Had math. Was only ever so slightly better than chem. Still have transport in mammals and transport in plants to complete for bio tomorrow.

Look at what I found when I was searching for psych-related jobs on the net. A study on how rewards are often not a motivator for a task.

In the laboratory, rats get Rice Krispies. In the classroom the top students get A's, and in the factory or office the best workers get raises. It's an article of faith for most of us that rewards promote better performance.

But a growing body of research suggests that this law is not nearly as ironclad as was once thought. Psychologists have been finding that rewards can lower performance levels, especially when the performance involves creativity.

A related series of studies shows that intrinsic interest in a task - the sense that something is worth doing for its own sake - typically declines when someone is rewarded for doing it. If a reward - money, awards, praise, or winning a contest - comes to be seen as the reason one is engaging in an activity, that activity will be viewed as less enjoyable in its own right.

Turk! This is probably why you find you can't seem to write or you seem to lack inspiration nowadays! Because you're not writing for the sake of writing, you're writing for school. That's also probably why you find writing our stories the easiest. Because we decided to start the story on our own; voluntarily. You're not forced. And writing is definitely a form of creativity.

In a 1982 study, Stanford psychologist Mark L. Lepper showed that any task, no matter how enjoyable it once seemed, would be devalued if it were presented as a means rather than an end. He told a group of preschoolers they could not engage in one activity they liked until they first took part in another. Although they had enjoyed both activities equally, the children came to dislike the task that was a prerequisite for the other.

Which is why telling your child, "If you get A for math, I'll buy you a bike" is not such a good idea. I think if we want our children to get As, tell them the As are not that important, but that they should enjoy learning for what it is. And the As will come naturally, as an unnecessary bonus.

Oh my god. This gives psychological evidence to the well-loved phrase: I was born intelligent. Education ruined me.

Artists must make a living, of course, but Amabile emphasizes that "the negative impact on creativity of working for rewards can be minimized'' by playing down the significance of these rewards and trying not to use them in a controlling way. Creative work, the research suggests, cannot be forced, but only allowed to happen.

Hope that helps a bit.

Now I can see why people start to hate their jobs over time. They no longer work for the joy of it, but work for money. The work becomes a means to an end... and it becomes hated. And performance level drops.

WHICH IS WHY... If I do like psychology, I should do it! Right? Then I'd be learning psychology cause I want to and I won't be doing some popular uni course just for the sake that I get a degree and get a secure job. That's not enough motivation and will increase the likelihood of my not doing well academically.

That study also explains why privately-tutored kids are such geniuses! They're not ruined by the whole grading system.

But now... Regardless of this bit of fascinating revelation of the human mind (Oh, I do think psych's for me!) I have to get off the net, go mug Bio, so I can get good grades. Hah.

Back from chem.

Scarred, traumatised, shocked to bits. As usual. -_-

I feel tired to the bone. If this goes on till Thursday, I'll be... dead tired by then. Mentally exhausted.

Really can't stand all this mugging.

The beginning of one of those nightmare weeks. A week of just counting down to that last exam day. Disgusting. It feels surreal sometimes... like I'm hanging onto a thread, because any wrong move on my part (like ultimately slacking completely) might just snap that thread. And there I go... falling into a pit of failure, and me possibly falling off the edge of sanity.

I went through all my organic chem notes again this morning... And still, the facts seem to slip away. Stay in my brain, damn it!!! And my phy and bio is... unfinished. And my math is largely unpractised.

I hate the way I let myself be controlled by these fears. My life should revolve around more than this.

Meeting Nikki at Bishan MRT at 1.30pm.

Terror is gripping me. I feel like if I don't stay calm, I'll explode into little bits. I hope I don't hyperventilate during the paper. That would be highly amusing if it happened. It'd be all over the news. "Exam paper causes student to hyperventilate". And there'd be all the slamming of the MOE and school stress etc.

Ah sigh.

Shall go now.

Yesterday, like I said, I was going to go out with my sis to meet granny and eat lunch, and then to the library. So I did. Ate lunch at Ya Sallam (which was previously known as Riduan, Malik whatever...) and met two different people we knew. (As soon as a restaurant advertises on Suria, the Malay community flocks to it, I swear.) After that, went to the pawnbroker's and then to the library. Said I would study but... Bah. You know me. INFP - I Never Follow Plans. I didn't even bring along any notes. My sis said she didn't want to stay long and I figured I'd be distracted by the books anyway. Flipped through a couple of books, about Kings and Queens of Scotland, a Britain Travel Guide (I'm still hoping for that after As trip...), a Know-Your-Personality-From-What-You-Eat book and a book about aristocrats from a family of Lennoxes. Apparently, there's an english television series on the Lennox family (the descendants of Matthew and Margaret Lennox). It's quite complicated and intriguing. Wish Singapore would go out of the way a little and buy shows that aren't that heavily publicised and not American.

Anyway, ended up borrowing another book (when I already have numerous unread novels at home) by Philippa Gregory called The Little House. It's not historical fiction. I always assumed earlier that she was strictly an author of that genre. But that book was a psychological thriller. Something that echoes the plot of the movie 'Hush' that starred Jessica Lange and Gwyneth Paltrow. I finished it already. Was completely absorbed. It was about this ongoing unspoken tension between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law. It's scary when you think about how fine the line between sanity and madness truly is. What makes a person crazy, you think? Hm.

I realise I like Philippa Gregory. I don't know if this sounds weird, but I think I can tell if an author is someone I would have easily befriended if I knew her personally. You can tell a lot from how a person writes, I think, and you can sort of imagine the person's character. I think I could have warmed up to Dunnett or Gregory easily... but not so to Rowling. I must sound mad. Maybe it's my overactive imagination as usual.

My youngest cousin, Nurul, and sis in the Osim massage chair that everyone wanted to try. Undeniably super-shiok. :P

My nephew (cousin's son), Adel. He's such a cheeky, hyper kid. He looks so Chinese... cause his mum looks chinese. Hm. Oh, and that's nikki's PG Wodehouse book that I borrowed from her. Haha!

Decisions. We make them everyday. Most trivial things that we decide on are inconsequential (when we go to sleep, to the loo, which book to read, which foot to put forward first etc), but there are those things which truly matter. Sometimes, we're aware of decision-making moments and we put a lot of effort into making the absolutely, perfect right choice (or so we think) and sometimes we're clueless about our life-changing actions until we find the time to pause and reflect. The latter allows for some quiet amusing reflection - like how you make friends for instance. A single 'Hi' could make a life-long friend or a bad first encounter could create lasting enmity.

What's really horrible is the process of making a decision that you know would affect the rest of your life. I've lived for less than two decades and there hasn't been much opportunity for me to make huge choices. I just went with the whole Singapore flow/rat race/train/whateveryouwanttocallit. Study hard from the moment I was thrust into preschool and work for those As, without question. I remember praying so hard in Primary 3, 4, 5 and 6 to be the top in class. My life revolved around attaining the first position (at a certain point, I began to think that each good/bad incident was an omen/indication to my academic results), because I knew it made my parents happy.

Then, when I grew older, I realised that I wanted more than making my parents happy. Yeah, okay, I continued studying... but I think I started to lose focus. Why am I studying like mad? Why should I?

Okay let's see, perhaps most people would think like this? Study hard, get good grades, get good jobs, make good money, get married, have kids, and make the kids study hard so that they'll grow up to make good money as well, and the kids will go on to have their own kids. What is this. A neverending human cycle of stress just to make good money.

Okay fine, I have to be realistic. What was I thinking? Of course people work to make money. Du-uh! Then they can live.

But money does not motivate me.

I wish it were possible to travel all over the world. Surely I can survive. Stop by places, earn a little bit here and there, meet people and eat their food (haha) and then go on travelling. You hear of explorers doing that in the past. They were so lucky. Now, you try to do that... Too many obstacles (immigration and police) and people would think you're a psycho. And besides, there seems to be no place left to explore.

Oh crap it all, why am I rambling.

What am I going to do after my As? That's my big question. It's not that far away. Not far away at all.

What to do.

The things I want don't seem too good for me, so people say.

"... of all the awful things that make you sick to your stomach, nothing feels half as bad as knowing you had a chance to do what you truly love, and you didn't take it." ~ The Meaning of Life, Bradley Trevor Grieve

The what ifs. They haunt the rest of your life, don't they?

2nd day of March hols.

Went for cip stuff yesterday. Was gamemaster for this amazing race thing held by Northwest CDC. It was so bluidy hot. But was quite fun overall.

Realised I ate at macs three times in the past four days. Without intention, mind you! The first time it was with nikki at junction 8. That was fine. I thought that was going to be it for at least a week. Then the next day, after watching ACJC's Madama Butterfly (which was executed superbly in my opinion), me, sis, hussein and said (cousins) waited for my bro to be done with helping and we all ate at tampines mall's macs at around midnight. It was the only eating joint open at that time. Then yesterday during the amazing race, they provided food for us during lunch. It was McDonalds'. -_- Macs is just everywhere in our lives. It's unavoidable.

Later, will be going out for lunch with granny and sis. And then we'll go bedok library. Will study there. I WILL.

Where to get my psych degree (if that's what I really want. I think it is.):

1. NUS (BA) I think I prefer BSc!!! Cause of science background and all... And the fact that I find bio intriguing.

2. University of Cardiff (Psych Dept awarded excellence in teaching. Offers both BA/Bsc, Msc in Educational/Occupational Psych, PhD/MPhil!!!) - LEADING PSYCH DEPT IN UK

3. University of London (Royal Holloway) - Excellence in Teaching, Offers BSc and postgraduate course in Clinical Psych (D. Clin. Psy.)

4. University of Hull - Has seemingly the best offers, even scholarships for international students. And is actively promoting BSc in psychology. Awarded 23/24 pts in teaching quality. Options 2, 3 and 6 scored a full 24. (D. Clin. Psy., Msc Counselling, Msc Occupational Pysch)

5. University of Edinburgh (BA/BSc) Perk: It's Scotland!!! Bah. Reputation?

6. Univerity of Wales, Bangor - 2nd to Cardiff; BA/BSc Psych/Applied Psych, Postgraduate courses: MSc Clinical Neuropsychology, MSc Applied Behaviour Analysis, MSc Psych Research, D. Clin. Psy., PhD!!!

Am going nuts thinking about what to do for university. Medicine, life science, biology or, best of all, psychology. I really want psychology! And I want to study overseas...

Argh.

So many obstacles in life!

It's so important that you just do your own thing - whatever makes you truly happy - and do it as best you can. It doesn't matter whether your 'thing' is making snowballs, holding your breath underwater, hog calling, or wielding a hair dryer with dramatic effect. The only thing that matters is that you feel great about what you're doing. Keep in mind that whatever you do, mistakes are part of life. So don't waste time kicking yourself about the past. Don't stall or stress over whether you're doing the right thing. You'll always know the answer in your heart.

Rather than be discouraged, always remember that rejection and resistance are almost guaranteed when you are doing something very important and very special.

~ The Meaning of Life, Bradley Trevor Grieve

Went for the RG drama Fata Morgana yesterday. Was really... too lengthy. A lot of people were getting restless. I have to say that Midsummer Night's Dream Melayu Punyer was much nicer, and more engaging. But there were good actresses. Humairah was the hantu... and she could act. She was gooood. And there were a lot of screaming. During and after the play. Sort of... missed the screaming. Haha.

Am really quite scared for dwi darma.

Why is it that some people in this world, or should I say most, just strive to be the best, the top, number one? Does it give so much joy to know that one is most successful among one's peers, or the most intelligent in the family, or the big powerful boss? Why, why, why?

Success is not all bad when it is not achieved for its own sake. But when success is the ultimate destination, I feel that the work becomes dishonourable. I'm not sure I'm putting it rightly... But it's like being untrue. For instance, you could desire to become a doctor because you would earn that respectable title of 'Doctor' or you could become one because you honestly think it is your life's call to cure sick people. Either way you still help people. Only the latter person has lived the life he feels he was meant to live. And all the recognition is just an added unnecessary bonus. While the former just gains materially. How does that person get the satisfaction of having lived a life worth living? How do you die happily like that? I don't know... Maybe for some, gaining wealth and fame is their life's purpose.

I think each one of us has the potential to succeed in our paths, provided we choose the path that is best suited to us. I'd rather do something I think I like or am best suited for and not be very successful rather than I do something I don't really like but am extremely successful. (I take success here as meaning achieving wealth and fame.)

Oh, here, I checked it up. Success is the achievement of something desired, planned or attempted.

I fear that I will end up living a life I don't want to live, doing the things I don't want to do because of obligation and fear of disappointment. Then I'd look back on my childhood and feel sorry that my dreams are just dreams and nothing else.

Must take my chances. Carpe diem!

Everything going down the drain again. Work, studies, responsibilities, life. I am so unproactive.

Feel extremely annoyed with world. Again. And especially annoyed with self.

Egyptian boys. They were all trying to sell trinkets and nuts and such. Quite poor things. My dad entertained them. Typical. My dad talks to just about anyone.

I've decided it's time for some photo pasting again. :P So here's more of those random egypt shots. Normally, those architectural or supposedly artistic shots are taken with my pathetic 1 megapixel digicam-cum-vcam. Here's some hieroglyphics and pillars. Ladida. Luxor I think.

More of my own personality type and INFP links... Just so I know where to go next time...

http://linus.highpoint.edu/~bblatchl/infp.html

Oh, I like this! INFPs may appear to have been imported from another galaxy! How amusing.

Darn it... I should be doing math... And tonight have liqa' at Ami Ali's house (family gathering at uncle's place). *clutch cheeks* No time to study! And here I am still online! But leisure is important. It is! Why don't people agree?

It's annoying how you can never truly enjoy yourself cause you keep thinking of the things you need to do. Ugh.

http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/infp.htm
http://www.personalitytype.com/srp/index.html

I must read Don Quixote!

Oh my goodness. So many people who sound like me.

http://www.theintrovertzcoach.com/famous_infps.html

Sometimes it's such hard work and I wish I could switch off, not think and stop feeling everything so deeply and personally - I have suffered from depression twice in my life - and I often feel low (I'm on the St John's Wort right now!) Exercise really helps and so does music, singing and getting away from home and work. I have also found that hypnotherapy helps when I have to do something very extravert - like presenting at conferences. What I love about being an INFP is that I'm never bored I find interest in just about everything and I enjoy being able to se the good in people when others can't.
~ An INFP

I completely understand! I feel so liberated! There are people out there like me. And I'm not that psychotic! :P

No wonder I've always felt so odd and out of place. Only 1% of the general population are INFPs and I don't know if I've met one before.

I remember Michelle Tan was an INFP but I immediately wondered (when I found out) if the test had made a mistake cause she's seems like such an extrovert. Hm.

Am still reading all these comments by INFPs... Quite a number of them are depressed people. And I completely empathise. I know how it feels like to be so completely drained being around these other people and going home and going to bed, just wishing that the next morning, I'll wake up as someone else. And not have to suffer being me.

And I start to miss being around people with whom I can really, really be myself. Like the birds. Or mumu.

But this year, in S03D, I've found some friends in class with whom I can be like that! Like nikki and jean. Which makes most of school less painful. :)

Hey, Princess Diana was an INFP! Heh.

INTPs seem like serious geniuses. It's very amusing. They just seem like a group of people constantly asking why and continuously wondering how the world works. Like Einstein and Darwin. Hmm.

Goodness. No ISTPs or ISTJs have posted anything. It just shows which kind of personality types are inclined towards writing and which cannot afford to waste time doing such things. Haha.

Gotta go now... Ami Ali's house! Family gathering. Oh, finally, real food. Been feeding off chocolates and pancakes since last night.

I haven't touched my laptop in a week. Was starting to experience withdrawal symptoms - extreme depression, irritability etc. Haha. Was so busy with dramafeste everyday for the past week. And well, yes, it's over. MedFac 1 didn't win anything, but I still think our show was good! And Smriti is a very professional director! She's so... real and director-ish (If I make sense at all) and focused and determined. We wanted her to win. And Reuben was good too I thought! So melodramatic - which was the purpose.

Oh well, Engine won. I wonder if its the first time ever or the first time in a long time.

Anyway, woke up at 11.30 am today. The thought of having to go tutor Farhan... made me feel tired still. But then saw handphone: No tuition today! Phew. Finally. I can rest.

Okay, now I have to go eat some pancakes before my sister devours them all.

"Now, if we look at Myers's type descriptions, people are either more observant than introspective, or more introspective than observant. Observers (SPs and SJs) seem more at home when looking after the particulars of everyday living, attending to concrete things -- food, clothing, shelter, transportation -- and to practical matters such as recreation and safety, and are likely to leave the more abstract issues to others. In turn, Introspectors (NTs and NFs) (ME!) tend to be more content when these concrete concerns are handled by someone else and they are left free to consider the more abstract world of ideas.

To put this difference another way, Observers might be called "earthlings" or "terrestrials," concrete, down to earth beings who keep their feet on the ground. These persons see what is in front of them and are usually accurate in catching details. It is said that "they don't miss much." Observers want facts, trust facts, and remember facts, and they want to deal with the facts of a situation as they are, either in the here and now, or as recorded in the past. They focus on what is happening, or what has happened, rather than anticipating what might be, what would happen if, or what might occur in the future.

In contrast, Introspectors might be called "extraterrestrials," abstract beings who live with their head in the clouds, strangers in a strange land who wonder about the curious antics of the earthlings. Absorbed as they often are in their internal world, Introspectors tend to miss a great deal of what's right around them -- current reality is merely a problem to be solved, or a stage of development toward some future ideal. Not only can they miss details, they can also lose track of where they are, and for instance drive right past their highway turn-off. "It's only reality" they sometimes say, to register their relative disinterest in the merely concrete. But more than disinterest, Introspectors can be discontent with reality, even bothered by it, and speculate about possible ways of improving it."

~ http://www.keirsey.com/pumII/ns.html

Was reading some stuff and found this. Plato said:

"When a person meets the half that is his very own, whatever his orientation, then something wonderful happens: the two are struck from their senses by love, by a sense of belonging to one another...and they don't want to be separated from one another, not even for a minute. These are people who finish out their lives together and still cannot say what it is they want from one another. No one would think it is the intimacy of sex ... It's obvious that the soul of every lover longs for something else; his soul cannot say what it is, but like an oracle it has a sense of what it wants, and like an oracle it hides behind a riddle."

I tried to refrain from saying that that whole chunk of words from Plato's mouth is utter crap... But I can't help it. It does seem like crap. Unreal. Just fantasy. Literature.

I think this really doesn't sound like me. Normally, such deep analysis of love and life make me go 'Awww'. Or I'd ponder on it for some time and simply start feeling inexplicably good; knowing that perhaps such wonderful things do exist. I am a dreamer, I know that. I live in the clouds, most of the time. But today, I seem to have both feet on the ground, and feel annoyed that most days aren't like today, and I am usually my normal deluded self. Today, I must have taken off those bloody rose-tinted glasses I wear.

I've read about really great romances, and beautiful friendships. But words, they just glorify things to become more than they actually are, don't you think? Just take Harry and Draco for instance, in Draco Trilogy. A great story centering on a most extraordinary relationship between the two boys. Something deeper than friendship. Closer than being blood brothers. A bond so strong one cannot conceive living life without the other. And let's not make me start listing out all the love stories we know from movies and books and stories in general. Their tales are awe-inspiring and amazing and touching. But really, how often are they realistic? How often do happy endings occur?

Stories are really reflections of what humans wish reality could be. Life is really, mostly, pretty much the opposite. So literature and books are confusing me to bits. Of course, there are those realistic stories and sad endings... tragic ones. But even those are being glamourised. Death is made to be poetic or honourable. When really, I should think it's simply painful and bloody.

When you think about it, real life is... not as nice. I'm not saying there aren't any people who truly love each other, or there never existed a strong bond between any two brothers or sisters. I'm just saying that words make it seem to be much more.

Words make the world prettier.

And so Plato's whole paragraph, in my opinion, would have been more true if it merely described the happiness of two people who have found much common ground spending time with each other. And not that whole chunk about never wanting to be separated etc.

Ah sigh. Just you see. Tomorrow, I'll be my old self and think all I wrote here is crap (in fact, I already think that). And that really, miracles do happen and relationships can be truly deep and strong and true love exists.

You scored as Remus Lupin. You are a wise and caring wizard and a good, loyal friend to boot. However sometimes in an effort to be liked by others you can let things slide by, which ordinarily you would protest about. Remus Lupin 85% Ron Weasley 80% Albus Dumbledore 80% Hermione Granger 75% Harry Potter 65% Sirius Black 65% Ginny Weasley 65% Severus Snape 55% Draco Malfoy 45% Lord Voldemort 25% Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...? created with QuizFarm.com

Wow. This is the second time I'm labelled as Lupin. Maybe I really am like Lupin... Haha..

Gave dad (I call him abah by the way) his birthday present just a moment ago! That slim, silverish, nice-looking pen from Kino, that I bought yesterday with Eunice and Yu Jie. Wrote him a letter on an HP letter pad. My sis made up a pantun (malay poem) and I modified the second line... (We've been going crazy over pantuns since last last week's fiesta komedi... Cak, cak, Kacak! or Daun rumbia, daun selasih, Terima kasih!)

Our poem to Abah:

Budak kecik lari-lari,
Lari-lari terhantuk laci.
Nyari abah kena happy-happy,
Pasal today abahnye hari jadi.

:P

And I added some corny phrase about the pen... Enjoy your cool, slim, futuristic ink-dispensing marvel! To which my sister responded: -_- And my dad went like, "Hah, this is from Marvel?"

Haiyoh.

Why is it that I keep doing stupid things? Can't seem to be able to stop. It's absolutely aggravating.

* * *

Read cassie's LJ. Her dtdm is a compendium of all her literary crushes. Other people have literary crushes too! Oh thank god. I thought I was psychotic. Or delusional.

Went out so much during this break from school. And now am so tired and no work is done. Ah sigh.

Happy chinese new year. And selamat menyambut awal muharram 1426 H. It's the muslim new year as well. May I fulfill my resolutions for this year. (:

Here I go, pasting...

INFPs (have) a natural inclination toward absent- mindedness and other-worldliness...

Explains my blurness.

INFPs have the ability to see good in almost anyone or anything. Even for the most unlovable the INFP is wont to have pity.

Hm. I must not be so gullible.

INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives?

The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.

Oh dear.

Went to TIMES to buy Farhan belated birthday present: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But it turned out to be 18 stg dollars. Settled for a slightly cheaper George's Marvellous Medicine instead. Love Roald Dahl! If that ingenious man can't convert kids to become readers... no one can. He converted my brother, I think. So maybe he can encourage Farhan to read as well.

Maybe Rowling can... but HP books are a bit harder to read. So not for very young kids.

So tired. Had chem SPA. Was sort of a nightmare for me.

Just so tired. Cant wait for CNY week.

On the waterfall itself! I'm not in the picture because I was still climbing up the slopes. The stones were moss-covered and extremely slippery. It's a wonder we didn't slip and fall.

Waterfall in the middle of the desert, at Fayyoum, Egypt. Water was freezing cold to the bones.

Pyramids in the background.

You know what those are? Barrels of water for the thirsty passerby. See if you dare to drink though... Pieces of leaves drifting on the surface.. and dark murky depths. :S

This is at Bassatin, somewhere in the outskirts of Cairo. Look at how they just line up the wheat bread on the mat for us! We don't use plates. The bread is really nice by the way...

My maid finishes her contract today and leaves for Indonesia in the afternoon. There'll be no more maids after her. That's what my mum says. I've had a maid in the house for as long as I can remember. So now... no more. Don't know what to think. Hm.

Weirdly, I have no inspiration to write... I thought I did. I mean, I wanted to write about some things... But when I finally have the keyboard beneath my hovering fingers, all those thoughts seem to leave me.

I do recall one thing that I saw on the train this past week. Something that quite grossed me out: Extreme PDA-ing on the train between two secondary school students. And it wasn't even the more common huggy-huggy or pecking-on-the-cheeks-and-lips kind... which is already quite bad in my opinion. It was the full-blown snog. I was seriously grossed out. I was only short of gasping out loud in horror. My hair stood on end. If only I was not shuddering so badly and not so grossed out by the sight, I might have told them to be more considerate of other people's psychological well-being. And mind you, it was in a train at 6pm. Where the train is crowded. I averted my eyes all the way to Tampines.

I say, what is wrong with kids nowadays? Don't they know shame? Or are they so blinded by "love"? Oh, I'm so in love, the rest of the world is a blur! For the love of god, pick a better spot for doing such stuff! Closets are good. RJ's cleaner closets are still pretty clean. I heard rumours that a lip-locked couple was found in RJ's huge LT1. LT1?!?!?! How mad can they get. At least a seldom-used stairwell would make more sense.

It's all really pretty scary.

Read DV 15 Part Two. Amazing. Such beautiful writing should be allowed to be published for all the world to see. Despite HP being Rowling's and all that. She writes almost as well as Dunnett - in the sense that the paragraphs can knock the breath out of you, and single lines can make make you choke. Oh. My. God. Just so so so beautiful. Oh, I also made history - DT being first fanfiction that really, really made me cry to bits. When Cassie publishes her first book (of which I know not the title), she will get her due. She'll be famous. Then maybe DT will get the full attention it deserves.

But then. Good works don't always get the attention they deserve. Just look at Lymond. -_-

Oh, haven't posted about Aidiladha. Hm. Kambings (sheep) were late. Ghufran overflowing AS USUAL. And granny's house packed to the brim. 50 or so people in a two room flat (counted at least 45, but then got confused and stopped counting). My cousin was standing outside the gate. Hahaha. And we were just squashed together! I think my whole dad's side was together, except for Ami Mamad's family. Ah. So nice.

****

SPOILER

He winced then, and his hand tightened painfully on hers. "I am not sure I agree with the poets about all that "Death, where is thy sting?" business," he said hoarsely. "It seems to me that it stings more than enough." - DV 15

Fortress of Sultan Qaitbay in Alexandria. It's located along the coast, facing the Mediterranean Sea.

Sultan Qaitbay Fortress again. (At least I think so. If not, it's the Citadel in Cairo.)

Architectural shot. That's the dome of a mosque... only now, I'm not sure which mosque. Went to so many...

"We delude ourselves with the thought that we know much more about matter than about a 'metaphysical' mind or spirit, and so we overestimate material causation and believe that it alone affords us a true explanation of life. But matter is just as inscrutable as mind."
- Carl Jung, Excerpt from Coincidence, by David Ambrose

It is a fact that the deeper you look into matter, the less 'material' it becomes. Cells are made of atoms and atoms are mostly space, then down below that we're into quantum indeterminacy, 'quarks' and 'gluons'... Matter has no more physical substance than a thought.
- Excerpt from Coincidence, by David Ambrose

The book I'm reading has all these interesting injections... that you can ponder on for hours. I like such books. But the main plot is becoming quite disappointing... hm.

Have actually tons of work and SPA is coming. But feel very, very tired. If I sleep, I know I won't wake till morning. But if I do work now, I won't be able to absorb anything anyway because all I can think of is sleep. So what to do?

5 minutes nap, maybe.

Congrats to Singapore Lions! Ah. Sweeeeet victory. Wish I was in Kallang right now. So fun!!! Abang Dollah's there, with 13 of his friends. Monish also there, I think. Ms Lo too! Ahhh. Wish I could be there to do the Kallang wave. And cheer. Family was screaming the house down moments ago. Oh, also have to add shamelessly, that Baihakki makes very nice eye candy.

Trying to memorise some lines for tomorrow's drama practice now... -_-

Throat very very sore. I dont think it was from the screaming. It hurt before that. Can hardly swallow. Bleargh.

Anyway, met my buddy from Darul Ma'wa yesterday! 10 year old Farhan. He's supposedly the smartest of his age in the home. He's sort of talkative. He loves soccer - typical of any boy, especially if he's malay. Goes to Macpherson Primary, and is in 4/1. His birthday is on Jan 1st, so I missed it and have no idea whether I should get him anything when I meet him again next week. All in all, I think this might work out to be the most fulfilling sort of CIP I'll ever do.

Throat really really hurts. How.

Jamiyah Mentoring tomorrow! (: Quite looking forward to it despite my saturday being taken up once again. It's nice to know you're helping someone, you know. I hope I get a nice little girl. A younger sister. Not that I don't already have one... Or I won't mind a little brother. Oh, wait I already have that too. Haha.

Not so little anymore though. :P

Feeling quite happy, which is really something for me. Hope this optimistic feeling lingers a bit longer.

I need a large dosage of Lymond. A discussion... Another read of the whole series. SOMETHING. I need to get away from school stuff. Am about to self-combust with frustration. I can't even afford time to finish my library books. I hardly get to do what I want anymore... Sometimes feel like screaming during lectures. They make me so mad. Everything makes me mad. So many bloody little things bothering me. And every subject tutor demanding so much from each of us, thinking we don't have enough on our hands as it is. Really. Does RJ think we don't need rest? What about recreation? What about just being NORMAL???

For god's sake. I wish I were born somewhere ulu, and I hadn't known about being in school, and getting As and bloody qualifications for bloody prestigious professions. Then I'd have lived a peaceful life, learning what I do want to learn, at my own pace, gaining knowledge for the sake of knowledge and not for the sake of getting nice grades.

I think I know what I want for myself in heaven, god willing. A peaceful, quiet place. A pretty place. Some books. And just, really... a nice rest. I sound like DT!DM.

My deepest desires: To find peace. To see the world. To die knowing that I did something to make the world a slightly better place.

I don't know if it's so bad to lack ambition. I think I do. Why would you want so much anyway?

Oh. Just. Ugh. UGH.

Monday's Child is fair of face,
Tuesday's Child is full of grace,
Wednesday's Child is full of woe,
Thursday's Child has far to go,
Friday's Child is loving and giving,
Saturday's Child works hard for a living,
But the Child that is born on the Sabbath Day,
Is witty and wise and good and gay!

Am full of woe. Hm.

People are weird.

~

Sigh. Stupid little things like this can leave me thinking for hours on end in depressed mode. Wish some people aren't so quick to judge. The world would be a better place if people don't go around hating each other for some trivial reason or other.

Have a deep longing to be back in Egypt. I miss it oh-so-much.

Am in malay drama again this year. And have suddenly horrifyingly realized that am the only J2 girl in it. -_-

The worst thing about reading on the train is not being able to express what you feel. That's how it is for me at least. Was reading something extremely sad in The Girl With The Pearl Earring, but was trying not to look horrified or pained, or god forbid, start tearing. I can't imagine reading PiF in train. Don't know what I would do if I had reached that extremely heart rending part and been on the train.

So many things going on in school.

Internet connection extremely bad.

I really can't stand school. Two days into the first term and I already feel extremely drained and tired.

Wish I was far away. Somewhere nice... Ah, sigh. Back in Cairo perhaps, where they (Dandrawis) were all so warm and welcoming, even though I was sick. And things were just simpler... and their lives so meaningful. Sometimes it's so easy to get lost when you're so busy.

I know I'm rambling. Can't help it.

11 months or so more... and then school and exams will be over. And plans can roll into action.

It all seems so, so far away.

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you awy from this worldSo much so that you tend to live in your head most of the timeYou have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Was actually A Visionary Soul earlier... So which am I? A mix of the two perhaps...

Almost finishing my book. Like the story. It's very sad. And I have to say that I absolutely hate King Henry VIII. A most selfish man. Ambition and power really does corrupt, I think. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Also, stories should not involve little children being... maltreated. I can deal with blood and gore and war and all the fighting, and grown-ups dying. But put a little child in the story, and make it a pawn, and I fall to pieces in fear for its life. Am traumatised enough by what happened in PiF.

I realise that everytime I go home from wherever, taking the train, I look forward to that walk from the interchange right to my doorstep. During that 10 minutes or so, I simply let my feet carry me, and my thoughts start to wonder. The route is so very familiar that my feet really just leads me. I'll be so far off in my thoughts that, I think, if you saw me, and waved and shouted to me, I wouldn't notice you. Much like being engrossed in a good book. More than once, I caught myself at it. I'd be walking and I'd start thinking about something and then suddenly, when I'm finally fully aware of my immediate surroundings, I'd be at the lifts under my block of flats. And I'd realise I had no recollection of some parts of the journey. I mean, I do vaguely remember walking, but it seemed over too soon. As though I was so absorbed in my thoughts, the real walk seemed a blur.

I like that solitary walk home. It just gives time to think, to wonder and to ponder. I don't know what to call it... It's just... peaceful. Or perhaps it's a calming exercise, both for the mind and the body.

The Big Move tomorrow. And I am not supposed to get on the train. But I will try. Am miffed.

Anyway, have something to say. I know that my blog is in a very public place - the World Wide Web. I can't help it if my blog seems to constantly appear in the yahoo search results. I really don't know why. And I don't know how to go about finding out the reason. I wish I could put a password like Pige does, so that only selective people are privy to these information, but I have no knowledge of how to do that, either. So here lies my blog entries, for everyone to see, if they wish. And honestly, I am fine with that now. Because I made the choice of having a blog. And this place has never been a store for my innermost emotions anyway. Merely a channel for sharing between friends. But I ask for only one small thing: Have the courtesy of letting me know if you've visited? Especially if I do know you. I mean... Passing visitors do stumble here, and leave with no impression... And I couldn't care less. But it's a bit different if you're someone I know. Just say something, won't you? There's a guestbook. Don't leave me in the dark.

Of course, I wouldn't be able to do anything if you are determined to remain lurking in silence. So be it. -_-

'The Other Boleyn Girl' has taken a very unpleasant turn. Was annoyed that what I wanted to happen has no prospect of ever happening. But I like the story. Themes of ambition, power, sacrifice and love. The three Boleyn siblings, Anne, Mary and George, doing whatever it takes to bring the Howard family to the highest possible position in England - the throne. And it's all quite sad... Here's a bit of it.

His young handsome face crumpled and he buried his face into the rich sleeve of his jacket. "I'm in love with a man," he said simply. [What is it with homosexuality in the 16th century?]

"Francis Weston," I said at once. [And he had to be called Francis?!]

His silence told me that I had guessed right.

Anne's face was one of stunned horror. "Does he know?"

He shook his head, still buried among the rich red velvet of his embroidered sleeve.

"Does anyone else know?"

Again his brown head shook.

"Then you must never give hint of it, never tell anyone," she ordered him. "This must be the first and last time you speak of it to anyone, even to us. You must cut him out of your heart and mind and never even look at him again."

He looked up at her. "I know it's hopeless."

But her advice was not for his benefit. "You endanger me," she said. "The king'll never marry me if you bring shame to us."

"Is that it?" he demanded, in sudden rage. "Is that all that matters? Not that I am in love and tumbled like a fool into sin. Not that I can never be happy, married to a snake and in love with a heartbreaker, but only, only, that Mistress Anne Boleyn's reputation must be without blemish."

At once she flew at him, her hands spread like claws, and he caught her wrists before she could rake his face. "Look at me!" she hissed. "Didn't I give up my only love, didn't I break my heart? Didn't you tell me then that it was worth the price?"

He held her away but she was unstoppable. "Look at Mary! Didn't we take her from her husband and me from mine? And now you have to give up someone too. You have to lose the great love of your life, as I have lost mine, as Mary lost hers. Don't whimper to me about heartbreak, you murdered my love and we buried it together and now it is gone."

George was struggling with her and I gripped her from behind, pulling her off him. Suddenly, the fight went out of her and the three of us stood still, like masquers forming a tableau, me, hugging her waist, him holding her wrists, her stretched hands still inches from his face.

"Good god, what a family we are," he said wonderingly. "Good god, what have we come to?"

"It's where we're going that matters," she said harshly.

George met her gaze and nodded slowly, like a man taking an oath. "Yes," he sighed. "I won't forget."

"You'll give up your love," she stipulated. "And never mention his name again."

Again the defeated nod.

"And you'll remember that nothing matters more than this, my road to the throne."

"I'll remember."

Nikki is in Chennai. The earthquake... Tsunamis... I really, really hope she's all right. =S

Went bowling for the first time today. Didn't get any strikes. Bowling isn't my thing... I suppose. Got quite frustrated at myself. I just couldn't put enough force into it...

After that, we (my usual cousin gang) went to play laser mania for the first time - you wear these vests with flashing lights and a connected gun... and you shoot each other. We were split up into two teams and we went into this dark maze. My blasted gun kept going off. But it was still fun... the vest vibrates when you're shot... and you take 4 or 5 seconds to recover. I turned out to be quite the marksman... shocked me. Was 6th in rank out of 18 people.

Finished Agatha Christie's Murder on the Orient Express. What an incredible mystery plot. Much too... incredible, if you ask me. Mystery stories are always so factual compared to other stories. I much prefer stories which make you cry or scream or become angry or terribly happy. When I was reading that Poirot novel, I was merely frustrated. I kept going: "Where? Where???", "Haaaah. WHAT.", "How did he know that???" and "That's not possible." It's all very intellectually stimulating, but I much prefer those angsty, smash your heart to smithereens kind of novels.

To which I have to add that Pawn in Frankincense is the most emotionally-engaging book I have ever had the privilege to read. The ache remains. I can't get rid of it.

Am going through a phase... which might not turn out to be a phase. Haha. I have discovered that I am attracted to historical fiction. It might be because of Lymond... or it might be the other way round - that part of the reason I adore LC is because it is historical fiction. Before I knew Lymond, I was already interested in historical stuff... or fiction that has its roots in actual history.

Borrowed 'The Other Boleyn Girl' by Philippa Gregory and 'The Girl With The Pearl Earring' by Tracy Chevalier today. See what I mean? Borrowed Poirot too though.

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a Visionary Soul. You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul.You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful.In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

=) Sounds nice. There's a 'What kind of Intelligence Are You?' Quiz as well... But I got the Linguistic Intelligence... which I didn't find very accurate. Hm.

Crappy shot. Muahaha.

[Jamal, the camel. Elsie's friend.]
A cuuuute camel soft toy! My sis found it at the famous souk - Khan El Khalili. It's a really nice sort of bazaar... lots of interesting trinkets, lots of bargaining...

Camels! Took a ride, albeit a really short one. Bumpy. Liked it.

What the pyramid looks like up close.

The sun atop the pyramid

Us at Giza. Reminds me of the Weasley pic. Haha.

As close as it was possible to get near the Sphinx

Sphinx - closer shot

Wider shot

In Cairo, Egypt, I stayed, with my family of 16 people, in an apartment located in an Indonesian student hostel. It had a main hall, and several smaller rooms connected to it. I roomed wth my sister and 30-year-old cousin who always travels with us. There was always food in the main hall - 24 hours a day. Loaves of bread, jam, nutella, cheese, lipton tea (not that I fancy this much), hot and cold water dispenser etc. And at each meal, asian food will be served - nasi lemak in the mornings and fried rice at night. Suffice to say, food wasn't a problem.

There were always other people in our apartment. My uncle's friends and acquaintances in Cairo always came by... and this consisted of mostly Azhar University (the first university in the world) students. [Abang Hattar, Marhani, Rashid, Kamarul, Fauzan, Shamsul, Kak Siti Hawa and Kak Faridah.] There were Singaporeans, Malaysians and Indonesians. And we got to know them really well. Often, we'd just sit together in the main hall and talk. It was nice... and home-y. I think I missed that part most about Egypt - the apartment and the people and the nice times we had.

Anyway, we visited the Pyramids early on in the trip. The famous three pyramids of Giza. Unfortunately, I did not go into the pyramid. Elders had some qualms about it... some superstition. I brought back to our apartment, a pebble from Giza. To which has been blamed my consequent ill health. So I threw it away. Yes, I was sick, with fever and terrible sore throat and ear ache. And went to a doctor in Dandara, a small town in Lower Egypt. I had the flu.

I should describe the pytamids in detail. But... nothing much to say. There isn't much more than what you see in pictures or videos. They are big, of course... and really quite majestic... But, frankly, it was quite a flat feeling when I finally laid eyes on one of the seven wonders of the world. I'll paste some pictures later. Then there was the Sphinx, which we couldn't touch. We couldn't even get near. Maddenning. Again... it looked grand. But its face is... yes, quite gone. Weathered.

Very dusty. Very. Sometimes, you'd breathe in dust and won't stop coughing for minutes on end. Really quite bad.

Cairo, is a city of horns. The streets are constantly jammed. At some point in any journey, your vehicle will most definitely get stuck in traffic. And they will all start horning! Like they're talking to each other. Beeps everywhere. After a while, you get used to it, and don't jump in fright every time. Oh, and the traffic lights - they don't work. They just blink amber, that's all. No wonder traffic is bad, eh? Occassionally, when it gets too bad, the traffic police come in. Otherwise, it's a matter of hand waving, beeping and horning, and squeezing your van through gaps. Really quite mad. And crossing the roads are just scary. We just keep saying how, if we were to live there, we'd most definitely die getting knocked down by a car. I recall how I'd just grip the arm of the person next to me and we'd all dash across the road together. Haha.

Egypt, is also, a country of beautiful people. Really. I have never seen so many gorgeous people within so short a period of time. Ok, granted, Europeans have the nice colouring - the blond, brown, red hair and blue, green and gray eyes. Arabs normally have dark colouring. Ocassionally, they have light brown hair and eyes... or even greenish eyes. But what the Arabs have are perfect features. Almost every one of them have perfectly sculpted noses, and nicely lined eyebrows and absolutely enchanting eyes. I swear, it's not modern day make up or plasic surgery. 7 out of 10 people on the streets are beautiful. There was a sweeper, in an orange uniform, who made me do a double take. And when we went to the theme park called Dream Park, we were surrounded by good-looking teenagers. At some points, it seemed unreal. However... for all their good looks... they were an uncivilized lot.

6 of us - me, my bro, my sis and three cousins, were queueing up for this particular ride. The one like Wipe Out in Gold Coast, Australia; where you get flipped upside down and rolled about a couple of times. We queued up for it for an hour. Because they kept jumping and cutting queue and climbing the 1.7 m high gates. The 6 of us were about to go mad. I had never been so angry in public before. I am, I can safely say, a patient and tolerant person. But those people were driving us completely insane. They were a RUDE, ROWDY lot. And I have never gone to an amusement park with such lax security before. I kept muttering curses under my breath and called them 'uncouthed idiots' right to their faces. Some of them could understand english, I could see, because they stared at me when I cursed. But I didn't give a damn. They cut your queue right in front of your eyes... and push and were just absolutely uncivilized animals! And climb the gates! It was like a riot, I tell you. The 6 of us foreigners stuck together like glue, with me and my sister in the centre, surrounded by our boy cousins. At one point, Hefni, the oldest of us and who'd just finished his A-levels, started bellowing angrily when this group of boys started climbing the gates and crossing over our heads. Some of them weren't as bad... but they still wanted to cut queue. One of them sign languaged to my brother: "My friend -" and pointed to his friend in front of us. To which my brother replied: "My friend is right in front of the queue; CAN I GO THERE?" I tell you... we were so angry. But we couldn't possibly start punching any of them. For one thing we were small. For another, there were 6 of us and a million of them. There seemed to be some school trip. That was one hour of my life, which I will never forget.

We also went by train, to Luxor. The centre of old Egyptian civilization. There was the temple of Karnak. We also went to Cleopatra's temple, and Hatshepsut temple. Hatshepsut was a female pharoah (quite a feat to be so at that time) who often dressed as a man. And finally went into some tombs. At some parts, we had to crawl because the tunnel was so small. Pharoahs normally married their siblings and daughters and sons. Quite ewey. Incest fest. If I'm not wrong, Ramses II had about 50 wives, of which 2 were his daughters. His favourite however, was the fifth, called Nefertiti (or is it Nefertari? Darn, I forgot.) You sohuld take a look at some of the photos.

Will stop here for now.

Having slight headache... Should sleep... But have some weird jet lag...

Went to Cassie's blog. Saw DV 15 Part 2 cookies. Feel like crying. Feel like grabbing hold of someone, Cassie preferably, and shaking her hard. MAD. Please. Why do people love to torture their characters. My heart just bleeds. And I keep reading these kind of novels where the main characters just... SUFFER. @_@

Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

Muahaha. The first thing I do when I come back from Egypt is an HP Personality quiz. Haha. It's accurate anyway... INFP I am.

Anyway... AM BACK. Lots to say. But can't say all now. Have tons of photos to paste. Just landed... an hour ago... Bags still unpacked... Wanted to bring back pebbles from Giza but dad and relatives convinced me that it was cursed, and was the cause of my ill health there. Hah. So I didn't bring it back and had to leave it along the dusty streets of Cairo.

Later!

Leaving for Egypt tonight. Getting quite excited. Will be back on 18th!

"Chide not the pupil hastily, for that will both dull his wit and discourage his diligence, but [ad]monish him gently, which shall make him both willing to amend and glad to go forward in love and hope of learning... Let the master say, "Here ye do well". For I assure you there is no such whetstone to sharpen a good wit and encourage a love of learning as his praise... In mine opinion, love is fitter than fear, gentleness better than beating, to bring up a child rightly in learning."
~ Roger Ascham, 1515-1568, Scholar and Tutor to Queen Elizabeth

Was trying to do three things simultaneously: pack my bag, finish editing my fifth and last switzerland vcd and complete my mom's b'day present. Succeeded in only doing the first.

Started reading RC. Suddenly find the whole chunk about Russia not so bad. It used to seem draggy to me. Will bring it to Egypt.

First, shall say that my work experience was cut short. By 2 days. With some excuse that the Neuroradiology people were busy with... something. Can't quite remember what the lady said. The moment I registered the fact that it was over, my mind couldn't focus. I hadn't said goodbye properly to the friends that I made, especially Estella! I even made an ambigram for her when we were bored to death in the research lab. And Derrick has my Finding Nemo DVD! Must sms him to return it to me... next year. Really had a lot of fun with all the other 6 people on the attachment. We even played the... whaddyacallit... number game. The choose-a-number-between-1-and-500 game. And the person who lost would have to drink a whole bottle of water. That isn't much of a forfeit, I know. But what could we do? We wanted to send the loser to the stinky animal research lab, but then decided that it was too far. And we'd have to press the intercom each time. Haha.

Anyway, celebrated Duck's birthday yesterday. Really had lots of fun. The whole planning part was really hilarious. I think we laughed all the way on the train ride. Duck's LJ entry described it all.

Leaving for Egypt on Fri night. Yes, Egypt! Shall paste lots of pictures here when I come back!

Wasn't as excited as I was going to Switzerland... but I will be excited on Friday. Yay. Havven't packed though. Hate packing. :P

Yoohoo...

Cousin shot! (Dad's side.) There was something on the ceiling... *cringe* Lizard? Hehehehehe. Hilarious.

Have I mentioned that surgeons are busy people? Ah, I have. Well, they are extremely busy people.

Today, we sort of entertained ourselves and wandered around the hospital on our own because virtually all the surgeons do not wish to be tagged around. Because they were too busy.

Went into the OT again. Saw the brain again and some blood vessels. It was an aneurysm operation.

We couldn't even touch the surgeons' gowns... or brush against them. If we did, they'd go, "Did you touch me? Did you? Did you? Are you sure you didn't?" Then, looking annoyed, they'd go change into another gown just to be sure. And we stood for three hours in the OT, just like yesterday. Feet were aching like MAD. I employed the flamingo method of standing on one leg at a time. Helped a little bit. And the masks smelled icky. Smelled like airplane smell - magnified.

We wandered around... using the phrase "We're students from RJC on attachment with Dr So-and-so" to get virtually anywhere. The ICU wards and the OT changing rooms. But even so, we hated having to press the intercom button each time, and tried chasing after open doors. You see, most doors require special access staff cards, which we don't possess. So we'd hang around a door... and dart after this nurse or that doctor. Quite amusing. Sometimes, walking down a corridor, we'd see a nurse walk through a door, then we'd all break into an almighty sprint before the door slams shut. And then burst into laughter thereafter.

After lunch, we decided to go back to the OT again as there was nothing else to do and despite the prospect of aching feet again. We were outside the changing rooms... waiting for the doors to open. And finally, the women's room did. So me and Estella (from So3K. A nice girl, easy to talk to.) went in. Then we sneaked out the back door, whispering furiously as we did so, and into the men's changing room. I held open the door for Estella, who went to the front door and opened it for Derrick and Jensen who were still hanging around the corridor. They were quite shocked to see us. Thank god there were no men inside. I was sooooo scared but excited. It was like an insane adventure. Then the both of us girls returned to the women's changing room, giggling hysterically as we did so.

Then we took photos in our OT gowns. So funny! Hope they send it over to me soon.

Started on neurosurgery job attachment today.

Surgeons are such busy people. They walk around very fast, surveying their patients. Seem like very decisive and confident people too.

Went into the operating theatre (abbv: OT) today. Was quite amusing at first because we had no idea of the correct procedure. We simply wore the blue robes over our uniform. And when we appeared outside the OT, the nurses were horrified at our attire. "Are those your own shoes?" And we went, "Ya..." Apparently, we needed to take of all our normal clothes and shoes. So we had to go back all the way to the changing room and adorn the attire correctly.

In the theatre, there was this 50 stg old man, lying front down on the table. Only the back of his head was visible. It had already been cut open when we came. The sight wasn't stomach-turning... but it was eewy. The cut was about the length of my palm and half as deep. They kept sucking up blood (the poor guy was bleeding so much), then they drilled part of the skull, so they could get to the brain. Then I saw the brain. It was white with blood all over it. Much like tofu in red... liquid. And it was throbbing... with the beat of the heart. Really fascinating. Then the surgeon kept probing and scraping the brain tissue, with the aid of a microscope. There was a television screen for us to watch. And we saw the tumours. Though I really wondered how he could tell for sure they were tumours and not more brain tissue. We were standing there for approximately 2 and a half hours, being quiet and watching. We couldn't see much most of the time. Or didn't understand. Feet were aching! And, boy, was it cold. The robes were loose... and the aircon was on full blast. Freezing.

Later on, went to the clinic to observe consultation with patients. Interesting ailments...

Realise that I shall have to learn a number of languages in order to be an effective doctor since most of the patients don't speak english or malay.

Languages I have/wish to learn:

1. Mandarin
2. Hokkien
3. Cantonese
4. Hindi
5. Tamil
6. French
7. Spanish
8. Arabic

Later, Dr James Tan said that, other than the fact that patients can sue you for post-surgical problems, taking up medicine is fantastic.

How encouraging.

For the past two days, I have been attached to two neurologists (with 6 other people) at Tan Tock Seng Hospital. So far, it has been extremely enlightening. And tiring as well.

The attributes that a doctor should have (According to Dr Lee):
Passion
Empathy
Humility
Patience
Clarity of thought (A bit worried about this, seeing as how muddled up I can get about things.)

I've been thinking and thinking... and thinking. About what I want to do with my life. Is being a doctor it? At certain points of time, I am so sure. But then... certain things will discourage me. The competition for placing in med school. (200 out of 1300 or so applicants succeed). The seemingly bloody difficult exams. The years of studying. (appx 15 years to be a specialist). The cutting up of live bodies - do I have the guts? Am I decisive enough to be a doctor? Can I handle the pressure of being responsible for someone's life?

When I do feel sure, it's because when I'm at the hospital, I seem to think I can work in that sort of environment. The whole team of nurses and all of the staff (therapist, radiographer etc)... their seamless communication and cooperation, with the sole purpose of serving patients and saving lives, inspire me. I also think the 'detective work' of diagnosing patients' diseases very exciting and intellectually challenging. And what is better than knowing that your work helps other people? In this case, it prolongs their lives. That motivates me. (Apparently, the advice for choosing the right career is finding that thing that motivates you. So you can enjoy your job and make it your hobby.) And imagining myself when I'm 40 saving people's lives makes me excited. My life would have meaning.

And when I was on the way home on the train yesterday, a million thoughts about my future, my life and my career, rushing through my head, I saw a rainbow. The second time in three days. That's quite something. And it seemed like a sign. Or a good omen. I just grinned like mad. No one else seemed bothered about the rainbow. I didn't think anyone noticed. Except for this lady who just stared at it with a stony face. Honestly! It's a rainbow! How often do you see rainbows in Singapore? At least think pleasant thoughts! It gave me hope for the future somehow... seeing that rainbow. (:

Boriah! Hehehe. This photo is just amusing. More hari raya pics. :)

This is hilarious!!! Just look at them...

this...

... and this.

Me and beloved sis. Raya 2004 ;)

Me and Ahmad (Picture taken during the half hour where the granny's flat was so full, we couldn't go in.)

All of my cousins on mum's side and maternal grandma. Am officialy shortest now. :p Though am supposed to be 3rd oldest.

Girl cousins. :)

Bro, sis and me.

First of Syawal today.

Saw a rainbow while sembahyang hari raya at masjid ghufran. Very pretty. I can't remember the last time I saw a rainbow. Anyway, the mosque was overflowing with people... as usual. There never is enough space. And every year, people end up praying on the grass. But love the feeling of... togetherness. And seeing all the different people come from everwhere. Besides the Malays, Bangladesh workers, Chinese converts, 3 ang mohs and one extremely adorable brown haired boy. And all the colourful clothes.

Wore a blue baju kurung with glitter. And ended up leaving a trail of glitter everywhere I go. Glitter got on other people as well.

Bumped into Fairuz at Granny's place. Quite surprised to see him.

There were so many people at granny's house throughout the day there was no space. really. My sis and me hung around outside for half an hour at one point, because we couldn't even go in without intruding into somebody's comfort zone.

But fun all the same. :)

Dreamt about Jude Law. Again. This time, my whole family went to his house for a visit and he cooked maggi mee. There's more to it actually, but some parts are hazy so I shall not bother describing... This is getting really mad. If I could slap my obsessions out of me, I would. The weird thing is... I dont exactly think about him everytime. I'm not that obsessed. He's just constantly on my desktop background and besides that, I just have to always correct my mum, who, except for the first time, deliberately mispronounces it as Jud-y Law. I dont see why he keeps manifesting in my subconscious.

Maybe Jiawen can give a psychological explanation to this.

What ranDOM movie quote are you? by merenwen_ruby
Name
Birthday
Choose One	PhoneShoeCDLampHatNail PolishPillowBlanketChairHair Tie
The Quote	"Shall I describe it to you or shall I find you a box?"-Legolas(TTT)
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Darn. How does this meme thing know that I'm vertically challenged?

Feeling extremely annoyed with Pinnacle video editing software. It's not letting me open my projects properly. Argh. Annoying. Annoying!!! I better not lose all my stuff... And limewire is pissing me off too. Can't anything go right...

Still rereading PiF. Was reading on the way to school yesterday, and was refraining from making weird faces in the train. PiF is just so painful to read. I have no idea why I love it... It really makes my heart ache, like someone's stomping all over my heart in hobnail boots. And I haven't even gotten near the end yet. I have to keep reminding myself that these characters aren't real.

Had a dream the other night which involved pink hyenas with deadly bites, and Jude Law. Yes, Jude Law! I was trying to escape from them pink hyenas and was hiding in my room with sister. The rest of my family had been bitten. My home had been taken over by some evil foreign authority. And Jude Law came to help us. And, this is unbelievable, at one point, I called him Francis! Wth. I really should get a grip. Then we had to sneak out of my room quietly (by now, my sister seems to have vanished), and Jude Law went rummaging around in my mother's sewing drawer for some thread. Then he took out a tiny silver bow and arrow (from god knows where) and with the thread, shot the piece of string out the window towards the next nearest building. When the string was secure, he used it to jump out the window. Don't ask how a piece of flimsy thread can hold the weight of a full grown man. In the next scene, I found myself under my block of flats, with Jude Law there as well, (we must have escaped from my house) and a whole lot of people running and screaming. I don't know why. He then threw something small and metallic on the ground. I remember watching it roll... and the people running around stopping and staring at it. I had thought at first that it was a bomb, but then it slowly emitted a cloud of yellow gas. Then I got it (even though it doesn't make sense now). The gas was supposed to prevent us from being seen by the 'authority' as we escaped. The yellow gas was getting thicker, and he was still standing there. So I looked at him and told him, "Go! Go!" And he looked at me for a while and then left. He was going to come back and save all of us. Then I woke up.

And when I recalled it as I was bathing, I laughed myself silly.

The other dream before this which involved an actor was Hayden Christensen. That was really long ago... And all he did was stand in a lift with me and my cousins, smiling and grinning. Heh.

PW is over! Jubilation. Sort of screwed up presentation. Accidentally read the wrong slide at one point due to extreme nervousness, but what the heck. I could actually answer the question passably okay. And then it was over. Great feeling.

Watched hindi movie: Kal Ho Naa Ho. Loved it! I always have periods of time where I go crazy over a certain hindi movie. There was Kuch Kuch, Mohabbatein, K3G and now... Kal Ho Naa Ho. I love all the songs! And the story is just so sweeet. And now, sis and me absolutely adore Saif Ali Khan (from now on known as SAF). He's not that good looking per se, but his character in the movie, Rohit, was simply endearing. And me and sis also pity him more than we pity Shah Rukh. [Can't get the songs out of my head!]

Downloaded Limewire onto laptop. Finally. But everything seems so slow. Hm.

I really should try not to blog when I'm depressed or angry. Cause then I start ranting and raving. Not good.

Anyway, borrowed a book from the library on Saturday. A non-fiction one about how people's eyes can say lots of things. A book on eye language, you could say. Finished it! (After Lymond, almost every other book seems far simpler to complete.) Very intriguing.

Apparently... violet eyes do exist! I always thought they were a work of fiction. I've yet to see a real live person with violet eyes. Interestingly, it says that blue eyes are a sign of intelligence. This piece of info is backed up well by Lymond... but not by dumb blue-eyed blondes. Haha. Most of the stuff are hard to believe...

But there are certain parts which are very interesting and plausible! Did you know that your pupils dilate when you see something pleasant, appealing or exciting, and contract when you see something distasteful or unappealing? Hence, the phrases "eyes growing large with love" and "her eyes were pinpoints of hatred". When a person's pupils dilated with affection, the image of the person filling each pupil became, figuratively, the apple of his eye. And apparently, our eyes also dilate when we see other people's eyes dilated. Haha. That's why romantic scenes are always those with dim lights... so that the pupils of the eyes will be dilated... (Of course, we don't actually know this. We just think that dim lighting is romantic.) And when a man sees a woman with dilated eyes, he senses that the woman finds him appealing, and he becomes sexually simulated. Hahaha. How science makes everything unromantic. In other words, pupil dilation is a sign of sexual simulation.

And you know why a drug distilled from the nightshade plant is called 'belladonna'? Belladonna means beautiful lady. What the drug does is make the pupils dilate and thus make the ladies (namely prostitutes, in the past) look more appealing. So, the drug became known as the belladonna, because it made women seem more beautiful. It's all in the eyes.

Oh, and, the book also touches on how we normally look away so as to hide what we really think. Unless, you're a really, really, good actor and can tell straight lies without blinking. And how we normally dont like talking to people wearing shades because we can't see what they think. Interesting eh? We normally never acknowledge the fact that we can see what people think through their eyes. But it's true, isn't it? The eyes are most definitely windows to the soul. And you can normally tell when your close friends or family isn't feeling too good just by looking at their eyes.

This reminds me of Lymond. Oh darn. Why does everything seem to link back to Lymond... But there is one part of the series where this eye language thing is most prominent... Ah. Sigh.

Why are the forums gone??? Gasp. Nooooooo. Precious discussion threads!

There are always days when everything seems to go wrong. I feel like there's nothing to look forward to. And it gets harder and harder to laugh. And nothing good happens. Depression just sinks in, you know.

The future really seems bleak to me right now. And when I flipped through the straits times today (a rare event), I got even more depressed. The world is so superficial. You know how the papers have a new look now, and they dedicate a thick section to fashion. I just got so disgusted at certain things. About how one lady seems to think that spending thousands on botox and cosmetic surgery in general and staying young is better than going on vacations and travelling the world. When I would, without much hesitation, choose the latter. I simply think it absolutely stupid to forgo travelling the world to look pretty... for who? Her husband, who she claims she has to satisfy lest he runs away with a more beautiful and youthful girl. What kind of husband is that? What kind of love requires a wife to do that? I suppose you want to look beautiful for your husband, but doing it for fear he looks to others? Ugh.

It just irates me... this whole obsession over looks. I would willingly splurge on books, movies, computers and especially holidays. But spending a huge amount on clothes, fashion accessories and branded shoes for instance, never agreed well with me. I just feel it such a waste. I always think, "Why would it be so much fun to wear something expensive?" I could use the money for an enjoyable novel instead, or a good movie. Okay... you would look good with good clothes. And if you look good... then...? You feel good, they say. But why? Because you like the attention? The admiration? You make more friends? You meet more people? You attract the opposite sex? What??? I'm just trying to find out why humans are innately vain, to some extent. Maybe looking good brings respect? Perhaps. Hm. And if you look disgusting, people shirk you. Hm.

So. Besides the whole superficiality of the world today, which depressed me even more, I read about the three sikhs and the two muslims girls who got expelled from the french school because they refused to remove their religious accessories. Which did not just make me more depressed, but made me madder. What is wrong with wearing or adorning religious symbols as long as we respect each other and don't impose on each other? It's better than throwing people out just because they have conviction for their beliefs. Don't those people understand that for some individuals, certain things which seem ridiculous or stupid to most, like wearing headscarves or turbans, might actually be very important. And it is not as easy as, "Don't wear first ah... Education more important what...". Don't they realise that some people feel that obeying God is more important than obeying the bloody government?

Oh, and I resent how the french view the wearing of headscarves as a form of oppression or a sign of Islamic radicalism! How dare they. You think I would wear the headscarf willingly if it was meant to oppress me??? The headscarf does not oppress women!!! It protects the modesty of women. I think the only disadvantage for a woman to wear a headscarf is the immediate discrimination we get from others! The lower chances of passing a job interview or working as a receptionist, say. (You see, a receptionist has to be pretty, show that beautful mane of hair and bare some skin for the pleasure of guests.) Ugh.

And for god's sake! If they mention one more time about being a moderate muslim, I will scream. There's no such thing as a moderate muslim! What the hell does being moderate mean? Either you believe in your religion, or you don't. I don't want to be like the majority of the Turks who say they're Muslims but don't behave as Muslims and drink alcohol and dress clothes that barely cover half the body. If that is being moderate and modern, then pfft. Being modern is not in the way you dress, but the way you think. I wish some people could realise that, and we all can respect each other and have world peace.

The world is seriously full of stupid people. And am still depressed.

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Striding amidst the steppes, wielding a burning branch, cometh Shamiah! And she gives a mighty roar: "I'm going to bludgeon you with such zeal, you will not be able to see straight!"

Find out! Enter username: Are you a girl, or a guy ?

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(Cassie says that one of her all-time fave authors is Dorothy Dunnett! =))))

Cassie's question and answer session with her fans is hilarious. Example:

eckeltricity -- Do you love me?

There was that time when I thought we were meant for each other. Unfortunately we just want different things out of life. Besides, I feel like I need to be alone for a while to really grow. It's not you, it's me.

A psycho fan. Haha.

- - - -

Cassie is evil. How can she leave us a cookie that hangs like that??? Oh... the agony...

It's terrible. The promos are over but they're still haunting me. Results aren't here yet and I'm terrified of failing. Absolutely scared out of my wits. Had a dream where I was in class, sitting next to Nikki. It was Chemistry lesson (yes, of all things...) and we were supposed to do some MCQ questions. And somehow, when we were going through the questions, I realised I hadn't completed them. (Typical tutorial situation.) And was hurriedly copying down Nikki's answers... and then Mr Lai saw me... And I was so scared! Mr Lai always manages to make me feel bad. I felt so guilty and worried... Then I woke up. And I couldn't fall asleep for a long time after that because I kept thinking about each exam paper I'd sat through, calculating the probability of passing. Which seems low. Then it all led to me thinking how I hate school, as usual, and how I wish I could run away to a pretty countryside and be alone. After a long time, I managed to fall asleep again. By the way, the only silly thing about the dream was that the MCQ questions weren't about Chemistry. It was a Singapore idol trivia. I recall a question that asked why Leandra had pink hair tied with green ribbons. (Atrocious colour combination!) And I was going, "How do I know why she wants pink hair???" And was panicking, so I just anyhow answered the MCQ questions. Of course, Leandra has really nice brown hair, and I have no idea why I dreamt that.

Anyhow, I shall record yesterday's incident of blurness. Went out whole day and watched Wimbledon with Nikki and Jean. Decided to go home at bout 5.30. Took the train from Orchard of course. Nikki was supposed to take the NEL train, so she was supposed to get off at Dhoby Ghaut. But she missed it and got off at City Hall. We were all laughing at her blurness. Waved goodbye to her as she got off at City Hall.

Jean and me stayed in the train, laughing away.

We were on the train going south.

And we were still laughing. About the fact that Nikki forgot to get off at Dhoby Ghaut.

Until. Jean stopped short when the train doors opened. And the sign on the wall said: Marina Bay.

Then we looked at each other. I remember exclaiming, "Oh my God!" And we were laughing like mad as we got off the train and ran into the train at the other side of the platform. The one that went back north.

Can you imagine, we let Nikki off at City Hall, knowing it was City Hall. And had the cheek to laugh at her, when we were missing our stop right there and then.

Absolute blurness on ALL our parts.