a conversation? I don't think I could ever do that. It's the same with making friends. I can never consciously befriend someone. If I start thinking about befriending someone, it immediately becomes impossible. It has to happen without my being aware; the closest friends I have came out of the blue, unplanned and when I realised I wanted them to be my friends, they already were. Plans are not my thing. (INFP - I Never Follow Plans).

The other thing I don't get is how people can say they don't love someone anymore; you know, break-ups, divorces. If you say that, you didn't love in the first place. Perhaps you lusted, fancied or simply admired. But you couldn't possibly have loved, because love is forever. Take your brother or sister: can you conceive the idea of not loving them anymore? No. Let alone your mum or dad. Maybe love can be tarnished with a bad memory or an act of betrayal, but I don't think it can be killed. If it can, it isn't love. Not in my dictionary. So this is probably also why I can't stand seeing all these couples - one minute they're all lovey-dovey and the next, they're with a different partner. Excuse me, you're giving love a bad name.

I can't take it. I've been so angry these days, and there's no outlet. There never has been. I suppose writing helps a bit, but not much. I always think that down the road, I'll become a psychonut - like Jim Carrey's character in Me, Myself and Irene. All my bottled anger will manifest in a split personality, and I'll end up murdering people. Sometimes I can't stand myself; blow up already!

I was walking around Orchard today, and I got so irrationally angry, I scared myself. I can't stand looking at all the Americanised, consumer-deceiving shops and ultra-slim models who probably just eat salad everyday and have never tasted chocolate since they were ten. I can't stand the atrocious prices of coffee and cakes and clothes. I can't stand brand-conscious maniacs. I can't stand people who overdress - do they think Wisma Atria is a catwalk?

I can't stand walking around Orchard itself. It's like the history of this whole place - my home -has been erased completely. To think this is supposed to be tanah melayu. Now, everywhere, it's just swarming with foreign people - those ang mohs and too many Chinese. And hardly a single mark left to show the true heritage of this land. They will keep rebuilding Geylang. The istana has been seized. The old rulers of this land gone. Who's to blame but the people themselves. Nobody fights; absolutely nobody. Everything's just, 'Okay, okay. canlah' right from the time of Raffles. That's the problem, nobody cares; not really. Even me - as soon as I pen all these frustrations down, I'll go back to conforming, to pretending it's all okay.

That it's okay that foreigners keep thinking Singapore is some island off the mainland of China. That it's okay, when I click Singapore as my country in Livejournal, all my font turns to Chinese. That it's okay when you say you're Singaporean in foreign land, they immediately converse in Chinese. That it's okay youngsters are not told the national language of this country is in fact, Malay, and they all wonder why our national anthem is so. Yes, I will go on pretending, that it's okay. That it doesn't make me mad, insulted, violated, made second class. We just keep on pretending and smile. And sooner or later, the true heritage will be gone. And future generations will smile in ignorance.

Let me just say first, for fear that the reader jumps to conclusions and I am labeled a racist, a prejudiced scumbug and all other associated phrases: I am not a Chinese hater. In fact, one could call me a turncoat of sorts, for I have few friends of my kind and numerous best friends who are Chinese. People are people, and I, of all people, detest any sort of discrimination.

Truly, I simply feel wronged. That there should be so little left that once belonged to this country, and that no one is salvaging anything, not really. And that history is slowly but certainly being overwritten. I am not asking for more than just a little respect for the origins of this place; that any misunderstandings of those sort are corrected and the truth not piled over with ignorance and neglect. So that those of us with ancestral roots from this very soil do not feel like a stranger in our own home.

One of the many things that just make me mad.

I am so worried about the VCF scholarship thing. What if they can't give a reply soon enough? And UCAS declines my offers for me? :( Feel stressed. I'll ask Edinburgh if they can let me give an answer later.

My sister saved one of her poems for literature in my computer once, and I came across it recently. And I realised it suits the current situation very aptly, since we're all going so many different places and my best friends will be across oceans. It's scary how things can change so fast within so short a time.

As I sit alone

With the warm sun on my back

I realise something’s missing

A part of me which lacks.

Could it be the trees,

Reaching for the sky?

Or could it be the children,

Walking home, who pass me by?

Perhaps, I miss the birds,

Chirping sweetly above my head?

All I feel is restlessness

A part of me is dead.

I know now what it is.

Now I realise what is wrong.

It’s the feeling, they call solitude,

All my friends are gone.

Of course I know,

That as we grow,

We have to make our way,

We all must plot a different course,

To go by everyday.

It's a simple poem but, yar loh.

I was just getting used to yesterday, and along came today.

Guilt boiling within me.

I am not in school today. It's just that I am so exhausted and I need rest and there's so many bloody applications and essays to do and everything's so rushed! And I have so many things going on simultaneously that if I did teach today, I can almost guarantee my essays will be extremely bad cause I'll be too tired to think coherently. I have Arabic today too. Gah. My P3 kids were going to do a skit... They'll be disappointed. (I'm so evil.) And when I called the school in the morning, the clerk sounded doubtful and asked if I had gone to the doctor, cause I said I wasn't feeling well. I said I hadn't. And then she was like 'Okay, okaylah...' At that point, the guilt started seeping in. It's not fair, am not feeling up for teaching and I can't take the day off, is it! Even the normal teachers get to have leave and they get paid. I get NO MONEY when I don't work, okay.

Anyway, going on to better things: DV 17 Part 1 is up!!! The beginning of the end. I'm sort of scared to continue reading. There won't be anymore DT after this! Feel like crying, almost. Haha. For three years, I've been on and off obsessed with it and it's pretty hard to accept that it's going to be over; that I don't have to agonise over the long wait for the next chapter.

I cannot even begin to think of this scenario with regards to HP canon without getting shivers. When I get the final book, I think I will bawl my eyes out, I will. What a nut, right.

What's the right thing to do? Make other people happy, or make yourself happy? I don't see how I can be happy if the people around me aren't, so I suppose it's the former. At least there's joy in seeing the smiles on other people's faces. Rather than lukewarm comments that go, "Oh, is it?" or "Eh..." which subliminally say - what a waste.

I just feel so. Nyyyeaaah. There's no word for it.

If only there was a book of the future, or at least one I can access. Tell me what am supposed to pick, do, choose. What. I don't care much about the anticipation crap lah okay (except in books). I just want to know what the right thing is.

Well, the unspeakable thing has come and passed. Was tearing as I sat in front of Ms Lo, waiting for the result slip, the fear reaching its zenith at that point. My hands were shaking visibly too . Ms Lo, I think, found it amusing to see us all like that, shaking like lambs. She assured me with a smile that I had done well, and I gathered the courage to look at it. Of course, my ungraded physics S made me stop short but when I saw the my merit for Bio I was thoroughly relieved. It was more than I could ask for. And straight As. As did 59.5% of RJ. Thank God, I say. At least this hurdle is over, and we can go on with our lives no matter what has happened.

Maybe some of us didn't get what we wanted. But I suppose we have to learn to see the bright side of everything. No matter how hard that may be.

Anyway, now. The unbearable applications.