No, not now = Yes, but not yet

Have I mentioned how much I love PBL (i.e. Problem-Based Learning)? I may have alluded to it, or implied that it was fun. But I have to say it clearly: it is the safest, most enjoyable, and most conducive learning environment I have ever had the privilege to be part of.

Essentially, what we do is, a group of 10 of us, sit around a table and discuss a case. There is stimulus information (e.g. worksheets with details about a client) provided by the faculty and each session is usually accompanied by an external supervisor who stands by the periphery to watch and just kinda steers us back if we're veering a bit too off course. As a rule, they aren't supposed to talk much at all. Ultimately, on a given morning, we students kind of figure it out for ourselves. They throw problems at us, and then say, "Here, figure it out!"

I think it may come across as an exaggeration to say that the whole process is fun, but how else can I say it? We come up with ideas, share it with each other, respectfully criticize each other, occasionally laugh at our cluelessness and dig up information together. It is awesome. I wish every school experience I had based itself on PBL. It empowers the individual, encourages independence in learning and builds cooperation and collaboration amongst peers.

Ah, peers. An appropriate disclaimer here would be the fact that I think I have exceptional classmates who are all awesome and supportive and fun. And that, I suppose, is one of the major factors for fulfilling PBL sessions. It might not work with young students or persons with no desire for teamwork. When everybody treats everyone else with respect, or better yet, like a friend, it can only create a relaxed atmosphere. Honestly, our sessions can get so funny at times.

Today, we discussed whether we should allow a boy with ASD to join a CC robotics group: after nitpicking each other's arguments, we came up with two answers which we laughed over, because it was essentially the same thing -- "No, not now" and "Yes, but not yet". Ah well, it's not so funny now, but it was funny as frak to me this morning.

We only have four weeks left and all of this will come to an end -- it saddens me. I want my classmates now to be my future colleagues, can?



And how is it that 30 nights have passed by without my feeling like I've done anything? I feel weepy tonight.

ASD is such a fascinating condition. Only slightly more than a year ago, I had some reservations about working with these children; they're aloof, distant and very difficult. (During my first placement, I was on eggshells every time I saw this ASD kid; he looked ready to burst into tears at the slightest provocation!) Less worrisome to work with the other kids, right? Children with Down's for instance, are so warm and adorable, and hug you for no reason.

But now, I feel quite the opposite. I'd be quite psyched to be assigned an ASD kid! Yes, I do think ASD is still something complex and difficult, but my gosh, so interesting.

This morning, a guest lecturer told us of a 7-year-old boy who, in the space of about 15 minutes and while his mum chatted to the therapist, filled an entire whiteboard (a'la John Nash in Beautiful Mind) with the anatomy of the brain, accompanied with chemical equations and scientific labels. His favourite hobby was to read the Encyclopedia Britannica.

This brilliant boy however declared, "I don't need any friends, I don't need my family, I don't need anybody." And then later said, "The person who invented friendship must have been very intelligent." Underlining the fact, that really, the social world is something incomprehensible to their intellect.

Sheldon Cooper is so real, y'all. And so is Mr Spock, perhaps, haha.

oops, I've fallen for another drama

Apparently, I don't learn.

Been quietly following the Kdrama, Gaksital. I have no coherent words as to how awesome it is. It's about 8 episodes to the end now and it still hasn't disappointed, and has delivered one awesome episode after another.

I have now completely confirmed my weakness for tortured heroes (as if it was ever in doubt?). All the K-dramas I consider good and are in my favourites list (i.e. Iljimae, Princess Man, City Hunter and now, Gaksital) involve a hero tortured to the edge of sanity and then becoming a masked vigilante to avenge against a corrupted government. Ah, I'm so predictable. But really, if Kdrama has a talent, it's torturing their characters. Also, the female lead is usually equally awesome and physically involved in the conspiracy in some way.

I actually started live-blogging while watching because it's that good. I was barely able to contain my fan squeeing. Gaksital is not only possibly becoming my favourite K-drama ever, but really one of my favourite heroes of all time, outside the K-drama sphere. I'll probably dedicate a separate post to the reasons for why and how Gaksital wins -- additionally, I will try to be as objective as possible -- when the whole drama wraps up. I have a feeling this might be one of those things I'll physically force on my friends to watch.




In the meantime, enjoy a SPOILER-filled MV of the OTP (of course there's one! a hero always gets one):

Also, there are gorgeous, gorgeous shots. And people are raving about this incredibly moving scene. Seriously this drama is so nuanced at times, it makes me gasp in awe.

I'm really, really, really, hoping that the ending meets the standard of the drama so far.

O Allah! I ask that You give me from Your Presence such mercy that with it You will guide my heart, regulate my affairs, and put order into my disorder. And that You will fill me with perfect faith, and bestow on my outer, good deeds, and You will render my deeds pure and sincere, and inspire me with a suitable way to gain Your Pleasure, and give us friends that will be familiar to me and protect me from all manner of evil.

O Allah! Even though my understanding is limited and my deeds are few, I bring to Your Door my (worldly and otherworldly needs) and ask that You meet them. I am in need of Your Mercy, and I present my state to You.

Power of fasting! 

I think I like these two (i.e. Sungha Jung and Megan Lee) all the more because they're obviously Big Bang fans. Sungha Jung even mentioned on a television interview that he looks up to G-Dragon as a composer/songwriter.

And Monster is really nice! It's quite noisy at first, if you're not into loud jarring music, but underneath that, there's a beautiful, sad melody. Personally, aside from a few of Big Bang's very early songs in their first albums or so, I can't say I find any of their songs boring. Yes, I know - my bias. I've been blinded by love and now lost all objectivity.

Sungha Jung's cover of Monster with Megan Lee:




And the original! (I love TOP's voiceovers, seriously. @.@)



---

Also recently finished a novel called The Little Women Letters by Gabrielle Donnelly, based on the much-loved Louisa M. Alcott's original Little Women: a descendant of the March sisters discovers letter correspondences between Jo, Meg and Amy in her house attic, and learns about love, life and family.

It's lovely domestic and optimistic fluff (and so unlike my normal inclinations for melodrama of epic proportions, it's refreshing). It left me grateful for knowing some awesome women in my life too.


Concord, October 1872


Dearest Bethie,


This is the last time I shall write to you from this home where we all once shared so much laughter and so many dreams, where I grew from a wild girl to a happy woman, where Meg was courted by John, and Amy made her mud pies and fretted about her nose, and you were our angel and still are. Dear, tonight my Professor returned from the West, and tomorrow, all in a day, I am to marry him, and move to Plumfield to start the school!


...


I think I shan't write to you again, Bethie. I'm leaving this home where for so long I have lived so quietly with mother and father and your memory, and going to a different place, to start a busy new life whose activities will leave me little time for writing letters to you. But don't think, dearie, that I've forgotten you or ever will, even for an hour. Death cannot part us, for our love can never die, and nor can my changing home, for I feel your presence always watching over me, and wherever I go, I know you are there. Dear, such an adventure as I am embarking on in my life with Fritz! But please know that, no matter what happens to me from now on, no matter what joys or sorrows befall, no matter where my life takes me, or how many years of it may be given to me to live, I will take you with me, in my heart, always.


With love, dearest Bethie, from
Jo.


And this from the 1994 movie adaptation with the star-studded cast (I don't know why I don't have this movie in DVD already; I should): where Laurie proposed to Jo, only to be horrifyingly friend-zoned. The first time I watched this, I remember thinking, "God, Jo! You can't reject Christian Bale!!!!!" And besides, he's going to be Batman! Except well, even I didn't know that before, haha.

I am a fan of this intelligent, eloquent, big-hearted, passionate and gorgeous lady, Myriam Francois Cerrah, whose blog now sits on my favourites bar. Hurray for inspiring women as role models.






---

Unrelated but, I noticed the date -- Happy Birthday, Harry Potter! Hah. :D I believe he's supposed to be 32 years old today?

I have been imbued with some strange positive vibe tonight, despite the fact that my first thesis draft is due in a few days and I am of course nowhere near done. I'm not complaining; just hoping this lasts.

It would be awesome if this blessed month reflected on my academic work.

Hate no one, no matter how much they've wronged you.
Live humbly, no matter how wealthy you've become.
Think positively, no matter how hard life is.
Give much, even if you've been given little.
Keep in touch, with the ones who have forgotten you, and
Do not stop praying for the best for those you love.

- Sayidina Ali B. Abi Talib r.a.

I picked this book up at NLB yesterday.

It highlights what seems intuitive to a lot of us: that promiscuity and unusual or different (read: perverted and unnatural) sexual behaviour is bad; but this doctor proves that it's medically so. Because liberal persons and groups will just scoff at you if you speak of anything to do with morality and God forbid, religion, they need a doctor to show them some hard facts. This is a brave lady who seems to really care abut the welfare and health of young people, especially young women, her personal ideologies and beliefs aside (I don't even know what these are).

It's a compelling view: that promiscuity isn't condemned as much as drug use, alcohol, or smoking when it appears equally dangerous. It's not even a moral stance, people! It's about your health! But people and institutions of authority are pretending these facts don't exist and celebrate Hollywood-style sexual liberation-ism, because, Grossman opined, they are pushing a political/social agenda (or in my opinion, they insist on being Godless and self-destructive, come what may). 

Alhamdulillah, all of the above is forbidden in Islam. Seriously, women, trust God to protect you, not misleading feminists.

Ramadhan Mubarak! Time must be especially managed and spent wisely now.

Insya Allah, we will all see him after this world. :')

This is an awesomely succinct summary of why the niqab shouldn't be banned! :) I'm not a fan of it either, and a Muslim woman I am too (for I believe that all that is stipulated by God is everything covered but the face and hands) -- but ultimately, niqab is a choice that harms no one. And in my personal view, is just an excuse to attack my faith as a whole.



This dude has this perpetual, exasperated I-can't-believe-I-even-have-to-explain-such-a-simple-thing expression on his face; so amusing.

No matter where God planted you it is your task to expose yourself to the light.

:)

from Why the trees lean in

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.

- Desiderate the Desired Things

Our first proper meet-up for the year! I thought it deserved a special post.

Who knows when we'll meet up next. :P

Thought for the day:

God is Kind, but God is also Wise.


Happy Nisfu Syaaban. <3

"I missed you," I said, pulling Dov down to sit next to me on the edge of the bed. I wanted so much to take his hand into mine, to kiss his cheek, to hug him and hold him. Instead I just stared at the tangle of uncombed hair at the back of his head, I wished he would look at me, but I knew he couldn't. Not when he was like this. Just sitting beside me without shrieking, for this precious moment, was the greatest gift Dov could give me. I knew it took every ounce of his energy and concentration to do it. "I love you," I said quietly, getting up as slowly as I could.


"How about some pajamas?" I asked, rummaging through his dresser drawers. I tried to help him put them on but whenever I touched him he doubled over, laughing hysterically. He could not stop. "Was everything okay while I was away?" I asked, trying to ignore his behaviour and my despair. "C'mon, let's get these on." I was on the verge of tears. Dov couldn't stop laughing; he laughed until he was screaming.


Then suddenly, just as inexplicably, he began sobbing uncontrollably, a deep, mournful, despairing kind of crying. Huge tears rolled down his cheeks. I stared at him in utter grief, unable to know what was going on in his mind and heart. Finally, I just hugged him tightly, locking my arms around him and rocking us both, brushing away my owns tears on my sleeve.


I didn't really believe in praying. But that didn't stop me from doing it. In fact, I prayed all the time. And not just for Dov but for all the children in the world who suffered from autism. They all deserved a miracle.


But I wanted a modern miracle. The old-fashioned miracle where one person at a time was saved just wasn't acceptable anymore. No, modern miracles were much bigger than that: They had to be reproducible; they required clinical trials and publication in peer reviewed journals. Modern miracles were for the masses, not just one individual. That's why we started CAN (Cure Autism Now). What good was a miracle, after all, if it saved only one little boy? No, I never prayed just for Dov -- until now.


I felt defeated, destroyed, inadequate, broken down. I would accept any kind of miracle right now, even the senseless, one-in-a-million, unreproducible kind that cured only one person. I was too devastated to be altruistic any longer. I just wanted God to fix Dov - to save him, to cure him, to help him get better - because this was no way to live.


And then Dov started communicating with an alphabet board, and they discovered he had an intelligent and intact mind beyond their imagining.





Miracles, I was learning, not only brought joy but by their very definition must shatter your world, casting everything you thought you knew to the four winds.

- Strange Son, by Portia Iversen

I am totally going to rave about this book to my classmates. Already started today. It is overwhelming to contemplate the possibility that the low-functioning autistics we've come across actually have complete minds that feel and think like any other. The only reason this isn't in out textbooks, I feel, though I've yet to dig up more on this, is that there is a lack of EBP (i.e. evidence-based practice) and they just haven't distilled the intervention procedure to be scientifically acceptable (and with concrete valid theories etc).

That's the problem with science. It takes itself far too seriously and blinds itself to wondrous possibilities.

VULTURIUS
Halt, who goes there?

TURKEYIUS
It is I. I have observed you now of late
Thou hast the look
Of a depressed bird. 
Share your worries with
A friend that loves you.

VULTURIUS
Oh, Turkeyius.
Vexed I am 
By the words of a matchmaker.
He spoke of turnips and blond hair...

TURKEYIUS
A matchmaker!
Oh worry not, my sister.
He speaks of nothing but lies.
'Open your heart', he tells me
'Love might strikest unknowingly
Like lightning'.
I think it's bullcrap.
Pardon my language.

Poem 8 by Tito Mukhopadhyay (An excerpt from Portia Iversen's Strange Son)

In a place called Somewhere there lived happiness
Somewhere was a place of Paradise
But one day from Nowhere
Came Sorrow from the place called Nowhere
Happiness asked Sorrow to leave
The place called Somewhere
Sorrow went back to Nowhere
And then occupied the hearts of people
Who are kind and compassionate
As they never refused anybody a place to stay
So if you feel the pain
Which a person who lost his mind bears
If your heart aches when you see a tear in someone's eyes
If you are ready to accept such a person and help him
You can be sure
You have sheltered Sorrow in your heart.


This made me cry, and all the more because Tito is severely autistic (i.e. negligible speech, no control over behaviour, arm flapping etc) and who could ever dream such a mind existed under the autistic shell. How can it be true that autistic persons know no empathy and lack theory of mind when this poem exists??? I am boggled.

Have a look at Tito on a documentary. I've yet to finish the book, but I am getting increasingly fascinated.

Danger, danger da yo! especially when I desperately need to be practical and on-task. And likely the reason I always go for epic-level stories.

Many INFPs depend on and come to expect a certain level of emotional intensity. For better or worse, they feel they are not fully alive without a stiff emotional cocktail in hand. They may seek out, even if largely unconsciously, experiences that arouse or intensify feelings of passion or inspiration. They may turn to drugs, relationships, novels, poetry, music, or movies–whatever it takes to jump-start their emotions and achieve their desired level of intensity.When feeling inspired, INFPs may disappear for hours on end, immersing themselves in painting, poetry, music, and the like.

personality junkie

This is too lovely.



And how obvious is it that I'm distracting myself with all of these instead of putting my nose to the grindstone and finishing this dastardly research work?

omg, this is so beautiful, you have to listen. This is a musical prodigy! I see people calling him a guitar ninja on youtube.




If you need something more familiar instead:



O.O This is just so amazing. I'm already contemplating getting his album. And this boy is only what? 16? He looks really young.

---

And this is my favourite variety show right now! <3

This is my current favourite! (Although Haru Haru comes a close second -- I don't ever tire of Haru Haru for some reason.) I've been digging through their previous albums for the less popular tracks as well, and this one got me.



GD, underneath that almost-Gaga-level fashion madness, is an uber-romantic heart, because he's the one who comes up with the story and the music and it's always these tragic, beautiful things. Creativity, idealism and romance do tend to go hand in hand.

My only masterpice is our love tragedy
My heart is an art gallery filled with you


Only the white chair that you sat in
Has your scent on it
You left leaving only a heartless silence
Waiting for you, this little cafe

This is bad translation, I bet. I wish I could understand Korean a bit more, like I do Japanese at least. It's come to the point where I would watch entire Japanese shows unsubbed to watch Big Bang, and it's totally improving my Jap, haha. Right now, I can make out few Korean words but the syntax still evades me.

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay;
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee;
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company;
I gazed - and gazed - but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft on my couch I lie,
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

- William Wordsworth

I was listening to a cute little story about passion:

There was this little sparrow sitting on top of Prophet Sulaiman's (a.s.) place of worship, and he was trying to convince a female sparrow that he was a worthy mate, but she wasn't paying much attention. He said, "You know, if I wanted, I would turn this dome right over on the head of Sulaiman for you." And then, the Prophet who of course knew the language of all creatures overheard him and called him over, and the poor sparrow had to go over, shaking in fear.

The Prophet asked him, while the sparrow's heart beat thunderously in his little breast, "What made you say that ridiculous remark?"

And the sparrow said, "Oh, Prophet of Allah! Don't you know lovers are never taken into account for what they say in the presence of their beloved?"

Smart aleck little sparrow.

They have such crazy theme parks in Japan! Oh godddd, I want to go to Nihon. :( It's been almost 4 years since.

I feel really compelled to read this book.

The Winter of Our Disconnect: 

How Three Totally Wired Teenagers 

(and a Mother Who Slept with Her iPhone) 

Pulled the Plug on Their Technology and Lived to Tell the Tale 

The irony is that in the first place, I know of this book because of social media. There are all these bad addictive things about social media, and we all know it. But there are some really great things too! Like sharing great ideas, and giving support, and raising money, and political opposition, and power to the people etc etc. The answer, I suppose, will always be: moderation. And discussing what moderation is can be a debate all on its own.

Moderation is a relative concept, isn't it? What's moderate to you, might not be moderate to me. My sis and I were having a somewhat deep discussion just last night: someone might think going to a rock concert is not immoral, but someone else might think it is. One of my classmates was telling me about how her used-to-be-fashionable tudung friend totally started wearing drabber clothes because her Tarim-graduate fiance opposed the ostentatiousness; it wasn't like she wasn't covering up, she was just being all runwayproject about it. And here we are, buying colourful scarves by the dozen. There are really a lot of layers and variations to this. Ultimately, we all know that intentions and the heart are what matter, and it is down to the individual. So it's a case of tepuk dada, tanya niat, and if you feel your heart is pure while you're jumping in a moshpit to Lady Gaga's music, then by all means? (An aside: Recently, Gaga decided to put a cage of roaches on her head or something? O.O Please stop trying to pass stupidity as art; this is really pushing it.)

With something less extreme than a moshpit with Lady Gaga's controversially satanic music, like facebook or twitter, moderation is even more ambiguous, right? While it's not difficult to think that your intentions aren't pure if you're playing around in a foam party, it's not that easy to judge your intentions as you scroll down your news feed or tweeting. And then you start to wonder, those clarity-moments perhaps, What the heck am I doing here??? And is it just better if I disconnect completely, or am I being extreme?

At this point, I'd say it's extreme to just suddenly up and disconnect; all those friends I have :( and connections, and nice quotes, and great books. But if you're on the path of struggle and purification (on which we all technically should be!), maybe it is the right thing to do. Tepuk dada.

I tried to hold out against this. But I can't anymore, so I confess -- I love Big Bang to pieces now. And I know I'm starting to annoy my sis with my sudden spurt of love and obsession. I can't believe just how so so so awesome they are. A boy band that is actually really talented. For a long time, I've always thought they were different and their songs tended to be amazing (I have posted sporadically about them over the past few years, haven't I?); but I held out against the Kpop wave and all, you know, because more often these K-artists are just shiny veneers. But THIS; these five guys who are each so freaking talented and then they actually combine forces to work at something so unique and addictive. I never thought there'd come a day I'd appreciate rap, but my god, when it's love, there's no explanation.

I mean, I still love Arashi and all, but you'd never hear me bragging what great musicians they are. Haha, JW and I even joked that we've kind of put aside the music - acknowledging that the music is not the point - because the boys are just so entertaining.

Big Bang is a different league and story. They have made me appreciate this music of theirs that I am now so insanely addicted to, I worry for my health and iman. But really though, excellence in any field is always a sight to behold.



And here's GD, my favourite of the lot because he's the creative genius behind the music. He's so surprisingly normal and endearing in person compared to his intense persona when he's doing his music, I melt. There's a fascinating gap between his performing self and his real self. Here he talks about how he usually writes music (the show asks guests to come and show off their talents as part of the programme, it's a bit nutty):

research woes.

It's not an easy thing to work on something with a linguist, a clinician and a research professor all at the same time! They're saying quite different things and as a result my brain feels like it's being torn at least three ways. And what makes all of this extra difficult is because the time we're given is insanely little -- and I am especially miffed when I am rushed to come up with beautiful theses and writing. I have lamented numerous times that creativity and deep reflection and thought requires time, frak it, not deadlines!

On an upside, Prof L as much said that I could write well; I should apparently make use of it to angle my thesis so that the data becomes meaningful. And I do agree with her that everything about this research has been subpar because of essentially the lack of time (and lack of good instruction!), and I just haven't had the luxury to really mull over this thoroughly. The word I hear is that our batch has been dubbed the whiny ones, but seriously -- how is it humane that since the start of the year, we have had consecutive weeks of lectures followed by exams followed by placement followed by vivas and interviews, and on top of that we have to juggle this crazy frak of a research topic that we pluck out of thin air because sorry, we're forced to?

This is supposed to be our four week break, okay. And when Prof L asked what's the program right now for us, I said, "It's our supposed break now." She quickly picked up on the "supposed" and we had a laugh over it. It's been crazy, and actually sad because this course has not turned out very good for some of my classmates; but dear God, let us all emerge from this together as determined therapists who will do great nonetheless.

Tomorrow I'll have to return to my research work, but tonight, I am so happpeeeee. (:

The Batam class trip was fun fun fun, and a great success.

And then I got this message tonight! The cherry atop my A&W waffle ice-cream (haha!).

I am on such a general high tonight, I keep wanting to dance. To Big Bang and 2NE1's old Lollipop song.

----------

Ahhhh, some of the best stuff from Nobuta all in one place! <3 I love my first dramas (i.e. the ones that sucked me into fandom) so much.

I was looking for stuff to put into my phone and came across this. And the subs are awesome! I think I need to download fansubs because I didn't ever know that the first scene of Shuji and Akira together, crazy Akira was talking about Nietszche???







And... Am off for a class trip tomorrow! Yays, a little break for us STs.

A moo point.

The phrase "the guy who got a girl after Sheldon Cooper" will probably be a classic. Haha, poor Raj!



Also, my sis downloaded the Whip iPhone app as used by Leonard here, and it is hilariously fun.

Yummmmmm, gorgeous bookstores around the world!

This one's in Paris, France.

I would totally plan a round-the-world holiday to visit awesome bookstores around the world! If I had $$$$ and my mum wasn't such a traditionalist.

For those terrible moments of confusion, loneliness, fear and sadness:

It's true isn't it: God tests your patience to see if you're deserving of the reward. So ask for patience and await eagerly for the unimaginable love and bounty awaiting you. I feel this truth finally became clear to me tonight. Masha Allah.

“When somebody spills tea on your carpet, don’t be like ‘Do you know how much that cost me? Look at what you just did’, you should be like ‘Oh, no-no-no don’t worry about it, I love tea on my carpet.” (Shaykh Hamza Yusuf)

cutesy tumblr!

Finished our oral vivas today, and while we were stuck in the holding room, we played old games like heart attack and polar bear! Nostalgic, and so so fun. Oh man, Mini is right. It will be depressing to leave this class.

---

SPOILERS!

On the drama front:

Still watching Love Rain, though my infatuation has waned a little. I also have to confess that JGS's  prettiness probably has got something to do with my sustained viewing, oops. The plot has started to go a little bit in circles, and there are predictable character moves as well. Also, I'd learnt that step-siblings are totally halal for marriage in the purview of Islam (because really, no blood relation whatsoever) and that made me a bit tired of the elaborate melodrama and pain -- because I kept thinking: OMG BOTH YOU COUPLES JUST GET MARRIED ALREADY! It's okay and totally halal, get over it. 

Yesterday, finally sat down to watch the first episode of Papadoru! and omg, it is insane. Jdrama crack, I have missed you? The drama is basically about an entertainer/idol playing HIMSELF (i.e. Ryo as Ryo, godddd) and he falls in love and marries a widow with kids, to the chagrin and horror of the rest of the industry and country. It's as real as you can get with a drama -- cause Ryo is still part of Kanjani and he is still part of Johnny's and Associates, and gah, Arashi and OTHER JE stars feature. I mean, I would watch the drama just for that even if the plot goes to hell.

Basically, I have theorised that they've made this drama to do one or both of two things:

1) To make people think kinder of the recent what-Jin-got-married-when bombshell

2) To pull fans back to JE and counter the super-power-korean wave

And this adorable little girl is to die for. I didn't want to spoil Duckie for this but I couldn't help it. XD Almost died from the laughing/shrieking.

I can't quite decide if I like this story - One Day by David Nicholls.

 But I'd say it still works better as a book.

There's something about this bit that makes me want to keep it:


"And they did have fun, though it was of a different kind now. All that yearning and anguish and passion had been replaced by a steady pulse of pleasure and satisfaction and occasional irritation, and this seemed to be a happy exchange; if there had been moments in her life when she had been more elated, there had never been a time when things had been more constant.


Sometimes, she thought, she missed the intensity, not just of their romance, but of the early days of their friendship. She remembered writing ten-page letters late into the night; insane, passionate things full of dopey sentiment and barely hidden meanings, exclamation marks and underlining. For a while she had written daily postcards too, on top of the hour-long phonecalls just before bed. That time in the flat in Dalston when they had stayed up talking and listening to records, only stopping when the sun began to rise, or at his parents' house, swimming in the river on New Year's Day, or that afternoon drinking absinthe in the secret bar in Chinatown; all of these moments and more were recorded and stored in notebooks and letters and wads of photographs, endless photographs. There was a time, it must have been in the early nineties, when they were barely able to pass a photo-booth without cramming inside it, because they had yet to take each other's permanent presence for granted.


But to just look at someone, to just sit and look and talk and then realise that it's morning? Who had the time or inclination or energy these days to stay up talking all night? What would you talk about? Property prices? She used to long for those midnight phone-calls; these days if a phone rang late at night it was because there had been an accident, and did they really need more photographs when they knew each other's faces so well, when they had shoeboxes full of that stuff, an archive of nearly twenty years? Who writes long letters in this day and age, and what is there to care so much about?


She sometimes wondered what her twenty-two-year-old self would think of today's Emma Mayhew. Would she consider her self-centred? Compromised? A bourgeois sell-out, with her appetite for home ownership and foreign travel, clothes from Paris and expensive haircuts? Would she find her conventional, with her new surname and hopes for a family life? Maybe, but then the twenty-two-ear-old Emma Morley wasn't such a paragon either: pretentious, petulant, lazy, speechifying, judgmental. Self-pitying, self-righteous, self-important, all the selfs except self-confident, the quality that she had always needed the most.


No, this, she felt, was real life and if she wasn't as curious or passionate as she once had been, that was only to be expected. It would be inappropriate, undignified, at thirty-eight, to conduct friendships or love affairs with the ardour and intensity of a twenty-two-year-old. Falling in love like that? Writing poetry, crying at pop songs? Dragging people into photo booths, taking a whole day to make a compilation tape, asking people if they wanted to share your bed, just for company? If you quoted Bob Dylan or T.S. Eliot or, God forbid, Brecht at someone these days they would smile politely and step quietly backwards, and who would blame them? Ridiculous, at thirty-eight, to expect a song or book or film to change your life. No, everything had evened out and settled down and life was lived against a general background hum of comfort, satisfaction and familiarity. There would be no more of those nerve-jangling highs and lows. The friends they had now would be the friends they had in five, ten, twenty years' time. They expected to get neither dramatically richer nor poorer; they expected to stay healthy for a while yet. Caught in the middle; middle class, middle-aged; happy in that they were not over happy.


Finally, she loved someone and felt fairly confident that she was loved in return. If someone asked Emma, as they sometimes did at parties, how she and her husband had met, she told them:


'We grew up together.'"

I've been recalling this poem lately:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- e. e. cummings

This week, this is true, haha!

"Happiness consists in getting enough sleep. Just that, nothing more." - Robert A. Heinlein

:'(

I had an emo moment and now it's over. ahah. well. I am human, am I not.

Anyway, I am behind on a lot of work as usual, because I have a crazy family that never rests and I also do an additional number of things myself -- blogging here and being emo included.

But I also went for APEX, okay! This past weekend, after weeks away from Irsyad because of exhaustion and so much stuff to do, I decided I should return to helping the kids, and my god, after that last session, I vowed to keep returning for the remaining 15 sessions. I felt sad and guilty that they'd been kinda neglected with the rapidly-changing mentors who are so busy etc etc. These kids need help, and sincere help too. :( Besides, it's almost a guarantee I won't be doing this anymore next year so I shall give my last hurrah.

And today, I finished up my last bit of data collection i.e. I went over to a kid's house to make him do English composition -- haha, sounds evil, right! I chatted with his mum though and it's conversations with such people that make me feel I'm glad I'm doing this and that I'm striving to be in a position to help people some day, iA. Parents who are looking for assistance and help and are like, what are the gahmen doing! 

I think I still have loads of things I'd like to talk about here but don't anymore -- because, partly, life calls? There's work and being responsible and realistic and adult. What am I saying right, I fangirl all the time -- but fangirling is different and easy; it's surface stuff.

I'm not usually despondent; despite appearances, I do think I'm quite tenacious deep inside (haha, I have never used that word on myself!). I have a great knack of seeing the wonder in everything and anything, though not in the conventional forever-bubbly sort of way people expect, but more in a reflective, contemplative, maybe serene, I'll-get-how-this-sucky-thing-fits-in-some-day attitude.

I don't know where I'm going with this whining post; but it feels a little like my resources for tenacity are being chipped away. It's a little irritating.

!!!!!! omg what!!!! Love Rain Episode 14 is descending to ultra soap opera level. I hate In Ha now!!! Also, seriously, once I'm done with this drama, I will vow to stay away. Until I forget how insane kdramas are and come back for another round of addiction.

On more important real life events: insya Allah, I will complete placement in 5 days! :D yay.

OH OH OH, and according to my sister who quite suddenly worked through Cassandra Clare's City of Bones within a couple of days, said book is being made into a movie production! @.@ There is a strange surreality to this -- because uh, she used to be a fanfiction writer we were all pretty much obsessed about in our teen years, and now she might become a... very, very rich woman with a book-cum-movie franchise a'la Twilight???? I am just imagining future interviews or stg where the Draco Trilogy gets mentioned somewhere. O.o

oh my, my brain needs rest.

Love Rain. This story is building up so prettily. It's accompanying my placement days like a faithful friend. I am afraid they'll not be able to wrap it up nicely though, because as I've witnessed numerous times, the Kdrama weakness lies in the closing. They'll get you so high and addicted with the plot and characters, but then disappoint you with an anticlimactic finish.

Essentially, the story is pitting one beautiful romance against an equally beautiful love: the old couple that has waited years to finally decide to be together, and the young couple who just discovered each other (Jang Geun Suk and Yoona are so cute in this drama, I could not stop grinning at their cutesy parts). How can you make me choose between OTPs, drama writers? :'( So cruel. All OTPs deserve a happy ending, at least in fiction. In fact, that's why we have fiction, no?



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I actually had something else on my mind but then... I don't want to be so incongruous within one entry. My blog should attempt to be neater than my actual thoughts, right?

follow your heart, they say. Which is fine. I can certainly relate. But now I also think, at the same time, don't forget this:

O Turner-over of hearts! Keep my heart firm on Your deen, and in obedience of You, and in the love of Your Prophet.

This week hasn't been particularly good; I need to buck up. Moments when you're disappointed with yourself are the worst. :(


This weekend, we talked about one of the Prophet's many famous sahabahs, called Sayidina Saad bin Abi Waqas. He is most famously known as the man who would forgive everyone who'd ever hurt him and mention them by name in prayer every night, and held no ill will towards anyone. And because of that, though he did nothing much else that made him stand out, he was guaranteed jannah. He was also the one Nabi s.a.w. said whose prayer would always be answered. We then also learnt he was the same man who went over to China to spread Islam, and was known by all to be the best archer. There's apparently his tomb somewhere in China too, as well as a mosque.

How is it that even the relatively less known sahabahs are this awesome?

I wish...


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Not entirely unrelated to the above, this movie is epic epic epic, and I am an epic-junkie, yes. This is archery like nothing else I've seen on screen, and Legolas is an amateur in comparison. Also, it stars my lovely heroine from Princess Man, Moon Chae Won! And she's kick-ass as always; any lady who wields  a sword immediately enters my favourites list.

I watched The Avengers this weekend - the movie to watch this year, probably. It was pretty good stuff, and expectedly entertaining. When I walked out of the theater though, what I thought was, "I really want to watch Sherlock Holmes again!" Because Robert Downey = awesome.

So I finally watched the Graham Norton episode with both Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law (and if you've known me long enough, yes - Jude was totally one of my phases). I love them and their great chemistry. I need to get my hands on the Sherlock Holmes movies again.



Full episode here!

HAHA, what a line:

"the creepiest creep who ever creeped"

I had such a lovely evening, Praise God.

Met up with my classmates to trash out about Mid-Placement Evaluation, and trash out we did. We laughed so hard, I'm sure we chased at least half the stress away. We complained incessantly about how we couldn't feel anything via digital palpation (for swallowing assessment) and we confessed to each other we're just faking our way through half the time. It's hilarious. And all our silly escapades: like banging the poor patient's head against the headboard, spilling tea, milo and hot water while attempting to feed patients, and shining the torch into the patient's mouth only to have the poor guy's head light up like a lantern, because he was sans hard palate, soft palate and also maxilla. It's such a wonderful comfort to know that at least we're all struggling together. Therapists are surely some of the most amazing people in the world? Haha! I think so.

And then, nearer the end of our meal, music came over the system and everyone in the restaurant paused, and THEN! Mini walked out with a cake -- as usual, I was blur and like, "Eh, who? Why?" And then! It sunk in. Ah, so embarrassing. I haven't had a surprise in a while.

Such lovely, lovely people.

hello, weekend! I have missed you. And yes, I understand now how you are best friends with all who slog in the system. (Though technically, being only semi-working, I have stuff to study/work on during the weekend, ugggh.)

This morning I chatted online with a friend for a little -- and her life, gosh, I feel so jealous. I don't feel compelled to elaborate, but basically: that she's close to God, and when you're close to God, miracles happen.

---

SPOILERS!

Let me go back to reviewing The Princess' Man which I fangirl-ed about numerous times previously. Like I said, its ending was a bit problematic for me, but the thing is -- the OTP was unbelievable. And it would have won even if every other element of the story failed (which wasn't the case at all). The pairing was basically the most agonized love story I've ever witnessed in a drama. And I have had my fair share of reading or watching painful stories.

Step aside, Romeo and Juliet; what do you know of being trapped in an ill-fated love. Seung Yu and Se Ryeong went through hell and more; and they're not stupid teenagers who ended up killing themselves! How awesome is that. They're a smart and gorgeous pair of young adults who, because of evil circumstances, had their just-budding love slowly die under the greater forces of politics, family loyalty and personal morals. Off the top of my head, I really can't think of a love in fiction (or otherwise) that's as painful as this.

Okay, Lymond and Philippa are pretty insane too, but I don't know, the situation didn't seem as hellish as that of Seung Yu and Se Ryeong. Lymond was being whiny and all "You don't want me. I am bad for you, a bastard son full of disgrace. I am a hunchback whelped in the gutter." and then Philippa decided to join him in the gutter; but then she's like, "I'm sorry, I've created another problem for us. I can't be with you... as a woman." And poor Lymond's all broody and not complete -- it's a lot of personal melodrama between the two of them. Which can be big issues on its own, don't get me wrong, but it seems petty when compared to the pain that Seung Yu and Se Ryeong faced. Seung Yu basically almost went off the mental edge hating her so hard and loving her so hard at the same time, because he couldn't bear it that her father killed his family. He's also driven by his integrity and need to see justice for all the wrongs. And she's all like, "I understand. So please, I don't mind if I die by your hand. I would die a thousand times if it gives you peace." LIKE SERIOUSLY, bash our hearts to bits, drama, why don't you. And Se Ryeong can't help it if she still loves her evil father, because dang it, you only have one father, no matter how evil! Even if you know your father is wrong, how do you bring yourself to kill him?


Here's the original sound track for the drama with accompanying tragic scenes of this doomed pairing.

It is ridiculous how much I get cheered up by a good drama. I am heavily influenced by my current favourite blogger of course; but seriously, I walk out of work, and I check youtube and when I realise there are english subs, I'm like YES!!! and grinning away in public. How awesome is fandom, huh. It takes only ~ 24 hours to sub an episode.

And the current drama - Love Rain - is proving to be another awesome one (but it's still early, so perhaps I should bite my tongue). It's amazing and deep on so many levels, and it breaks and heals my heart at alternate scenes. *wibble* It's so idyllic and romantic but then it takes this very real turn and makes you think about big questions and life and choices. It's such a smart piece! I'm at your mercy, drama writers.

I walk home (and I sometimes think I can walk the route home blind), and I think and I mull -- and I think that over the years, with some maturity, I finally learnt to love myself. It feels like such a comfort; like resting on something soft and fluffy. There's a security there: that even if others hurt me, at least I won't hurt myself.

Okay, I sound disconnected up there; welcome to my brain.

I'm learning to live life one day at a time. (:

hehe, but taking it one swallow at a time (my brain is on dysphagia overload!) makes me a calm and grateful human; life is far too good to complain.

Rasulullah s.a.w. said, "Whoever is given and he is thankful, when he is oppressed he forgives, and when he oppresses others he seeks forgiveness; inner peace is indeed for them and they are amongst the people who are guided."

God, make me of the ones You love.

Happiness is happiness of the beloved.

Spent the day in Johor with my parents and my uncle's family -- which means I have lots of work to catch up with tmr! :\ I thought it'd be better if I opted out, but then... who deserves your company most? Your mother, your mother, your mother, and then your father, right? Got my mummy settled with more of her iPhone accessories: her screen protector and her cheap-o Kate Spade cover, hahaha. She is now thoroughly obsessed with her new limb i.e. smart phone. At dinner, I was the one watching both of my parents poring over their iPhones while I zonked out and tsk-tsked in disbelief!

Facebook sign in still an evasive task at the moment. And within an hour, I will miss saying happy birthday to my oldest friend in the world. Oh man. !!! I suck.

Also, announcing that I am officially a fangirl of this fangirl, Mousie. She makes me feel like I can totally live a normal life, and even one day get married and have kids, and still be a fangirl!

I recently signed myself out of fb because I was trying to give my mum a tutorial of fb, and then after I was done with all of that, I realised I couldn't sign back in! Because I'd thoroughly forgotten my password! And the retrieval of said forgotten password is made more difficult by the fact that I use my old email for my fb account, which I haven't accessed in a long time either, and I'd forgotten the password for that too! Hopeless I am. So right now, I can't access both my hotmail or facebook, though am in the process of attempting to obtain my hotmail password first, then maybe fb will follow. But maybe you know, this is all a sign, eheh... Goodbye, fb?

Sometimes, I think I couldn't care less. But there are some people I do like keeping in touch with. So let's see how it goes.

I heart the song! Plus the unique storyline -- a 70s tragic love story, that then repeats itself in the future.

After ending work today and finally plodding back to the speech therapy office with my CE, we found the crammed little space that is the ST office crowded as it usually is -- seriously, more than 12 STs in a space perhaps only slightly larger than my bedroom! Then out of the blue, while the various STs were busy wrapping up for the day, someone who had a ukelele out, started playing and singing,

"I'm so tired, tired. Everyday so tired, tired..."

Hahaha! It was so funny! XD Everyone had unconsciously paused at precisely that time amidst the fluttering, so we all heard it -- god, so amusing, and it accurately captured our state at 5.30 pm. It totally made my day.

Somebody should really stop me from this korean drama wave I'm on. Danger, danger da yo!

I finished The Princess's Man, and it now sits in my top favourite kdramas list (together with Iljimae and City Hunter). I had an issue with the ending though - it's a bit of an anticlimax. But the middle was just too great to relegate it to a bad drama list. The chemistry was also pretty insane.

And now, I've started Love Rain, which is currently airing. :\ It really doesn't help that I can find it online relatively easily and also watch it on trains!!! It makes my journeys to work bearable. It has become like my soma (read: Aldous Huxley's Brave New World).

And Love Rain, named after the song a guy writes for a girl he says he doesn't love -- yes, I watch more of twisted, complicated relationships. This guy needs to be slapped upside the head for being a big stupid idiot. Stupid is stupid is STUPID!!!!!!!!! The girl should really throw heavy stuff at him.

I cannot take anymore of idiotic behaviour.

I MUST STOP WATCHING THESE EMO STUFFS. Maybe after placement, I'll get some sanity back.

:( heartbreaking! This drama is killing me. But thank goodness for our lovely heroine. She's always trying to do something to save the situation/her beau. I get a headache looking at how hard she's thinking and how zombified she's becoming without the sleep. I'm wondering how she hasn't gone ballistic yet; I would have taken a knife and started slashing at all the evil people around me, hahaha. Hey, even our hero already had a breakdown okay. Everybody has a limit. And when she finally creeps at night to get a sword, I'm like YES!!!!! Finally! She's going to resort to violence. XD HAHAHA. I couldn't take it anymore. If I were her, I'd say, Abuji, what's the use of me living if my whole family is like this?

Yay, 1 week down. :) And it was way better than I envisioned so far. I also have a language therapy session to plan for next week, and am actually feeling quite psyched for it!

I love Fridays. I hope it's going to become a pattern that the work week ends on a positive note. To commemorate a happy Friday, this I saw recently, hehe:



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On a separate note, I've started on a korean drama. (You know this is going to be a fangirling section!) I've been able to catch it on my phone too while on squeezy train journeys. It's last year's historical period piece called The Princess' Man, and it has hooked me in since the first episode.

It's so heart-wrenching and like, I keep thinking, fate, why you so cruel!!! As is typical of the korean drama containing coincidences and entanglements a'la Bollywood style, a group of young people all related in some way to the workings of the royal governance, start to develop a jagazillion conflicts with each other once they start stepping into the arena of adult reality and politics. When they're young, relationships, friendships and also romances, bud and bloom in innocence and then later it all gets shattered, when politics and adult loyalties creep into their lives. :( I felt like bawling.

I just finished watching this bit, where our hero protagonist tells his best friend: "Don't worry, let's ignore the complicated world of our fathers." And you know it's like the last time they're going to be on the same uncomplicated side before everything falls apart, :'( cause his best friend is already feeling torn inside by his father telling him that they're planning a political move against his best friend's family and they're planning his marriage to the girl his friend secretly loves! Like WHAT THE FRAK! WHY YOU SO EVIL WORLD. Please don't make his best friend evil! I really really like him so far. SO poor thing, and you can tell he thinks the girl is awesome too so how can he help but feel affection for her. And he can't bring himself to tell his best friend anyway, because our hero and heroine who are secretly in love and kept apart by evil fate belong to a Rome and Juliet situation because of their Montague-Capulet level family/political feud. OMG, I have a feeling that if they don't make the best friend evil, they'll make him die at some point! :'(

And yes, the female lead has grown on me; I love her. This always indicates a good sign that a drama will remain lovable for me.

On top of the evil politics, there's a freaking love PENTAGON, I swear. K-dramas usually have at least a rectangle. When really, come on, love can be complicated enough when it's just two people, please; but apparently the korean drama writers don't seem to think it's quite as exciting.

 

I've been feeling like a coiled spring.

My release: I imagine the edge of a cliff. and screaming, Ganbarou! 

The root of contentment is love.

omg, omg, omg! what -- I didn't know they were making this into a movie, not that I was ever a Rurouni Kenshin fan, or anything, but I had heard of it and how awesome it was, and this seems waaay cool and awesome, that I am only short of physically flailing!!!



It stars Takeru Sato, whom I've always had a hard time deciding if I liked or not, but he does seem quite awesome in this trailer. Excitingz! The hairs on my cheek are standing.

Oh I do love heroes with swords, if you didn't already know. And all that sacrifice and death for honour and love.

And yes, I know I have been fangirling -- let me indulge before stress begins again.