Selamat Hari Raya!
First day raya was strategically a Friday, which allowed whole-day raya-visiting for the entirety of the long weekend -- it's been fattening, heart-warming, and exhausting.
For a while in Ramadan, I had I-should-shut-down-my-blog feelings the likes of which I hadn't had in a long time, which came along this time with deep reflection and feelings of regret, but now I'm no longer deep in the pit; now, there are feelings of having been cleansed and having forged a newer self, insya Allah. What I'm realising just now is that maybe, those feelings of regret when I was younger may have meant that I was more rapidly growing and learning and realising how I could have done better. But as a full-blown adult, this occurs less. As adults, I think that perhaps people get to a point where they feel like they've fully developed or matured and start to plateau and do things the saaaame way without really looking back or realising how things could have been done better, or that they could have been better. Unless something external that happens perhaps forces them to change. How many of us are actually driven to better our internal selves?
I have happy/positive thoughts/reflections at the moment that need to be put list-like
because it's super-duper late and I cannot really focus to produce proper prose:
*amidst the expected jibes/comments about why I'm not married yet when virtually everyone else is (which I must add I'm dealing with far better than I expected -- a good sign of my developing core self), someone asked me about work and asked about my future plans with my career, Was I going to open a clinic? How long was I going to stay in this job?: to which I answered after a beat, Until the time it feels right to go. I have blogged briefly about this previously: about how I've lived my work via my intuition and it has never felt more right than when I do. What was significant about it this time was that I was telling someone this unabashedly. I'm going to do what I'm doing as long as it feels right, and I'll go do something else when something else feels right. I have learnt that this is not typically how people make their decisions, practical as they are; but this is mine and I have always been grateful for the times I've followed my heart and gut (with some gentle tempering, but not interference!, by head).
I have a dream of being fully like this;
fully aware of the way I am and being unabashed about it.
I am a dreamer and it is awesome.
I will achieve my dreams, even if you don't believe it.
Like Ralph Waldo Emerson said:
It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion;
it is easy in solitude to live after our own;
but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd
keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.
Insya Allah I will try and emulate this greatness,
and not have to want to run to a cave to live with my opinions.
*This personality of mine also explains why Kafka on the Shore appeals to me so much:
"What do you mean-- that?"
"The place Nakata's been searching for."
Hoshino looked up form his map again and gazed into Nakata's eyes. He frowned, looked at the sign, and slowly read it again. He patted a Marlboro out of the box, put it between his lips, and lit it with his plastic lighter. He slowly inhaled, then blew smoke out the open window.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, this is it."
"Chance is a scary thing, isn't it?" Hoshino said.
"It certainly is," Nakata agreed.
Well, maybe it isn't chance, is it. Maybe there's no such thing as chance.
*what you say, and what you write about really speaks volumes about who you are.
I was struck by this again when I was reading a-famous-person's blog.
*which makes me glad most of the time how obscure my blog is, because it frees me to be as real as possible but with an element of an audience, that allows me to write differently than when I blog in private. An audience forces you to be more thoughtful about your words, and to take the perspective of someone who may not know or understand the same things, and to try and convey issues and meaning convincingly. A private blog basically has me cursing, complaining, key-smashing, praying, lamenting, without explaining anything. It's different. Writing is a beautiful and complex process that people underestimate.
*parent-child relationships are probably one of the most, if not the most, important human relationships in existence. I've come to appreciate this deeply over the past year. I see it in social situations too, and then I relate it to myself, about how parent-child dynamics or lack thereof basically impacts an individual for life. It makes sense then that after Allah and Rasulullah s.a.w., we should next be grateful to our parents.
*this isn't easy to do if some parents are not angels (in fact, none of them are!) and some are far from being one. But I've reflected that maybe, that's the point? One is supposed to learn and accept that even the ones from whom one expects the deepest and most unconditional love, will inevitably disappoint you. This is shattering to a human psyche. But again, that's the point. Because you are meant to look for a higher love; the love of God, the divine. Divine love is the highest and purest form of love that will never disappoint. God is infinite; but humans are limited, and we can all learn to love them as they are.
*this also means that once you have an infinite source from which to derive love (i.e. God), it enables you to love freely and adequately other human beings. Half the problems in the world are caused by human beings who were not loved well enough when they were young and subsequently become troubled, damaged, and then do terrible things in the world. May all of us be led to divine love in order to heal ourselves and become whole.
*it's proven yet again: the cliche Love makes the world go round.