Life-long learning indeed.

In this trying period, I am learning to grapple with failure, and struggling to understand what it really means to work hard and not give up. I wish I had tried more and failed more as a child (and not stayed so safe), so that I'm not such an amateur at this. It's a silly thing to always want to do well, and not try at something challenging enough that you fail. Try at something impossible or at least more difficult, so that you fail, and then life will scare you less. (When I have a kid some day, this is going into his or her syllabus.) Because you fail... and then so what? Life goes on, damn it. And the learning continues.

Besides, just picking yourself up after you fall is an act of jihad.

"Any art or skill is possessed by those who have formed the habit of operating according to its rules. In fact, the artist or craftsman in any field differs thus from those who lack his skill. He has a habit they lack. You know what I mean by habit here. I do not mean drug addition. Your skill in playing golf or tennis, your technique in driving a car or cooking soup, is a habit. You acquired it by performing the acts which constitute the whole operation.

There is no other way of forming a habit of operation than by operating. That is what it means to say one learns to do by doing. The difference between your activity before and after you have formed a habit is a difference in facility and readiness. You can do the same thing much better than when you started. That is what it meants to say practice makes perfect. What you do very imperfectly at first you gradually come to do with the kind of almost automatic perfection that an instinctive performance has. You do something as if you were to the manner born, as if the activity were as natural to you as walking or eating. That is what it means to say that habit is the second nature.

One thing is clear. Knowing the rules of an art is not the same as having the habit. When we speak of a man as skilled in any way, we do not mean that he knows the rules of doing something, but that he possesses the habit of doing it. Of course, it is true that knowing the rules, more or less explicitly, is a condition of getting the skill. You cannot follow rules you do not know. Nor can you acquire an atristic habit—any craft or skill— without following rules. The art as something which can be taught consists of rules to be followed in operation. The art as something which can be learned and possessed consists of the habit which results from operating according to the rules."

-- How To Read A Book, by Adler Mortimer

---

On other fun things, I have completed Fated To Love You, the korean drama -- and it was overall very lovely and I'm contemplating getting it for my Mum to watch. More importantly, this drama introduced me to the famous and much-loved Jang Hyuk, and now I'm finally compelled to look up his popular historical drama Chuno, which has been raved about numerously before but I just never got around to it.

Anyway, this guy -- ah! The quintessential opposite of the pretty flower boys so famous in Kpop culture today; so manly and guy and rugged good looks, even in a character as nutty as his was in this rom-com. I am not surprised Running Man's Jong Kook and him are best buds -- I imagine them hanging out at the juice bar after working out at the gym or mountain climbing every weekend. HAHA. So crazy fit and that hero-physique --- hello, I am anticipating him as this famous Chuno hero character -- because you know hero archetypes and historical fiction is my real genre, hehe.

Until then, Fated To Love You, thank you for a lovely time and for making me temporarily believe in fairytales again.

September already! :O

I think this blog needs to grow up. Like it needs a new direction or something (or at least a layout change, omg!), but I can't make myself spare the time or the effort to try out anything.

Anyways, finishing up a korean drama (that's sorta distracting me from the mugging for inpatient dysphagia, oops), "Fated to Love You" -- a korean remake of the famous Taiwanese drama I remember watching sporadically back in the youthful undergraduate days; and one of my professors sharing a clip of it in one of my USP modules! ahah.

This has been lovely, and such a fairytale.

Beautiful song:

And I was thinking, laughing to myself: fortunately or unfortunately, life is not a korean drama. 

Nowadays, all I feel like having in the way of entertainment is funny material. Which is why watching Running Man is such a destress-er because it always succeeds in making me laugh out loud.

Such that even when I feel like having a bite of fanfic, I start revisiting one of the funniest fanfiction ever written (honest): Draco Malfoy, The Amazing Bouncing Rat, is so hilarious, I remember the first time I read it, I would fall off my seat and stay laughing on the floor.



A few lines in, and it already wins, hehe:

Draco reviewed the thoughts he had just had and realised he was in dire need of caffeine. Preferably injected straight into the vein. 

I'm a Malfoy, he thought. A creature of the night. This early in the morning is just not on. 


Yes, early morning is not on for me either. I always feel I would function a lot better if we didn't have to wake up so early and drag our feet to work...

ZZZZZZzzzz.

I'm dreading Mondays even more these days because, I'm sure you already realise, there's blasted inpatient training to get through. And it's making life 10 times less enjoyable for me -- because seriously, I know I didn't enter this profession for dysphagia. I wish it wasn't one of the things we did, dang it.

And if I really wanted to rush around in the wards, read through illegible handwriting while figuring out a gazillion acronyms in record speed, and prevent people from dying, I would have become a doctor. This medical scene -- not what I want. Really, really, really. I love language. I love the brain. But I do not love dysphagia -- if some day, I end up actually enjoying any of this, I will be surprised. Specifically, I really do not enjoy the speediness of things. Having to do everything chop-chop. Eeeesh. I'm a slow thinker, I chew on things, I ruminate. This is not my ideal style of work.

Dear God, help me through this period of my life, towards a brighter future. Ganbarou!

Let's tahan a while more, S, because this is just part of paying back a debt and building up a resume.



Also, it's true -- when your days are full of stress and frustration, all you want to do when you finally get time for yourself, is barely anything productive. I honestly hate that -- because I actually have so many ambitions outside of my career, and how do I progress at all if I exhaust myself like this and I don't do anything decent like organize my clutter, progress through Arabic, cultivate a healthy lifestyle, build on my spirituality, or socialise beyond my comfort zone?

I totally had a Running Man binge this weekend -- 3 episodes or thereabouts. I blame it on stress. And of course, my lack of discipline.



My favourite Monday couple vids!

Sloth

One of the seven deadly sins.

Not mere laziness, but a spiritual indifference. A falling out of love with God. That when someone mentions God, you yawn, or you go: Uh, why are we talking about this? Sorry, don't think He's important.

"You can have a person who's busy in the world, but if they're neglectful of God then they're slothful in a spiritual sense. It's a spiritual laziness, it's never thinking about the spiritual path."

-- Shaykh Hamza in the Sonnets

Which is the case with a lot of people and situations, right? Most people don't talk about God.

I realise I love so many of the movies that Robin Williams was ever in, but if I had to choose a favourite, it's Good Will Hunting (although Dead Poet's Society also awesome beyond awesome, how to choose).




Ohmygosh, this scene! I have to cry everytime I watch this:






This may seem incongruous, but my thoughts have been running on:

"Expecto Patronum!" cried Harry.

Nothing happened.

Not a single flicker of light.

When Harry looked up, Remus Lupin was still studying the wand, a rather troubled look on his faintly scarred face.

Finally Remus shook his head. "I'm sorry, Harry," the man said quietly. "Your wandwork was exactly right."

And there wasn't a flicker of light anywhere else, either, because all the other first-years who were supposed to be practicing their Patronus Charms had been glancing out of the corners of their eyes at Harry instead.

The tears were threatening to come back into Harry's eyes, and they weren't happy tears. Of all the things, of all the things, Harry had never expected this.

There was something horribly humiliating about being informed that you weren't happy enough.

-- Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality

I would like to defy this pervasive belief that being sad is shameful, which is how really-sad people become ever isolated and marginalised. I was once very sad, and sometimes I get really sad still, and I'm proud of it. I believe that you cannot feel extreme joy and gratitude, without having felt pain and despair. Seriously, being happy is commonplace; but sadness and tragedy is grand -- because it cultivates the best qualities in humans. Heroes never grow in the lap of luxury, I guarantee you (I can't think of a single instance from my knowledge of fictional heroes, or otherwise). Struggle is an absolute necessity in the making of anything great.

So all those people who get sad, depressed, or struggle in life -- why contemplate exiting life early, when God Is only providing you the circumstances for greatness?

On reflection of previous whiny posts, a reminder from Lymond:

“Today,’ said Lymond, ‘if you must know, I don’t like living at all. But that’s just immaturity boggling at the sad face of failure. Tomorrow I’ll be bright as a bedbug again.” 

― Dorothy Dunnett, The Disorderly Knights

Training going at a slow, steady pace, and I'm living one day at a time. Yoshi!



Ridiculous and random thought maybe -- but I wish I had an older sister. In more recent years, I've come to have slightly older ladies as friends, and I realise of how much value they are. I've never had older girls I really admired until recently; it's silly. I should have befriended more of my seniors back in school.

I came across a book, that ended up feeling like a korean drama series -- because it gripped me through all of its plot meanderings, until it threw me disappointingly off a cliff at the end. So anti-climactic! Ah, it annoys the heck out of me when something isn't wrapped up nicely, and especially when everything that went before was beautiful and moving.

This was a wonderful love story, that hid a splat at the end -- but regardless, left a great impression on me. It reminds me of the famous "The Time Traveller's Wife", but maybe even more intriguing. It tells the story of a man called Daniel, whose soul has lived and died and lived again countless times since 520 A.D., and been the only soul who appears to remember all these past lives. And of course, he remembers the same girl through all the hundreds of years -- while regrettably, the girl does not. Talk about pining of epic proportions.



"One thing I can tell you from my unusual perspective is how powerfully our souls reveal themselves in our faces and bodies. Just sit on a train sometime and look at the people around you. Choose a person's face and study it carefully. All the better if they are old and a stranger to you. Ask yourself what you know about that person, and if you open yourself to the information, you will find you know an overwhelming amount. We naturally guard ourselves from the obvious truths of strangers around us, so be warned. You can get overstimulated and uneasy if you really start to look. One of the skills of living is simplifying as you go, so when you let your guard down, the complexity is troubling. There are certain rare people you find -- usually they are healers or poets or people who work with animals -- who live their lives in this state, and I admire them and sympathize with them, but I am not like them anymore. I've done a lot of simplifying in my life."

-- My Name Is Memory, by Ann Brashares

I've been having a terrible work week.

It's only Week 1, but inpatient training is already sucking my energy, self-esteem, confidence, tenacity, and all my happy vibes, leaving it somewhere within the confusing hallways of the hospital. Beyond ridiculous how many things I have going on all at once right now on top of this mind-wrecking training, like department-wide process improvement projects, planning for SLT week for SHAS, worldwide clinical studies I agreed to help with in the way of language assessments (except M left me almost completely in the dark when she had her baby and passed me the helm, that I am close to screaming at the confusing mess) -- and I keep wishing I could go back in time and tell all those people and projects I said yes to, and say no instead. Choose any one of the projects I do, and it is virtually an entire job scope on its own. To think I do all of them on top of clinical contact time (and today I had a full-schedule) -- PLEASE, IT IS RIDICULOUS.

At the end of today, I got home and was ready to just collapse. Sort of did. Burst into tired tears at one point, because on top of all this nightmare work and feeling like a stunted brain, I was alone at home -- a lonely, pitiful, heartbroken woman with no love prospects, and somewhat a weirdo, and realising she's probably always been one, how is now any different. You know how being in a negative place brings out all your negativity? That's what probably happened.

But luckily.

Being alone also allowed me to kind of let it all out instead of keeping it all in -- yes, I'm not one of those girls who cries on Mummy's lap, or anybody's kindly shoulder. I need alone time so I can stop dissembling for a while. So I let it all out; and prayed, and then things started becoming awesome again.

I came across this (which was what I was trying to get to this whole time, ahak). Seriously, this is so brilliant, I am not exaggerating in the least!

This is a lengthy lecture by Jeffrey Lang; it is basically a mathematician's approach to understanding about God and Islam. The way he passionately brings the audience through his philosophical conundrums, and then wrapped it all up into a beautiful, succinct perspective of the meaning of life he thus gained from the Qura'an -- as expected of a mathematician. A beautiful, balanced equation.

He made it so clear -- "Why we do we suffer?", "Why do we have to make difficult choices? Why can't we just be programmed to do good?", "Why is life so difficult!!!"

That my night turned completely around -- life is difficult because God loves us all, and wants us to be awesome. (:

Alhamdulillah.

This is so good!

History should really be examined so that we don't keep doing the same stupidity.

 

The saddest thing about the world today is really the fragmentation of our Muslim community. 

And we can bitch about injustice in the world; the jihad of this time however appears to be not to fight the doubtless present evils, but to first unite amongst ourselves, and to bring love back to this deen.

For me, I have learnt and discovered that we have Muslims, 

and then we have Muslims who truly love the Prophet s.a.w..

The difference between the two can be stark 

-- no way would you harm or disturb an innocent soul
if you have the Prophet s.a.w. in your heart.

Ya Allah, 

I strive to begin every endeavour with You as its destination 

and Your Beloved Rasulullah s.a.w. as its guiding light.

 Selamat Hari Raya!

We stopped over at Qiaonan amidst our jalan raya to take photos! 

before our beloved primary school is gone forever.

This raya has been a bit of a downer -- for clear reasons (really, aren't we being quite terrible with all this celebrating while the bombing in Gaza goes on forever? sigh). But for some other reasons too: like the fact that I have got a bad cold and really don't feel like eating much at all (which is probably a good thing, haha). And that I have inpatient training starting this coming week, which means a steep uphill climb and future stress of passing my paediatric dysphagia competency.

And that I have been feeling more starkly in recent times how much of a weirdo I am. But thank goodness I had Jean, who tried to convince me that you know, it's better to be a weirdo and be made aware of certain things; and that she believes I'm really just different in a good way.

After much mulling over these few days, I've come up with this: 

dear God, if you would make me weird, please make me brave.

Actually --

Please make all the souls fighting for justice and for their lives in Gaza brave and patient and strong. And please let help be at hand.

I'm not sure how much scarier this is supposed to get. 

Hilarious! an excellent parody for outing hypocrisy that is the media.

This show is addictive.

What's new about this current Israel-Palestinian conflict, I ask you.


Nothing.

It's been happening consistently, and has been repeated every year.

The only difference it seems is that, thanks to the wonderful double-edged sword that is the internet, information is becoming increasingly, freely available. People, if they so choose, can work around propaganda and dig up the truth for themselves -- and then they can decide where their hearts should lie.

All that has happened recently only confirms and reinforces some things to me (as it should to you):

-- that mainstream media is mostly lying (duh, I have long learnt this)

-- that the big world leaders regardless of who or where are almost always corrupted and devoid of real honour; there are some politicians who speak out for truth e.g. Chile, George Galloway -- but the shakers and movers, the ones who can actually maybe make things happen? none. Singapore? hopeless; more apparent than any other nation, money is priority, so let's take care of our backs first. United States of America? Completely and utterly in consort with evil. Saudi? so knee deep in evil that they decide to be evil too; it's too late to turn back. Egypt? all self-centred political agenda and not enough sincerity and iman to bring any real efforts for peace to fruition. United Kingdom? pretend to be a better player than big bully US, but actually was the original consort of evil. Israel? an evil institution whose creation if you ever bothered to learn has no basis whatsoever in rationality or humanity.

-- that it is indeed the end of times ):

-- that all I can seem to do is pray, and even that I do inconsistently ):

-- okay, you can do some things to campaign against the Palestinian siege, like boycotting Israeli products; there's an app called Buycott that helps you identify which products to avoid just by scanning its barcode! very cool. and you can offer monetary aid to the victims. Because even if none of this achieves much (and when the violence dies down we start to forget), at least we try to do what Nabi s.a.w. told us -- that if we see evil or wrongdoing, we attempt to oppose it with our hands, and if we aren't able to do that, to do it with our tongues; and if even that is not possible, to condemn it within our hearts

-- that we all need to increase in faith even more to counter the scary world we live in today, full of fitnah and challenges.

I really hope that the Eid prayers this year has a good doa for all the suffering that's been happening.

This is amusing! Until you realise the world really is in a terrible state. D:

I had an inpatient child for therapy today -- one of those social cases; kids that have been abandoned and now have become semi-villagers in the hospital (i.e. staying in the wards for extended periods). Kids like this make my heart ache, and make me feel like maybe I should stay in the hospital indefinitely, instead of having grand plans for exiting the public system some day.

I played with her some; and her communication is fine, if slightly delayed. Near the end, she was desperately trying to tell us what she wanted but started bursting into tears, when nobody could understand her. Then she rushed to me and laid her face in my lap and started sobbing away -- until I figured out, oh my goodness, she wanted a handphone. At which, I still had to tell her, no, of course. Which set her off again -- until the play therapist and I managed to get her to calm down with star stickers. Then the awesome play therapist took her for a little walk all around the ward. And when I waved goodbye to her, all she did was stare.

I then realised why my colleagues always jokingly talk about adopting our hospital villagers. 

So many kids around the world, who actually deserve so much more -- don't get me started on those horrifying pictures of Palestinian children all over our screens.

I'm sorry that I have nothing to offer, but my prayers. But kids, stay happy, and play hard. Indeed, God is Your Protector.

---

On a lighter note, I did this hilarious and fun activity with my sister last night:

OTP challenge! 

(Source from hawkghei.tumblr)

Pick your 10 top OTPs without reading the questions

1. Lymond and Philippa (The Lymond Chronicles)

2. Yamapi and Maki

3. Draco and Ginny (Draco Trilogy)

4. Kang Gary and Song Ji Hyo (Running Man)

5. Richard and Kahlan (The Legend of the Seeker)

6. Domyouji and Makino (Hana Yori Dango) / Jun and Mao

7. Logan and Veronica (Veronica Mars)

8. Peter Parker and Mary Jane 

9. Michael and Maria (Roswell)

10. Michael and Sara (Prison Break)

Questions

1. Do you remember the episode/scene/chapter that you first started shipping 6?

Uh, since the start of the first episode. After I got over how nuts Domyouji was HAHAHA. And I love Makino to pieces, funny and adorable girl.

2. Have you ever read a FanFiction about 2?

Yes, it was my first foray into real-people fiction. Gave me the chills, initially, doing so. But Yamaki was thriving way back then, especially on heat-up-JE on livejournal.

3. Has a picture of 4 ever been your screen saver/profile picture/tumblr?

HAHA very recently I reblogged something about them on Tumblr, I think.

4. If 7 were to suddenly break-up today, what would your reaction be?

NO. They just got back together, damn it, in the movie.

5. Why is 1 so important?

BECAUSE THEY ARE EPIC. The suffering, the pain, the years of knowing each other and growing, the awesomeness of each of them trying to come together to make more awesomeness -- and all of that written in amazing prose. I'd like to see someone try and beat that.

6. Is 9 a funny ship or a serious ship?

Sorta both? Back when I loved Roswell, I thought Max/Liz was uber tedious but Michael/Maria was exciting as frak, and hilarious too. Although they did have their serious moments later in the seasons too, when the alien-human-forbidden-love thing came to a head.

7. Out of all of the ships listed, which ship has the most chemistry?

Yamapi and Maki -- because have you seen them on screen properly back in the day? Ridiculous! Sparks left, right, and center! And because chemistry is mostly a physical thing, I can't say much on my number 1 (since it's all in text). I swear to you, we need to put Yamapi and Maki in the same drama again for the sparks to fly a second time; Japan TV, please get a clue.

8. Out of all of your ships listed, which ship has the strongest bond?

I guess this should be Lymond and Philippa -- like I mentioned, they knew each other, for about 10 years, in all kinds of crazy and dangerous hijinks. Sacrificed for each other, loved each other's families, almost died many times while in trouble together, defeated psycho enemies together...

9. How many times have you read/watched 10’s fandom?

Ah crap, not much at all, honestly. I was running out of ideas by number 10. But I did watch a few fanvids -- don't think I could find any good fics back then.

10. Which ship has lasted the longest?

Errr, Draco/Ginny, I suppose -- because I discovered that when I was ~15 years old, and still hold a fondness for them. 

11. How many times, if ever, has 6 broken up?

Was it once? When Domyouji was in New York and then started ++ignoring Makino and then declares he can't be with her cause he's too important and busy (and his life will just be bad for her etc etc) -- psycho boy.

12. If the world was suddenly thrust into a zombie apocalypse, which ship would make it out alive, 2 or 8?

HAHA obviously Number 8 because damn, the dude is Spiderman. Yamapi only has a what -- green belt in karate...?

13. Did 7 ever have to hide their relationship for any reason??

Uh yes, I think, especially in the beginning -- cause everyone thought they were supposed to hate each other; and the fact that they needed to figure out murder mysteries.

14. Is 4 still together?

UHHHHHH -- I hope they're together, haha (though in real life, no, cause Ji Hyo is apparently dating someone else). Monday couple still meets every Monday… and there's hope.

15. Is 10 canon?

Yes. I did not officially finish the whole drama, but I heard they had a kid together, though Michael died.

16. If all 10 ships were put into a couple’s Hunger Games, which couple would win?

Richard and Kahlan! Because both of them are powerful -- Richard has his sword of truth and Kahlan can enslave practically anyone with her touch. 

17. Has anybody ever tried to sabotage 5’s ship?

Yes -- themselves! HAHA. And Zed. Kahlan was afraid she would ruin Richard because of her powers blah blah blah and so wants to protect him from her blah blah… So they had to keep it platonic for a very long while.

18. Which ship would you defend to the death and beyond?

1, Lymond/Philippa -- for clear reasons. EPIC. (Although Logan and Veronica come a close second). I almost considered Yamapi/Maki but the both of them are hopeless, I give up.

19. Do you spend hours a day going through 3’s tumblr page?

No. This was an OTP of my teenage days, mostly. I am still fond of them, but I don't stare at pictures, no. -.-

 20. If an evil witch descended from the sky and told you that you had to pick one of the ten ships to break up forever or else she’d break them all forever, which ship would you sink?

MIchael and Maria -- because actually I think it might not work because, er, inter-species? I think it spells ++possible problems in the future, haha. Plus, Michael got a bit irritating in later seasons and treated Maria atrociously, if I recall correctly.

And in light of this, further amusing OTP discussions abound! haha.

HAHA, behold the new ship, ShoYujie.

I actually really like this papparazi-ed photo of us from Pigey's wedding, 

looking quite conspiratorial.

Looking at this, I wish I was 16 again. In a lot of ways, I am glad I am grown. 

But I do miss life just being simpler.

And us being... daily friends.

---

I have come to realise that big ideas are equal parts exciting and scary. 

The important bit is deciding which part you let win you over.

Hm.

Happy Ramadhan!

And this is wonderful:

Over the years, I have become more and more sensitive to people saying things like this -- "She's just like a typical girl!", "Women are so emotional.", "Men can do it better." -- and people accuse me of being an extreme feminist. Which to me, is like someone saying I'm being an extreme Muslim. What.

What do you mean.

Are you saying I should concede that women do suck in some things? Are you saying I have to agree that some part of my religion is bad and should be quietly forgotten? -- no, I will not. 

Especially when you phrase it as an insult and try to make me accept that it's truth.

A stereotype is a stereotype is a stereotype! is a lie.

Goes for any other type of stereotyping as well -- that men are insensitive;  which only gives them an excuse to be so. That Malays are lazy -- again giving them an excuse to blame their culture/blood/genes on the reasons they waste vast amounts of time in un-productivity. That Chinese are greedy -- when I have met the most considerate and thoughtful Chinese friends in my life. Please, let's stop generalizing.

Like Walt Whitman said, 

"Be curious, not judgmental."

And someone will accuse me of being idealistic next.

Cliched as it is, past experience of terrible-ness helps buffer the anxiety, hurt, and fear of current terrible-ness. And you can live life thinking, this too shall pass, and amount to nothing one day.

Memories make a person mature emotionally.

-- Sybil, Flora Rheta Schreiber

I don't have the time to dig into the reasons why, but I realise I don't really like the me who doesn't blog. So. I am blogging tonight! (Maybe it's my resistance against aging, which apparently correlates to fewer blog posts -- I don't know.)

General updates:

-- I recently started on Emergency Couple, the drama with Choi Jin Hyuk and Song Ji Hyo, both of whom I like; and it's been HILARIOUS. Omg, finallllllly, a Korean drama that I like after quite a dearth. Basically, it's a hate-love rom-com but in the ER department of a hospital, and the couple are ex-spouses. So funny, I'm loving it. And because it's our lovely Mong JiHyo from Runnning Man, they have to have some Running Man-cameo -- and they brought Gary in!

I have so much love for Running Man.



The last time when Song Joong Ki was in a drama, Gwang Soo totally did his squeaky robot dance from Running Man as well. Haha! Love love love.




-- OMG, THAT MOTH JUST ENTERED OUR HOUSE.

-- Less than a week to Ramadhan! Is this the reason for my behaviour; a last hurrah? :P

-- WORK IS SPEEDY INSANE. There's always so much work, it is craaaaazay. And I get so used to just opening and shutting my door, kid after kid, in a day -- it's just, what the heck -- exhausting. And notes, notes, notes. And projects! ohmygod. Why are we always so ambitious. The disease continues into the working world -- always trying to do too much and compromising on quality.

-- I still have the kitchen to clean so

good night!

(:

Happy Nisfu Syaaban!



The horror of being so busy -- seriously so so busy with work and other stuffs -- that I don't write much anymore. It makes me sad. I need to organize my time a bit better. I feel like when I haven't read or written in a long time, I lose some sense of my self.




Came across this tonight:



We build for the next world, not this world. We are builders for the akhirah.

When I asked what a demon was, Ruen jumped up and started shadow boxing in front of the mirror on the back of my bedroom door.

"Demons are like superheroes," he said between jabs, "Humans are like maggots."

 I was still sitting on the floor. I'd lost our game of chess. Ruen had let me take all his pawns and bishops and then checkmated me with just his king and queen.

"Why are humans like maggots?" I asked.

He stopped boxing and turned to me. I could see the mirror through him so I kept my gaze on that rather than look him in the face, because his black eyes made my stomach feel funny.

"It's not your fault your mum gave birth to you," he said, and started doing star jumps. Because he's like a ghost his jumps looked like scribbles in the air.

"But why are humans maggots?" I asked. Unlike humans, maggots look like crawling fingernails and they live at the bottom of our wheelie bin.

"Because they're stupid," he said, still jumping.

"How are humans stupid, then?" I said, standing up.

He stopped jumping and looked at me. HIs face was angry.

"Look," he said, and held out his hand towards me. "Now put yours on top of mine."

I did. You couldn't see the floor through mine.

"You have a body," he said. "But you'll probably waste it, everything you can do with it. Just like free will. It's like giving a Lamborghini to an infant."

"So you're jealous, then?" I asked, because a Lamborghini is a really cool car that everyone wants.

"A baby driving a sportscar would be a bad idea, wouldn't it? Somebody needs to step in, stop the kid from doing more damage than it needs to."

"So demons look after babies, then?" I said.

He looked disgusted. "Don't be ridiculous."

"What do they do, then?"

And then he gave me his Alex Is Stupid look. It's when he smiles with only half his mouth and his eyes are small and hard and he shakes his head as if I'm a disappointment. It's the look that makes my stomach knot and my heart beat faster because deep down I know I am stupid.

"We try and help you see past the lie."

I blinked. "What lie?"

"You all think you're so important, so special. It's a fallacy, Alex. You're nothing."

-- rereading "The Boy Who Could See Demons", Carolyn Jess-Cooke

Not currently reading Lymond, but found an excellent blog:

It isn’t an easy to series to get into, because within the first pages you encounter that odd sensation of having to really think, just to figure out what’s going on. As Lymond and his Machiavellian schemes unroll with stunning precision, so the reading experience becomes a quest to connect the dots and apply your mind to the riddle of the subtext.

from annacowan

Ah, thinking is exhausting. I have subconsciously created barriers in my mind to demarcate 'dangerous' topics or areas... Like, no, you do not want to think down this route because there lies pain. Or, if you open this corner of your mind you will be lost for at least an hour. I think also have a Lymond store room, which if anything is a lovable, confusing, interesting mess of a room I often visit but stare at in loving exasperation. How do I figure you out, you great story, you.

For someone who claims to be the more introspective sort of person, inclined to lonesome-ness and reflection... lately I've been doing everything but, be still and reflective.

It's been hard to get some proper breathing space. I'm not hating on anything -- in fact, it's been good. Weekdays that fly by with work and project planning (we're going Medan again soon -- yayness), and busy weekends and busy social/family life. One of the Datins complains how I'm like a socialite. But there's some part of me that craves proper solitude. Like real, just walking, and staying by myself solitude.

I am wondering if this makes me a strange woman, person.

Honestly, right now, I'm looking forward to the lonely nights in the hotel in Medan. To soak in a hot tub and stay quiet and uninterrupted. And just think.

I am sad with the world tonight.

It appears that people are generally disposed to meanness and negativity. And are not ready to be open and honest and forgiving and gentle and kind. Kindness -- truly the most underrated trait in the world. The funny thing is, I do think the much-overlooked kindness is the key to implementing real-world solutions.

Or maybe I really am one of those blur, gullible sotongs -- the world just doesn't work this way.

This should be kept as a reminder:

I really feel like I should have designated times of the day when my phones and computers are completely off. And also have a time limit or something. :(

April ends and I am older now

It's been a great birthday week!

:)

Alhamdulillah for all the blessings. 

Birthday dinner with the family, 

and really awesome and girly presents. 

(I think I have had the best presents this year!)

(LINE camera is superb with the editing --)

 I was also out my Arabic-class friends to celebrate --

And then dinner at an expensive French restaurant with my friend since forever:

The world makes it appear like a woman can only be sadder as she grows older; 

but that has not been my experience of life thus far. 

Every year it seems like I'm learning and finding new ways to be happy 

-- and that only makes sense, doesn't it? 

The longer you live in this world, 

the more you realise you have to be thankful for.

I'm afraid I'm going to sound bitchy in this post. :( and I'll probably regret it.

Oh noes, how terrible -- but I feel compelled this moment to give this rant space.



So, occasionally, I have bouts of wanting to make myself pretty -- being a girl and all, right. It usually coincides with having acquired some exorbitantly-priced shawl or some other piece of clothing. And then I go hunt for a way to wear my shawl; and recently, this made me stumble across make-up videos. And being a minimal make-up girl with zero experience, what I saw just made me drop my jaw. The amount of effort people go to! I mean, seriously! For everyday supposed basic looks. And the amount of... how should I put it, fakeness. That's what gets me.

It's like -- people end up looking so different. I suppose this is what people mean by there are no ugly girls, only lazy ones (like me, meh). But I feel annoyed by it! There are these people who with make-up have amazing eyebrows, enlarged eyes, high noses, high cheekbones -- and I'm like, >:\ hello, fake! Like, how do we appreciate real beauty then? Like okay, you see a gorgeous lady right, and then you see her again after she washes her face and you go, Ehhhh, where did that face go? Don't you feel cheated??? I feel cheated, and I'm a girl. I don't know then about the men whose women wear make-up to look gorgeous. Honestly, I feel like asking around to do a survey, haha. Do you like it? Do you want it? And then at home when you see your wife she has a different face after a bath? HAHA. This reminds me of a Japanese variety show once of a man who reportedly had not ever seen his wife without make-up because she never went around without it, even at home. (This behaviour is probably bordering on disease.)

I think I may have had a related discussion with my sister on this -- where we were thinking there should be a distinction between being beautiful and being excellent at grooming yourself. A beautiful individual even if dragged in the mud and wearing a sack would still look beautiful, right? And beauty does not really fade with age; you just become an older, beautiful person. (An excellent example I've recently revisited is Keanu Reeves, heheh). Youth gives everyone a false perception of beauty, I feel. Youth, and style. And make-up, apparently.

Anyway, haiyah, I think I should stop this ridiculous and pointless train of thought on outward beauty. It's sad though, how women go on about trying to be pretty -- because, what's that line -- Women work on their looks, not their brains, because they know men are stupid, not blind. Ahahah. Hopefully, not all men.

Favourite kid from the clinic this week goes to...


(while I do a standard language assessment)

Me: This man teaches. He is a teacher. This man sings, he is a... ?

Kid: ... Cowboy!



>.<

HAHA.

I can't -- I just, I can't do work at home. I can't! Not to mention I have a splitting headache. How do other people seem to do it. I keep bringing back reports to write but I just can't bring myself to look at them.

Completely random, but I really have no energy to be coherent.

Also been catching up with Supes Season 9, and when I look back on the Winchesters from Season 1 

-- I'm like, ohmygosh, you guys were so young!

I feel like I'm growing old(er) with the Winchesters.

too exhausted to write!

though I do have something I was thinking about on the way home tonight...

Is it okay to have biases? Or is it the dangerous slippery slope to being discriminatory and prejudiced? Is bias in fact equivalent to prejudice?

Dictionary.com says so:

bias: 

a particular tendency or inclination, especially one that prevents unprejudiced consideration of a question; prejudice.

But don't we all have biases? For instance, I have realised I have a clear bias for people who read. I realise I value their opinions more. Does that make me a bigot against people who don't read? Does that make me a snob?

:O

bigot:

a person who is utterly intolerant of any differing creed, belief, or opinion.

Define intolerant.

I think this is a topic that needs a revisit at another time.

I've been mulling over this wonderful quote recently, and thinking how lovely it is.

If you have a choice to be right or to be compassionate; choose being compassionate over being right. When you are compassionate, you are always right.

Shaykh Muhammad Bin Yahya

I recently re-read the famous article by Dorothy Sayers, The Lost Tools of Learning, because I've started on Mortimer Adler's How to Read A Book. And I keep wishing I had all the time in the world just to sit and study and be with books, and knowledge. I'm not really complaining, honest; I think my job is good most days. But my dream situation would be me with my books in a tower, and me surfacing to do therapy on a maximum of two or three clients a day. Haha! Because even with my kids, I like having the time to analyse cases.

But I suppose that would be quite selfish. Hummmm.

Just because!

This is Maki, who grows ever gorgeous (and has apparently learnt to sound good speaking in English!), and because it's Japan. I wonder if I will ever see you again, Nihon, much as I love you.

And these five guys who will go down in entertainment history as the best friends on tv ever.
(unless it's all orchestrated, of course, which would break hearts all over Japan and beyond)

---

There came one and knocked at the door of the Beloved. 
And a voice answered and said, 'Who is there?' 
The lover replied, 'It is I.' 
'Go hence,' returned the voice; 'there is no room within for thee and me.' 
Then came the lover a second time and knocked 
and again the voice demanded, 'Who is there?' 
He answered, 'It is thou. 
'Enter,' said the voice, 'for I am within.

— Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Something that I realise gives light to what I posted previously from Lymond:

I am thou thy selfe.

Favourite line from today: "Car is so cool."

When your kid can't say much, and he says that -- ohmygod, GOLD.

---

Been listening more to Tim Winters's lectures (mostly cause I have exhausted every inch of cyberspace that is related to Shaykh Hamza), and had a nice reminder:

The believer is happy in the moment. La khaufun 'alaihim wa laa hum yahzanun. He does not fear the future, nor does he grieve the past.

I think that shall be my running mantra for the rest of this year.

---


LYMOND SPOILERS


I don't know if it's cause I'm much older or what, but the subtle yet insane romance in Checkmate is killing me.

It's to the point of ridiculousness!



Their letters to each other for instance.

Francis's letter to Philippa ends with,

"I have tried not to reach you, in this way or another, by any disfiguring sentiment. You know, I think, that my feelings on this are quite different.

I am thou thy selfe."


And Philippa ends her reply to that letter with,

"I have told you the work of my hands. The place of my thoughts you may know by now. For yours, the doors of this kingdom is open by day and by night if you will lend them to me."


It's like, it is not apparent at first how in love they are, but heck, are you listening to what they're saying to each other? It's ridiculous how romantic it is! They keep up appearances too -- he tells her what's happening in the battlefield, what needs to be done etc etc and she tells him what's happening on the estate etc etc and then, they simply finish their letters like that. RIDICULOUS; it makes me want to clutch my head in incredulity. This is how gorgeous and beautiful romance is written, people! It's in the subtleties and the little things.

I badly need to finish this book so I can stop this sap. Beautiful sap, but sap still.

I should have a favourite line of the week from my days in the clinic. This past week (before I caught my first flu bug this year from my germ-infested kiddies -- dang, it was a good flu-free stretch I was having), my favourite comes from one of my long-time clients (wah, I can have long-time clients already -- how long have I been doing therapy again?) who was struggling to string a request and ended up saying:

"May I... giraffe?"

I totally just laughed, so cute! Mummy also laughed with me. Both of us wanted her to say something other than her standard "I want ____" which she is too good at already; she started off well with her "May I..." and then she paused and stared at me with her great, big eyes. I could see her searching for the words but then she just heck care, and said the important word -- giraffe! -- for the giraffe puzzle piece I was withholding. At least she knows how to be functional, hehe.

Oh it's work, and mostly I don't want so much work, but some kiddies are wonderful to have.

What a lovely analogy.

 and it's a wrap on the March weddings! phew. 

:)

We insisted at the end of the night that we take a photo in our classic-4 formation, haha.

Pigey, may you live a happy future with your beloved husband!

it's been ~13 years? to more life milestones together!

---

this! is very very true sometimes, Alhamdulillah.

I met up with a friend (acquaintance? when does a friend become defined as one? this topic is fit for another post, so I shall stop digressing) yesterday.

She made me think about some things. Like the fact that it is really a brave and awesome thing, to fight against one's ego, one's lower emotions, and stick to what is noble and true. You become truly beautiful by it. Because it is always far too easy to cower, to flee, or to rage -- and even if you did, people would go, Oh well, no wonder, such-and-such happened, duh! But if you give up your right to be hurt or angry or upset, you become something so wonderful and so inspiring.

And you wonder why more people don't do it. Be this kind of beauty.


---



Reading Checkmate turns me into a complete... sap, for lack of better word.

I have decided there is honestly nothing more romantic and heart-rending than what is in Checkmate. Thank goodness for all the five books previous for their other themes, because this much beautiful romance for all six volumes would have turned my brain into utter mush. I literally have to clutch my chest when I read these bits over -- because so gorgeous, heart-thudding, and sad at the same time.


From the beginning, intuition had told him not to touch her, and intuition had kept him from speech which would define, like a cobweb in dew, the invisible thing that had happened. His love showed itself as the air does, by its infinite space and the life-giving properties of its presence. 

Nothing like reflecting on the state of this ummah 

to get my head out of my own personal and petty difficulties.

This documentary -- about the relatively recent Arab spring/Egyptian revolution, thanks to my brother's Netflix subscription, was what we watched this afternoon, 

and which subsequently led to our bitching about the state of governments 

and the level of corruption in this world.

Subhanallah, this gets me so angry. I can't imagine myself working in any field to do with human rights and politics, and not transforming into a crazy zealot, seeing the injustice of it all. Like these human rights lawyers who work internationally and try to persecute for war crimes -- they are quite literally heroes. Fortunately, I work at the ground level, one-on-one with individuals, and their health/education problems. If I had to constantly deal with corporations and institutions and simply put, evil and power-hungry entities -- I think I might self-combust from anger. My heart couldn't possibly take it. Not that we can indefinitely escape the effects of problematic institutions that rule our lives.

It's a conundrum.

He was right. He had already trodden this path and found it barred: he knew the landscape and was already, in his pain, accustomed to it. It was she, blinded by the brightness of the flame, who could not yet believe that there was no way of dwelling in it.

-- Checkmate

This book is a giant quotable.

Here is non hoom. Here nis but wildernesse.

"Do you know, Philippa, what an unsuitable match is? It isn't the kind I shall have with Catherine d'Albon, or even the kind you will make with young Allendale. When one human being is trapped in the net of another's grand passion: then it comes about; and it is tragedy."

- Checkmate

Damn my need to understand things.


On real life: Need to be genki tomorrow -- 8 kids scheduled and it's the March holidays! Which means there's a likelihood they will all turn up and I will need to be on high gear for 8 hours straight.