At night, in banter with my sister,
I whine sometimes, both in jest and masking as jest,
that my heart hurts.

It is one thing, that as I look closely at it,
splits into many things -- then I think:
what is this multi-faceted pain.


this:

The feelings that hurt most,
the emotions that sting most,
are those that are absurd;
the longing for impossible things,
precisely because they are impossible;
nostalgia for what never was;
the desire for what could have been;
regret over not being someone else;
dissatisfaction with the world's existence.
All these half-tones of the soul's consciousness
create in us a painful landscape,
an eternal sunset of what we are.

Fernando Pessoa,
Book of Disquiet

In line with my personal efforts to revolutionize my space

via the KonMari way and a philosophy of stewardship and gratitude to possessions:

The Story of Stuff

Need constant reminders about this.

We don't need to eat so much,

we don't need to have so much.

We must tread lightly and kindly on the Earth.

It's less than 2 weeks to my career move out of the hospital to the community -- and my god, the backlog work. Not to mention the typical Muprhy's-law type situation that results in the convergence of this event with other events in my life that leaves me seriously, with miniscule hours of rest.

I am so exhausted, it's ridiculous.

And of course my N-type personality (i.e. the opposite of S; a topic which deserves a separate post on a separate day) does not help me at all because though I plan to do things, I don't end up completing them in the time it was stipulated. What N-people do is delve into a thing for hours on end and don't get out, and when they finally do, they realise, oops, did I over-run? This repeatedly happens to me with all my major projects, so essentially I really cannot have more than one thing (okay, maybe a few things) happening at any one time. And then I get upset with myself because I cannot do all the things I wanted to do well enough.



I will make a long happy post about my thoughts on work/future/plans,
when I am finally out and settled and ready for a new adventure.

Excuse me, but I will continue to be a relentless ARMY (i.e. a BTS fan) for the next few weeks because I'm still so high on their latest song release and they still have an upcoming music video next week, and we're all waiting in anticipation. 

And then today, I decided to finally look up the lyrics of one of my favourite BTS side tracks called Whalien 52, and I realise it's literally about a whale!  (okay, it's a metaphor for loneliness etc as well -- Rap Monster, you genius boy, you continue to astound me.)

There's a great mammal in the ocean known as the 52 hertz whale. All year he practices his love song for the female. Travels thousands of miles to find her. But when he finally gets the chance to serenade her, she doesn't give him a call back.

Why? His love ballad is sung at 52 hertz. A sonic signature, one note higher than the lowest sound of the tuba. The average female hears at 10 to 15 hertz. So she never hears his song. They call him the lonely whale. And year after year, for a hundred years, he works out a new love song but he never ever gets a call back. Eventually he dies off, forever alone. Heartbreaking.

-- Gil Grissom, CSI


Apparently, this is a real whale that has been boggling scientists, and BTS sings about it! For a long time now, I've loved this song and didn't really think when they said "whey" these adorable Korean boys literally meant "whale" (darlings, your English diction, save for RapMon's, needs to improve) and god -- they have a song about a whale! It's the cutest thing! The song is bouncy with a tinge of gravity/melancholia and very thoughtful (if such a combination can exist, and I think in general this is a standard feel of BTS songs.)

The message of the song:
like the whale, I'm feeling lonely and feel like no one will hear me,
but hey, I'll keep singing my song cause I believe one day, someone will!

lonely lonely lonely whale

I sing to myself...
This song that receives no reply
I sing till it reaches someone tomorrow

💜

love this.

so beautiful!

before I even knew the meaning of the lyrics,

this song and video did things to my heart.

edit:

I decided to get "The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas" -- the short story by Ursula K. Le Guin which part/most/all of the music video was apparently based on (Omelas is the name of the motel that features in the video) -- because I really was not satisfied with my analysis and understanding of the music video without having a full picture of the story. I mean, I had read a synopsis of it, but I felt like it wasn't enough. So then while on the bus to work I quickly looked it up on Kindle and omgggggg, Kindle has felt the effects of BTS too because do you see them suggesting Demian as well (the book the previous music video was based on, which I read too of course), ahahahhhhhh. 😆 Not to mention that the actual short story was part of a compilation of short stories but suddenly Kindle is selling this Omelas story solo, which will only be available tomorrow, a day after the release of the Spring Day video???

It appears to be a pattern now that every music video will have a book/story behind it -- so we don't just have music enthusiasts now but book nerds like me obsessing about them. This is really pushing the idea of entertainment to a whole new level, that's what they're doing. You don't just get a new song, you get a story, a video, most of the time a dance as well, and a political statement. I am digging this so much too, because it's what I've started to do with our book club for the books we read or select: we read, we listen to related lectures, we watch movie adaptations or related documentaries, and we discuss. It is awesome. And isn't that happening here too with this amazing boyband. Multimodal consumption.

After watching Spring Day now don't-know-how-many-times, and reading tweets and reviews, I'm suddenly realising now the full breadth of meaning in this video and it is staggering me. And the fact that genius and philosophical Rap Monster wrote the lyrics is not surprising but I don't know, still leaves me in awe -- gasp gasp gasp, people are saying it might be in reference to the Korean Sewol Ferry Incident or in opposition to child labour in general because of the laundry metaphors in the video (ahahah seriously the mountain of laundry) or in a nutshell, what BTS is saying is -- yes, we are enjoying our lives but hey, we have moments, some of us more than others, when we realise that the ease and luxury we feel here is perhaps at the expense of others who are suffering in the world, and hey, we want to be on the side of those people. You Never Walk Alone (i.e. the name of their new album remix). 💜

Their production company must be filled with geniuses who then selected off the streets genius talented boys and produced this genius talented group with heart and brain and brawn and cool moves and gorgeous looks -- where is the catch, people! How can this group be so perfect.

---

the obsession continues with us fans.

the theories are endless and leaves my head in a spin.

Also, the short story "The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas" is a disconcerting piece
-- I don't know, I feel stressed after reading it! 😔  Here's an excerpt:

They all know it is there, all the people of Omelas. Some of them have come to see it, others are content merely to know it is there. They all know that it has to be there. Some of them understand why, and some do not, but they all understand that their happiness, the beauty of their city, the tenderness of their friendships, the health of their children, the wisdom of their scholars, the skills of their makers, even the abundance of their harvest and the kindly weathers of their skies, depend wholly on this child's abominable misery.



I love love love how all the pieces and threads of meaning are weaved together in this beautiful music video.

Recently purchased Trevor Noah's Born A Crime -- and it's such an entertaining and thought-provoking read:

I learned to use language like my mother did. I would simulcast -- give you the program in your own tongue. I'd get suspicious looks from people just walking down the street. "Where are you from?" they'd ask. I'd reply in whatever language they'd addressed me in, using the same accent they used. There would be a brief moment of confusion, and then the suspicious look would disappear. "Oh okay. I thought you were a stranger. We're good then."

It became a tool that served me my whole life. One day as a young man I was walking down the street, and a group of Zulu guys were walking behind me, closing in on me, and I could hear them talking to one another about how they were going to mug me. "Asibambe le autie yomlungu. Phuma ngapha mina ngizoqhamuka ngemuka kwakhe." "Let's get this white guy. You go to his left, and I'll come up behind him." I didn't know what to do. I couldn't run, so I just spun around real quick and said, "Kodwa bafwethu yingani singavele sibambe umuntu inkunzi? Asenzeni. Mina ngikulindele." "Yo guys, why don't we just mug someone together? I'm ready. Let's do it."

They looked shocked for a moment, and then they started laughing. "Oh, sorry, dude. We thought you were something else. We weren't trying to take anything from you. We were trying to steal from white people. Have a good day, man." They were ready to do me violent harm, until they felt we were part of the same tribe, and then we were cool. That, and so many other smaller incidents in my life made me realise that language, even more than colour, defines who you are to people.

I became a chameleon. My colour didn't change, but I could change your perception of my colour. If you spoke to me in Zulu, I replied to you in Zulu. If you spoke to me in Tswana, I replied to you in Tswana. Maybe I didn't look like you, but if I spoke like you, I was you.

---

This guy is wonderful and one to watch!
I finished his book: essentially profundity delivered with humour.
Which I guess is what true comedians do.

He said something at the end of this interview too, that struck a chord in me:

What would you like legacy to be?

I'm always wary of that question, because I often feel like your legacy may not be one that you have full control over. I have a very simple hope and that is... I hope to leave each situation, and each person that I've met, in a slightly better place than when I met them.

yes yes yes. I'd been thinking about this lately.

That we all have stories in our heads, the stories we want to live out in our lives, and a lot of the decisions we make in our lives relate to how we want our story to go. But see, God creates your plot twists, and puts you as the protagonist in settings you often had little choice about. Your job is to trust that God will write you your best story anyway; your job is not to avoid or create or manipulate the plot twists, but to live out life as the best type of protagonist you can be. That's virtually the only part you really have any control over.

obviously I am loving this show

Ji Dwi, my heart bleeds for you. 💔

I rarely love the secondary male protagonist in a drama this much, but I officially love him now more than Sun Woo, I think. People are saying the character developments in this show are terrible, and they're not entirely wrong, but they're not entirely right either! Because Ji Dwi, although it's slow, we see him learning and trying and figuring things out.

This episode really broke him down (and broke me down ahahah) -- he can't win anywhere. He can't seem to live up to his own standard of king or even be king, he can't get the girl he loves (who quite openly shows she doesn't love him back), his mum is the perennial selfish bitch; he as much confessed to Sun Woo defeatedly  -- you want to kill the King, just kill him. Which sort of left Sun Woo stunned, and yes, we can all tell Sun Woo loves Ji Dwi, doesn't he! 😌  Sun Woo is also only now trying to grasp the full breadth of the politics that is happening around him, and that culpability isn't as straightforward as he thought it was, good and evil is not black and white.

So this scene with the Master was really wonderful -- because while the Master himself started out wanting to reprimand Ji Dwi, the Master quickly realised that he didn't really have to. Here was a young man who was self-aware, who had humility and courage to see his own shortcomings, and who had his heart in the right place. And the Master realises he was right to have faith in this King (it's so cute, haha you can see how happy the Master is, smiling proudly while Ji Dwi is in tears). It's meant to make the viewers consider, despite Sun Woo out-shining Ji Dwi during the confrontations with the Baekje enemy, that hey! Ji Dwi is equally king material, people! Don't you guys forget!

Ji Dwi beat himself up so much because he wasn't bold or fearless or brazen like Sun Woo, but that's because they're fundamentally different personalities (which is why the dynamic between them is interesting anyway). Ji Dwi is more thoughtful and quiet and calculative, and just because he doesn't act as quickly doesn't mean he sits on his ass and does nothing! He's just careful and not rash. People are forgetting: the fact that he is even a Hwarang at all is because he chose to defy his Mother! He knows things are not right and he wants to right them, but he wants to do it in small non-disruptive ways; he wants to be a proper king. Just because he doesn't go in guns (or in this case, swords) blazing, doesn't mean he endorses the status quo.

Dear big mouse,
Do not eat my barley.
I took care of you for a long time,
but you do not care for me.
I will leave you for certain,
to a better land.
To a happy land,
I will find righteousness there.


You are a huge mouse. A huge mouse who could not tell the enemy's Crown Prince that he is the King.

You're right. I'm not qualified to become king. Being afraid and hiding in case someone would catch me and recognize me was not enough. When the enemy's Crown Prince asked who the King was, I could not step forward. I am just a coward. A coward who is always ready to hide and cover his face.

I do not know if my words would help, but there are many cowardly kings in this world. However, not many kings would admit it to themselves that they are cowardly, because stating that they are cowardly takes courage.

Do you think I could really take the throne?

Your Majesty. Endure it. Whatever it may be. Whether it is a high place or low, dirty or beautiful, and dangerous or safe... If it is something you must do as the King, please endure it all. That is my answer.


This show is generating such diverse opinions; and I know it has multiple problems with its execution. But for me, the political play about who is king is the one thing done right here, and they've got two convincing actors pitted against each other -- I am on board. This is exciting. I love them both. The rest of the drama isn't so bad that it puts me off: I tolerate Ah Ro/Sun Woo, and I actually find Ban Ryu/Soo Yeon adorable; the Soo Ho/Ban Ryu bromance has potential but is poorly developed, so is Yoo Weol/Han Sung. And eh, bonus -- I still get to see pretty V proving himself fairly decent in his first acting role. ✌

This drama was pitched as a reverse-harem flower-boy drama littered with pretty idols
-- and truth be told, the reason I was mainly compelled to watch this
was on account of my dear V from BTS making his acting debut.

The drama did live up to its promise of delivering fan-service in bucketloads
with all the bromance, and horsing around, and comedy.



But ohmygoodness, all that masked a seriously first-class political plot, which as I think on it, is quite unfair. ): This drama has such a bad rep because of how it was advertised, and I don't think it's being taken seriously. But it should be! The writing isn't bad! The political gambits keep me at the edge of my seat.

I about died from tension this latest episode. The production team made a great choice at least to let more veteran actors Park Seo Joon and Park Hyung Sik take the lead roles, and my gosh, they are superb. Park Seo Joon especially is amazing -- I actually think his acting calibre is probably what's raising my esteem of this show.

(Unfortunately, the romance on the other hand is so lacklustre
I couldn't care less who Ah Ro ends up with.)

But here's BTS V's and Jin's part of the soundtrack,

which is awesome (and I'm probably biased but who cares)

Finally got to start on my personal KonMari project today,
having taken substantial time away from work.

And my gosh, this is like a war, and today was just the first of many battles. I am exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. And this will likely go on for months, if not the rest of the year. Because KonMari-ing is not just about tidying up; it's about a lifestyle change. It's about living well, materially, and hopefully that will have good effects internally and in other unforeseen ways.

I was right to make this the one and only goal for my entire year.
Insya Allah, success in this will spill over into other little goals as bonuses.


Most people realise that clutter is caused by too much stuff. But why do we have too much stuff? Usually it is because we do not accurately grasp how much we actually own. And we fail to grasp how much we own because our storage methods are too complex. The ability to avoid excess stock depends on the ability to simplify storage.

...

When you treat your belongings well, they will always respond in kind. For this reason, I take time to ask myself occasionally whether the storage space I've set aside for them will make them happy. Storage, after all, is the sacred act of choosing a home for my belongings.

-- The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying, by Marie Kondo

To a future of being a better steward to my possessions. 

It's part of showing gratitude right.

Nabi s.a.w. would approve surely, insya Allah.

Speaking of which, hehe, a segue: tonight we had our typical mini family squabble / argument / conversation -- and my dad was going into his whatever-men-are-not-supposed-to-do-that mode and annoying my sister to frak because apparently he never did share the load of baby-care-giving when we were babies. 

But a simple interjection of, "What would Nabi do?" was enough, because you know he s.a.w. would totally be on board with helping out his wife (i.e. Sayidatina Khadijah with whom he had all his kids, I think...) with his babies. 

To which my dad's response was only, "Yeah well, that's Nabi..."

The argument is won though. And my dad did say nothing more. 

I was so internally delighted at having realised this formula -- anytime a man (or anyone, really) gets insufferable, just remind them, what would Nabi do? And the problem would be settled. Because who better to show us the way than the best man to ever walk the earth.

Ya Rasulullah, I love you so much, 

my heart feels full to bursting at times in awe of you.

You truly are a gift to all womankind, and to all humanity.

"The stars mean different things to different people. For some they are nothing more than twinkling lights in the sky. For travellers they are guides. For scholars they are food for thought. For my businessman they are wealth. But for everyone the stars are silent. Except from now on just for you..."

"What do you mean?"

"When you look up at the sky at night, since I shall be living on one of them and laughing on one of them, for you it will be as if all the stars were laughing. You and only you will have the stars that can laugh!"

And as he said it he laughed.

"And when you are comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be happy to have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And from time to time you will open your window, just for the pleasure of it... And your friends will be astonished to see you laughing whilst gazing at the sky. And so you will say to them, 'Yes, stars always make me laugh.' And they will think you are crazy. I shall have played a very naughty trick on you..."

And once again he laughed. 

"It will be as if I had given you, instead of stars, a lot of little bells that can laugh..."

-- The Little Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupery

I had a quick re-read of this. It's so lovely -- and here I am thinking, wait a minute, is A Little Prince partly a love story? He travels around to so many other planets, meeting strange grown-ups, only to finally learn that his rose is his rose because he made it his rose. We put meaning where we wish it. We see God if we want to see God. We see nothing if we are adamant that there is nothing.

Like the fox said,

"Now here is my secret. 
It is very simple. 

It is only with one's heart that one can see clearly. 
What is essential is invisible to the eye."

I should go see this animated movie too.

pork, dogs, and plates

There's a reason for this title.

* I'd met up with Datin S and F recently for dinner -- yay mini reunion! (I love my class so much) -- and we were having an insane, long, and funny chat about speechie life and everything else under the sun/moon. Then F completely surprised me by saying how she remembers interesting things about Islam from me, that she never hears from other people. And that she remembered to the detail what I'd said about how haram pork was different from haram dog, and all of that in relation to plates, and when one needed to clean them -- HAHA which I don't recall at all. F was so earnest and cute about it, and all of that made me think about a Lymond quote of all things (oh my weird brain) -- about how our words can have an unforeseen impact on the passing stranger. That's why words are important, aren't they?

We laughed so hard about how F knew all this things I don't remember telling her (and I told her more awesome stuff about the Prophet s.a.w. that she said, yar, she never knew or heard about!).




* I am going to miss my social skills kids so much. Seriously.

I was having a blah day yesterday, then the day turned for the better when we had social skills group sessions that had my fellow therapists and I alternately burst into bouts of laughter.

ohmygooood they are so funny and cute and clueless and I love them for all their weirdness.

We had newly-Primary 1 boy A ramble on in fragmented phrases about what he did for recess, when I asked, "So do you eat at the canteen?" He went, "Yes! No. NO! Lunch box. I eat lunch box. Noodles. Noodles and panir. It's... it's indian. Indian cottage cheese!" 

And then his cute Primary 2 partner asked, having thoroughly misheard but from his tone obviously thinking this was actually legit food, "A, do you eat noodles and pony?"

At which J and I both cracked up so hard.

Ohhhh, I still want to laugh thinking about it -- and all said in their cute, earnest voices that I am sorry I cannot reenact.


* I am loving these Bangtan boys too much, and Buzzfeed is not helping at all.


*2017 you're starting out with scary but hopefully good changes, insya Allah. ☀

I've been feeling inspired in recent times.

Alhamdulillah! It feels like a while since I've felt this surge.
Ya Allah, please give me opportunities to always be an instrument of good for Your Pleasure.


Rasulullah s.a.w. said, "The Quran is Allah's banquet."

The Quran is the 'banquet' from which we feast until our inner beings overflow with its meanings and blessings, and then become apparent through our character.

-- Educating Children: Classical Advice for Modern Times

Riyadatul Sibyan, Imam Muhammad bin Ahmed al-Ramli

Translation and Commentary by Abdul Aziz Ahmed

this post is going to be a patchwork of random things that have been gracing my mind and my screens recently.


* The more I listen to this, the more convinced I am that Big Bang could't have ended 2016 with a more perfect song. The word is that this might be Big Bang's last song ever because TOP is going into military service this year and then each one of them will soon follow him, and the next time we would possibly have all of Big Bang together again is in 5-6 years at the very least. They (and I!) would all be in their mid-30s then and who knows if they'd still want to come back!

Last Dance is so apt,
and is supposedly a song about their farewell.
Gosh, TOP, don't cry.

Like I said, I don't need sadder things on my plate, thank you.



* I am loving this (meme-thing I stole from tumblr):

Yoongi: How does one turn off their emotions? 

Namjoon: Okay, first go to settings. 

Namjoon: Wait! I'm an idiot! I thought you said emojis...

Yoongi: No, I'm still willing to try this, go ahead, I'm at settings, what do I do next?

haaaahaha. goodness, yes, Yoongi, tell me if you figure it out.


* I finished Daniel J. Siegel's Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation (the first book completed in 2017!).

I was introduced to this book when I was attending Maude Le Roux's workshop in November, about how she runs her Floortime/Autism clinic in the US, and she had used Daniel Siegel's hand-brain model to show us how autistic kids probably lacked the middle prefrontal cortex. She was referencing the book, and I followed my impulses very badly: I looked it up immediately, and bought it on the spot. In this case, good impulse. (I love it when my impulse proves true.)

I'm already holding back on my praise, but this is in the running for my favourite-ever non-fiction secular book. I'm still so in thrall with it. I cannot emphasise enough how amazing it is. I actually think it should be compulsory reading for all human beings who wish to better themselves as human beings. I mean, books like this are usually religious books, and Shaykh Hamza's translation of the Purification of the Heart comes to mind now. This book inspires me in almost the same way, guh.

Dr Daniel Siegel explains what interpersonal neuroscience is, and tries to link the mind to our actual biological brain, and it is breathtakingly insightful. The stuff that we all know about and grapple with all our lives, like anger, hurt, confusion, pain, memory, dreams, and where they all come from or how we deal with them -- explained so simply with respect to our brain anatomy and physiology, and what we can do to get better and better at it i.e. developing our middle prefrontal cortex, which appears to be the seat of the essence of man. I feel so inadequate in trying to explain it; I've actually exported 20 pages worth of quotes from my Kindle just on this book alone.

As I look through them, here are some good stuff:

Response flexibility harnesses the power of the middle prefrontal region to put a temporal space between input and action. This ability to pause before responding is an important part of emotional and social intelligence. It enables us to become fully aware of what is happening—and to restrain our impulses long enough to consider various options for response.

I don't know if I have too much or too little -- or basically I'm inconsistent -- with this response flexibility. It's called hilm in Arabic, I think; it's like a mixture of forbearance and patience, that enables you to act with intelligence, instead of being purely and primitively reactive to stimuli.

And here's one of the best descriptions of intuition I've come across:

...intuition can be seen as how the middle prefrontal cortex gives us access to the wisdom of the body.

I need more of this, obviously:

With discernment we can see that a thought or feeling is just mental activity, not absolute reality.

I might end up pasting a gazillion lines from this book. Here's one more...

.... the essence of reflection, which is central to mindsight, is that we remain open, observant, and objective about what’s going on both inside us and inside others.

I'm glad that I've always been a pretty reflective individual; though it has its downsides definitely, because apparently, reflection is somewhat the opposite of flow -- and this explains very well why I know I will not perform well at something the more 'aware' I am of it. Like sports and performance and a lot of skill-type activity -- the more you think on it, the worse you'll be at it. It really explains a lot about how my work training goes as well actually: because I'm an extremely reflective person, even in the learning moment, sometimes I'm reflecting -- cause that's how I learn -- so then I know I appear really slow and blur because my brain is God-knows-where. And people wonder why I take forever to get a skill. Gosh, I'm reminded of my colleague WZ always telling me, "Don't think, just do." Don't think?!

Eventually, I like to think though that when I get it, I get it. Like now, I love getting into the flow of assessing my new speech language cases: it comes naturally, without effort, because somehow I've integrated it into my system, and I basically wait for myself to get a feel for what's wrong with a child. That's how I think. Not by systematic lists, but like feeling something's missing or off or not quite right. Or actually, kiddo, you're fine; your parents are the ones who need to cut you some slack.


last one, a quote too awesome not to share:

“The brain is so complicated it staggers its own imagination.”

* In relation to the above, a wonderful line from Sherlock in recent times:

“Intuitions are not to be ignored, John. They represent data processed too fast for the conscious mind to comprehend.” - Sherlock Holmes (BBC Sherlock) 


*

It's not a pleasant thought, John, 
but I have this terrible feeling from time to time 
that we might all just be human.

Even you?

No. Even you.

-- Sherlock, Season 4




The plot isn't doing very well still, but when I love my characters,
there never is a going back.

Yes, it's okay that we mess up in life. It's okay!
Because we're all human (yes, even you, Sherlock, and funnily Mycroft too),
and we're all always learning till the day we die.

THIS!

I was trying to recall this quote about friendship. A repost from 2012.


Friendship requires that rare mean betwixt likeness and unlikeness that piques each with the presence of power and of consent in the other party. Let me alone to the end of the world, rather than that my friend should overstep, by a word or a look, his real sympathy. I am equally balked by antagonism and by compliance. Let him not cease an instant to be himself. The only joy I have in his being mine, is that the not mine is mine. I hate, where I looked for a manly furtherance, or at least a manly resistance, to find a mush of concession. Better be a nettle in the side of your friend than his echo. The condition which high friendship demands is ability to do without it. That high office requires great and sublime parts. There must be very two, before there can be very one. Let it be an alliance of two large, formidable natures, mutually beheld, mutually feared, before yet they recognize the deep identity which, beneath these disparities, unites them.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

All things considered, today was a great first work day of 2017.


*First pleasant surprise: an unexpected job promotion! although it should very well be expected, considering the number of years and the fact that my bond is up in a few days and they likely don't want me to run away. But you know, I've been so busy just surviving hospital life, and then planning this major change in March, that it never crossed my mind. And more money does always feel good no matter how immune you think you are.

*And then, I had so few patients! After the crazy deluge the last week of 2016 (back-to-back patients for almost 3-days-straight that virtually killed me), it was a nice breather.

*And then, because I was being in a no-mood-to-socialise-depressed-self, I told one of my friends that I was going to hole myself up in my room at lunchtime (it's nice how we all understand each others' space and needs and how people know S is a super-introvert and she needs downtime by herself, leave her alone); but after a moment, F returned and said, "Can I just sit here and lunch with you?" And we were going to happily lunch in relative quietness when another of our friends popped in her head and was like, "Heeeeeyyyyy, why are you two lunching here..... I want to join!" And the three of us had a nice cosy lunch instead of my planned depressed lonesome lunch, and I realised, and it was verbalised, that ohmygoodness, I am going to miss these people. Very very much. I think I might cry if they go through with the farewell thing which isn't supposed to be a farewell actualllyyyy...

This always seems to happen to me -- I say the place is crap, or there are so many greener pastures elsewhere -- but when it comes down to it, I realise I've grown so attached to a place, and I get nervous about leaving, and I think, Do I really want to leave? 

Goodness. In my past Roman life, I must have been a plebeian. So easily swayed.

*Then dinner was with E. And though we shockingly discovered, Hei Sushi in Bedok is no more (oh no, whatever shall we do for sushi fixes nowwwww; Pasir Ris is so not convenient...), dinner was still good. And we had our usual super long chat.

And I realise that, while E and I are different on the Feeling vs Thinking front (she's all logical, I'm all feely), I often underestimate her ability to comprehend my feelings or falsely think that she would call out on the ridiculousness of my feelings. Because at the end of the day, we perceive the world so similarly. She actually gets why I do the supposed crazy things I do; and it's so satisfying to have someone truly understand why you did something, although she will still headdesk at you HAHA. It's like how I maybe understand her need to conceptualise or understand everything on this earth, but I will want to headdesk at her.

And on nights like this, we bitch about SJs, albeit with an awareness of our inherent bias. SJs, and S people in general -- eeeesh: Some days, we wish we were more like you because you seem to live with less abstract pain.

Then this song accompanied my walk home... (:

Happy 2017!

I said I'd put a photo-montage to wrap up 2016 so I shall, although it's late,

cause my family was playing board games all night.

And this shall not be completely depressing.

Unfortunately, the photos I've compiled are more of the second half of this year, 

because the first half seems like eons ago now.

I can barely remember what happened except that I got to see Scotland again.

L and I at Roys et Vouz, Telok Ayer Street, 

to celebrate completion of SPOT training (:

A trip to Batam with old friends (and yes, it is with horror that I am realising 

my uni friends are considered old friends now), masquerading as a hen night thing for K.

It was a funny, cosy night that involved doing silly worksheets (I kid you not) about weddings/marriages -- just so we fulfilled the hen night portion of it haha. 

We played The Game of Life, and had heartfelt sharings about what marriage was.

 

Then the next day we met Royqah 

who is such a pleasant little girl!

This is even older friends,

finally meeting up again.

We meet so rarely, it's almost a given that presents are necessary.

TOTORO.

And behaving like we're kids still.

(I still insist that it is a sheep.)

More meet-ups with old friends -- and my gosh,

this was a hilarious night. We were literally a stone's throw from the mosque

and we ended up in a bar (somewhat; my dad would kill me if he knew) because the cafe was closed;

we would have adjourned except that my also-Muslimah friend was like, "It's okay one! This place is small and cafe-like and chill and we can order non-alcoholic stuff in the same way. Just tell them what you feel like having." So apparently one is supposed to order in the form of adjectives like, "I want something happy." or "Surprise me." and then you'd get your drink. So we were being so suaku and noisy and when we finally decided on our adjectives and called the waitress over to order pseudo-alcoholic drinks, the azan (i.e. the Islamic call to prayer) blared, and I was like, NO NOT NOW! 

Because ohmygod, although we technically were ordering halal drinks -- just, it felt sinful enough;

we laughed so hard because ohmygoodness what were we doing!

So we waited for the azan to finish and then ordered.

And honestly, all this was, was an extra limey yuzu soda thingum.

and very pretty.

A brand new fandom. I adore BTS now, 

and look at how fun and crazy this fandom is!

I can't believe I actually get these memes.

they're so nutso and fun and talented and entertaining.

this is my favourite -- so funny:

this is here because it reminds me of the most memorable Book Club read this year

i.e. The Element by Sir Ken Robinson

We talked a lot about passions, truths, and education;

which led to some drama but ohwells, 

I have been thinking that maybe drama is life, life is drama;

and that if you don't shake up your life enough,

it means you're not living passionately, maybe.

Visiting Datin S in Seremban! So memorable.

And when I was there, I really felt... 

not so much old, but mature, adult. Independent.

Maybe it's the taking a plane by myself, 

or staying with a friend's family by myself,

or being the only Muslim in a world of non-Muslims 

(which is a standard story of my life but--)

and being able to hold my own.

Knowing who I am, what I like, what I'm capable of.

And finding it easier and easier to meet new people

and get along fantastically with them anyway.

Maybe being fully-adult is having a solid core in your self

to rely on

 both my parents are now happily (I hope!) retired

and our hilarious family conversations continue...

(so there was a sudden increase in roaches when the new Tampines Hub 

near our place was finishing its construction work, 

and of course some started creeping into our flats too! the horror...)

Book club meetings with babies now

making discussions not-so-easy. 

M has taken to always leaving her baby with daddy

so we can discuss better.

I adore my friends' babies as I adore them.

and...

Every year, learning this.

It's getting very easy to jump on this bandwagon calling 2016 a terrible year.

As the end draws near, all the negatives have been flooding my mind, and flooding our news feeds. I know it's probably skewed and I do plan to put another not-so-depressing photo-montage post here for my annual wrap-up post for the year; but while I concede there are good things in the year -- like seeing Scotland again! -- I am not genki enough to be writing; I think I'll only have enough energy to put photos.

I can sense myself falling into incoherence.



Examples of increasingly sad things gracing the end of this year:

* this crazy saga about Shaykh Hamza being slandered as a racist. It is ridiculous and enraging. People will just say whatever and good luck to you in the afterlife, I say. When I'd heard that Mehdi Hassan was going to interview Shaykh Hamza at RIS I was so thrilled! and then agonized because uh, one has to like pay ++money to watch it live and even then I wouldn't be free at said timing anyway. But then, the next thing I knew, there were claims that he made racist remarks -- like what?! Subhanallah... This man has no racist bone in his body. People should learn to understand the bigger picture and the overall message conveyed rather than nitpick at isolated comments. Open-mindedness is key. And he apologised and everything! And admitted that it sounded insensitive. And still all the accusations are rife.

I just -- sometimes my heart feels like it's so compressed, it'll just flatline from all the ache.

* the end of Running Man next week. Another unbelievable, shocking saga that led to the abrupt decision to end the most successful Korean variety show ever. The crazy production team, thinking to inject some fresh change to the dynamic of the show, attempted to remove Ji Hyo and Jong Kook from the team, without consulting them or any of the main cast (STUPIDEST MOVE EVER) -- which led to a crazy explosion of fury among fans and cast members alike -- and then the main cast all decided to call it quits together. Which I have to say is awesome. I love them all. It was bad enough when Gary left barely two months ago! I actually cried at the end of his last episode. I think that was an omen of things to come.

Kwang Soo recently won a Top Excellence Award for Variety Show

 and his speech was especially heart-breaking knowing that Running Man, 

which catapulted him into international stardom, was ending.

* my sis had told me about this amazing Malaysian girl and her husband, who were the epitome of a true love story -- she was fighting cancer and they'd married anyway. And this wonderful lady had personally served as such an inspiration for my sister and her own difficulties -- and we'd learnt she passed away just yesterday, on her wedding anniversary, which also happened to be her husband's birthday. I literally cannot stop tearing when I think of her. She was such a beautiful person and I didn't even know her personally.

* and then I personally did something for myself that was seemingly a small move, but is now pushing me to the brink of tears every other moment. I am working hard to hold myself together.




Ya Allah, please please please make the end of next year much happier than this one. For all of us.

Today was a good day --

(i) I officially passed my SPOT fussy eater clinic! whooooooooooo! and essentially, this put the rest of my day into a good mood. And then I only had two kids in the PM -- so documentation was complete before 5PM and I could pray even before the day was done. After that, L and me went out for a cafe dinner we've been planning for weeks -- the pasta was good -- and we had cake to celebrate my passing SPOT and the fact that I will very soon be finishing my bond. Unbelievable that I've been a speechie for four years now.

Yay, Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah for small victories.

(ii) Nutella banana cake was awesome.

(iii) I came home to a wonderful but super belated birthday card that came via snail-mail from S in Australia (I have too many friends whose names start with S). Reminiscing on old times we had in common, and the fact that she still treasures our friendship, warms my heart.

I do believe that a true connection lasts forever, whether or not one keeps in touch.



Dear God, help me see the beauty in the everyday simple and seemingly mundane.