There are
difficult days,
difficult days,
difficult days,
and then a good day.
And
It makes the earlier difficult days seem like good days too.
So may I live the coming difficult days like good days,
in wait of another good day
some day too.



I can't figure out how to put into words what happened recently without making it sound banal. Because it was amazing, but I don't think I can convey the awesomeness of it, really. I'd done something entirely by gut feel and a sense of passion and conviction; just kind of bulldozed my way about it too, because there was a rightness to it, and it just felt like what I should be doing. And then later to have it amazingly, almost unbelievably, entirely validated and approved, for almost everyone else to see... it feels like a nugget of gold.

On a personal level, it feels like a healing stroke to the heart, like a cooling touch; a kindly nod of approval from the Tester. Don't fret, S, you're on the right track. You're doing good.

Thank You for amazing tokens like this that help strengthen my faith and conviction,
and cushion my fragile heart.


At times like this, my faith in my own intuition and judgement is restored as well. Because, at the end of the day, I run on intuition more than anything else, and it's when I try to work against my own nature that I get agonised about things, I feel. The best decisions I have made in my life have always been done on a seemingly-irrational impulse felt in some deep way and with not that much conscious thought. I know it, I know this a 100%, but I can't really tell you why yet at the moment... or I want this, I really want this, don't ask me why. I like myself best when I don't doubt my inner voice. In fact, I have moments when I consult my inner sage and ask point-blank, "Come on, tell me. You know. I know you know. What do you think?" And depending on my overall emotional/mental/spiritual state, I may or may not trust her. I should trust her more. She tends to be more right than wrong.

Having said all that:
dear God, guide me in all my affairs; 
there is no Guidance but Yours.

really wanted to do this earlier but couldn't get the time;
awesome moments this past week that I want to keep:

* I was at coffeebean as per my usual -- in between therapy cases -- and about to buy my warm chocolate cake, and then the black-hijabed barista girl was like, Ohmygod, Kak Sham! And I had a freeze moment -- my brain went: um who? what. what's happening? I don't recognize this person, there are zero clues. hahah! It turned out she was one of my APEX girls I had taught years ago now, ohmygosh. She was also ohmygosh all about it, and how we hadn't seen each other for so long. She was so tiny when I saw her in school. Which made me feel old of course, except that she clarified she wasn't in her 20s yet ahah. And she was the sweetest thing cause she refused to let me pay for my drink and she took a snapchat of us (aduh, kanak-kanak zaman sekarang...). Then I finally sat down to my drink and cake and felt all happy inside. Because well, isn't it awesome to have taught such wonderful little souls and made some impact on their lives no matter how little. I got a free drink for starters!

* Book club members went over to Esplanade to support M's ensemble performance for the Singapore Lyric Opera Gala Night; and it was so lovely! I've really come to appreciate classical music in a way. Earlier this year as well, Datin S dragged me to a free SSO performance at Victoria Theatre. And I've come to realise that instead of it being possibly boring and lulling me to sleep, a pure musical performance can actually be engaging and even captivating. Anyway, we decided that we'd never been to anything more high-cultured before that night (haha!).

This famous piece called Carmen was one of the pieces performed and sung

(except without the actual acting and costumes):

* and then another awesome thing this weekend: I had therapy with A (my cousin's kid) as I have been over the past half-year or so, and I successfully made him have his lunch proper! He used to only eat oreo cookies, red velvet ice cream and often had to be (forced)fed meals. I conducted a SPOT session (the fussy eater clinic I was training for last year) all by myself and it worked and it's so amazing. I love being able to see the difference the little things actually make; he was eating from his spoon by himself, drinking from the cup by himself and ate carrots which he hated!!! Well, obviously he actually has little problem with eating and feeding iself, but just lacked the structures in place to make him have his meals proper. But even so! I was so happy. Not to mention that, he was most socially engaged with others during a meal and would copy words more often! Like "ready go!" and he copied "carrots!" I spent 2 hours with him in his house, and it's so much better than in a clinic for sure. (And I was actually like, ohmygod, I could earn a fortune if I charge for this hehe)

and lastly to end off, this
(which I heard from a speech by Tracee Ellis Ross,
an actress speaking out for all women):

I'm going to pay attention to the reality of my life and the audacity of my dreams
instead of the expectation of what I was raised with.

A repost of a (part of a) wonderful supplication and one of my eternal favourites; I've been in the habit of reposting lately:

O Allah! I ask that you give me from your presence such mercy that with it You will guide my heart, regulate my affairs, and put order into my disorder. And that You will fill me with perfect faith, and bestow on my outer, good deeds and You will render my deeds pure and sincere, and inspire me with a suitable way to gain Your Pleasure, and give me friends that will be familiar to me and protect me from all manner of evil.

O Allah! Fill my heart with light, and my grave with light; place light in front of me, and light behind me; place light on my right and light on my left; place light above me and light below me; place light in my ears and light in my eyes, and light in my hair and my skin and my flesh and my blood and my bones.

O Allah increase my light, give me such light that it is worth all of what  I have said and a light that will encompass everything that I could not say.

Glory be to the One Who is enveloped in dignity and Who has made Himself known by His Dignity. I glorify the One Who has enveloped Himself in greatness and Who, for this reason, continually offers extensive bounty to His slaves. I glorify the One Who is the only One worthy of glorification and holiness. I glorify the One Who possesses majesty and  beneficence. I glorify the One who possesses majesty and kindness. He is above all faults.

Amin.

...part of what makes Francis so compelling and also so awful is that you understand as a reader why he does and says the things he does, even while you wish desperately that you could reach into the page and slap your hand across his mouth. He's an injured cat who lashes out when anyone tries to help him, and you know why, but oh my god cat we're just trying to help you. I kept thinking of a lion with a thorn in its paw who would rather die of infection than let anyone close enough to him to take it out.

He can't deal with the reality that his mother either isn't his real mother or slept with someone who wasn't her husband, but it's much more difficult to freeze your heart when you're not in Russia.

-- Lymond review

oh my god cat, we're just trying to help you. hahaha absolutely love this line.



The older I get, the more I discover how much pain there can be in life. It's just that, I really get it now, I thought I already did, the impulse to want to freeze and numb yourself because the pain you experience is just too much. And I'm thinking, goodness S; how are you going to handle more of life in the future, if it already hurts this much? /God, help me level up, please./

And I get and understand that when you really, really, really hurt, it's very hard to be nice to other people. It's very hard not to be consumed by your own pain. I think this is how villains are made, actually. And that's the work isn't it: to fight against the easy, vindictive escape route.

Thank you brain pickings for sharing such awesome stuff:

The Story of the Chinese Farmer from Sustainable Human on Vimeo.

this is why, one of my major goals in life

is to achieve equanimity in the face of all life circumstances.

Maybe...

Next time someone tells me, "Ohmygod, that's terrible isn't it!"

I'll say, "Maybe."

And equally when someone tells me, "Ohmygod, that's amazing; that's great isn't it!"

I'll say, "Alhamdulillah, maybe."

Islam does often say how for the true believer, 

(apparent) fortune and (apparent) misfortune are the same. 

And that's why, once again, Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. Gratitude for all matters.

The only pleasure or displeasure is with God.

Snowflakes falling from the sky

are drifting further by and by

How much longer do I wait

How many sleepless nights remain

After the cold winter ends

Until spring decides to come again

Until flowers, they bloom again...

a repost, because this beautiful song is speaking to my heart right now.

💜 

The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas by Ursula K. Le Guin

I've been meaning to post these; it's a habit of mine as I'm sure of many others,

to save memorable phone chats:

so I'm due back at KK for a quick sharing with my team

and to touch base and maybe clear some admin --

and I get this kind of response from my colleagues, haha.

and it hit me how I'm going to really miss this team!

why am I an utter sap who loves too easily.

--

And then here's a Lymond related screenshot-series,

where I think I may have brought up how it does appear like

Lymond is sooo drama, especially in the last book.

(you have been warned for spoilers)

HAHA, bury my feelings under this bitchin' eagle.

honest to God, the biggest problems in life can be avoided

if we can all have honest and open conversations.

and have the courage to face up to ourselves,

so that we can move into the future.

fangirl post 2051

while BTS takes over US media at the moment as they spend

their week in LA and at the American Music Awards

(once again breaking barriers, wooooh clapclap),

I thought I'd blog about Baepsae --

the song I'd meant to talk about waaay earlier and rave about

but then withheld because I didn't want to appear too crazy a fan --

but now I realise it's far too late cause it's pretty much obvious

how much of a general nutso I am, and

how I love this group to pieces; so what the heck:

here's Baepsae.

The reason I'm blogging about Baepsae -- and it's not a new song of theirs either;
is because it's the song that made me a fan. I've realised this upon looking back.
I've been trying to figure that out, you see -- like, where was the turning point?

My first taste of BTS (as it was for many people) was the Dope MV that spread like a slow, steady fire on the internet (end 2015-ish). I can't recall anymore how I stumbled on it; probably from a reaction video, that led me to the actual video. I recall specifically being blown away by the dancing, the energy, and the put-togetherness of the whole video. It was so well-done, I'd never seen anything like it; I just kept rewatching that single video again, and again. But after a while... I drifted away from it -- was never a music person per se, much less a kpop person, you see. (Although yes, Big Bang fan here -- up until the point BTS took over my fan-life, for a good 4 years or so, my ringtone was Big Bang's Haru Haru; hehe, now it's BTS's Cypher Part 4's opening beat.)

And then YouTube feed (the way all social networks work in this day and age) informs me of a new BTS song called Fire. So very quickly, I was back at marveling at the wonder and talent of this group. They are so good at singing these great energetic songs and mesmerising us with their dancing in these beautiful music videos. But at this point, I was still a distance away from it all, until... I came across Baepsae.

I distinctly recall walking back from work and listening to Baepsae, and thinking, ohmygoddd, what is this amazing, addictive beat! And then I looked up the lyrics -- and it was ohhhhmygoddd, what they're saying is awesome! They're basically anti-establishment underdogs, who tell you to fight for your dreams; and the metaphors they use!

yes, so what I'm a crow-tit, you're a stork -- I'll try, I'll fight the system you have here that privileges you, you put us down all the time, but you'll see, we'll make it, and we'll win. After that point, I became voracious with BTS content. I'd figured, they were my thing. This is the kind of stuff I like! They are wonderful. They say amazing things but are cool, and hip, and on top of it all, sweet, and nice, and humble, and lovely young people, who emulate great teamwork and friendship.

Now they're making history. I'm such a big fan of their work, and I'm actually really curious as to how they will keep up that image of fighting the wrongs of the system, now that they're slowly peaking in the music industry. It's easy to sing about being underdogs, and being downtrodden, when you are underdogs, but now? That's the true test, right? What will you do now that you're in a position of power and influence. (As I say this I realise they just joined UN recently for an #EndViolenceAgainstChildren campaign recently, so yay, doing me proud so far.)


The true measure of influence of a piece of art/entertainment, I feel,
is the extent of fan activity that is generated.
(I bear witness to the blooming of HP fandom online since the early days of the internet.
E and I sometimes reminisce on the good old days when there were basically only 2-3 websites for HP fans*, and fanfiction was decent and contained within www.fanfiction.net.)

so anyway, I found these amazing acoustic English covers of BTS songs!

---

*who remembers the internet days of HP Galleries, Sugar Quill, and Gryffindortower.net? haha. I remember coming home from school and visiting those few places on a fairly daily basis for updates. oh, good old fangirling days.

and just, finally to finish, 

Crowley gives a good opinion here, heheh:

there are more important things

Yesterday, I suddenly thought of this, out of the blue, so I dug it up;
it made me feel warmed, motivated.

I'm so glad I discovered and fell in love with this book series in my childhood.


"I might be able to hold Snape off for a while, but I'm no match for him, really."

"But Harry -- what if You-Know-Who's with him?"

"Well -- I was lucky once, wasn't I?" said Harry, pointing at his scar. "I might get lucky again."

Hermione's lip trembled and she suddenly dashed at Harry and threw her arms around him.

"Hermione!"

"Harry -- you're a great wizard, you know."

"I'm not as good as you," said Harry, very embarrassed as she let go of him.

"Me!" said Hermione. "Books! And cleverness! There are more important things -- friendship and bravery and -- oh Harry, be careful!"

-- Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, JK Rowling


A bunch of wonderful 11-year-olds, learning early on, what the important things in life are.
And taking them on.
You know, like: if I don't do this, I don't know who will;
Someone's got to do it; okay, I will.

Excellent little vlog by a young fan

explaining why BTS is awesome!

💜

they are a phenomenon.

I love what these boys represent.

(and feel very gratified that I sort of saw this coming);

at moments like this, I have faith in my taste, haha.

and also! I've figured that my blog posts are rising because
(i) falling down the endless spiral of BTS fandom
(ii) my work that has me sitting at home writing reports -- except of course I will be distracted from my work every other minute, and blog instead
(iii) ?




Thank You God for all matters, and for all things.

seedlings of joy

I've been meaning to get to Andrew Solomon's book, The Noonday Demon!

This man has such an eloquence for telling his stories,

that probably comes from his own pain and the piercing insight he gained

from a lifetime of struggle.

A Buddhist scholar I know once said to me

that Westerners mistakenly think

that nirvana is what arrives when all your woe is behind you

and you only have bliss to look forward to.

But he said that would not be nirvana,

because your bliss in the present

would always be shadowed by the joy in the past.

Nirvana he said, is what you arrive at,

when you only have bliss to look forward to

and find in what looked like sorrows

the seedlings of your joy.

ohmygoodness, hahahaha, this just made my day --

and it's only 1.00PM

(FYI if you're clueless, these are BTS LINE cartoon characters created by the boys -- together with real artists of course -- and then these characters themselves have hilarious stories and antics; and obviously I've  already got them on my phone; and here, they attempt to do human-BTS's Go Go dance. Ohmygoddd, I'm short of squealing at the cuteness and hilarity of it all.)

I've just taken stock of my blog post counter for this year, and I realise this year's posts is the highest in 4 years! I've always wondered: what it is that brings me back here more often. Partly if I'm super excited and I'm fangirling -- so I suppose being down the rabbit hole of BTS fandom is part of the reason haha. But I've also always thought that when I struggle, I blog more. Because writing is my release.

We all know this, it's nothing really new;

and yet, reminders are necessary!

I like how she summarised the pillars of a meaningful life:
(i) belonging -- being acknowledged and loved for who you are, and not simply what you do or believe
(ii) purpose -- essentially boils down to serving others
(iii) transcendence -- can be art, can be religion; you forget who you are and transcend
(iv) storytelling -- telling your story in a good way that transforms you (and this affirms yet again, the power of stories)

Well, this is timely! In light of our recent book.

But then, when is the topic of love untimely...

I can't believe Oxford Union debated about this;

true love doesn't exist now?

But I guess in a secular world, it's a matter of course.

You deny God, you deny true love...

goodness, what's next.

---

You know how you get stuck with a problem

and you muddle over it, for days and days and days,

and you pray it goes away, or you pray for a solution;

and the idea of a solution is usually something you wish would come nicely gift-wrapped;

but then!

when a solution hits you; or as it is often in my case, 

when a solution starts to peep at you from a distance and slowly comes closer

until it's glaring you in the face and you can't ignore it any longer,

you realise, damn it; it's not something you want to do!

grrr.

these are the kinds of moments I'm scared of myself,

because once it's there I can't shut up and ignore it.

and there's no telling what I'd end up doing.

evolving

I had a good weekend; equal parts inspired and pained. C'est la vie, I suppose? I would think that at this age I would get that life is not quite about being happy, but more about embracing the breadth and depth that is the lived experience -- but it's still easier said than done, and it needs to be reminded.

Attended a wonderful event called Kindling Inclusion, where the project team shared their stories about setting up Singapore's first inclusive preschool, Kindle Garden. It's pockets of idealism like this that make this world wonderful to me. Basically, this little Totto-chan-like school has children with added needs (i.e. Down's syndrome kids, ASD kids etc) go along hand-in-hand with all other kids, with no differentiation in treatment or school curriculum experience. And the result is inspiring, and moves me to tears, no joke; this is how human beings should be to each other:

There was a panel discussion after that 

and the people in the crowd that day were just so awesome 

-- I have no words, just seven (+infinite more) purple hearts. 

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜 

And then I had book club which is super super super lovely these days,
and we are picking up momentum with the reading and our last discussion was about love:
that always talked about but still least understood of things.

Gustav Sonata was a nice, comfortable, and subtly beautiful read:

One evening, Adriana said, "Anton was very lucky that he found you on the first day of kindergarten. You've shown him such loyalty, Gustav, and I don't know whether he has ever really paid you back."

"Paid me back?" said Gustav. "Well I don't think of it in those terms. I love Anton. I have always loved him and that's just how it is."



Does wanting to be loved in return prevents one from being truly loving?

Yes, it seems.

But one is only human, and as E often laments -- we're often not evolved enough to take these difficult things on. But maybe we need to aspire to it at least. Or maybe that's the whole point. You don't evolve unless there's something to adapt to.

I really appreciate my new work life, the independence that it affords me. There are days I actually work entirely from home. I marvel at how I've sort of attained what I wanted in such a short time span, Alhamdulillah.

I realise though, I am reverting to my uni days lifestyle, where I sometimes sit in front of my computer or with my books, being distracted by everything else in the world but the work that I need to complete. Even right now, when I should be churning out my reports, I have decided I need to blog. (How is it that blogging has become a need for me. What an excuse, S.)

I have yet to succeed in overcoming my lack of discipline; or as Gustav in my most recent book-club-read The Gustav Sonata said, I have yet to master myself. On the topic of self-discipline, I am also often reminded of Nikola Tesla, whose account of his concerted efforts at self-discipline resulted in amazement at how, ironically, it led to him eventually being able to do what he truly wanted to do. Self-discipline is the key to achieving one's potential, but how do I become disciplined and not kill all my natural curiosity and whimsy? I cannot say that I actually regret my time reading random things or watching random things because I can add to my experience of knowledge and culture; some of the most amazing things I've learnt have been discovered in this serendipitous manner.

*claws* I actually do think that the nafs/appetitive self should be treated more or less like a child. If you keep indulging it, it gets spoiled. I've long taken to picturing my inner monologue as such (for my own self-amusement mostly, haha): 4 entities in my brain, with Aql or The Brain being the bossy one; The Heart being the needy, weepy, emotional one that annoys the hell out of Aql (the relationship between my heart and brain are nowhere as chummy as Awkward Yeti's; my Brain is really mean to my Heart -- I obviously have issues); a Spiritual entity I call my Ruh who is wise and says all these platitudes but is largely ineffectual and hence garners the contempt of Aql; and my Nafs which is a child-monster who doesn't speak but wreaks havoc (like a Hulk-monster thing) when Ruh forgets to put him on a leash. There have been many instances when Aql has tried to persuade Ruh that we should just throw Heart off a cliff or something because she is essentially a nuisance and a hindrance to all sorts of progress, but then Ruh will try to calm Aql down and convince Aql that there's something special about Heart we don't understand so we have to keep her. Ahahhh obviously this is some weird version of Inside Out the movie.


how did I get to all that when all I thought I wanted to do was share this excerpt from Oliver Sacks last essays before he passed on, Gratitude:

I have been increasingly conscious, for the last ten years or so, of deaths among my contemporaries. My generation is on the way out, and each death I have felt as an abruption, a tearing away of part of myself. There will be no one like us when we are gone, but then there is no one like anyone else, ever. When people die, they cannot be replaced. They leave holes that cannot be filled, for it is fate - the genetic and neutral fate - of every human being to be a unique individual, to find his own path, to live his own life, to die his own death.

My predominant feeling is one of gratitude, I have loved and been loved, I have been given much and I have given something in return. Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.

This is amazing -- except that I now realise how much of an atheist he is, because he had to put in there: the genetic and neutral fate, as though there was never any possibility ever that one's fate is in the hands of anything else. Which I find strange because the concept of fate... it'd be interesting to discuss fate with someone who has no notion or faith of anything supernatural, much less divine. And to have such gratitude as well; to whom would you be grateful then, if not God?

this song is one of my absolute faves at the moment!

I seriously feel like bopping every time I hear this.

it's just such a happy, bouncy, frivolous one;

and also, I have dimples! (okay, I have one) hehe.

Those dimples are illegal, illeeeeeegirl.

(Oh, the almost-unbearable puns!

Fandom joke is that Jin probably came up with it, haha.)

siddiq + wafa' (honouring one's promises) = ikhlas

amanah + nakhwah (ghairah for injustices) = harees

haya' (modesty) + shahamah (compassion) = rauf

shaja' (courage) + kareem (generosity) = rahmah (mercy)



I've said before, and it bears repeating: spiritual recharge is a happy pill. 😌

Been feeling down but then reminders about God and the big picture give great perspective; Alhamdulillah! Sustaining this state is the difficult thing eh. Tonight we laughed over how we metaphorised mindfulness to a switch inside us; sometimes we get heedless and deviate from clarity, cause our switches are off and our brains and hearts are not in the right place -- and so we have to flick our switches back on.

This mindfulness is key, eh. God, help me keep my switch on.