picture in my mind

Very, very little days left till promos.

At certain points of time, I am gripped with this immense fear of failing possibly every subject. I try not to do that too often, as it may have seriously detrimental effects on my psychological well-being. And somehow, ending up in an asylum seems worse than failing promos. I really try to work hard... Why do I feel so sleepy nowadays??? I reach home, fall asleep for two or three straight hours, and when I wake up, I panic like hell.

If only I were braver. If I only I didn't care to be different. Then it wouldn't matter if I got retained and had to stay an extra year. It would only enforce my knowledge of my subjects, possibly enabling me to do the S papers I want. But how can I bear being in J1 all over again? How about the torture of being spoken about and looked down upon by my current peers? Sad to say, I wouldn't be able to handle such a situation very well.

I suppose, to different extents, we're all scared of falling out from the norm. I really, really wish I weren't. It would make life much more painless, don't you think? If you didn't care at all what other people think, life would be very much easier. You wouldn't worry about how you think this person hates you for doing this or how that person thinks you look stupid.

I wish I had more courage... But it's so bloody hard to be brave. Especially when you always think you're small and insignificant. It really frustrates me sometimes. I know courage is not the absence of fear, but the knowledge that something else is more important than fear... And I think I would have enough courage when something close to my heart is threatened. I just hope I'll have the courage to face life when things don't go my way.

Ah sigh.

Time to get back to work.

(It's really scary how most things nowadays seem to me to link to Lymond in some way or other. For instance, if we're discussing good leadership in GP class, I'd think of how Lymond is far more demagogic than Hitler and as selfless as Ghandi. Or if I'm pondering about the concept of courage, I think about Philippa. In fact, almost every possible literature theme seems to exist in Lymond... Courage, death, love, honour, leadership, loyalty, friendship, mother-child relationship, betrayal, depression, tragedy... crap, even politics. What doesn't it have? No wonder I link practically everything to it...)