here is non hoome, here nis but wildernesse

(from Balade de bon Conseyl)


some days, I feel like I can't dredge up the fight needed;
and I recall my younger days of wishing I could sink to the bottom of the ocean,
close out all the noise and oppressiveness...
and just escape. God, I feel so tired.

You know, you look around at human beings
running and running and running
after things;

and then I sit with my 5-year-old client and
I zone out and stare at him as he fiddles with the Lego pieces
-- and he just is.
Just is.
Why can't we be just is, please.
He looks up and shows me he's got it right,
and on to the next piece now.

It's quiet, and thoughtful, and peaceful, and good.

BTS in SG!

I thought I could let this concert pass by 

without much comment here,

but I was wrong.

I saw BTS live,

and I get it even more now

why people love them so.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Tonight was unbelievable ~

Truth Untold 

-- we all sang together, it was lovely and amazing.

When the rappers came on to do Tear, 

the whole crowd devolved into INSANE.

I have no words. 

Seriously, the energy!!! 

And hello, look at the awesome colours -- 

the screen became black and white for the rappers. 

And all the ARMY were lighted green.

GORGEOUS

I believe this was when V said I purple you

and all our lights became purple!!!!!!!

💜😭😍

What an experience! BTS is awesome but so are the ARMY fans, and it's true I think how the dynamic feeds into each side like an endless cycle. The way we all sing along, almost word for word, in Korean, mind you -- was astounding. The atmosphere was off-the-charts-insane. BTS has speeches and greetings, saying how surprised they are by our welcome, how much energy they get just being there with everyone, how much they missed Singapore, how they want to come again to see us -- and everyone is just screaming their heads off in happiness. I also have to add how much I love their efforts in speaking English to us, clearly rehearsed, but amazingly touching nonetheless. And of course, the visual aesthetics never let us down, even at such a huge concert venue -- the lights! and colours! playing off the music! the CLOTHES. At one point, both F and I looked at each other, and gushed about the boys' gorgeous jackets. Seriously, I want them jackets, they were beautiful.

At first, I thought I wouldn't let loose so much; I didn't expect myself to go completely fangirl-nuts. But then, the excitement just kept building up as the concert progressed; when they started doing the old songs (OMGGGGG) like I Need You, and Run, and Fun Boys, and Baepsae (OMGGGGGGG), I started to lose my cool. Then Truth Untold came on, and I utterly lost it. The lady next to me (who had her little kid with earmuffs on next to her) also went a bit nuts. The whole bench was vibrating with excitement. Right after the vocalists' showcase, the rappers came on with Tear (which I have to add is possibly my favourite rap piece by BTS ever), and ohmygodddddddddddd. I have no coherent words. It was SO COOL and everyone was shouting the chorus together and alternately screaming from all the awesome. I really wondered if they heard us all the way across the Kallang River.

They got goofier towards the end of the concert, and gave unscripted speeches in both English and Korean (translated, of course) -- and I love how natural and real they appeared. Jin was so goofy and funny and omg kental, it was so cute. He spoke his entire bit in English, and ended with okay, thank you, finish -- which sent everyone more or less into hysterics and squeals. They seemed really sincere, and tried to come close to everyone, and waved at everybody; at one point, Jimin came as close to our side as he possibly could (he was still tiny) and whilst F next to me was screaming Park Jimin! intermittently like she did throughout the whole concert, we waved our arms insanely in the air, and he waved back at the whole crowd -- I like to think our crazy hand waving made him wave back, hahahaha.

A taste of our singing along:

I was so happy we got to sing along together to Epiphany (my song of 2018).

Oh, BTS.

I didn't want the night to end.

I recently purchased an audiobook version of Checkmate (Dorothy Dunnett, Lymond Chronicles).
(How many versions of this series will I eventually possess, haha?)


Listened to this bit just this morning,
and can I say how much I love these lines?
Some of the best lines I've ever read:

...the moment of creation that occurs
when the warp is interlocked with the weft.
When the singer is matched with the sounding-board;
the dream with the poet.
When the sun and the fountain first meet one another.



So, so, so beautiful.
I would wait my whole life to witness such a thing.

:O

I'm gonna go make me more gamma waves!

In a separate thing I read, some other scientists did a study on the effect of gamma waves on mice and found that their brains built up less plaque (which apparently co-related to dieases like Alzheimer's...?). So if you put two and two together: praying or meditating leads to heightened gamma waves which lead to potentially brain longevity and health! 

In the Islamic culture, we always do say that someone who reads a lot of Quran or memorizes the Quran does not get dementia. There seems to be truth in that! In fact, I've been thinking how amazing/ridiculous it is: Islam stipulates Muslims pray with khusyu' i.e. practice mindfulness in prayer 5 times a day every day of our lives -- and here we are learning scientifically about mindfulness like it's a miraculous thing we should all suddenly take up. 

helllloooooo Muslims please pray it is good not just for your soul but your health. 

It's probably good in ways we will never know or understand.

God always knows.

it's 2019!

let's start the year with wise words

from this awesome lady:

 

 

Been thinking about how much of a sap I am, in the sense that I cry so easily, it's almost like a leaky tap. You could just nudge me (metaphorically) and you'd have trouble screwing shut the waterworks. This was so unbearably apparent especially when I had my brief spiritual retreat in December, and I would cry over seemingly the littlest, most mundane things. We would speak and share things in a fellowship meeting and anybody's tears almost guarantees my tears; and when I speak I devolve into a complete mess. You'd think it's an ability of sorts to feel what someone else feels, and cry easily (I could probably act very well if I put my mind to it). But the way I am, I am more often horrified and embarrassed. People would cry over their problems and I'd end up crying more crazily than them and it gets embarrassing??? Hahaha. And people would sometimes wonder if I had a similar problem or something. Sometimes yes, I suppose, but mostly... no?

When one of my colleagues broke up years ago and she was hiding, weeping, in her clinic room, I went to talk to her and started crying myself, and had to apologise for it -- because why am I crying??? HAHA. It's ridiculous. I appreciate that I empathise well, but sometimes, other people's feelings overwhelm me and my own feelings overwhelm me and why am I processing this for everybody, it's exhausting. Goodness, creating boundaries is hard. I go to extremes: either your feelings flood me entirely or I shut you down, you're out of my space. I cannot deal! I'm trying to build my essential self and develop that wisdom that is able to step back from my live wire, but my God, this is a lifelong struggle, I feel.

May this year be fruitful, beautiful, and full of happy surprises.
God, I need them, thank You.


---

Integrity, the kind that meets the demands of reality, is character that can handle another person's not being all someone needs that person to be. By moving as a positive force that is "for" the other person's getting better, as opposed to moving against him or disengaging because he isn't, the person leverages him to a higher level. As a result, these people do not get dragged down by other people's failures, but are a force of redemption in any situation, bringing it to a higher level. That translates into a relationship being healed in one's personal life, or a company getting turned around in one's business life. Either way, his or her character has been a force "for" the good of the other, even when no one made her do it. And that is why when you look at the long-term wake of this kind of person, you find long-term, successful relationships and work scenarios. When troublesome realities come along, his or her character was able to meet those demands and be a redemptive force.

-- Integrity: The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality, by Dr Henry Cloud

This reminds me of what was mentioned in Arabic class last Sunday, when Mudaris talked about the difference between the soleh (the good) person, and the muslih (the good one who influences others to goodness). And isn't the best at this the Prophet s.a.w., whose very being influenced all sorts of goodness? ❤



Ganbatte, S!