unmei ka...

this is making me feel all kinds of notstalgia and old-school fangirling -- 

it's Kame's and Yamapi's drama together, guys! since the legendary Nobuta.

and I'm thinking Yamapi should just stick to weirdo, quirky roles; it works for him.

(I'm sorry, Pi, as much as I was infatuated with you, 

nothing since Akira has worked that well with you.)

Let's rewind 12 years! guhhhhh, look at these two then.
ohmygod, I loved Nobuta so much
and this scene is seriously ridiculously bizarre and funny.

💜  Shuji to Akira and chibi-Yuuto 

(omg this tiny cute boy is super-grown now; I've seen him in HeySayJump stuff) 

the Kame-Yamapi dynamic is so reminiscent of Shuji to Akira, 

I am struggling not to squeal sometimes.

In this drama, Yamapi, just as Akira did with Shuji,
descends into Kame's life, like a whirlwind.

He declares that he is Kami-sama (i.e. God) and turns it upside down,
telling Kame that he should get together with his destined girl already!
or the Earth will end in 30 years.
The shenanigans that ensue, you can just imagine.
It is psycho and hilarious,
and oh my, I have missed the feel of Japanese dramas.

Kdramas have a sheen and a glitz and some are really, really good;
but Jdramas, there's something home-y about them.
Tacky, yet comfortable, and familiar,
real and heart-squeezing;
and oh man, they make me laugh.

I am keeping terribly weird hours i.e. sleeping in the wee hours of the morning,
not that that is anything particularly new;
but I am keeping weird hours and I can amazingly sort of afford to now,
because I am now seeing my clients at my own time and my own target,
which means that I can leave home late(-r than I used to, and what a luxury that is) --
and I'd be lying if I said this isn't pretty much awesome.

The family dining table is now my work table,
where I calculate my kids' assessment scores,
plan sessions, arrange my schedule;
and I only leave the house to visit my kids in their schools.
And other than that -- a few team meetings here and there.

It is awesome. Although it really depends on overall workload at any one time too, I expect, but seriously; this, compared to my life in the hospital? -- is there even a contest here to which is more conducive to my sanity? Just this evening, one of my friends at the hospital was lamenting that she'd only just come down from inpatient training in the wards at 6pm, and still not yet done with documentation, and not left work to pick up her boy, and there I was back at home at 6pm, lounging in my bedroom.

I felt bad for her, and guilty -- which is a strange thing to feel on retrospect, because it's not like it's wrong of me to have taken up this stint. Or that I'm doing lesser work compared to the crazy crap that happens in our hospitals. In fact, I actually think so much effort is going to each individual child, it might, or if I'm truthful it probably will, result in better outcomes for them. But just, you know, the overall impression  or assumption in SG, that if you're not ultra busy and working yourself to the bone, you're not working well enough. It's a trap I'm trying not to let my mind fall into.


And now, after a night of prepping through my cases, I visited youtube to indulge myself, and found this cute and hilarious piece of fanwork --

*claws cheeks from the cuteness of it all*

(here's a link to the actual live footage this was referring to: Let's Speakeu Englishu!)

Been having a nice one week,
meeting with friends,
and enjoying my birthday month.

I have been feeling grateful,
thank You, God.

Thank You for the wonderful people I have around me.
Thank You for the faculties of my mind and body
that enable me to appreciate this world.
Thank You for opportunities and stories
that open my mind and push me to grow.


I thought I had lots more to jot down,
but I think my brain is shutting down earlier than I wish,
so here is some brainless photo-posting
to document these happy times.

with birdieocracy;

when I got a very pretty card

we look the same, mostly, y/n? :P

I wanted to montage this with a photo of the four of us

from almost 15 years ago, but that's too much work at the moment.

and I also received these really cute post-its

that can fold up as private messages

and when I signed off as Vult, in what seems like eons:

A night out with J

-- when I was treated to numerous things

including my guilty pleasure below.

J and I -- for good or bad -- go back a long way.

A day out with E, JW, and MM 

(haha hey I actually like the letter combos here),

when we forgot to take photos despite having dressed up (typical of us!)

-- so I took a photo of my present instead.

Funnily, what's coming to my mind right now,

are the few Quranic verses that I just read tonight;

that I suppose serve as reminder, that despite the

wonders and goods of this life

better still is what awaits after

if you strive.

Fair in the eyes of men is the love of things they covet:

women and sons, heaped up hoards of gold and silver, 

horses branded, and cattle, and well-tilled land.

Such are the possessions of this world's life;

but in nearness to Allah is the best of goals.

Say: Shall I give you glad tidings of things far better than those?

For the righteous are gardens, in nearness to their Lord, 

with rivers flowing beneath; therein is their eternal home;

with companions pure; and the good pleasure of Allah.

For in Allah's sight are His servants --

Those who say: "Our Lord! we have indeed believed.

Forgive us, then, our sins, and save us

from the agony of the Fire."

Those who show patience, firmness, and self-control;

who are true;

who worship devoutly;

who spend;

and who pray for forgiveness

in the early hours of the morning.

-- Surah Aal-i-Imraan, Verses 14 - 17

oh man, this made me laugh!

a fan describes the crazy descent into this fandom.

on other things:

not sure if I'm in a weird phase or state or what,
or if it's because it's April and my birthday is approaching --
but I've been in a generally calm state.
I'm usually a passionate, emotional person.
I respond strongly to a lot of things,
though it may not always appear that way on the outside.
but recently though, whatever life throws at me,
I've been feeling like I can handle it,
I don't feel like a roiling of emotions within anymore.
Alhamdulillah.

Maybe it's my prefrontal cerebral cortex maturing to a 30-year-old me! (:
And if this is what I get as I pass the years on Earth,
Alhamdulillah.

I'm looking forward to more equanimity and peace.

I feel like it'd be a pity if I lose the passions that I have --
and it's not that! I hope not.
I still do feel passionate about a lot of things.
And it's one of those things that is both a gift and a curse,
to be so passionate and emotional, right.
(-- just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon --
hehe, this quote always pops into my head when I ponder about this subject)
I hope I don't lose my ability to feel strongly,
but that I gain the ability to manage it better,
insya Allah!

Ron said, "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode." 

"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have," said Hermione nastily, picking up her quill again.

Kimi No Na Wa (Your Name)

This movie is so cute and lovely!

All I want to do is give it a million hearts

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Something lovely just gets you in the chest, you know.

I wish more love stories could be this innocent and pure.

So I'd ended up watching Wentworth Miller in an Oxford Union interview, because obviously waiting one episode a week for the crazy-suspenseful show that is Prison Break, is pretty much tv-agony.

When he was asked how he came to be so confident and open talking about himself, his past, and his sexuality, what he said struck me:

It's a constant kind of balance between openness and guardedness, confidence and vulnerability. It's not easy, but it reaffirms my sense of what balance is. I used to hear that word and I would think of this kind of like zen-like surrendered state, "Oh I'm balanced now." But what balance is, is more like a tight-rope walker, where you're constantly having to make little adjustments so you don't topple one way or the other. That, to me, is my new working definition of balance, and that allows me to be okay with... "I am speaking, this is my truth; there is beauty in being self-expressed, and it's also terrifying..."



This man is fascinating inside and out.

I struggle with this idea of zen-like balance too -- like sometimes I think, uggggh, why can't I stay in my zen-like surrender (i.e. syukr, gratitude, Islam, submission to God) all the time. It's exhausting trying to stay balanced. But this is the way it is, maybe; that peace and balance is an ideal that you struggle to stay on, as on a tight-rope. That's what life is about; it's not about reaching a zen place and thinking you've succeeded. That zen place doesn't exist. Not in this life, at least.

the colourful internal life of an introvert, y/n?

several things on a Friday night competing for my attention even as I sit by my lonesome at home:

* the Prison Break new season is out! 😄  excitements!!! I have literally been waiting for this for a year. I rewatched the whole of the past 4 seasons early last year and finally, yes, we will know how the genius Michael Scofield survived and whether his son is equally genius/adorable/both.

* a book club meeting tomorrow and not yet finished with the book! and here I am so distracted and not being able to decide whether to continue blogging, watch Prison Break, or finish my book. (S, your priorities have always been whack...)

*

a music video just cause! 💜  I heart them so much.

can more older adults out there please come out of the closet as BTS fans 

-- cause seriously, while all these boys (okaylah, can consider men already) are younger than me,

their music and their concepts are so universally appealing, 

how is this only meant for people in their 10s.

I once read a lengthy Quora post analysing BTS's MVs, and was so floored by the complexity and the interwoven philosophical or political messages. How can only 13 year olds be appreciating this.

* fairly recent friendship drama -- I didn't know we could have this all the way to adulthood, but apparently it is so -- has had me thinking how complex human relationships are, and how rare a true and open connection is, and I treasure the few that I have that are open and true.

having said that, every other person that I have the privilege of meeting or knowing or touching in this life, I treasure as well, but in their own flavour and colour. because not every relationship you have is destined the way you wish -- but you can love it for what it is, and still be the best kind of person for that particular relationship. that way, you live life peacefully, with no resentment toward anyone, insya Allah.

Excellent questions,

and even more excellent reminders from Shaykh Hamza.

💜

😌

happy sigh.

Not a recent video but worth re-watching again and again! (:

A seed is alive while it waits

"A seed is alive while it waits. Every acorn on the ground is just as alive as the three-hundred-year-old oak tree that towers over it. Neither the seed nor the old oak is growing; they are both just waiting. Their waiting differs, however, in that the seed is waiting to flourish while the tree is only waiting to die. When you go into a forest you probably tend to look up at the plants that have grown so much taller than you ever could. You probably don't look down, where just beneath your single footprint sit hundreds of seeds, each one alive and waiting. They hope against hope for an opportunity that will probably never come. More than half of these seeds will die before they feel the trigger that they are waiting for, and during awful years every single one of them will die. All this death hardly matters, because the single birch tree towering over you produces at least a quarter of a million new seeds every single year. When you are in the forest, for every tree that you see, there are at least a hundred more trees waiting in the soil, alive and fervently wishing to be.

A coconut is a seed that's as big as your head. It can float from the coast of Africa across the entire Atlantic Ocean and then take root and grow on a Caribbean island. In contrast, orchid seeds are tiny: one million of them put together add up to the weight of a single paper clip. Big or small, most of every seed is actually just food to sustain a waiting embryo. The embryo is a collection of only a few hundred cells, but it is a working blueprint for a real plant with root and shoot already formed.

When the embryo within a seed starts to grow, it basically just stretches out of its doubled-over waiting posture, elongating into official ownership of the form that it assumed years ago. The hard coat that surrounds a peach pit, a sesame or mustard seed, or a walnut's shell mostly exists to prevent this expansion. In the laboratory, we simply scratch the hard coat and add a little water and it's enough to make almost any seed grow. I must have cracked thousands of seeds over the years, and yet the next day's green never fails to amaze me.

Something so hard can be so easy if you just have a little help. In the right place, under the right conditions, you can finally stretch out into what you're supposed to be."

-- Lab Girl, Hope Jahren

This seems like a wonderful parable, doesn't it?


And as I read yet another autobiography, this time (yay!) of an intelligent lady, I'm realising that what I'm actually seeking are role models I can't seem to find or encounter in real life. Maybe because I don't meet enough people; or even when I do encounter fairly admirable persons, they are rarely opportunities to cultivate a mentoring relationship. And my being an introvert and all makes all of that extra hard, if not impossible.

I feel a painful dearth of people, especially women, to look up to and on whom I could place hope and seek advice. I know they must be out there, but they're not around me. It feels exhausting that yet again I feel I'm here alone, carving out a route for myself, hoping against hope, and praying hard, that this route will lead somewhere bright and beautiful some day.