Oh, rain. Why did you stop. You're supposed to be the reason I'm skipping class.
Sometimes, I really can't stand this whole system of doing so many modules and projects at once. It makes me so frustrated. And angry. Because how am I going to appreciate any one thing enough when I keep having to jump from one task to another? >:|
I miss the feeling of truly excelling at something. I think I felt that waaaaay back in primary school. When subjects were few and we would do math repeatedly, for say, hours. I got so good at it and I really liked figuring out new problem sums. A mastery of anything requires a 110% attention and focus, and a wholehearted investment to fully understand a subject. I think I've mentioned this before; a lot of my personal discontent stems from my knowledge that I haven't given that 110%. That input is essential for a sense of accomplishment. And since primary school days, I can count the number of times I actually felt that sense of achievement. Been wholehearted in what I do.
It's so frustrating, and more so because I know it's me. It's like I've become too insanely distracted. Never fully embracing any one task. And of course, the crazy number of concurrent projects helps the situation none at all. Somehow, I'll remedy this. Somehow. Because at the end of it all, I just need to know I've done the best that I can.
My sister left for her KL trip. Last night, she was filling in a questionnare I assume came from her teacher. It was something like a personal statement; what do you want in life, what do people expect you to do, what you want to do etc. Then she asked, "What does a career mean to you?" And I only gave it a moment's thought before I said, "A way for me to make a difference in the world." And she went like this: @.@ and said, "I always just wanted my career to be something I enjoy."
And honestly, that's what I thought I wanted for myself too. And just earning enough to go on holidays every year. And this is why, sometimes, I think Freudian slips or free association or whatnot can be so revealing about oneself. Yes, I've thought about doing fun things as a job - photography or opening a book store - but ultimately, what would give me the most satisfaction is the knowledge that I've done something greater than myself. See my idealistic fluffy notions I will undoubtedly find incredibly hard to realise? Nonetheless, no harm trying.
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You know here comes the spaz section. :P
Been reading Yamapi's 0409 column in the seventeen mags. I finally friended the community here and the translations are fantastic, the scans perfect. And reading all of what Pi wrote, more than his jweb, reminds me why Pi is my favourite Johnny's, by a far stretch. Like for instance, in Nobuta wo Produce, Yamapi was the one who characterised Akira. Akira was initially meant to be a normal guy. Yamapi gave him the entire quirky personality. The production people were a bit unsure of this at first but it worked. And now the Nobuta trio is one of my favourite group of fictional characters.
Also: Kaname Jun revealed as one of the six ikemen in Maki's drama! :D 5 more to go.
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