And it's not like anything changes in particular; but perhaps consciously or not,
something set me off on the wrong track at the outset of the day --
somebody unthinkingly said something that sends all my strong steely resolve crumbling --
and then the rest of the day requires all the deep reserves of energy for me to sustain. And then
I come home completely spent and have to just lie on the bed for a good hour before I do anything again.
I do have some level of tenacity in me, and despite all the crap I feel, there are times I feel very inspired and psyched and ready to do things; there are days I feel inspired by my very self. So it really bums me when I lose grip on this, and I feel like I'm staring into an endless bleakness instead. At low moments like this, amusingly two scenes from the past always come to my mind: my tearing up uncontrollably while queueing up in the canteen back in RJ, and my physically being in beautiful, gorgeous Switzerland on holiday with my family but feeling all terrible inside. I think they were quite significant benchmarks for feelings of low-ness. And what makes me even more miserable is thinking that, today, even at this age, I can still feel this crappy. Or perhaps, it could get even crappier.
My constant question to myself is how to keep up the positivity; how to keep up the strength and courage to do things and live life well even when it feels bad. I wish I had people around me I connected with more; but I withdraw instead because I feel it gets toxic to be around them. They make me feel smaller than I already do. I feel like I need more safe spaces but it's not in my house, unfortunately.
This reminds me of a conversation I had with one of my cousins while we were in Japan recently, when she as much said how her entire family thought I was a strange individual who has fortunately changed for the better over the years. Despite striving to be the bigger person and taking her perspective; in retrospect, that whole exchange left a bitter taste. It confirms yet again the lack of connection I experience; and my very accurate perception of how people don't seem to get me and then subsequently judge me. And it makes me want to disconnect with them even more. Why should I put in so much effort to connect with persons who never appear to value the real core of me? Why should I pretend to be something else?
There are good days when I believe it is not me, it is who I'm with that's the problem; I'm not with my tribe. I'm not with people who vibrate on the same wavelength. But there are some days... I think maybe there is no tribe ever; and I am truly defective. At which point, my escape has always been literature, I suppose. Or some space or art that can give release to the unique distress I feel I experience. And I do have an individual friend or two whose wavelengths resonate with mine; and they are my sounding board. When I get that recharge, Alhamdulillah, I feel I am able to face life again. But the cycle repeats itself.
I sometimes wonder if I'm just supposed to get that this is life. That maybe, at some level, we all feel like this? (But if we all do, then how can some humans be so heartless and mean! And sometimes plain dumb.) This is why life is painful, temporary, and not our final abode. This world is a low place, for sure.
C'est la vie, S.
this is awesome fanwork, to go with my sombre mood
(although I promise, writing about it already makes me feel that little bit better)
it's a mashup of all their solo songs on their WINGS album; and I realise how much heavy content their previous album had. the songs are full of pain, and growth, and hurt -- and so beautiful.
people who say BTS is just another boy band -- fight me.
RM's lyrics especially, are always to die for.
Sometimes I think, RM is to me what Sho was to YJ, hehe.
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