I didn't know Arashi's Blue was such a sad song! you would think the title had given it away. oh, so melancholic.

I want to see you, I want to see you.
It's not a dream, you are for real.
It's painful, It's painful.
That light blue blurs away.


full translation here.


Speaking of dreams: after a nap today (because we have a respite from placement just for this afternoon), I started thinking about dreams in general; a specific question bugged me. Where do the people in our dreams come from? I mean, aside from the people we do know who appear in dreams, sometimes there are these strangers who appear and with whom I sometimes have lengthy exchanges but I don't know who they are! And then I wake up and wonder how my mind conjures up these persons. I dreamt earlier of a pair of parents accosting me about their child and whether he had a (development) problem and I kept saying the wrong thing and making them panic, haha. I assume this has to do with one of the teachers suggesting earlier today that we assess one of the girls for real, but then oops, we remember we aren't supposed to, meh.

I think dreams are magical. Besides the fact that it must have some cognitive benefit in terms of the organization of thoughts and memories and even feelings, I like to believe that it has some unexplained connection to our soul or even larger collections of souls or telepathy or to a separate dimensional plane. (haha, a theory about our strange congruity of thoughts, Eunice?) Kinda like what Carl Jung seemed to hint at, although I've yet to fully understand the ideas he had proposed.

Anyway, Islamically, it has been said that dreams are 1/40th of prophecy, so that's why, you know, we have those special people who have premonitions or knowledge of the non-empirical sort. And we all have had those moments of whoa, deja vu. You go, oh, I dreamt this! as though dreaming of the future is  nothing much out of the ordinary. It reminds me that while a lot of the times our consciousness grounds us in the real sensory world, a lot of the things we experience are actually unconscious stuff that gets stored somewhere inside us, and because somehow they don't dominate our thoughts, we think they don't exist! But then, when something freeeaaakky happens, we're forced to think about it; we think, freeeaaaky. And then just move on with our lives.

Several interesting things today:

* Bumped into Mdm Yeo Lay, ex-physics teacher at my elder placement centre! Super-interesting exchange we had, where I even told her that I still keep the awesome green physics file from Sec 3. How tiny is the world, huh.

* Went for NSP rally at Tampines tonight! I wasn't too surprised at any new speeches or what. But there was an excessive bashing of MBT, eheheh; I almost pity the dude.

* Suddenly feeling the workload pile up again, my shoulders ache almost physically, please. -.- Of course, waking up super-early this week to go to childcare centers at the other end of the island and spending hours in the train is not helping.

* And now, it is an (in my sister's slang) IRRITZ situation, because the faculty is dumping last minute (impossible-to-do-in-such-short-notice) assignments, because we only have this week with our test subjects whaaat. >:\ (And it is election week please, can chill or not!)

* Mother's Day preparations! :s

Goodnight, I must sleep, unfortunately.

KMN, so cuuuute, these kids.

Can ask me why I wear scarf some more, and whether can take off or not. ahak, high level questions! Then I tried to speak in Malay to one of them, but she responses in English though she seems to understand. (Die, takkan Melayu hilang di dunia? haha.)

When I go madrasah, I wear scarf! "Madrasah" pronounced merdrahseh, like mat salleh. Haaaaah. XD

Had a nice birthday weekend, starting Friday. (:

And today, met up with the birds and the first thought that crossed my mind when I finally caught sight of them: "Oh my god, we're so old." It's like, in my little brain, us is the us as always, and I'd expected to see tinier and less well-groomed girls being silly around the table; but then, the sight of three adult women kind of made me zone out for a bit. For real, haha. What with Shen Onn's nice jacket-y top that made her seem she'd just stepped out of her office; high-heels, highlighted hair, the air of we're-making-our-own-money-and-can-splurge (although Eunice would disagree with this!) and then talks of politics and more work stuffs.

Then again, it was only moments before the childishness began. -.- Maybe this is what they say by young/immature at heart.

Anyway, my presents!

The bookends I've been needing! My table needs a clean-up too, before the bookends can be used proper. And these books are the ones I always feel like flipping through now and then. Or whose quotes I've yet to store someplace.

The card. With silly stickers which are apparently becoming tradition.

Also, an owl flask! And the cat folders in the background.

---

Embarking on another year of life: I want to build confidence, and as clear a conscience as I can. And to follow both my brain and my heart, Amin.

Been having assessment skills workshops and then counseling workshops, and the instructor said:

Accept that you're a human being.

Sometimes I, we, forget to do this.

Tonight, I ended up reading the constitution of PKMS (Singapore Malay National Organization), and the first listed aim is apparently:

Memperjuangkan dan mempertahankan sehingga terlaksananya hak kedudukan keistimewaan orang-orang Melayu dalam Singapura sebagaimana yang termaktub di dalam Perlembagaan Singapura.

or

To safeguard and work for the full implementation of the special rights of the Malays in Singapore as enunciated in the Constitution of the Republic of Singapore.

Errrm. ?!?!?! What has PKMS achieved so far, I ask you. In fact, how, in any way, have they attempted to assert Malay identity and roots in this country? (Other than my having religious classes when I was a blur little primary school kid, in that hot, stuffy, ancient building with the letters PKMS on its side, across from Masjid Darul Aman, I actually have not much contact with PKMS.) In fact, much the opposite has happened; somehow, we are today grappling with the confusing and strange possibility of teaching Malay as a foreign language. Omg, seriously, I don't understand; it's almost laughable.

And frak, because I am such a stickler for thoroughness, I went to look up The Constitution of The Republic of Singapore, and Part XIII, titled General Provision, says this:

Minorities and special position of Malays

152. —(1) It shall be the responsibility of the Government constantly to care for the interests of the racial and religious minorities in Singapore.

(2) The Government shall exercise its functions in such manner as to recognise the special position of the Malays, who are the indigenous people of Singapore, and accordingly it shall be the responsibility of the Government to protect, safeguard, support, foster and promote their political, educational, religious, economic, social and cultural interests and the Malay language.

!!!

Somehow, I just really wish I had this 4 years ago, in Patrick Daly's Politics of Heritage class. To a question addressed in tutorial about the natives of Singapore, everyone was like (I shall never forget, as I recounted to Lin this morning), "Oh, Singapore is a country of immigrants. And before that we were a tiny fishing village, and the only people around Singapore were these people called Orang Laut." And there I was, in my seat, blood-rising at the sheer incredulity of the scene I was witnessing, waiting for just one soul to maybe, just maybe, speak some sense. But no. I was the only one who seemed to even consider that yes, historically-speaking at least, we are a Malay country. And then me, being the little volcano that I am, finally burst out, "The Orang Laut are the Malays!" Bloody hell, the name itself is in Malay, have a brain, why don't you. And just please, look at the region surrounding us: this IS a malay region. Look east, look north, look south, and even west.

Seriously, I wasn't and still am not, even advocating we have Malay privileges like we used to; all I wanted was hey, some respect and acknowledgement that the Malays are the natives. But no, even this was met with some sort of animosity when I was the sole "Malay" person (and some people would say I'm not even one, exactly) in that class who spoke for this fact; like I was some backward, weird person. And now, LOOK, the constitution clearly says so, but the people of course (and perhaps ministers?), generally, do not know.

Today, pleeeease lah. What special position of Malays! We are so special we are in danger of being labeled foreigners. O.O I don't know, you try explaining.

Because every time my sister throws something by BigBang at me, I like it even when I try not to:



The music video is always different and preeettty, and everyone is now becoming even more refined. (GD, why are you so cool without trying.) I feel like Big Bang seems like a valid Kpop group because they don't have uncountable people dancing together, ahahah, and they actually each look different! I like it when a group has member individuality; Arashi being best example.

Exam week will be done with soon, yatta.

All the people in my house are learning arabic. (Also, my aunt and her friend have Arabic lessons here too!) :s It's making me feel... guilty? left behind? threatened? I must find a way to buck up. There's this wall of Arabic grammar that hits you whilst learning, and if not enough effort is put in, and with excuses of lack of time and opportunity, you can get stuck at one position forever. Oh noes. I need to develop focus, seriously. Distractions (e.g. sappy korean dramas) = personal major challenge in life.

!!! Deep down, I'd always felt this; because it's not like we can prove evolution by encasing a pair of drosophilas separately to see if they evolve differently from the rest of the free-roaming drosophilas. And yet, everybody in the secular world seems to take the evolution of man as fact so unquestionably. Why is this. It is so puzzling.

The ninth chapter (The Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or The Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life. Ed. J.W. Burrow. London: Penguin Books, 1979, 291-317) made it clear, from what Darwin modestly calls the "great imperfection of the geological record" that the theory was not in principle falsifiable, though the possibility that some kind of evidence or another should be able in principle to disprove a theory is a condition (if we can believe logicians like Karl Popper) for it to be considered scientific. By its nature, fossil evidence of intermediate forms that could prove or disprove the theory remained unfound and unfindable. When I read this, it was not clear to me how such an theory could be called "scientific". 

If evolution is not scientific, then what is it? It seems to me that it is a human interpretation, an endeavor, an industry, a literature, based on what the American philosopher Charles Peirce called abductive reasoning, which functions in the following way: 

(1) Suprising fact A.
(2) If theory B were the case, then A would naturally follow.
(3) Therefore B.  

Here, (1) alone is certain, (2) is merely probable (as it explains the facts, though does not preclude other possible theories), while (3) has only the same probability as (2). If you want to see how ironclad the case for the evolution of man is, make a list of all the fossils discovered so far that "prove" the evolution of man from lower life forms, date them, and then ask yourself if abductive reasoning is not what urges it, and if it really precludes the possibility of quite a different (2) in place of the theory of evolution. 

From Nuh Keller's Evolution and Islam.

From another wonderful tumblr place here!

<3

My study week has commenced! And I wonder how on earth April came so fast. O.O I think I am discovering a new feeling called happy stress.

---

And I didn't think it would be C.S. Lewis to say this, but so true. : ( Women, take care of yourselves.

A society in which conjugal infidelity is tolerated must always be in the long run a society adverse to women. Women, whatever a few male songs and satires may say to the contrary, are more naturally monogamous than men; it is a biological necessity. Where promiscuity prevails, they will therefore always be more often the victims than the culprits. Also, domestic happiness is more necessary to them than to us. And the quality by which they most easily hold a man, their beauty, decreases every year after they have come to maturity, but this does not happen to those qualities of personality — women don’t really care twopence about our looks — by which we hold women. Thus in the ruthless war of promiscuity women are at a double disadvantage. They play for higher stakes and are also more likely to lose. I have no sympathy with moralists who frown at the increasing crudity of female provocativeness. These signs of desperate competition fill me with pity.

C.S. Lewis in We Have No “Right to Happiness”  (awesome read, btw!)

“God enjoins you to treat women well, for they are your mothers, daughters, and aunts.” - Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)

source

I know I sound nutso about this, but how is it that this girl seems to get more gorgeous by the day?!? I want to be like this also! Who says that a girl's beauty peaks at 17??? This is proof! Haha, I cannot forget the time long ago when Lin and me were chatting and I laughed like crazy when she went, shrugging her shoulders and giving her we-should-give-up-face, "That's it, lah. That's it." -- we're past 17, it's all downhill from here. Heheheee. XD



Haiyoh, Maki why you so pretty.

We are approaching the peak of mugging season, but as always, I find myself digging up stuff on anything but the required syllabus.

For instance, this upcoming elections. Being finally old enough, I can technically vote, but... I feel clueless. While, yes, I have a general idea of things, it still feels like a cloze-passage situation with large gaps in knowledge. For example, just how many parties are there? Who are these people and what exactly will they end up doing on my behalf??? I don't have a big picture understanding of things O.O and I am appalled by myself! How to make wise decisions about voting? Cannot just blindly vote against PAP, which is what my fiery pro-opposition elders keep recapitulating.

Also, it doesn't help that our media monopoly gives one-sided stories i.e. PAP candidates. (Read: onesingaporean's Straits Times, you not embarrassed meh?) How much do I have to dig to really find out about things? :\

Why aren't we generally more politically aware? I do not want to be an apathetic citizen! Maybe I don't have the right politically-minded friends, but it seems like all we're concerned about are acing exams and money-making endeavours and having micro-concerns about our livelihoods. Our minds should be broadened. (And... my thoughts lead me back to our PAP-schooled mindsets, meh. Homeschooling is really looking to be more and more a preferable alternative.)

---

Something else before I go: a documentary (shared by Ain) on the 2008 Gaza Incursion, and the amazing kids who survive the ordeal. How it is that they're so young and yet, so brave. Hard times really shape strength and character, I think. And maybe, children, like Gatto says, stop acting like children if you let them be adults.

This post is testimony to my lack of priorities, seeing as how I have a test tomorrow, and I haven't exactly memorised everything I need to. I feel the information leaking out of my ears, ohdear.

Anyways, today, I was thinking that maybe, it's true: kindred spirits migrate toward each other. (:

Had a long discussion this afternoon (again despite looming test tomorrow and therefore putting into question my priorities) about everything under the sun, but then we got really fired up about education, and I want to share this (which I learnt about from Shaykh Hamza, of course, hoho, who else.):

John Taylor Gatto's Against School: How Public Education Cripples Our Kids and Why, at Challenging The Myths of Modern Schooling.

"Mandatory education serves children only incidentally; its real purpose is to turn them into servants. Don't let your own have their childhoods extended, not even for a day. If David Farragut could take command of a captured British warship as a pre-teen, if Thomas Edison could publish a broadsheet at the age of twelve, if Ben Franklin could apprentice himself to a printer at the same age (then put himself through a course of study that would choke a Yale senior today), there's no telling what your own kids could do."

oops.

Conversations like this make my night:


what if I, I dont know, combust? haha

U WONT COMBUST

---

mostly, I keep wishing I was normal.

u r normal, pls be assured

---
 
!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I need to deflate now.

TOO TIRED.

*inserts needle*

*balloon-deflating-sounds*


*pop*

---

what if I have a heart attack before that?

we can go and do soothing activities

or go karaoke

or go on a food trail

you are making me laugh so hard

gosh.

I <3 you.


---


Disclaimer: Duck wants to assert that she is not my boyfriend. >:\ 


But I love her anyways.

The Right to Reply: The Real Hard Truths -- An Open Letter to MM Lee Kuan Yew

I think this is awesome:

The Right to Reply: The Real Hard Truths -- An Open Letter to MM Lee Kuan Yew

Because fundamentally, the underlying implications of what MM Lee said had not been addressed (i.e. Islam is bad for integration; the more a pious Muslim you are, the less integrated. PFFT!); and finally someone did! It's super long and I haven't read every word, because it's also like a manual on how to be a good Muslim and therefore a good Singaporean. But the point was ultimately brought across -- that actually, if only Muslims were more strict about their Islam, they would be better Singaporeans. Hoho. True Islam is just compatible with humanity.

"O people! Remember that your Lord is One. An Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a black person has no superiority over a white, nor a white person has any superiority over a black, except by piety and righteousness. Indeed the best among you is the one with piety and righteousness." (Hadith - Excerpt from the Prophet's Last Sermon as narrated by Imam Baihaqi).

"Allah does not forbid you, with regard to those who do not fight against you for your faith nor drive you out of your homes, from dealing kindly and justly with them: for Allah loves those who are just.” (The Quran 60: 8).

"There is no wisdom better than prudence, nor any piety better than refraining from the unlawful, nor any nobility better than polite manners." (Hadith - narrated by Ibn Hibban)

"There is no compulsion in religion. Truth is clear from error." (The Quran 2:256) 

While Islam preaches that it is the only Truth, Islam also equally preaches the freedom of conscience because Islam sees no value in either blind faith or spiritual hypocrisy. Muslims therefore are principled in how we view Islam but we are also tolerant in how we view other religions. In other words, Muslims compromise without compromising because we are principled but at the same time we are supposed to be tolerant.

Muslim Singaporeans must do more of such things and stand up for truth and prevent the stupidity i.e. KEBODOHAN that is happening in the US, like this: Fear of sharia in Tennessee. 

Don't let them spread the hate here too!

I found the two Zeitgeist movie sequels on youtube. And finally understand a little how the monetary system works. O.O Mind-boggling.





---

Also, a radiation chart from xkcd! that tells all about how much radiation we are exposed to everyday and how much before radiation kills you. HERE.

And:

We all do, huh. :P

I wish I could fly away and sit on the moon. And have you come and meet me there.

Typing on my MacBook Air! :D I haven't named it; I should. I realise that if you name things you tend to lose them less. And Nabi s.a.w. named his stuff too (it's a sunnah!) because naming things engenders care for the item/thing/treasure.

And so, I have been pretty much distracted by my new toy and not getting on with another essay due. All in good time, ahah.

Yesterday, had a nice, mini, family meet-up in Johor and there was much sharing and caring and pouring-out-our-hearts business. (I also brought my MacBook thinking I could squeeze some work in in-between -- but that plan worked for a total of 15 minutes, before I succumbed.) With the chit-chat, I learnt that practice makes perfect. And that we're all works in progress. And that maybe, the whole point is to learn to care for each other on our journey together.

Ja! I'm thinking less blogging, more action.

Today I felt like a 10-year-old kid again because my classmates and I played 'open-number' to decide who had to present for our group work. I kept going, Are we seriously doing this? Hahaha. And we kept laughing hysterically while doing it that our lecturer actually came into the speech analysis lab (which is in actuality a tiny store room area) to see what was going on. Of course, we sobered up and pretended we were just busy discussing important and pertinent points. I am so glad the people in this course are such great company.

Then I was home on the train chatting to one of my classmates. And I had one of those wonderful, rare conversations where light bulbs began flashing in my head and my perspective of the world shifted a little, and I began to see clearer. Those epiphany-like moments, you know. And I think, thank you for letting me see things like this. So, you know, I don't start deviating too much in any direction. A healthy perspective is a rare commodity.

---

Keep dreaming and hoping, no? What is life if we don't have that.

Japan! :((( I worry. Plus scary radiation waves spreading, or not.

Tonight, note to self: learn to stop being melodramatic. must stop drawing rigid boundaries, must stop unconscious tendencies to colour in black and white. Also, despite scary things happening, and Islam being demonized scarily in the west, and crazy Ghaddafi situation, and numerous earthquakes still to be anticipated, ALL IS WELL.

Because this is dunya only what, right. Keep calm, selawat, and breeeaaatthhhe.

And am reminded of this song, from this AWESOME bollywood movie i.e. 3 Idiots, which if you haven't watched, just please do yourself a favour and go watch.



(be sure to switch on the english subtitles!)

Arashi speaking in English! Haha. XD When I have no time to download, I troll for random clips instead.

I think this is awesome! :DDD



It feels kinda overwhelming sometimes. So much work, so little time. :s

I know I should sleep soon, and I will, because I am going to improve on my sleeping habits (also my eating habits! this course has made me eat more. not good!). Friends, and to date, at least one member of the faculty, have commented on my looking sleepy/exhausted. So must stop the unnecessary, embarrassing attention. And damn my eye bags lah; so clearly visible with the littlest shortage of sleep.

But! I just read someone's sweet post about how comfort from God comes from the most unlooked for places, and I had to come here and... say how true it is, I think. And that you would never have realised, or noticed, God's little gifts, had you not been at the lowest of the low. And then it makes me realise, how strangely, the worst times in your life can turn upside down completely and become the best times of your life, because it made you realise God's truly around and listening. What could be better than that, honestly.

---

Also, last night, while cleaning up, and doing my normal mulling around, I thought over again about the polygamy issue I was discussing with some friends the other night. The first time the idea of polygamy settled in my brain as a truly understandable concept was when I was probably 14 or 15 and we had come back from religious classes from Masjid Maidin on Sundays. I was so upset and angry, that I cried in the car, and my granny and mum were like trying to comfort me with unsatisfactory explanations, and my brother was like, "What's the matter with you, can't you chill! Relax lah!" Well, easy for him, he's a boy, isn't he!

Clearly, my feminist tendencies were showing way early, ohohoh. But seriously speaking, I felt crushed that God Who I know to be unfailingly fair and just would do that to women. Mostly, I felt irritated that nobody could give a satisfactory explanation why God would let such a thing happen! And as I grew up and learnt more, the very realistic aspects for the implementation of polygamy made itself manifest to me. And at a very... realistic, detached level, I could completely understand why polygamy was okay, or even necessary in some cases. And I accepted it. But, on a personal and deeper level, I could never reconcile the idea of it with a God Who was to me the True Protector of the dignity and worth of women. There were other times I had cried over it again because I just couldn't understand it. Because I believe that one's true nature is supposed to incline to everything in the religion, because it's true. But how could a woman be made to feel okay about sharing the person she loves? It felt to me, in the scheme of things, that women were somewhat belittled.

So I was thinking that I would ask God after I died, that very question. And in restrospect, I could say I was a bit haughty about it, and like all, "How could You, God." :( Astaghfirllah. And then a while later, when my thoughts had drifted away a little, the answer hit me with almost the force of a ton of bricks, that I started crying almost immediately.

I realise that women had been looking at this the wrong way the whole time. Men too, but it matters less from their perspective. But for a woman -- the answer came to me in one word, compassion. I realised that God had gifted at least one thing to woman more than man, and that is compassion. And that God allowed polygamy because he had placed enough compassion in women to actually let it work. It would never work the other way round! If you think about it, only women would eventually, after being insanely upset and throwing pots and pans at said despicable husband (haha), concede that okaylah, I won't kill the second wife (although exceptions exist) because what would happen to the poor children and the poor second wife? In general, women have the greater compassion to forgive and be self-sacrificial. And put the importance of others into consideration. Men, driven by large egos, are more known to break the relationship once the wife's infidelity is discovered, whereas women are more known to forgive and try to make things work. (I remember reading this in the Straits Times when all that fiasco about straying husbands was the talk of the nation, with the Jack Neo and Tiger Woods scandals.) And I'm sure there are many more examples. It all started clicking in place for me, and it made sense, finally.

Not saying that I am actually okay with any of this happening to me, God forbid! It would be a trial I would fear to bear. But that fundamentally, I finally understood and accepted that this whole polygamy thing exists, perhaps because women are so great. And that God never had it because oh, He lets the men do whatever they want, doesn't matter the poor heartbreaks women throughout history had had to endure. But that He had put such a powerful responsibility on women; that men may suck, but love them anyway. For that makes you greater in the eyes of God? I couldn't believe I thought so little of God before.

This theory gives me comfort, it does. Oyasumi, I shall let my thoughts simmer in my dreams.

Coffee = magical. At some point over the past year, I had decided not to drink coffee so much because I think it messes around with my rather fragile metabolic system, but today, I was thinking I might be persuaded against this attempt at coffee-abstinence.

Because I was having such a hard time staying awake in class and I had to be supplied with sweets and other sugar options for some energy source; It felt like I needed pliers to keep my lids apart. All this is of course a result of bad sleeping habits and having rice for lunch, which then results in intense sleepiness in the late afternoon. But then!!! I went to Coffee Bean for a friend-meet-up, ordered a nice hot cup of cafe vanilla, and was consequently and immediately so awake and alert, that I read my journal articles and was happily productive and genki. Magical, this caffeine drug.

I have been thinking, I shouldn't be so intense and philosophical and moody all the time here. Because it probably gives a very skewed view of who I am, and I bore myself too, sometimes, heeeeheh. Although it's not my fault that the times I feel like writing are the times when I tend to think in a certain way! (And tonight I'm probably like this because of THIS MAGICAL COFFEE THING OMG.) Anywayz --

Things I am excited about:

* Yamapi's Ashita no Joe airing in Singapore soon. OMGZ. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How do I convey my fangirling excitement over this. You imagine lah, hor.

Actually. Eh. That's kinda all of it. XD

Maki's appearing in a spring drama, but she isn't exactly the lead and I feel lukewarm about the plot, so hmmm. Hokkaido holiday still not happening -- also, hm.

Oh!

* Future friend meet-ups with people e.g. Shweta, Jean, more?

* Getting a MacBook Air when I've finally saved enough -- I can't wait for this because >7 years with the same bulky laptop validates a change. I want to actually be able to carry my laptop around, and sit in cafes to do work.

---

Tonight, I was discussing polygamy with a couple of friends while sitting in the car (go figure our merepekness), and my friends amuse me.

It's not fair! Why can't women marry more than one man too.


Well, I know that part of it is to preserve lineage... so polygamy works, but polyandry doesn't.


I don't understand! Why can't a woman have more than one husband!


Because you have to protect lineage lah... You can't tell whose child is whose what, right!


Huh, why! I don't understand!


You don't understand?!?!?!?


I don't understand!


What do you mean you don't understand?!?!?!?!?!


*insert hysterical laughter here*


Because! In polyandry, the fertilization mechanisms are all contained in one... vessel! How to tell! In polygamy, you have separate vessels.


Oh...


But today we have DNA testing what, right!

Sex is cheap: Why young men have have the upper hand in bed, even when they're failing in life. ---> an article discussing a phenomenon already explained by T.J. Winters, in Boys will be boys.

-____- It makes me want to cry sometimes, my heart aches; poor women, thinking they're bettering their lives by becoming freer and more liberal, but all they're doing is digging a big hole of unhappiness for themselves in this supposedly better-than-ever-before, progressive, modern society. No, really; and you wonder why so many women (a ratio of 2:1, apparently) in the developed world are depressed. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I cannot tahan. Why do this to yourselves, women, wwwwhhhhyyyy.

I was discussing with my sis once, about something as simple as wearing skimpy clothes (let's not even touch premarital sexual relations yet) -- it's like, these girls! What are they thinking, seriously. (Ahah! Maybe they aren't thinking!) After you feel so admired and ogled for all the beauty that you are, and you find the time to have a moment's reflection, I ask you, don't you feel hollow? Like all you are is this outside, and what's inside gets more and more diminished, and you start to crave that high of being admired just so you don't feel hollow anymore, until all you care about is making sure your outside is perfect? It's hard to explain; but even I had an experience of that hollowness, and I have worn (more-than-)sensible clothes all my life. But it's just that idea of being sold too cheap. And falling into that trap into thinking being a bit cheaper is worth it in some way.

I tell you, without faith, I will become easily depressed. Because what are we doing to ourselves.

I actually had a great weekend I will try to mention about some other time, but hello, topics like this, when I realise of the existence of sad situations -- make my thoughts go cold and bleak.

Rasulullah s.a.w. said, "Make your deen sincere unto Allah and small works will suffice you."

Narrated by Muadh ibn Jabal (taken from a friend's blog -- thank you!)

I realise that sometimes all I need is to recharge! We sleep to recharge our energy -- like today, I slept like crazy on the train to and from school; and when I got home, tried to force myself to do work but felt crummy. The deadlines are looming in front of me like oppressive monsters. And so I decided to get a good nap to recharge and felt so much more energized upon waking. And then I realize, we frequently need iman recharges as well. I just forgot.

Like, renewing one's intentions or niyyah is really good for the soul, I think. When I take a step back from everything, I think about why I'm doing this, and I remember that it's not about the grades, or a good reputation, or impressing the faculty, or earning good money, or even pleasing my parents. That it's about pleasing God in the path that he has led me to; and then things just get simpler, perspective-wise. And the little things don't bug me. I really think that fearlessness, save fear of God, should be second nature to Muslims; and if we have that, what in this world can stop us? :)

Writer's block! Both for this blog, as well as a paper due in less than a week. :s The thoughts are all there jumbled around in my head, but I can't get it out to sound right. And the power of words... really. The way one phrases things, just that little bit different, it can change the meaning a whole lot. So how does one not become ultra cautious in the writing or the speaking, knowing the power of words? (So as a result typing is worse than slow.)

What I keep doing: sweeping things under the rug. Cannot deal with situation? Sweep under the rug. This is too difficult and confusing? Sweep under the rug. God, I still don't know what to do. Sweep under the rug. Because hello, I have a 5000-word essay to write -- and I think my brain is insanely prone to distractions -- and focus is necessary; so the rug functions so I can function. Let's just hope that when I finally lift my rug, I don't get felled over by overdue issues.

On a separate positive note, I think I have learnt to say no. I almost got roped into becoming the project director for an event -- and in the past, I would have probably buckled -- but I have learnt that if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of things. Example: Graduate student on the way to Nobel fame kills self over failure to synthesise a chemical bond. When I hear how stressed it is to be a research student, I swear, I feel so glad to have gotten out of it. When you don't take care of your personal issues and sweep them under the rug and pretend everything's super-awesome and the world is fine, this is what happens. Ultimately, I think if you don't have God (or at least a viable and functional world view), and things start crumbling, this is what happens.

I shall work on my paper and be diligent and on-task and study and also work on those things under the rug, ahak.

I do remember making a vow, some time back, possibly 2008-ish, not to be emo here. But then I'm emo anyway; mehhh, it happens. I shall desist. Emo moments should perhaps be treated like scabs; hide them and pretend they don't exist, and they shall peel off and go away in time.

Anyway, look what my aunt gave from Japan this time!!! It made me squeal.

It says something like: Arra no something something (I can't read kanji! probably means Prophet?) Muhanmado no kanji-kanji-kanji-I-can't-read, and 40 no Hajiisu.

Hadiths in Arabic and Japanese, ahah, so awesome. I shall go pick this apart when I have time. 

Also, a perfectly gorilla name:

Okay, I will try to blog, although inside, I feel all horrid and everything I vomit out here does seem like vomit to me. Oh dear, why so morbid. It's like when you realise haiyah, why do I suck so much and get upset and confused and wonder if you can ever work hard enough to make things right. Or if you have any store of character within yourself to battle through life; like just the other day, I mentioned to a friend: I think I have no more courage left in my pit of bravery.

I am reminded of a story, that's kinda like a joke: There was this imam at a mosque who fell in prostration, chanting in awe of the majesty that is God, "I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing...". And then a muezzin walked by and saw the imam and thought, "If he's nothing, then what am I???" And out of fear and desperation, the muezzin too fell in prostration and started repeating, "I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing..." Then, the man who swept the mosque came and saw the imam and the muezzin, and thought in horror, "If they're nothing, then what am I???" And fell in prostration as well, chanting, "I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing..." After a while, the imam paused, and said to the muezzin, "Look at who thinks he's nothing!"

So, the best advice I've heard is not to worry about whether you're something or nothing, or in relation to this, whether I suck or not, but to do it all for the sake of God. I think if one is still worried about where one stands in relation to things, I think maybe one hasn't reached an absolute servitude of the Lord, which necessarily negates concern for the self?

---

Away from confusing thoughts, I finished The Disorderly Knights. I adore this:

"You knew you might be killed if you rode out of Flaw Valleys... You wouldn't have made Kate very happy. Or me." 

"You have to pay for your mistakes," Philippa said hardily. From white, in the dim light, she had turned poppy red. 

Lymond said quietly, "You had good reason to hate me. I always understood that. I don't know why you should think differently now, but take care. Don't build up another false image. I may be the the picturesque sufferer now, but when I have the whip-hold, I shall behave quite as crudely or worse. I have no pretty faults.Only, sometimes, a purpose." He paused and said, "Est conformis precedenti. I owe the Somervilles rather a lot already." 

Philippa's unwinking brown gaze flickered shiftily at the Latin and then steadied. "I should have told you before. You don't mind?" 

"If you had told me before, you might not have decided to have me for a friend. I don't mind," said Francis Crawford and told, for once, the bare truth.

---

And hey, this:

For an example of how love can be crazy complex, read this: Why You Should Date An Illiterate Girl and this: Why You Should Date A Girl Who Reads.

"you own self say one what!"

That piece of Singlish just cracked me up tonight.

I have these days when I feel evil and horrible. :( Whhhy. Also, at such times, I have urges to completely shut down this blog. I hope I don't actually end up doing that.

Just some cute things I've found:

 more from OSM

hello, cute onigiri.

Subhanallah, what do you do when you hear things like this? Dismiss it? This was from 2003. Sheikh Imran Hosein has always been relegated to the periphery of Islamic discourse because... well, he speaks of things that discomfit us, eh? We get even more uncomfortable when he starts to make sense, when we observe and reflect what's been happening today. Watch out for circa 03:55 min.



Alf shukr to the source.

It is Chinese New Year! (Gong xi Gong xi to my beloved friends!) Year of the Rabbit come again which means - gasp - 12 years since I sat for my PSLE. Ahak, what a comparison.

Anyway, aside from the enjoymentz abound all over Singapore (excuse the 'z' language I have recently taken to indulging); the world, I feel, is in chaos. What is happening in Cairo, yar! :( (Craziness which will probably ultimately spell a different story for Maulud celebrations this year.) And then all the fiery demonstrations spreading all over the Arab world. SCARY. Talks of revolution. And the establishment of fundamentalist Islamic states. Whatever that means. What is happening.

:s

 On a positive note though, tonight marks the beginning of Rabiul 'Anwar. <3 Let's cling to some real hope, I say.

---

Someone just linked this crazy thing on fb:



Besides being a little bit entertaining, this sparks more than a couple of theories eh, all of them incredible.

---

Also, this is what we've been doing in class (partly) -- learning about the brain, cartoon-style!



---

You see, I feel like so many things are going on that seem to bug me, and I feel like I need to partition my brain, and apportion sufficient energy to each.


I. must. stop. being. over-ambitious. Or I must start prioritising, and cultivate self-discipline.

* I want to learn Arabic properly but this is somehow not turning out very favourably. No time, clash of lessons with APEX which I have once again decided to join, Arabic grammar is so difficult, and one million other excuses/obstacles. (Also, Japanese!)

* I still haven't read very important things I have been meaning to finish almost years ago. :( Disappointed.

* Polish my fiqh knowledge. (I personally think this should be number one on the list, but I am being lazy.) Also, where do I find good fiqh books for women specifically??? I must do a proper search.

* I have started reading textbooks (and actually really like this language + brain + psychology stuff, yay) but omgosh, so many books, so little time.

* AND YET, I am rereading Lymond. Seriously, I am torn about this -- I feel like I shouldn't be reading for leisure because HELLO, so much to do! But not reading for leisure is like... not being me. :( How can you ask me to not be me.

I picked out The Disorderly Knights on impulse and started reading and am now three-fifths through and somebody please clarify what on earth is going on in this book:  (SPOILER warning.)

- Did Lymond really love Oonagh??? Is this love significantly different from that which he ultimately felt with Philippa? Or was it some sort of strange obligation or responsibility he felt for Oonagh that made him go to such lengths to help her escape from Tripoli? (Francis Crawford, why are you so weird.)
- How old is Oonagh!!! Ahahah. What does it mean to be an "ageless beauty" -- no fair.
- I've been trying to see if I could pick up anything about Gabriel that would give away all the evil hiding behind his fake piety -- but I cannot. Which brings me to wonder: how does Lymond seem to know or guess Gabriel's and Joleta's true natures??? Can he read minds? Or was it the fact that he was the subject of the siblings' manipulation that he was able to perceive their deception, unlike the rest of world who worship the two?
- Why is Jerott so hot-headed; but I still love him.
- I think Nicolas de Nicolay is adorable and hilarious!
- Did Lymond actually sleep with Joleta? :( I am disappointed in him; apparently knowing she's a bitch (according to him, that is), it warrants his raping of her. what.
- Does Kate love Lymond too? Much to Philippa's disappointment/chagrin/horror?
- I thought I understood a lot more of the politics and religion that surround the Order of St John this time round! so yay. Grand Master De Homedes is disgusting.

* These days, I have been having nice long conversations over lunch about love and marriage and men and responsibilities as women. And despite being cynical, since one cannot help feeling bleak about the number of unmarried educated women or about the fact that SDU claims Singaporean men have lost the art of wooing for instance, I still want love and a family, God-willing. The problem is, I don't know how to make it happen. And while it is comforting to find other girls in the same boat, all saying, "How ah!" :( it still doesn't solve the problem. We laugh, and we try to be patient.

When God knows you're ready for the responsibility of commitment, He'll reveal the right person under the right circumstances. Wait patiently. Don't waste your time searching and wishing. Grow and be ready, you'll see God will give you a love story far better than you could ever dream of.

Tonight, I feel like I have a black heart also. :(

During class discussion today, in which we cracked our heads over deciding to what extent help should be rendered to a client, our mentor said, "Reality is reality, but go for the ideal and you'll settle at a happy medium." :) It's wonderful how such things can pop up as though just meant for you.

MDA decided not to let us have our Supernatural Season 5 DVD and will give a refund. And they took like, 3 months to decide this. -___________- What I don't get is the fact that Season 5 is actually airing on cable, on AXN. So, where's the logic, man. Then again, I think they've cut substantial bits off the episodes that they do air i.e. censorship. The reason for all of this, apparently, is religious themes.

Yes, I do recall bits of the early episodes of S5 (from watching online versions) in which it is actually mentioned of the death of god and angels rebelling and Lucifer doing the whole sympathy-with-the-devil thingamajig. But. :( Who in their right minds would use any of this fictional stuff as a basis for real theology??? We know it's fiction, riiiight. Dang, I just want to watch my favourite American show, can or not. The next foreseeable plan is to visit nice corners of City Square in Johor, eheheheh. And failing that, actually visit the US?

Had a relatively busy weekend, filled with reasonably fun times but has now strangely settled as an upset and gloomy feeling somewhere near the bottom of my heart. Part of it is my consternation at being called an idealist, which I know I am, I can't help being so; but that somehow people look at it as being a deluded thing -- it makes me feel meh, for lack of better expression at this hour of the night. Sad, and disappointed, and alone, and worst of all, stupid. I feel like having high ideals is like having a physically marring disease, and people kind of have this general sense of pity for you, but you know, they understand, you poor thing. Have cosmetic surgery, be done with it, and live in the real world.

I don't know. I am kind of comforted a little by the memory of my philosophy professor from Virtue and Leadership module, who defended Confucius because she said, we always need ideals as something to work towards, in order that humanity retains its dignity and keeps striving towards something greater. But I think Confucius felt terrible the whole time. Complaining about never meeting a sage (personally, I keep wishing he'd been alive when Rasulullah s.a.w. came along).

I shall strive to be zen.

I've been having a second round of Shaykh Hamza's Refinement of the Heart, and he quoted Robert Frost:

The Fear of God

If you should rise from Nowhere up to Somewhere, 
From being No one up to being Someone, 
Be sure to keep repeating to yourself 
You owe it to an arbitrary god 
Whose mercy to you rather than to others 
Won’t bear to critical examination. 
Stay unassuming. If for lack of license 
To wear the uniform of who you are, 
You should be tempted to make up for it 
In a subordinating look or toe, 
Beware of coming too much to the surface 
And using for apparel what was meant 
To be the curtain of the inmost soul.


It's a lovely reminder. Often, when we've been privileged with something -- like brains or good looks or having succeeded in a profession or attained a certain coveted status, we tend to self-congratulate, as though such an achievement is a validation of the wonders of our own abilities and inherent genius. We forget that whatever gifts we possess could have easily been bestowed on someone else, and in truth, you had virtually no hand in the fortunate circumstances of your life. This reminds one to be constantly humble and grateful; one's fortunes, and in fact one's entire life, is a gift and loan from a seemingly arbitrary God. The lowest level of gratitude one can demonstrate is not to be haughty about it, I guess. 

This also made me recall something from Cassandra Claire's Draco Sinister, heheh. :)

...but think how much worse it would be if life was fair, and all the awful things that happened to us happened because we actually deserve them. I, for one, take great comfort in the completely impersonal hostility of the universe.

Really, it would be horrible if we deserve every little thing that happens to us in this world. It means little African kids deserve to die of AIDS, for instance. I think complete justice comes later, eh; not in this world.

And I shall add a little extra here of Draco's angsty, amusing rant:

"Why should you get a choice?" he almost shouted. "I don't! I don't get a choice about my family or my life or my destiny, if I've even really got one. And I don't get a choice about loving you, even though I personally think you were put here on this earth to give me pain. I mean, I know I'm not a nice person, but what the fuck did I do in my past life to deserve this? I must have run down a cartload of nuns while driving a stolen carriage on my way to sell drugs to school children."

At this rate, this blog may be set for a steady decline into non-functionality.

No, I'm not that busy with schoolwork yet, but somehow, I'm preoccupied enough that those blogging moments during which I become pensive and thoughtful are getting harder to find. Don't know -- it's not like my undergraduate years were totally light on me in comparison (quite the contrary); I think maybe I'm just getting older and less loquacious here.

* Met up with Duckie last weekend despite only recovering from sore throat and the flu and went to karaoke Arashi -- I croaked, Duck actually sang. Also, I got a bag full of unwanted goodies (i.e. junk food dumped on me!) plus Jdrama and Arashi vids so graciously written on cd for me.

* I started watching Nino's drama, Freeter, Ie wo Kau! -- which is awesome, seriously. It's about the struggles of a university graduate in the working world, and therefore very relatable. I keep thinking how the only dramas that leave a lasting positive impression on me anymore are Japanese dramas -- because they feel more real and less of a fantastical, fictional nature, and seem to address pertinent moral issues. At the end of 10 episodes, I normally feel all motivated and moved and eager to embrace life.

* Recently had a mini gathering of girls to say farewell to Farhana who's gone to study in Syria -- I feel like the people I know are going all over the place to chase their dreams; that or they're getting married :s. Anyway, we all had a nice chat about why Syria and what to do in the future with regards to children's education, haha. This reminds me of another mini halaqah we had long ago after APEX: we were talking about how wonderful mothers are and raising children, and Shidah, I think, was like Why are we talking like we're all pregnant or stg! XD

Also, Shaykh Hamza quotes kept cropping up in the discussion thanks to the fangirls present.

Shaykh Hamza did say that celebrating maulud is bid'ah, you know.
Yes, because we should actually be celebrating it every day, right. :)
I also think Mother's Day is bid'ah!
Haha! Because we should be thankful for our mothers every day too, huh. 

* Recently reread this article about Friendship in the Facebook Age.

I saw that a few dozen people “Liked” the announcement and I clicked the thumbs-up icon, but immediately I felt a little ill, like I’d just cheapened the memory of our friendship somehow. I thought about adding a small note—”Congratulations” or “So excited to hear the news!!”—but that seemed off, too.

I totally experienced this recently. Facebook really creates unprecedented social situations most of us have no idea how to deal with. Recently, I saw on fb that someone who I'd worked with and befriended in the summer of 2008, got married; and I wanted to congratulate her but just doing it on fb -- it feels wrong in some way, you know? So I didn't. But then, I was so glad when I received an invitation to the walimah (i.e. wedding dinner) from a friend of that friend -- and I'm thinking how I can congratulate her in person, and shake her hand or stg, and make her see how truly happy I am for her. It's a relief to be able to do that.

I think this is related to the reasons I don't put up my birthday on facebook. There are just so many implications and complications to facebook interactions and it's not like I don't appreciate it when someone wishes me a happy birthday; the problem lies in the fact that I cannot possibly understand why you did. I don't know whether to think you want to be my friend, or rather more of a friend; or whether you're acknowledging my existence or whether there is an ulterior motive or on which rung of friendship you belong. It's complicating the social situation. I would rather simply be wished by people who I know are truly my friends, facebook or not. Similarly, when I wish someone, I want to really mean it. Ideally, people should only do what they mean, ne.

I think a lot of the times, people don't think about why they do things, and it bothers me. And it especially bothers me when I don't understand why I'm doing something. Which is why, I suppose, more often than not, I am a passive person and mull over things in order to understand. But maybe, you know, I have to accept that not everything can be understood, hm.

first post of the year! hello, 2011.

Classes have already started, and it's scary and exciting and nerve-wrecking and also fun, all in one. I'm loving the people in general, and the teachers too. But then caught the flu bug and was too sick to go anywhere today; missed important lectures, and missed meeting Sowmya. :( I am terrified of screwing this up. No, no, shall not let that happen.

As promised, Why are we happy? -- An interesting perspective on why we can be happy no matter what.