I had dinner out with K tonight, a friend I hadn't seen and sat down with for quite a while (the busy lives we live as an excuse). And I don't know, some part of me from the past came back, maybe, in a mostly good way... I just felt a different exuberance when I got home. And then felt the urge to write. Which is something obviously I have left behind for a while.
It's not like it's been a year since my last post (it's only last month); but it is certainly far longer than that since I have had the process of just sitting and writing -- people seem to think the writing of a short post or long post or however length of writing it is, is just a quick typing out of words on a screen. It is emphatically not. It is a stewing, a brewing (haha), a long communion of some sort with my inner thoughts until at some point I feel properly satisfied with the authenticity of what I wish to convey within any moment in time. And the reality is, this takes times; lots and lots of it. I used to spend hours and hours rereading what I wrote, rereading what I read, thinking over what I thought until some level of catharsis is fulfilled. And the reality is? Obviously this is a luxury. But perhaps it is also at some level a necessity?
I don't know. (A necessity because... this is me. This is necessarily me and how I've been routed round to this point in my life.)
My doing this now feels like some sort of revitalization inside me, like a rediscovery of some part of myself that had always truly served me. And this seemingly circular process brings to my mind the nature of... reality? time? fate? (And currently I am obviously utterly influenced by the 12 Monkeys tv show which is absolutely gripping with its insane time-travel concepts.) It's just... I've been contemplating how true it is, that we create the very problems we attempt to solve; that as you go through life, and pay attention to the subtle details, you realize there are patterns that you are living out and perhaps, the beauty of life is when you catch a glimpse of how the dots connect. And that then proves the existence of something even more beautifully organized and planned.
To put in simpler layman terms, people would say: God has a plan for you. You can roll your eyes at the cliche if you're not spiritually-inclined, but what a beauty it is to catch moments when there seems to be something manifestly greater.
It's like that line scattered repeatedly throughout the Symbol and Archetype book that I'm currently chewing on:
I was a Hidden Treasure, and I loved to be known,
so I created the world.
Help me pay attention to the details.
Help me see things as they are.
Help me have faith and trust when I can't see.
I sometimes really wish I talked more about my outer life as much as my inner one, because we do both, don't we. But I'm so inwardly focused, I forget to balance it out. In real earth-life today, in addition to running around SG serving therapy cases, I placed my foot into a shoe that contained a cockroach -- (let your horror and disgust sink in). This was a historical moment for me, I'm sure. I am surprised I didn't react more violently; but I did remain barefooted under a block of flats in Bukit Merah knocking my shoe repeatedly long after the roach had left it, shuddering at the thought that my skin made contact. The funny bit was, I was torn between processing the reality that it really didn't feel all that bad and the horrifying thought that I had made contact with it to begin with. Something in the mind often becomes amplified a hundred times than the earthly version of it. It's scarier in your head, nicer in your head, more beautiful, more awesome; and we wonder what's real. (And I don't mean this sarcastically.)
If one refers to Plato's realism, or perhaps Islamic mysticism (I've yet to truly delve into this), all earthly representations are merely reflections of the bigger and greater Real. So the ability to perceive beauty in something mundane, and feeling overawed by it, is you connecting with a true beauty in the cosmos, or the Ultimate Beauty (i.e. God again). To be felled over by the beauty of a landscape or even a person, or to be severely repelled by a crime, is a reflection of our responses to the bigger abstractions of Beauty and Evil.
Okay I shall say goodnight now before I keep spiraling down this rabbithole.
Why do I do this, haha. I will confuse myself and I will confuse you.
Oyasumi!
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