I had a super and happily productive day today -- 5 kids for therapy, 2 IEP parent meetings, and I fasted the whole day and practically had no break for about 9.5 hours straight, just working. Then I had a great dinner with L, catching up about work, life, kdramas (super fun to discuss dramas with her!). Finally left for home after dinner, feeling accomplished, and grateful (especially for knowing yet another amazing lady), only to be accosted by my mum about where I was and yet again, about my disappointing lack of a worthy social circle, apparently. Why are you not out with a boyfriend instead? Why do you not have a boyfriend?
I didn't have much energy to be upset at that point. But seriously: nevermind that I slogged the entire day or that I felt I had sat and talked with a person I genuinely admired. She is amazing. Partly for being an ISTJ-Yu-Jie-type person (haha) but also for telling me about her awesome plans for taking up fostering. And creating a centre for child fostering (especially for our hospital villagers as we call them! i.e. the abandoned kids in our hospital system). Nevermind all that. If I'm somehow not married or not about to, or I haven't gotten some guy smitten somewhere, there must be something wrong with me. I must be some sort of defective, weirdo woman apparently.
I am sick and tired of pandering myself and my sense of self-worth to this double-standard, unjust system, born of a man's world. I am done being made to feel inadequate and unhappy about who I am. Dear God, I am not trying to be ungrateful; I am working hard trying and fighting myself, to be a better person every day. But please don't take me to account for something I have no control over; I am not this typical, ideal woman that one is supposed to be, and it's been feeling increasingly like folly, to think that I ever will be.
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