picture in my mind

Much earlier this year, before the fiasco of Covid-19 that derailed many of our plans, I had joined yet another book club started by a beloved bookstore. It centered around topics of Islam and philosophy, and I was so psyched to dive into these mind-boggling, life-altering ideas. I had shared with several of my friends and current book club mates about it, but of course, as I had envisioned it, I found myself going solo (yet again, what's new).

I silently hoped that there would be other ladies in this group, just so I wouldn't stick out like a sore thumb. I settled in a chair, waiting, and then very quickly a girl sat down next to me; we looked at each other and there was a moment's pause of recognition. Pleasantly, it turned out to be a senior from school! Someone whose face I remember but with whom in the past I had little to no interaction. But it was wonderful regardless: we caught up about who we were, where we were, and what we were up to in life -- and my God, I tell you, the warm fuzzy feeling from that moment still lingers -- because I had never felt so normal in my life. I just needed so desperately to not feel like an alien, and Alhamdulillah, there was this amazing, amazing woman who suddenly turned up next to me. There are women like me, who I think are awesome (there's a possibility I'm equally awesome too!).

Sometimes it feels like I'm flogging a dead horse on this topic, but not fitting into common moulds of society makes for a difficult existence. It is a struggle to be a woman (furthermore, from a Muslim minority group) and not have people make conclusions about you, and I have painstakingly, painstakingly, learnt not to imbibe the messages I get from the outside wholesale. I am not wrong, I am not damaged, the friends I have are incredible, I am cultivating both an open mind and a strong, faithful heart, which as I think on it, is a wonderful but rarely-achieved goal. My dreams will manifest in ways unimagined, and I have learnt that my road leads to my own destination, insya Allah, Amin.

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A little unrelated but, this song is about taking on life happy and confident. 

(BTS should just be the soundtrack of my life at this rate.)

I'm diamond you know I glow up

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When I run after what I think I want, my days are a furnace of distress and anxiety; if I sit in my own place of patience, what I need flows to me, and without pain. From this I understand that what I want, also wants me, is looking for me and attracting me. There is a great secret here for anyone who can grasp it.

~ Rumi