picture in my mind

I talk about missing JE, Pi-chan, NEWS.

But Arashi, you are just something else.

Arashi, you amazing special thing.

At this point, it's like, if you don't know Arashi 

-- your loss, your loss.

---

One of my father's friends/teachers commented and implied, more or less, that perhaps the reason I wasn't married was cause I wasn't thin enough. (Not that I recall, honestly, having met him anywhere within the vicinity of the last five years, for him to have made a fair judgement.) The sad and infuriating thing about this is the fact that it was an honest piece of advice. So okay, since it was a sincere gesture, I shall take it. I am always aware that I should definitely weigh less than I currently do.

But isn't it disappointing? That what would compel a man to marry appears to be skin deep? Why do some men say such things without thinking about how it reflects on them? So I make myself so slim and drop dead gorgeous, and then I get married.. and I live the rest of my life knowing that my physical appearance was the factor that clinched me my husband? That's terrifying.

What this idealistic heart of mine would like to do is, sure, make myself physically slim and beautiful, for a man who would marry me even if I were a... big blob of slime, say. What is that I hear? Is that you calling me an idealist? Well, I did say I was one, didn't I?

The great thing about this whole thing is that I realise it elicited in me only a mild hurt and annoyance. And fairly brief too, to top it off. (I think I am maturing, and growing up, yay! Well, I have turned a year older, haven't I?) I believe that the reason I am still not married, lies not solely in the fact that yes, maybe I'm not thin enough (or tall enough or pretty enough), but rather a result of the confluence of the following factors (or more): (i) lack of physical allure (sure, let's get that out of the way, shall we) (ii) not having guy friends + history of knowing only how to befriend girls in a girls' school (iii) not having enough Malay/Muslim friends (iv) being quite the introvert therefore not placing myself in social situations (v) lacking general social communication skills and not actively seeking out prospects (makes me wonder half the time if I should do therapy on myself) (vi) being interested in strange / weird / obscure things and thence being hard/too weird to relate to (vii) being too intense / serious / (pseudo-)philosophical at times and scaring people off (viii) being supposedly too smart -- whatever the heck that means; trust me, I feel stupid at work every day; unbelievably, it has been outrightly commented on more than once by guys, how my being smart is a problem (one of my friends tried to set me up and the guy said, "Oh no, she's smart?" -- jokingly, but still) (ix) God wants me to learn something by being single (x) I'm a unique snowflake and God's keeping my matching unique snowflake partner somewhere in this world until the time is right.

Wow, that's a lot of reasons. But being the idealist that I am, and though I concede reasons one through nine and shall try my bestest to improve -- this heart is banking on reason number ten. The good thing about being idealistic is that usually, it comes with being the kind of person who can keep faith pretty well. Hence, thus far, I have found a way to function and not be bogged down by negative talk and vibes from people. And also, even if things don't turn out favourably and I struggle with this for a long time -- it's a small struggle compared to what women around the world and in history have had to deal with.

Women struggle with a lot of things: (i) neglectful husbands (ii) being second/third/fourth wives (apparently very common thing in some Arab places) (iii) being pressured to have kids when they're not ready / struggle to but can't (iv) being labeled or perceived as stupid / ambitionless just cause they're homemakers (v) being labeled heartless / cold / lack femininity / too ambitious if they focus on career -- we all have struggles, right, men and women alike. Waiting for my Mr. Snowflake doesn't seem anywhere near the biggest of these struggles. Come on, S. And this is why, I always pray, God, make me bigger than myself (and my silly little worries).

So. To bring this crazy rambling to a close -- I'm glad that people jibing at my personal situation does not affect me so deeply. insya Allah, what I need in this world will be provided for.