Decisions. We make them everyday. Most trivial things that we decide on are inconsequential (when we go to sleep, to the loo, which book to read, which foot to put forward first etc), but there are those things which truly matter. Sometimes, we're aware of decision-making moments and we put a lot of effort into making the absolutely, perfect right choice (or so we think) and sometimes we're clueless about our life-changing actions until we find the time to pause and reflect. The latter allows for some quiet amusing reflection - like how you make friends for instance. A single 'Hi' could make a life-long friend or a bad first encounter could create lasting enmity.
What's really horrible is the process of making a decision that you know would affect the rest of your life. I've lived for less than two decades and there hasn't been much opportunity for me to make huge choices. I just went with the whole Singapore flow/rat race/train/whateveryouwanttocallit. Study hard from the moment I was thrust into preschool and work for those As, without question. I remember praying so hard in Primary 3, 4, 5 and 6 to be the top in class. My life revolved around attaining the first position (at a certain point, I began to think that each good/bad incident was an omen/indication to my academic results), because I knew it made my parents happy.
Then, when I grew older, I realised that I wanted more than making my parents happy. Yeah, okay, I continued studying... but I think I started to lose focus. Why am I studying like mad? Why should I?
Okay let's see, perhaps most people would think like this? Study hard, get good grades, get good jobs, make good money, get married, have kids, and make the kids study hard so that they'll grow up to make good money as well, and the kids will go on to have their own kids. What is this. A neverending human cycle of stress just to make good money.
Okay fine, I have to be realistic. What was I thinking? Of course people work to make money. Du-uh! Then they can live.
But money does not motivate me.
I wish it were possible to travel all over the world. Surely I can survive. Stop by places, earn a little bit here and there, meet people and eat their food (haha) and then go on travelling. You hear of explorers doing that in the past. They were so lucky. Now, you try to do that... Too many obstacles (immigration and police) and people would think you're a psycho. And besides, there seems to be no place left to explore.
Oh crap it all, why am I rambling.
What am I going to do after my As? That's my big question. It's not that far away. Not far away at all.
What to do.
The things I want don't seem too good for me, so people say.
"... of all the awful things that make you sick to your stomach, nothing feels half as bad as knowing you had a chance to do what you truly love, and you didn't take it." ~ The Meaning of Life, Bradley Trevor Grieve
The what ifs. They haunt the rest of your life, don't they?
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