Oh,

Jessica Jones.

💜

You're the first female superhero I love;

so full and fleshed-out and 3-dimensional,

and all kinds of wonderful, yay.

(my only gripe/question about Season 2 is -- where on Earth is Luke?

did he just up and disappear?)

the lifespan of an idealist

I was thinking tonight, that the average lifespan of an idealist is probably 25 years.
For sure, they don't exceed 30.
Do they?


It's just that, the real world, it kills your hopes and ideals so easily, that I often have to recalibrate, and recalibrate, and recalibrate -- but thus far in my life, I have managed to repair my rose-tinted glasses of the world. It just surprises me that I find my idealist-self surviving; sometimes from a bed of ashes I feel, like a phoenix, haha. Because even when sometimes I think, that's it, S, finally -- surely you're no longer the fool and dreamer you were, I wake up down the road, and I've found my idealist self buzzing inside. When I realise it's still there, it's like regaining a pet I've lost or a piece of beauty I thought had been stolen forever, and it makes me want to cry and cry and cry; because, how could I have given up on you? You're here, you're beautiful, and you fill me with hope and joy.

My idealist self is still here. And I'm way past the age of budding youth. Shouldn't it have died? What am I feeding on that it's still alive? Should it die? No, right? I don't quite know. But mostly, I'm glad it's still here; because I don't think I'm me without it. I suppose it doesn't matter that much that it doesn't help me function as well or as efficiently as others in the real world -- because without it, I don't function at all.



This is a list I was thinking on earlier that proves my idealism is alive and well;

My Impossible (but is it...?) Wishlist

1) true love

2) an otter

3) KonMari herself to come and help me clean my space (but then I'd probably cry when she tells me to throw my books) or at least to succeed someday into making my living space incredibly zen and beautiful

4) respect for all women in this world (shouldn't it be world peace eh, hahaha; but this has obviously been more on my mind in recent times)

5) to meet a fellow Lymond reader (not even a fan, okay, just someone who read it!) by chance

6) to figure out a bit more about this synchronicity thing that E and I always talk about

it's not fair! how come other people get to have otters as pets! ):

---

even YouTube is capitalising on BTS's popularity
and created a mini-documentary/reality series for BTS.
are you all on the BTS bandwagon yet?

ohhhmygod, every time I hear RM or Suga speak -- I'm in awe.
these two geniuses.

... let's get the meaning clear: empathy is the art of stepping imaginatively into the shoes of another person, understanding their feelings and perspectives, and using that understanding to guide your actions. So empathy is distinct from expressions of sympathy -- such as pity or feeling sorry for somebody -- as these do not involve trying to understand the other person's emotions or point of view. Nor is empathy the same as the Golden Rule, 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,' since this assumes your own interests coincide with theirs. George Bernard Shaw remarked on this in characteristic style when he quipped, 'Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you - they might have different tastes.' Empathy is about discovering those different tastes.

~ Empathy: Why it matters, and how to get it by Roman Krznaric

This empathy vs. sympathy issue is one of my pet topics, because I believe the difference distinguishes someone with depth and real compassion and connection. Nobody wants to feel pitied (do they?), but everyone wants someone to understand. And for you to want someone to understand you, that person has to be able to show empathy instead of the simpler, shallower sympathy.

💜 words can be beautiful.

and articulate the exquisiteness of human emotion.

To suffer woes which Hope thinks infinite;
To forgive wrongs darker than death or night;
To defy power which seems omnipotent;
To love, and bear; till Hope creates
From its own wreck the thing it contemplates

--

Life may change, but it may fly not;
Hope may vanish, but can die not;
Truth be veiled, but still it burneth;
Love repulsed -- but it returneth!

Yet were life a charnel, where
Hope lay coffined with Despair;
Yet were Truth a sacred lie.
Love were lust--

If Liberty
Lent not life its soul of light,
Hope its iris of delight,
Truth its prophet's robe to wear,
Love its power to give and bear.

~ Percry Bysshe Shelley

Remember its flight

for the bird is mortal.

~ Forough Farrokhzad

I've been loving Jessica Jones a lot recently.

The best thing about this show is how awesomely female-centric it is.
It's amazing, and it only hit me about 3 episodes in: how the show revolves around female characters. It is so refreshing and exhilarating.

It felt a leeetle bit like returning to school for me, being from a girl's school and all. It reminded me how in girls' schools, because there were no boys, we never expected anything less of ourselves: the project boss is a girl, the videographer/photographer is a girl, the techie is a girl, the director is a girl, logistics was girl's work too. We never saw anything really as gender-typed, and it is only as an adult looking back that I realise the immense value we had in our education being in girls' schools. It was unconscious, it was subtle -- but because our formative years were spent in a space we could grow whichever way we wished, we subconsciously allowed ourselves to be ambitious and strong in our lives and careers. Jessica Jones as a show gave me that same feeling: our awesome hero is a woman; she's not always smiling and rarely sweet and kind -- it's normal. Women are not always sweet, happy, and kind or otherwise cease to be women; we get angry, we get confused, we make mistakes, our function is not simply to serve men. We have lives, we dream. We can fix our problems and not wait as damsels in distress. We demand to be respected. We have best friends who are girls, and we love them. We may love men, but we love each other very much too.

Not until I watched this did I realise how much this perspective was generally lacking in mainstream media. I especially love the friendship between Jessica and Patsy! They love each other as girl best friends do. And they're not always catty like girls are typically portrayed in high school scenarios (I'm thinking of Blair/Serena from Gossip Girl, ahah). Girls can be amazing best friends whose lives do not revolve around men, thank you. This is normal female experience somehow not portrayed enough, I feel. (Just the other day, Datin S was contemplating that girl friendships possibly lacked compared to guy friendships because of the famous tropes of girlish bitchiness and bullying and I agree it exists; but so do amazing girls who are far from bullies or bitches -- they don't just get portrayed enough. Instead we get Blair Waldorfs and Kardashians as examples. I have amazing girlfriends I would literally die for. If you don't know such women, you don't know enough women.)

This quote made my day today:

Whatever purifies you is the right path -- Rumi

---

and a repost!

I'm recalling one of my favourite BTS songs ever because of the amazing lyrics and just the emotional punch; I hope we'll get something like this again from BTS. It's understated beauty, that's what this is. It's not one of the majorly popular ones (because now BTS has music videos with views in the hundreds of millions) but I remember listening and watching this, and feeling like wowwwww; it really moved me.

And when I rewatched this -- there's this bit when Suga raps about being afraid of the void, that empty feeling he gets after a concert or performance: I can put a name to that void now! I get what that is. E and I used to talk about it -- that horrible sinking feeling you get in your gut after you read a great, great book, or after watching an absorbing movie or television show; or after you play a great game; it's when flow stops, my dears.

We all know and experience the void. It's when flow states end and we get thrust back into the real world and all its pains and fears. The thing is, unfortunately, it's not supposed to be a goal of life to sustain eternal flow states. Because then we'd just be automatons, won't we? Flow states are there, I think, as a demonstration of human potential. Flow states enable us to focus and get really good at something and deeply enjoy and immerse ourselves in life activities. The opposite of flow however, I think, is reflection. We cannot escape reflecting on our lives; this happens when we are out of flow.

And as always, balance is the ultimate ideal, isn't it? You can't always be in flow, but neither can you always be watching or observing yourself. That's not how you achieve your potential. Flow states are necessary for skill improvement, but now and then, you need to step back and reflect: Are your flow activities worthwhile? Do they fall in line into your life purpose? Are you fulfilling your destiny? Is there such a thing as destiny? What would God say? Why are these thoughts plaguing me? 

Javadi narrowed his eyes. "Are you a feminist, Miss Farrokhzad?"

"Don't harass the woman!" Kamaliazad said, presumably in my defense.

"You do read fiction, though, don't you, Miss Farrokhzad?" said Javadi, amused behind his spectacles.

"Of course--"

"Then perhaps you can tell us your opinion of a recently published work."

"Which one?"

"The Void. Do you know it?"

I was worried he'd bring up an unfamiliar title, but I recognized this one immediately. Touted as the season's must-read, the story wasn't even a story. It was an obscure and rambling philosophical meditation, the work of some pretentious hack whose name I couldn't recall.

I turned to Javadi. "While I haven't had the opportunity to attend university or familiarize myself with foreign films, I've always thought that in a work of art the audience matters much more than the artist. The Void fails on that count."

"Do tell us more, Miss Farrokhzad," Kamaliazad urged.

"Well," I started, "it seems to me the only point of that story was to prove the reader's stupidity, and to me that's an arrogant and hollow gesture."

A strange silence fell over the group. "Mr Javadi," said Kamaliazad, addressing the man in the round spectacles, "you must thank this young lady for offering you such an honest critique of your work."

I looked at Kamaliazad, then at Javadi, desperate to know if this was a joke. It wasn't.

"I'll forgo the thanks," Javadi said, his eyes locked on mine, "but I do have a question for you, Miss Farrokhzad."

My face burned. "Yes?"

"What if people are stupid?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Let me put it this way: Should an artist reduce himself to the lowest level of intelligence of the people around him -- or indeed of those in front of him?"

The hostility of these last words erased my embarrassment. "By insulting people's intelligence you lose any chance to educate them, and in refusing the validity of their perspective you've denied yourself the main purpose of making art."

It was Darius Golshiri who spoke next. "Which is what?" he asked.

"You surely have your own theories, Mr Golshiri."

"But if you were to say, Miss Forrakhzad?"

"Connection," I said. "Not just between one idea and another, but between people."

-- Song of a Captive Bird, Jasmin Darznik

---

That bit I read today really struck me, on different counts.



I'm actually incredibly sleepy at the moment and I have almost zero energy to organize any prose:

*Changing habits is such a difficult process. And after my month-long break from my routine, I feel myself settling back into the same undesirable patterns again. Perseverance is a virtue I hope I can cultivate.

*I'm also trying to cultivate a growth mindset. I think I've grown and lived all my life with more of a fixed mindset and it's quite a miracle that I've managed to be financially independent and sustain a career despite this, Alhamdulillah.

*I'm trying to create flow states in my everyday life. That is how we derive enjoyment from life. (read Flow by Mihaly C.)

*In recent times I seem to have distilled for myself the essentials of certain things in life: authenticity, for instance, is key to a clear conscience and a happy life. You don't necessarily have to tell anyone else what you've understood or learnt, but you better not lie to yourself. Tell yourself. Be true to yourself. Because as Atticus Finch said, you have to live with yourself before you live with anyone else. Or you could think about the fact that God sees you, all of you. Have some modesty and don't lie. Don't pretend not to know. Don't feign ignorance. I believe this is the literal definition of kufr (i.e. often translated to ingrate, or disbeliever in Islam): to cover up (what you know). You will be held accountable for this self-deceit.

*I was right when at one point after reading The Autobiography of Malcolm X, I had observed and blogged that what created greatness in persons appeared to be sincerity, courage, discipline and wit. Whatever I've learnt and read about since then has only confirmed my initial observations. For instance, again, authenticity is what I meant by sincerity; authenticity guides you to realising your potential. Discipline, as it turns out, is what is needed to create flow states, especially in the initial stages (again, read Flow by Mihaly C.), which is so necessary to realise your authentic selves. It's all related! (My brain feels woozy and tired, I hope I don't sound so random.)

*Discipline is something I'm really struggling with right now. That's the thing I'm really, really trying to cultivate in myself at this stage in my life (better late than never, eh?)




Ja, oyasumi!

It's been a while! It feels like eons since I've blogged properly. And lots have changed so I feel a little disoriented and I'm still trying to gain a footing; and also, trying to figure out if this blog has, or should change.

*Came back from Umrah of course but haven't said much about it. I hope my ibadah was well-accepted and that I return with a clean slate to start afresh on a lot of things.

this was the view from the top level of Masjidil Haram!

It was pretty cool being able to see the movement of people from the top.

we made some quick visits around the city

for the historical sites, but didn't climb any mountains, unfortunately.

some more nice views while on the road.

"Our chicken is national from farm to kettle" -- HAHA.

I suppose they mean they cook locally-produced poultry?

English is not a popular language here.

*And then, having had hopefully a good spiritual cleansing, after a few days back in SG, I fell so very, very sick. I was so sick I thought perhaps that I might have died at some point, haha. Everything felt awful, and then the doctor scolded me for not taking care of my health (and hence having terribly low immunity) and now I feel like I've had a physical wake-up call and a physical cleansing. I'm adamant about turning my health around now.

*Then amidst my sickness and slow recovery, my sister got engaged and that took up almost the whole weekend. It wasn't that big of an affair but still, the house got turned upside down somewhat. And yes, everybody is saying they'll pray for my turn -- ah wells, I'm just glad I'm alive at this point. And I'm also adamant about creating flow and positive experiences in my life now (see my current read, Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi).

*I've officially left KKH~ !!! at some level, I feel like it hasn't sunk in yet. But we had an official farewell for me, and I received wonderful presents and wonderful wishes from everyone on the speechie team. And once again, I marvel at how I've managed to meet and befriend so many amazing ladies. (Like when I was emptying my locker, I realised F had randomly slotted a message to me whilst I was away off-site saying how much she missed me; I mean, honestly, how are these girls so sweet and wonderful?) I admire these people so much and I feel pained to leave them, but then I'm joining another great group of people at NFC and working with Datin S -- and I suppose that mitigates the ache a little bit.

awesome speechies at Rehab!

Sometimes I think I've been spoilt by the wonderful persons around me, so much so that I think this is how typical human beings are. But then I sometimes encounter other not-so-nice human beings and realise how they pale in comparison -- and I realise I have to calibrate my expectations so I don't get so upset by disappointing humans. Therapists are some of the best people you'll ever meet, fight me on that, haha.

*Officially a therapist with NFC starting this Thursday! Ganbarimasu!

*I'm going to start putting more structure in my life so as to achieve the myriad goals and ideas I have in my head. Insya Allah, Amin.

see, I think I've always been too much 

into the right side of this Venn diagram...

time to achieve some balance.

So one of the presents I got from my speechie team

was a masterclass drawing set -- with pencils, charcoals, erasers, a sketchpad and a guidebook,

and it has revived my random drawing activities and here are some amusing things, hehe:

I thought I'd finish with this nice supplication:

Ja!

Rather than seeing the question of human free will as a question merely of choices between options on a particular plane of reality, Sufis have seen free will ultimately as a characteristic pertaining to a particular state of being. Only insofar as human beings rise above their egotistical desires and submit the will that pertains to their own individuality to God do they realise true freedom in God. But those who attain this true freedom only will what God wills, because they exist in a state of perfect submission to the good and thus also display the attributes of something that is, as it were, totally determined. This is exemplified in a paradox discussed by Ibn Arabi, who says that those saints (awliya) most capable of performing miracles are the least likely to do so, since they are most content with God's Will for the world and themselves. Moreover, qadar, or one's "lot", is seen, in the ultimate sense, as a manifestation of one's own nature or essence as known by God before one's creation.

-- Study Quran

When I was away in Makkah and Madinah for the recent Umrah and spiritual getaway, I finally managed to return to some good reading of the Quran and I came across this confusing, crazy, fascinating section in my Study Quran about the eternal philosophical issue of free will:

Truly We have created everything according to a measure.-- 54:49

This verse can be understood as a straightforward affirmation of God's creation of all things. In relation to the preceding verses, it can also be understood as a simple statement that God decreed or "measured" a punishment for the disbelievers and cast them into Saqar. But due to the Prophet's own debate with those who denied God's qadar, or Decree, this verse became a focal point for discussing the relation between Divine determinism and human choice. Qadar, or "measuring out", is also said to be one of the tenets of faith, regarding which the Prophet s.a.w. said, "No servant of God truly believes until he believes in qadar, its good and evil, and until he realizes that what has befallen him was not going to miss him and what missed him was not going to befall him." 

The earliest determinists, known as the Jabriyyah (lit. "Compulsionists"), held that all human acts were determined by God, including acts of belief, disbelief, good, and evil. From their perspective, 54:49 supports the position that God has predetermined all events... 

The Qadarites held that human beings are free and are the authors of their own acts, but this does not contravene God's Omnipotence. The Mu'tazilites held that human beings are fully responsible for the creation of their evil deeds and God simple punishes them accordingly, a position that seeks to absolve a just and merciful God from the apparent injustice of creating the very acts for which He then punishes their perpetrators. The Ash'arite school of theology finds both of these positions abhorrent, because each would posit a creative agent outside of God. At the same time, they find the Jabrite position to be monstrously fatalistic, reducing human beings to passive agents with no will of their own. Ash'arite theologians thus sought to explain that God is Just and Merciful and does not punish people for things for which they are not responsible, and that human beings bear responsibility for their actions but are not the creators of these actions, since from their perspective God must be the Creator of all human acts, as He is the Creator of all things (40:62).

There are so many opinions about free will within Islam alone, and although we've been told from as young as 7 years old that one of the pillars of faith is Qada and Qadar (believing in Destiny and the decree of God), what did we understand of it? What do most of us understand of it? What does believing in it imply that one must do in behaviour and action? (No teacher ever elucidated on this topic for me, ever.) I feel like if there's anything that causes such philosophical and psychological pain in me, it is trying to decide how much of something is a fault of mine or to be taken as a decree of God; how much should be still worked at and fought for or resigned to and swallowed as a bitter pill of reality. Where is the balance between accepting your destiny and when there's a will, there's a way? Where is the stop sign? Where is the boundary that tells me, beyond here, it is God's control? LET GO. But wait, isn't it all God? What if God means for me to fix it? Because if God made me such-and-such way, then of course, I'm going to do such-and-such thing... right? Or not? Was the point the choice I was supposed to make? Did I make the wrong choice? Is there even a wrong choice? And even if I did make the wrong choice then, does realising it now mean I should do something else to fix it? Do I get to pick the right choice now? What.

Questions like this can plague me for hours on end, haha. Please tell me I'm not the only nutso like this.

After reading that whole confusing bit, I finally settled on this being the best takeaway for me at this point in life:

Rather than seeing the question of human free will as a question merely of choices between options on a particular plane of reality, Sufis have seen free will ultimately as a characteristic pertaining to a particular state of being. Only insofar as human beings rise above their egotistical desires and submit the will that pertains to their own individuality to God do they realise true freedom in God. But those who attain this true freedom only will what God wills, because they exist in a state of perfect submission to the good and thus also display the attributes of something that is, as it were, totally determined. This is exemplified in a paradox discussed by Ibn Arabi, who says that those saints (awliya) most capable of performing miracles are the least likely to do so, since they are most content with God's Will for the world and themselves. Moreover, qadar, or one's "lot", is seen, in the ultimate sense, as a manifestation of one's own nature or essence as known by God before one's creation.


In other words...
the only freedom is in God.
Free will is a misnomer...?
Just choose what you think will please God
(or in secular terms, you could say just do the right thing),
because that way... what you choose and your destiny...
start to align, I think.
Rendering the whole destiny-free will tension moot.

Maybe that's the whole point.
God knows.