picture in my mind

E just reminded me that this year is the 20th anniversary of the release of the first Harry Potter book! wow.


Anyway, I felt obligated to blog because December is ending, 2017 will soon be over, and my recent tradition of a let's-reflect-on-the-past-year is due. And I needed to say that for this year -- I sort of can't. Can't give a decent look-back-on-the-year post. I'm just exhausted, spent; just really, really tired. On record, I don't think I've felt more heartbroken than I was this year. And obviously the recent book I've been reading just made me confront that personally, and stopped me from running away from reality a little bit, which is what I realise I've been doing a lot of, on retrospect. I know that it sounds so emo, and a lot of flak comes from appearing emotional, but damn it, I kind of don't care anymore.

As emotional as I am, I pride in my intellectual logic as well -- which obviously creates an eternal vicious war between my heart and mind internally -- and it has come to my attention that everyone is in truth very emotional. Everyone. Even men; who knows, especially men, perhaps. I call BS if you say you aren't. Everyone just differs on how aware they are of how it controls and drives their everyday life, and how then they manage it. I don't think I've met anyone yet whose emotional awareness and control, I truly admire. A few names pop into my head, but even they perhaps fall short.

So, yes -- this is what I'm battling in life right now. Confronting the reality that I have an emotional self, the nafs perhaps, that cannot be ignored but must be understood, mastered, and fed in the right way. And at 30 years of life, I am discovering yet again, how wrong I was, how wrong I have been about some things. I know from experience, learning that I had been wrong and figuring then how to stand up again and find the rightness of things is usually extremely rewarding, because it is growth, it is an expanding.

But right now, I am still in the pit of things; I'm still looking for a climb up. It always feels despairing when you see other people doing the supposed big things: getting married, getting a house, having children, rising up the corporate and career rungs -- and here I am writing about my emotional self on a blog that has lasted since my teenage days, still feeling confused at times, still unsure at times, still wondering what to do with the same guy -- but learning very hard how to be brave. And learning that who I am is enough.


This is enough. See you in 2018!