picture in my mind

Ah, such nuanced thinking!

This lady is such a bright and brave intelligence.

"The reality of lived experience is very different."

She mentioned a little about humans being emotional beings.

But how often we treat situations as though humans aren't, eh.

I've come to realise in recent times,
that it's extremely important for emotional and mental health,
to embrace your own feelings. One of the toughest things in life
is denying or repressing your feelings repeatedly and consistently, such that it will fester,
perhaps for years, leading inevitably to depression.
But understanding how you feel, acknowledging it, and accepting it,
even when others won't is the key to a well-adjusted inner life. This was the life-changing thing
that I learnt last year. It's been the biggest growth for me in recent times and something
I'm constantly needing practice at.

It is very hard to be kind when you don't give voice to your feelings because
it makes you feel devalued and downtrodden, and then resentful, and that's not kindness, is it,
when you do something begrudgingly, instead of wholeheartedly.

My likely being an HSP (i.e. a highly sensitive person) who senses nuances in words and actions
and then makes conclusions regarding their implications,
leads me to feel a myriad of emotions on a daily basis, and this is exhausting, let me tell you.
I actually think this is why I escape into books.
It gives me respite and lets me switch off about people.

Half the time, people don't seem to realise the messages they're sending out by what they say and do,
and then they claim not to intend any ill-will, which may be true -- but crashing your car against me by accident still means you crashed your car. So you know, I'm learning slowly, that I'm getting these messages and they make me feel a certain way and instead of hating myself for feeling these things (that most people will invalidate should I even attempt to explain them), I tell it to myself instead. And I tell myself how and why I'm feeling it. I talk myself through it. Then I'll have to make a decision about how to act. This way, I don't hate on my heart, but love myself instead. That helps me be a better person in the long run, insya Allah.

On the flipside, I can see the value of this trait of mine. Alhamdulillah, I actually think this highly sensitive side of me is what helps me do my work. The ability to sense every sound, expression, action or word from the children I work with helps me tune in so wholly with them; I make conclusions about what they're thinking and feeling at every moment and instance, and react accordingly. When you react to how people feel, they respond to you, because indirectly, you're telling them you care. This helps me connect with them, and 'crack' them -- as my colleague and I used to say.



When I was about 9 or 10, I think, I attempted to write a poem. I'm quite sure it wasn't very good. In fact, I was feeling nervous about it, but I wanted to do it anyway. It must have been for Mother's Day or something, because I had then handed it over to my mum, along with my siblings, who each had their own gifts for her. I honestly don't remember much else at all of that day, but I remember starkly my mother's response to my gift. She was pleased as mothers would to receive anything from their child, but off-handedly, jokingly said something like, "Why are you like this..." in response to my poem. If I could describe what happened... I think my young childhood self shrank inside. The message that I had gotten, was how wrong it was, but being so young, not knowing what exactly was wrong. Just a general sense of wrongness in being emotional, I think, and attempting a poem of all things! This is what I mean by the messages that even as a child, I read in others.

Of course, my mother did not intend any harm. But her opinion that an emotional, poetry-writing, silly child was not usual, and perhaps undesirable, was what came across from her response. And has clearly stuck with me for life. It doesn't matter what you actually superficially say or do, all of your being tells me otherwise. I think this is what I usually respond to with people; in fact, all of us underneath it all, respond in this way. Your intentions and opinion of others comes across in volumes, and that's what we react to; not superficial practised words. What do you really think of me? Do you respect me? And if we would all endeavour to check our intentions and feelings towards others, perhaps we would all get along better, no matter what we say.