picture in my mind

Feeling a sudden crash from a good period of high and positive emotions
(god knows how much of these things are hormone-driven and how much triggered);
and reading articles about stuff like this: discrimination against women (and men?)
based on the colour of their skin, just makes me alternately despondent and furious.

I am so tired of horrible unjust things happening in the world,
and of terrible experiences in the subtle things around me in every day life.
So tired, seriously. Can I just be an unfeeling block of stone.
Apparently a lot of people function well like that, I think.
I should be one too. It's exhausting otherwise.

And sometimes I wonder if you know, being like Marthe,
who has established for herself low expectations so that she can get through life,
is the way to go. Like, just, don't expect anything. Hope, but don't expect?
That's really a thin and difficult line to distinguish.

I had a mini-epiphany while on umrah earlier this year;
that the key out of the anger one feels regardless of the cause,
is gratitude. But dang, is that hard to do when I'm so... blinded by anger.
God, I can't take it. Just so angry with the way some things are in this world.
How do I deal.


While reading Pachinko by Min Jin Lee, which talks a lot about the oppression of Koreans (or any gaijin, actually) during the Japanese occupation, this bit really moved me:

She loved spending the day with Kyunghee, whom she called Sister. After two brief months, they found themselves enjoying a close friendship -- an unexpected gift for two women who'd neither expected nor asked for much happiness.


I should treasure my unexpected gifts too.