Nothing like reflecting on the state of this ummah 

to get my head out of my own personal and petty difficulties.

This documentary -- about the relatively recent Arab spring/Egyptian revolution, thanks to my brother's Netflix subscription, was what we watched this afternoon, 

and which subsequently led to our bitching about the state of governments 

and the level of corruption in this world.

Subhanallah, this gets me so angry. I can't imagine myself working in any field to do with human rights and politics, and not transforming into a crazy zealot, seeing the injustice of it all. Like these human rights lawyers who work internationally and try to persecute for war crimes -- they are quite literally heroes. Fortunately, I work at the ground level, one-on-one with individuals, and their health/education problems. If I had to constantly deal with corporations and institutions and simply put, evil and power-hungry entities -- I think I might self-combust from anger. My heart couldn't possibly take it. Not that we can indefinitely escape the effects of problematic institutions that rule our lives.

It's a conundrum.

He was right. He had already trodden this path and found it barred: he knew the landscape and was already, in his pain, accustomed to it. It was she, blinded by the brightness of the flame, who could not yet believe that there was no way of dwelling in it.

-- Checkmate

This book is a giant quotable.

Here is non hoom. Here nis but wildernesse.

"Do you know, Philippa, what an unsuitable match is? It isn't the kind I shall have with Catherine d'Albon, or even the kind you will make with young Allendale. When one human being is trapped in the net of another's grand passion: then it comes about; and it is tragedy."

- Checkmate

Damn my need to understand things.


On real life: Need to be genki tomorrow -- 8 kids scheduled and it's the March holidays! Which means there's a likelihood they will all turn up and I will need to be on high gear for 8 hours straight.

March has been a busy month.

The long-awaited wedding for Hudy and Fadzli. All's well and good for the two of them, finally. Alhamdulillah!

Photos from the past two weekends:

The nikah night -- love the colours.

Khai being a hilarious, macam-paham photographer, 

next to the official photographer.

These two funny friends of mine. 

You guys make me laugh, in a good way, and make the tough times enjoyable.

It is oftentimes I wonder, how the friends I have became the friends I have.

Which is a point of argument I have had with Marli.

Do you choose your friends, or do they simply walk into your life?

Just like romantic love, it probably is a little bit of both.

The lovely couple.

And then us being bridesmaids! 

All decked in coral and lace.

It should be mentioned that us being bridesmaids involved having a mortifying 15 min or so on stage, giving our well-wishes in front of the entire audience and being interrogated by the very chatty MC about our love lives or lack thereof. I have never been so publicly harassed about being single before. I always feel stumped (and often annoyed) by the question, "Why are you still single?" 

How do you answer questions like that!

Love the flower-forest-pelamin.

In between the weddings, we managed to have the promised birthday trip to Batam for my Dad, where we did his favourite thing i.e. full body massage all round for everyone!

And we took local public transport (to Harbourfront station) as an entire family for the first time.

Could do with more R&R.

"Oh my heart,
Don’t become discouraged so easily.
Have faith.
In the hidden world, there are many mysteries,
many wonders.
Even if the whole planet threatens your life,
don’t let go of the Beloved’s robe
for even a breath.”
~ Mevlana Rumi

Alhamdulillah, more of the science saying what the Quraan (and apparently many other spiritual systems too) has always been saying about the heart.

The Quraan has always mentioned about how the heart thinks 

(literally, God often asks and reprimands, "Do you not have hearts that think?")

I've been reading up a lot on infant-attachment theories, parenting behaviour, theory of mind, and sociopathic tendencies, in view of my current social skills clinic training. Man, is this stuff fascinating or what. For example, if you often leave a child to cry and console itself in the first 6 months of life, then you've missed a crucial emotional bonding development window; after which, the child grows up not really caring if the parent or a random adult attends to them i.e. they don't have proper emotional attachment with a parent (honestly, it's natural for kids to scream bloody murder until they get, specifically, Mummy, and not anyone else). If you leave these children at childcare or with random strangers, they're likely to cry less or not cry at all. Which sounds awesome -- at first. Until you learn that it's a common symptom of sociopathic individuals! Who cannot form true emotional bonds, cannot trust, and cannot empathise!

I'd just like to say, I am very grateful for my parents. How much a parent affects the development of a child in the first few years of life especially is unspeakably huge. It affects one's entire life trajectory, almost. This is probably why in the hierarchy of gratitude, after Allah and the Prophet s.a.w., parents come next.

Everyone grows up learning how their parents fall short in some ways. They're human too. So when you're old enough to reflect and think, learn to forgive them, and be grateful for them, and return their love. How some people can stay resentful to their parents is plain immaturity to me. Do you not know that even your most basic functions of living, your ability to give and receive love of any kind, and your ability to think rationally, can be attributed to those first years of life when they didn't abuse, neglect or abandon you? If they had even in some small way done any of that, Subhanallah, you would have grown and turned out quite differently, likely for the worse.

This is a lovely rendition of Lonely, with a live band. It's been my earworm.

---

This whole business with homosexuality and what you can say, what you cannot say. Haiyah.

Isn't it that as long as you say something nicely, you can say anything? If you say very politely to my face, I'm sorry, I don't agree that people should be short -- do you think I would have just cause to be angry with you? No, right? You have a right to your beliefs. If I feel somehow affronted, hurt or angry, obviously it is my problem stemming from perhaps some lack of maturity or reduced perspective-taking abilities. It is very important that people be able to stand up for their truths, but is also equally important that respect is upheld. 

If people would just be nicer, the world would have at least half the conflicts it has now. Doesn't the Quran say, Speak good or don't speak at all?

By the way, just because coincidentally, my previous post featured a homosexual in a positive light, does not mean either that I agree with homosexuality. I disagree with it actually. I do not believe it is right. I do not believe it should be legal. But this does not mean I cannot think positively about a homosexual person! (because surely sexual orientation does not make up the entire person, right.)

Being in the profession that I am now, this brings me to think about the fact that homosexuality used to be in our old versions of the DSM (which catalogues by diagnosis the Western world's perception of disorders of the mind and heart). And because today, homosexuality has been removed from the DSM, it's been accepted as okay. 

Recently, I'd been reading about sociopaths / psychopaths or officially known as individuals with antisocial personality disorder. These are basically people with damaged empathy systems -- they are unable to feel guilt, remorse or pity and will relentlessly pursue their own gains at the expense of others. Not all criminals are sociopaths and not all sociopaths are criminals, but apparently half of serious crimes are caused by sociopaths (M. E. Thomas, Confessions of a Sociopath). These people tend to be highly skilled and highly deceitful, and therefore appear the image of success in society.

I've been thinking... if morality can be so flexible and homosexuality is considered okay now, then one day, wouldn't being a psychopath be considered okay as well? It's a scary thought. Already, the idea of it is gaining popularity -- just take the well-loved BBC Sherlock who claims to be a high-functioning sociopath. It's just a game of dice, isn't it? Let's see on which side of morality such-and-such profile falls.

Now, if you believe in an absolute truth, then it's a different story.

This is so touching.

What it takes to come out of the closet, rainbow-coloured or otherwise.

Any fictional text is profoundly experimental because the brain that interacts with this text is a dynamic system. (Hence, perhaps, the pleasures of rereading: no two encounters with the same fictional text are ever truly the same, for the brain that responds to the text changes ever so slightly with every thought and impression passing through it.)

-- Why We Read Fiction: Theory of Mind and The Novel, Lisa Zunshine

See? There's a theory to explain my habit of rereading or re-watching or re-experiencing beloved stories. Even my rereading my old blog posts is subject to how my brain has changed, or in general how much as a person I've evolved. I get a great satisfaction from looking at the same thing at a different time, maybe in a different place, but certainly with a different brain. Sometimes, finally, things click into place in a beautiful way, that in the past, I couldn't see.

...

So, recently, I re-watched the insanely popular Taiwanese drama from our teenage past, Meteor Garden (heheeeeeh, and I can't recall now, why I had the impulse), and now I've started a Jerry Yan marathon-thing. I've watched two of his other dramas and become unexpectedly, quite mildly-obsessed. I think it has got something to do with how he is somewhat a reserved personality (i.e. mysterious, different and interesting), and the fact that there is this fascinating somewhat-OTP situation he has in real life with Lin Chi Ling, that I am so incredibly curious about. (And of course, it helps that this man has that gorgeous smile.)

I have crazy, funny, conversations about it on whatsapp, that evolves instead into philosophies about love and life.

love is more thicker than forget
more thinner than recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail

it is most mad and moonly
and less it shall unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea

love is less always than to win
less never than alive
less bigger than the least begin
less littler than forgive

it is most sane and sunly
and more it cannot die
than all the sky which only
is higher than the sky.


e. e. cummings

If you haven't seen Disney's latest animated movie, you should! 

It's about sister-love, and strong women. And very lovely and amusing.

Today, I realised I was a speech therapist. Heheee.

What I mean is...  I realised that I had these skills, Alhamdulillah, and they have now become part of me. One can only do something well, I feel, when things start clicking into place by intuition, and you just know how things are to be done. When I see a child now, I size him or her up almost unconsciously and then pitch my language at their level immediately.

So I have parents ask, "How come he copies you! He never copies us at home..." And then I pause and think in my head, "Eh, why ah?" and have to rewind a little bit before I can give them the strategy that I used... unconsciously.

:) Alhamdulillah wa syukri li Rasulillah, I'm happy with work.

Subhanallah, these moments when you realise how much of an idiot you were previously -- are so horrifying. But Alhamdulillah that they come along, right.

Also... eesh. How do I better myself; this is SO HARD.

): and what if there's something fundamentally wrong with your personality -- can there be such a thing? And you have to revamp or something. Oh my God, I need to stop thinking so I don't get a headache.



On other things, went for an overdue lunch outing with my Arabic-class-friends and we stopped by Wardah bookstore, and I was like, "Wardah bookstore, you got read my blog ah???" Haha, cause this shop always appears to be out for my heart -- I literally gasped out embarrassingly loudly when I saw Martin Lings' Muhammad, from the earliest sources on the main display area. And hello, didn't I rave about this book just months ago, and here it is! And it's not like this book is new; it's ancient (almost). So, hahaha. Just -- this store always has my favourite things (well not HP or Lymond, but other than that, eheh) and appears to read my mind! Not to mention, I swear, it has every book that was ever mentioned by Shaykh Hamza on its shelves.

I could literally sit in that shop for hours and stare at the book spines lovingly, if I didn't feel so much like an idiot for doing that.

Friday night again, and happy night! Alhamdulillah. (:



Today we had a group therapy session, and when we asked, Hey, you guys know what special day it is today? For a while, to my delight, all we got was, Total Defence Day? They were so clueless about it being Valentine's...

Haha, how wonderful it is to be in childhood bliss. Stay ignorant of this commercialization of love, my dears.

SPOILER FOR LYMOND CHRONICLES

"Perhaps you've married the wrong brother. And that would be a pity. Because Francis lives in a passionless vacuum and keeps his love for abstract things."

- Richard Crawford to Mariotta, in The Game of Kings

This line hurts so much. :(

Richard, I do love you -- you are a sensible, honourable, and good man. And you are not at all stupid, by most measures of society. But next to the complexity and sensitivity that is Lymond, you can be as dense as a block of wood.

This hurts because Richard makes Francis sound like an unloving, self-seeking, egocentric, cold, persona -- but as any reader would know, Francis in truth is the exact opposite under the mask he creates (which of course implies that the bad image people have of him is his own making, deliberate or not). He's so self-sacrificial, so self-deprecating, and so deeply compassionate and altruistic -- I would have been seriously upset if he didn't get the happy ending he deserved in this series.

Then I thought again about what Richard said -- that Francis keeps his love for abstract things. And it reminded me of a conversation I had with S a long time ago now (read: long time ago is anything 5 years previous or more), when we were discussing religion. I asked her what the highest level of love an individual could possess was, and she said, "Love for the divine."

If anything, the concept of God is abstract (I've always wanted to ask an autistic person who has such difficulty with abstractness, about God -- but that's another topic for another time). 

Now, the character of Francis is by no means religious, and I think at one point he did appear more as an agnostic than anything else. What I'm getting to instead is the idea that if you aspire to abstract things, or you long for abstract things -- I think it makes you bigger and greater. It is only through this reaching for this abstractness that one truly becomes selfless and all-loving. Anything other than the love of God / divine / great cosmos / BIG ABSTRACT THING, has its roots in selfishness. 

To think that Francis killed his own child at one point for the greater good -- a man who doesn't believe in abstract things would't have been able to do that.

 Had a hmmmmm night, for lack of vocabulary.

A night of quiet reflection in the company of a good friend. (:

Helping others eventually really comes round, in the cosmic realm, to help yourself.

Something hilarious that happened last night -- cockroach fiasco!

The women in the house were screaming, and all the men did was ask, "Oi, what is happening!"

Tonight I feel like Nodame.

Nodame when she had her world overturned, and suddenly realised, "You mean I can't play music the way I always loved before? You mean, I have to win?" Nodame when the real world crashed around her.

But just like Nodame, I hope I'll learn to shine bravely.

I choose truth and honesty any day

"For a humanist," she said, "you're very scathing on the subject of virtue. For one thing, you shouldn't confuse stolidity and self-control."

"You admire self-control?" he asked, and she took her chance.

"I admire candour."

He retorted instantly. "Oh, nothing better -- in the right place. 'It's only right you should know' -- I wonder how many that classic betise has driven to the river and the dagger and the pillow in a quiet corner. Truth's nothing but falsehood with the edges sharpened up, and ill-tempered at that: no repair, no retraction, no possible going back once it's out. If I told you I'd murdered my own sister you'd register appropriate feelings of hate and revulsion; and if you found later I hadn't, I'd be sure of your interest and sympathy in twice the depth of your hate. Whereas, if you simply found proof positive that I had killed her..."

"... I might loathe you, but I'd respect your courage," she said candidly. "Besides, that sort of truth wouldn't hurt me, would it? It might affect you, but then you'd deserve it."

She had surprised him into laughter. "Oh, God! Generously abstaining from the sword in order to macerate with a cudgel. Pax! Leave me some pride. Pretend at least that you wouldn't collapse in a delirium of joy as I dance a vuelta on the widdy. In any case, I stick to my point. Not ninety-nine women out of hundred really prefer that kind of honesty; and even if you are the hundredth, I'm the last to help you prove it to yourself. No. Si vis pingere, pinge sonum, as Echo rudely remarked. If you want a full study of me, then paint my voice. It's all there is on display at present."

-- Game of Kings

Oh, the layered meanings in all of this.

If there was anyone to hold a candle to Philippa, it would have been Christian, who I adore. This book is just filled with awesome and strong women.

And has there ever been a moment in his life when Francis didn't blame himself for the death of someone? Maybe only when he was 7 years and under or something!

I had to click on this because it was Mehdi Hasan and Russell Brand 

-- and oh my god, is this a brilliant one hour interview or what. Loved this!

It is rare to see Mehdi Hasan without a comeback, 

sitting with his hands over his face, laughing away 

and trying to gather his wits over this other genius of a man. 

It's true -- some of the smartest people in the world are the funny ones.

Knowing more about Russell Brand now makes me wonder 

how it all went down with Katy Perry in the end, haha. 

This year is starting out difficult.

But that gives me hope, because difficult starts are normally followed by smoother, happier slopes, insya Allah.

Anyway, happy Rabiul Anwar! it still is this wonderful month (I have recently scarily splurged on a white baju for Maulid celebrations -- a story I should not actually share because I feel guilty as frak); and I have a related video to share below. 

I like the analogy he shared at the end -- that curses and insults on an honourable character being like attempted spits at the moon. Everyone should aspire to this -- don't let bad words faze you because your true worth should be untouchable, just like how our beloved Prophet s.a.w. exemplified. Except of course, the Prophet s.a.w. is truly untouchable and exalted above all others.

It really is appalling how people can not know this amazing human being, and how much they are deprived when they insist on remaining ignorant and blind.

happy night!

Exhausted like frak (my eyes feel super heavy -- omg, crazy sleep debt), my weekend schedule is already packed (with 1 million+ errands) -- but I feel happy. Inexplicable high moments like this make me wonder if it's the quick coffee I downed when I bumped into Datin Mini at the airport... But no, I think it's the being with people I love, and being able to step back and see how blessed my situation is. Really, not everyone is able to do this -- just step back and get out of your funk. Get out of whatever meddling problem your life is centered upon at the moment (because there will always be one that takes center stage), get a good perspective, and say Alhamdulillah.

---

A happy pic spam!


The SLT Annual Tea Party I got roped into planning last year -- small and sweet.
And two lovely friends that dropped by:

SLT Day at Scape where STs from various institutions connect with each other and the public
-- have I said how my classmates were awesome, 

and still are some of the most awesome people I know?

Old friends
-- aren't we glad for all that crazy history we have together? makes for so much fun.
only old friends know the true extent of crazy one has.
(btw, ridiculous cutlery in the foreground of this picture!)

Arabic class (:

I never want to miss a lesson 

-- because learning a language, and a heavenly one at that, is such a joy for me.

And more of a joy when you have amazing people around.

Good to have a sister with whom randomness is always welcome.

And with whom private jokes/references are golden.

May we all strive for the kind of beauty that God loves.

Tonight I will not be emo, but I will be a... fangirl!

Haven't been a full-fledged one in a while, have I.



I have been reeling from the happy-shock and overwhelming giddiness of having discovered a tiny Lymond fandom on tumblr -- tiny because I don't think it's more than the same 10-15 people or so blogging constantly. Yesterday, while passing time till my physiotherapy appointment (a story for another post, perhaps), I opened my Tumblr dashboard and was greeted by a Lymond discussion post. Which led me to track a lymond tag, and discovering a small but lively group of fans posting much love about it, in various forms.

For instance, there is incorrectlymondquotes, which attempts to write bits of canon dialogue or characterization into wacky, and blunt versions:

Adam Blacklock: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.

Danny Hislop: We attack the Tartars with hummus.

Then there are others who discuss, about themes, and feminism, and plot movements. Some who envision fics to write, but acknowledge that any fic will never measure because the canon version is so beautifully written that no fic can ever attempt to match, and canon is so complete and rich so what's the point? This post is hilarious and brilliant, it has to be shared, where the author comes up with ideas for various fic genres, for instance:

Amnesia: which is actually already canon jesus christ dorothy but maybe i can do something to hurt francis even more hahahhaha i mean Imagine if it were Philippa? Sometime after they’ve settled into being married, Philippa loses her memory? And doesn’t remmeber… most of what she’s experienced with Francis. YES OBVIOUSLY THIS IS HOLLYWOOD AMNESIA, SHHHHH She hates him, ahhhh hahahaha, she hates him SHE HATES HIM SO MUCH, and Francis would want her back, but I do not forone second believe he would do crappy romcom-style stuff like trying to ~make her remember.~ Literally the second she said ‘I don’t like you, get away from me’ he. would. back. off., but he also wouldn’t be able to just leave because they’re, well, they’ve built a life together, and it would just be awkward and painful and amazing and maybe she never gets her memories back ever oh my goooooood and he has to leave her forever because she never forms that new, positive opinion of him because they can’t go through everything they went through all over again and oh my goooooooood it would be the most agonizing thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing

Bodyswap: well, Francis and Richard going all Freaky Friday is almost too good to pass up, lbrh. But that would be comic relief. The real disaster would be Francis and Gabriel switching places. Which, obviously, is the road I’d want to see this sort of story go down. (You can even have an HP AU version: “You didn’t really believe polyjuice was the only way to accomplish this, did you?”) I guess I’d be interested in either a non-HP curse/magic one, or a future!science brain swap one. The only thing these ideas have in common for me is that Philippa knows Francis isn’t Francis fucking immediately. Or rather, it’s not that she knows first, it’s just that she is willing to admit to herself that what she knows is true before anyone else is willing to admit it to themselves. So she knows, and even though she doesn’t like him at the start, she likes Gabriel a whole lot less (isn’t this kind of the plot of the novels?), so she helps fix it, somehow. In the magic one, Gaultier and Marthe are the sorcerer and his apprentice who make the switch happen. In the science one, Gaultier and Marthe are the doctor and assistant who make it happen. So, I guess these two half-baked notions have Gaultier and Marthe in common as well. That’s all I’ve got.

(And ohgod, what's wrong with me, I can't recall -- who on earth in canon had amnesia? Are we referring to Lymond's bout of headaches that render him unconscious?)

And then there is the ever-constant undercurrent of why is Lymond not more well-known and made into a TV show? If they could make a decent Game of Thrones adaptation, a decent Lymond series is not impossible. I think it'd need less prop and CG effects and therefore less capital. I know it may end up just terrible-beyond-terrible, but a film adaptation is fundamentally a tribute to the greatness of a story, and hello, this series is one heck of a story that so many are missing out on. It needs to be made.

And besides, we have a suitable candidate again I think, now that Peter O'Toole (who was Dunnett's choice) is no more -- that is, Tom Hiddleston -- who is awesome in many ways and can possibly pull off Lymond, though maybe not as pretty. Please, before Hiddleston too gets waaaay too old to be casted (he is already way older that Lymond was in Game of Kings!).

People are spreading the love:

It reminds me of my own early days of Lymond. I distinctly recall having to go sit for CTs (i.e. common tests back in JC) but wishing the whole time I could read ("THERE ARE WORDS THAT NEED READING" indeed) instead of sit in an exam hall, and what was the point anyway -- I was so screwed grade-wise cause I was up all night reading Lymond instead of studying, haha! 

God, how on earth did I manage to survive A-levels like that?

I started reading Lymond when I was 16, and finished the last book, I think just after I turned 18. After which I roped my best friends into it (with some success!) -- and birds, if you're reading this, do you guys have any idea how easy it is to google our old forums??? They are no longer private -- I repeat, they are NOT PRIVATE. There are quite incriminating things there -- DUCK, do something.

I laugh so hard reading our old posts, Lymond-related or not:

And I don't think Pige's gonna read Lymond. Seeing how Eunice's brain almost exploded from reading Lymond, think Pige'll sort of become discouraged.

Okay, I have decided -- that's it! Tomorrow, will be an uphill climb out of this emotional pit.
I didn't realise I'd fallen into one.

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

Overheard a bollywood song on tv, and my own nostalgia came back.

Here's one of the saddest love stories ever made

(and ripped from an old Hollywood movie, but who cares 

cause bollywood multiplies the emo by a million and makes you cry a bucket of tears)

It bears happiness and sadness

Still, it remains silent

No one has yet learned

What life is saying

They don't seem to make Bollywood movies like this anymore. I know some can be tacky, but they were fun and fairytale-like. And very indulgently emo.




And speaking of emo -- I want to headdesk. No, seriously. Seriously.

How is it that people become so clouded by emotion that they cannot be objective anymore. I know I'm one to talk, being a very emotional creature, I admit -- but I think I try very hard not to let my biases or feelings about a person cloud my intellectual judgement regarding a situation. In fact, I normally try to counter my emotions so much that I think I may be too harsh on myself.

What was it -- have emotions, but don't be emotional? Recognise how angry you are, how upset you are, how hurt you are, how moved you are, but then move a step back and take control of those feelings; put them aside, and think clearly. People, please.

hahaha!

Already working for a year but it still feels I have so much to study and so little time to learn it all.

And still not having enough time to read all the books I want to read!

First post of 2014.


Look at the number of years. How long this blog has been.

And how long I've battled you, maybe all in my head. Regardless, I am so terribly tired, you have no idea.

This is so interesting!!!!!!

It mentions the horrific Abu Ghraib incident and the famous Stanford Prison experiment, 

the latter of which Philip Zimbardo himself was involved.

There are 3 paths we can choose to walk on:

(i) The path of villainy

(ii) The path of passive indifference

(iii) The path of hero

7 Social Processes that Grease the Slippery Slope of Evil:

(i) Mindlessly taking the first small step

(ii) Dehumanization of others

(iii) De-individuation of self (Anonymity)

(iv) Diffusion of personal responsibility

(v) Blind obedience to authority

(vi) Uncritical conformity to group norms

(vii) Passive tolerance of evil through inaction or indifference

---

I was at a small sharing session about special needs kids, by Sheikh Abdel Aziz Ahmed Fredericks (who has a cool, therapy-like job, besides teaching Islamic knowledge).

A mother had asked how she could explain to her daughter why her brother who had significant difficulties was going to Jannah, despite being "so naughty". And because there is a belief that special individuals have a free ticket to heaven, are we not depriving children with special needs of that space in Jannah by trying to remediate or rehabilitate them?

The sheikh started with saying that everyone has their own ibtilah. And it is how we respond to that challenge in life that brings us closer to God. There is this hadith:

Rasulullah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: "Allah said, 'If I deprive my slave of his two beloved things (his eyes) and he remains patient, I will let him enter Paradise in compensation for them.'" [Sahih Bukhari] 

But it is not for the fact that he is blind that he goes to paradise; it is his patience. So every ibtilah, has its corresponding passing grade, we could say. Also, regardless of the ibtilah, one still has to strive to be a good slave. So for some people, their challenge is to be patient, to keep smiling despite an affliction, and that will win them God's mercy. And for some people, because their ibtilah or difficulty on Earth is so great, all they need to do is breathe, and they have God's mercy and a place in heaven.

Subhanallah. I really wanted to cry. I'm sure some of the parents already were.

I think everyone should attempt at least once in their healthy adult lives to live with an elderly, and also with an infant child (preferably at separate times because a double whammy like that will render the carer beyond exhaustion). It affords a sobering reminder and perspective of the frailty of human life. How truly independent can anyone be, if this is how we begin and how we end (if we even get that far)?


If ever I happen to be reduced to my most basic instincts and routines, I hope the words primed on my lips will be of You.

Why can't popular music today be more of this strain and less of the nudity and sex and just licentiousness all around?

Music can be so inspiring. 

This was probably Mariah Carey at her best, hands down.

I used to sing this song all the time when I was younger.

Just reminiscing, 

and thinking about dreams, 

and looking for my hero.

Beauty is the thing least understood, but the most commercialised.

-- Shaykh Abdal Hakim Murad




It's December again! It feels like my class only just graduated as newly qualified STs, and I can't believe we're already a year into doing this.

This year has been new, awesome, scary, exciting, but also heartbreaking -- and Alhamdulillah for all of that! At the end of every year, I feel very grateful to be able to look back on the year. I've realised, some people don't reach the end of the year. Insya Allah, 2014 will be even better, Amin. (:

Some of the awesome things this year:

-- Resuming Arabic and making awesome Arabic-learning friends.
-- Starting work, and slowly learning to love my colleagues and my work.
-- Being able to work in Medan! A total highlight, honestly.
-- Australia trip, for SPA conference; and then spotting whales!
-- Becoming all-confident-and-independent-woman and learning to attend weddings alone.
-- Book of the year: Quiet (or actually, my current read will likely triumph when I'm done: Martin Lings's Muhammad s.a.w., his life from the earliest sources)
-- Learnt to open up my heart a bit more to people, albeit slowly -- learning to love unconditionally is a life-long journey, it seems
-- Becoming more certain of myself and my capabilities -- that I can be quite bold and brave when it's about things close to my heart

And tomorrow -- going off to visit the family in the Middle East. Hello, desert people!

I was thinking tonight.

That what I should fear most is realising, down the road in life or in the afterlife, that God had given me so many options and signposts, but I didn't take them. Please, My Lord, show me the way and help me have the courage to walk the way.

Cause sometimes, I feel so hesitant -- like I have to be 110% sure of something before I do it. Like I usually ask myself uncountable times -- Does it feel right? Does it feel right? Does it feel right? Before with trembling hands, I venture to take the first step.

I've discovered the awesomeness that was Dr Martin Lings.

An excerpt from his autobiography:

“Development” means moving away from the principles, and although it is necessary to move a certain distance from the principles in order to make applications of them, it is of vital importance to remain near enough for contact with them to be fully effective. Development must therefore never go beyond a certain point. Our ancestors were acutely conscious that this danger point had been reached in Islam hundreds of years ago; and for us, who are so much further removed in time than they were from the ideal community of the Prophet and his companions, the danger is all the greater. How then shall we presume not to be on our guard? How shall we presume not to live in fear of increasing our distance from the principles to the point where development becomes degeneration? And indeed it may well be asked as regards most of what is proudly spoken of today as development: Is it not in fact degeneration?


Also, his book on the sirah of the Prophet s.a.w. is just amazing to read. And it is available online! This is where I wish I had a LINE sticker to express how speechless and happy I am, because I have no words.




You know how you finally stumble on some crazy significant things, and you think -- what, where have you been all my life before? Why did I take so long.

After seeing a gazillion tumblr posts on it, I finally decided to watch A Very Potter Musical -- and it's such a riot! If you hadn't heard, it's a staged fan-made parody of Harry Potter that was first produced back in 2009 and then later spawned two more sequels that finished last year.

It's a parody, so of course, the plot and characters are made whacky -- for instance, Draco Malfoy rolls and slithers all over the ground every time he tries to make an entrance (I'm wondering if it's an attempt to be cool or like Cleopatra or something???). It's ridiculously funny! Voldemort has relationship issues and loves to dance. Harry compares his life to Spiderman's and explains to Ginny why they can't be together. Snape explains to the class that a portkey can be any sort of seemingly harmless object, like a football or a dolphin.

Haha, the insane lines, and the fandom fodder.

Ya Allah, to You I complain of my weakness,
my lack of resources and my lowliness before men.
Oh, Most Merciful of those who show mercy!
You are the Lord of the weak and You are my Lord.
To whom will you relinquish my fate?
To one who will misuse me?
Or to an enemy to whom You have given power over me?
If You are not angry with me, I don't care what happens to me.
Your favour is all that counts for me.
I take refuge in the light of Your countenance,
by which all darkness is illuminated.
And the things of this world and the next are rightly ordered.
I wish to please You until You are pleased.
There is no power and no might, 
save in You.

- Rasulullah s.a.w.



How much I love this.

there is no better exercise for the heart than lifting others

Back from Medan!

The work was great; didn't feel so much like work, although it was exhausting in its way. We conducted a 3-day workshop for special needs teachers. I lectured my parts entirely in Bahasa Indonesia and translated for my colleagues half the time. By the end of the third day, I sounded so much like an Indonesian, the locals started thinking I was one of them. (Hooray -- I am so not-so-secretly proud of my language skills, hehe.) Thinking about it now, actually, I would be mortified if I had to lecture anything entirely in Malay in Singapore. But when you're forced into a situation, you kinda just do it, you know.

A group picture at the end of the workshop:

I could keep doing things like this, I could. And it makes me think about my obligations here in SG -- I've been meaning to do things but I haven't gathered the guts to finally put my mind to it. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. If I keep saying it like a mantra, haha, maybe it'll help, insya Allah.

I keep wishing I'd have people to do things with. It's much easier, always, to do things together, in big groups or even in small ones. It takes the load off; the work, the accountability, the pressure. But then, while in Medan, and meeting these generous, big-hearted people -- I'd learnt something: though in the long run big projects are sustained through the efforts of many, it is usually a single person who had the guts to start. God, make me brave.




On a rather separate note, I have been re-watching bits of Downton Abbey, and fangirling over Dame Maggie Smith. She is crazy, adorable, hilarious and secretly smarter than all the rest of us put together.

Leaving for Medan tomorrow to do volunteer speech therapy -- and I get volunteer leave. Occasionally, it appears the hospital system has some awesome in it.


Alhamdulillah! Thank You for allowing me to do work that I feel I'd do anyway, for free. (:

It feels kinda nice that I come back to the same quotes and words over the years. It's like meeting an old friend or something -- like hey, I remember you. And thank you for the comfort you bring.



People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centred.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.



This has commonly been attributed to Mother Teresa, but I have learnt that yes, it was written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta; but it likely wasn't penned entirely by her.

Regardless. (:

Why is there ikhtilaf, disagreement, conflict?

I understand it's so that we may be tolerant of one another. And higher than that, to be appreciative of those that make life tough for us.

When nothing seems to help, I go look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it, but all that had gone before. 

Jacob Riis

vmars

I am so totally looking forward to the movie!

Veronica is by far the smartest and coolest girl on American TV, ever. 

Challenge me on this, anyone.

And then her saga with Logan, oh man.

Why, Logan, why. 

Why do you disappoint our awesome girl.

I don't know which scene best represents this pairing (I was considering the moment when Logan describes how they were epic -- except of course, he totally screws it up again the next morning) -- but then I realise this song -- Sway, by the Perishers -- 

will always remain a LoVe song for me:

God, make me bigger than myself

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love this!

I've been thinking how it's so easy to get lost in the daily grind of things as a working adult, chasing after typical adult achievements and milestones. It's so nice to be reminded that there are amazing people who break the norm and work for great things.

---

We all have this need to justify our existence, and if no one else valued my life, then of what value was it? If it had no value, why live at all?

A Muslim does not view his or her surrender to God as a defeat or a humiliation; he or she sees it as the only way to real freedom and becoming a human being in the full sense of the word. Thus, for the Muslim, Islam is more than a religion. It is a system of guidance: inward toward his true self and outward toward his fellow creatures, with his return to his Lord as his ultimate goal. At least seventeen times a day in the course of the five daily prayers the Muslim asks God to “show us the straight path”—the middle way which leads to inner peace. If it is found, then a passage is unveiled to a powerful, beautiful, and serene felicity in this life and to an infinitely greater one in the next. Man’s life is a struggle and a search for a wonderful, sublime, and most sweet surrender, and fortunate are those who attain that, for every human personality, whether it realizes it or not, yearns for submission—that is, Islam.

-- Struggling to Surrender, by Dr. Jeffrey Lang 

(it's a wonderfully free e-book that can be found here!)

A book I had noted somewhere to look up, and I finally happily did: 

about a man chronicling his journey to God.

When I am silent, 
I have thunder hidden inside.

-- Rumi



Why does it feel like every new week brings new challenges that crush my heart?

A father's letter to his Down's Syndrome child

This was so beautiful. Made me cry a river.

I too have heard from parents themselves, 

how they realise having a special child has been such a blessing.

Trust in Allah.

Trust in Rasulullah s.a.w..

When something seemingly undesirable happens in life,

realise that it too, comes from above.

So, Alhamdulillah.

Insya Allah, you'll see the blessings some day.

I was digging up that epic, blog exchange from a few years back, between Charles Wanke and Rosemary Urquico (Don't Date A Girl Who Reads, vs. Date A Girl Who Reads), and I found this instead:

(which trumps either because it's poetry!)

Your rainbow is shaded violet.

What is says about you: You are a creative person. You appreciate beauty and craftsmanship. You are patient and will keep trying to understand something until you've mastered it.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

Insya Allah, I am patient.



Had a nice dinner with friends tonight; a lovely end to a rather difficult week, not that the bedbug boy had anything to do with it, haha.

I've been thinking, and thinking so hard about whether I should blog, but then I realise I can't bring myself to. Not right now; maybe I will, on some other night. When I feel less like a bruised melon.

So instead I leave myself with this:

"You’re not bitter," he said. "He left you, too, and you’re not bitter. How do you manage that? Is it some Gryffindor thing I’ll never understand? I thought maybe," and he looked back down at his shoes, "maybe you didn’t care about him anymore."

"I do care," she said.

"But what if he isn’t worth it?"

She sighed. When she leaned back against the window, the glass was cold against her skin. “He is worth it. But even if he wasn’t, that wouldn’t mean I was wrong or foolish to love him, or that my loving him had been a mistake. We don’t love people because they deserve it. In the end what’s important is what that love says about you, that you’re capable of loving someone like that; most people aren’t capable of a tenth of that kind of real love, a hundredth of it. Most people would be terrified of it, if they could even imagine it. But you aren’t — you weren’t. You broke that bottle of antidote without thinking about it — ”

"Not entirely," said Draco, "without thinking about it."