it's now a yearly thing?

So yes, it's been a year; and I shan't over-analyse for now.

I recently finished a little memoir by a little old lady in Japan called "Happy On Her Own At 102" by Tetsuyo Ichii. (I recently learnt she's still living, now aged 106!) It's so lovely and heartwarming, and makes me think about how the simple things are what make happiness. The waking up every day and doing the necessary hard work of life, the meeting and caring for the people we love, and going to sleep with a grateful heart. She writes these simple descriptive diary entries in her 102nd year of life -- and I guess it inspired me to just come back and write again. It doesn't have to be amazing every day; but you just have to turn up and report. (Here is me reporting for 2026.)

"Today is Setsubun. In this festival, you throw as many beans as years you've lived, but look how many I've got! Both my hands are full. It reminds me that I've hit the milestone of one hundred. When I think of each year of my life as a little bean, those years seem so lovable."

"I think it was after I turned eighty that I started to let go of the things that were only taking up unnecessary space in my brain by me worrying about them. Yes, I started to give up a lot faster than I used to, but that's not a bad thing. If someone spoke badly of me, I would simply feel a bit sorry for them. If someone only ever boasted and bragged, then I would simply let them be. I decided to put a lid on that ever-jealous part of my heart and instead put that energy into complimenting people. They are them and I am me. It is no surprise that there are differences. I decided that living a happy life would be satisfaction enough."

In other fangirling news, I was reading fics (can you believe it! I stumbled upon some decent ones) of the insanely-popular cdrama, The Pursuit of Jade, and I pondered upon something. 

[SPOILER ALERT!]

I really get it why Chang Yu was so insanely mad to find out that Yan Zheng was the Marquis. It was more than that he had been lying the whole time; she said later on as well that she understood why he lied. It was that the future she had painted with this man was gone, even if the man was still there, and was offering apologies, his true self, and supposedly something more. 

I had a moment of epiphany about it. She was so happy to have Yan Zheng in Lin'an with her, and she had figured out about how things would work -- like okay, he could write his calligraphy stuff for money sometimes, and she would sell pigs for the daily, and she had started up Yixiang restaurant as well. Life was getting better for her and it was good. She had learnt to love this man and accept him, and would go to the ends of the earth to keep him safe, and then he pulls the rug under her and tells her, WHAT: I am so-and-so important person and have to lead this battle, I'm so sorry, I live in court and you would be the marchioness, will you love me just the same. I too would be so irrationally angry in the moment and throw the proposal back in his (gorgeous) face, haha.

I was reflecting how much if you're a planner of things, like you're always already anticipating how things should be and thought through things five steps ahead, throwing such a curveball just... messes up the plan and makes you want to scream. And here I always took myself as a drifter, go-with-the-flow sort of person; but as E used to say rightly enough for the both of us, we are more optimistic, and strangely enough in some ways, more practical, than we think. I have insane ideals that's survived to my maturity, but at the same time, I force myself before it can hit me in the face fully, to confront my practical realities. (In fact, I could say, that most of my internal agonies is from simulating scenarios wherein ideals and realities come to a head.) I do know what my general next steps in life would be.

My point being, yes, I would be irrational and get angry (at least for a time) even if someone gave me an alternate better pathway that I would actually like. It is ego at some level, and I say, give it some time. It's like, my brain put so much work into this! Give it some time as I learn to let go and embrace a new path. Just like Chang Yu who obviously warmed up to the idea of Xie Zheng, and became a general herself, on top of everything. Just a reminder for myself... to hold the rein of life loosely. I don't write the story, I live it. As they say, the plot twists God gives you may be better than the dreams you imagine.

Anyway, here's the OTP that has captured the hearts of women the world over; I haven't had an OTP I rooted for this much in so long. Chemistry is off the walls.

continuing on the topic of jdramas: this show broke my heart... then mended it all over again. 

(if you're intending to watch First Love, there are spoilers here!) 

The story is partly inspired by Utada Hikaru's First Love -- and now I'm binging her music as well.

I feel a little too old to fangirl, but, goodness, I can't hold back, this drama was a gorgeous masterpiece.  I can't believe I slept on this for so long. I feel like it's been eons since I enjoyed a Japanese romance. This was so good, I cried so many times through this story, and at the end, I wanted to keep this ship in my pocket.

Takeru Satoh and our leading lady, Mitsushima Hikari (I hadn't known her before), were just phenomenal. This is the best romance Takeru Satoh has ever done (despite my being biased for Inoue Mao in Why didn't I tell you a million times?). The flashbacks, and the slow revelation of the details in their relationship, were exquisitely done -- like at first, I was just utterly confused why they weren't still together if they adored each other this much, and why she seems more oblivious of the two. Until we find out the cruel circumstances of life.

Oh my gosh I want to alternately cry and gush over this. And kudos to this lady director -- the cinematography! The snow, blue, and green scenes of Hokkaido, and then the final set-up in Iceland. So, so beautiful. The story, the views, the couples.

where do dreams go to die?

 at the risk of sounding melodramatic.

Once again, I've let my writing lapse. It's been longer than it should. And I've finally circled back, I think because I've been binge-watching anything Takeru-Satoh-related (post a Rurouni Kenshin rewatch) and inadvertently worked through a series of tear-jerking jdramas, that's made me get into a mood; a reflective, quiet mood. Jdramas really do this well. Even the cheesy manga-esque rom-coms have moments where you're made to pause or still and look inwards.

I've been bawling over some stories recently, and it's finally made me feel the impulse to come back here. Then I read a couple of my past entries, and started tearing up... Just. 

The loss of idealism as time went on.

political relationships

What is everything but just relationships.

When something goes well at work, it's because I've made someone happy; or I've been made happy. Parents feel good, I feel good. The kid feels good, he's talking, I feel good. My colleagues feel good at therapy team meeting, they do good work, I feel good, I feel like I'm doing my job, my boss feels good. I have good partnerships with external parties and persons, they do good work for me, I feel good and get good work done too. Rather than being purely a 'good' worker, isn't it really about being good with each other? I've seen supposed good clinicians fared not so good in the organisation for not being good with people. (And isn't that a shocking observation; my early assumption was that therapists are essentially people-persons.) Don't take emotional intelligence and spiritual intelligence for granted. They aren't taught, but they're necessary.

And aren't relationships governing even world politics? Who's chummy with whom defines sides and finance and weapons support. It's all relationships. And if relationships affect power and effectiveness and success, then relationships can be, and are, politics. What was it Aristotle said? "The human is a political animal." Or something like that.

Is part of my trouble wanting relationships to be apolitical? 

But apparently even I know how to play it when I want to.

Something I read in the book Architecture of Happiness by Alain de Botton kept running through my mind today. That one of the principles of beauty in architecture was about the balance of chaos and order. That a straight line of buildings would be boring; but a straight line of buildings each with its own bursting colour and style would be a sight to behold.

A constant theme in my life is the struggle to maintain my chaos within the boundaries of order. Thankfully, I was born into an orderly family, and an orderly society (Singapore's national mental illness is apparently OCD), and a religion that provides a lot of order and structure. So my chaos has been successfully managed in most instances by these external factors. But I've realised that I've barely learnt to manage my own chaos on a personal level. Everything is often spilling over at the edges; often just on the border of not being sane; messy, disorganised, messy. Sometimes I do wonder if I have some version of high-functioning ADHD perhaps (as one of my close colleagues discovered in adulthood).

Anyway, my point being, order for all this chaos; that's the key.

hometown and the feelings triggered

Obviously my monthly writing arrangement did not materialise. I had half a mind to start writing monthly chapter reviews of this book I'd heard people talk about called, "Writing To Learn" -- but in between my other reading obligations and pleasures, that never happened either. (Or yet.)

I was on a binge rewatch of Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha today (prompted by Datin S and her brother rewatching it for the umpteenth time!); and in the midst of Hong Du Sik stuttering in front of Hye Jin about not knowing who he really was, I was struck by a wave of emotion. 

This round of watching has me appreciating Du Sik even more; not that we didn't already love him from the get-go, perfect boyfriend that he was. But I appreciated his backstory more now -- about wanting to run away back to his hometown and living this... other life. About making things simple and paring it down to a manageable day-to-day and a manageable network of people. I just... related so much to it suddenly. Granted he had fears he did not want to confront, but the essence was the same.

You return to this idyllic, dreamy place where all your roots are, and where your heart can rest. And that's what Du Sik did, and Hye Jin subconsciously did, and what we all simulate as we watch this show. The charm of Hometown is taking you away to this dreamy ideal; and then... you wonder, is this you, or the one you left behind you? Like Du Sik: is he the capable handy man and chief of the village, or the smart, high-flying SNU graduate climbing the corporate ladder? Of course, these two appear like opposite extremes, and life does not necessitate you choosing only one option... but I think it does remain a question, and a choice in some manner.

Truth be told, Du Sik reminds me of E (and Hye Jin reminds me of YJ -- but that's a different topic): in that each is capable of virtually anything if they wanted to, but they choose what seems perplexing to others. How was it Hye Jin described it -- a waste of good resources? I personally find it awesome. When else can you use your smarts for awesome things like making a boat or a house or enjoying the sea and the waves.

The seaside town of Gongjin reminds me of my trip to Udo Island (off Jeju) with E last year. I think Korean small towns (and perhaps islands) have this classic look: simple roads along the rocky coasts, simple cafes, and a lighthouse. There's also a roughness with the people, but at the same time, a familiarity? A chumminess and ease maybe.

Anyway, this show is hitting a little different; I've been feeling even more the urge to pause and settle in a small town haha, and awaaaaay from all the things tugging at me. I mentioned to L that maybe I'm reaching a mild burnout. And need deep rest. Not a weekend, not even a month-long holiday. But a quiet year or something, away from everything. Ah well, I can dream. And brainstorm on the real possibilities.

In the meantime, this beautiful song again, "Here Always":

And this funny compilation hahaha

the end of a pause

Ola!

I made a pact with myself to resume writing, after the inadvertent hiatus that was last year. This blog, except for the year 2023, has witnessed my life since my early teens. And now, I am back...

Because I believe I should write. Writing has served me, and while my life has changed and I can't quite enter the same writing rituals I was used to, I feel like... my soul needs this space. I need to start articulating again, beyond book club, haha. Book Club has grown quite admirably, and I have consistently used it, subconsciously or not, as the space for the expression of some of my inner life. But this blog: was the template. The haven for it. And I feel almost indebted, obligated, to come back.

So here is a first step, to the next segment of life. I'm not sure how my format will change, if at all. I might be more structured with my writing than I ever was previously, by necessity: so it's likely I will do a regular monthly posting (unless it strikes my fancy to slot in something in between). I'm not sure if I should speak on a theme, or let it free flow. I suppose I'll figure it out as we go along.

Ja!

I just finished a long appraisal discussion with some psychologists, reflecting on the year, and I am feeling pensive. This is a good time as any to post the requisite annual end-year reflection post, whilst I am in the mood.

I am feeling somewhat slightly more balanced than the morning, when I woke up. I've been mulling, in and out of emotional troughs, that maybe, I've been looking at the question all wrong. I feel like an internal perspective shift is happening, but happening at a creakily slow pace, with the accompanying resistance and squeaks. That's how I feel this end of the year. I also feel the adage is true: life does not necessarily get easier, but that you get better at it the longer you do it. And that makes life better (if I make sense).

I just feel like posting a random cute picture here.

So, in summary, I still feel confused and pained and excited and disappointed and curious and sad and hopeful and afraid... but processing everything in a disarmingly calm manner. I wonder if I am in danger of only observing the world and making commentary of it.

Happy 2023, and may the answers come to me in miraculous ways, insyAllah.

 I disrupt my admin work to post this beautiful thing here. 

It's been a while since I've posted something BTS.

This is why I've always loved Namjoon and why BTS is as awesome as they are; 

the way he just brings poetry across...

and always talking about being real, and authentic, and wanting to get to the depths of things.

💜

Kamikochi means 'where Gods descend'

Checking in to share that Kamikochi was awesome, and I'll likely want to keep revisiting this place sporadically throughout my life. Of course, we visited some other places in Japan (two new spots for me! i.e. Nara and Kawagoe) but a crazy amount of photos were collected around the River Azusa alone, haha.

It was freezing cold, though frost from overnight was melting.

We trekked from Kappabashi to Myojin Pond (and back around), whilst gushing on the beauty of everything the whole time.

We basically stayed one whole day in Kamikochi...

And ended the evening with piping hot udon (tenpura and fish broth!) 

at Yoshimoto, Hirayu Onsen (en route on our bus journey back).

The perfect dinner to wrap up a gorgeous day.

6PM is basically pitch black in the Hida mountains in November, and we huddled back to our ryokan, Kazeya, from our 'Totoro' bus stop in the dark.

At this rate, I'd offer anyone company to visit Japan. Mata ne!

I wanted to post before October ended. It looks like a monthly frequency may be what I can keep up with these days.

Recently, there was this:

which made me all kinds of happy. Long walks have been a little part of my life now, and this just gave me extra validation. Also, Datin S and I are aiming for a nice little trek around Kamikochi in a week's time, and I am psychedddd. I hope the weather holds up and is beautiful, to match what should be the beautiful landscape I remember. 

that's why I shine like this

This book has been such a wonderful balm. Absolutely adore it, and it's legitimately made me appreciate red bean. I actually looked up how to make red bean, and I found a couple of dorayaki options to try out from Chateraise. There was one with cream cheese and adzuki (totally bull-dozing through my dairy restrictions) that was soooo delicious.

I don't want to disappoint you, but Toku herself said at the time that she couldn't actually hear the voice of beans. But if you live in the belief that they can be heard, then someday you might be able to hear them. She said that was the only way for us to live, to be like the poets. That's what she said. If all you ever see is reality, you just want to die. The only way to get over barriers, she said, is to live in the spirit of already being over them.

💜

I cried ridiculously at several points. And some parts really stunned me, because it emphasised again this whole... witnessing thing, that is life. When I was small, I used to wonder what the big deal was about witnessing -- because our syahadah, the declaration of belief in Islam, translates literally to, "I bear witness that there is no God but God and Muhammad is the messenger of God." Like why does it have to be a testimony, you know? The first time I got struck by a thought on this, was when we were learning about electrons (haha) in a basic physics module at university, and realising that electrons decided to present as a particle or wave depending on the observer, which is a mind boggling concept by itself. But I was like, wait, one of the most basic units of matter requires a witness and observer to come into practical existence? What. My tiny brain could not make the full connection between things, but just contemplating the possibility of it blew my mind sufficiently.

This story about Sweet Bean Paste, while fully from a secular philosophical perspective, demonstrated how the essence of life is in witnessing the present moment, and that in itself is sufficient. Life does not require some sort of length and successful trajectory to have meaning. It does not need to be lauded or even to be necessarily loved by others. It just needs to be, and to witness.

I began to understand that 

we were born in order to see and listen to the world. 

And that's all this world wants of us. 

It doesn't matter that I was never a teacher 

or a member of the workforce, 

my life had meaning.

I despised men who accepted their fate. I shaped mine twenty times and had it broken twenty times in my hands. 

~ Lymond, Game of Kings 

deep, and deeper than the ocean

It's been a while, and after a number of failed drafts, I decided not to have another one.

Does maturity equate to fewer words? Perhaps. I feel like when I have thoughts, everything gets weighted more, towards every angle, so eventually... what is worth sharing and actually expressing becomes... more narrow and concise. Or maybe, there just isn't a point to rambling about the mundane anymore, when you've lived out more years of your life.

I had recently purchased boxes of conversation starters, for fun, and also because we started self-care days for my therapy team at work and we could use them for our team-bonding segments (which went awesomely, I have to say). Anyway, I figure they can also serve as topic starters for my blog posts, especially for the times exhaustion hinders inspiration (such as now). There's a Muslim Reflection Deck, that I'll just randomly pick from:

Prompt 142: What has been your greatest test so far and did it draw you closer or further away from Allah?

My first response to this was: NO. Haha, that's far too private for me to share to the open internet, not to mention that I have all sorts of negative feelings of... guilt and sadness around whether I have become a better person or worse off than before. This question presumes too much; I don't think I have much of a capacity to even tell when I am being tested. Sometimes we are tested with good too, and we don't know, right? Or we're heedless.

Next!

Prompt 12: What key things stop you from becoming closer to others around you?

Despite the years of consuming Brene Brown content, I find it hard to be vulnerable, although I suppose... we all do at some level. And I am very hesitant to ask or impose on others, fearing that I would overstep their boundaries. Which is why I am always fascinated by some of my more extroverted friends who often do not think twice to ask or pry or find things out about other people. I have often reflected that this was likely born out of being the eldest girl of my siblings; of being asked to fend for my self and not need adult help (or any help); not to make trouble or create trouble or add to trouble. To be good... was to be self-sufficient. That was probably one of my biggest subconscious lessons from my childhood. And something I have to continuously unlearn and rewire.

On a less heavy note, I am probably too geeky about things to connect readily with others. I don't get too excited about 'normal' things, and fangirl excessively about niche topics. And because I perceive this otherness of myself, it just adds another barrier between me and the world. In worse times, I have often felt alien but thank goodness, managed to commiserate in my alien-ness with at least E, who I feel has similar levels of caution around boundaries. E and I get along splendidly because we both have, I suppose... an understanding of that necessary self-reliance and independence, as well as the ensuing quiet consideration for the personal space that entails. I remember when were in that insanely tiny hostel on Cockburn Street in Edinburgh years ago, and I marveled a little at how we just knew how to give each other space, almost intuitively, without speaking. And perhaps because we each felt our spaces were respected in this friendship, we then allowed each other in more readily...?

So maybe, I don't know, it's about getting to a place where you understand each other's spaces, eh? Getting along with people is understanding what their personal spaces entail and maybe how to respect it, but for me, to know when to knock on others' doors less hesitantly, and open mine too.

Feeling like I've been failing today (work-wise), and annoyed that I am in a management role, which strangely enough, has been something throughout my entire adult working life before this, I have said I'm not suited for nor aimed for (always claiming I like the actual clinical work, and I like research and knowledge-based pursuits), and yet here I am. And even stranger to me, I don't actually hate it that much, nor feel I am badly suited to it. Which leaves me in an unprecedented, weird, limbo-like space. Afloat, annoyed, torn in different directions.

I have learnt, and continue to learn, to give myself space. That part of making it work, is not having it perfect. There will always be good days, bad days, and everything in between. Days when I let myself down, days to push myself, days to curse, and days to celebrate. I kind of had this corroborated whilst reading "What My Bones Know", by Stephanie Foo; a book about healing trauma and just... learning to live life.

"A healthy heart doesn't pump at the same rate all the time. That would actually be a really unhealthy heart. The healthiest hearts are adaptable, and the quicker they adapt, the better. When you start running, your heart should ideally speed up quickly. It's the same for your emotions. When something really tragic happens, it would be weird if you were still happy, right? Or if you just sat there with no reaction. When something tragic happens, you should be there with that pain, feeling that sadness. When something unjust happens, you should feel how aggravating it is. And then, after you've sat with those feeling for the appropriate amount of time - and it could be an hour, or a day, or months, depending on the severity of what happened - then, you can go back to a state of rest. Or joy. Or whatever. Being healed isn't about feeling nothing. Being healed is about feeling the appropriate emotions at the appropriate times and still being able to come back to yourself. That's just life."

With Him are the keys of the Unseen;

    none knows them but He.

He knows what is in land and sea;

not a leaf falls, but He knows it.

Not a grain in the earth's shadows,

not a thing, fresh or withered,

but it is in a Book Manifest.

                                    ~ 6:59, The Koran

💙

Just a reminder for my self.

I've been trying to do more and to believe more, without always needing to understand.

Selamat Hari Raya!

 I feel like I finally have a breather or something. In a really good way. I had taken long leave (in other words, more than a few days in a row), stretching from my birthday and ending a week after the first day of raya. And with the lifting of restrictions, it's a little bit of a revenge enjoyment, I think. So it's been... quite a period of high adrenaline, and I just couldn't get into the mood to pen anything down. 

I have some photos ready for a dump here. (with a clear bias for my nieces and nephew)

One of the birthday cakes I had! (and after too much of celebrations and cake, I've been told to stay off gluten for my anti-inflammatory needs. It's been a struggle, with kuih raya literally laid out in front of me on a daily basis.)

this little cutie pie is always moving too fast to be captured in a decent pose.

this is one of the best things I got on my birthday, hehe. I do love my chilli.

on raya morning, after braving the crowd at the mosque (happy crowd!), we went to get ice and there were only these two packs left. my dad almost tipped over into the box trying to extricate them from the bottom of the icebox. but we couldn't and left without ice, haha.

this photo is a bit out of chronological order -- this was from early in Ramadhan when some of us did charity house cleaning and I legit painted on walls for the first time in my life, hahah. exhausting but fun (and rewarding and eye-opening).

this was from the one and only outdoor iftar, that was initially meant to be a bookclub one, but became a one-on-one sharing. enjoyable nonetheless.

official graduation ceremony from Arabic class! my Arabic is passable; I can use it to save my life, but no, don't expect me to speak to you. When occasional middle easterners look at me and my name and ask, "Takkalam arabi?", I say, "LAA. Ingliziyy, min fadlik." ahah.

---

On an entirely separate note, I'm quite ecstatic that Shaykh Hamza is currently discussing Sense and Sensibility at his book club. I suddenly find myself absolutely in adoration of Elinor Dashwood. Love love love her. I had vaguely watched the movie and read parts of the book in my much younger days, but this time round, as a full-blown mature adult, I finally do get this story, and love her so much. And when played by Emma Thompson (with her own written script!), even better.

this is one of my two favourite scenes from the movie; the depiction of Elinor as all honour and duty and goodness and rightness, and people thinking she must be without heart. Shut up all you idiots, I say.

Shaykh Hamza said that if Marianne were from our time, she would certainly have purple hair, a nose ring, and tattoos all over her body, hahaha. I've also just learnt that there is a newer 2008 movie adaptation, with Dan Stevens as Edward Ferrers (yessssss, hehe), although I absolutely love Hugh Grant's hilarious but perfect awkwardness as Edward.

 Kindness is a mark of faith, and whoever is not kind has no faith. ~ Rasulullah s.a.w.

On not-so-good days, sometimes simple basic truths like this, are very comforting.

Happy Ramadhan!

I've been feeling a peaceful melancholy lately, brought on partly by discovering that this kind of aesthetic (totally up my alley) exists on youtube:

And also rediscovering Corrine Bailey Rae's amazing song,

that just gets me in a mood:

Girl, put your records on

Tell me your favourite song

You go ahead let your hair down

Sapphire and faded jeans

I hope you get your dreams

Just go ahead let your hair down

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow...

Personal goals: 

- create quiet moments that are mindful and beautiful, on a fairly regular basis. be happy with my protagonist self. believe in my happy ending! though insyallah, my life is a long story yet.

- read some Quraan this Ramadhan and re-commit some to memory for ad-hoc situations I find myself having to read out loud. (like leading a prayer of ladies at home) I used to be good at this as a child.

 Awaiting the release of the finale season for The Last Kingdom! 

To say I love this show is an understatement. I feel simultaneously excited and sad that it is ending.

I've said it many times, and I shall say it again: I absolutely love hero stories. And Uhtred is almost ridiculously awesome.

Also, love Uhtred's band of men! Finan is especially hilarious.

Uhtred tells his despondent men after yet again choosing the harder, more honourable path: I know you think we have given up untold wealth and status... But we have something greater than that.

Finan: Pleeeease do not say our friendship.

HAHAHA, I almost died. XD

(Up at an ungodly hour in front of the tv and in front of the computer, eeeesh, S.)