c'est la vie

Ah, I meant to post before the new year! but as always, procrastination is my greatest weakness.

I actually had two previous drafts for my final end-year-reflection post, but because I had a super-ambitious post in my mind, I kept stalling with the writing and neither of those drafts got completed. So I figured -- S, stop being ambitious and just write, dang it.

Here are my thoughts and ramblings as the new year begins and 2015 is no more.



*My battles stay the same. Still fighting feeling weird and out-of-place in my late twenties. Every day I question why I'm so weird. Why can't I just be normal like everyone else. I think I've lost count the number of ways I've tried to think about this, me, my life. I've told myself it's all in my head, I've recognized and acknowledged that it's a very INFP trait, I've tried to change my mindset, and I've even attempted embracing my perceived weirdness. I have my good days, but this outsider syndrome with its negative emotional effects persist. Sometimes I get a headache thinking about it cause obviously I go around in circles.

*Starting a book club possibly one of the best things that happened in 2015, hand-in-hand with the growing love and attachment to my Kindle.

*Unpleasant experiences in the second half of the year with respect to attempting and obliging to be paired up in real life. Reality clashing terribly with my idealistic thoughts. Realising that I simply cannot live with the cognitive dissonance -- to the point of physical discomfort, really. I cannot pretend to do things for the sake of practicality. I am idealistic, and I don't know how to live or think any other way. And then, having made my decisions, I bash myself up about them and the level of ingratitude I exhibit. There is nothing more tiring and more surely leading to depression than constant self-blame and guilt. I think that's why my angst resurfaced as well, and haha, reading fics like this not helping very much either:

Why is everyone married?” I cry after Mrs Kennedy leaves, “Am I the only one?”

“I’m not married,” Linda points out, “And I wouldn’t worry about it, love. Plenty more fish in the sea.”

“No, haven’t you heard? Fish are becoming scarcer and scarcer! That’s why salmon is so expensive these days! THERE ARE NO MORE FISH!”

“Calm down,” Gladys tries to soothe me.

“And anyway, I caught my fish and threw him back in,” I say, “I don’t deserve any more fish.” 

— Still Delicate, padfoot4ever

*Work was wonderful in comparison. I've had a great professional year. The work team has shifted in terms of dynamics, for the better. I feel more confident too, more trusted as a valuable team member -- one of my seniors even dubbed me the outpatient guru because I do so many outpatient speech-language clinics! I've been given opportunities to explore new theories, new ideas, learning new things; my thirst for knowledge is sufficiently fed and watered within this field and I find joy amidst the bustle of everyday work. I haven't shared this with anyone yet, but I might even recommence inpatient training. And my plan for the future keeps shifting -- I have ideas about my own personal projects, but I also feel increasingly attached to the team, to the environment, and the learning that does happen within the pressure cooker.



Having said all that, overall, I do feel calm in general about life. I do feel like I'm not stagnant, and that's what counts. And that though I struggle, I feel I'm growing. Or maybe in fact, because I struggle, then I grow. I pray that I never lose guidance and continue to seek it, because life is a long journey and more often than not, a rough uphill climb.