Japan! :((( I worry. Plus scary radiation waves spreading, or not.

Tonight, note to self: learn to stop being melodramatic. must stop drawing rigid boundaries, must stop unconscious tendencies to colour in black and white. Also, despite scary things happening, and Islam being demonized scarily in the west, and crazy Ghaddafi situation, and numerous earthquakes still to be anticipated, ALL IS WELL.

Because this is dunya only what, right. Keep calm, selawat, and breeeaaatthhhe.

And am reminded of this song, from this AWESOME bollywood movie i.e. 3 Idiots, which if you haven't watched, just please do yourself a favour and go watch.



(be sure to switch on the english subtitles!)

Arashi speaking in English! Haha. XD When I have no time to download, I troll for random clips instead.

I think this is awesome! :DDD



It feels kinda overwhelming sometimes. So much work, so little time. :s

I know I should sleep soon, and I will, because I am going to improve on my sleeping habits (also my eating habits! this course has made me eat more. not good!). Friends, and to date, at least one member of the faculty, have commented on my looking sleepy/exhausted. So must stop the unnecessary, embarrassing attention. And damn my eye bags lah; so clearly visible with the littlest shortage of sleep.

But! I just read someone's sweet post about how comfort from God comes from the most unlooked for places, and I had to come here and... say how true it is, I think. And that you would never have realised, or noticed, God's little gifts, had you not been at the lowest of the low. And then it makes me realise, how strangely, the worst times in your life can turn upside down completely and become the best times of your life, because it made you realise God's truly around and listening. What could be better than that, honestly.

---

Also, last night, while cleaning up, and doing my normal mulling around, I thought over again about the polygamy issue I was discussing with some friends the other night. The first time the idea of polygamy settled in my brain as a truly understandable concept was when I was probably 14 or 15 and we had come back from religious classes from Masjid Maidin on Sundays. I was so upset and angry, that I cried in the car, and my granny and mum were like trying to comfort me with unsatisfactory explanations, and my brother was like, "What's the matter with you, can't you chill! Relax lah!" Well, easy for him, he's a boy, isn't he!

Clearly, my feminist tendencies were showing way early, ohohoh. But seriously speaking, I felt crushed that God Who I know to be unfailingly fair and just would do that to women. Mostly, I felt irritated that nobody could give a satisfactory explanation why God would let such a thing happen! And as I grew up and learnt more, the very realistic aspects for the implementation of polygamy made itself manifest to me. And at a very... realistic, detached level, I could completely understand why polygamy was okay, or even necessary in some cases. And I accepted it. But, on a personal and deeper level, I could never reconcile the idea of it with a God Who was to me the True Protector of the dignity and worth of women. There were other times I had cried over it again because I just couldn't understand it. Because I believe that one's true nature is supposed to incline to everything in the religion, because it's true. But how could a woman be made to feel okay about sharing the person she loves? It felt to me, in the scheme of things, that women were somewhat belittled.

So I was thinking that I would ask God after I died, that very question. And in restrospect, I could say I was a bit haughty about it, and like all, "How could You, God." :( Astaghfirllah. And then a while later, when my thoughts had drifted away a little, the answer hit me with almost the force of a ton of bricks, that I started crying almost immediately.

I realise that women had been looking at this the wrong way the whole time. Men too, but it matters less from their perspective. But for a woman -- the answer came to me in one word, compassion. I realised that God had gifted at least one thing to woman more than man, and that is compassion. And that God allowed polygamy because he had placed enough compassion in women to actually let it work. It would never work the other way round! If you think about it, only women would eventually, after being insanely upset and throwing pots and pans at said despicable husband (haha), concede that okaylah, I won't kill the second wife (although exceptions exist) because what would happen to the poor children and the poor second wife? In general, women have the greater compassion to forgive and be self-sacrificial. And put the importance of others into consideration. Men, driven by large egos, are more known to break the relationship once the wife's infidelity is discovered, whereas women are more known to forgive and try to make things work. (I remember reading this in the Straits Times when all that fiasco about straying husbands was the talk of the nation, with the Jack Neo and Tiger Woods scandals.) And I'm sure there are many more examples. It all started clicking in place for me, and it made sense, finally.

Not saying that I am actually okay with any of this happening to me, God forbid! It would be a trial I would fear to bear. But that fundamentally, I finally understood and accepted that this whole polygamy thing exists, perhaps because women are so great. And that God never had it because oh, He lets the men do whatever they want, doesn't matter the poor heartbreaks women throughout history had had to endure. But that He had put such a powerful responsibility on women; that men may suck, but love them anyway. For that makes you greater in the eyes of God? I couldn't believe I thought so little of God before.

This theory gives me comfort, it does. Oyasumi, I shall let my thoughts simmer in my dreams.

Coffee = magical. At some point over the past year, I had decided not to drink coffee so much because I think it messes around with my rather fragile metabolic system, but today, I was thinking I might be persuaded against this attempt at coffee-abstinence.

Because I was having such a hard time staying awake in class and I had to be supplied with sweets and other sugar options for some energy source; It felt like I needed pliers to keep my lids apart. All this is of course a result of bad sleeping habits and having rice for lunch, which then results in intense sleepiness in the late afternoon. But then!!! I went to Coffee Bean for a friend-meet-up, ordered a nice hot cup of cafe vanilla, and was consequently and immediately so awake and alert, that I read my journal articles and was happily productive and genki. Magical, this caffeine drug.

I have been thinking, I shouldn't be so intense and philosophical and moody all the time here. Because it probably gives a very skewed view of who I am, and I bore myself too, sometimes, heeeeheh. Although it's not my fault that the times I feel like writing are the times when I tend to think in a certain way! (And tonight I'm probably like this because of THIS MAGICAL COFFEE THING OMG.) Anywayz --

Things I am excited about:

* Yamapi's Ashita no Joe airing in Singapore soon. OMGZ. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How do I convey my fangirling excitement over this. You imagine lah, hor.

Actually. Eh. That's kinda all of it. XD

Maki's appearing in a spring drama, but she isn't exactly the lead and I feel lukewarm about the plot, so hmmm. Hokkaido holiday still not happening -- also, hm.

Oh!

* Future friend meet-ups with people e.g. Shweta, Jean, more?

* Getting a MacBook Air when I've finally saved enough -- I can't wait for this because >7 years with the same bulky laptop validates a change. I want to actually be able to carry my laptop around, and sit in cafes to do work.

---

Tonight, I was discussing polygamy with a couple of friends while sitting in the car (go figure our merepekness), and my friends amuse me.

It's not fair! Why can't women marry more than one man too.


Well, I know that part of it is to preserve lineage... so polygamy works, but polyandry doesn't.


I don't understand! Why can't a woman have more than one husband!


Because you have to protect lineage lah... You can't tell whose child is whose what, right!


Huh, why! I don't understand!


You don't understand?!?!?!?


I don't understand!


What do you mean you don't understand?!?!?!?!?!


*insert hysterical laughter here*


Because! In polyandry, the fertilization mechanisms are all contained in one... vessel! How to tell! In polygamy, you have separate vessels.


Oh...


But today we have DNA testing what, right!

Sex is cheap: Why young men have have the upper hand in bed, even when they're failing in life. ---> an article discussing a phenomenon already explained by T.J. Winters, in Boys will be boys.

-____- It makes me want to cry sometimes, my heart aches; poor women, thinking they're bettering their lives by becoming freer and more liberal, but all they're doing is digging a big hole of unhappiness for themselves in this supposedly better-than-ever-before, progressive, modern society. No, really; and you wonder why so many women (a ratio of 2:1, apparently) in the developed world are depressed. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I cannot tahan. Why do this to yourselves, women, wwwwhhhhyyyy.

I was discussing with my sis once, about something as simple as wearing skimpy clothes (let's not even touch premarital sexual relations yet) -- it's like, these girls! What are they thinking, seriously. (Ahah! Maybe they aren't thinking!) After you feel so admired and ogled for all the beauty that you are, and you find the time to have a moment's reflection, I ask you, don't you feel hollow? Like all you are is this outside, and what's inside gets more and more diminished, and you start to crave that high of being admired just so you don't feel hollow anymore, until all you care about is making sure your outside is perfect? It's hard to explain; but even I had an experience of that hollowness, and I have worn (more-than-)sensible clothes all my life. But it's just that idea of being sold too cheap. And falling into that trap into thinking being a bit cheaper is worth it in some way.

I tell you, without faith, I will become easily depressed. Because what are we doing to ourselves.

I actually had a great weekend I will try to mention about some other time, but hello, topics like this, when I realise of the existence of sad situations -- make my thoughts go cold and bleak.

Rasulullah s.a.w. said, "Make your deen sincere unto Allah and small works will suffice you."

Narrated by Muadh ibn Jabal (taken from a friend's blog -- thank you!)

I realise that sometimes all I need is to recharge! We sleep to recharge our energy -- like today, I slept like crazy on the train to and from school; and when I got home, tried to force myself to do work but felt crummy. The deadlines are looming in front of me like oppressive monsters. And so I decided to get a good nap to recharge and felt so much more energized upon waking. And then I realize, we frequently need iman recharges as well. I just forgot.

Like, renewing one's intentions or niyyah is really good for the soul, I think. When I take a step back from everything, I think about why I'm doing this, and I remember that it's not about the grades, or a good reputation, or impressing the faculty, or earning good money, or even pleasing my parents. That it's about pleasing God in the path that he has led me to; and then things just get simpler, perspective-wise. And the little things don't bug me. I really think that fearlessness, save fear of God, should be second nature to Muslims; and if we have that, what in this world can stop us? :)

Writer's block! Both for this blog, as well as a paper due in less than a week. :s The thoughts are all there jumbled around in my head, but I can't get it out to sound right. And the power of words... really. The way one phrases things, just that little bit different, it can change the meaning a whole lot. So how does one not become ultra cautious in the writing or the speaking, knowing the power of words? (So as a result typing is worse than slow.)

What I keep doing: sweeping things under the rug. Cannot deal with situation? Sweep under the rug. This is too difficult and confusing? Sweep under the rug. God, I still don't know what to do. Sweep under the rug. Because hello, I have a 5000-word essay to write -- and I think my brain is insanely prone to distractions -- and focus is necessary; so the rug functions so I can function. Let's just hope that when I finally lift my rug, I don't get felled over by overdue issues.

On a separate positive note, I think I have learnt to say no. I almost got roped into becoming the project director for an event -- and in the past, I would have probably buckled -- but I have learnt that if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of things. Example: Graduate student on the way to Nobel fame kills self over failure to synthesise a chemical bond. When I hear how stressed it is to be a research student, I swear, I feel so glad to have gotten out of it. When you don't take care of your personal issues and sweep them under the rug and pretend everything's super-awesome and the world is fine, this is what happens. Ultimately, I think if you don't have God (or at least a viable and functional world view), and things start crumbling, this is what happens.

I shall work on my paper and be diligent and on-task and study and also work on those things under the rug, ahak.

I do remember making a vow, some time back, possibly 2008-ish, not to be emo here. But then I'm emo anyway; mehhh, it happens. I shall desist. Emo moments should perhaps be treated like scabs; hide them and pretend they don't exist, and they shall peel off and go away in time.

Anyway, look what my aunt gave from Japan this time!!! It made me squeal.

It says something like: Arra no something something (I can't read kanji! probably means Prophet?) Muhanmado no kanji-kanji-kanji-I-can't-read, and 40 no Hajiisu.

Hadiths in Arabic and Japanese, ahah, so awesome. I shall go pick this apart when I have time. 

Also, a perfectly gorilla name:

Okay, I will try to blog, although inside, I feel all horrid and everything I vomit out here does seem like vomit to me. Oh dear, why so morbid. It's like when you realise haiyah, why do I suck so much and get upset and confused and wonder if you can ever work hard enough to make things right. Or if you have any store of character within yourself to battle through life; like just the other day, I mentioned to a friend: I think I have no more courage left in my pit of bravery.

I am reminded of a story, that's kinda like a joke: There was this imam at a mosque who fell in prostration, chanting in awe of the majesty that is God, "I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing...". And then a muezzin walked by and saw the imam and thought, "If he's nothing, then what am I???" And out of fear and desperation, the muezzin too fell in prostration and started repeating, "I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing..." Then, the man who swept the mosque came and saw the imam and the muezzin, and thought in horror, "If they're nothing, then what am I???" And fell in prostration as well, chanting, "I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing..." After a while, the imam paused, and said to the muezzin, "Look at who thinks he's nothing!"

So, the best advice I've heard is not to worry about whether you're something or nothing, or in relation to this, whether I suck or not, but to do it all for the sake of God. I think if one is still worried about where one stands in relation to things, I think maybe one hasn't reached an absolute servitude of the Lord, which necessarily negates concern for the self?

---

Away from confusing thoughts, I finished The Disorderly Knights. I adore this:

"You knew you might be killed if you rode out of Flaw Valleys... You wouldn't have made Kate very happy. Or me." 

"You have to pay for your mistakes," Philippa said hardily. From white, in the dim light, she had turned poppy red. 

Lymond said quietly, "You had good reason to hate me. I always understood that. I don't know why you should think differently now, but take care. Don't build up another false image. I may be the the picturesque sufferer now, but when I have the whip-hold, I shall behave quite as crudely or worse. I have no pretty faults.Only, sometimes, a purpose." He paused and said, "Est conformis precedenti. I owe the Somervilles rather a lot already." 

Philippa's unwinking brown gaze flickered shiftily at the Latin and then steadied. "I should have told you before. You don't mind?" 

"If you had told me before, you might not have decided to have me for a friend. I don't mind," said Francis Crawford and told, for once, the bare truth.

---

And hey, this:

For an example of how love can be crazy complex, read this: Why You Should Date An Illiterate Girl and this: Why You Should Date A Girl Who Reads.

"you own self say one what!"

That piece of Singlish just cracked me up tonight.

I have these days when I feel evil and horrible. :( Whhhy. Also, at such times, I have urges to completely shut down this blog. I hope I don't actually end up doing that.

Just some cute things I've found:

 more from OSM

hello, cute onigiri.

Subhanallah, what do you do when you hear things like this? Dismiss it? This was from 2003. Sheikh Imran Hosein has always been relegated to the periphery of Islamic discourse because... well, he speaks of things that discomfit us, eh? We get even more uncomfortable when he starts to make sense, when we observe and reflect what's been happening today. Watch out for circa 03:55 min.



Alf shukr to the source.

It is Chinese New Year! (Gong xi Gong xi to my beloved friends!) Year of the Rabbit come again which means - gasp - 12 years since I sat for my PSLE. Ahak, what a comparison.

Anyway, aside from the enjoymentz abound all over Singapore (excuse the 'z' language I have recently taken to indulging); the world, I feel, is in chaos. What is happening in Cairo, yar! :( (Craziness which will probably ultimately spell a different story for Maulud celebrations this year.) And then all the fiery demonstrations spreading all over the Arab world. SCARY. Talks of revolution. And the establishment of fundamentalist Islamic states. Whatever that means. What is happening.

:s

 On a positive note though, tonight marks the beginning of Rabiul 'Anwar. <3 Let's cling to some real hope, I say.

---

Someone just linked this crazy thing on fb:



Besides being a little bit entertaining, this sparks more than a couple of theories eh, all of them incredible.

---

Also, this is what we've been doing in class (partly) -- learning about the brain, cartoon-style!



---

You see, I feel like so many things are going on that seem to bug me, and I feel like I need to partition my brain, and apportion sufficient energy to each.


I. must. stop. being. over-ambitious. Or I must start prioritising, and cultivate self-discipline.

* I want to learn Arabic properly but this is somehow not turning out very favourably. No time, clash of lessons with APEX which I have once again decided to join, Arabic grammar is so difficult, and one million other excuses/obstacles. (Also, Japanese!)

* I still haven't read very important things I have been meaning to finish almost years ago. :( Disappointed.

* Polish my fiqh knowledge. (I personally think this should be number one on the list, but I am being lazy.) Also, where do I find good fiqh books for women specifically??? I must do a proper search.

* I have started reading textbooks (and actually really like this language + brain + psychology stuff, yay) but omgosh, so many books, so little time.

* AND YET, I am rereading Lymond. Seriously, I am torn about this -- I feel like I shouldn't be reading for leisure because HELLO, so much to do! But not reading for leisure is like... not being me. :( How can you ask me to not be me.

I picked out The Disorderly Knights on impulse and started reading and am now three-fifths through and somebody please clarify what on earth is going on in this book:  (SPOILER warning.)

- Did Lymond really love Oonagh??? Is this love significantly different from that which he ultimately felt with Philippa? Or was it some sort of strange obligation or responsibility he felt for Oonagh that made him go to such lengths to help her escape from Tripoli? (Francis Crawford, why are you so weird.)
- How old is Oonagh!!! Ahahah. What does it mean to be an "ageless beauty" -- no fair.
- I've been trying to see if I could pick up anything about Gabriel that would give away all the evil hiding behind his fake piety -- but I cannot. Which brings me to wonder: how does Lymond seem to know or guess Gabriel's and Joleta's true natures??? Can he read minds? Or was it the fact that he was the subject of the siblings' manipulation that he was able to perceive their deception, unlike the rest of world who worship the two?
- Why is Jerott so hot-headed; but I still love him.
- I think Nicolas de Nicolay is adorable and hilarious!
- Did Lymond actually sleep with Joleta? :( I am disappointed in him; apparently knowing she's a bitch (according to him, that is), it warrants his raping of her. what.
- Does Kate love Lymond too? Much to Philippa's disappointment/chagrin/horror?
- I thought I understood a lot more of the politics and religion that surround the Order of St John this time round! so yay. Grand Master De Homedes is disgusting.

* These days, I have been having nice long conversations over lunch about love and marriage and men and responsibilities as women. And despite being cynical, since one cannot help feeling bleak about the number of unmarried educated women or about the fact that SDU claims Singaporean men have lost the art of wooing for instance, I still want love and a family, God-willing. The problem is, I don't know how to make it happen. And while it is comforting to find other girls in the same boat, all saying, "How ah!" :( it still doesn't solve the problem. We laugh, and we try to be patient.

When God knows you're ready for the responsibility of commitment, He'll reveal the right person under the right circumstances. Wait patiently. Don't waste your time searching and wishing. Grow and be ready, you'll see God will give you a love story far better than you could ever dream of.

Tonight, I feel like I have a black heart also. :(

During class discussion today, in which we cracked our heads over deciding to what extent help should be rendered to a client, our mentor said, "Reality is reality, but go for the ideal and you'll settle at a happy medium." :) It's wonderful how such things can pop up as though just meant for you.

MDA decided not to let us have our Supernatural Season 5 DVD and will give a refund. And they took like, 3 months to decide this. -___________- What I don't get is the fact that Season 5 is actually airing on cable, on AXN. So, where's the logic, man. Then again, I think they've cut substantial bits off the episodes that they do air i.e. censorship. The reason for all of this, apparently, is religious themes.

Yes, I do recall bits of the early episodes of S5 (from watching online versions) in which it is actually mentioned of the death of god and angels rebelling and Lucifer doing the whole sympathy-with-the-devil thingamajig. But. :( Who in their right minds would use any of this fictional stuff as a basis for real theology??? We know it's fiction, riiiight. Dang, I just want to watch my favourite American show, can or not. The next foreseeable plan is to visit nice corners of City Square in Johor, eheheheh. And failing that, actually visit the US?

Had a relatively busy weekend, filled with reasonably fun times but has now strangely settled as an upset and gloomy feeling somewhere near the bottom of my heart. Part of it is my consternation at being called an idealist, which I know I am, I can't help being so; but that somehow people look at it as being a deluded thing -- it makes me feel meh, for lack of better expression at this hour of the night. Sad, and disappointed, and alone, and worst of all, stupid. I feel like having high ideals is like having a physically marring disease, and people kind of have this general sense of pity for you, but you know, they understand, you poor thing. Have cosmetic surgery, be done with it, and live in the real world.

I don't know. I am kind of comforted a little by the memory of my philosophy professor from Virtue and Leadership module, who defended Confucius because she said, we always need ideals as something to work towards, in order that humanity retains its dignity and keeps striving towards something greater. But I think Confucius felt terrible the whole time. Complaining about never meeting a sage (personally, I keep wishing he'd been alive when Rasulullah s.a.w. came along).

I shall strive to be zen.

I've been having a second round of Shaykh Hamza's Refinement of the Heart, and he quoted Robert Frost:

The Fear of God

If you should rise from Nowhere up to Somewhere, 
From being No one up to being Someone, 
Be sure to keep repeating to yourself 
You owe it to an arbitrary god 
Whose mercy to you rather than to others 
Won’t bear to critical examination. 
Stay unassuming. If for lack of license 
To wear the uniform of who you are, 
You should be tempted to make up for it 
In a subordinating look or toe, 
Beware of coming too much to the surface 
And using for apparel what was meant 
To be the curtain of the inmost soul.


It's a lovely reminder. Often, when we've been privileged with something -- like brains or good looks or having succeeded in a profession or attained a certain coveted status, we tend to self-congratulate, as though such an achievement is a validation of the wonders of our own abilities and inherent genius. We forget that whatever gifts we possess could have easily been bestowed on someone else, and in truth, you had virtually no hand in the fortunate circumstances of your life. This reminds one to be constantly humble and grateful; one's fortunes, and in fact one's entire life, is a gift and loan from a seemingly arbitrary God. The lowest level of gratitude one can demonstrate is not to be haughty about it, I guess. 

This also made me recall something from Cassandra Claire's Draco Sinister, heheh. :)

...but think how much worse it would be if life was fair, and all the awful things that happened to us happened because we actually deserve them. I, for one, take great comfort in the completely impersonal hostility of the universe.

Really, it would be horrible if we deserve every little thing that happens to us in this world. It means little African kids deserve to die of AIDS, for instance. I think complete justice comes later, eh; not in this world.

And I shall add a little extra here of Draco's angsty, amusing rant:

"Why should you get a choice?" he almost shouted. "I don't! I don't get a choice about my family or my life or my destiny, if I've even really got one. And I don't get a choice about loving you, even though I personally think you were put here on this earth to give me pain. I mean, I know I'm not a nice person, but what the fuck did I do in my past life to deserve this? I must have run down a cartload of nuns while driving a stolen carriage on my way to sell drugs to school children."

At this rate, this blog may be set for a steady decline into non-functionality.

No, I'm not that busy with schoolwork yet, but somehow, I'm preoccupied enough that those blogging moments during which I become pensive and thoughtful are getting harder to find. Don't know -- it's not like my undergraduate years were totally light on me in comparison (quite the contrary); I think maybe I'm just getting older and less loquacious here.

* Met up with Duckie last weekend despite only recovering from sore throat and the flu and went to karaoke Arashi -- I croaked, Duck actually sang. Also, I got a bag full of unwanted goodies (i.e. junk food dumped on me!) plus Jdrama and Arashi vids so graciously written on cd for me.

* I started watching Nino's drama, Freeter, Ie wo Kau! -- which is awesome, seriously. It's about the struggles of a university graduate in the working world, and therefore very relatable. I keep thinking how the only dramas that leave a lasting positive impression on me anymore are Japanese dramas -- because they feel more real and less of a fantastical, fictional nature, and seem to address pertinent moral issues. At the end of 10 episodes, I normally feel all motivated and moved and eager to embrace life.

* Recently had a mini gathering of girls to say farewell to Farhana who's gone to study in Syria -- I feel like the people I know are going all over the place to chase their dreams; that or they're getting married :s. Anyway, we all had a nice chat about why Syria and what to do in the future with regards to children's education, haha. This reminds me of another mini halaqah we had long ago after APEX: we were talking about how wonderful mothers are and raising children, and Shidah, I think, was like Why are we talking like we're all pregnant or stg! XD

Also, Shaykh Hamza quotes kept cropping up in the discussion thanks to the fangirls present.

Shaykh Hamza did say that celebrating maulud is bid'ah, you know.
Yes, because we should actually be celebrating it every day, right. :)
I also think Mother's Day is bid'ah!
Haha! Because we should be thankful for our mothers every day too, huh. 

* Recently reread this article about Friendship in the Facebook Age.

I saw that a few dozen people “Liked” the announcement and I clicked the thumbs-up icon, but immediately I felt a little ill, like I’d just cheapened the memory of our friendship somehow. I thought about adding a small note—”Congratulations” or “So excited to hear the news!!”—but that seemed off, too.

I totally experienced this recently. Facebook really creates unprecedented social situations most of us have no idea how to deal with. Recently, I saw on fb that someone who I'd worked with and befriended in the summer of 2008, got married; and I wanted to congratulate her but just doing it on fb -- it feels wrong in some way, you know? So I didn't. But then, I was so glad when I received an invitation to the walimah (i.e. wedding dinner) from a friend of that friend -- and I'm thinking how I can congratulate her in person, and shake her hand or stg, and make her see how truly happy I am for her. It's a relief to be able to do that.

I think this is related to the reasons I don't put up my birthday on facebook. There are just so many implications and complications to facebook interactions and it's not like I don't appreciate it when someone wishes me a happy birthday; the problem lies in the fact that I cannot possibly understand why you did. I don't know whether to think you want to be my friend, or rather more of a friend; or whether you're acknowledging my existence or whether there is an ulterior motive or on which rung of friendship you belong. It's complicating the social situation. I would rather simply be wished by people who I know are truly my friends, facebook or not. Similarly, when I wish someone, I want to really mean it. Ideally, people should only do what they mean, ne.

I think a lot of the times, people don't think about why they do things, and it bothers me. And it especially bothers me when I don't understand why I'm doing something. Which is why, I suppose, more often than not, I am a passive person and mull over things in order to understand. But maybe, you know, I have to accept that not everything can be understood, hm.

first post of the year! hello, 2011.

Classes have already started, and it's scary and exciting and nerve-wrecking and also fun, all in one. I'm loving the people in general, and the teachers too. But then caught the flu bug and was too sick to go anywhere today; missed important lectures, and missed meeting Sowmya. :( I am terrified of screwing this up. No, no, shall not let that happen.

As promised, Why are we happy? -- An interesting perspective on why we can be happy no matter what.