Rasulullah s.a.w. said, "Make your deen sincere unto Allah and small works will suffice you."
Narrated by Muadh ibn Jabal (taken from a friend's blog -- thank you!)
I realise that sometimes all I need is to recharge! We sleep to recharge our energy -- like today, I slept like crazy on the train to and from school; and when I got home, tried to force myself to do work but felt crummy. The deadlines are looming in front of me like oppressive monsters. And so I decided to get a good nap to recharge and felt so much more energized upon waking. And then I realize, we frequently need iman recharges as well. I just forgot.
Like, renewing one's intentions or niyyah is really good for the soul, I think. When I take a step back from everything, I think about why I'm doing this, and I remember that it's not about the grades, or a good reputation, or impressing the faculty, or earning good money, or even pleasing my parents. That it's about pleasing God in the path that he has led me to; and then things just get simpler, perspective-wise. And the little things don't bug me. I really think that fearlessness, save fear of God, should be second nature to Muslims; and if we have that, what in this world can stop us? :)
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Writer's block! Both for this blog, as well as a paper due in less than a week. :s The thoughts are all there jumbled around in my head, but I can't get it out to sound right. And the power of words... really. The way one phrases things, just that little bit different, it can change the meaning a whole lot. So how does one not become ultra cautious in the writing or the speaking, knowing the power of words? (So as a result typing is worse than slow.)
What I keep doing: sweeping things under the rug. Cannot deal with situation? Sweep under the rug. This is too difficult and confusing? Sweep under the rug. God, I still don't know what to do. Sweep under the rug. Because hello, I have a 5000-word essay to write -- and I think my brain is insanely prone to distractions -- and focus is necessary; so the rug functions so I can function. Let's just hope that when I finally lift my rug, I don't get felled over by overdue issues.
On a separate positive note, I think I have learnt to say no. I almost got roped into becoming the project director for an event -- and in the past, I would have probably buckled -- but I have learnt that if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of things. Example: Graduate student on the way to Nobel fame kills self over failure to synthesise a chemical bond. When I hear how stressed it is to be a research student, I swear, I feel so glad to have gotten out of it. When you don't take care of your personal issues and sweep them under the rug and pretend everything's super-awesome and the world is fine, this is what happens. Ultimately, I think if you don't have God (or at least a viable and functional world view), and things start crumbling, this is what happens.
I shall work on my paper and be diligent and on-task and study and also work on those things under the rug, ahak.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I do remember making a vow, some time back, possibly 2008-ish, not to be emo here. But then I'm emo anyway; mehhh, it happens. I shall desist. Emo moments should perhaps be treated like scabs; hide them and pretend they don't exist, and they shall peel off and go away in time.
Anyway, look what my aunt gave from Japan this time!!! It made me squeal.
It says something like: Arra no something something (I can't read kanji! probably means Prophet?) Muhanmado no kanji-kanji-kanji-I-can't-read, and 40 no Hajiisu.
Hadiths in Arabic and Japanese, ahah, so awesome. I shall go pick this apart when I have time.
Also, a perfectly gorilla name:
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Okay, I will try to blog, although inside, I feel all horrid and everything I vomit out here does seem like vomit to me. Oh dear, why so morbid. It's like when you realise haiyah, why do I suck so much and get upset and confused and wonder if you can ever work hard enough to make things right. Or if you have any store of character within yourself to battle through life; like just the other day, I mentioned to a friend: I think I have no more courage left in my pit of bravery.
I am reminded of a story, that's kinda like a joke: There was this imam at a mosque who fell in prostration, chanting in awe of the majesty that is God, "I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing...". And then a muezzin walked by and saw the imam and thought, "If he's nothing, then what am I???" And out of fear and desperation, the muezzin too fell in prostration and started repeating, "I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing..." Then, the man who swept the mosque came and saw the imam and the muezzin, and thought in horror, "If they're nothing, then what am I???" And fell in prostration as well, chanting, "I am nothing, I am nothing, I am nothing..." After a while, the imam paused, and said to the muezzin, "Look at who thinks he's nothing!"
So, the best advice I've heard is not to worry about whether you're something or nothing, or in relation to this, whether I suck or not, but to do it all for the sake of God. I think if one is still worried about where one stands in relation to things, I think maybe one hasn't reached an absolute servitude of the Lord, which necessarily negates concern for the self?
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Away from confusing thoughts, I finished The Disorderly Knights. I adore this:
"You knew you might be killed if you rode out of Flaw Valleys... You wouldn't have made Kate very happy. Or me."
"You have to pay for your mistakes," Philippa said hardily. From white, in the dim light, she had turned poppy red.
Lymond said quietly, "You had good reason to hate me. I always understood that. I don't know why you should think differently now, but take care. Don't build up another false image. I may be the the picturesque sufferer now, but when I have the whip-hold, I shall behave quite as crudely or worse. I have no pretty faults.Only, sometimes, a purpose." He paused and said, "Est conformis precedenti. I owe the Somervilles rather a lot already."
Philippa's unwinking brown gaze flickered shiftily at the Latin and then steadied. "I should have told you before. You don't mind?"
"If you had told me before, you might not have decided to have me for a friend. I don't mind," said Francis Crawford and told, for once, the bare truth.
That piece of Singlish just cracked me up tonight.
I have these days when I feel evil and horrible. :( Whhhy. Also, at such times, I have urges to completely shut down this blog. I hope I don't actually end up doing that.
Subhanallah, what do you do when you hear things like this? Dismiss it? This was from 2003. Sheikh Imran Hosein has always been relegated to the periphery of Islamic discourse because... well, he speaks of things that discomfit us, eh? We get even more uncomfortable when he starts to make sense, when we observe and reflect what's been happening today. Watch out for circa 03:55 min.
It is Chinese New Year! (Gong xi Gong xi to my beloved friends!) Year of the Rabbit come again which means - gasp - 12 years since I sat for my PSLE. Ahak, what a comparison.
Anyway, aside from the enjoymentz abound all over Singapore (excuse the 'z' language I have recently taken to indulging); the world, I feel, is in chaos. What is happening in Cairo, yar! :( (Craziness which will probably ultimately spell a different story for Maulud celebrations this year.) And then all the fiery demonstrations spreading all over the Arab world. SCARY. Talks of revolution. And the establishment of fundamentalist Islamic states. Whatever that means. What is happening.
:s
On a positive note though, tonight marks the beginning of Rabiul 'Anwar. <3 Let's cling to some real hope, I say.
Besides being a little bit entertaining, this sparks more than a couple of theories eh, all of them incredible.
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Also, this is what we've been doing in class (partly) -- learning about the brain, cartoon-style!
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You see, I feel like so many things are going on that seem to bug me, and I feel like I need to partition my brain, and apportion sufficient energy to each.
I. must. stop. being. over-ambitious. Or I must start prioritising, and cultivate self-discipline.
* I want to learn Arabic properly but this is somehow not turning out very favourably. No time, clash of lessons with APEX which I have once again decided to join, Arabic grammar is so difficult, and one million other excuses/obstacles. (Also, Japanese!)
* I still haven't read very important things I have been meaning to finish almost years ago. :( Disappointed.
* Polish my fiqh knowledge. (I personally think this should be number one on the list, but I am being lazy.) Also, where do I find good fiqh books for women specifically??? I must do a proper search.
* I have started reading textbooks (and actually really like this language + brain + psychology stuff, yay) but omgosh, so many books, so little time.
* AND YET, I am rereading Lymond. Seriously, I am torn about this -- I feel like I shouldn't be reading for leisure because HELLO, so much to do! But not reading for leisure is like... not being me. :( How can you ask me to not be me.
I picked out The Disorderly Knights on impulse and started reading and am now three-fifths through and somebody please clarify what on earth is going on in this book: (SPOILER warning.)
- Did Lymond really love Oonagh??? Is this love significantly different from that which he ultimately felt with Philippa? Or was it some sort of strange obligation or responsibility he felt for Oonagh that made him go to such lengths to help her escape from Tripoli? (Francis Crawford, why are you so weird.)
- How old is Oonagh!!! Ahahah. What does it mean to be an "ageless beauty" -- no fair.
- I've been trying to see if I could pick up anything about Gabriel that would give away all the evil hiding behind his fake piety -- but I cannot. Which brings me to wonder: how does Lymond seem to know or guess Gabriel's and Joleta's true natures??? Can he read minds? Or was it the fact that he was the subject of the siblings' manipulation that he was able to perceive their deception, unlike the rest of world who worship the two?
- Why is Jerott so hot-headed; but I still love him.
- I think Nicolas de Nicolay is adorable and hilarious!
- Did Lymond actually sleep with Joleta? :( I am disappointed in him; apparently knowing she's a bitch (according to him, that is), it warrants his raping of her. what.
- Does Kate love Lymond too? Much to Philippa's disappointment/chagrin/horror?
- I thought I understood a lot more of the politics and religion that surround the Order of St John this time round! so yay. Grand Master De Homedes is disgusting.
* These days, I have been having nice long conversations over lunch about love and marriage and men and responsibilities as women. And despite being cynical, since one cannot help feeling bleak about the number of unmarried educated women or about the fact that SDU claims Singaporean men have lost the art of wooing for instance, I still want love and a family, God-willing. The problem is, I don't know how to make it happen. And while it is comforting to find other girls in the same boat, all saying, "How ah!" :( it still doesn't solve the problem. We laugh, and we try to be patient.
When God knows you're ready for the responsibility of commitment, He'll reveal the right person under the right circumstances. Wait patiently. Don't waste your time searching and wishing. Grow and be ready, you'll see God will give you a love story far better than you could ever dream of.
