I've been thinking, and thinking so hard about whether I should blog, but then I realise I can't bring myself to. Not right now; maybe I will, on some other night. When I feel less like a bruised melon.

So instead I leave myself with this:

"You’re not bitter," he said. "He left you, too, and you’re not bitter. How do you manage that? Is it some Gryffindor thing I’ll never understand? I thought maybe," and he looked back down at his shoes, "maybe you didn’t care about him anymore."

"I do care," she said.

"But what if he isn’t worth it?"

She sighed. When she leaned back against the window, the glass was cold against her skin. “He is worth it. But even if he wasn’t, that wouldn’t mean I was wrong or foolish to love him, or that my loving him had been a mistake. We don’t love people because they deserve it. In the end what’s important is what that love says about you, that you’re capable of loving someone like that; most people aren’t capable of a tenth of that kind of real love, a hundredth of it. Most people would be terrified of it, if they could even imagine it. But you aren’t — you weren’t. You broke that bottle of antidote without thinking about it — ”

"Not entirely," said Draco, "without thinking about it."

This verse:

“Do you suppose that you will enter Paradise untouched by the suffering endured by the people of faith who passed away before you? They were afflicted by misery and hardship and were so convulsed that the Messenger and the believers with him cried out: ‘When will Allah’s help arrive?’ They were assured: ‘Behold, Allah’s help is close by.’” 2:214

It makes me scared... I mean, does it imply that if my life has not been afflicted to such an extent, it will be at some point? Otherwise, if I haven't been hit with such misery, have I been overlooked by God -- which is surely worse than being afflicted?

Or maybe, I have been hit with misery before, just that I don't know it -- haha, what the ridiculousness.

Or... I'm thinking -- the you addressed in this, as always, is Rasulullah s.a.w. (and his sahabahs); who as pioneers of the Deen were tested to the ends of their endurance in order to establish the ummah.

Oh noes -- what I should really do is ask someone who might actually know the answer.

Okay, goodnight.

Nows-adays, I like to remember the line: 

Keep on walking ahead though the answer can't be seen.

Have recently been connecting situations to peribahasa Melayu:

Bawa resmi padi, makin berisi, makin tunduk.

and

Hendak seribu daya, tak hendak seribu dalih.

endless game

Usually, I prefer the genki ni natte type of songs from Arashi. 

But I've recently started on Sho's J-drama Kazoku Game, and it's been intriguing;

 and this weird and confusing song has gotten to me (6 months late! have been so out of the JE loop).

The world dims

My memory rewinds

What is there?

Let's open that door

Reset to reality

Go on ahead to the end

Though the answer can't be seen

I feel like the song really is about Sho's character -- Yoshimoto Kouya, whose true identity is part of the mystery arc of the whole drama. Clearly, the guy has issues: working as a tutor to save a boy from bullying in the day, but every night retreats into a guilt-ridden hell about his mysterious past. 

SPOILER

(from the finale of Supernatural Season 8)

These Winchester brothers -- made me cry over their love.

And made me remember why I love this story.

#$%@$^$#%@^$ propaganda crap!

What the frak is this?!?!

To say that I am annoyed with this piece of propaganda crap is an understatement.

I found this from mr.brown's post here, that he took from The Straits Times.

So typical of the kiasu government to think that the moment we endeavour to take a little breather and step off the accelerator, our lives will careen completely into poverty. 

Takde iman! 

is what my Mum would say.

Stop treating Singaporeans like bloody fools, can or not.

Also, this was exactly what I was arguing about with my friends the other day, and for it to be officially thrown in my face like this by our local paper -- wah, really sets me on fire. Not to mention that my dad is sick after working the entire weekend and Monday (because of the Singtel cable catching fire episode) -- and now seeing this. Eeesh. We are not hamsters on a wheel.

One who wraps himself

             By Rumi 

God called the Prophet Muhammad Muzzammil,
“The One Who Wraps Himself,”
and said,
“Come out from under your cloak, you so fond
of hiding and running away.

Don’t cover your face.
The world is a reeling, drunken body, and you
are its intelligent head.
Don’t hide the candle
of your clarity. Stand up and burn
through the night, my prince.

Without your light
a great lion is held captive by a rabbit!

Be the captain of the ship,
Mustafa, my chosen one,
my expert guide.
Look how the caravan of civilization
Has been ambushed.
Fools are everywhere in charge.
Do not practice solitude like Jesus. Be in
the assembly,
and take charge of it.
As the bearded griffin,
the Humay, lives on Mt. Qaf because he’s native to it,
so you should live most naturally out in public
and be a communal teacher of souls.”

nina!

This girl is so good with her languages! Now that I've worked substantially with parents and their kids, I feel it's partly cause Papa is excellent with her that she's become so good, really. Yes, occasionally, he makes her copy words or phrases, but Papa usually employs typical stimulation strategies we use in clinic, such as: 

(i) following her lead (this kid basically has her Papa around her pinky, but she's such a wonderful little girl, it doesn't matter!)

(ii) never negating what she says or forcing her to say certain words, only rephrasing or repeating to give her the correct model of language 

(iii) adding on to her ideas by expanding on her utterances

(iv) thinking of ways to make her say more by cueing her e.g. pretending he doesn't know the answer or saying the wrong answer

Even in this other video below, he does similar things. Okay, he asks her a lot of questions here, but since she's able to answer them and he also keeps commenting, it's fine. Not 3 years and Nina already has all her wh- questions down and has adjectives and descriptives in her vocabulary.

If I ever have kids, I want them like Nina.

Little girls are awesome and wonderfully chatty. And you're guaranteed so much love (if you raise them right). How have people in history not wanted them before? Insyirah gave voice texts via whatsapp addressing her Nanis and her Amatis and telling us to come see her in Qatar -- so cute, I want to dieeeee. And it makes me anticipate the December holiday even more.

This may seem confusing, but I love it. One of the most necessary things to understand about our religion, I feel.

Islam is a practical religion. It deals with human beings as they are, not as they should be. I mean, there's always the should-be there, but it deals with them as they are, and then makes that as they are, as it should be, given they are like that. That's what Islam does. It takes human beings as they are, not as they should be -- but it makes the as-they-are as-it-should-be, given that they're like that. 

- Shaykh Hamza, The Rights and Responsibilities of Marriage

Gaksital -- I should totally go and get this for keeps already, like I've been meaning to.

I've said before right, how this drama is so, so good.

(Eunice, this means I might force this on you, haha)

Reasons (in brief) why Gaksital is awesome:

(i) a complete bastard turns into a hero, and the process is waaay intriguing (my favourite kind of story!)

(ii) best friends on opposite sides of a war -- can you hear the heartbreak already?

(iii) hero is very very very flawed, and therefore made very real

(iv) hero is also a genius, or completely nuts, depending on how you look at it

(v) hero has a precarious disguise that makes you want to die of suspense almost every episode

(vi) there is a long historical back story involved

(vii) villains are nuanced! and 3-dimensional! that's not a common thing in k-drama

(viii) there is a strong heroine -- whoo! and she hates our hero almost to the very end!

(ix) intense, extreme, ?hate-love romance -- I don't even know if this is the appropriate term to label it with, because frak, it's so complicated?!

(x) this is essentially historical fiction
(xi) cinematography is gorgeous, and acting is top-notch

yay.

I'm finally working through Season 8 of Supernatural (Season 9 airing sometime soon! hooray for cult followings). Honestly, since the end of Season 5 or so, I've lost track of the number of times Sam and Dean and even Castiel have died and gone to heaven or hell or purgatory, and back to the mortal plane, haha. The overall plot appears to have taken a stroll down crack lane, more or less. But I still enjoy each episode; it sticks to the winning, episodic-mystery-based formula, where we have Sam and Dean, regardless of bigger plot arcs, hunting evil in its various forms.

And really, I just love the Winchester boys, and that's why I keep watching.

A nutso clip that had me laughing away -- Dean as William Wallace

When you're present with God, you're present with creation.

-- Shaykh Hamza




:(

The sad feeling that comes after you know you didn't end up doing what you intended to do, what you were supposed to.

no, I'm not jaded

I was on the bus leaving yet another wedding this weekend, and this younger girl who I'd been briefly introduced to at the wedding, came on the bus as well and after saying hi, she asked, "So, are you getting married too?"

I smiled and said, "No."

And she asked, "Why! Are you jaded?"

Ohmygod, she cracked me up. I decided right that moment that I liked her very much. It was the way she said it. She didn't say it in the how-come-you're-not-marriage-is-a-wonderful-thing way, but the I'm-twenty-and-I'm-so-jaded-about-life-could-you-be-jaded-too manner. She'd somehow pounced on the discovery that a woman my age wasn't getting married. (Yet, I silently added.) I think, in some ways she reminded me of a younger version of myself.

I explained that it's not that I don't want to get married, but that not every girl has their Prince Charming land on one knee in front of them. Besides, it'd probably be kinda boring if everyone had that story? Maybe I'm supposed to be Princess Charming instead? I don't know.

She said, "Yeah! Also, you could travel. And see the world."

I was so amused. "Yes, I could."

We talked some about my work, about life, and she was genuinely interested in speech therapy (and asked if she could do that if she wanted). And I felt like I was imparting some great wisdoms, the way she seemed to devour what I said.

When she got off, I kept smiling to myself. I thought, this is a good place too, where I am. Maybe -- as long as you face head on life's challenges, and think, what does God want me to learn to be here, and strive hard, you'll end up in a good place -- and that's all that matters. (I'd had this thought too just the day before at work, when one of my senior colleagues made me pause as she gave me strategies on how to be super efficient with writing patient notes.) That every life event, every moment, is created to create a better you. And as long as you strive to fulfill your part, your end of the bargain, you'll hopefully one day end up in a happy place, and the person you were meant to be.

A CW series about Mary Queen of Scots and her (supposedly-historically very very short-lived) relationship with the French Dauphin. :O As American TV makes it, it's of course crazily historically inaccurate -- because wasn't the Dauphin a very frail, and weak, 13-year-old boy when he married Mary? He later died because he was sick! This blonde, strapping 20-stg-year-old as the French Dauphin -.- whut.

Historical fiction should have fictional characters! That way, you can spin them however you want, amidst a real historical setting, and not butcher real historical figures.

there are few feelings in the world worse than completely inopportune realization

great minds discuss ideas

---

Tonight, we reviewed a little of what entails backbiting:

1) If you talk good about someone -- this is praise and not backbiting (duh, haha)

2) Speaking the truth about someone but if he or she were present, they would not feel happy = backbiting. Even if it were regarding technically neutral matters, it could be backbiting depending on the perception or feelings of the person in question; so for example, I am so crazy short right and you go and tell someone else: You know, S is less-than-5-feet-short! and if I'd heard it and it caused a little unhappy twinge in my heart -- that's backbiting. 

But no worries: I really haven't much cared what people say about my height since I think when I was 18 -- most of the time, heheh.

3) Speaking malicious falsehoods about people = backbiting + FITNAH (i.e. slander). This one if you do... be very afraid of what punishment you may be accruing in the hereafter. Escape now! Seek forgiveness now! Say prayers upon the Prophet s.a.w. for guidance and mercy!

We always happily try to convince ourselves we don't do this, but in the heat of emotion and in the company of like-minded people, sometimes we forget. :( Apparently, some places (i.e. Zaytuna Institute, I hear) prefer being cautious and have a policy of not talking about people at all -- talk about ideas instead. Besides, we know small minds discuss people, great minds discuss ideas.

So many thoughts running through my head in a day, but only one seems to crystallize itself properly right now:

One of my kids looks like the k-drama actor Joo Won! Haha. I almost wanted to comment on it, except I thought his parents might think me nuts, and think me a less credible speech therapist.

I was on the way home today, and recalled suddenly a dream I'd had the night before. Funny how we easily forget our dreams, but then certain things in real life can later trigger the memory.

Anyway, in this dream -- something very scary and weird was happening to my hair (I don't know what it was, I just knew I was in danger or something). I was very distraught and desperately trying to shampoo my hair clean. But the more I washed and rubbed, the more distraught I became, and I slowly realised in my panic... the colour of my hair was changing! The level of terror that gripped me in this dream, you have no idea, hahaha. And at first my hair had become chestnut brown, and after more scrubbing, it became like reddish and pink. And the very last bit of the dream I remember has me looking in the mirror and seeing all my long hair in pale blond. The kind I'd have imagined was on DT!Draco -- except of course on me, it clashed hideously with my dark eyebrows. I think I was beyond shocked, though even my dream version spared a thought that it looked like Draco's hair.

In retrospect, this dream is hilarious and I almost laughed out loud when I remembered. What on earth is my poor subconscious grappling with. Although... I'm sure that reading so much of Draco Trilogy certainly had a part to play in providing the surface material of the dream -- all that description of hair and eye colours...

every weekend is wedding weekend

 congrats! Mumu, the pretty bride.

---

I count down to my weekends by the number of kids left to see.

4 more to go!