Some time back, I read Sybil, The Classic True Story of A Woman Possessed by Sixteen Personalities, by Flora Rheta Schreiber. It was fascinating, and horrific. And completely unforgettable.

“Do you know what it means to have a whole day ahead of you, a day you can call your own?”

Because Sybil would go to sleep on some days, and wake up a week later, two months later, years later, having missed large chunks of her life. And in between, a varied range of personalities took her place instead, living her life for her, and making her decisions for her.



Recent korean dramas have shown a penchant for playing with the theme of mental disorders. Kill Me, Heal Me (starring Ji Sung and Hwang Jung Eum) did the story of an individual with DID (i.e. Dissociative Identity Disorder, better known as Multiple Personality Disorder) just like Sybil, which made the drama a must-watch for me. I felt like it did a fairly good job representing the range of split personalities an individual with DID could possess -- and on top of that made it hilarious:

Ji Sung did a great job switching between his roles -- so funny. Oh Ri Jin's face everytime he complains about how he isn't pretty enough or needs plastic surgery, haha!

The one that I'm watching now, Hyde, Jekyll and Me, (starring Hyun Bin as a rich dude with DID) has the same premise but doesn't quite depict the disorder as faithfully. Although! The suffering that goes behind it is a lot more what one would expect with such an individual -- the pain of not being able to control the direction of your life, you know? And hating the parts of you so much that you wish you could kill them, but wouldn't that be suicide?

Because it's Hyun Bin though, this drama does feel more romance-centric (Hyun Bin looks better than he ever has, I think, hehe) and a lot more typically what I'd expect from a k-drama:

I've realised there isn't a point to this post (must my posts all have clear purposes? must they be point-y? hm.) -- but just saying I'm loving these stories. And I love it when I can make connections between the things I've read/watched/experienced.

Here's a short documentary clip about Sybil and real multiple personality disorders:

The song for me right now, I feel --

And in accordance -- I do also feel like I need a haircut!

Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is, where your book begins;
The rest is still unwritten

(Her songs are all so awesome, seriously. 

How could I have not appreciated her work before?)

---

There are some things in life not going so great right now -- but oh man, I am really appreciating work life though. (I keep remembering what K said back in the past when things weren't so great for her and she was like, "At this age, just let me work lah. Thanks.")

I am making great friends with some of my colleagues. Work is not super wonderful or anything; some days, like seriously, I want to scream and roll my eyes and scream again -- my head feels like exploding while I stare at the crazy mess of a calendar that we have for our team -- but the fact that I then leave work and have a great dinner with them and we bitch about things, and talk about bigger things than work, it makes all the difference. It makes it worth it to come in the mornings, knowing that today, hey -- I've got to have her back. And some other days, when I feel like collapsing and making a fit -- we convene in a therapy room at 6PM, and share tears and hysterical laughter, and then at least feel: this crazy place that we work at, this crazy world that we live in, we're not alone.

---

Selawat Mahabbah 

(whose meaning I've only started to internalise -- it's so wonderful, and it does encapsulate everything you'd need)

Oh Allah, selawat, salam and blessings upon Sayyidina Muhammad with the amount of Your Love for him.

And increase in us, Oh Allah, the love for him.

And relieve from us whatever that we are in, Ya Rabb,  with his love.

And provide us with unveilings, Ya Rabb, with his love.

 And provide us with resolute health against whatever that we face, Ya Rabb, with his love.

Love, love, love.

Sis and me rewatched the now-classic Legally Blonde movie.

I am not lying when I say it is inspiring me, in more ways than one, hehe.

I have decided I need endorphins to chase away blues.

---

Also,

The goal of classical self-education is this: not merely to "stuff" facts into your head, but to understand them. Incorporate them into your mental framework. Reflect on their meaning for the internal life. The "external things" -- be they Platonic philosophy, the actions of an Austen heroine, or a political biography -- makes us more conscious of our own "reality and shape". This, not mere accumulation, is the goal of self-education. The journal is the place where this learning happens.

-- The Well-Educated Mind, Susan Wise Bauer

So many goals, too little time, limited self-discipline. But I will try hard, I will I will I will, insya Allah!

This was shared at one of our speech therapy inservices recently.

It filled my heart with fuzzies.

Selamat Hari Raya!

Raya has been good! Our house is new in many ways, so when we had our guests over, there were tours hehe, and showing off new bathroom tiles and expensive foam mattresses and double-decker beds and 55-inch tv screens.

But above is my favourite corner in the entire house -- painstakingly created by my sis and me, that took hours, I tell you. Hours. It consists of: flowers painstakingly selected over ++rumination, Irada Sticker Art after ++anguish over which to select and regret for not sending over our own ni'al version to be customised, MWPP Marauder's Map (gifted by A and S from HP World in the US), Aroma diffuser (Tulip flavour), tiny pink wall clock with white border, Abah's old wooden shelf, the wooden "breathe" word art J gave me from one of her overseas trips, and our most current reads nicely arranged by order of height. We took so long arranging these items so that it'd look perfect -- seriously, hilarious to recall. We'd put something and then stare at it from a distance to see if it fit perfectly and then alter a miniscule bit and stare again -- repeat x 100. The time you see on the clock is in AM -- that's when we finally got done with this on malam raya. I'm surprised I could still wake up for prayers on raya morning.

I'm so happy with it now. *beams*

Some updates in life -- here they are:

* I have got myself a Kindle -- and it is one of the best things I've ever bought for myself in my entire life, really. How did I take this long to get one of these! It's amazing to have your entire library with you, in your handbag -- and it can also store PDFs, so I can read my journal articles for work and therapy. And it has dictionary functions and a cool paper-like screen surface, that can be adjusted to read in the dark. LOVE IT. This is a book lover's dream -- I thought I would miss the feel of paper, but no. No. No. It has been wonderful.

*I have started actually training others at work -- I couldn't believe it at first. Like wow. I attribute it mainly to the fact that most of my seniors are not interested in language clinics (as opposed to more medically-based clinics like feeding, swallowing and voice) so then it brings the expertise down to my level. We're also going over to mainstream primary schools to share expertise -- the career-driven part of my soul is trying not to burst from over-excitement and jubilation. But Subhanallah, I'm realising it now -- how Allah has put me in the right place despite all that inpatient nightmare. I've always wanted the mainstream school thing -- always, since back in my NUS days. Subhanallah, this is another example of how I should always trust God. Thank You, thank You, I love You.

*Match-making has entered my life in full-force. I am not even joking (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating). But -- ohmygod. What is with all this! Just -- God, I want to get out of all this crazy. Just -- let me marry someone who loves You, who loves me, and who I love. End.

*I have made some great and true friends at work -- and boy, does it make a whole load of difference. (:

The family traipsed over to Swensens at the airport for sahur (i.e. our pre-dawn meal) at 3 am this morning.

Of course, I'm blamed as the instigator who woke everyone at 2.30 am -- but didn't we have a good time! :P heeeee. I love that my family does unconventional, spontaneous things like this.




This Ramadhan overall has been lovely for me so far. It really has. I haven't been superb with the worship, but I feel like I'm concertedly working to improve some little things. It's the small but consistent increments that pave the way to greater things, right? Insya Allah.

I pray that my heart stays peaceful and trusting the rest of this month and beyond, through whatever uncertainties this world presents.

Ramadhan is zipping by -- do you feel it? Everyone keeps saying how fast it's going, and before we know it, Syawal will be here and this precious time is over.

Going through mentally and emotionally stressful situations right now. Alhamdulillah that it's Ramadhan so that it takes away some of the anxiety. Really, if only every month was like this one.

Ya Muqqalibal qulub, keep my heart firm on Your deen, and in obedience of you, and in the love of Your Prophet s.a.w.. Ya Muqqalibal qulub, incline my heart toward your decree. Let me trust wholeheartedly that You will take care of all my affairs better than I could ever imagine, Amin.



On a side note -- been attending really awesome classes on my weekends, and something that Ust. F said has been scarily ringing in my head: if you have been learning and gaining knowledge, but it does not manifest itself in real-life improvements in you -- then know that Allah is distancing himself from you. In other words, if you gain knowledge, but do nothing to apply it -- you're in deep trouble.

GASP. My sis and me looked at each other and we were like -- O.O omg SCARY KOWAI. We will strive hard, okay? Insya Allah!

It's been a while!

June 2015 shall go down as possibly one of the busiest I've ever been in my working life. As teachers start enjoying their holidays, therapists start to go nuts with the workload -- because holidays mean... extra therapy time! Ugggg. I am running group therapy almost every day, it is exhausting. On the upside, my work units (i.e. a measure of productivity -- IKR, eee, systems) are through the roof this month. It should pull my appraisal up for the next financial year.


Outside talk of work -- it is a week to Ramadhan! And I am sort of feeling panic settling in at the back of my mind because I am tired and lethargic every time I get home, and I don't want to clean -- but our house is still not clean. Specifically our bedroom is still way far from the dream room we've been planning. And I am just... tired. And not sleeping well.

ohgod, I should just sleep. Ramadhan is comingggg, terawihhhh.



But before I do (because I've taken to watching loads of John Oliver these days) -- you've got to see this; something hilarious, and maybe really should be done in Singapore too, because how can we be apathetic about politics and governance with such crazy, cutesy things representing the important things of our nation? Then I won't keep mixing up MFA, MSF and MICA all the time -- acronyms are the worst. They actually might be a real ploy to prevent us from really caring about what these ministries are doing, ahah.

ok good night! Friday is here!

Ah, I finally watched the final Rurouni Kenshin movie!

seriously.

Himura Kenshin. why you so kakkoi.

The last installment totally had some of the best fight scenes. This one with Sojiro is pretty awesome -- although, in my head, Kamiki Ryunosuke always triggers memories of Kyu from Tantei Gakuen Q, and I get nostalgic, fuzzy feelings of fangirling days instead, ahah. 

Ohmygod -- he was so small last time, and look at him now.

I really wonder if it's my dad's influence that got me and my sis being able to appreciate action movies this much. Beautiful fight scenes are beautiful. And for me, sword fights are the most awesome. I've just got this thing about swords -- don't know when it started.
Was it from... Lymond? Draco Trilogy? Hard to say.

This is timely -- 

I was just thinking yesterday, it's true,

how we really see things as we are, not as they are. 

(A line I think is credited to Anais Nin?)

God, help me see things as they are. 

As much as it would benefit me.

I'm addicted to this super-catchy song!

Running Man leads me to this, can you believe it.

All it takes is for you to be really into just one thing in any culture,

then sooner or later you get sucked right in.

I credit my knowing loads of things in k-world just from Running Man.

Sohibul Isra', ya Nabina

Sohibul Mi'raj, ya Nabina

Wa ja'alna ma'aka, ya Nabina, ya Nabina

Dunya wa Ukhra, ya Nabina.

(:

The reason I bought into the whole charm bracelet fad 

(not knowing how wildly popular it is, really) -- 

was so that I could have little meaningful gems like this.

Apple of wisdom from my friends.

And lapis lazuli on the extreme right -- wonderfully gotten by my sister and mum.

What ties the fool to his body? somebody said.

A promise.

I shall send gems of lapis lazuli: I shall make her fields into vineyards, and the field of her love into orchards.

Philippa.

-- Checkmate, The Lymond Chronicles

I talk about missing JE, Pi-chan, NEWS.

But Arashi, you are just something else.

Arashi, you amazing special thing.

At this point, it's like, if you don't know Arashi 

-- your loss, your loss.

---

One of my father's friends/teachers commented and implied, more or less, that perhaps the reason I wasn't married was cause I wasn't thin enough. (Not that I recall, honestly, having met him anywhere within the vicinity of the last five years, for him to have made a fair judgement.) The sad and infuriating thing about this is the fact that it was an honest piece of advice. So okay, since it was a sincere gesture, I shall take it. I am always aware that I should definitely weigh less than I currently do.

But isn't it disappointing? That what would compel a man to marry appears to be skin deep? Why do some men say such things without thinking about how it reflects on them? So I make myself so slim and drop dead gorgeous, and then I get married.. and I live the rest of my life knowing that my physical appearance was the factor that clinched me my husband? That's terrifying.

What this idealistic heart of mine would like to do is, sure, make myself physically slim and beautiful, for a man who would marry me even if I were a... big blob of slime, say. What is that I hear? Is that you calling me an idealist? Well, I did say I was one, didn't I?

The great thing about this whole thing is that I realise it elicited in me only a mild hurt and annoyance. And fairly brief too, to top it off. (I think I am maturing, and growing up, yay! Well, I have turned a year older, haven't I?) I believe that the reason I am still not married, lies not solely in the fact that yes, maybe I'm not thin enough (or tall enough or pretty enough), but rather a result of the confluence of the following factors (or more): (i) lack of physical allure (sure, let's get that out of the way, shall we) (ii) not having guy friends + history of knowing only how to befriend girls in a girls' school (iii) not having enough Malay/Muslim friends (iv) being quite the introvert therefore not placing myself in social situations (v) lacking general social communication skills and not actively seeking out prospects (makes me wonder half the time if I should do therapy on myself) (vi) being interested in strange / weird / obscure things and thence being hard/too weird to relate to (vii) being too intense / serious / (pseudo-)philosophical at times and scaring people off (viii) being supposedly too smart -- whatever the heck that means; trust me, I feel stupid at work every day; unbelievably, it has been outrightly commented on more than once by guys, how my being smart is a problem (one of my friends tried to set me up and the guy said, "Oh no, she's smart?" -- jokingly, but still) (ix) God wants me to learn something by being single (x) I'm a unique snowflake and God's keeping my matching unique snowflake partner somewhere in this world until the time is right.

Wow, that's a lot of reasons. But being the idealist that I am, and though I concede reasons one through nine and shall try my bestest to improve -- this heart is banking on reason number ten. The good thing about being idealistic is that usually, it comes with being the kind of person who can keep faith pretty well. Hence, thus far, I have found a way to function and not be bogged down by negative talk and vibes from people. And also, even if things don't turn out favourably and I struggle with this for a long time -- it's a small struggle compared to what women around the world and in history have had to deal with.

Women struggle with a lot of things: (i) neglectful husbands (ii) being second/third/fourth wives (apparently very common thing in some Arab places) (iii) being pressured to have kids when they're not ready / struggle to but can't (iv) being labeled or perceived as stupid / ambitionless just cause they're homemakers (v) being labeled heartless / cold / lack femininity / too ambitious if they focus on career -- we all have struggles, right, men and women alike. Waiting for my Mr. Snowflake doesn't seem anywhere near the biggest of these struggles. Come on, S. And this is why, I always pray, God, make me bigger than myself (and my silly little worries).

So. To bring this crazy rambling to a close -- I'm glad that people jibing at my personal situation does not affect me so deeply. insya Allah, what I need in this world will be provided for.

long weekends should be forever

Happy Labour Day! And hooray for the long weekend.

It's also my birthday weekend so I'm looking forward to celebrations, hee. (: Though I've already gotten lovely wishes, and presents.

It's a happy time, Alhamdulillah.

God, keep me grateful for every day.

I have more words, but let's save them for another proper blog post.
A good one is long due.

---

This! is so super nostalgic to me right now. 

I think I used to know the lyrics of this song by heart! 

Gosh, I've forgotten how well Tego can sing -- 

and I have missed NEWS. JE. Yamapi.
(yes, in accordance, I have restarted shipping yamaki -- true love never dies, right.)

What is love?

It's you.

It's been a while!

Lots happening -- including the fact that I have been somewhat homeless for the past week, due to our home being turned upside down for renovation purposes. The family is scattered, and I'm currently bunking at my aunt's place and adhering to stricter house rules than I'm used to, like having to switch off the wifi when we're done. Our wifi at home runs 24/7 non-stop, seeing as how no one knows what a decent hour of sleep is supposed to be.



Anyways, been meaning to blog for days -- of the many things that's worth mentioning, there's this blog that I have taken to devouring, thanks to my brother's random link the other day: The Burning Blogger of Bedlam. It's basically an excellently-written blog that compiles tidbits of news from the world-over, and presents them in a clear and rational narrative, that makes perfect sense. It is both amazing and horrifying -- amazing in the sense of ohmygod, the amount of independent journalism that's out there that we don't know about because it is not publicised in mainstream media (and this blogger is only one of many, and I've yet to slowly discover them all), and horrifying because the picture that is clearly painted is not an encouraging picture of the state of the world. The amount of evil that exists, it's seriously scary. The writer always offers balanced statements and views, and is measured in his words and presentation; at the same time, it isn't dry, but engaging -- and I credit this to his obvious love of pop culture (i.e. films, music, and comics/literature), and apparently he does make a living as an author of some sort.

The thing is, all the news information is out there -- as evinced by the jagazillion links he makes reference to. But because most of us don't have the time to dig them up, much less piece them together so that they make sense, we don't see the big picture. We're utterly blur and so busy with being made to slog for the system (which, don't you see people? it's part of the plan!), we're happy to swallow the stories that are sold on mainstream media. But see, mainstream media is often lying. And I really don't think it's being extreme or controversial anymore to say that. Mainstream media is often lying.

I'm so glad it doesn't take a Muslim to see how much hypocrisy and blatant lying there is out there. It's far too obvious, even if you exert the littlest mental effort.

You know, for the millionth time in my life, I don't get it. It must be a sin or something to be an idealist.

Being idealistic is fundamentally for the young and to be proven wrong?

J and I are in Melaka!



Life has been chaotic in Singapore, but not in a bad way. The past few weeks felt like a marathon, both at work and at home. Finishing projects, clinic trainings, and the cleaning up at home in prep for some renovation. And the ongoing Hanen parent workshops that take up my weekends.

Finally getting some stillness and quiet away from normal life now, chilling in a poofy, comfy bed, waiting for J to get up so we can go for breakfast. I need these moments so that I don't feel like life is passing me by.

“Depict your sorrows and desires, your passing thoughts and beliefs in some kind of beauty—depict all that with heartfelt, quiet, humble sincerity; and use to express yourself the things that surround you, the images of your dreams and the objects of your memory. If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself, tell yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches; for to the creator there is no poverty and no poor or unimportant place.”

-- Rilke

Watched the latest movie adaptation of Romeo and Juliet with my sis, and really liked it! It's just so beautifully done. The setting! The clothes! Romeo! Haha. And sigh, the language.

I have missed beautiful language. Makes me want to pick up a random Shakespeare text (or worse, re-read some part of Lymond for the umpteenth time).

This has some of the most beautiful sap ever in literature.

And no matter that we knew the ending,

we still screamed when Romeo stupidly drank the poison.

I mean, seriously. Annoyed me to the bone, the pair of them.

for true education

Put here for keeps:

notes

- We should be creating happy, motivated, creative human beings. -- This should be one of the major goals of education. I feel like most local kids don't have a single one of these three attributes. At least not the ones I encounter.

- Constant monitoring in schools -- how is this a good thing?

- Grading is useful for large classrooms so the teacher knows where a child is on the spectrum of learning, but it has become a label instead, with detrimental effects on confidence and actual performance. One-on-one teaching does not require grading systems. Alternatives to grading system: Pass/Fail (i.e. whether you got the topic/subject or not and move on, or you keep doing it until you get it, or... decide it's not worth pursuing and move on?)

- Expect children to be the best, and they will surprise you. Think well of others (of children), and they will respond in kind.

- Each person has different awakenings: spiritual, intellectual, physical awakenings -- so if a person finds it hard to get something at one point in time, they haven't gotten their awakening yet?

- Education is meaningless if divorced from the sacred.

- The socioeconomic class issue in relation to education -- so many issues. It's making me think of that time I was in California, Palo Alto, and learning about the multicultural environment there, and how some African-American communities insist in having exclusive African-American schools. In a school where they are not labeled as poor students based on the colour of their skin (consciously or not, explicitly or not), children do a lot better at school. They learn better. Also, being immersed in their own culture, as opposed to the mainstream white culture, helps them learn better as well -- because the learning matter pertains to them! We always underestimate subtle factors like this.

- The Flynn effect

- How are we defining success? What are we chasing, what are we making our children chase?

- Let children explore what they're naturally inclined to do, they will excel. Happiness is when one is allowed to flourish in what one is good at doing.

- When the food comes, put away the books. Be with the food. Why are we multi-tasking so much! Be present. We should get back to doing things well, one at a time. Multi-tasking is detrimental.

- Two people live in wonder: children and philosophers. -- Shaykh Abdullah Bin Bayyah

- Boredom is important for creativity. We need down-time.

- St Thomas Aquinas: Every culture needs the people who do nothing but contemplate. We need them. They are the Socrates-es of our time.

- Why are you so afraid of losing your job? Make one! Employment used to be only one part of life.

- Also, I'm currently running Hanen parent workshops, and it's making me think about the 4P teaching process we use to teach adults, i.e. Prepare, Present, Practice and Personalize

Prepare = an experience that relates to the reason why learning something is useful or important
I feel like this is integral to create motivation for learning anything! Shouldn't we do this more with kids as well? A "prepare" strategy may show how a problem exists in the world, and therefore the need to address the problem. E.g. The world is polluted, and it creates a lot of health problems -- shouldn't we therefore learn about pollution and how it comes about? Of course, the trick as teachers is to "Prepare" in an impactful way.

Present = the transfer of information from a knowledge source to students
This is generally what most of us understand as teaching, or education. But even in the Hanen workshop, it says that we should spend only 20% of our learning time on this! And it is the simplest part of the whole learning process -- I'm thinking that if you were to tutor anyone, what's important is that, you "prepare" them for the content. After which, for the "present" portion, you could virtually leave it to the individual to find the knowledge source i.e. read up, research -- goodness, isn't this PBL? It was exactly what we did in my SLP course, which explains why I loved it so much and I feel it worked so well. And why not try it out for children or young adults? Let them build their thirst for knowledge! I feel like my time in RG had some elements of this, actually, and I pride on the fact that most of us we were essentially independent learners. If anyone asks me of my time in RG, I often say, we had relatively mediocre teachers (maybe an exceptional few inspiring ones), but we were essentially studying by ourselves. We mugged ourselves and we mugged well. The Present portion is the one that needs the least skill to execute.

Practice = applying what was learnt in the Present portion
This is where the teacher really comes in. This is the time when an individual's skills and knowledge are polished and refined, with help from feedback from the teacher. And mistakes are allowed; no, mistakes are necessary. I feel that this portion, which should make up the bulk of learning, hardly happens at all! D: Because, ultimately, this requires a lot of customized attention and feedback. It requires a one-on-one format, or at least a small group one -- and what teacher in our school system gives that? Sometimes, our really poor students will get it, cause they are so poor, we start paying attention. But what about the average kids and the potential-for-greatness kids? They don't get to polish their skills, when they should be able to! They don't get specific feedback. And mistakes aren't encouraged, they are frowned upon -- when it is necessary for learning.

I feel like I have had such poor or minimal experience of a true "practice" portion in learning, and it explains why training for my clinics in my adulthood is such a horror. I've always been an A student, did relatively well at everything -- I have had zero experience of anyone truly giving me tips to do better at what I was already okay at doing. I have never had tuition ever, either. The fear of failure is something I'm always still learning to overcome, I think.

Personalize = independently applying into real-life
This portion sort of circles back to the "Prepare" portion, and links the learning matter back to meaning and real-life. The teacher's role is to facilitate and assist the student, who at this stage should be quite enthused, in putting their skills out there in the world for a greater purpose. This is probably the most exciting part of being a teacher -- you realise that you had a little part to play in making something dynamic and awesome happen in the world.

Found some practical tips on how to learn language 

(I've recently revived my drive to get through Harry Potter in Arabic!):

-- and realised that, basically, all he suggested were speech language therapy techniques! 

hello. my profession is cool, if I can say so myself.

you don't need language parents. 

the best option is a speech language therapist 

to carry out language stimulation in a foreign language.

man, is this planting ideas in my head or what.

The next day, we ran into Narnie in the driveway. "Hey Jake, how's the pi?" she asked.

"Good. I haven't memorized anymore, though. Mom says it's a waste of time."

I had, because it was. Jake could keep going and going until the end of time -- but why? The synesthetic autistic savant Daniel Tammet memorized pi out to fifty thousand digits and recited it to raise money for an autism charity, which was a wonderful thing. (Ultimately, the recitation took him more than 5 hours. He used chocolate to get through it. That, at least, I could relate to.) But even Daniel Tammet talked more in his book about the challenges of managing his social anxiety and the physical difficulties of the recitation than any particular intellectual challenge.

Narnie came right back at Jake, with the world's most innocent look. "What?" she said. "No, silly. I was talking about cherry pie."

Jake cracked up, shaking his head as he got into the car. There's no chance of him getting a fat head as long as Narnie's around.

I laughed, too, but something was nagging at me. Halfway down to the university, I looked at Jake in the backseat in my rearview mirror. He was playing Angry Birds on his iPad.

"Hey, Jake," I said. "Why did you stop memorizing pi at forty digits?"

"I didn't stop at forty. I stopped at two hundred."

"But before. Why did you stop at forty?"

"It was forty including the three. Thirty-nine decimal digits, actually."

"Okay, but why did you stop there?"

"Because with thirty-nine decimal places, you can estimate the circumference of the observable universe down to a hydrogen atom. I figured that was all I'd ever really need."

-- The Spark, A Mother's Story of Nurturing, Genius and Autism 

O.O Reading about genius is mindblowing.

it's been a wonderfully busy break

How do we achieve sustainable development?

'Ilmu with akhlak.
'Amal with ikhlas.

---

this! is awesome.

passion is your greatest love.

great friend, great spouse,
great parent, great career.

Are they not one package?
How can you be one without the other?

This came along with my exploration of my current non-fiction read: The Spark, a story of a boy diagnosed with moderate-severe autism at 2 years, but whose Mother pulled him out of special ed so that he could continue learning in his own way. And now this boy is a 14-year-old Masters student and an apparent genius in physics and astronomy. This is phenomenal and makes me want to do probably-unacceptable things in my therapy sessions!

and here is Jacob Barnett -- he still has some brushing up to do with respect to his social skills (adorable boy), but if he's truly autistic, this is amazing. Amazing, amazing, amazing.

The basic message is this: that if we only allow ourselves to pursue our natural inclinations and passions, we will be capable of doing great things. 

Motivation is key.

And love really makes the world go round.

My mind has been sufficiently blown as I contemplate my thoughts in recent days.

I wonder if life is actually about discovering the truth of the platitudes we hear.

---

 on the k-drama front -- Healer is finished! I have so much love for it -- my drama love-list has been thoroughly scrambled, thank you. I need some time before I can decide what's at the top now. I'm actually spending the last night of this CNY break listening to a Healer-related podcast -- what the heck, I ask you. Didn't I use to do this with JE? What is happening! guh.

How do I summarise what I love about Healer -- god. I think dramabeans said it best: it's like a drama for drama-watchers. Like, you've watched a gazillion dramas and you think you know how this is going to go but, but, but! It surprises you! In such unexpectedly, wonderful ways! It made me wide-eyed with giddiness -- there were bits that made me go, For real?? Is this for real? Did that just happen in this drama -- they are not going to agonize over this plot point??? I felt like it brought k-drama to amazing, unchartered frontiers.

I think my favorite thing about Healer is that it never actually goes where I’m afraid it’s going to go. Jung-hoo has had plenty of opportunities to go full noble idiot on us, but he never takes the leap. Similarly, Young-shin has had numerous chances to believe the worst of Jung-hoo, but she never does. Past dramas have taught me to expect misunderstandings at every possible turn, but they never seem to come to fruition in Healer.

And yes, fantastic chemistry all round; not just between our leads! LOVE the whole team, seriously. 

Currently struggling through another new clinic at work, dealing with kids with sensory issues:

Also, I've been hit by another idea for a future venture -- and feeling super-excited, hehe. It trumps all the previous talks I've had with friends regarding opening of schools/bookstores/mobile speech therapy clinics with strict 3-day work-week/cafes/Muslim-casket-companies. I will probably regale S with it first when I see her this coming week.

I have too many ideas and not enough discipline.

If we consider men and women generally, and apart from the professions or occupations, there is only one situation I can think of in which they almost pull themselves up by their bootstraps, making an effort to read better than they usually do. When they are in love and are reading a love letter, they read between the lines and in the margins; they read the whole in terms of the parts, and each part in terms of the whole; they grow sensitive to context and ambiguity, to insinuation and implication; they perceive the colour of words, the odour of phrases, and the weight of sentences. They may even take the punctuation into account. Then, if never before or after, they read.

-- Mortimer Adler, How to Read a Book

Completely random this wee hour of the morning,

but this is such a beautiful cover of Taeyang's Eyes Nose Lips,

I couldn't not keep it.

I am totally sucked into k-fandom these days, I know.

Still so totally in love with this drama and this pairing!

And here paired with the super-addictive Maroon 5 song, Sugar:

If I was younger, this would have totally gone into my top 10 OTP list. But now that I'm far too grown (I do not want to say old), life does not allow me to dwell. Daylight hours steal my brain.

As a whole -- this show is doing superbly. At the start, I did feel lukewarm about it -- like, eh, it's compelling enough but the main plot was too convoluted to hook me in properly. This turned out well in the end though, because its slow unraveling is what's keeping audiences riveted now. It's so frakking exciting, I almost squealed on the bus home while watching today.

And the pairing! GOSH. I have harped on enough, but this is like the most functional hero-OTP pairing I've come across. They are so functional and workable and amazing, despite how screwed up their individual situations are -- you know how typical hero characters rarely ever get together, not until the very end? Because either the hero or both the girl and the hero have terrible issues to work out? Well, this pairing works them out. Waaay early. And it's so satisfying. So instead of getting the whole, extended pain-melodrama, how each is bad for the other, we get to see these two confront each other instead, and cry and say amazing, tear-jerking things -- and then they decide to be together. AND IT IS AWESOME. Because on top of everything, girl is helping hero with the missions, and their working together is super duper fun to watch. (KBS drama does not allow embedding of the episode clips, eesh. I wish I could keep them here.)

Healer: Okay, run!

Young Shin.: Okay -- wait, where?

Healer: *almost does a headdesk* Where you were heading!

Young Shin: Oh, right. *dashes off*

Ohmygod, seriously, so cute.

I may blog about real life the next time round -- hahh. 

Currently watching the k-drama, Healer -- and it's my typical hero archetye plot!

It stars Park Min Young, who's had a wonderful track record with her male co-stars for having great chemistry. (I mean, she made it work even with Lee Min Ho, who for all his super K-stardom, I feel lacks chemistry with most actresses). But this -- with Ji Chang-wook -- takes the cake. 

They're great together! They can be both funny and intense -- and makes this hero show a joy to watch after long workdays like the one I just had.

Much to talk about... but the night is short.

First post of 2015 --

I should have lots to say! I do. Back from my travels and all, and starting the third year of work. But where to start.

• After wondering for years in school which is more important: what you do or who you do it with -- 2 years of work has me deciding that it totally is who you do it with. For me at least. The worst type of work can be bearable with awesome company, and the best kind of work can be torture with horrid people around. Maybe it's because we're social creatures -- that for you to feel good after a day's work, all it needs sometimes is knowing you have amazing persons supporting you; knowing that you're not alone in your work. Perhaps it extends to life in general -- the road we're on will always be more bearable when there are others around, or when there's that one special companion, regardless of how crazy the road can get.
• Mawlid in Egypt -- meeting so many amazing persons who love Nabi s.a.w., from all over, and also, a total test of my Arabic skills!!! ohmygod. At one point, I was thrown alone into a group of ladies with not a shred of English, much less Malay, and it was, haha, hilarious, to recall. But I am sorta proud of myself because it was not completely hopeless. :P I could understand the ones from Saudi best because they used Modern Standard Arabic and weren't speaking dialect versions which completely befuddled me. There was one point however when I kept wanting to ask, "Where are you guys staying here?", so I literally asked, "في اين تسكن؟", and they kept saying, "Saudi, but we're from Yemen." And I was like, Yes, I know that, but where are you guys staying while you're here? And they kept repeating, We stay in Saudi, thinking I didn't understand them earlier. And after a while I kinda just gave up and wanted to headdesk, only to realise later that "تسكن" really means where you're like permanently staying. I should have used "تقيم" instead. I mean, seriously, the subtleties in meaning -- who knew. Not us while we're in class.
• We had a Syrian lady with her three kids living across from our Asian quarter -- GORGEOUS. Hello, Syrian people are just seriously gorgeous. She had two adorable boys that ohmygod, I think I seriously miss. They were 2 and 4 years old (just the typical ages of the kids I see everyday) and so cute. I wish they were still around for me to hug. And again, of course, I had to speak in Arabic with them! >.< And I would go, "هذا؟، هذا؟" as I pointed to things so I could figure out what the older brother, Taj, was saying. And still, we played this Monster app together on my iPhone, and he named the different foods he fed the Monster -- "!جبن", Cheese! "!بصل", Onion! Haha it was so adorable, man. I was totally learning Arabic from him. He still refused to let me sleep when it was like 1 am, and we were going to leave at 3 am (in the freezing cold, may I add) . He went under the covers with me (I was bunking on the sofa in the living area) and stayed stuck to my phone while I started building a headache from lack of sleep. Barely kissed him goodbye when we left.         

 

Even if I ever see the two of you again, you'll be big and won't be in the ladies' quarter anymore! Meh. Gosh, this would be a great opportunity for some Makcik to cut in 

and tell me to go get married and make my own boys. 

But... will the boys I have ever be this cute! And speak Arabic so adorably some more.

More awesome moments to share -- but another night!

I am so tired tonight, ahakz. I stayed at the office late just so I could finish all my work for 2014, then I got home and started binging on Supernatural and KFC like a brain-dead zombie.

I watched this episode of Supernatural:

SPOILERS FOR SEASON 10







Haha! And just when E was telling me how X-files (or was it Buffy?) had a musical episode, and I happily commented, well, yes, I can't ever imagine Sam and Dean singing a musical number, that's why it hasn't happened. Apparently, I should bite my tongue -- they managed to make a musical episode, embedded within some meta-fiction!

I half-hate it. Meta often feels fan-nish and tacky. But at the same time, it offers such hilarious stuff -- and that's why I really can't hate it all that much. (I mean, seriously, if you think about it -- we totally transplanted ourselves into our fandom when we were in our teen years; it was hilarious and incredibly fun, but ridiculously embarrassing.)

I've decided I like this, ahahah.


---


Anyway, finally -- I've had my last day of work for 2014. And I'm looking forward to my trip! (((:

I don't know what I'm expecting, but I really -- wish, hope, pray -- that when I'm back, somehow, I'll... feel different. Figure out things more, see more. Be better, be inspired. Insya Allah, Amin.

The last time I was in Egypt was literally 10 years ago!

You can't just have sincerity; you need sincerity and guidance. You've got to be mukhlis with guidance, and that's called mukhlas.

-- Shaykh Hamza Yusuf

This explains a lot of people. And we should always check every now and again, if we happen to be one of them. Sincerely problematic.

insya Allah, all is well

Had lunch with the Linear Algebra peeps this afternoon, and we concluded it with a round table on the highs and lows of 2014 -- and it has compelled me to blog, because I've been meaning to, and because it's December and my reflection for the year is due!

So here come the bullet points because my capacity for writing continuous prose has severely deteriorated.

• First off, it fills me with a deep sadness that I am writing in bullet points again. What has become of this space! I have no inspiration or mood to write anymore, and I am wont to blame it on the busy working life. :( Inspiration comes from good, lengthy down-time, when you let thoughts simmer and slowly come to life.
• Which brings me to point 2 -- I have been complaining a lot about this year; and I am not happy that I am complaining so much like an ungrateful brat. :((( It's just that this year has been the year when WORK WENT NUTS. Like work suddenly decided to dump a crazy amount on my plate and my plate is still overflowing, and has no signs of clearing. Ever.
• Inpatient training! Wraps up a lot about 2014 for me. Bad experience. Good lessons.
• 3-day work week (or something equivalent) -- a future that I hope to realise. Because I want my life to grow in many ways, not just one, and not when it burns me out like this.
• I feel the hard times made me closer to some of my friends this year! 
• A crazy number of books bought and hoarded.
• Nice work trips! KL, and Medan.
• Egypt and Istanbul trip coming up! The former for a Mawlid gathering that has been a loooong time coming, and the latter for a quick holiday. I'm hoping both of those will conclude the year on a high note for me. And fill me with zest for what's to come, 2015 and beyond.

---

oh, heart! how I adore you.

yes. in good moments like tonight, I contemplate everything and feel happy.

Insya Allah, all is well, though much is unclear in this messy world.

Lack of discipline is the source of all evil: whoever does not obey, will be disemboweled by the admiral.

-- apparently a French wisdom, quoted by Lymond, in Pawn in Frankincense

And I quote here because I know discipline is what I sorely lack. (and yes, against my better judgement, I am re-reading Pawn in Frankincense because I got excited about going to Istanbul -- a revisit after ~16 years, whoo!)

Ideas get nowhere if one has zero discipline. :(

How to get over lack of discipline, if one is not disciplined to begin with??? I need an outside intervention.

Sadness.

God, give me inspiration and motivation.

I will work hard! Tomorrow... ZZZzzz.

No, seriously. Tomorrow.

because this country is run like a corporation

Oh, Singapore. Please let's move toward a better life.

Let's think less of money and profits and being first in everything, 

and more about building a sustainable and enriching life.

What a day.



This is why I never feel rested over the weekend. My schedule on the weekend is always crazy packed, that by the time Monday rolls around again (in the blink of an eye, it feels), I'm possibly even more exhausted. This is not a sustainable lifestyle, S.

Just returned home from the Singapore-Malaysia Suzuki Cup match at our spanking-new-beautiful stadium (for me reminiscent of Camp Nou! ahah). We lost -- if you didn't already know, but what an experience. First off, the last time I was at Kallang Stadium... was... I don't know when, honestly. So just being in those spectator seats, amongst the pumped-up crowd, was exhilarating. It brought back some long-suppressed patriotic feelings, and I cheered like I was back in school. And the crowd! So many, and so red. And there were like two rounds of a perfect Kallang Wave.

But then we lost, which put a damper on things. And led to us witnessing some crazy fan behaviour. We totally wanted to keropok the referee, ahah. He gave a penalty to Malaysia at like the 93rd minute or something -- and you can imagine the rage in the stands, aiyoh. Bottles, toilet paper rolls, were flung at the said referee-kayu until police with shields had to come escort him. I thought it was seriously funny that people refused to go home until we booed him to satisfaction. Funny, but also, not very pretty.

Also, earlier in the day:

Cara's wedding! 

One of the most demure and classy brides I've ever seen.

STs unite! at weddings.

God, I miss my class. I really do.

Then we birds had a seriously overdue meet-up:

Arabic exam tmr some more! 

Ridiculous. I must learn to prioritise.

"The habit of apprehending a technology in its completeness: this is the essence of technological humanism, and this is what we should expect education in higher technology to achieve. I believe it could be achieved by making specialist studies the core around which are grouped liberal studies which are relevant to these specialist studies. But they must be relevant; the path to culture should be through a man's specialism, not by-passing it...

A student who can weave his technology into the fabric of society can claim to have a liberal education; a student who cannot weave his technology into the fabric of society cannot claim even to be a good technologist."

-- Lord Ashby, Technology and the Academics

This -- as E and I share books, and thoughts about the world. We lament almost consistently now how education should have been for us, and how it should be in our dream school. Instead of being given the tools for thinking, we've often grown up being taught what to think.

Currently in Kuala Lumpur, at the tail end of this 4-day trip for a workshop on pediatric dysphagia.

Feel like I just have to blog, since I have the chance to. Although, I'm dying to get back to watching American Horror Story, thanks to my colleague-and-current-roomie G -- and I can't say no to horror, ahah.

This workshop has been super-educational, insightful, and vindicating. Especially vindicating, because I feel like it makes even more sense now why I floundered so much at inpatient training. I haven't suddenly developed a love for pediatric swallowing management, but I now appreciate the field a bit more, and I still feel like I'm an okay therapist, despite not being great at this.

I have other thoughts but--

tonight I want to chill in this awesome hotel. (: 

It's been a good feasting, learning, and shopping escapade.

So yesterday, after what seems like eons in the realm of friendship, I finally met up with E (I have taken to not spelling names out because then they are not made google-able, and there can be some semblance of anonymity to the other people in my life -- but no, I will not backtrack and do that to all my previous blogposts, that would be a nightmare).

Blogging list-like so that my thoughts aren't so messy:

• I realise I have been worrying my friends about my previous drama with inpatient training. I am sorry for being drama! It may be the reason J bought me pastry for free, accompanied me for haircuts, and the very reason E finally called down for a meet-up after so long. There is an innate melodramatic instinct in me -- I don't know if I should blame the Indian part of my heritage, haha. But actually, yes, the problem is not as bad it sounds and I am not dying. And besides, inpatient training has been put-on-hold, so life is not so crazy for now.

• That I have a few best friends. I tend to say E is my best friend because our rapport is crazy (see comic below for explanation), and just yesterday alone, we sat in the same restaurant for 3.5 hours just chatting. But then I spend a whole lot of time with J nowadays and it's cause I realise we have the same... needs, for lack  of better word. Like we panic over the same things, and she totally gets why I panic about the things I panic about. And then there's S, with whom discussions of the theological sort are just super-amazing, and our thoughts on the way the world should be are super-congruent. 

• It leads me to that one time the Linear Algebra group had a discussion on this topic of best friends, and I was appalled at the idea of two best friends having a falling out with one another because one of them had been neglectful of the other, and not included the best friend in all of her outings/decisions/new friendship groups. I didn't know that to some people, a best friend was an actual label, like a boyfriend. And you had exclusivity rights! like your boyfriend/significant other would. That would make me a cheating best friend! D: Because I guiltily enjoy all my best friends. Can't we have a polygamous relationship with friends, please. I love you all. (And omg, I'm starting to wonder if this is what polygamous men say to their wives! OMG -- no, no, no, romantic relationships are different from friendships (and not just cause of the sexual intimacy bit) and the arguments are not all necessarily parallel.)

• My brother is getting married before me; not-so-soon, but soon-enough, and for a while, it became this other thing that underscored how not-normal I felt I was. So I had a bit of soul-searching for a while to regain mental and emotional stability -- and I realised after a while, that this has happened repeatedly in my life. Not the fact that my brother was getting married, but the fact that I would always fall short of some conventional expectation or other (and maybe everyone does, eh) -- and that the best times of my life have always been when I came to realise that I liked me for who I am, that I accepted me for who I am, that I am different and it's okay (or even wonderful!). It's not easy to explain how this happens... but I think it's got something to do about seeing the beauty of your own situation and not missing it for someone else's fairytale.

• Despite the nightmare that inpatient work was, I still actually enjoy this profession. Just because it puts me in a position to work on stuff that are supremely interesting to me (i.e. language and communication, its intricacies, its impact on life, the brain) and I actually am able to do stuff to help people. I've been thinking how annoying it is to have these boundaries of our profession -- like this is what a speech therapist does, that is what a teacher does, that's what a doctor does, that's a counselor's job, we're therapists -- not academics. All I want to do is help people and do what I'm passionate about. Stop labeling me! It's suffocating. 

And now that I've finally lost steam, here's the INFP-INTP comic (from oddlydevelopedtypes.com, which is hilarious and fun) that I think depicts my dynamic with E:

growing old together... with friends, is fun

Panicking about our lack of trendy online knowledge:

---

Another sign of time passing: 

the newest generation of Bollywood stars are starting to make their onscreen debuts. 

Tiger Shroff and Kriti Sanon in Heropanti; 

mostly, this music video is here because of how much pretty there is: both face and fashion-wise. (Tiger's face, while McCaulay-Culkin-in-nature, grows on me after a while; 

also, he makes up for it so easily with that physique.)

But seriously -- that blue sari; I have half-a-mind to replicate that somehow into a halal version.

And it seemed only yesterday (i.e. in reality, ~13 years ago) 

when Kak Naz (and fine, me too!) was raving about Hrithik Roshan making his debut.

Happy Islamic New Year!

Insya Allah, this year will be better than the one before.





You know how people say, everything happens for a reason?

I think we're not supposed to necessarily know what the reasons are... But how does one not harp on it? Especially when things don't make sense. And when it appears so bad in real life.

It's been a while.

Work has been nightmarish. I find dealing with the inpatient cases virtually an impossible task. And I'm still praying hard for a relief from this difficulty.



Behind the nightmare though, I have learnt to reflect on this lifestyle that I've been thrust into -- this crazy, capitalist, slogging system that's made me feel more like a machine than a human being.

And I have decided on a few goals, one of which is: to make a 3-day work week a reality in a few years' time. Regardless of my marital status, the number of children I have or not, I am quitting this nutty system, and will strive to live by my own terms; for my sanity, for my health and psychological well-being, and for my social, intellectual and spiritual growth. I have decided a life that has me only seeing the night sky when I'm in my house has no value -- I find I cannot read, I cannot further my understanding of the numerous mysteries of this world, I cannot learn what is truly of value to me, and I cannot really enjoy social relationships. It appears that to keep subscribing to this hamster-wheel of a system, one must cease to be a thinking person, and feel satisfied with the mundanity of everyday drudge. And I have been feeling like a suffocated creature over this past year.

So, a 3-day work week is an attempt to take more control of my life. I cannot live shackled to the capitalist system; either I exit, or it kills me, I feel -- sorry for being melodramatic.

And it's not like I'm the first person to declare quits -- I actually feel it's a rising trend; I've heard stories of young families (with children, mind you!), whose only breadwinner is the husband who works only ~3 days in the week, and makes quality of life a priority. And the couple goes for coffee dates on weekday afternoons?! What the frak. Kill me now, I want a life like that right this instant if possible. And no, they are not business tycoons who lord over their employees and are actually earning big bucks -- they are educated, typical Singaporeans with run-of-the-mill careers (i.e. teachers, behavioural therapists) who have decided to value life more than the race. And if it's me, I will homeschool my kids, damn it, because I want them to learn to cherish life too.

It is possible, some day, if not right this minute (because of my bond). And oh God, help me make it happen. I want to live serving You, not this bloody economic system.


See? -- other more prominent persons have been proposing similar ideas:

While feeling in control and working fewer hours may seem like distinct issues, they are fundamentally connected. When we own more of our time, we feel like we’re in charge of our lives and our schedules, which makes us happier and, ultimately, better at what we do. Our health and happiness also increases in the course of our lifetimes and, with it, our value to the workplace and to society as a whole. Additionally, we may finally recover from chronic sleep deprivation, which is one of the greatest health hazards currently facing the average employee. Sleep quality, in turn, translates to better cognition, clearer thinking, and increased productivity. Instead of the usual vicious circle, we get a virtuous one.

-- Why not a three-day week? by Maria Konnikova

Subhanallah, this year is tough, and is still going tough.

I feel almost physically pressured by life's demands and expectations -- and I've been resorting to all sorts of duas for relief.





Insya Allah, I will come out of this better and stronger than before. And I will blog again on a better note!

(Currently, it is clear -- stress is truly damaging to creativity and free expression.)