... when we read about Haruki's decision to fly into the waves, my dad totally lost it. We were at home, sitting at the kotatsu, and he was reading the translation out loud to me, and when he got to that part, he put down the page and made this loud snorting noise that sounded a bit like a gigantic sneeze, only it wasn't. It was an explosion of sadness. He stood up and went into the bathroom and shut the door, but I could still hear him crying in a deep, gulping way.

-- Nao, A Tale for the Time Being, Ruth Ozeki

When I think about me and my idealism, this scene frequently comes to mind. I remember how this scene made me cry together with Nao's dad the first time I read it. Being an idealist is lonely; standing up for your ideals against the face of criticism from all sides, including your own, is heart-breaking, destroying, crushing. To have it validated, even a little, gives such relief, it comes with a torrent of tears.

A bit slow on the uptake, I know; this song has been all the rage for a while

-- but suddenly, it's bitten me.

too cute!

and certainly helping with my Arabic.

---

Also, old friends have recently made me feel nostalgic for the old days. 

I got a belated birthday gift in the form of lapis lazuli!

Elsie! You are well-loved, hehe.

Eventful day --

* a family emergency that made me glad to realise how I naturally go into fight mode when something scary happens. I can look back and laugh now. But man, it was scary. It's a few times in my life now that my younger siblings have given us terrible life-or-death scares. But what I'm increasingly realising is that, when something emotionally overwhelming happens, my natural instinct is to shove all emotion aside, and become logical and serious and amazingly calm. Although I can hear the small voice in my head starting to plead to God.

Haha, this makes me wonder if I should have become a doctor. But wait, wasn't I all frazzled for inpatient training as a speechie? Am I not naturally paranoid, as my old school friends will attest to? hmmmmm I don't know. Maybe it's the knowledge that efff, this is important, I will fix this or die, that makes the difference.

* first big iftar that has me realising how old I am, or rather how far I've come in life, and I'm happy with who I've strived to be, and hopefully continually strive to become. It's one of those rare times in life as a woman, I don't feel getting older is a bad thing at all. If you're constantly cultivating and refining who you are, you're looking forward to growing wiser and stronger and closer to the best version of you you can be.

* praying in congregation as a jema'ah made me reflect on the value of the ummah, or of a community. and why Islam places such importance on the role of social duty and contribution. A true community is everything an individual needs to sustain life -- you may face individual challenges, but a true community would never leave you to deal with them utterly alone. You could never be motherless, fatherless, or childless. So many mothers either kaypoh-ing, or shoving food at you. Children running around for you to snatch one and cuddle. Brothers and sisters surround you -- and all you need for them to swoop down on you in concern is looking even that little bit under the weather. 

I do wonder if it's the magic of this blessed month that's giving me positive vibes.

May you be blessed and protected always. May we all.

Ramadhan Mubarak!

May this Ramadhan be filled with blessings that will carry on to the rest of the year.



Goals:

* to improve sleep management and therefore energy management -- I need to conserve energy for the right things, I know. ): 7 hours a night please, S.

* to review at least some parts of the Quran properly (it has been pathetic year after year)

* to assign myself one task (work/spiritual/household) every night to complete (and I want this to continue beyond Ramadhan, insya Allah)

* to listen to Al-Mishary and improve my Arabic pronunciation (as reiterated over and over by my Arabic teacher!) -- definitely want to get all the range of /h/ and /z/ right!

* tawakal ilallah for all things

hello, this was a beautiful story.

For all my misfit friends.

In fact, I think too many of us perceive ourselves as misfits.

Which apparently, might be a good and beautiful thing.

being brave is awesome

Against my better judgement, 

and with full knowledge that I am getting far too old for this: 

a kpop video!

This group has increasingly fascinated me, with their very pretty videos and unbelievable dancing. And they also recently appeared on Running Man, which of course is every Korean artist's gateway to super-stardom, if you didn't already have enough of the fame. 

This song -- just the right blend of everything for me.

Oh, this makes me nostalgic for the days when I fell in love with Big Bang.

---

I've been running my social skills sessions this past week with some older kids.

As I talked things over with them, I'm realising I'm saying things that apply to me too. The irony makes me laugh quietly to myself, or sometimes do an internal face-palm.

Things like, we all have problems in life, right? Are you just going to let them be, or are you going to solve them?

And my kid will go, I don't know.

And in my head, I'm thinking, yeah actually, some of my problems, I don't know too.

I tell them, I think we can figure it out. Don't you want to be happy? We then write out stuff we think we should be, like... kind, smart, helpful, friendly. Brave, and fair. I tell them that we have to be brave to stand up for ourselves against bullies, to speak up for ourselves.

Do you know what being brave means? It means doing something even when you're afraid.

My kid made a doubtful face, convinced that I was giving her silly ideas.

I went on this long explanation about how being brave, out of all other attributes we listed, was the absolute coolest one. And I had to digress a little to explain what "cool" was, because kids nowadays apparently only recognise "awesome".

My kid reasonably expressed concern, but what if I speak up and keep being nice and then... they're still not nice to me?

I tried to convince her, it won't happen straight away, but some day, they'll stop and realise how they shouldn't mess with you. or how nice you really are. or even want to be friends with you. And I stuck in a disguised story about Nabi s.a.w. and his horrible neighbour who eventually turned a new leaf because Nabi was so relentless in his niceness and kindness.

And even if things don't turn out well with her peers, in the long run, people generally like brave and nice people more than mean and nasty people. I was trying to make her see that being brave was something worth doing in and of itself, regardless of the outcome. Being brave is awesome.

You've got to be brave, S.



oh my kiddies, you guys try hard, but the world doesn't understand you. my clinics often remind me of Sheldon: there was a scene I watched recently, that was just so sweet, and stuck with me.

It was Sheldon's birthday,
and they were throwing him a party,
except that he freaked out because parties were something of a trauma for him in childhood,
due to bullying.
So he took refuge in the bathroom.

Aw, Penny. 

If we could all learn to really learn about one another, 

there would be more love all round.