I've been recalling this poem lately:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- e. e. cummings

This week, this is true, haha!

"Happiness consists in getting enough sleep. Just that, nothing more." - Robert A. Heinlein

:'(

I had an emo moment and now it's over. ahah. well. I am human, am I not.

Anyway, I am behind on a lot of work as usual, because I have a crazy family that never rests and I also do an additional number of things myself -- blogging here and being emo included.

But I also went for APEX, okay! This past weekend, after weeks away from Irsyad because of exhaustion and so much stuff to do, I decided I should return to helping the kids, and my god, after that last session, I vowed to keep returning for the remaining 15 sessions. I felt sad and guilty that they'd been kinda neglected with the rapidly-changing mentors who are so busy etc etc. These kids need help, and sincere help too. :( Besides, it's almost a guarantee I won't be doing this anymore next year so I shall give my last hurrah.

And today, I finished up my last bit of data collection i.e. I went over to a kid's house to make him do English composition -- haha, sounds evil, right! I chatted with his mum though and it's conversations with such people that make me feel I'm glad I'm doing this and that I'm striving to be in a position to help people some day, iA. Parents who are looking for assistance and help and are like, what are the gahmen doing! 

I think I still have loads of things I'd like to talk about here but don't anymore -- because, partly, life calls? There's work and being responsible and realistic and adult. What am I saying right, I fangirl all the time -- but fangirling is different and easy; it's surface stuff.

I'm not usually despondent; despite appearances, I do think I'm quite tenacious deep inside (haha, I have never used that word on myself!). I have a great knack of seeing the wonder in everything and anything, though not in the conventional forever-bubbly sort of way people expect, but more in a reflective, contemplative, maybe serene, I'll-get-how-this-sucky-thing-fits-in-some-day attitude.

I don't know where I'm going with this whining post; but it feels a little like my resources for tenacity are being chipped away. It's a little irritating.

!!!!!! omg what!!!! Love Rain Episode 14 is descending to ultra soap opera level. I hate In Ha now!!! Also, seriously, once I'm done with this drama, I will vow to stay away. Until I forget how insane kdramas are and come back for another round of addiction.

On more important real life events: insya Allah, I will complete placement in 5 days! :D yay.

OH OH OH, and according to my sister who quite suddenly worked through Cassandra Clare's City of Bones within a couple of days, said book is being made into a movie production! @.@ There is a strange surreality to this -- because uh, she used to be a fanfiction writer we were all pretty much obsessed about in our teen years, and now she might become a... very, very rich woman with a book-cum-movie franchise a'la Twilight???? I am just imagining future interviews or stg where the Draco Trilogy gets mentioned somewhere. O.o

oh my, my brain needs rest.

Love Rain. This story is building up so prettily. It's accompanying my placement days like a faithful friend. I am afraid they'll not be able to wrap it up nicely though, because as I've witnessed numerous times, the Kdrama weakness lies in the closing. They'll get you so high and addicted with the plot and characters, but then disappoint you with an anticlimactic finish.

Essentially, the story is pitting one beautiful romance against an equally beautiful love: the old couple that has waited years to finally decide to be together, and the young couple who just discovered each other (Jang Geun Suk and Yoona are so cute in this drama, I could not stop grinning at their cutesy parts). How can you make me choose between OTPs, drama writers? :'( So cruel. All OTPs deserve a happy ending, at least in fiction. In fact, that's why we have fiction, no?



---

I actually had something else on my mind but then... I don't want to be so incongruous within one entry. My blog should attempt to be neater than my actual thoughts, right?

follow your heart, they say. Which is fine. I can certainly relate. But now I also think, at the same time, don't forget this:

O Turner-over of hearts! Keep my heart firm on Your deen, and in obedience of You, and in the love of Your Prophet.

This week hasn't been particularly good; I need to buck up. Moments when you're disappointed with yourself are the worst. :(


This weekend, we talked about one of the Prophet's many famous sahabahs, called Sayidina Saad bin Abi Waqas. He is most famously known as the man who would forgive everyone who'd ever hurt him and mention them by name in prayer every night, and held no ill will towards anyone. And because of that, though he did nothing much else that made him stand out, he was guaranteed jannah. He was also the one Nabi s.a.w. said whose prayer would always be answered. We then also learnt he was the same man who went over to China to spread Islam, and was known by all to be the best archer. There's apparently his tomb somewhere in China too, as well as a mosque.

How is it that even the relatively less known sahabahs are this awesome?

I wish...


---

Not entirely unrelated to the above, this movie is epic epic epic, and I am an epic-junkie, yes. This is archery like nothing else I've seen on screen, and Legolas is an amateur in comparison. Also, it stars my lovely heroine from Princess Man, Moon Chae Won! And she's kick-ass as always; any lady who wields  a sword immediately enters my favourites list.

I watched The Avengers this weekend - the movie to watch this year, probably. It was pretty good stuff, and expectedly entertaining. When I walked out of the theater though, what I thought was, "I really want to watch Sherlock Holmes again!" Because Robert Downey = awesome.

So I finally watched the Graham Norton episode with both Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law (and if you've known me long enough, yes - Jude was totally one of my phases). I love them and their great chemistry. I need to get my hands on the Sherlock Holmes movies again.



Full episode here!

HAHA, what a line:

"the creepiest creep who ever creeped"

I had such a lovely evening, Praise God.

Met up with my classmates to trash out about Mid-Placement Evaluation, and trash out we did. We laughed so hard, I'm sure we chased at least half the stress away. We complained incessantly about how we couldn't feel anything via digital palpation (for swallowing assessment) and we confessed to each other we're just faking our way through half the time. It's hilarious. And all our silly escapades: like banging the poor patient's head against the headboard, spilling tea, milo and hot water while attempting to feed patients, and shining the torch into the patient's mouth only to have the poor guy's head light up like a lantern, because he was sans hard palate, soft palate and also maxilla. It's such a wonderful comfort to know that at least we're all struggling together. Therapists are surely some of the most amazing people in the world? Haha! I think so.

And then, nearer the end of our meal, music came over the system and everyone in the restaurant paused, and THEN! Mini walked out with a cake -- as usual, I was blur and like, "Eh, who? Why?" And then! It sunk in. Ah, so embarrassing. I haven't had a surprise in a while.

Such lovely, lovely people.

hello, weekend! I have missed you. And yes, I understand now how you are best friends with all who slog in the system. (Though technically, being only semi-working, I have stuff to study/work on during the weekend, ugggh.)

This morning I chatted online with a friend for a little -- and her life, gosh, I feel so jealous. I don't feel compelled to elaborate, but basically: that she's close to God, and when you're close to God, miracles happen.

---

SPOILERS!

Let me go back to reviewing The Princess' Man which I fangirl-ed about numerous times previously. Like I said, its ending was a bit problematic for me, but the thing is -- the OTP was unbelievable. And it would have won even if every other element of the story failed (which wasn't the case at all). The pairing was basically the most agonized love story I've ever witnessed in a drama. And I have had my fair share of reading or watching painful stories.

Step aside, Romeo and Juliet; what do you know of being trapped in an ill-fated love. Seung Yu and Se Ryeong went through hell and more; and they're not stupid teenagers who ended up killing themselves! How awesome is that. They're a smart and gorgeous pair of young adults who, because of evil circumstances, had their just-budding love slowly die under the greater forces of politics, family loyalty and personal morals. Off the top of my head, I really can't think of a love in fiction (or otherwise) that's as painful as this.

Okay, Lymond and Philippa are pretty insane too, but I don't know, the situation didn't seem as hellish as that of Seung Yu and Se Ryeong. Lymond was being whiny and all "You don't want me. I am bad for you, a bastard son full of disgrace. I am a hunchback whelped in the gutter." and then Philippa decided to join him in the gutter; but then she's like, "I'm sorry, I've created another problem for us. I can't be with you... as a woman." And poor Lymond's all broody and not complete -- it's a lot of personal melodrama between the two of them. Which can be big issues on its own, don't get me wrong, but it seems petty when compared to the pain that Seung Yu and Se Ryeong faced. Seung Yu basically almost went off the mental edge hating her so hard and loving her so hard at the same time, because he couldn't bear it that her father killed his family. He's also driven by his integrity and need to see justice for all the wrongs. And she's all like, "I understand. So please, I don't mind if I die by your hand. I would die a thousand times if it gives you peace." LIKE SERIOUSLY, bash our hearts to bits, drama, why don't you. And Se Ryeong can't help it if she still loves her evil father, because dang it, you only have one father, no matter how evil! Even if you know your father is wrong, how do you bring yourself to kill him?


Here's the original sound track for the drama with accompanying tragic scenes of this doomed pairing.

It is ridiculous how much I get cheered up by a good drama. I am heavily influenced by my current favourite blogger of course; but seriously, I walk out of work, and I check youtube and when I realise there are english subs, I'm like YES!!! and grinning away in public. How awesome is fandom, huh. It takes only ~ 24 hours to sub an episode.

And the current drama - Love Rain - is proving to be another awesome one (but it's still early, so perhaps I should bite my tongue). It's amazing and deep on so many levels, and it breaks and heals my heart at alternate scenes. *wibble* It's so idyllic and romantic but then it takes this very real turn and makes you think about big questions and life and choices. It's such a smart piece! I'm at your mercy, drama writers.

I walk home (and I sometimes think I can walk the route home blind), and I think and I mull -- and I think that over the years, with some maturity, I finally learnt to love myself. It feels like such a comfort; like resting on something soft and fluffy. There's a security there: that even if others hurt me, at least I won't hurt myself.

Okay, I sound disconnected up there; welcome to my brain.

I'm learning to live life one day at a time. (:

hehe, but taking it one swallow at a time (my brain is on dysphagia overload!) makes me a calm and grateful human; life is far too good to complain.

Rasulullah s.a.w. said, "Whoever is given and he is thankful, when he is oppressed he forgives, and when he oppresses others he seeks forgiveness; inner peace is indeed for them and they are amongst the people who are guided."

God, make me of the ones You love.

Happiness is happiness of the beloved.

Spent the day in Johor with my parents and my uncle's family -- which means I have lots of work to catch up with tmr! :\ I thought it'd be better if I opted out, but then... who deserves your company most? Your mother, your mother, your mother, and then your father, right? Got my mummy settled with more of her iPhone accessories: her screen protector and her cheap-o Kate Spade cover, hahaha. She is now thoroughly obsessed with her new limb i.e. smart phone. At dinner, I was the one watching both of my parents poring over their iPhones while I zonked out and tsk-tsked in disbelief!

Facebook sign in still an evasive task at the moment. And within an hour, I will miss saying happy birthday to my oldest friend in the world. Oh man. !!! I suck.

Also, announcing that I am officially a fangirl of this fangirl, Mousie. She makes me feel like I can totally live a normal life, and even one day get married and have kids, and still be a fangirl!

I recently signed myself out of fb because I was trying to give my mum a tutorial of fb, and then after I was done with all of that, I realised I couldn't sign back in! Because I'd thoroughly forgotten my password! And the retrieval of said forgotten password is made more difficult by the fact that I use my old email for my fb account, which I haven't accessed in a long time either, and I'd forgotten the password for that too! Hopeless I am. So right now, I can't access both my hotmail or facebook, though am in the process of attempting to obtain my hotmail password first, then maybe fb will follow. But maybe you know, this is all a sign, eheh... Goodbye, fb?

Sometimes, I think I couldn't care less. But there are some people I do like keeping in touch with. So let's see how it goes.

I heart the song! Plus the unique storyline -- a 70s tragic love story, that then repeats itself in the future.

After ending work today and finally plodding back to the speech therapy office with my CE, we found the crammed little space that is the ST office crowded as it usually is -- seriously, more than 12 STs in a space perhaps only slightly larger than my bedroom! Then out of the blue, while the various STs were busy wrapping up for the day, someone who had a ukelele out, started playing and singing,

"I'm so tired, tired. Everyday so tired, tired..."

Hahaha! It was so funny! XD Everyone had unconsciously paused at precisely that time amidst the fluttering, so we all heard it -- god, so amusing, and it accurately captured our state at 5.30 pm. It totally made my day.

Somebody should really stop me from this korean drama wave I'm on. Danger, danger da yo!

I finished The Princess's Man, and it now sits in my top favourite kdramas list (together with Iljimae and City Hunter). I had an issue with the ending though - it's a bit of an anticlimax. But the middle was just too great to relegate it to a bad drama list. The chemistry was also pretty insane.

And now, I've started Love Rain, which is currently airing. :\ It really doesn't help that I can find it online relatively easily and also watch it on trains!!! It makes my journeys to work bearable. It has become like my soma (read: Aldous Huxley's Brave New World).

And Love Rain, named after the song a guy writes for a girl he says he doesn't love -- yes, I watch more of twisted, complicated relationships. This guy needs to be slapped upside the head for being a big stupid idiot. Stupid is stupid is STUPID!!!!!!!!! The girl should really throw heavy stuff at him.

I cannot take anymore of idiotic behaviour.

I MUST STOP WATCHING THESE EMO STUFFS. Maybe after placement, I'll get some sanity back.

:( heartbreaking! This drama is killing me. But thank goodness for our lovely heroine. She's always trying to do something to save the situation/her beau. I get a headache looking at how hard she's thinking and how zombified she's becoming without the sleep. I'm wondering how she hasn't gone ballistic yet; I would have taken a knife and started slashing at all the evil people around me, hahaha. Hey, even our hero already had a breakdown okay. Everybody has a limit. And when she finally creeps at night to get a sword, I'm like YES!!!!! Finally! She's going to resort to violence. XD HAHAHA. I couldn't take it anymore. If I were her, I'd say, Abuji, what's the use of me living if my whole family is like this?

Yay, 1 week down. :) And it was way better than I envisioned so far. I also have a language therapy session to plan for next week, and am actually feeling quite psyched for it!

I love Fridays. I hope it's going to become a pattern that the work week ends on a positive note. To commemorate a happy Friday, this I saw recently, hehe:



---

On a separate note, I've started on a korean drama. (You know this is going to be a fangirling section!) I've been able to catch it on my phone too while on squeezy train journeys. It's last year's historical period piece called The Princess' Man, and it has hooked me in since the first episode.

It's so heart-wrenching and like, I keep thinking, fate, why you so cruel!!! As is typical of the korean drama containing coincidences and entanglements a'la Bollywood style, a group of young people all related in some way to the workings of the royal governance, start to develop a jagazillion conflicts with each other once they start stepping into the arena of adult reality and politics. When they're young, relationships, friendships and also romances, bud and bloom in innocence and then later it all gets shattered, when politics and adult loyalties creep into their lives. :( I felt like bawling.

I just finished watching this bit, where our hero protagonist tells his best friend: "Don't worry, let's ignore the complicated world of our fathers." And you know it's like the last time they're going to be on the same uncomplicated side before everything falls apart, :'( cause his best friend is already feeling torn inside by his father telling him that they're planning a political move against his best friend's family and they're planning his marriage to the girl his friend secretly loves! Like WHAT THE FRAK! WHY YOU SO EVIL WORLD. Please don't make his best friend evil! I really really like him so far. SO poor thing, and you can tell he thinks the girl is awesome too so how can he help but feel affection for her. And he can't bring himself to tell his best friend anyway, because our hero and heroine who are secretly in love and kept apart by evil fate belong to a Rome and Juliet situation because of their Montague-Capulet level family/political feud. OMG, I have a feeling that if they don't make the best friend evil, they'll make him die at some point! :'(

And yes, the female lead has grown on me; I love her. This always indicates a good sign that a drama will remain lovable for me.

On top of the evil politics, there's a freaking love PENTAGON, I swear. K-dramas usually have at least a rectangle. When really, come on, love can be complicated enough when it's just two people, please; but apparently the korean drama writers don't seem to think it's quite as exciting.

 

I've been feeling like a coiled spring.

My release: I imagine the edge of a cliff. and screaming, Ganbarou! 

The root of contentment is love.

omg, omg, omg! what -- I didn't know they were making this into a movie, not that I was ever a Rurouni Kenshin fan, or anything, but I had heard of it and how awesome it was, and this seems waaay cool and awesome, that I am only short of physically flailing!!!



It stars Takeru Sato, whom I've always had a hard time deciding if I liked or not, but he does seem quite awesome in this trailer. Excitingz! The hairs on my cheek are standing.

Oh I do love heroes with swords, if you didn't already know. And all that sacrifice and death for honour and love.

And yes, I know I have been fangirling -- let me indulge before stress begins again.

Occasionally, I come across a blogger who, dang it, sounds like me that I am positive I know her somehow, haha, but she is one of those who gives zero access to her identity -- so, that really, I actually have no idea. This person likes Lymond and J-dramas and the Draco Trilogy (omgz!), and it made my brain go into weird overdrive wondering if her LJ username sounds the least bit familiar. Or maybe it's a common thing to like all those three separate things at once?

Anyway, I have decided that I need to read Dorothy Sayers' Lord Peter Wimsey series, because of the supposed parallels between Lymond and Lord Peter.

Oh Lymond, how you have destroyed me, you have no idea.



And the same blogger reflected on Draco from the trilogy: (this cracked me up!)

I feel old. I used to love this stuff and eat it up with a spoon but now I feel attacked by overzealous adjectives - it's so busy. It makes it feel overheated. One doesn't have to be a follower of uber-terse Mr. Hemingway but it feels as if a thesaurus exploded in there. Moreover, probably because I am a decade older, Draco is not angsty and supercool any more - I just want him to. stop. talking.

Yeah, yeah, your evil abusive father has poisoned you so you are dying, the world is about to be destroyed, and your love life resembles a hexagon or an episode of Passions. But can you stop overemoting all over the place? Stoicism and quiet are admirable traits but I am not even daring to hope for those - I just want a break in the non-stop stream of overwrought emo - doesn't it get tiring to be in constant cosmic anguish?

He is ridiculously high-maintenance and I have low tolerance for that, and my tolerance gets lower and lower as I get older. Either he or CC's Harry make awful boyfriends. I think by the end I only like Ginny, and I think that is mainly because she forced it out of Draco that he lurves her forever and ever as his souuuuuuumate, had sex with him, and then ditched in the morning because they both have way more growing up and therapy and ducttape on Draco's mouth to do before they hook up for good. That is about the only sensible thing anyone ever did in that entire trilogy. 

So maybe she's right, maybe she does deserve respect
Maybe she walks around feeling like a superhero with that scarf dangling from her neck
Maybe nobody is forcing her to wear it,
Maybe she would never leave home without it,
And maybe she don't care what people think, cause most opinions ain't even valid
Maybe she feels free; maybe she has peace of mind
And maybe she'll give you a piece of her mind if you step out of line,
Maybe she isn't perfect, but maybe she's trying
Maybe she is just taking things one day at a time
Maybe she laughs and maybe she cries
And maybe you would be surprised at everything she keeps inside
Maybe she hears every single word said by those cowards
Maybe she has no problem defying all those who doubt her
Maybe she is a warrior and the silence is getting louder
Maybe she wears that shield cause every single day is a battle
Maybe she is more than the skin she is in,
Maybe we should start learning how to love what's within
Maybe God only knows all the places she has been
But maybe she comes back to Him, again and again
Maybe she's not afraid to die, just afraid not to live
Maybe I am not worthy of everything she can give
Maybe she is kind, sweet, pure, gentle and suitable
And maybe, just maybe she is beautiful.


I like this bit especially: Maybe she's not afraid to die, just afraid not to live


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I have a few days till placement starts. And I shall strive to be on task and excellent and curious and most importantly, positive!


I was recently inspired by Lauren Booth (Tony Blair's sister-in-law who famously turned Muslim) who described how she is always known as Miss Upside, cause she sees the bright side of everything. And when she covered Palestine as a journalist, she met the most amazing Muslims who, more than her, found joy in the worst circumstances. Their world may be torn apart by war, but they were the ones who welcomed strangers into their homes, and had big smiles on their faces, despite the fact that their families were broken or missing. I felt so ashamed; how do I compare.

Alamak, my paper is tomorrow; this advice should have come sooner! And it has one of my favourite doas (I've been looking for the arabic script for this...).

A bit panicky right now because I don't know how much detail I need for tomorrow's paper! and "what ifs" are clamouring my mind. :s

from the beauty of islam

Get worse, oh crisis, so you can get better;
Your night has declared the coming of the morning.

Been watching BBC adaptations (in between the mugging, I promise!) and finished George Eliot's Daniel Deronda. I have mixed feelings about the story -- it's about Jews and their status in society in Victorian England, and also about the difficult lives of women in general, and also about what chasing after your own desires lead to. I think the main problem I have with the story is that there are in fact too many things going on, and nothing specific to root for. The drama's redeeming quality is its cast! :D ahah. I adore Romola Garai! She's a captivating performer.

And the character she plays - that's the reason I thought this was worth blogging about. A thoroughly unlikeable person - selfish, conceited and vain - but I learnt to like her by the end! :O Because she'd learnt to suffer the consequences of her actions gracefully and transformed into a better person, albeit with the guidance of Deronda, who she'd pinned her hopes on but lost anyway. Character-driven stories always appeal to me. It surprised me how much I liked her in the end.



"I've always thought I was the best of gamblers, now it seems I've lost in every way."

Speech Language Pathologists need to:

1) Be aware of their clients as individuals
2) Have critical thinking and clinical reasoning skills for differential diagnosis and choice of treatment
3) Be familiar with formal assessments, procedures, and equipment for diagnosis and planning intervention
4) Have clinical skills in assessment and intervention
5) Know about clinical research findings and integration of research principles in practice to allow EBP
6) Acquire diverse clinical practicum experience
7) Adhere to standards of ethical conduct
8) Have an understanding of current contemporary professional issues

---

Rasulullah s.a.w. is the greatest blessing; the ones closest to him are closest to Allah, and the ones most ignorant of him are furthest from Allah. 

:)

I really am going to try to keep to the Monday + Thursday weekly fast, every time I can. There was a study I'd read, showing that depriving oneself of food twice a week correlated with fewer neuro-related diseases in old age! So then I started copying Saj (our awesome senior and also PBL facilitator) and started the weekly fasts.

Be less worldly and the world will be a better place for all of us, I think. Seriously.



Have hope in the Prophet s.a.w. for he will never betray you. He will stand by you.

<3

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson

Reality, Philip K. Dick had once said, is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

The beauty of any object is measured by its capacity to point to the Real.

- Imam Abdul Latif Finch

When I have time at my disposal (to study, actually, and to keep up with my research work, because it's reading week), I start to return to a version of my self that is quite different from who I am when I'm busy. And I become this.. I don't know, a more distracted child. Haha! I return to my loves, basically. My reading, and digging up stuff because I am simply curious. I also become more of a philosophical nut. Really, give me a tower of books and I will simply be quite happy. What's with me trying to make my way in the world with this clinician stuff huh.

But yes, I remind myself that this world is not a dream.

Lead me where You will; my heart on a platter.

---

I get extremely irritated every time I realise that there are virtually ZERO youtube videos of Arashi or any JE group anymore. Johnny and all the higher-ups need to be smacked over the head with a pan, or something equally violent. I can't find a single version of Arashi's WISH PV anywhere online. I was listening to it randomly tonight and missed the PV and wanted to have a rewatch, but failed to find it. If this had happened four years ago... I wouldn't have been able to love JE.

One day, Kpop will seriously take over ALL of the JE star power, even in Japan, and it will be entirely the management's fault.

This was the best I could find: (and, gah, this was 7 years ago now???? Dear god, Arashi is old. I am old.)


Wish by Arashi by saryoma

WISH <3 <3 <3

"SO THAT'S HOW THE COMED-TEA WORKS! Of course! The spell doesn't force funny events to happen, it just makes you feel an impulse to drink right before funny things are going to happen anyway! I'm such a fool, I should have realized when I felt the impulse to drink the Comed-Tea before Dumbledore's second speech, didn't drink it, and then choked on my own saliva instead - drinking the Comed-Tea doesn't cause the comedy, the comedy causes you to drink the Comed-Tea! I saw the two events were correlated and assumed the Comed-Tea had to be the cause and the comedy had to be the effect because I thought temporal order restrained causation and causal graphs had to be acyclic BUT IT ALL MAKES SENSE ONCE YOU DRAW THE CAUSAL ARROWS GOING BACKWARDS IN TIME!"  (Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, Chapter 14)

The author is really quite genius. Ah, gems of fanfiction.

:OOOO

Intelligence is the ornament of every serious woman.

- Arabic proverb

That this is of arabic origin is astounding to me. Haha. Perceptions of my ancestral heritage (separate from religion) are quite prejudiced, sorreh, my Arab blood.

Also saw this:

There are many who love in this world, but very few who commit.

- Arabic proverb.

We all fail at this, to some extent.

Enjoying Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality while in transit, and I like the fact that it explains bits of stuff like this:

Harry looked up at McGonagall and sighed. "I suppose there's no chance that if I said fundamental attribution error you'd have any idea what that meant."

McGonagall shook her head. "No, but please explain."

"Well..." Harry said, trying to figure out how to describe that particular bit of Muggle science. "Suppose you come into work and see your coworker kicking his desk. You think, 'what an angry person he must be'. Your coworker is thinking about how someone pushed him into a wall on the way to work and then shouted at him. Anyone would be angry at that, he thinks. When we look at others we see personality traits that explain their behavior, but when we look at ourselves we see circumstances that explain our behavior. People's stories make internal sense to them, from the inside, but we don't see people's histories trailing behind them in the air. We only see them in one situation, and we don't see what they would be like in a different situation. So the fundamental attribution error is that we explain by permanent, enduring traits what would be better explained by circumstance and context." 

True, this. Because some things only seem to make sense to you, while the rest of the world may think you mad. I do remember learning about fundamental attribution error in Human Relations class at USP three years back. Interesting stuff.

Also, I concede that the fic is getting quite hilarious at points. Like the fact that Harry wore a headband to cover his scar! XD what the frak! The image of that in my mind cracks me up.


Obnoxious Harry:

"Cor," said the red-haired boy, "are you really Harry Potter?"

Not this again. "I have no logical way of knowing that for certain. My parents raised me to believe that I was Harry Potter, and many people here have told me that I look like my parents, I mean my other parents, but," Harry frowned, realizing, "for all I know, there could easily be spells to polymorph a child into a specified appearance -"

"Er, what, mate?"

Not headed for Ravenclaw, I take it. "Yes, I'm Harry Potter."

I remind myself that everything is as You wish.

Ah, my favourite bits about the heart using kinetic typography!



---

I'm finally getting to the linguistic analysis for our research project and came across this in one of the P5 compos:

"He and his sister opened their room door gently like a smooth criminal."

Haha! You wonder what goes in the minds of these kids.

Also, (on reflection of being cringe-level-emo in previous posts),


daijoubu desu! Truly. If not right now, eventually I will be.

Chill! Take one problem at a time, please.

I think I'm getting more and more cryptic here because I can't seem to afford the time to write at length. I have one-liners stuck on my mind over a few days, and there it goes in an entry. Full reflection on the other hand is a time-consuming process - which many people don't seem to get. Like part of my placement requirement is to keep up with regular journal writing for benefit of the faculty - in a crazy hectic hospital setting, where will I find a moment's reflection? And not only that, to pen it down??? I take back what I said about feeling less apprehensive for adult placement: now that I know where I'm heading in a few weeks, I feel my anxiety level rising.

The good thing about being a therapist is that you learn the very same skills for management of your own problems; so here's my platter of issues, I shall prioritise. Which problem requires my immediate attention? How may I deal with it? And all the time, I keep in mind the benefits to level of functioning and well-being, so the big picture is served. After all that, you leave it to providence.

---

Selawat is magic. To the point where I fear my using of it so recklessly.

Greatness is in the little things, my darling.

It's been aphasia all week! Exhausting to the extreme, but can't say that it wasn't good either. I feel less apprehensive about adult placement now!

The problem with hanging out with people so similar to you is that - while you enjoy the fact that you like similar stuff and can enjoy similar activities - you also reinforce each other's bad habits.

This is a refreshing thought for me; normally I gravitate to people who are similar to me -- comfort zone and all that right. Also birds of a feather flock together. But! How are you going to discover new worlds if you don't mix with people who cover new or different ground?

On Saturday, Mini and I spent close to an hour in a tiny rental bookstore after a failed movie plan, and we were like, "Oh my god! This is so bad! I don't want to go out with you anymore!" Hahaha.

How beautiful it is to stay silent

When someone expects you to be enraged from them.

And how beautiful it is to laugh

When someone thinks you are going to shed tears. 

 - source

how pretty!

Little internal victories keeps me happy with myself.

I'm singing my blues...



Big Bang, you win! I've been recently and belatedly hit by a little Korean wave and listening to Kpop more than usual/healthy, but it's always Big Bang that deserves a post on my blog. Ah, so awesome they are. World famous and all too.

And the song is timely too because I was feeling a little blue tonight. But then, awesomely, comfort comes from a random message from Jean who I haven't heard from in a while. And all we exchanged was how much we missed each other, how we used to share about our difficult times, and how we need to meet and chat. See, how does one not believe in little gifts from heaven like this? (:

---

The whole cosmos is meaning set up in images.

- Arab poet.

But then there's a danger of finding meaning in everything or anything or in random things? Hm.

Had a nice chat with Duck after a long time, it feels. :)


And then I thought again about this prayer:


I seek refuge in You lest I misguide others, or I am misguided by others; lest I cause others to err or I am caused to err; lest I abuse others or be abused; and lest I behave foolishly or meet with the foolishness of others.


Amin.


Cause sometimes, you don't intend for things to happen, but they do. And you need God to protect you from your own silly doings.

One of the hallmarks of a really, really good book: the more you read it, the more you get out of it.


---

Ozymandias
by Percy Bysshe Shelley
I met a traveller from an antique land Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone Stand in the desert . . . Near them, on the sand, Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown, And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command, Tell that its sculptor well those passions read Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things, The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed: And on the pedestal these words appear: 'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!' Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare The lone and level sands stretch far away."

Oh, forgot to mention about the JE-related news that shocked me after the last PBL class this past Friday:

Haha!

It sounded so incredible that I was sure it couldn't be the infamous Jin, but oh my god, it is. And yes, isn't he supposed to be cavorting around in the US, working on his American accent? When did he have the time to end up with a shotgun wedding situation??? And Meisa -- whaat. -.- I thought the girl had some sense.

Does this sound like a fanfic situation or what. Haha, the fodder this offers!

Botttomline, all I care is that Pi better not be walking down this same road. Jin has been known to influence Pi in the worst ways.

I keep rooting for my OTP and this happens to their respective friends instead! oh, funny world.

I don't usually watch Glee, much less gush over it, but -- This is too cute! They attempted to follow the original to a T! Grease was a staple in my teen years too; years ago, my parents insisted it was the high school movie of their generation and made my siblings and I watch, haha.



I think Sam imitated John Travolta hilariously well. :D

The original:



:DDD Thank god it's recess and I can do things like this.

---

And one of my favourite funny clips! I love Brit humour.

I thought I was the only one who gaped at the moon tonight. But I see a lot of people mentioning it on facebook. I was already through the door of my house earlier, and turned around to lock the gate, but then the gorgeous full moon stared back at me. I went back out of the house to stare at it for a while.

:) Masha Allah. Beautiful month, beautiful moon.

Also, a great day! Yokata, my presentation is done.

From the CNY week a while back:

We went to the Singapore Philatelic Museum (because apparently it's one of the few left to be covered by our visiting classmate haha) and then walked up the slope on that nice rainy afternoon, toward Fort Canning Hill, and of course we passed by the ROM. This picture is hilarious. So in character ah, Mini.

And then, after our little trek at Fort Canning, and complaining about how we should be with a date rather than each other and how we got freaked out over a pair of black balloons floating eerily across a quiet courtyard, we set off for dinner at the other Datin's place and had Indian rojak and roti john. And watched some old episodes of Big Bang Theory.

Now it's all, busy busy. -.- Research presentations tomorrow.

Though I managed to organise some of my tudung on this new hanger I bought:

Pretty colours. :) And I probably need at least another 4 of these to cover my whole collection. Yikes.

And I shall sign off my break now. Tiredzzzzz, but work calls. Ja.

I miss you, my friends.

“Say, ‘In the Bounty of Allah and in His Mercy, let them rejoice therein.’ That is better than what they amass.” | Qurʾān 10:58

Indeed, sometimes silence holds within it the essence of eloquence,

And often speech merely fodder for the faultfinder.

Lovely stuff. Happy Maulid Ur-Rasul! 

Singapore should have more holidays. Today should have been one, and tomorrow too. Our spiritual beliefs should take precedence, right. Sad rat race we live in.

---

I am prone to feeling silly about myself, and I hate the feeling. Oh, to not fear ridicule. And go wheresoever with clarity and conviction.

Hmmmmmmmmm.

Is there a real you?

This man says, not really.



I've always talked about and wondered when it is that the 'you' now is no longer the 'you' then or the 'you' of the past. I always say it takes about a span of two years, haha. Because it's often that I look on a blog entry from two years back and cannot entirely recognise the state of mind I was in. And yet, strangely enough, if what is proposed in this talk contains some truth, what happened then resulted in the me now.

Also, if a lot of what we are is this process of development, is this blog, possibly, one of the greatest representations of my self?

:O

wow wow wow. ahahah.

I should shut up, and go do something productive instead of mulling over hypotheticals.

I finished Terry Goodkind's first volume in the Sword of Truth series, Wizard's First Rule, and it's been good so far. More so than I expected! It wasn't his style that got me, but the conceptualizations of love, hate and anger and how magic has been built upon such human emotions. There are very, very twisted ideas in it too, and gory like no other thing I've read, I think. (Entrails spewing all over the ground, and potions consisting of hearts, brains and other unmentionable organs.) But strangely, I don't think it's off-putting. It just makes the whole thing more... real; the horrors are deliberately being thrown into the reader's face to emphasize how villainous the villain is. And then one starts to get angry the way the protagonist, Richard Rahl, gets angry at everything. No surprise, the book succeeds in many parts where the television production fails.

I thought this bit about how confession feels like is fascinating. Confession is the power of enslaving someone by touch, and it basically exploits the emotion of love in someone until it consumes them entirely.

Pain. I remember the pain. It was exquisite, beyond anything you could imagine. The first thing I remember after the pain is fear. Overpowering fear I might be breathing wrong, and it would somehow displease her. I almost died from fear that I would displease her. And then when she told me what she wanted to know, it was a flush of the greatest joy I had ever known. Joy, because then I knew what I could do to please her. I was overjoyed that she had made a request of me, that there was something I could do to satisfy her, and make her happy. Nothing else was in my mind, only to please her. To be in her presence was beyond bliss. The pleasure of being in her presence made me cry with elation.


I like this confession scene! Kahlan <3.

You know, you think you're a freak until you meet another freak, and realise there's a whole world of freaks, and it's actually not that you're a freak, but that you've just been in the wrong place all your life.

(:

What a gift to be created as a human being knocking on the doors of eternity!

This morning, someone at APEX gave his reason for joining APEX: To stay sharp. I want to be a war journalist for Al-Jazeera.

And everybody was like: ?????? What's the connection! Hahahaha.

Tutoring English would help me. 

Seriously, I forget that this can really be fun sometimes.

---

I also finally watched the finale of that Jdrama I mentioned, Watashi ga renai dekinai riyuu.

<3 Ultimately, it's more about friendship and the strange route our lives take, rather than romance. And I love the way it ended! They're happy even when things didn't turn out perfect like the way they wished it could. It was awesome. Jdramas, I swear you win over Kdramas in almost every way. I don't think they're even within the same league to be compared. :P

And Namie Amuro's Love Story as the theme song:



The blue bird of happiness has been in your positive heart all along.

Moments of clarity, why so fleeting.

Those precious times, when suddenly, you see things clearly and you realise you're so happy this moment, in this time, and you feel like whatever is thrown your way is small and trivial and you see the bigger, grander route. Where you're going is clear; the path is bright and certain. But then, you turn your attention, answer a call or get diverted by a television screen, and it's gone.

Until hopefully the next precious moment of clarity.

They say problems as big as mountains will feel light as a feather's touch.

I can't remember who said this, but:

It may be that those who do most, dream most.

I fully intend to do more this 2012. There's only so much one can go on babbling and not sound empty when one doesn't follow through with action, ne. I simply want to work harder and please God.

Happy 2012 to you!

---

This is an adorable tumblr that ohmygod, actually makes me want to go back to be a teenager again -- like what. How old am I that I actually reminisce so fondly on my teen years.

Not to digress: this is a tumblr involving the HP golden trio answering random questions; cute beyond belief! And it stays close to canon!

Harry, when did you first suspect Ron and Hermione had feelings for each other?

If you had to be in a different House at Hogwarts, which would you choose?

Haha, Gryffindor or death?!?!? Nothing less expected of a Weasley.

I have succumbed!

The new year approaching, which means a new beginning! With new and renewed hopes. Let my steps be guided.

---

This is so beautiful!

My voluble heart speaks with a tongue too sublime for interpretation. It mentions you unremittingly.

from this tumblr

---

Trying to get our research proposal approved by ethics boards is a nightmare - the red tape, seriously! This really puts me off working in any sort of research capacity within the field in my future career. Taking care of nitty gritty matter is not my strength and gets me irritated very quickly; I don't know how people in HR and administration deal with this stuff all the time. Ish, paperwork, why are you such a thorn in my side! 

If you truly want God, you want what He wants. And if you love something, you make much remembrance of it. 

Amen.

Maybe it's just lag time, so patience is the way.

At a moment’s notice you need a moment’s notice because something has changed. God allows us to see what is there after what had been there. We see the smile perhaps, but not the budding smile, and if that smile only buds and then quickly returns to its place of safety we may not see it at all. We see only some scenes in a play of reactions to our words or our pleas or our gestures. Light needs an object to shine on, so it's a shame if the light's not right, you may have missed something to the darkness. Better to not be too sad when someone doesn’t seem to respond exactly how we hope, just imagine something budding in the lag time.

from here.

Why is December always a pile-up of everybody's birthdays together! I think I'll go bankrupt with presents. Not to mention also holiday costs, yikes.

Been working on my granny's big birthday bash photo montage, and I also got a spanking new camera! (The real reason I'm going bankrupt, right, haha.)

Got the Canon Powershot G12 (which I'm sure is pretty common among consumers; I'm quite sure Marli has this same one). I personally think it's awesome because it's the perfect combination of lazy and pro, heheh. There are convenient knobs for one to tinker around with the shutter, aperture and exposure etc (knowledge I should try to brush up on and finally put to real use) but is not a real DSLR because the lens are fixed and not changeable. So you know, I can try to be a pro with my photos without having to deal with the clunkiness and confusing hardware of a DSLR. I don't see myself lugging around big cameras and lenses; I'm just not that disciplined enough. Think I might go borrow a photog book to read up a little, and refresh my old photog juices, if I had any.

---

When one does this video/photo editing stuff, songs get stuck real easy.

I can't smile without you,
Can't smile without you,
Can't laugh, and I can't sing,
I'm finding it hard to do anything.
You know I feel sad when you're sad,
Feel glad when you're glad,
If you only knew, what I'm going through,
I just can't smile without you...

In that case, stay out of love? Not that one has a choice about it, right?

it's all, uh, whoops!

Umar, while we were playing Kalimat (Salman's Muslim version of Taboo): We all fall in...?

The rest of us: Hah???

Love.

Which earned him lots of teasing after that, hahaha.

December holidays!

But I have so many things going on, and despite a small social circle, so many people to meet up with, that for certain, this month will fly by like nobody's business, and then 2012 will roll around. The horror of another year passing by, haha. But I was chatting with Mini the other day, and looking back on 2011, I think quite a bit has changed. For one thing, I'm halfway to becoming a proper speech language therapist! Insya Allah.

I have caught up a bit with the movie and tv watching, and right now, this:

Watashi ga Renai Dekinai Riyuu (The reason I can't find my love)

What is this scarily realistic movie about single ladies! It reminds me of Freeter, Ie wo Kau!, Nino's drama earlier this year, which was so realistic with regard to unemployment in young adults today. And now this -- of course, I can relate, haha. It's enjoyable and fun and explores lots into the complexities of the lives of young modern women. A bunch of single ladies decide to room together, figuring it would be advantageous in many ways, and end up trashing out about love and helping each other out with single-dom. I'm liking it so far, although some truths will be thrown out that stab me painfully in the heart, ahakz.

A silly notion (from the drama) about calculating the "time" of your life on a 24-hour clock: just take your age and divide it by 3. It's 8AM for me; morning still. Ohayou, life! Ganbarimasu.

Wah, awesome summary on the subject matter of calling on the Prophet. :)



I remember when I was at Irsyad last year, I overheard a couple of teachers arguing about how ridiculous it was that people thought they were addressing the Prophet in prayer. But it's true what! "Assalamualaika, ayuhan Nabi...", with the littlest Arabic knowledge, obviously shows you addressing him. And you can't address someone's who's dead, can you? I don't recall what they had a contention with specifically, but I remember feeling sad at that point.

Meikyuu Love Song!



Started watching Sho's Nazotoki wa Dinner no Ato de, and finally listened to this song and its meaning, and I love it. Arashi's songs are always kinda like that; they're not usually awesome at first listen, but after some time, when I bother to look up the pv and the lyrics, I realise the meaning is so sweet. <3

Haha! But see, if life wasn't confusing and a struggle, it wouldn't be worth it. We'd just be bored, maybe.

Sorry lah, I shy! :\

I want to watch this! Been looking around for it for some time now. It's about the famous lady scientist with Asperger's called Temple Grandin, who made her place in the world, despite being put down all her life because of her condition.

Claire Danes's acting looks amazing here. In this clip she tries to explain to parents why ASD kids love to roll around or repeatedly engage in mechanical motions. I think this movie will make me cry buckets, judging from this single clip.

Trying a new look for my blog! Something a bit brighter. And the photo was taken last year from Isle of Skye, Scotland; it totally looks like one of those places where Highlander would stick his sword into the ground and stare off into the distance.

haha! I remember when they had Highlander on tv.

On other things: semester wrapping to a close soon, once oral vivas are done and case presentations too. :s This has been one of the longest and most tiring uni semesters I've ever had. Or maybe I forgot how crazy it was when I was rushing FYP. Don't know anymore; memory is hazy. 

I was going to be a little emo here, but then... usually, I look back on emo posts and cringe. Some nights, heart feels extra heavy. 

Why am I such a girl, eee! -.- ok, goodnight.

People love feeling special but they don't love that much being different. It's strange. When actually, it's one and the same, no? Emerson said, "How wonderful, and how painful, to be an exception."

Two more weeks! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

This is interesting stuff! It reminds me of a quote I posted not long ago:


If you cannot make distinction between what is beautiful and what is not, then you are missing an instrument of the self. 



You know that feeling that you get when you see beauty? The real kind that kind of awes you deep inside. And you don't know why you think it's beautiful; it just is. There is a connection between beauty and the sacred, quite clearly. And what this documentary is saying is that modern art seems to have lost this idea.

Very true, from what little I know of modern art. I am reminded of the time me and Eunice wandered around the Museum of Modern Art in San Francisco and we were alternately scoffing and laughing our asses off at what was passing off as art. I remember an exhibit consisting of a single long fluorescent bulb on a wall, and Eunice standing next to it with an incredulous face, mouth hanging open in disgust. Haha, we were like, "How on earth are these random ugly stuff considered art?!?!?!"

Yes, friend, I hear you. This is me and I know this excuse is getting old, haha. I was just vowing to make a list of personal goals for next placement and on the top is: To be efficient.

I think I need tips from my genius friend, Duck.

Hearts incline to those who do good to them.

"Rasulullah is the chlorophyll of our souls."

- Hamza Yusuf

This analogy is too cute!

I believe there is a natural gravitation to certain things. You spend your life wandering and then you realise you keep coming back to the same things. That maybe, this is proof that things have been written since the beginning. It's that feeling... deep down, in perhaps a subconscious manner, you know what and how things should be. It's either you want to face it or ignore it. It's that pull that tugs at your heart and brings you places.

I know how airy-fairy I sound at times... but. How else can I explain it, I don't know. And sometimes, maybe even words are too cheap to give life to grand things.

---



<3 Not many people in this world today I look up to like this.

Had a great day! Did several things right and I think I pleased my CE because I did up my own personal format for OME (i.e. oromotor exam), incorporating bits from everywhere. And as I was working on one of my adorable 8 kiddies (one of my faves! he vocalizes cutely at everything), and finally feeling like I'm in my element on the 5th try with the OME, my CE peeked in and gave a somewhat-approving look and smile. And after that we had a good discussion and I was the last to leave the office! Record, yo. Nice accomplished feeling after being all fail on Monday.

Anyway, tonight I ended up watching Daniel Radcliffe on Inside the Actor's Studio -- and he says he has a mild form of dyspraxia! Interesting... This explains a little; I always thought he was a bit awkward with his limbs and is a bit ungainly in his walk. And am I imagining it if I say that he has strange but subtle groping actions with his mouth and face in general? Haha. It might just be me being way off after a day cracking my head about apraxia versus articulation and phonology issues.

Aside from not being entirely the amazing Harry in my head, I think Radcliffe isn't too bad.



---

Walked home to this song, feeling happy, thankful and hopeful.



Looking up at the midnight sky not knowing
Shivering Swaying to the nightmare of not knowing
Other than that I don't know what to do
Can't fall asleep because of this anxiety
Calling faintly to you
Everyday crying good bye tears
Your heart and soul is in it, feel it
Make tomorrow different from yesterday
Make a brighter day