Happy Ramadhan!

And this is wonderful:

Over the years, I have become more and more sensitive to people saying things like this -- "She's just like a typical girl!", "Women are so emotional.", "Men can do it better." -- and people accuse me of being an extreme feminist. Which to me, is like someone saying I'm being an extreme Muslim. What.

What do you mean.

Are you saying I should concede that women do suck in some things? Are you saying I have to agree that some part of my religion is bad and should be quietly forgotten? -- no, I will not. 

Especially when you phrase it as an insult and try to make me accept that it's truth.

A stereotype is a stereotype is a stereotype! is a lie.

Goes for any other type of stereotyping as well -- that men are insensitive;  which only gives them an excuse to be so. That Malays are lazy -- again giving them an excuse to blame their culture/blood/genes on the reasons they waste vast amounts of time in un-productivity. That Chinese are greedy -- when I have met the most considerate and thoughtful Chinese friends in my life. Please, let's stop generalizing.

Like Walt Whitman said, 

"Be curious, not judgmental."

And someone will accuse me of being idealistic next.

Cliched as it is, past experience of terrible-ness helps buffer the anxiety, hurt, and fear of current terrible-ness. And you can live life thinking, this too shall pass, and amount to nothing one day.

Memories make a person mature emotionally.

-- Sybil, Flora Rheta Schreiber

I don't have the time to dig into the reasons why, but I realise I don't really like the me who doesn't blog. So. I am blogging tonight! (Maybe it's my resistance against aging, which apparently correlates to fewer blog posts -- I don't know.)

General updates:

-- I recently started on Emergency Couple, the drama with Choi Jin Hyuk and Song Ji Hyo, both of whom I like; and it's been HILARIOUS. Omg, finallllllly, a Korean drama that I like after quite a dearth. Basically, it's a hate-love rom-com but in the ER department of a hospital, and the couple are ex-spouses. So funny, I'm loving it. And because it's our lovely Mong JiHyo from Runnning Man, they have to have some Running Man-cameo -- and they brought Gary in!

I have so much love for Running Man.



The last time when Song Joong Ki was in a drama, Gwang Soo totally did his squeaky robot dance from Running Man as well. Haha! Love love love.




-- OMG, THAT MOTH JUST ENTERED OUR HOUSE.

-- Less than a week to Ramadhan! Is this the reason for my behaviour; a last hurrah? :P

-- WORK IS SPEEDY INSANE. There's always so much work, it is craaaaazay. And I get so used to just opening and shutting my door, kid after kid, in a day -- it's just, what the heck -- exhausting. And notes, notes, notes. And projects! ohmygod. Why are we always so ambitious. The disease continues into the working world -- always trying to do too much and compromising on quality.

-- I still have the kitchen to clean so

good night!

(:

Happy Nisfu Syaaban!



The horror of being so busy -- seriously so so busy with work and other stuffs -- that I don't write much anymore. It makes me sad. I need to organize my time a bit better. I feel like when I haven't read or written in a long time, I lose some sense of my self.




Came across this tonight:



We build for the next world, not this world. We are builders for the akhirah.

When I asked what a demon was, Ruen jumped up and started shadow boxing in front of the mirror on the back of my bedroom door.

"Demons are like superheroes," he said between jabs, "Humans are like maggots."

 I was still sitting on the floor. I'd lost our game of chess. Ruen had let me take all his pawns and bishops and then checkmated me with just his king and queen.

"Why are humans like maggots?" I asked.

He stopped boxing and turned to me. I could see the mirror through him so I kept my gaze on that rather than look him in the face, because his black eyes made my stomach feel funny.

"It's not your fault your mum gave birth to you," he said, and started doing star jumps. Because he's like a ghost his jumps looked like scribbles in the air.

"But why are humans maggots?" I asked. Unlike humans, maggots look like crawling fingernails and they live at the bottom of our wheelie bin.

"Because they're stupid," he said, still jumping.

"How are humans stupid, then?" I said, standing up.

He stopped jumping and looked at me. HIs face was angry.

"Look," he said, and held out his hand towards me. "Now put yours on top of mine."

I did. You couldn't see the floor through mine.

"You have a body," he said. "But you'll probably waste it, everything you can do with it. Just like free will. It's like giving a Lamborghini to an infant."

"So you're jealous, then?" I asked, because a Lamborghini is a really cool car that everyone wants.

"A baby driving a sportscar would be a bad idea, wouldn't it? Somebody needs to step in, stop the kid from doing more damage than it needs to."

"So demons look after babies, then?" I said.

He looked disgusted. "Don't be ridiculous."

"What do they do, then?"

And then he gave me his Alex Is Stupid look. It's when he smiles with only half his mouth and his eyes are small and hard and he shakes his head as if I'm a disappointment. It's the look that makes my stomach knot and my heart beat faster because deep down I know I am stupid.

"We try and help you see past the lie."

I blinked. "What lie?"

"You all think you're so important, so special. It's a fallacy, Alex. You're nothing."

-- rereading "The Boy Who Could See Demons", Carolyn Jess-Cooke

Not currently reading Lymond, but found an excellent blog:

It isn’t an easy to series to get into, because within the first pages you encounter that odd sensation of having to really think, just to figure out what’s going on. As Lymond and his Machiavellian schemes unroll with stunning precision, so the reading experience becomes a quest to connect the dots and apply your mind to the riddle of the subtext.

from annacowan

Ah, thinking is exhausting. I have subconsciously created barriers in my mind to demarcate 'dangerous' topics or areas... Like, no, you do not want to think down this route because there lies pain. Or, if you open this corner of your mind you will be lost for at least an hour. I think also have a Lymond store room, which if anything is a lovable, confusing, interesting mess of a room I often visit but stare at in loving exasperation. How do I figure you out, you great story, you.

For someone who claims to be the more introspective sort of person, inclined to lonesome-ness and reflection... lately I've been doing everything but, be still and reflective.

It's been hard to get some proper breathing space. I'm not hating on anything -- in fact, it's been good. Weekdays that fly by with work and project planning (we're going Medan again soon -- yayness), and busy weekends and busy social/family life. One of the Datins complains how I'm like a socialite. But there's some part of me that craves proper solitude. Like real, just walking, and staying by myself solitude.

I am wondering if this makes me a strange woman, person.

Honestly, right now, I'm looking forward to the lonely nights in the hotel in Medan. To soak in a hot tub and stay quiet and uninterrupted. And just think.

I am sad with the world tonight.

It appears that people are generally disposed to meanness and negativity. And are not ready to be open and honest and forgiving and gentle and kind. Kindness -- truly the most underrated trait in the world. The funny thing is, I do think the much-overlooked kindness is the key to implementing real-world solutions.

Or maybe I really am one of those blur, gullible sotongs -- the world just doesn't work this way.

This should be kept as a reminder:

I really feel like I should have designated times of the day when my phones and computers are completely off. And also have a time limit or something. :(

April ends and I am older now

It's been a great birthday week!

:)

Alhamdulillah for all the blessings. 

Birthday dinner with the family, 

and really awesome and girly presents. 

(I think I have had the best presents this year!)

(LINE camera is superb with the editing --)

 I was also out my Arabic-class friends to celebrate --

And then dinner at an expensive French restaurant with my friend since forever:

The world makes it appear like a woman can only be sadder as she grows older; 

but that has not been my experience of life thus far. 

Every year it seems like I'm learning and finding new ways to be happy 

-- and that only makes sense, doesn't it? 

The longer you live in this world, 

the more you realise you have to be thankful for.

I'm afraid I'm going to sound bitchy in this post. :( and I'll probably regret it.

Oh noes, how terrible -- but I feel compelled this moment to give this rant space.



So, occasionally, I have bouts of wanting to make myself pretty -- being a girl and all, right. It usually coincides with having acquired some exorbitantly-priced shawl or some other piece of clothing. And then I go hunt for a way to wear my shawl; and recently, this made me stumble across make-up videos. And being a minimal make-up girl with zero experience, what I saw just made me drop my jaw. The amount of effort people go to! I mean, seriously! For everyday supposed basic looks. And the amount of... how should I put it, fakeness. That's what gets me.

It's like -- people end up looking so different. I suppose this is what people mean by there are no ugly girls, only lazy ones (like me, meh). But I feel annoyed by it! There are these people who with make-up have amazing eyebrows, enlarged eyes, high noses, high cheekbones -- and I'm like, >:\ hello, fake! Like, how do we appreciate real beauty then? Like okay, you see a gorgeous lady right, and then you see her again after she washes her face and you go, Ehhhh, where did that face go? Don't you feel cheated??? I feel cheated, and I'm a girl. I don't know then about the men whose women wear make-up to look gorgeous. Honestly, I feel like asking around to do a survey, haha. Do you like it? Do you want it? And then at home when you see your wife she has a different face after a bath? HAHA. This reminds me of a Japanese variety show once of a man who reportedly had not ever seen his wife without make-up because she never went around without it, even at home. (This behaviour is probably bordering on disease.)

I think I may have had a related discussion with my sister on this -- where we were thinking there should be a distinction between being beautiful and being excellent at grooming yourself. A beautiful individual even if dragged in the mud and wearing a sack would still look beautiful, right? And beauty does not really fade with age; you just become an older, beautiful person. (An excellent example I've recently revisited is Keanu Reeves, heheh). Youth gives everyone a false perception of beauty, I feel. Youth, and style. And make-up, apparently.

Anyway, haiyah, I think I should stop this ridiculous and pointless train of thought on outward beauty. It's sad though, how women go on about trying to be pretty -- because, what's that line -- Women work on their looks, not their brains, because they know men are stupid, not blind. Ahahah. Hopefully, not all men.

Favourite kid from the clinic this week goes to...


(while I do a standard language assessment)

Me: This man teaches. He is a teacher. This man sings, he is a... ?

Kid: ... Cowboy!



>.<

HAHA.

I can't -- I just, I can't do work at home. I can't! Not to mention I have a splitting headache. How do other people seem to do it. I keep bringing back reports to write but I just can't bring myself to look at them.

Completely random, but I really have no energy to be coherent.

Also been catching up with Supes Season 9, and when I look back on the Winchesters from Season 1 

-- I'm like, ohmygosh, you guys were so young!

I feel like I'm growing old(er) with the Winchesters.

too exhausted to write!

though I do have something I was thinking about on the way home tonight...

Is it okay to have biases? Or is it the dangerous slippery slope to being discriminatory and prejudiced? Is bias in fact equivalent to prejudice?

Dictionary.com says so:

bias: 

a particular tendency or inclination, especially one that prevents unprejudiced consideration of a question; prejudice.

But don't we all have biases? For instance, I have realised I have a clear bias for people who read. I realise I value their opinions more. Does that make me a bigot against people who don't read? Does that make me a snob?

:O

bigot:

a person who is utterly intolerant of any differing creed, belief, or opinion.

Define intolerant.

I think this is a topic that needs a revisit at another time.

I've been mulling over this wonderful quote recently, and thinking how lovely it is.

If you have a choice to be right or to be compassionate; choose being compassionate over being right. When you are compassionate, you are always right.

Shaykh Muhammad Bin Yahya

I recently re-read the famous article by Dorothy Sayers, The Lost Tools of Learning, because I've started on Mortimer Adler's How to Read A Book. And I keep wishing I had all the time in the world just to sit and study and be with books, and knowledge. I'm not really complaining, honest; I think my job is good most days. But my dream situation would be me with my books in a tower, and me surfacing to do therapy on a maximum of two or three clients a day. Haha! Because even with my kids, I like having the time to analyse cases.

But I suppose that would be quite selfish. Hummmm.

Just because!

This is Maki, who grows ever gorgeous (and has apparently learnt to sound good speaking in English!), and because it's Japan. I wonder if I will ever see you again, Nihon, much as I love you.

And these five guys who will go down in entertainment history as the best friends on tv ever.
(unless it's all orchestrated, of course, which would break hearts all over Japan and beyond)

---

There came one and knocked at the door of the Beloved. 
And a voice answered and said, 'Who is there?' 
The lover replied, 'It is I.' 
'Go hence,' returned the voice; 'there is no room within for thee and me.' 
Then came the lover a second time and knocked 
and again the voice demanded, 'Who is there?' 
He answered, 'It is thou. 
'Enter,' said the voice, 'for I am within.

— Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Something that I realise gives light to what I posted previously from Lymond:

I am thou thy selfe.

Favourite line from today: "Car is so cool."

When your kid can't say much, and he says that -- ohmygod, GOLD.

---

Been listening more to Tim Winters's lectures (mostly cause I have exhausted every inch of cyberspace that is related to Shaykh Hamza), and had a nice reminder:

The believer is happy in the moment. La khaufun 'alaihim wa laa hum yahzanun. He does not fear the future, nor does he grieve the past.

I think that shall be my running mantra for the rest of this year.

---


LYMOND SPOILERS


I don't know if it's cause I'm much older or what, but the subtle yet insane romance in Checkmate is killing me.

It's to the point of ridiculousness!



Their letters to each other for instance.

Francis's letter to Philippa ends with,

"I have tried not to reach you, in this way or another, by any disfiguring sentiment. You know, I think, that my feelings on this are quite different.

I am thou thy selfe."


And Philippa ends her reply to that letter with,

"I have told you the work of my hands. The place of my thoughts you may know by now. For yours, the doors of this kingdom is open by day and by night if you will lend them to me."


It's like, it is not apparent at first how in love they are, but heck, are you listening to what they're saying to each other? It's ridiculous how romantic it is! They keep up appearances too -- he tells her what's happening in the battlefield, what needs to be done etc etc and she tells him what's happening on the estate etc etc and then, they simply finish their letters like that. RIDICULOUS; it makes me want to clutch my head in incredulity. This is how gorgeous and beautiful romance is written, people! It's in the subtleties and the little things.

I badly need to finish this book so I can stop this sap. Beautiful sap, but sap still.

I should have a favourite line of the week from my days in the clinic. This past week (before I caught my first flu bug this year from my germ-infested kiddies -- dang, it was a good flu-free stretch I was having), my favourite comes from one of my long-time clients (wah, I can have long-time clients already -- how long have I been doing therapy again?) who was struggling to string a request and ended up saying:

"May I... giraffe?"

I totally just laughed, so cute! Mummy also laughed with me. Both of us wanted her to say something other than her standard "I want ____" which she is too good at already; she started off well with her "May I..." and then she paused and stared at me with her great, big eyes. I could see her searching for the words but then she just heck care, and said the important word -- giraffe! -- for the giraffe puzzle piece I was withholding. At least she knows how to be functional, hehe.

Oh it's work, and mostly I don't want so much work, but some kiddies are wonderful to have.

What a lovely analogy.

 and it's a wrap on the March weddings! phew. 

:)

We insisted at the end of the night that we take a photo in our classic-4 formation, haha.

Pigey, may you live a happy future with your beloved husband!

it's been ~13 years? to more life milestones together!

---

this! is very very true sometimes, Alhamdulillah.