Just had one of those episodes of mine - where I wallow in depression and self-derision. Why do I try to please everyone? Why do I try damn hard to be perfect and good and nice when I well know it's unattainable anyway? And then when I fall short of what I think I should be, the whole "I-hate-myself-I'm-incompetent" thing comes about. And bloody hell, why can't I handle confrontations? I hardly ever argue with my sister anymore even though she annoys me to the extreme, simply because I'm tired. I get easily upset when my mum starts raising her voice about the littlest things, and I just shut up and obey because am too sick and tired to defend myself, and I never win anyway. I mean, why can't people be nice?
What's my problem. I seem to think the world is supposed to be a harmonious beautiful place, full of considerate, altruistic human beings who care for each other and the progress of humanity. It so obviously isn't. Why do we work toward such things when perhaps Hobbes is right - we're all inherently greedy and ugly and self-centred, and society serves only to curb our evil impulses? (Feel like rereading the Lord of the Flies.)
In the beginning of the year, I prayed to God to make me not care anymore. Am tired of caring about stupid things. Am tired of worrying about how people feel. Am tired of thinking that am never good enough. Why can't I be one of those nose-in-the-air people who don't give a pipsqueak about how they appear to others? It must be darn nice to be so self-possessed.
And how come I always blame myself for everything. I'm so sick of doing that! Why can't I put the fault on others? I think I should learn to hate others more or learn to love myself more. Preferably the latter. Forgive myself for all the deficiences that I unfortunately possess.
To go completely off tangent here, how does one curb one's imagination? Am infuriating self with silly stories in my head that won't go away. There's no more story to channel it into anymore either.
Oh, yes, should record PW grade: A2. Oh well. At least it's not a B. Received the comments for PW today - for my presentation, Booth wrote: "Seems a bit lost. Waits for slide, waits for thunder too!" Why, thank you. My blurness seeps into everything.
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