At night, in banter with my sister,
I whine sometimes, both in jest and masking as jest,
that my heart hurts.

It is one thing, that as I look closely at it,
splits into many things -- then I think:
what is this multi-faceted pain.


this:

The feelings that hurt most,
the emotions that sting most,
are those that are absurd;
the longing for impossible things,
precisely because they are impossible;
nostalgia for what never was;
the desire for what could have been;
regret over not being someone else;
dissatisfaction with the world's existence.
All these half-tones of the soul's consciousness
create in us a painful landscape,
an eternal sunset of what we are.

Fernando Pessoa,
Book of Disquiet

In line with my personal efforts to revolutionize my space

via the KonMari way and a philosophy of stewardship and gratitude to possessions:

The Story of Stuff

Need constant reminders about this.

We don't need to eat so much,

we don't need to have so much.

We must tread lightly and kindly on the Earth.

It's less than 2 weeks to my career move out of the hospital to the community -- and my god, the backlog work. Not to mention the typical Muprhy's-law type situation that results in the convergence of this event with other events in my life that leaves me seriously, with miniscule hours of rest.

I am so exhausted, it's ridiculous.

And of course my N-type personality (i.e. the opposite of S; a topic which deserves a separate post on a separate day) does not help me at all because though I plan to do things, I don't end up completing them in the time it was stipulated. What N-people do is delve into a thing for hours on end and don't get out, and when they finally do, they realise, oops, did I over-run? This repeatedly happens to me with all my major projects, so essentially I really cannot have more than one thing (okay, maybe a few things) happening at any one time. And then I get upset with myself because I cannot do all the things I wanted to do well enough.



I will make a long happy post about my thoughts on work/future/plans,
when I am finally out and settled and ready for a new adventure.

Excuse me, but I will continue to be a relentless ARMY (i.e. a BTS fan) for the next few weeks because I'm still so high on their latest song release and they still have an upcoming music video next week, and we're all waiting in anticipation. 

And then today, I decided to finally look up the lyrics of one of my favourite BTS side tracks called Whalien 52, and I realise it's literally about a whale!  (okay, it's a metaphor for loneliness etc as well -- Rap Monster, you genius boy, you continue to astound me.)

There's a great mammal in the ocean known as the 52 hertz whale. All year he practices his love song for the female. Travels thousands of miles to find her. But when he finally gets the chance to serenade her, she doesn't give him a call back.

Why? His love ballad is sung at 52 hertz. A sonic signature, one note higher than the lowest sound of the tuba. The average female hears at 10 to 15 hertz. So she never hears his song. They call him the lonely whale. And year after year, for a hundred years, he works out a new love song but he never ever gets a call back. Eventually he dies off, forever alone. Heartbreaking.

-- Gil Grissom, CSI


Apparently, this is a real whale that has been boggling scientists, and BTS sings about it! For a long time now, I've loved this song and didn't really think when they said "whey" these adorable Korean boys literally meant "whale" (darlings, your English diction, save for RapMon's, needs to improve) and god -- they have a song about a whale! It's the cutest thing! The song is bouncy with a tinge of gravity/melancholia and very thoughtful (if such a combination can exist, and I think in general this is a standard feel of BTS songs.)

The message of the song:
like the whale, I'm feeling lonely and feel like no one will hear me,
but hey, I'll keep singing my song cause I believe one day, someone will!

lonely lonely lonely whale

I sing to myself...
This song that receives no reply
I sing till it reaches someone tomorrow

💜

love this.

so beautiful!

before I even knew the meaning of the lyrics,

this song and video did things to my heart.

edit:

I decided to get "The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas" -- the short story by Ursula K. Le Guin which part/most/all of the music video was apparently based on (Omelas is the name of the motel that features in the video) -- because I really was not satisfied with my analysis and understanding of the music video without having a full picture of the story. I mean, I had read a synopsis of it, but I felt like it wasn't enough. So then while on the bus to work I quickly looked it up on Kindle and omgggggg, Kindle has felt the effects of BTS too because do you see them suggesting Demian as well (the book the previous music video was based on, which I read too of course), ahahahhhhhh. 😆 Not to mention that the actual short story was part of a compilation of short stories but suddenly Kindle is selling this Omelas story solo, which will only be available tomorrow, a day after the release of the Spring Day video???

It appears to be a pattern now that every music video will have a book/story behind it -- so we don't just have music enthusiasts now but book nerds like me obsessing about them. This is really pushing the idea of entertainment to a whole new level, that's what they're doing. You don't just get a new song, you get a story, a video, most of the time a dance as well, and a political statement. I am digging this so much too, because it's what I've started to do with our book club for the books we read or select: we read, we listen to related lectures, we watch movie adaptations or related documentaries, and we discuss. It is awesome. And isn't that happening here too with this amazing boyband. Multimodal consumption.

After watching Spring Day now don't-know-how-many-times, and reading tweets and reviews, I'm suddenly realising now the full breadth of meaning in this video and it is staggering me. And the fact that genius and philosophical Rap Monster wrote the lyrics is not surprising but I don't know, still leaves me in awe -- gasp gasp gasp, people are saying it might be in reference to the Korean Sewol Ferry Incident or in opposition to child labour in general because of the laundry metaphors in the video (ahahah seriously the mountain of laundry) or in a nutshell, what BTS is saying is -- yes, we are enjoying our lives but hey, we have moments, some of us more than others, when we realise that the ease and luxury we feel here is perhaps at the expense of others who are suffering in the world, and hey, we want to be on the side of those people. You Never Walk Alone (i.e. the name of their new album remix). 💜

Their production company must be filled with geniuses who then selected off the streets genius talented boys and produced this genius talented group with heart and brain and brawn and cool moves and gorgeous looks -- where is the catch, people! How can this group be so perfect.

---

the obsession continues with us fans.

the theories are endless and leaves my head in a spin.

Also, the short story "The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas" is a disconcerting piece
-- I don't know, I feel stressed after reading it! 😔  Here's an excerpt:

They all know it is there, all the people of Omelas. Some of them have come to see it, others are content merely to know it is there. They all know that it has to be there. Some of them understand why, and some do not, but they all understand that their happiness, the beauty of their city, the tenderness of their friendships, the health of their children, the wisdom of their scholars, the skills of their makers, even the abundance of their harvest and the kindly weathers of their skies, depend wholly on this child's abominable misery.



I love love love how all the pieces and threads of meaning are weaved together in this beautiful music video.

Recently purchased Trevor Noah's Born A Crime -- and it's such an entertaining and thought-provoking read:

I learned to use language like my mother did. I would simulcast -- give you the program in your own tongue. I'd get suspicious looks from people just walking down the street. "Where are you from?" they'd ask. I'd reply in whatever language they'd addressed me in, using the same accent they used. There would be a brief moment of confusion, and then the suspicious look would disappear. "Oh okay. I thought you were a stranger. We're good then."

It became a tool that served me my whole life. One day as a young man I was walking down the street, and a group of Zulu guys were walking behind me, closing in on me, and I could hear them talking to one another about how they were going to mug me. "Asibambe le autie yomlungu. Phuma ngapha mina ngizoqhamuka ngemuka kwakhe." "Let's get this white guy. You go to his left, and I'll come up behind him." I didn't know what to do. I couldn't run, so I just spun around real quick and said, "Kodwa bafwethu yingani singavele sibambe umuntu inkunzi? Asenzeni. Mina ngikulindele." "Yo guys, why don't we just mug someone together? I'm ready. Let's do it."

They looked shocked for a moment, and then they started laughing. "Oh, sorry, dude. We thought you were something else. We weren't trying to take anything from you. We were trying to steal from white people. Have a good day, man." They were ready to do me violent harm, until they felt we were part of the same tribe, and then we were cool. That, and so many other smaller incidents in my life made me realise that language, even more than colour, defines who you are to people.

I became a chameleon. My colour didn't change, but I could change your perception of my colour. If you spoke to me in Zulu, I replied to you in Zulu. If you spoke to me in Tswana, I replied to you in Tswana. Maybe I didn't look like you, but if I spoke like you, I was you.

---

This guy is wonderful and one to watch!
I finished his book: essentially profundity delivered with humour.
Which I guess is what true comedians do.

He said something at the end of this interview too, that struck a chord in me:

What would you like legacy to be?

I'm always wary of that question, because I often feel like your legacy may not be one that you have full control over. I have a very simple hope and that is... I hope to leave each situation, and each person that I've met, in a slightly better place than when I met them.

yes yes yes. I'd been thinking about this lately.

That we all have stories in our heads, the stories we want to live out in our lives, and a lot of the decisions we make in our lives relate to how we want our story to go. But see, God creates your plot twists, and puts you as the protagonist in settings you often had little choice about. Your job is to trust that God will write you your best story anyway; your job is not to avoid or create or manipulate the plot twists, but to live out life as the best type of protagonist you can be. That's virtually the only part you really have any control over.

obviously I am loving this show

Ji Dwi, my heart bleeds for you. 💔

I rarely love the secondary male protagonist in a drama this much, but I officially love him now more than Sun Woo, I think. People are saying the character developments in this show are terrible, and they're not entirely wrong, but they're not entirely right either! Because Ji Dwi, although it's slow, we see him learning and trying and figuring things out.

This episode really broke him down (and broke me down ahahah) -- he can't win anywhere. He can't seem to live up to his own standard of king or even be king, he can't get the girl he loves (who quite openly shows she doesn't love him back), his mum is the perennial selfish bitch; he as much confessed to Sun Woo defeatedly  -- you want to kill the King, just kill him. Which sort of left Sun Woo stunned, and yes, we can all tell Sun Woo loves Ji Dwi, doesn't he! 😌  Sun Woo is also only now trying to grasp the full breadth of the politics that is happening around him, and that culpability isn't as straightforward as he thought it was, good and evil is not black and white.

So this scene with the Master was really wonderful -- because while the Master himself started out wanting to reprimand Ji Dwi, the Master quickly realised that he didn't really have to. Here was a young man who was self-aware, who had humility and courage to see his own shortcomings, and who had his heart in the right place. And the Master realises he was right to have faith in this King (it's so cute, haha you can see how happy the Master is, smiling proudly while Ji Dwi is in tears). It's meant to make the viewers consider, despite Sun Woo out-shining Ji Dwi during the confrontations with the Baekje enemy, that hey! Ji Dwi is equally king material, people! Don't you guys forget!

Ji Dwi beat himself up so much because he wasn't bold or fearless or brazen like Sun Woo, but that's because they're fundamentally different personalities (which is why the dynamic between them is interesting anyway). Ji Dwi is more thoughtful and quiet and calculative, and just because he doesn't act as quickly doesn't mean he sits on his ass and does nothing! He's just careful and not rash. People are forgetting: the fact that he is even a Hwarang at all is because he chose to defy his Mother! He knows things are not right and he wants to right them, but he wants to do it in small non-disruptive ways; he wants to be a proper king. Just because he doesn't go in guns (or in this case, swords) blazing, doesn't mean he endorses the status quo.

Dear big mouse,
Do not eat my barley.
I took care of you for a long time,
but you do not care for me.
I will leave you for certain,
to a better land.
To a happy land,
I will find righteousness there.


You are a huge mouse. A huge mouse who could not tell the enemy's Crown Prince that he is the King.

You're right. I'm not qualified to become king. Being afraid and hiding in case someone would catch me and recognize me was not enough. When the enemy's Crown Prince asked who the King was, I could not step forward. I am just a coward. A coward who is always ready to hide and cover his face.

I do not know if my words would help, but there are many cowardly kings in this world. However, not many kings would admit it to themselves that they are cowardly, because stating that they are cowardly takes courage.

Do you think I could really take the throne?

Your Majesty. Endure it. Whatever it may be. Whether it is a high place or low, dirty or beautiful, and dangerous or safe... If it is something you must do as the King, please endure it all. That is my answer.


This show is generating such diverse opinions; and I know it has multiple problems with its execution. But for me, the political play about who is king is the one thing done right here, and they've got two convincing actors pitted against each other -- I am on board. This is exciting. I love them both. The rest of the drama isn't so bad that it puts me off: I tolerate Ah Ro/Sun Woo, and I actually find Ban Ryu/Soo Yeon adorable; the Soo Ho/Ban Ryu bromance has potential but is poorly developed, so is Yoo Weol/Han Sung. And eh, bonus -- I still get to see pretty V proving himself fairly decent in his first acting role. ✌

This drama was pitched as a reverse-harem flower-boy drama littered with pretty idols
-- and truth be told, the reason I was mainly compelled to watch this
was on account of my dear V from BTS making his acting debut.

The drama did live up to its promise of delivering fan-service in bucketloads
with all the bromance, and horsing around, and comedy.



But ohmygoodness, all that masked a seriously first-class political plot, which as I think on it, is quite unfair. ): This drama has such a bad rep because of how it was advertised, and I don't think it's being taken seriously. But it should be! The writing isn't bad! The political gambits keep me at the edge of my seat.

I about died from tension this latest episode. The production team made a great choice at least to let more veteran actors Park Seo Joon and Park Hyung Sik take the lead roles, and my gosh, they are superb. Park Seo Joon especially is amazing -- I actually think his acting calibre is probably what's raising my esteem of this show.

(Unfortunately, the romance on the other hand is so lacklustre
I couldn't care less who Ah Ro ends up with.)

But here's BTS V's and Jin's part of the soundtrack,

which is awesome (and I'm probably biased but who cares)

Finally got to start on my personal KonMari project today,
having taken substantial time away from work.

And my gosh, this is like a war, and today was just the first of many battles. I am exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. And this will likely go on for months, if not the rest of the year. Because KonMari-ing is not just about tidying up; it's about a lifestyle change. It's about living well, materially, and hopefully that will have good effects internally and in other unforeseen ways.

I was right to make this the one and only goal for my entire year.
Insya Allah, success in this will spill over into other little goals as bonuses.


Most people realise that clutter is caused by too much stuff. But why do we have too much stuff? Usually it is because we do not accurately grasp how much we actually own. And we fail to grasp how much we own because our storage methods are too complex. The ability to avoid excess stock depends on the ability to simplify storage.

...

When you treat your belongings well, they will always respond in kind. For this reason, I take time to ask myself occasionally whether the storage space I've set aside for them will make them happy. Storage, after all, is the sacred act of choosing a home for my belongings.

-- The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying, by Marie Kondo

To a future of being a better steward to my possessions. 

It's part of showing gratitude right.

Nabi s.a.w. would approve surely, insya Allah.

Speaking of which, hehe, a segue: tonight we had our typical mini family squabble / argument / conversation -- and my dad was going into his whatever-men-are-not-supposed-to-do-that mode and annoying my sister to frak because apparently he never did share the load of baby-care-giving when we were babies. 

But a simple interjection of, "What would Nabi do?" was enough, because you know he s.a.w. would totally be on board with helping out his wife (i.e. Sayidatina Khadijah with whom he had all his kids, I think...) with his babies. 

To which my dad's response was only, "Yeah well, that's Nabi..."

The argument is won though. And my dad did say nothing more. 

I was so internally delighted at having realised this formula -- anytime a man (or anyone, really) gets insufferable, just remind them, what would Nabi do? And the problem would be settled. Because who better to show us the way than the best man to ever walk the earth.

Ya Rasulullah, I love you so much, 

my heart feels full to bursting at times in awe of you.

You truly are a gift to all womankind, and to all humanity.