Don't think I'll be blogging here for a while till 2018
so I wanted to finish this year with something adorable at least:

Mang!

Who hasn't made an appearance but is my second favourite after RJ:

E just reminded me that this year is the 20th anniversary of the release of the first Harry Potter book! wow.


Anyway, I felt obligated to blog because December is ending, 2017 will soon be over, and my recent tradition of a let's-reflect-on-the-past-year is due. And I needed to say that for this year -- I sort of can't. Can't give a decent look-back-on-the-year post. I'm just exhausted, spent; just really, really tired. On record, I don't think I've felt more heartbroken than I was this year. And obviously the recent book I've been reading just made me confront that personally, and stopped me from running away from reality a little bit, which is what I realise I've been doing a lot of, on retrospect. I know that it sounds so emo, and a lot of flak comes from appearing emotional, but damn it, I kind of don't care anymore.

As emotional as I am, I pride in my intellectual logic as well -- which obviously creates an eternal vicious war between my heart and mind internally -- and it has come to my attention that everyone is in truth very emotional. Everyone. Even men; who knows, especially men, perhaps. I call BS if you say you aren't. Everyone just differs on how aware they are of how it controls and drives their everyday life, and how then they manage it. I don't think I've met anyone yet whose emotional awareness and control, I truly admire. A few names pop into my head, but even they perhaps fall short.

So, yes -- this is what I'm battling in life right now. Confronting the reality that I have an emotional self, the nafs perhaps, that cannot be ignored but must be understood, mastered, and fed in the right way. And at 30 years of life, I am discovering yet again, how wrong I was, how wrong I have been about some things. I know from experience, learning that I had been wrong and figuring then how to stand up again and find the rightness of things is usually extremely rewarding, because it is growth, it is an expanding.

But right now, I am still in the pit of things; I'm still looking for a climb up. It always feels despairing when you see other people doing the supposed big things: getting married, getting a house, having children, rising up the corporate and career rungs -- and here I am writing about my emotional self on a blog that has lasted since my teenage days, still feeling confused at times, still unsure at times, still wondering what to do with the same guy -- but learning very hard how to be brave. And learning that who I am is enough.


This is enough. See you in 2018!

Seek that wisdom
that will untie your knot
Seek that path
that demands your whole being
Leave that is not,
but appears to be
Seek that which is,
but is not apparent.

-- Rumi

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-- e. e. cummings




I'm still reading Brene Brown, and then I came across something that totally explained one of the beautiful lines from the Love Yourself highlight reels:

Why is it that the happiest of moments usher in sudden fear?

Most of us have experienced being on the edge of joy only to be overcome by vulnerability and thrown into fear. Until we can tolerate vulnerability and transform it into gratitude, intense feelings of love will often bring up the fear of loss.

-- Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

Revolution might sound a little dramatic, but in this world, choosing authenticity and worthiness is an absolute act of resistance. Choosing to live and love with our whole hearts is an act of defiance. You're going to confuse, piss off, and terrify lots of people -- including yourself. One minute you'll pray that the transformation stops, and the next minute you'll pray that it never ends. You'll also wonder how you can feel so brave and so afraid at the same time. At least, that's how I feel most of the time... brave, afraid, and very, very alive.

...

The ultimate act of integration is when the rising strong process becomes a daily practice -- a way of thinking about our emotions and our stories. Rather than running from our SFDs, we dig into them knowing they can unlock the fears and doubts that get in the way of our wholeheartedness. We know that rumbling is going to be tough, but we head straight into it because we know running is harder. We wade into the brackish delta with open hearts and minds because we've come to learn that the wisdom in the stories of our falls makes us braver.

...

I'd say the one thing we all have in common is that we're sick of feeling afraid. We want to dare greatly. We're tired of the national conversation centering on "What should we fear?" and "Who should we blame?" We all want to be brave.

-- Rising Strong, Brene Brown

70: 19 - 22

Human beings are created in a state of anxiety.

When evil touches them, they fret;

When good touches them, they withhold;

Except for the ones who pray / are steadfast.

I have a quarter left of this book I'm now reading, Rising Strong;
and it's about to beat Mindsight off the top of my non-fiction list.

Mindsight was fascinating as a foray into the field of neuropsychology.
Rising Strong is hitting me in the gut, and will remain one of the most important books I'll read in my entire life, I think -- partly perhaps due to timeliness, and partly credit given to its essential subject matter.

I've never cried so hard reading a non-fiction book;
perhaps I've never had any book that triggered my tears this much.
It's actually painful, I'm not kidding. I know I exaggerate often and lavish praises;
but this afternoon, I was sitting in the library reading this and was swiping tears and trying to look out the window so as not to attract attention. I even contemplated having a moment in the bathroom for a good cry. Every chapter she shares brings up painful personal matters that I know I need to address; things about myself I need to confront; stuff I need to manage;



my heart has been breaking, breaking, breaking,
and I can't pretend or hide it anymore.


A Pixar maxim:

The protagonist looks for every comfortable way to solve the problem.
By the climax, he learns what it's really going to take to solve the problem.
This act includes the "lowest of the low".

-- Rising Strong, Brene Brown

The Rumble

1) What more do I need to learn and understand about the situation?

2) What more do I need to learn and understand about the other people in the story?

3) What more do I need to learn and understand about myself?

In the absence of data, we will always make up stories. It's how we are wired. In fact, the need to make up a story, especially when we are hurt, is part of our most primitive survival wiring. Meaning making is in our biology, and our default is often to come up with a story that makes sense, feels familiar, and offers us insight into how best to self-protect. What we're trying to do in the rumble -- choosing to feel uncertain and vulnerable as we rumble with the truth -- is a conscious choice. A brave, conscious choice.

-- Rising Strong, Brene Brown

I'm quite sure I posted about this lady Brene Brown before,

whose talk on vulnerability years ago now,

remains one of the best TED talks anyone should watch.

But I only got her book Rising Strong recently, and delved deeper into her themes of vulnerability and courage and shame and fear. And man, is she right about how unsettling and agitating this is. She says in her talk about how this research led to her own breakdown, and I can really see why now. Understanding this subject matter deeply makes you question the way you live your entire life, and makes you reflect how badly it is that you've been doing things, and how you really need to change.

It's upsetting me. Because it's telling me to do things I don't want to do. Because she's right, it's uncomfortable, it's scary, and it will hurt -- but that's courage, right. God, I'm almost wishing I can walk away from this and pretend not to care.

One of the things I commonly pray for is courage, always feeling how much l lack it. And right now, I'm almost wishing I didn't ask God to make me brave. Because I don't think I can be brave. It's taking too much of my energy reserves to do this; I'm just too exhausted. I've been feeling so tired; wouldn't it be better and easier to just not care.

😔

Despite what I just said, dear God, help me be brave.
And maybe I'll have more energy to work at this on another day.

The Rising Strong Process 

The goal of this process is to rise from our falls, overcome our mistakes, and face hurt in a way that brings wisdom and wholeheartedness. 

The Reckoning 

Men and women who rise strong are willing and able to reckon with their emotions. First, they recognize that they're feeling something -- a button has been pushed, they're hooked, something is triggered, their emotions are off-kilter. Second, they get curious about what's happening and how what they're feeling is connected to their thoughts and behaviours. Engaging in this process is how we walk into our story. 

The Rumble

Men and women who rise strong are willing and able to rumble with their stories. By rumble, I mean they get honest about the stories they've made up about their struggles and they are willing to revisit, challenge, and reality-check these narratives as they dig into topics such as boundaries, shame, blame, resentment, heartbreak, generosity, and forgiveness. 

Rumbling with these topics and moving from our first responses to a deeper understanding of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours gives birth to key learnings about who we are and how we engage with others. The rumble is where wholeheartedness is cultivated and change begins. 

The Revolution 

Unlike evolutionary change, which is incremental, revolutionary change fundamentally transforms our thoughts and beliefs. Rumbling with our story and owning our truth in order to write a new, more courageous ending transforms who we are and how we engage with the world. Men and women who rise strong integrate the key learnings that emerge from the rising strong process into how they live, love, lead, parent, and participate as citizens. This has tremendous ramifications not only for their own lives, but also for their families, organizations, and communities.

-- Rising Strong, Brene Brown

---

It all seems connected: the story of Bangtan rising strong, for one;
I bet you this is one of the major reasons they appeal so much to everyone.
Thank you, dear boys, for being such an inspiration to everyone.

People glorify the ending of a story when it's all great and good; 

but when you're in the middle of your story, 

not at all certain you're in a story worth telling at all, 

it's dark, and painful, and bleak. 

No one seems to care about that bit;

worse, some people will throw you off-track,

and that's where a lot of us falter.

That's where inspiring stories like BTS are such a source of strength, comfort, and hope.
And they sing about it too!

daijoubu datte, oh yeah

itsuka wa good day, tozen...

kitto brighter tomorrow...

yessssss,

what he said.

I think we all do this to some extent, and it is an exhilarating and liberating feeling.
I feel it most when I let my thoughts wander in this space,
and when I converse with special persons -- when we go into a shared head space
and take that flight, that trip, that brings us to new thoughts and ideas,
Alhamdulillah.

And I just realised how much harder it is to sustain that risky flight long-term;
for big projects that require prolonged and protracted periods of journeying,
or the big project that is life that takes essentially all of your time --
to live life creatively is to live courageously.

---

It was only a matter of time before someone made an anime video of this,

and it's lovely.

I love their happy-sad love songs.

It perfectly captures that aching hope that is so central to love.

cuteness number 2!!!

RJ the alpaca still my fave, 

and then Koya here. 

Oh gosh, I need me a cute little animal.

Also, today was a great day meeting up with the NFC work team,

ambitious, well-meaning, big-hearted people --

and on top of everything,

I found fellow kPop / BTS fans and now 

we make a tripartite group; 

and oh, it just makes work that little bit extra fun.

💜💜💜

Actions are by their intentions.

This is so distressing.

The saving grace is that there are actually men like Shaykh Hamza who show sincere concern about this subject. Watch the lady with the shoulder-length hair, and her body language; she's probably had a lifetime of distrust of men and hence put Shaykh Hamza in the same box; and obviously Shaykh Hamza being who he is, calls her out on it gently toward the end of the exchange, and the tension dissipates nicely before it's all over. And though I cringed at her behaviour toward him throughout the interview, I get it. I get her. She has probably had a whole life of being dismissed by men and immediately put down for being vocal about her concerns, the Malay community being what it is (what a terrible woman! a shameless woman!) -- so that the expectation of any men being sincerely for the cause of women is non-existent; that kind of man is a rare species she has had little to nil experience with. Some people wonder why women love Shaykh Hamza so; seriously, you can wonder? I don't know another Muslim scholar who shows this much sincere empathy, concern, and true admiration for women. Women have never felt so truly and visibly appreciated by a Muslim scholar in contemporary times. We can tell the difference, when you preach to us out of condescension or out of love and respect.

And it is through my awareness that men like Shaykh Hamza can exist, and through my faith that the Prophet s.a.w.. would for sure (confirm plus chop) be on women's side, that I don't become resentful or reactive to my faith. That I am able to redirect my confusion or frustration to the right things; Islam is blameless, pure, and just. Terrible people corrupt its image. Small and weak men bring misery and oppression to women; real men are not threatened by strong women.

And here's the thing, and though I'm making somewhat of a sweeping statement here, I believe it is true: that feminists are born from disappointment with men. It is in the nature of most women to serve and be mostly content with behind-the-scenes jobs; to learn, grow, and function in small spaces not seeking glory; but just because we welcome the supporter and cheerleader role does not mean we welcome disrespect in equal measure. What, just because I'm your supporter, I'm less intelligent than you??? Because I concede to take on the domestic work and child-caring, I must be of less worth than you strategizing military campaigns? Feminism takes root when femininity is not respected by men; when men think that the natural work of women must surely be less than theirs and therefore by extension, women must be less (and since women are less, we shall then give them less); when women then realise that they have to fight for respect and for rights, and start clamouring for men's spaces to win that respect. As a collective, men themselves have led to the rise of feminism. If men had only loved and respected women for who they were, we wouldn't have women going out of their way to prove their intelligence, strengths, and capabilities. I do think that even the most extreme feminist is in reality hoping to discover that a man who respects her wholly, and who is then worthy of her respect, exists in the world.


And I am reminded of Marthe -- hardcore 16th-century fictional feminist -- who softens in her anger, having finally met a worthy man in her half-brother, Francis:

"... You see," said Marthe. "I am not here to mock. I have worn out my revenge. You have guided me into a world which has been closed to me all my life. You have shown me that what I hold by, you hold by and more. You have shown me strength I do not possess, and humanity I thought belonged only to women. You are a man, and you have explained all men to me..."

His eyes were closed, nor did he give any sign that he had heard her. Marthe smiled, and moving closer, laid her hand for the first time on his. "Francis. It is morning. Come and sleep."

-- Pawn in Frankincense, Dorothy Dunnett

Ohmygoodness, the sweetness of this sibling scene 💜  Marthe deserved more happiness.

I finished The Tale of Shikanoko series by Lian Hearn;
I liked it and I didn't expect to.
This story kind of snuck up on me nicely.
And the overarching theme of the story, of fate and destiny,
and sacrifices for the greater good, left me with a nice, melancholic feel.


Next Akihime came into his mind, as strongly as if she stood before him. He thought he heard her say, "It was not you who killed me or caused my death. We disobeyed the gods; we were punished for it. Masachika took me prisoner, Aritomo ordered my torture, the Prince Abbot carried it out. Punish them if you will, but don't punish yourself any longer. I was dying before the serpent bit me -- maybe it saved me days of suffering. And although what we did together was wrong -- we were so young, we knew nothing about the world -- our son came from it."

He recalled Sesshin's words: 

This is why you should never concern yourself over your fate; everything follows the laws of destiny and therefore happens for a purpose.

Saw this serendipitously one after the other

(never coincidentally, but at least serendipitously -- with its connotations of fate):

In the remembrance of God do our hearts find rest.

I get really upset and angry with someone, but then I think,
okay, I'll just let it slide (because you know, let's keep peace);
but then, after a while I realise I'm on edge with said person,
and snappish and easily riled -- and then it keeps building up,
and then a fight or emotional outburst finally happens over something apparently trivial...

and it wouldn't have happened if I had confronted the person at the first instance.

Healthy relationships involve upfront, open, and heart-to-heart exchanges.
God I wish I could have more of those.

Posting this just because it remains one of the cutest things in over a week

and this space needs something happy:

I need me an adorable alpaca.

You know, some days are just really, really hard for me for some reason.
And it's not like anything changes in particular; but perhaps consciously or not,
something set me off on the wrong track at the outset of the day --
somebody unthinkingly said something that sends all my strong steely resolve crumbling --
and then the rest of the day requires all the deep reserves of energy for me to sustain. And then
I come home completely spent and have to just lie on the bed for a good hour before I do anything again.

I do have some level of tenacity in me, and despite all the crap I feel, there are times I feel very inspired and psyched and ready to do things; there are days I feel inspired by my very self. So it really bums me when I lose grip on this, and I feel like I'm staring into an endless bleakness instead. At low moments like this, amusingly two scenes from the past always come to my mind: my tearing up uncontrollably while queueing up in the canteen back in RJ, and my physically being in beautiful, gorgeous Switzerland on holiday with my family but feeling all terrible inside. I think they were quite significant benchmarks for feelings of low-ness. And what makes me even more miserable is thinking that, today, even at this age, I can still feel this crappy. Or perhaps, it could get even crappier.

My constant question to myself is how to keep up the positivity; how to keep up the strength and courage to do things and live life well even when it feels bad. I wish I had people around me I connected with more; but I withdraw instead because I feel it gets toxic to be around them. They make me feel smaller than I already do. I feel like I need more safe spaces but it's not in my house, unfortunately.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with one of my cousins while we were in Japan recently, when she as much said how her entire family thought I was a strange individual who has fortunately changed for the better over the years. Despite striving to be the bigger person and taking her perspective; in retrospect, that whole exchange left a bitter taste. It confirms yet again the lack of connection I experience; and my very accurate perception of how people don't seem to get me and then subsequently judge me. And it makes me want to disconnect with them even more. Why should I put in so much effort to connect with persons who never appear to value the real core of me? Why should I pretend to be something else?

There are good days when I believe it is not me, it is who I'm with that's the problem; I'm not with my tribe. I'm not with people who vibrate on the same wavelength. But there are some days... I think maybe there is no tribe ever; and I am truly defective. At which point, my escape has always been literature, I suppose. Or some space or art that can give release to the unique distress I feel I experience. And I do have an individual friend or two whose wavelengths resonate with mine; and they are my sounding board. When I get that recharge, Alhamdulillah, I feel I am able to face life again. But the cycle repeats itself.

I sometimes wonder if I'm just supposed to get that this is life. That maybe, at some level, we all feel like this? (But if we all do, then how can some humans be so heartless and mean! And sometimes plain dumb.) This is why life is painful, temporary, and not our final abode. This world is a low place, for sure.

C'est la vie, S.

this is awesome fanwork, to go with my sombre mood

(although I promise, writing about it already makes me feel that little bit better)

it's a mashup of all their solo songs on their WINGS album; and I realise how much heavy content their previous album had. the songs are full of pain, and growth, and hurt -- and so beautiful. 

people who say BTS is just another boy band -- fight me.

RM's lyrics especially, are always to die for.

Sometimes I think, RM is to me what Sho was to YJ, hehe.