This is here because I couldn't stop laughing while watching this --
it's fangirling in action:
Fangirling in whichever genre, language or country is the same;
the falling all over the floor like crazy especially cracks me up!
And I totally approve: Song Joong Ki remains on my favourite Korean actors list without budging -- and staying power more than anything bespeaks value, right?
GOD. I wish Joong Ki was still a Running Man.
Then we'd get to see him every week.
This fangirling behaviour reminds me of the time my friends and I were having breakfast during our recess from Arabic class -- and lo and behold, Nouman Ali Khan was sitting at the next table. I saw him first -- cause the sole lady there was staring pointedly at me when we were obliviously hunting for seats -- almost as if daring me to notice. Which I did, of course. When we sat down, I quietly announced to my table what was happening -- and the flurry that followed, ohmygod. HAHAHA. HILARIOUS. Because my cousin became completely flustered and got everyone else flustered and went like, "Where, where! How, how!" And the moment the boys from our class started moving towards him, the ladies jumped out of their seats too: "We want a photo also!"
Not to mention tripping over our feet in front of him and shaking so badly that it was impossible to take a photo. Ridiculous! I was so embarrassed. If it was just me alone, I would probably have feigned ignorance and quivered with excitement inside at best.
Even if it was Yamapi at the height of my youthful infatuation (I can't believe I'm so over him now -- ah, fickle celebrity love), I probably would just freeze like an ice block. Overt fangirling needs company.
---
I don't know why I'm in such a random mood tonight --
but here's something else which had me in stitches:
I'm sure I've posted this here before in the past -- but it so deserves a re-post.
This has to be one of the longest breaks I've had here in years. Not sure why it happened -- just maybe the fact that there was always a gazillion other things that took priority over this blog, valid or not. I think it's gotten to that point again -- why am I writing? who am I? (like seriously, S, at age 28?) I'm still discovering or rediscovering facets of myself -- I suppose it's always better to be growing than not.
Lots have been happening.
*A few friends and I have started a book club! And it's one of those things in life one just has a very good feeling about -- know what I mean?
*I also had a rather long break from work back in September, starting from Polling Day and stretching on for two weeks -- that included a Bali villa-getaway, an amazing self-paid Social Thinking Conference and Workshop (that gave me awesome ideas for social skills clinics!), and Hari Raya Haji. You would think with that much time away from work, I would get down to reflecting and blogging, right? I don't know what got into me.
*I successfully co-conducted two separate talks in primary schools about teaching and caring for our special kids in the mainstream setting! as M likes to say it --- coola!
*I am way overdue for a proper, reflective post -- my thoughts have been simmering for weeks and weeks. And it needs to be let out -- but believe me when I say I should sleep. I really should just SLEEP instead of blog right now. I don't know if everyone's work day is this much nuts (it probably is because I largely blame our crazy Singaporean capitalist culture for our lifestyles) -- but see, the moment I step into work, like literally the very second I step through those glass doors -- work just doesn't stop. I can buy breakfast but it would seriously be sitting there unopened until maybe lunchtime on some days. Like today, I managed to down my cold tahue whilst I grabbed a 30 minute discussion with my NUS student. The flurry of activity at work is just out of this world -- I am doing magical feats, I tell you. I cannot imagine what the medical doctors are doing upstairs in the wards. They might as well be Flash the superhero, as far as I'm concerned.
*Which brings me nicely to this point: that despite how seriously inhumane work demands are right now, I am so deeply thankful that I love this career. It is possibly my ikigai (:
I cannot imagine slogging away at something I don't at least feel a passion for -- and looking back, taking that step to pursue something different in my younger days, has really been one of the best decisions I've ever made. I've mentioned before: how I've learnt that the right decision appears to be accompanied by a feeling of liberation, rather than a feeling of entrapment. I carry that knowledge now into the future as I battle through other rough, unknown terrains.
*That rough unknown terrain currently being this incessant need to be married off before I tick off like a time bomb or something (whyyyyyy). I question my iman -- it probably is terribly deficient in many ways. But what do I do -- I just. Can't. Don't. Know. All I know is I don't want to feel trapped. Do I even make sense? I hope I do. I want a man who will set me free. I want an ikigai-equivalent in this part of my life too, can?
*Yes, I often speak in hyperbole and metaphor, okay. (It's the way E and I talk all the time. I should totally record one of our nutsy conversations.) Not everything is to be taken literally. Because sometimes, truths can only be seen when situations are stretched to the extreme.
*It's like what Dr. Jeffrey Lang advised us to do in his talk about The Purpose of Life (which woohoo! Shaykh Hamza recommended on his blog after I did okay, hehehe -- see why this shaykh is still my favourite no matter what?):
(circa ~1:49) When you want to investigate the truth about something, assume the opposite and see if it fits the big picture/life/our existence. So for example, if you ask, "Why does God let little children suffer? They're too young to know anything, it's heartbreaking", think of the opposing hypothetical situation where children are invulnerable until they're adult. What do you get? What happens to the world? Then Mummys and Daddys wouldn't need to be Mummys and Daddys anymore. Parenting would be robbed of its value.
Listen to it:
(this is one of several versions you can find on youtube -- but it's the longest!)
Wah it's been a while since I've had a somewhat stream of consciousness post.
Some time back, I read Sybil, The Classic True Story of A Woman Possessed by Sixteen Personalities, by Flora Rheta Schreiber. It was fascinating, and horrific. And completely unforgettable.
“Do you know what it means to have a whole day ahead of you, a day you can call your own?”
Because Sybil would go to sleep on some days, and wake up a week later, two months later, years later, having missed large chunks of her life. And in between, a varied range of personalities took her place instead, living her life for her, and making her decisions for her.
Recent korean dramas have shown a penchant for playing with the theme of mental disorders. Kill Me, Heal Me (starring Ji Sung and Hwang Jung Eum) did the story of an individual with DID (i.e. Dissociative Identity Disorder, better known as Multiple Personality Disorder) just like Sybil, which made the drama a must-watch for me. I felt like it did a fairly good job representing the range of split personalities an individual with DID could possess -- and on top of that made it hilarious:
Ji Sung did a great job switching between his roles -- so funny. Oh Ri Jin's face everytime he complains about how he isn't pretty enough or needs plastic surgery, haha!
The one that I'm watching now, Hyde, Jekyll and Me, (starring Hyun Bin as a rich dude with DID) has the same premise but doesn't quite depict the disorder as faithfully. Although! The suffering that goes behind it is a lot more what one would expect with such an individual -- the pain of not being able to control the direction of your life, you know? And hating the parts of you so much that you wish you could kill them, but wouldn't that be suicide?
Because it's Hyun Bin though, this drama does feel more romance-centric (Hyun Bin looks better than he ever has, I think, hehe) and a lot more typically what I'd expect from a k-drama:
I've realised there isn't a point to this post (must my posts all have clear purposes? must they be point-y? hm.) -- but just saying I'm loving these stories. And I love it when I can make connections between the things I've read/watched/experienced.
Here's a short documentary clip about Sybil and real multiple personality disorders:
Thursday, August 27, 2015
The song for me right now, I feel --
And in accordance -- I do also feel like I need a haircut!
Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is, where your book begins; The rest is still unwritten
(Her songs are all so awesome, seriously.
How could I have not appreciated her work before?)
---
There are some things in life not going so great right now -- but oh man, I am really appreciating work life though. (I keep remembering what K said back in the past when things weren't so great for her and she was like, "At this age, just let me work lah. Thanks.")
I am making great friends with some of my colleagues. Work is not super wonderful or anything; some days, like seriously, I want to scream and roll my eyes and scream again -- my head feels like exploding while I stare at the crazy mess of a calendar that we have for our team -- but the fact that I then leave work and have a great dinner with them and we bitch about things, and talk about bigger things than work, it makes all the difference. It makes it worth it to come in the mornings, knowing that today, hey -- I've got to have her back. And some other days, when I feel like collapsing and making a fit -- we convene in a therapy room at 6PM, and share tears and hysterical laughter, and then at least feel: this crazy place that we work at, this crazy world that we live in, we're not alone.
---
Selawat Mahabbah
(whose meaning I've only started to internalise -- it's so wonderful, and it does encapsulate everything you'd need)
Oh Allah, selawat, salam and blessings upon Sayyidina Muhammad with the amount of Your Love for him.
And increase in us, Oh Allah, the love for him.
And relieve from us whatever that we are in, Ya Rabb, with his love.
And provide us with unveilings, Ya Rabb, with his love.
And provide us with resolute health against whatever that we face, Ya Rabb, with his love.
Love, love, love.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Sis and me rewatched the now-classic Legally Blonde movie.
I am not lying when I say it is inspiring me, in more ways than one, hehe.
I have decided I need endorphins to chase away blues.
---
Also,
Sunday, August 16, 2015
The goal of classical self-education is this: not merely to "stuff" facts into your head, but to understand them. Incorporate them into your mental framework. Reflect on their meaning for the internal life. The "external things" -- be they Platonic philosophy, the actions of an Austen heroine, or a political biography -- makes us more conscious of our own "reality and shape". This, not mere accumulation, is the goal of self-education. The journal is the place where this learning happens.
-- The Well-Educated Mind, Susan Wise Bauer
So many goals, too little time, limited self-discipline. But I will try hard, I will I will I will, insya Allah!
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
This was shared at one of our speech therapy inservices recently.
It filled my heart with fuzzies.
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Selamat Hari Raya!
Raya has been good! Our house is new in many ways, so when we had our guests over, there were tours hehe, and showing off new bathroom tiles and expensive foam mattresses and double-decker beds and 55-inch tv screens.
But above is my favourite corner in the entire house -- painstakingly created by my sis and me, that took hours, I tell you. Hours. It consists of: flowers painstakingly selected over ++rumination, Irada Sticker Art after ++anguish over which to select and regret for not sending over our own ni'al version to be customised, MWPP Marauder's Map (gifted by A and S from HP World in the US), Aroma diffuser (Tulip flavour), tiny pink wall clock with white border, Abah's old wooden shelf, the wooden "breathe" word art J gave me from one of her overseas trips, and our most current reads nicely arranged by order of height. We took so long arranging these items so that it'd look perfect -- seriously, hilarious to recall. We'd put something and then stare at it from a distance to see if it fit perfectly and then alter a miniscule bit and stare again -- repeat x 100. The time you see on the clock is in AM -- that's when we finally got done with this on malam raya. I'm surprised I could still wake up for prayers on raya morning.
I'm so happy with it now. *beams*
Some updates in life -- here they are:
* I have got myself a Kindle -- and it is one of the best things I've ever bought for myself in my entire life, really. How did I take this long to get one of these! It's amazing to have your entire library with you, in your handbag -- and it can also store PDFs, so I can read my journal articles for work and therapy. And it has dictionary functions and a cool paper-like screen surface, that can be adjusted to read in the dark. LOVE IT. This is a book lover's dream -- I thought I would miss the feel of paper, but no. No. No. It has been wonderful.
*I have started actually training others at work -- I couldn't believe it at first. Like wow. I attribute it mainly to the fact that most of my seniors are not interested in language clinics (as opposed to more medically-based clinics like feeding, swallowing and voice) so then it brings the expertise down to my level. We're also going over to mainstream primary schools to share expertise -- the career-driven part of my soul is trying not to burst from over-excitement and jubilation. But Subhanallah, I'm realising it now -- how Allah has put me in the right place despite all that inpatient nightmare. I've always wanted the mainstream school thing -- always, since back in my NUS days. Subhanallah, this is another example of how I should always trust God. Thank You, thank You, I love You.
*Match-making has entered my life in full-force. I am not even joking (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating). But -- ohmygod. What is with all this! Just -- God, I want to get out of all this crazy. Just -- let me marry someone who loves You, who loves me, and who I love. End.
*I have made some great and true friends at work -- and boy, does it make a whole load of difference. (:
Saturday, July 04, 2015
The family traipsed over to Swensens at the airport for sahur (i.e. our pre-dawn meal) at 3 am this morning.
Of course, I'm blamed as the instigator who woke everyone at 2.30 am -- but didn't we have a good time! :P heeeee. I love that my family does unconventional, spontaneous things like this.
This Ramadhan overall has been lovely for me so far. It really has. I haven't been superb with the worship, but I feel like I'm concertedly working to improve some little things. It's the small but consistent increments that pave the way to greater things, right? Insya Allah.
I pray that my heart stays peaceful and trusting the rest of this month and beyond, through whatever uncertainties this world presents.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Ramadhan is zipping by -- do you feel it? Everyone keeps saying how fast it's going, and before we know it, Syawal will be here and this precious time is over.
Going through mentally and emotionally stressful situations right now. Alhamdulillah that it's Ramadhan so that it takes away some of the anxiety. Really, if only every month was like this one.
Ya Muqqalibal qulub, keep my heart firm on Your deen, and in obedience of you, and in the love of Your Prophet s.a.w.. Ya Muqqalibal qulub, incline my heart toward your decree. Let me trust wholeheartedly that You will take care of all my affairs better than I could ever imagine, Amin.
On a side note -- been attending really awesome classes on my weekends, and something that Ust. F said has been scarily ringing in my head: if you have been learning and gaining knowledge, but it does not manifest itself in real-life improvements in you -- then know that Allah is distancing himself from you. In other words, if you gain knowledge, but do nothing to apply it -- you're in deep trouble.
GASP. My sis and me looked at each other and we were like -- O.O omg SCARY KOWAI. We will strive hard, okay? Insya Allah!
Friday, June 12, 2015
It's been a while!
June 2015 shall go down as possibly one of the busiest I've ever been in my working life. As teachers start enjoying their holidays, therapists start to go nuts with the workload -- because holidays mean... extra therapy time! Ugggg. I am running group therapy almost every day, it is exhausting. On the upside, my work units (i.e. a measure of productivity -- IKR, eee, systems) are through the roof this month. It should pull my appraisal up for the next financial year.
Outside talk of work -- it is a week to Ramadhan! And I am sort of feeling panic settling in at the back of my mind because I am tired and lethargic every time I get home, and I don't want to clean -- but our house is still not clean. Specifically our bedroom is still way far from the dream room we've been planning. And I am just... tired. And not sleeping well.
ohgod, I should just sleep. Ramadhan is comingggg, terawihhhh.
But before I do (because I've taken to watching loads of John Oliver these days) -- you've got to see this; something hilarious, and maybe really should be done in Singapore too, because how can we be apathetic about politics and governance with such crazy, cutesy things representing the important things of our nation? Then I won't keep mixing up MFA, MSF and MICA all the time -- acronyms are the worst. They actually might be a real ploy to prevent us from really caring about what these ministries are doing, ahah.
ok good night! Friday is here!
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Ah, I finally watched the final Rurouni Kenshin movie!
seriously.
Himura Kenshin. why you so kakkoi.
The last installment totally had some of the best fight scenes. This one with Sojiro is pretty awesome -- although, in my head, Kamiki Ryunosuke always triggers memories of Kyu from Tantei Gakuen Q, and I get nostalgic, fuzzy feelings of fangirling days instead, ahah.
Ohmygod -- he was so small last time, and look at him now.
I really wonder if it's my dad's influence that got me and my sis being able to appreciate action movies this much. Beautiful fight scenes are beautiful. And for me, sword fights are the most awesome. I've just got this thing about swords -- don't know when it started.
Was it from... Lymond? Draco Trilogy? Hard to say.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
This is timely --
I was just thinking yesterday, it's true,
how we really see things as we are, not as they are.
(A line I think is credited to Anais Nin?)
God, help me see things as they are.
As much as it would benefit me.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
I'm addicted to this super-catchy song!
Running Man leads me to this, can you believe it.
All it takes is for you to be really into just one thing in any culture,
then sooner or later you get sucked right in.
I credit my knowing loads of things in k-world just from Running Man.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Sohibul Isra', ya Nabina
Sohibul Mi'raj, ya Nabina
Wa ja'alna ma'aka, ya Nabina, ya Nabina
Dunya wa Ukhra, ya Nabina.
(:
Thursday, May 07, 2015
The reason I bought into the whole charm bracelet fad
(not knowing how wildly popular it is, really) --
was so that I could have little meaningful gems like this.
Apple of wisdom from my friends.
And lapis lazuli on the extreme right -- wonderfully gotten by my sister and mum.
What ties the fool to his body? somebody said.
A promise.
I shall send gems of lapis lazuli: I shall make her fields into vineyards, and the field of her love into orchards.
Philippa.
-- Checkmate, The Lymond Chronicles
Saturday, May 02, 2015
I talk about missing JE, Pi-chan, NEWS.
But Arashi, you are just something else.
Arashi, you amazing special thing.
At this point, it's like, if you don't know Arashi
-- your loss, your loss.
---
One of my father's friends/teachers commented and implied, more or less, that perhaps the reason I wasn't married was cause I wasn't thin enough. (Not that I recall, honestly, having met him anywhere within the vicinity of the last five years, for him to have made a fair judgement.) The sad and infuriating thing about this is the fact that it was an honest piece of advice. So okay, since it was a sincere gesture, I shall take it. I am always aware that I should definitely weigh less than I currently do.
But isn't it disappointing? That what would compel a man to marry appears to be skin deep? Why do some men say such things without thinking about how it reflects on them? So I make myself so slim and drop dead gorgeous, and then I get married.. and I live the rest of my life knowing that my physical appearance was the factor that clinched me my husband? That's terrifying.
What this idealistic heart of mine would like to do is, sure, make myself physically slim and beautiful, for a man who would marry me even if I were a... big blob of slime, say. What is that I hear? Is that you calling me an idealist? Well, I did say I was one, didn't I?
The great thing about this whole thing is that I realise it elicited in me only a mild hurt and annoyance. And fairly brief too, to top it off. (I think I am maturing, and growing up, yay! Well, I have turned a year older, haven't I?) I believe that the reason I am still not married, lies not solely in the fact that yes, maybe I'm not thin enough (or tall enough or pretty enough), but rather a result of the confluence of the following factors (or more): (i) lack of physical allure (sure, let's get that out of the way, shall we) (ii) not having guy friends + history of knowing only how to befriend girls in a girls' school (iii) not having enough Malay/Muslim friends (iv) being quite the introvert therefore not placing myself in social situations (v) lacking general social communication skills and not actively seeking out prospects (makes me wonder half the time if I should do therapy on myself) (vi) being interested in strange / weird / obscure things and thence being hard/too weird to relate to (vii) being too intense / serious / (pseudo-)philosophical at times and scaring people off (viii) being supposedly too smart -- whatever the heck that means; trust me, I feel stupid at work every day; unbelievably, it has been outrightly commented on more than once by guys, how my being smart is a problem (one of my friends tried to set me up and the guy said, "Oh no, she's smart?" -- jokingly, but still) (ix) God wants me to learn something by being single (x) I'm a unique snowflake and God's keeping my matching unique snowflake partner somewhere in this world until the time is right.
Wow, that's a lot of reasons. But being the idealist that I am, and though I concede reasons one through nine and shall try my bestest to improve -- this heart is banking on reason number ten. The good thing about being idealistic is that usually, it comes with being the kind of person who can keep faith pretty well. Hence, thus far, I have found a way to function and not be bogged down by negative talk and vibes from people. And also, even if things don't turn out favourably and I struggle with this for a long time -- it's a small struggle compared to what women around the world and in history have had to deal with.
Women struggle with a lot of things: (i) neglectful husbands (ii) being second/third/fourth wives (apparently very common thing in some Arab places) (iii) being pressured to have kids when they're not ready / struggle to but can't (iv) being labeled or perceived as stupid / ambitionless just cause they're homemakers (v) being labeled heartless / cold / lack femininity / too ambitious if they focus on career -- we all have struggles, right, men and women alike. Waiting for my Mr. Snowflake doesn't seem anywhere near the biggest of these struggles. Come on, S. And this is why, I always pray, God, make me bigger than myself (and my silly little worries).
So. To bring this crazy rambling to a close -- I'm glad that people jibing at my personal situation does not affect me so deeply. insya Allah, what I need in this world will be provided for.
