picture in my mind

I alternately feel like writing. And then not writing. I am indecisive even about the most mundane minute things in life. haiyoh.

I am still sad about Heath. Was feeling sad throughout my entire kitchen clean-up tonight. :(

My mum commented on how easy my life is now. It seems so, I suppose. Lectures starting in the late afternoon, no homework at this stage, no rush. But I go: "Huh! Easy???" If people only knew the amount of torture I put on my mind every single day. I think it could drive even the most optimistic person mad with fear. Worry about USP. Worry about CAP. Worry that I am going to utterly suck at computing no matter how hard I try. Worry about seemingly non-existent job prospects. Worry that I should be doing just something more. Worry about whether to apply for this or that thing. Worry about where I'm going to end up ten years from now. Worry about just every other stupid detail. I just want to tell my brain to shut up. Really.

I just can't chill. What is wrong with me. Sometimes I try to make myself visualise putting my crazy roundabout thoughts into a big wooden chest, heavily padlocked, and then set aside. But that works for like only five minutes max, before my thoughts go to my worries again. Learning to relax is no easy thing for me. It's hard for me to see life as good right now, but I try. Because I know it is. It is good. I just can't see it very well.