Sometimes. I realise how my 21-year-old self still harbours my 14-year-old insecurities. It's upsetting. It's like, you know, you thought you've grown up, for good. That you're happy with yourself and the way you are. And then stupid little things happen. And you discover that, crap, you might never have changed at all. Times like these, I wonder if people can change, or we're all destined to be who we are the day we're born.

On something else weird: People apparently like to ask me, "Where are you from?" And I think I give them the 'are-you-kidding-me' face and say in an incredulous tone, "I'm from Singapore." Like two of my biophysics tutor asked me that. Either it is an extremely rare thing to have Singaporeans doing physics or biophysics or walking around the S12 building of science, OR, their concept of Singaporean = Chinese. My tutor ridiculously added, after I told him that I was Singaporean, "Oh, you sound American." @_@ I was completely surprised (and a little affronted), I tell you. And I self-consciously checked if I was unwittingly imitating Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton or something, but seriously, why would I even?! It is an appalling concept for me to even WANT to do such a thing because America is one of my least favourite countries in the world (for a myriad range of reasons). If I'd accidentally spouted Japanese or something, it'd be more understandable.

OHMYGOD. Will Smith and Jodie Foster on KAT-TUN. Will Smith was so sporting and so funny. He's great. But then Jin interviewed Jodie Foster, IN ENGLISH, and I was so scared for him. He looked the most nervous I'd ever seen him! He was stiff as a board and while Jodie Foster was being nice and accomodating, the atmosphere was still weird as hell. He was just too nervous, so far removed from his cocky self. Ah, it was excruciating! But Jin's accent was surprisingly nice and he spoke decent English. All the time in the US helped, apparently.

I feel so exhausted. -_- September is turning out tougher than I'd expected. Ramadhan always entails more work - with the food, then the night prayers. And the waking up early. And coupled with all the last minute assignments due before the university recess = brain chaos. My eyes feel like lead. My back is starting to ache more often. And I'm starting to feel more anxious. It's just. NOT HEALTHY. I'm thinking now of the nice sweet times just before the start of semester, when me and eunice went cycling in the morning at east coast, when emotions were high and I was pumped for the future. But now. All I want is a respite again. And looking at incomprehensible greek symbols (Shweta and me have ascertained that we'd be somewhat masters of the Greek alphabet by the end of this sem) in math and biophysics has made me feel like everything is difficult again, and life is harder than ever, and my future is scary as hell. And like sometimes, I think: Why am I doing this? Can I actually go on like this? Ah! I seriously don't need more self-doubt.

NEWS' new single 'Happy Birthday' is out. I have very lukewarm feelings towards it, both song and PV. It lacks punch. And hello, the pv is like so cheapskate please. -_- Cartoon cats and chickens and them in rather bland white suits, I feel. And just: Yamapi's hair! >.< That perm needs to go asap. Also, I have a feeling this single won't go to number one. I haven't been keeping track though.

And I just found out @_@!!!! Jiawen is going to Taipei for the Arashi concert! >.< ohmygoodness. How exciting. Talk about crazy fan behaviour HAHA. I told her to sms me when she's looking at Nino live.

Also, been watching Lost in Austen in teeny bits, due to shortage of time. I watched two parts of episode 2 last night, and the part where Amanda sang Downtown to entertain the Bingleys and Darcy TOTALLY cracked me up. It was uberly hilarious. Bingley's face was torn between admiration and bewilderment, and Darcy just looked confused. I think I quite like Amanda, the girl who gets transported to the world of Pride and Prejudice. And this spells well for the show because my love for any show is highly dependent on how much I like the leading lady. Well, with the exception of Supernatural. :P There being no leading lady in it.

okay, night calls.

I've decided to chronicle a little of this year's Ramadhan, since my family always has gatherings on Saturdays to break fast together. But then I stupidly forgot to bring my camera to Cik Nah's place yesterday! Bodoh!

Speaking of which, when we were going home after yesterday's gathering, and saying our goodbyes at Cik Nah's house door, there was this flying creature. This flying creature turned out to be a cockroach. @_@ At which my sis and me screamed and I tried to hide behind my grandmother, and my aunts refused to budge out the door, and I'm pretty sure the neighbours were at the very least, annoyed. >.< It was so funny. I like made a mad dash for the lift lobby while one of the boys, Amir allegedly, stamped the cockroach to death. It never ceases to amuse me how these pesky creatures can create mayhem within a split second.

These are pics from the first Ramadhan weekend, 6th Sept 08, @ Cik An's place, Telok Kurau.

This is why Ramadhan rocks.

Bubu back from Qatar!

Porridge! And my granny's never-fail sambal goreng.

Our array of scrumptious food.

Popiah!!! One without the super-hot sambal for weak tastebuds and one with. At one point, Cik Dah and me were fighting over the last few pieces of popiah, but then luckily there were some more. :P

Getting ready for terawih.

Granny and me.

I like this photo! Caught my sister's expression nicely. Amused by all the banter.

And then the lepak-ing after terawih.

Toodles.

Semester time is not a good time for blogging. I need inspiration for writing. And being bogged down by worries of assignments and lack of grasp of module concepts is far from conducive for inspiration. All I feel like doing sometimes is keyboard smashing in frustration or something. I just. Feel. Tired.

This is where a break into song would be appropriate: I want to break free. I want to break free! You know. That song. Okay, nevermind.

At the back of my mind, I keep thinking how I want to sit down and blog properly. You know, some nice honest from the heart ponderings. But for that, timing is crucial! Now ain't the time. With Ramadhan, I just feel constantly sleepy, and it's maddening because hell, now's the time to do more good, not to grumble about lack of time and fatigue and frustrations. oh gah. I need to shut up.

So anyway, since I figured my mood isn't all good, I'm going to do less with the words for now and more with pics or random fan postings.

And today, I found something interesting from kamika's blog: a new British show called Lost in Austen, about a Pride-and-Prejudice-obsessed girl who got transported into the world of the book and meets the Bennets and Bingley and Darcy and all of them. It's quite amusing. I say, there is no end to the Austen obsession.

Link to the first episode here. If you feel like checking it out, do it QUICK! Because you never know when youtube will rip it off.

Am becoming frazzled over my protein ISM paper. Getting to writing the first word down is the hardest part! gah. I don't know how to start. :( Sometimes I wish for a brainless job.

Am talking to duckie. And we're reminiscing a little on our long friendship and past fiascos. Apparently, I've always been known as the Queen of Emotional Outbursts. I really can't help myself. Don't know why I'm like this imploding volcano everytime. Grumble grumble grumble dan kaboom! Gosh. I should strive to be more zen. Deep breaths. Don't get too excited over things.

Gosh. Me and duck are talking deep things. Like true loves. And never being too happy with second best. And relationship issues. And finding happiness. And just. why is life so perplexing.

We were hypothesising how if one of us gets left behind while the rest get attached, wouldn't it be depressing, we'd have no one to rant to:

[Yu Jie] says:
who will i sms?!?!??!
so OTP it hurts says:
I hope none of us gets left behind!
so OTP it hurts says:
:(
so OTP it hurts says:
JUST SMS ME.
so OTP it hurts says:
I dont care about my bf okay.
so OTP it hurts says:
I lvoe you.
so OTP it hurts says:
~love
[Yu Jie] says:
aw
[Yu Jie] says:
but... what if he were yamapi?!?!?!?!?
[Yu Jie] says:
don't regret your words... :'D
so OTP it hurts says:
EVEN IF.
so OTP it hurts says:
HAHA
[Yu Jie] says:
REALLY!!!

:P

I'm just loving this song right now.

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
we´re just one big family
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I'm saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
ah, la one big family ([2nd time:] ah, la happy family)
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won't hesitate no more
Oh no more no more no more
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved, I'm sure
Theres no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No I won't hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours, I'm yours
~ Jason Mraz, I'm Yours

This is really random but I saw some strangely dressed people in the train today. I tried not to look too amused though. One was a girl dressed in a frilly black and red dress, with matching black net stockings and red shoes to boot. And black and white patterned nails. She looked like she was from some cosplay event. Maybe she was. And next to her, was this guy, who actually wore a decent-looking white, hooded shirt but, for some reason, he reminded me so much of L from Death Note, I just wanted to laugh. He had his hood up over his head, and kept his fringe nicely arranged across his forehead. It was the way he seemed to be subtly bopping to some phantom music (I checked; he had no earphones on!) that made him seem like in his own world or something. And the way he sat, like he was perching, although his feet were on the floor, made me think of L too.

Watched HYD movie yesterday. (Abah allowed us to go despite it being Rmaadhan. He said: "Just this once!") The movie satisfied the fans, I think. Thoroughly. The premise was crazy and ridiculous and there was a bit of lameness in some parts, but overall, nyaaaaa. :) It was a fuzzy, heartwarming finale with beloved characters returning and Tsukasa and Tsukushi being so adorably funny together. I laughed really hard at some parts, which makes me glad. Seriously, Tsukasa is so idiotically and crappily random, it's hilarious. I still don't get a line he said to Rui, when Rui was talking to Tsukushi: something along the lines of, "Don't get too close or she'll catch your spaciness!" Naturally, Rui went, "Hah?" Everybody went, "Hah?" I'm still going Hah! I don't get it. >.< Tsukasa's logic is so skewed. <3 Loved it.

It's the fourth week of sem. And things are approaching a lull. In other words, my jiayou feelings and enthusiasm has started to dip, and I'm starting to push work to the side again. :s It's so hard to stay hardworking. I wish I had a button to switch off my daydreaming and my distractions, so I can focus on work. Discipline! Where art thou! And really, it's not that I absolutely hate what I'm studying. It's tough, but I don't dislike it. In fact, once I do get into the mood of perusing my texts, I do get absorbed in them. It's just that maybe... they aren't interesting enough? Or maybe I have a lifelong mild ADD (attention-deficit disorder) or stg, and I can't help but want to jump from one thing to another.

Anyway, in relation to this here's a cute icon I stole from somewhere:


on other things:

1) Had Mentors' Day with the Irsyad kids. It was the sweetest thing. And I cried! I blame Nusaibah, my mentee, who started crying when she gave me this turtle soft toy thingy. And there was much hugs and sniffles, and I kept telling them to work hard for PSLE. Aiyah. They were all so adorable. Emo emo emo-ness. I loved it though. <3 After it all, I had fuzzy warm feelings inside.

2) My sister got to meet her indon tv stars at the geylang light-up! Cinta Fitri's Farrell and Fitri. She was one of the ushers and got to see them up-close. Exciting x 1000! And she got CIP hours for this. What crap, I say.

3) My wacky family went to mount faber at midnight this past saturday. For fun. We ate pre-packed ice kachang and ice jelly cocktails at faberpoint and took random photos. We left at 2 plus am. @_@ record!!!

4) Kurosagi the movie is actually coming to Singapore! @_@ And I thought it wasn't so I'd already watched online. But nvm. Maybe I'll catch it anyway.

5) Did I already mention Hana Yori Dango? Yes, HYD! This week! This week!

6) My mum claimed she saw a pocong in Kelantan. (She and Dad just came back from Pakcik Mail's place, bearing a whole load of rambutans this time.)

:) 98.7FM says September is going to be a good month. And I agree. yeah, yeah, yeah.

Suddenly work is piling up at a scary speed and I am getting increasingly nervous. :s I have to remind myself: what is life if not a struggle. I'm becoming more certain of the theorem: life = hard work (+ other issues that become negligible in the face of hard work). :P Theorems, ehek. I am becoming crazily mathematical, eh? Blame the modules I'm doing this semester. Everything seems to include statistics. I see the Gaussian distribution so many times a week, I now know its probability distribution formula by heart. -_-

Am listening to 1 Litre of Tears' Konayuki. The song itself makes me choke up in remembrance. Life is indeed a struggle. That's why I say: DT!Draco was right to imagine heaven as a final resting place. Speaking of which, did I say I have the full copy of Draco Veritas in PDF now (1647 pages long)? Anyone interested can ask from me! I'm rereading it again myself.

To less depressing things: guess what is playing on TV mobile!!! The HYD movie trailer!!! >.< Arashi's One Love came on and I almost squealed out loud. I swiveled my head around to find the screen but the front screen had conked out so it was blank, and I couldn't see the other tv screen, being stuck in the crowd like a sardine. GAH. I almost exclaimed wtf. I could hear Arashi but I couldn't see the trailer lah, like wth. But nonetheless, I was almost spazzing from the excitement. It's coming out next week. yay yay yay!

oh, also, I have to report that one of my kids in APEX class (the group of P6 madrasah kids I tutor on saturdays) admitted to another mentor that he was afraid of me! O_O That is an absolute first! This means: I managed to be strict enough with a class that they become scared of me! That is amazing. He didn't finish the compo he was supposed to have done and then begged the other mentor not to tell me and not let me mark his work. I still find the whole thing incredible. o_O

The day always seems so short, and I never end up accomplishing what needs to be done. :( My time management skills have not improved over the years. Am always so easily distracted too. Nyah. My problem is that I find too many things interesting. Too many.

Maki is appearing in a drama in October! I am uber excited for that.

Been spazzing over the NEWS Pacific Tour the entire night. If there was a rolling-on-the-ground-happy smiley, I would put one here. ohmegad >.< how did I come to heart them this much?

seriously. love creeps on you, man. before you know it, and without your own volition, BAM! You're in too deep.

Sis and me were like going nuts. Memorable things: Koyama saying that he sings UltraMusicPower when he's happy in the bath. Of course, the Nino crazy stuff. The little girl in the audience asking Ryo why his voice was husky. Tego's whoa Ai Nante performance. Massu saying, "I am a xiao long bao!" at the Taipei concert. And Yamapi looking eternally anime-perfect. How does he do it.

Gah. And I wanted to mug proteins today. So much for study plans.

I'd been feeling somewhat crummy all of today. Kept telling myself to get to working, but somehow never got to doing so. But then, when my mum got home bearing donuts for me and sis, we watched the Lohans on tv and bitched together. And the day got better. And the day got even better when I went online and GUESS WHAT. >.< Clips from NEWS Pacific Tour were on youtube. Ah, it's just so fun. And crazy. I'd been waiting for this! And Newshfan is superb for subbing everything at superspeed. And Nino and Sho appeared. (Nino called Yamapi Tomo-chan and Masuda Giri-Massu - what?! Also, Nino kissed Ryo on the shoulder - again, what?! What is up with this guy.) And Tegoshi tried to remedy his 'superior attitude' by speaking lower >.< fail, I say.

Times like this, I do wonder if I am a bimbo at heart. Ahak. :P It takes so little to make me happy.

Also, today is my parents' anniversary, so we're going out for dinner. And also, Jean's birthday! Happy 21st, my dear. I doubt you read this anymore, but you used to, I think, so I'll say it here anyway.

That's the thing about my blog. I never do know who's reading, except for my usual close friends. This same url has served me for near 5 years now and gone through different batches of people, such that if I were to bother compiling the total range of people who'd know of my blog, I'd be freaked out and be tempted to shut down. But I won't do that. Because I confess, I am clingy. And to this blog I cling, so here I shall stay. To the person who I wouldn't think would be reading my blog: hello! You are welcome anyways. :)

Crap. I officially love Code Blue.

Anyway, I've decided to do a tag I got from Shweta's wonderfully amusing blog. Because I've got nothing better to do, it seems. :P

Rules:

Pick up the nearest book.
Open page 123.
Find the fifth sentence.
Post the next three sentences.
Tag five people, and acknowledge the person who tagged you.


Okay, here goes:

"Well before 9-11, technical studies had concluded that 'a well-planned operation to smuggle WMD into the United States would have at least a 90 percent probability of success'. This has become 'America's Achilles Heel', a study with that title concluded, reviewing the many options available to terrorists. The Council on Foreign Relations Task Force study adds others."

That's from Noam Chomsky's Hegemony or Survival, that's sitting on the table next to my bed, and which I've abandoned since last sem ended. I bought it impulsively cause I was so hyped up about last sem's geopolitics module and got so into American Foreign Policy stuff. Ehek.

So let's see... I tag:

Yu Jie
Lin
Marli
Jiawen
Munirah

(: Night!

Apparently, Yamapi can do no wrong.

I really don't want to start fangirl-raving, but then I was watching Code Blue and his doctor character, Aizawa, did something almost certainly clinically impossible, that I just had to say something. First (a little background knowledge), you should know that for some reason, Yamapi has always just won in a lot of things lah, okay. Variety shows, tv challenges, acting roles, saying the right things etc. Like in Tokyo Friend Park where he jumped damn high and scored so much. And on hey!hey!hey! with the hula hoop game. And various Shounen Club activities, to name a few. So much so that he's somewhat recognised by fellow members for being the ultra-reliable and failproof person.

So anyway, in Code Blue, Aizawa was trying to save someone who got spiked on a metal pipe and the poor guy's heart was failing; the heartrate on the meter was steadily decreasing and the machine was making all the scary beepy noises. And then the heart stopped all together. So then, I was like, "Finally! Aizawa fails to save a patient... " But then, looking all emo with the clenched jaws and incessant fist-clenching, guess what he did? He thumped hard, once, on the guys chest... and voila! The heart beats again.

I was @_@. Magic doctor, is it. I was so incredibly amused.

But ignoring certain fantastical glitches about the capabilities of a certain ER intern, I'm liking Code Blue more than I thought I would. I've harboured a certain disinclination for medical drama ever since Gray's Anatomy (yes, despite its undeniable popularity, I just never took to Meredith or any of the other characters) but surprisingly, Code Blue is working for me. Maybe cause of Yamapi, of course. But even without him, I think, the drama has the right elements in right amounts. And thankfully, no romance in sight.

O_O I just discovered that my biophysics class has a grand total of 20 people. TWENTY ONLY. This freaks me out. The thing about a small class is that it can go two ways: it can turn out to be really really fun and engaging, or it can turn out to be a total nightmare where the lecturer in charge breathes down your neck and expects scary stuff from each student and students stay mute in class. I really hope the lecturer is someone great. >.<

The first day of school was nice enough. (Not counting the running around I had to do to settle my ISM proposal.) Maybe it's a good omen.

Also, textbook expenses are making me go into spasms.

photos! from escape2008 (: It's not in chronological order; more like they're reversed.

This was the bbq chicken lunch. yummy yummy yummy and comfy sofas.



Hanging around Pasir Ris Beach in the morning. And then cycling.










Breakfast: coffee, eggs and kaya toast.





Escape theme park: three frakking rides were closed lah.





Okay, this is just funny. See the white floaty thing? That's Munirah's tudung that went haywire when the ride went upside down!!! >.< It was hilarious.





That's tempura ice cream at Hei Sushi.

school's starting tomorrow. hum.

I can't wait for saturday afternoon. It means my presentation would be over and so would my final theory test, and finally I can enjoy the last week before semester starts.

I realise I am going to miss IBN. And all the people who made the stay a fun one. I am so very grateful that I got nice mentors and a whole office of nice colleagues. And I am going to miss the cute cute mice. Ah man. This has been a nice experience.

I realise I miss my friends. I don't know. I miss playing. Working has made me somewhat a responsible person, and I miss being playful.

Why do I have an insatiable urge to blog and blog about the littlest things? I must be more of an exhibitionist that I thought. Sometimes I just like putting words on this page here you know. Just for words' sake. Words look pretty.

Oh, guess who I bumped into yesterday!!! YAU PUI MAN. Who I haven't seen in about three years, give or take. I love bumping into random people I haven't met in ages. It was at Buona Vista MRT on the way home at 6 pm. She was the one who cried out my name first (since I'm forever the more oblivious person) and I went like, PUI MAN! What are you doing here?!?!

She looks the same. (Haha, what did I expect? >.<) And dressed nicely. But she seemed less of an explosive person. My memory of PuiMan has always been associated with wackiness and her crazy brand of laughter and her fanfiction. Her stacks of fanfiction. She could write like seriously, stacks of them. I remember her reading some off to me on the train home from rg. She insisted on my not reminiscing anyway, cause according to her, only old people do it. I suppose I'm a natural old soul. I reminisce far too much. Or if I'm not reminiscing, I'd imagine how I'd be reminiscing about something 10 years down the road.

I should be preparing for my presentation. Public speaking = bane of existence. Together with chemistry. But I think chemistry ain't that bad even. And since this attachment experience, I've come to like programming thanks to MATLAB and Kumar's and Archana's patient guidance, so programming is definitely no longer a bane. But public speaking - GAH. Always and forever will be a thorn in the side. The day I actually enjoy speaking to an audience, I'll plant a tree in memorial.

The American Scholar: The Disadvantages of an Elite Education

"...Yet it is precisely that opportunity that an elite education takes away. How can I be a schoolteacher—wouldn’t that be a waste of my expensive education? Wouldn’t I be squandering the opportunities my parents worked so hard to provide? What will my friends think? How will I face my classmates at our 20th reunion, when they’re all rich lawyers or important people in New York? And the question that lies behind all these: Isn’t it beneath me? So a whole universe of possibility closes, and you miss your true calling."

the perfect education is an elusive thing, I tell you.

"Because students from elite schools expect success, and expect it now. They have, by definition, never experienced anything else, and their sense of self has been built around their ability to succeed. The idea of not being successful terrifies them, disorients them, defeats them. They’ve been driven their whole lives by a fear of failure—often, in the first instance, by their parents’ fear of failure. The first time I blew a test, I walked out of the room feeling like I no longer knew who I was. The second time, it was easier; I had started to learn that failure isn’t the end of the world."

yay for failures. they are important things.

It doesn't take much to make me happy, I think. Little things like mochi ice creams and pancakes and seeing cute cats make me happy. And finding power sockets in public places makes me very very happy. >.< haha. I go: "YAY! A place to plug my laptop!" And I add one more venue to my growing list of outside-places-to-be-sedentary-and-study.

I am at a good emotional place in my life right now. When I think about it, there isn't really anything to be extra happy about... But somehow I am. It could be the usual deceptive it's-a-new-school-semester-and-let's-jiayou! feelings, but this time, I don't know, it feels even better. Like a ray of hope is shining ahead, and I am heading towards it. Call it gut-feeling or intuition. And so. I feel good. I have work and I have worries. But I still feel good. yoshi. :)

Also. Been finally giving Hey!Say!JUMP a chance and watching their pvs and I feel like a paedophile now, :P ehek. But mostly, I look for Yamada, who I have fallen for since Tantei Gakuen Q because he was so kawaii. And kakkoi. Oh no, I am nuts. Sometimes I truly worry about how much of a weirdo I am. But most times I'm too much into my weirdo world to notice.

Looking forward to the weekend with eunice, mumu and jiawen! Our downtown east holiday, heretofore known as escape2008, okay? :)