Feeling like I've been failing today (work-wise), and annoyed that I am in a management role, which strangely enough, has been something throughout my entire adult working life before this, I have said I'm not suited for nor aimed for (always claiming I like the actual clinical work, and I like research and knowledge-based pursuits), and yet here I am. And even stranger to me, I don't actually hate it that much, nor feel I am badly suited to it. Which leaves me in an unprecedented, weird, limbo-like space. Afloat, annoyed, torn in different directions.
I have learnt, and continue to learn, to give myself space. That part of making it work, is not having it perfect. There will always be good days, bad days, and everything in between. Days when I let myself down, days to push myself, days to curse, and days to celebrate. I kind of had this corroborated whilst reading "What My Bones Know", by Stephanie Foo; a book about healing trauma and just... learning to live life.
"A healthy heart doesn't pump at the same rate all the time. That would actually be a really unhealthy heart. The healthiest hearts are adaptable, and the quicker they adapt, the better. When you start running, your heart should ideally speed up quickly. It's the same for your emotions. When something really tragic happens, it would be weird if you were still happy, right? Or if you just sat there with no reaction. When something tragic happens, you should be there with that pain, feeling that sadness. When something unjust happens, you should feel how aggravating it is. And then, after you've sat with those feeling for the appropriate amount of time - and it could be an hour, or a day, or months, depending on the severity of what happened - then, you can go back to a state of rest. Or joy. Or whatever. Being healed isn't about feeling nothing. Being healed is about feeling the appropriate emotions at the appropriate times and still being able to come back to yourself. That's just life."
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