So exhausted these last few days. Today, I honestly felt like a little hamster on a treadmill -- I almost literally scurry between rooms and scurry around between patients. And at the end of it all, I have a headache trying to squeeze in all the paperwork!

Some day it will be okay? Please, God.

---

“I think we have created this stigma of confusion around relationships which makes those who prefer to be direct and honest feel like we’re over thinking, when in fact, we’re just uncomfortable in a place that requires that we act slyly. All this stuff about playing games and whatnot is ridiculous. Be honest with yourself, be honest with others, and go after what you want. No matter what you do or say, what is written for you will be yours and what isn’t won’t be. So go, take a leap of faith, put yourself out there, and don’t be afraid to hear no, because your provision has already been written.” 

-- Nadir Keval

Alhamdulillah, this puts such a perspective of being Muslim in a non-Muslim situation. (:

I'm liking more and more of Shaykh Omar's lectures; this one especially reminds me to do things I need to even when it gets hard! And not dart away around corners to pray, and feel guilty when I'm only trying to be what I should.

Also, about a month to Ramadhan -- this time I'll make sure I get out of it at least a little better than before!

cinta jangan pergi

Been cooped up at home the past two days, with a terrible sore throat and a croaky voice. I have come to realise how much my job depends on my speech -- being a speech therapist and all, haha. I hope my throat doesn't worsen after my return to work tomorrow... :( seeing as how I spend the better part of almost every hour talking non-stop.

I've taken this nice retreat at home to go over my Arabic grammar books! I do love quiet hours and sitting with books and not having to rush.

On the drama front -- I have actually started a Malay drama! Wahhh, you should say. The first time in a long time; actually the first time since this same pairing in Nur Kasih. And now they're together again in Cinta Jangan Pergi -- the plot kinda reminds me of Winter Sonata, except there isn't really a memory loss plot device (which is k-drama's forte). With Malay dramas, I'm always kinda on edge, waiting to be disappointed, but this hasn't been too bad so far.

And the songs are nice nice nice!

For something to last, it has to evolve... ne.

I've been reflecting on this. And that if something stays stagnant, it starts to rub on the new ever-changing environment and then... :(

---

A reminder for me:

God, help me move on from being a dabbler and hacker.

Monday blues

It's always easier said than done? Some days all I want to do is curl up under the covers and sleep the hours away...

Nodame Cantabile!

I've started re-watching the live action manga-adaptation; FYI, the drama is about young Music majors trying to take on the difficult world of music.

Laugh-out-loud hilarious, heartwarming, inspiring, with a cute, nutty, and unlikely OTP -- this totally ranks as one of the best and most re-watchable dramas in my list. (Speaking of which, I really should physically make a list or something, shouldn't I?)

Nodame Cantabile is also likely the one that taught me how to appreciate manga-style J-drama, with all the crack and out-of-this-world plot twists. Despite the plot meanderings, the theme and objective of the story is solid, and moves you in all kinds of ways. God, I adore Nodame. And Chiaki. And practically everyone in the entire drama cast. The whole thing was so well done, so well-casted and so well-acted. I do remember giving this drama 5 hearts in my very first review of it, and I do it again now wholeheartedly, even just after the first episode re-watch.

(a separate review you might want to read: here.)

Nodame and Chiaki are amusing and inspiring at the same time; 

she is his muse, and he disciplines and hones her raw talent;

he puts order into her life, she spices it up for him; --

and they make awesome music!

---

Still re-watching and getting my happy fix! :) hehe.

Oh, Nodame, how you make me laugh, you crazy, adorable thing. No wonder Chiaki loves you.

And this shall be here because the last part's like a summary of all that is wonderful about this drama.

(beware SPOILERS!)

n11D by aeeework19

I am happy it's a short week!

And this is amusing stuff -- this is why I love using LINE. It's cute, and fun, and when I'm back in whatsapp I feel handicapped by the lack of stickers.

There I was visiting Lin's house and was super hungry, but no food!

---

Memorable things over the weekend:

1) I got this surprise from my lovely friend! 

Nothing makes you feel so loved as someone who takes note of the little things.

2) Went for Sarah's wedding, and OMG, she invited our APEX class from the first batch in 2008, and OMG, they are 17 years old now and so big! I met them at the reception, did a lot of exclaiming, and then felt so old. 

3) June holiday trip is materialising! Happiness.

"In fact, my soul and yours are the same. You appear in me, I appear in you. We hide in each other."

— Rumi

The best thing a parent can do for the child is to be a good role model.


It applies to every aspect of life. In my therapy sessions too, I'm like a broken record when it comes to explaining how parents should model for the child appropriate language forms. More than linguistic abilities though, parents should be the kind of persons they want their children to be. This should be a duh concept, right -- but it's surprising how little we actually truly contemplate this and how much less it is actually implemented.

It's been a point of discussion with some friends of mine what an ideal mother is -- and while I do admire mothers who focus on their children, take time off work or quit entirely, or devote their lives to educating and homeschooling their children (and for a time period, I really thought this was the absolute best thing for kids, and maybe it really is) -- I realise that it may not be the only best answer. I've been thinking that strong, independent, doing-big-stuff-out-there women as mothers are truly equally awesome, if not more so -- because they're a model of strength, drive, ambition, service, and their values are then best passed on to their kids. I've seen and heard of some women doing things like this -- how they accomplish this feat is a different story entirely; superwoman, anyone? -- I think it's great. You want your sons and daughters to do great things for the world when they grow up? Then you do it first and show them how it's done. I think success and service run in the family.

So many thoughts and emotions (life is a rollercoaster, yes?) but I want to tell this adorable story instead (taken from one of Shaykh Hamza's many lectures):

There was this desert man who, after catching a lizard for dinner -- yes, apparently desert people had lizards for dinner -- approached Rasulullah s.a.w. to ask, "Are you the man who claims to be the Messenger of God?"

Rasulullah s.a.w. replied: "Yes. Will you believe?"

The desert man was all-skeptical, and like, "I'll believe if this lizard believes!"

Rasulullah s.a.w. proceeded to ask, "What say you, lizard?"

And the lizard said, "I witness there is no God but Allah, and Muhammad is His Messenger."

: OOOODDDD 

I totally squealed! Ah, so cute.

Ya Rasulullah. How my heart aches.

Last night, I fell asleep thinking and wondering how on Earth people live without God. 

I was reading this: Female 'Purity' Is Bullshit and this: Why Good Girls Have Become As Extinct As Unicorns. 

I felt so scared and sad thinking of all the terrible things and ideas and the bleakness out there -- and my God, thank You for my solace in You. If I didn't have God, I can almost guarantee I'd be on anti-depressants. How do other people do without God, I honestly am curious.

An amusing post from dangermousie:

Ep 2 of Gu Family Book, as well as 3/4 of kdrama OTPs summed up in 4 caps. Seriously, angst overload, and it’s only the parents!







I was thinking as I watched the early episodes of Gu Family Book that the parents of heroes always have the saddest deals in stories -- seriously. The parents are generally awesome persons, but they will undoubtedly die terrible, unjustified deaths, so that their children will have difficult lives and grow up to become heroes.

And oh, the angst!

I am having such a dearth of good shows, and Gu Family Book is an attempt to entertain my nights -- not too bad so far, but I'm still waiting to be hooked in properly.

Donnie Darko

Well, no wonder this movie has a cult following! What a fascinating piece of work, yo.

And I do like this song too.

So much symbolism and so many levels of interpretation in this movie, not all or even many of which I actually think I agree with -- but man, I can totally appreciate how well-crafted it is! Superb how the pieces fit together only now on hindsight; this story will leave you going, What the heck just happened!!! when the credits roll. But even at that point of confusion, I already thought it was a great movie.

Then I went to dig up an explanation, and this was quite enlightening and added to my appreciation:


SPOILER!

I love it when I have an addition to either my list of must-reads or must-sees. 

the thing about cliches is that they really are true

We talked about happiness and depression tonight (amidst my wonderful birthday dinner with some lovely friends), and I realise I've been doing something; I've been holding out on what I believe is the key to happiness and contentment -- like I'm afraid some of my friends won't believe me. Which on reflection, is such a shameful act on my part, it cracks my heart.

It's God, my friends. For me, it's There is no God but Allah, and Sayidina Muhammad is His Beloved Messenger. It's as simple as that. And I'm afraid that when I say it, some of you will think, oh that answer, I've heard it before. But it's true, and I wish you could see it, so you'll be deep-down-happy too. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm rainbows and ponies most days; I still have my terrible moments -- tears come quite easy to me. But there's an anchor now lodged in my heart, that's like a spring of happiness and a compass for guidance, and as long as I water it with remembrance of God, there's light in my life, come what may.

Today I crossed over to the other side of 25.


What's been running through my brain today: aren't you afraid of being mediocre! (a line I keep recalling, thanks to Lin, who I met up with yesterday after ~one million years)

Onwards and forwards to a better self! God, keep me calm, and patient, and brave.

randomness, but some day -- I hope I'll enjoy something like this.

how I feel at the end of a work week sometimes.

7 kids tomorrow -- breathe.

I want more language cases instead of the preverbal kids I see most of the time. Then I can work on more interesting and complex stuff like high-order text comprehension or phonological awareness skills. The moments I enjoy in my work = after I see a complex language case and miraculously I have time to pore through the assessment results and figure out what to do with the kid.

---

The confession that implicates its audience is - as we say in cricket - a devilishly difficult ball to play. Reject it and you slight the confessor; accept it and you admit your own guilt.

-- The Reluctant Fundamentalist, by Mohsin Hamid

Not sure where it's coming from, but I'm feeling general unspecified anger right now; angst -- it should totally be a thing of the past for me, right. what the heck.

>:\

I think it's likely I'm directing my feelings towards myself.



God, at the moments I forget to ask forgiveness of you, forgive me.

---

this was a great watch! Simple plot (seven sons going to save Daddy from evil, revenge-seeking nutcase), simple theme (i.e. filial piety -- nothing like the asian version), and entertaining action (each son had a cool weapon of choice -- loved the bow and arrow!)

Therapy can be filled with hilarious moments, as well as horrifying ones. And sometimes, those two can overlap -- once, I felt like gasping in shock and laughing at the same time.

I was testing a child on blending of phonemes i.e. asking him to join sounds such as "fff", "aaa" and "mmm" and to tell me what word they formed together. He clearly had trouble with this, and hence his atrocious reading skills -- so I kept modeling it, and he unsurprisingly got bored and distracted. So I asked his Mum sitting next to him to help me model for him as well, and asked her to blend 3 phonemes. Except Mummy looked at me blankly when I asked her to do it -- and I'm like ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

OMG, Mummy! You also got reading issues ah! And what do I do at that point, but kinda like go, Hahaha, it's all right, Mummy, this is quite tough. We'll practice more of this with him next time okay...

@.@

Alamak, how you expect the kid to know this when the parent doesn't.

Then again, I'm forgetting -- non-phonetic languages like Chinese might not be based on phonological awareness skills, which means it's okay for purely Chinese-speaking adults to be poor in this? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Interesting.

And this entry is becoming some sort of professional-reflection-journal or something. Not my intention.

Goodnight!

---

Rich Man, Poor Woman SP!

Hilarious scene, seriously.

I'm almost done with Quiet by Susan Cain -- and it has been a good read; very relatable and lots of practical advice on how to live happily and successfully as an introvert in today's world. For example, it has a chapter titled, When Should You Act More Extroverted? Introverts can somehow find energy to do extroverted stuff like giving public talks, sharing with big groups of people or networking when it's to do with one's passions or what are called core personal projects. But after doing so, introverts should allow themselves to retreat to their personal spaces to recuperate and return to their natural selves. Apparently, it's not an uncommon thing for big and famous introverts to step off from the podium and then go to a toilet cubicle to get some alone time -- and that this is okay. Personally, I have never resorted to this. :O Then again, I've never given public speeches.

It is important that introverts sacrifice their comfort zones for true passions i.e. core personal projects. Otherwise, if one insists on being pseudo-extroverts for whatever random gain, one risks burnout and in worse cases, depression.

... there are three key steps to identifying your core personal projects.

First, think back to what you loved to do when you were a child. How did you answer the question of what you wanted to be when you grew up? The specific answer you gave may have been off the mark, but the underlying impulse was not. If you wanted to be a fireman, what did a fireman mean to you? A good man who rescued people from distress? A daredevil? Or the simple pleasure of operating a truck? If you wanted to be dancer, was it because you got to wear a costume, or because you craved applause, or was it the pure joy of twirling around at lightning speed? You may have known more about who you were then than you do now.

Second, pay attention to the work you gravitate to. At my law firm I never once volunteered to take on extra corporate legal assignment, but I did spend a lot of time doing pro bono work for a nonprofit women's leadership organization. I also sat on several law firm committees dedicated to mentoring, training, and personal development for young lawyers in the firm. Now, as you can probably tell from this book, I am not the committee type. But the goals of those committees lit me up, so that's what I did.

Finally, pay attention to what you envy. Jealousy is an ugly emotion, but it tells the truth. You mostly envy those who have what you desire. I met my own envy after some of my former law school classmates got together and compared notes on alumni career tracks. They spoke with admiration and, yes, jealousy, of a classmate who argued regularly before the Supreme Court. At first I felt critical. More power to that classmate! I thought, congratulating myself on my magnanimity. Then I realised my largesse came cheap, because I didn't aspire to argue a case before the Supreme Court, or to any of the other accolades of lawyering. When I asked myself whom I did envy, the answer came back instantly. My college classmates who'd grown up to be writers or psychologists. Today, I'm pursuing my own version of both those roles.

- Quiet, When Should You Act More  Extroverted?

Currently reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain -- 

my sentiments: dear book, why couldn't you have come sooner in my life! it could have saved me a lot of pain while growing up.

It basically vindicates quiet people or introverts and shows how awesome and necessary quiet, solitude, and people who love those two are.

It quotes Kafka, who had to explain to his fiancee why he needed time alone to do his genius:

You once said that you would like to sit beside me while I write. Listen, in that case I could not write at all. For writing means revealing oneself to excess; that utmost of self-revelation and surrender, in which a human being, when involved with others, would feel he was losing himself, and from which, therefore, he will always shrink as long as he is in his right mind... That is why one can never be alone enough when one writes, why there can never be enough silence around one when one writes, why even night is not night enough.

At this late hour -- the brain is actually asleep, and whatever is left takes over.

---

How will we paint tomorrow?

even in the brand new future

sadness spills over

staining the heart