heart.

How much we love what comforts us in difficult times.

---

Every Singaporean is sort of up in arms about this whole population projection of 6.9 million on our tiny island, no? I am exhausted with our pace of life, our packed roads and overcrowded public transport. Surely, we can afford to slow down? Why this sprinting forever and ever and ever? PAP will reason in parrot style: for the sake of economic growth etc etc and competitive edge in a global world etc etc and oh the low fertility rate etc etc -- oh,  please.

I want to believe in greater ideals than prosperity. Economic success can take a back seat. And it's true -- we should lower our standard of living. Seriously, what's the point. My sister and I keep fantasising about living in a corner of the world and growing our own food. Why can't we just live at a sane pace?

Hey, I hear the Aussies get off work at 4.30 on the dot, and everyone goes home to have a life. Why can't we have that? 

PAP -- you want babies? Let Singapore and Singaporeans value life and value people.

Merlin: Show no fear, speak boldly, answer them as their King.

Arthur: I've nothing to worry about, right, I mean, you've had a vision, I'm going to be King, everything's going to be fine. Fate is guaranteed.

Merlin: No.

Arthur: No?

Merlin: If you die, the visions will change. Fate can go begging. Destiny, has to be won.

- Camelot

NwP nostalgia

of characters so heartbreakingly authentic

 It gets it, as in it really gets what high school is all about, that different planet we’ve ALL been to, where the drama and the heightened emotions and the clique wars and the desire for validation and the puppy love and the tortured ruminations matter more than they ever will by the time we’re these Big Old Boring Grownups. 

 An eventful week it has been.

And my God, I miss my classmates so bad, and can't wait to meet up next week. I feel like the moment we see each other, we're all going to go, "Guys!!! It has been so scary!!!" and cry/whine in each other's arms.

---

And here I am on a Saturday, procrastinating on the mugging I have to do -- getting all those developmental milestones in my head, and prepping for cases.

My excuse is that I'm trying to cheer myself up. 

These running man clips for instance, are hilarious: this dance-till-the-sticky-notes-on-you-fall-off never fails to crack me up. We totally should try this some time.

This song is sticking in my brain.

Someone had commented on youtube: This shall be the soundtrack of my life someday! Yes, it's quite lovely. And some day, yes, for me too, if it please God.

My work schedule is starting to crank up and I'll be spending my nights trying to learn new intervention strategies -- for instance, I feel like I'm trying to swallow the entire Hanen program whole (i.e. an early intervention program for pre-verbal children) -- before the next day dawns and I have to see children who can't yet say words, and I'm supposed to figure out how to help make them say words. If only I could download stuff into my brain like I do stuff into my thumbdrive.

Despite these supposed demands on my limited resources, the little-fangirl-in-me-that-lives-on-regardless is craving for something, because I feel like it's been some time since I've been into a good story. And my favourite fangirly-blogger has recommended a british tv show (yay for BBC!) called The Pillars of Earth (from the original book by Ken Follett), and man, I want to watch -- but oh god, I'm also trying to become an awesome therapist at the same time. God, remind me of my priorities.

Anyway, this is totally my cup of tea already because a) it is historical fiction, b) it is set in the 12th century, and c) apparently, there is an OTP.

Like my clients, maybe I will reward myself when I am good and achieve my goals.

Happy Maulid-ur Rasul!

All this non-stop rain -- must be blessings from above. It's been a blessed weekend and will be a blessed week, insya Allah. :) Also, today was the first of many many weddings this year. I can't even count, cause doing that will freak me out more. Every time I get an invitation, my mind scrambles around to check that I'll have company to go with.

That aside, Bismillah! for tomorrow. I'm officially seeing my own clients and am both scared out of my wits, and excited.

Every day is a struggle for a better self.

When I have a book on my mind, I have to go after it. It's like a craving. O.O

And KKH has a rental bookstore! It's tiny but I already spotted piles of Philippa Gregory, and that historical novel about Thomas Cromwell called Wolf Hall.

The Lizzie Bennet Diaries

These are so fun and cute and entertaining! 

They are fictional video blogs of a modern Elizabeth Bennet, and all her adventures as it happens in Austen's Pride and Prejudice. I tell you there is no end to the P&P obsession. 

We've already seen Bing Lee, when will Darcy finally appear!

---


Here it is - the Darcy/Lizzie confrontation! No P&P adaptation is complete without this scene.

this! totally how I create my own headaches.

a good day

There was a miracle today that should be recorded.

I found out today that I can wear my tudung to work!

Apparently, they'd just changed the policy only about a month back -- I had no idea, was resigned to the ridiculous, archaic, hospital policy, and was ready to figure out long-term strategies on how to find a way to fulfill my religious obligations in a secular environment, with options like going to the possible future Speaker of Parliament, Halimah Yaacob, for support. I'd known two years ago when I accepted their sponsorship, that I had to adhere to the department uniform. They gave me clear, repeated reminders about it too. So over the two years, my darling Muslim classmates worried with me, and we charted out plans. Khai told me how hospital staff attempted to fight for it before, except they never succeeded, but that I should try anyway. It seemed difficult and thorny, and all I prayed for was ease, somehow. And I remember thinking, God, only You know how it breaks my heart to do this.

So imagine how stunned I was this morning when the HR lady saw my photo, saw me, and was like, Hey! You know you can wear tudung! It's all right now! I was seriously happily stunned.

Khai was so cute and gets how this was such a big thing for me.

Alhamdulillah. and Masha Allah. :) It is true that Allah makes easy for the slave what He wishes.

---

Do you know, Philippa, what an unsuitable match is? It isn't the kind I shall have with Catherine d'Albon, or even the kind you will make with young Allendale. When one human being is trapped in the net of another's grand passion: then it comes about; and it is tragedy. It happened to Gavin and Sybilla. It is happening to Jerott and Marthe...

--Checkmate, Dorothy Dunnett

I read Lymond with older eyes now, and the more I see it, the more melodramatic I realise Francis was. What was that except a whole load of fear, and cowardly assumptions about Philippa's affections; he thought her love could never be comparable to his? Philippa, of course, initially could not understand him and insisted, you are not always right. Please listen. Please think. Are you sure, when it matters so much, that you know my feelings better than I do? And then it follows their famous exchange:

No, I'm not infallible. You might, without my crediting it, fall deeply in love and for ever, with some warped hunchback whelped in the gutter. I should equally stop you from taking him.

God in heaven, Do you think that I care?

I know you don't, But you must excuse the hunchback who does.

Francis pretty much admits here that he's scared! Except he says it in such pretty prose. It's ridiculous. Can someone be too smart that they become stupid? If he'd been less drama about it, Philippa might not have ended up doing crazy things which led to more real complications!

deja vu

It's a familiar scene right now, from years ago, when me and Jean used to slump over a study bench in RJ -- apparently, things don't change. She's still studying and we're still at a bench, just not in a school. I don't know if this is a happy event or not, but it's certainly comforting. If this girl (sorry, I mean, woman because she's far too sophisticated and wise now) had only told me that she had wanted to mug for a doctor test, I would have brought my ST books along as well, instead of pointlessly blogging.

So anyway, having a chat with this old friend, although short because she declared a study time-out, has been refreshing, and suddenly, I'm seeing some things a little clearer. It's strange, how sometimes, retracing our steps or returning to a comfortable place makes you realize things or go, Yar, why didn't I see that. Maybe when you're with someone from a previous life, you recall how you used to see the world.

I used to always think, God, let me redo that again, I think I can do it better this time, and had like a list of regrets (clearly, this was not a healthy habit for an adolescent on the edge of adulthood). I'm feeling a little like that now, but not so anguished like my old teen self. Just a little regretful, and wishing, I can just show how much better I am, now that I'm grown. Like Marx said while we chatted with him on our holiday, Why are we so stupid when we're young?

Jean is going to ask me to test her on hypertension or whatnot in a moment so I shall stop being unnecessarily emo now.

Before I forget, Alhamdulillah. Thank You for this Saturday morning.

On nights like this, I miss you extra, Mini. :'(

---

My sister just said to me, "Hey, you should watch What's Eating Gilbert Grape? since you're watching cacat stuffs."

!!! O.O

But okay, I'll go get that movie.

A happy new year to you. (:

Okay, 2013, here we go!

---

I watched  Lars and The Real Girl (properly this time round cause I'd only seen little snippets of it) after reading about it in a book called The Autism Matrix.

This scene is so cute! Actually, the whole feel of the film is sweet and touching, 

and Ryan Gosling is just all kinds of amazing.