when the personality comes fully
to serve the energy of the soul
-- Gary Zukav

"You have to know what sparks the light in you
so that you, in your own way,
can illuminate the world."
-- Oprah Winfrey

“I Am Not I”

BY JUAN RAMÓN JIMÉNEZ

TRANSLATED BY ROBERT BLY

I am not I.

                   I am this one

walking beside me whom I do not see,

whom at times I manage to visit,

and whom at other times I forget;

who remains calm and silent while I talk,

and forgives, gently, when I hate,

who walks where I am not,

who will remain standing when I die.

So my night didn't turn out the way I planned; it never does. Ahah!
I need to reduce my triggers/distractions if I want to manage myself better
i.e. restrict the computer screen, S.

I had planned an early night because I was so exhausted I took a cab back home and almost dozed in the car. I'd returned to work today after the long wedding weekend, and packed 5 therapy sessions in 5 separate centers and crap, that was not a good idea. I wasn't even travelling light! I had both my trolley bag and my backpack and was walking under the beating sun, from LRT station to centers and back and forth. By the time 3.30 pm rolled around, I was so tired. I was zoning out in air-con corners. After the last kid, I sucked on an ice-blended and sat at coffee bean for an hour cause I just couldn't and wouldn't move anymore with the crazy weight.


But here I am past a good bedtime once again;
because I had spent almost an hour chatting to J--
she had an SOS and we needed to talk (which derailed all my dinner plans).
And I was thinking, it's great that we have friends that are our counselor hotlines.
Some people have to pay to cry over the phone.
Although I feel like I play the counselor far more frequently and don't use my friend hotline enough.
When I get mad and am about to explode,
I often text E; we do this to each other.
Spam crazy mass texts in the heat of anger or any emotional turmoil--
and then I usually calm when we help each other analyse the crazy explosions that happened.
I openly tell my friends: I need therapy today. Please meet me. And it's free!
I am so thankful that I can do that. That I have friends that I can do that with.
Because not all friends are like that; and not everyone has the luxury of such essential active listeners
and who hopefully have your best interests at heart.

Then later in the night, I had discovered the depths of Oprah -- yes, that famous wonderful lady talkshow host. So apparently, Oprah has a superpower, and I love this adorable thing:

And it's true; I've been in enough courses (a necessary for a therapy-profession) and read enough books (e.g. Empathy, We Need To Talk) to appreciate her skill, scrutinised here in this video:

It is a super skill -- to be able to connect with someone;

and not let your own emotional baggage get in the way.

When you're not comfortable with who you are, 

people will also find it difficult to be comfortable with you.

Jiayou, S, to being a more empathic, loving, and compassionate human!

Oprah is a wonderful example.

What a wonderful, wonderful lady.

---

a separate thing but I've been meaning to post this

(because I've been having a rewatch; and god, this movie has so many quotables!):

Do not try and bend the spoon. That is impossible.
Instead only try to realise the truth.

What truth?

There is no spoon.

There is no spoon?

Then you will see that it is not the spoon that bends.
It is only yourself.

💜

I should update about some real-life happenings --

like the fact that my sister got married this past weekend!

Things flew by like a blur; it went well, we were all exhausted,

and now I have the room to myself at home. :P

People like to say how, ohmygosh, you're the only one left!

I say, meh.

What's new.

I tell you, I am getting so good at this. I think I'm finally crossing the threshold. I'm starting to really not care. (I have crossed this threshold before in my life, for various other things. This is familiar.) People do that -- subtly express horror or pity or gloss over and avoid (their eyes get dart-y or crinkle sheepishly) -- or they pray for me (which is great, thank you all you lovely, hopefully-well-meaning humans). It's like having a debilitating disease. It's a rare person who looks at other humans as full humans, even at first encounter. Once you fall outside the norm, in the words of Brene Brown, you are acquainted with the wilderness. Initially, it's terrifying; it's not safe, it's scary. But after a while, and repeated exposure, you realise, what the heck. Let's explore this wilderness. What's so scary about this place just because everyone else isn't here? If I'm supposed to be out here, then damn well, I'm gonna be good at being out here. I've wasted too much time in my younger days being afraid anyway.

J and I have often talked about how if we were to live out our teen years again back in school, we'd live it out differently. But that's the essence of youth, isn't it? You often look back and feel like it's wasted in some way or other. Knowing what you do now, you wish you'd done better, or different. Braver. More curious. Learn the really necessary things in life. We've made peace with who our parents were or are, but if you know yourself now that you've grown, you probably learnt what you sorely needed as a child but did not receive.

Anyway!

I am happy. I hope my sister lives a good married life. Marriage is hard work, as it becomes increasingly apparent with age. My close friends and I are all mature enough to see beyond the frills of social convention and acceptance to the reality of lived relationships and what it takes. We talk about things differently now. I always feel that no matter what place you are, who you're with, and what you do -- crap will happen. Life will always be hard, always; we just differ in our relative struggles. What you need is simply the thing that makes all that struggle worth it. (God and all that comes in the hereafter, but in addition--) You hope and pray the person you're with serves as your joy and not your challenge; the work you do a reward rather than a pain; and the place you are plentiful and abundant rather than sparing. Amin.

a few other photos I meant to share from eons back;

thank you for lovely friends! who gave me BT21 cutesies for my birthday.

ahhhhh I should sleep, but I needed to get my thoughts out.



I was YouTube-jumping and I landed on Dave Chapelle's interview clips. He said something that I thought was wonderful in that interview:

that things are funny until they happen to you. suddenly, when it happens to you, there needs to be more empathy. suddenly, we're meant to see each other.


and isn't this so true.

It's like that well-known psychological concept: fundamental attribution error. What you see in others, you'd blame on their character; but what you see yourself doing, you attribute to circumstance. You're never wrong because the situation led you to do certain things; but everyone else is, because they're innately evil.

How do we escape such terrible human loops, but to practise more empathy, eh.


God, I shall strive to be kind,
but please help strengthen my heart so that I can always be kind.

like hanging on to hot coals.


This life is hard, but ganbatte, S!

Recently, amidst our endless rabbit-hole-type discussions,

E and I talked about the red pill vs. blue pill analogy iconized by the Matrix movie:

I still remember the day I watched this when I was 12. It didn't help that Keanu already had a place in my heart heeeee (he was my first crush since Speed the movie). I was enraptured by the movie; everything about it: the story, the special effects, the characters... and I like to think, the depth of the themes in the plot somehow seeped into my young mind even then too. It remains one of my favourite films to this day.


"This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill -- the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill -- you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember: all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more."

We all like to think we want to know the truth; until we've seen it. Then maybe we wished we could have remained happily ignorant again. Because once you've woken up, the work starts. And dang it, it's so hard. It's so hard. And wrought with endless pain, it seems. And no matter what, there's no going back and wishing you had taken the blue pill instead. This is an analogy for many things in life. But one of the biggest is depicted in the movie itself too: if you have woken up and understood the futility of the way a system works in your life, can you make yourself go back to functioning within the system without a care in the world? If you're smart enough to understand and see how horrid certain things are in this world, can you close your eyes and pretend it doesn't exist? Do you envy the endless bevy of happy, blissful people who are enjoying and partaking of that empty system? Do you wish you could be one of them?

There have been many days, particularly the ones I probably lacked sleep, when I wished I could drink a potion or something, to forget, to erase, and not having to know or have known something or several things that upended my life. In particular, I remember The Draco Trilogy by Cassandra Clare, when Ginny asked Hermione to help concoct a love potion for her -- then Hermione was all, "It's illegal! You can't use it on Draco to make him love you!" Ginny was damn pissed because of course she knew that; she meant the love potion for herself. It's not illegal to administer a love potion to yourself. She wanted to take a love potion to make herself love Seamus instead, and make it all easy and dandy. No complications. I wish I could take a love potion, set my eyes on some random dude, and then be done with the whole thing and please all the necessary SJ people of the world, and not have to grapple with all my inner turmoil.

In fact, isn't this why people take drugs in general.
To numb the pain of life.

Okay, I'm going to climb out of the rabbit hole and get back to work now.
(There are a gazillion reports I can't seem to finish.)
And pretend the rabbit hole doesn't even exist. Go, SJs!

There is no influence so powerful as that of the mother.
-- Sarah Josepha Hale, The Ladies' Magazine and Literary Gazette, 1829;
from It Didn't Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are And How To End The Cycle, by Mark Wolynn



My intuition told me early on, as much as I hate to admit it, that I needed to mend my relationship with my mum; that it was the source of a lot of my lived-out agonies and negative experiences. For a long time, stretching from childhood, I had unconsciously or subconsciously grown to judge and resent her so greatly. And it is only now that, as a full-grown adult, I'm trying to understand fully why this happened; why I'm like this; and what happened that made me this way.

The fortunate thing about me is that I consume information like it's water, haha. I read material like there's no end nor am I looking for an end (I could sit in the library all day and never be bored, and repeat this for days). So now, as my intuition could have told me -- all these books and information are telling me too. I need to let go of past hurts from early childhood in order to heal. And haiyoh, even the Prophet s.a.w. told us this, S.

But it's the pain that you felt got inflicted on you as a child that needed acknowledgement too.
I allowed myself this, and hopefully, it's led me to tread the path of healing.


Healing Sentences When We Have Rejected A Parent

1. I'm so sorry for how distant I've been.
2. Mom, you're a really good mother.
3. I've been really judgmental. It's prevented me from being close to you.
4. I'll stop expecting that your love should look a certain way.
5. I'll take in your love as you give it -- not as I expect it

-- It Didn't Start With You, by Mark Wolynn

In relation, even in my work, I've come to recognise how much emotional well-being is neglected in our children in general, and we think it matters less than their outward needs and achievements. Half the time, the issues I encounter with the kids, can be resolved if only they were given the right amount of emotional attention and support as they grow and learn (i.e. the mother! absent mothers come in many, many forms; fathers too, but the father's impact is different).

For God's sake, human beings, can we just love each other. Have children and love them. When children grow up knowing how to love and be loved, doesn't matter what else happens in their lives, they'll be okay, I tell you.

OMG this is unbelievable!

HAHA. what an entertaining clip.

A woman comes on the show to complain how her husband is the most patriarchal person on earth.

(ahah, how desperate was she to come on TV just to make her husband listen.)

The fact that the entire studio, including the men, were so enraged by his sexist behaviour

actually makes this not enraging to me, but heartening instead. :D

This is why mothers and grandmothers who dote or wait on their sons/grandsons like they're kings really, really make me mad, because they create men like this. Women who perpetuate the sexist system make me mad the most; what is wrong with you, I say.

Raise good men;

don't spoil them! goodness.

I've been sitting in the Tampines library; in fact, for the second time this week.
And I've had company this time whilst I slog through these case reports;
J is also having her medical residency exams soon-ish,
and so we park ourselves at a table with our work and study,
and take turns to visit the loo or have a bite.

It's nice. I feel like I'll be a student forever.
(Although I'm not a student; I'm just writing reports,
and getting distracted by the books I spy over J's shoulder.)
This feels familiar,
and seems to be a constant repetition or cycle over the years.
Although, tell J that she has to sit for yet another horrendous exam in the future,
and she'll likely give me a straight NO, with the exasperated look and accompanying eye roll.




I have no other reason for this post,
other than that moments like this one,
in a cocoon of friendly comfort, calm, and familiarity,
... feel like they should be cherished and treasured.
Alhamdulillah.

someone shared this at the big team meeting yesterday,
and I love it.

It's nothing new, really. We all know this by now.

If you're a fox, be a fox.

Don't try to be something you're not;

you're bound to fail.

(theme of the year again: self-awareness)

 Where is my wise owl. ): Where can I find my wise owl. 

 --- 

 Haha, and this!

 

"You can't move my Fi; what, are you kidding! 

Where is a collection of INFPs that have made it, that have figured out this dilemma, that have got their Fi's and their Te's to work together? How have they reconciled their strong internal moral values and this crazy, belligerent, dumbass tribe?"

haha, totally how I feel on certain days. 

crazy, belligerent, dumbass tribe that sometimes seems 

like the reason for all my misery on earth;

I'm remembering something else someone said on a variety show:

that people are often the source of our difficulties,

but people are also the source of great comfort, and beauty, and love.

oh, humans. 💜 why you so complex.

We do a great disservice to boys in how we raise them. We stifle the humanity of boys. We define masculinity in a very narrow way. Masculinity is a hard, small cage, and we put boys inside this cage.

We teach boys to be afraid of fear, of weakness, of vulnerability. We teach them to mask their true selves, because they have to be, in Nigerian-speak -- a hard man.

In secondary school, a boy and a girl go out, both of them teenagers with meager pocket money. Yet the boy is expected to pay the bills, always, to prove his masculinity. (And we wonder why boys are more likely to steal money from their parents.)

What if boys and girls were raised not to link masculinity and money? What if their attitude was not "the boy has to pay", but rather, "whoever has more should pay". Of course, because of their historical advantage, it is mostly men who will have more today. But if we start raising children differently, then in fifty years, in a hundred years, boys will no longer have the pressure of proving their masculinity by material means.

But by far, the worst thing we do to males -- by making them feel they have to be hard -- is that we leave them with very fragile egos. The harder a man feels compelled to be, the weaker his ego is.

And then we do a much greater disservice to girls, because we raise them to cater to the fragile egos of males.

We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller.

We say to girls: You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man. If you are the breadwinner in your relationship with a man, pretend that you are not, especially in public, otherwise you will emasculate him.

But what if we question the premise itself: Why should a woman's success be a threat to a man? What if we decide to simply dispose of that word -- and I don't know if there is an English word I dislike more than this -- "emasculation".

A Nigerian acquaintance once asked me if I was worried that men would be intimidated by me.

I was not worried at all -- it had not even occurred to me to be worried, because a man who will be intimidated by me is exactly the kind of man I would have no interest in.

Still, I was struck by this. Because I am female, I'm expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Marriage can be a good thing, a source of joy, love, and mutual support. But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage, but we don't teach boys to do the same?

-- Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, "We Should All Be Feminists"

This lady has a fixed spot in my favourite ladies list. So brave. She writes this stuff that I (and I'm sure many other women too) already think and feel and experience on a daily basis, and makes it so clear and stark and apparent for the world to see. Unapologetic about the way she feels. Whereas, I, even to quote these bits on this blog, hesitated.



Some time after I finished reading Chimamanda's essay, Terry Crews (of the famous Brooklyn Nine-nine) gave a testimony as a man, joining the #metoo movement, recounting his own experience of sexual assault and then giving a very passionate account at the end of this clip about his growing conviction against toxic masculinity.

I cannot tell you how much this warmed my heart. 💗 Thank you, God! for men like this.

They exist, and it's sad that I often feel like they don't.

You will learn by reading
But you will understand with love.

~ Rumi

The moment you accept what troubles you've been given,
the door will open.

~ Rumi

💙💜💚

This is cool!

💜

This lady scientist explains that our emotions are basically what our brains make of physical sensations; our brains predict what these physical sensations are based on past experience and also our vocabulary. This explains a lot about what we speechies see in individuals with language difficulties -- emotions are so entwined with the language that we use, such that changes in linguistic competency often correlate with behaviour and emotional well-being.


This also gives credence to the nature vs. nurture dilemma -- it's been a debate because it's both, isn't it? Yes, individuals have certain innate patterns of predictions as well as particular sensitivities to surroundings (Highly Sensitive Persons, duh! who actually have more severe physical responses to anything since infancy), but it is also partly their past experience that shapes the brain predictions. So parenting and caregiving matter as well. So if a highly sensitive child feels such a stark physical sensation in response to an environment, his parents' language and responses tell him how to make of what's happening -- and this just accumulates over time and creates a person's worldview. It really shows how much the parent impacts a child, and how an emotionally-stable parent creates an emotionally-stable child, the parents' worldview informs the worldview of the child; and the best thing a parent can be to a child in every aspect I can think of, is a role model. To me, this is an almost-revelatory insight. (And I've been thinking that maybe the toughest child to deal with on hindsight is the highly sensitive -- aka yours sincerely -- because even if you are the best person you think you can be as a parent, your highly sensitive child who scrutinizes the parent model will find out your flaw. Hah! Congratulations for giving birth to an extremely perceptive and sensitive child.)

I love it when dots are connected.


The question then becomes how (or how difficult it is) to overcome a lifetime of poor brain predictions, ahah.

physical sensations + past experiences + emotional vocabulary --> current predicted emotion


variables you have control over:
*emotional vocabulary
*personal experience -- we need to create patterns of experience that allow varied and alternative predictions

hmmm, I wonder if one can desensitize oneself from certain physical sensations...

first off,

Selamat Hari Raya!



First day raya was strategically a Friday, which allowed whole-day raya-visiting for the entirety of the long weekend -- it's been fattening, heart-warming, and exhausting.


For a while in Ramadan, I had I-should-shut-down-my-blog feelings the likes of which I hadn't had in a long time, which came along this time with deep reflection and feelings of regret, but now I'm no longer deep in the pit; now, there are feelings of having been cleansed and having forged a newer self, insya Allah. What I'm realising just now is that maybe, those feelings of regret when I was younger may have meant that I was more rapidly growing and learning and realising how I could have done better. But as a full-blown adult, this occurs less. As adults, I think that perhaps people get to a point where they feel like they've fully developed or matured and start to plateau and do things the saaaame way without really looking back or realising how things could have been done better, or that they could have been better. Unless something external that happens perhaps forces them to change. How many of us are actually driven to better our internal selves?


I have happy/positive thoughts/reflections at the moment that need to be put list-like
because it's super-duper late and I cannot really focus to produce proper prose:

*amidst the expected jibes/comments about why I'm not married yet when virtually everyone else is (which I must add I'm dealing with far better than I expected -- a good sign of my developing core self), someone asked me about work and asked about my future plans with my career, Was I going to open a clinic? How long was I going to stay in this job?: to which I answered after a beat, Until the time it feels right to go. I have blogged briefly about this previously: about how I've lived my work via my intuition and it has never felt more right than when I do. What was significant about it this time was that I was telling someone this unabashedly. I'm going to do what I'm doing as long as it feels right, and I'll go do something else when something else feels right. I have learnt that this is not typically how people make their decisions, practical as they are; but this is mine and I have always been grateful for the times I've followed my heart and gut (with some gentle tempering, but not interference!, by head).

I have a dream of being fully like this;
fully aware of the way I am and being unabashed about it.
I am a dreamer and it is awesome. 
I will achieve my dreams, even if you don't believe it.

Like Ralph Waldo Emerson said:

It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion;
it is easy in solitude to live after our own;
but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd
keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.

Insya Allah I will try and emulate this greatness,
and not have to want to run to a cave to live with my opinions.

*This personality of mine also explains why Kafka on the Shore appeals to me so much:

"Mr Hoshino?" 

"Yup?" 

"That's it." 

"What do you mean-- that?" 

"The place Nakata's been searching for." 

Hoshino looked up form his map again and gazed into Nakata's eyes. He frowned, looked at the sign, and slowly read it again. He patted a Marlboro out of the box, put it between his lips, and lit it with his plastic lighter. He slowly inhaled, then blew smoke out the open window. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes, this is it." 

"Chance is a scary thing, isn't it?" Hoshino said. 

"It certainly is," Nakata agreed.

Well, maybe it isn't chance, is it. Maybe there's no such thing as chance.

*what you say, and what you write about really speaks volumes about who you are.
I was struck by this again when I was reading a-famous-person's blog.

*which makes me glad most of the time how obscure my blog is, because it frees me to be as real as possible but with an element of an audience, that allows me to write differently than when I blog in private. An audience forces you to be more thoughtful about your words, and to take the perspective of someone who may not know or understand the same things, and to try and convey issues and meaning convincingly. A private blog basically has me cursing, complaining, key-smashing, praying, lamenting, without explaining anything. It's different. Writing is a beautiful and complex process that people underestimate.

*parent-child relationships are probably one of the most, if not the most, important human relationships in existence. I've come to appreciate this deeply over the past year. I see it in social situations too, and then I relate it to myself, about how parent-child dynamics or lack thereof basically impacts an individual for life. It makes sense then that after Allah and Rasulullah s.a.w., we should next be grateful to our parents.

*this isn't easy to do if some parents are not angels (in fact, none of them are!) and some are far from being one. But I've reflected that maybe, that's the point? One is supposed to learn and accept that even the ones from whom one expects the deepest and most unconditional love, will inevitably disappoint you. This is shattering to a human psyche. But again, that's the point. Because you are meant to look for a higher love; the love of God, the divine. Divine love is the highest and purest form of love that will never disappoint. God is infinite; but humans are limited, and we can all learn to love them as they are.

*this also means that once you have an infinite source from which to derive love (i.e. God), it enables you to love freely and adequately other human beings. Half the problems in the world are caused by human beings who were not loved well enough when they were young and subsequently become troubled, damaged, and then do terrible things in the world. May all of us be led to divine love in order to heal ourselves and become whole.

*it's proven yet again: the cliche Love makes the world go round.

💜

Ramadan is a time for reflection of the self.


If there's anything that I'm doing like crazy now,
it's looking back on myself.
And I feel like a complete mess;
like I've messed up so much in my life.
It's a struggle not to fall into despair,
and to retain some semblance of calm and equanimity,
and to keep hoping that some day,
you may be a better servant,
and the days will get better.

There are always times I wonder if I will ever get out of feeling heartbroken.


And then I would wonder if it's ingrained in my personality -- because of my strong Fi and weak Te. As a roll on from the previous post, I've been thinking non-stop about my self (and the people around me) and trying to grapple with my own cognitive functions and biases. Because of my strong Fi (introverted feeling function), I am a hopeless romantic and have a very strong passion for my own ideas and notions and ideals, and it just sets me up for heartbreak again and again and again whenever I square with reality; I lack the Te (extroverted thinking function) that analyses the real world and enables one to navigate it successfully. I am constantly living in resistance to the external world and it takes its toll.

SO, yes, since last year, I've talked incessantly about discipline, and what that is in some sense is having a good Te. A good knowledge of the details of reality and how to make what you want to happen work. I have a gazillion ideas about what should happen (because of my crazy, seriously high Ne function haha), but I can't make half the ideas happen more than half the time.

I am going to make YJ my Te shifu, haha, whether she wants to or not.
She's the closest friend I have who has strong Te --
mostly because strong Te people probably can't stand me and my drifti-ness.
She will be Chiaki to my Nodame! Hahahaha.



Rasulullah s.a.w. said: Speak the truth even though it be bitter.

He s.a.w. also said: Fulfillment is not plenty of goods; rather, it is self-fulfillment.

~ The Content of Character, Ethical Sayings of the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w.

Someone needs to expound on what this self-fulfillment means; does it mean self-actualization? The Arabic words were "ghina an-nafs". I think I've seen other people translate this hadith as Richness is not that of material wealth but richness of the soul. Shaykh Hamza chose to translate richness of the soul as self-fulfillment. Hm.


---


Separate fangirling post:

This is an excellent blog post explaining Outro: Tear, the last song on BTS's Love Yourself: Tear album. And there's this bit in the beginning too, where the author says:

In early works of BTS,  the songs in an album felt like…. collection of interesting short stories in a book.  But now the songs of their albums feel more like chapters in a long novel (or even novel series), bound in a more cohesive way to each other.

Love Yourself:  HER is like that….  There’s a progression of ideas and moods as you listen to the album from beginning to end.  I especially liked the seemingly bright and idealistic feel (with subtle discordant feeling underneath) of the songs at the beginning of the album…that gets more and more dark and double-edged in meaning as the album progresses.

Love Yourself: TEAR is even more cohesive.  The songs start off dark and pessimistic but progressively get brighter this time, only to surprise with the darkness of the Outro: Tear.   The lyrics seem slightly repetitive when you read all the songs together as there are some overlap of the same ideas in multiple songs.  But I guess that’s what you’re supposed to do during what would pass as the “climax” of such a long series – you hammer in the point with varied ways you can explore the main topic of the series.

Yesssss, a 100% yes. This is exactly what it feels like. As the boys have grown into men, the story arc of their music has also matured and deepened and is more amazingly worded. BTS is not just a boyband; they are telling stories, people! That is why they have such a massive following and why I am obsessed (on top of the fact that they bait people with good looks, catchy music, awesome dancing, and adorable personalities and amazing teamwork; presentation is always important, deshou?); because good stories are symbolic and resonate deeply with humans. And I am a book nerd; is there an easier way to bait me?


By the way, Outro: Tear -- please, it is so sad.
You are reinforcing my broken heart, BTS.

Farewell is my tearWithout my knowing, it blooms on the corner of my eyesThe words we could not say in the end, stream downAnd regrets crawl on my face.  

...

Woo take it easy,  cut out the heart slowlyYes yes,  Over the cut pieces,  step on themRegrets, regrets, so that I would not have any such remainingTear into pieces and burn my heart to a crisp 

I must say the biggest reason I’m translating this song is my need to geek out over Suga’s choice of words for “step on.” The terms he used for “step on” is an old Korean word and is not used in normal speech in modern-day.  Most Koreans are very familiar with it though, as it appears in the very well-known poem, “Azaleas” by Kim Sowol. You can read extended meaning of this poem here, and geek out with me too. 

The Korean Azaleas grow wild, often as the first flowers to bloom in spring.  They’re edible too, so kids pick them and eat them.   They’re also baby pink, not the darker reddish pink that Westerners are often familiar with. To “step on” the azaleas in this poem gives the impression of stepping on all the purity, innocence and happiness… an act of cruelty and indifference. Which emphasizes the careless cruelty when used in this song.

Sugaaaaa, so brutal but poetic. 💔

omgosh this is so good.

For more than half my life, I've always liked anything that helped me understand the self better -- hence all the MBTI and personality types etc etc that has littered my personal readings and obsessions. I used to see it as a way of categorising and understanding people, and there is much utility in that; it helps me get why certain people I know react in certain ways or are sticklers for certain things.

But now, especially since last year I think, and as I've endeavoured to cultivate a growth mindset: I've come to appreciate that understanding your personal inclinations basically means that you then have to consciously cultivate other areas that may be your blindspots, so that you become a more holistic and considerate person.

So, as a dominant introverted feeling person for instance, I have to consciously take into consideration, other peoples's values when I make my decisions, understanding that while I may prioritise my personal beliefs, doing so may trample on my tribe's values and beliefs -- and I have to consider how to reconcile this tension (or otherwise remain an apparent alien and constant instigator). And as an extroverted intuitive who gathers patterns from my surroundings, I have to be extra conscious and observant of the real facts before I spot my patterns! I am extremely conscious and aware of this now. I am very prone to making leaps in my pattern-spotting; but now, I'm more afraid that I may have created patterns from limited data. I have to exercise my weak Se skills and consciously practice more conscientious data-gathering.

This guy summarises it pretty well: it's not that your personality means that you can't use all those other functions that are not you. Everyone is capable of functioning in every way and manner. Your job in achieving your potential is to develop your other weak functions. As an example, he says that truly successful people (regardless of their type) would exhibit all four deciding functions:

Fi: they pursue an internal belief or idea passionately

Fe: they've got other people to believe in it too

Ti: they know their own stuff inside and out

Te: they ensure it works for other people or is understood by other people too

As an Fi (INFP), I often spout my personal beliefs and passions without caring what other people think. But I have to empathise and share this beyond myself to make an impact (my weak and missing Fe); I feel like if there's a place that I do this, it's at work at least. (: Sadly, not so much my personal life yet. I have strong Ti friends (hehe, E especially) who are so strongly Ti that they are always in danger of becoming obscure to others because they often don't bother to pander to others' apparent lack of understanding in their area of interest. People who write crazily condense or obscure material or have an impatience with incompetence, tend to be strongly Ti people, I think. (This guy who makes this video is an INTJ and I can tell, can't you? He is going on rapidly and is sometimes hard to follow, despite the fact that he's trying to help people understand this whole intricate personality system.)

This is so interesting. Alhamdulillah! To cultivating a more integrated self.

I look back on my self (even just months back) and I feel regret about the way I react or interact;

but I've learnt that having regret is not necessarily a bad thing. (No regrets! is a common phrase eh.)

Because as Brene Brown said,
having regrets means that you're learning. 
You regret that your past self didn't know what you do now.

---

in relation...

The Prophet, Rasulullah s.a.w. said:

Keep God in mind wherever you are; 

follow a wrong with a right that offsets it; 

and treat people courteously. (At-Tirmidhi)

Love for humanity what you love for yourself. (Ibn Majah)

~ The Content of Character: Ethical Sayings of the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w.

(which is awesommmmmmme),

Translation and Introduction by Hamza Yusuf,

Collected by Shaykh Al-Amin Ali Mazrui

I feel like the area of life I've gotten a grip with via intuition is my work.

From the moment I decided to become a speechie,

to the times that I've stuck to my chosen areas of specialty and interest,

and even now to the fact that I've jumped ship to be in a mainstream school setting

-- I've let myself be guided by that feeling of rightness 

and not caring so much about what people think or say;

and work-life has been a thorough joy and fulfillment. 

I feel like I'm in the absolutely right place in my work life.

I didn't get bothered by colleagues who probably wondered 

what on earth, S, you're the only one from the hospital jumping-ship into this crazy world of DSP.

I didn't get bothered by my brother and my dad who throw up their hands at me,

for being slow on the money-making ventures (i.e. setting up my own clinic etc etc).

I know with a deep conviction, that I'm in the right place in my career.

And it is only confirmed by the endless opportunities that 

keep coming at me and laying so nicely at my feet.

Amazing work I'm continuously excited about.

It doesn't mean it never gets hard;

but it does mean that I do things I'm a 100% about

and that I feel guided.

There is that voice inside that will tell you,

if you let it, how to deal with life in the best way, for you. 

I choose to believe that it's divine. (You may not think so.)

But you have to set your anxieties aside, 

shut the world out (at least that's how I do it),

and listen.

Listen, S.

(And then after that, the work starts.

What's necessary are courage and discipline, to follow through.

Ganbatte, S!)

stepping into my storm

I'm finally reading Kafka on the Shore and slowly growing to like it more and more. 

I feel like Murakami may actually be my cup of tea.

Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

~ Kafka on the Shore, Haruki Murakami

Americanah wrenches at my heart in small, subtle, and unexpected ways.

At the Abuja Airport on his way back to Lagos, he thought of going to the international wing instead, buying a ticket to somewhere improbable, like Malabo. Then he felt a passing self-disgust because he would not, of course, do it; he would instead do what he was expected to do. He was boarding his Lagos flight when Kosi called. 

"Is the flight on time? Remember we are taking Nigel out for his birthday," she said. 

"Of course I remember." 

A pause from her end. He had snapped. 

"I'm sorry," he said. "I have a funny headache." 

"Darling, ndo. I know you're tired," she said. "See you soon." 

He hung up and thought about the day their baby, slippery, curly-haired Buchi, was born at the Woodlands Hospital in Houston, how Kosi had turned to him while he was still fiddling with his latex gloves and said, with something like apology, "Darling, we'll have a boy next time." He had recoiled. He realized then that she did not know him. She did not know him at all. She did not know he was indifferent about the gender of their child. And he felt a gentle contempt towards her, for wanting a boy because they were supposed to want a boy, and for being able to say, fresh from birthing their first child, those words "we'll have a boy next time". Perhaps he should have talked more with her, about the baby they were expecting and about everything else, because although they exchanged pleasant sounds and were good friends and shared comfortable silences, they did not really talk. But he had never tried, because he knew that the questions he asked of life were entirely different from hers.

I relate to this so much. How do we account for such things? That people are just different? At a different frequency? We should always attempt to bridge connection with anyone, right (shouldn't we?), but as I grow older, I also grow more cognizant of how differently I perhaps see the world. My current internal struggle involves having to square with this very fact: that most people don't see the way I see the world, and that I can't fault them for that. I can't get angry that some people don't get it. Actually, don't we all see the world differently? I don't know. It's all very confusing, and leaves me a heartache.

a quarter of the way through Ramadan!
energy level is already dropping --
ganbatte, S.




And now that you don't have to be perfect,
you can be good.
-- John Steinbeck, East of Eden


Have not read this book, but feel like I should.
I saw this quote in passing the other day,
and it has stuck in my brain for a while now,
like a mantra for the state of life I'm in.

This is so beautiful.

💔

and currently my favourite from the new album,

Love Yourself: Tear.

why do beautiful things make my heart ache so much. 

Bloomed in a garden of loneliness,

a flower that resembles you,

I wanted to give it to you -

After I take off this foolish mask

But I know I can never do that,

I must hide because I'm ugly

I am afraid, I am run-down, I'm so afraid,

That you will leave me again in the end,

I wear a mask again and go to see you

What I can do is in the garden, in this world

I bloom a pretty flower that looks like you

and breathe as the me that you know

But I still want you......


---

yes, Taz!

:) BTS, thank you for the Magic Shop for all of us.
Let's all continue to work hard,
give out positive vibes,
and be happy!

Between what is said and not meant,
what is meant and not said,
Most of love is lost.

-- Khalil Gibran

I'm reading Americanah now, and this is another wonderful, wonderful story
that is equally a study of human culture, and humanity, and connection --

Obinze and Ifemelu -- goodness, they feel so real.
It's so real, I think, the situation of having lost someone
because of 'circumstances'. Almost common.
what is meant and not said.



I can't help but connect it to BTS's latest song release, Fake Love.

If you can't love yourself, you can't be yourself;
and when you are not yourself, it's fake
-- and love will not last.

The whole music video depicts how all the fake personas

eventually suffer, break, and shatter; they cannot be sustained.

  If you're untrue to yourself, the love won't last. ~ RM

Happy Ramadhan!

:))))

I am psyched at the start of this month,
and hope to stay psyched for as long as I possibly can,
if not all the way through.
I have personal goals I want to achieve too,
Alhamdulillah.



And I just finally accepted and understood for myself,
in conjunction with the advent of this blessed time:
the truth that love conquers all.

It's cheesy, and cliched, but as I've posted here many times previously:
such things are more often than not very true.

Why do I say this? Because for a while now,
getting very angry and upset, at a lot of things,
seemingly more than justified to me, has made me grapple with managing my rage,
and wrestling with the concept of forgiveness.
I pondered and ruminated and puzzled and agonized a long time on it, and had discussions,
and struggled to come up with an understanding or conclusion or solution...

until I thought of the Prophet s.a.w.,
and thought of how he forgave so many people --

the people of Taif who threw rocks at him s.a.w. and treated him atrociously,
when all he wanted to do was talk and share his message --
but when asked by the angels if he wanted to be rid of them,
he said, "No, they don't know any better." and prayed
that the children of Taif would have their hearts opened instead.
(which they did of course in future generations)

the people of Makkah,
who killed so many of his beloved companions and uncles and family --
but upon the Prophet's reconquest of Makkah, he forgave them unstintingly.
His enemies were pretty much stunned, I think. They had expected to be massacred in revenge.
(this act of unprecedented kindness moved so many more to follow the Prophet s.a.w.)

I had started to think, how could he do this, this amazing man?
and realised that the pervasive and all-encompassing love that he had for people and humanity,
a sort of balanced love that did not consume but spread like a balm over others,
was what enabled forgiveness.
A giving-ness that allows space and growth -- a "Oh, they do not know any better."
that allows you to love them for their humanity anyway.
Every human is trying his or her very best.

It's easy to mistake endless love and kindness as stupidity,
far too easy,
but in truth, there is so much power in simple love and kindness, that transcends.
And I would actually be stupid if I remained blind to this.

And that's what I shall strive towards bit by bit
through all the corners of my heart.

Insya Allah, Amiiiin.

Well, this was very self-affirming! 💕😄

I could do with more EFs in my life who reach out to others to show their love.

This ENFJ girl was very spot-on about INFPs I feel.

INFPs are more interested in peace than success.
INFPs secretly let their freak flag fly -- totally! I pin my BTS keychains to my work trolley bag, and use cutes-y pens (that make Datin S roll her eyes -- there's her J behaviour shining through), and at some subconscious level my doing so helps me see who to me appears 'fake' or overly concerned about appearances and conformity by the way they react to it; because God knows I have such an issue about people who do things for convention's sake. I have a very severe disdain (sometimes too much, even I think to myself) for people who put on so much to pretend to be part of the 'in' group or even to be accepted. Looking back, in my entire life I was never the one who exerted effort to be included, but instead gravitated around until I felt comfortable with a group of people who were more likely to accept me for who I am. Now that I'm older, I understand that to a lot of people, this seems like an aloofness or a she's-in-her-own-world business or a she-can't-be-bothered-to-befriend-others but it's only because internally, I have so much concern about who I needed to be, with myself. If you or your peer group are obviously the type to reject my unique person because I don't fit in to some standard, for some reason or other, then I'm sorry, I'll likely stay away from you. I cannot pretend; I simply, simply cannot pretend and play games. The few times in my life I had attempted to do so stick out in my memory nauseatingly. It sat so badly with me that I had to distance myself from it;  it sticks in my head like glue, like trauma.

It's very interesting the perspective this girl has about how the extroverted judging types go out into the world and try and figure out how the world works and then maneuver their way through it in life, whereas introverted perceiving types don't attempt to do that at all (and I'm a super extreme case, I know). Instead, introverted perceiving types work on armoring or equipping themselves so that no matter what's out in the world, they'd be able to handle it. But of course, as we all know, the sweet spot for success is probably in the middle of these two poles.

I feel like now, as I've been increasingly growing into my person, and I understand my personal inclinations, and the possible sources of their development, I feel poised at the brink of developing my other inferior traits. I need to develop my T function more, my S function and my stepchild J function. I am concertedly putting in effort at times, because these do not come naturally to me.

But I shall strive! because as Elaine Aron mentioned in The Highly Sensitive Person, it's almost an ethical imperative for people to fully develop their selves:

The Pursuit of Wholeness Through The Four Functions 

... according to Jung and von Franz, it is really an ethical imperative to take the time for it. Much of the irrational collective behaviour we see involves people projecting their inferior function onto others or being vulnerable to appeals to their inferior function, which the manipulative media and leaders can exploit. When Hitler was promoting German hatred of the Jews, he appealed to the inferior function of the particular group to which he spoke. When he spoke to intuitives, those with inferior sensing, he described the Jews as financial tycoons and evil manipulators of markets. Intuitives are often impractical and bad at making money. Intuitives can easily feel inferior and ashamed about their poor business sense, which makes it a short step to feeling victimized by anyone better at it. How nice to blame someone else for one's own lack. 

To feeling types with inferior thinking, Hitler portrayed the Jews as unfeeling intellectuals. To thinking types with inferior feeling, he said the Jews were selfishly pursuing Jewish interests, without any universal, rational ethics. And to sensing types with inferior intuition, the Jews were hinted to possess secret, magical, intuitive knowledge and powers. 

When we can spot our inferior function's inferior reactions -- its inferiority complex -- we can put a stop to this sort of blaming. Thus, it is part of our moral duty to get to know exactly how we are not whole.

super duper late, but I had finished all my work so late,
and then had a ball of a time to reward myself.
it does feel good to have finished work so thoroughly;
but now I'm on a high. and cannot sleep.


and it doesn't help that I'm getting so addicted to this Korean variety show on Netflix;
Heechul is totally the bad boy type girls hate to love, or love to hate;
him and the entire cast on this show are amazingly hilarious.

this is my most favourite clip from the show,

because Heechul actually looks bashful here, for once! haha

and it's clear he's actually really impressed by Mi-sun --

this lady is seriously so awesomely funny.

I could keep watching clips like this endlessly --
someone quipped, Someone do a doping test on Heechul, please.
HAHA because he is so crazy high sometimes, and it's addictive!

obviously Netflix buying over these shows and making them so convenient for me

is destroying my life, hahaaaah.

wednesday night happy vibes

ن ۚ وَالْقَلَمِ وَمَا يَسْطُرُونَ

-- Surah Al-Qalam

Nuun. By the pen and what they write.

This was so wonderful to learn about.

And there is nothing better

than to remember how wonderful the Prophet s.a.w. is.

The most wonderful and most beloved thing in existence.

💗

And then there's this which should be compulsory reading for every day:

لَقَدْ جَآءَكُمْ رَسُولٌ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ عَزِيزٌ عَلَيْهِ مَاعَنِتُّمْ حَرِيصٌ عَلَيْكُم بِالْمُؤْمِنِينَ رَؤُوفٌ رَحِيمٌ

فإِن تَوَلَّوْا فَقُلْ حَسْبِيَ اللّهُ لآ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ هُوَ عَلَيْهِ تَوَكَّلْتُ وَهُوَ رَبُّ الْعَرْشِ الْعَظِيمِ

-- Surah At-Tawbah, 128-129

There has indeed come to you a Messenger from among yourselves.

Grievous to him is whatever afflicts you; he is full of concern for you.

And most kind and merciful to the believers.

So, if they turn away, say: "Allah is sufficient for me. There is no God but He.

In Him have I put my trust, and He is the Lord of the Great 'Arsh."

This brings back to mind something that happened very recently, barely a week ago.

I had found my favourite necklace (the one I'd gotten from Japan with the little hanging bird and the lapis lazuli) all crazy knotted up and I was horrified. I couldn't untangle it. I was intermittently whining already, but kept at it for a while. I kept at it while watching some tv, wracking my brains for a solution to this crazy knot on my precious trinket. I'd even gotten a pair of needles to see if I could tease the metal bits apart.

And then in the midst of this minor distress, as I am wont to do, I metaphor-ize: life is kind of like this, isn't it? Life is hard. Things get knotted up in life and it seems impossible. (Not to mention that I'd also seen a Rumi quote about life and knots.) I'd gotten really sad by this point and wondered if I just had to live with a knotted-up necklace. Then I instinctively and almost-unthinkingly prayed on the Prophet s.a.w., and I kid you not: the knot fell apart in my hands like water. I remember releasing an audible gasp of disbelief intermingled with gratitude; like I'd witnessed a miracle, because it felt that way. I didn't even know how I'd done it -- one minute I was holding a needle and trying to poke it through the middle, and the next moment, the knot came apart and was gone.

I just --

It was amazing.

Ya Rasulullah,

I'd let you untie all my knots for me.

May you be foremost in my life

forever.

💚

I have many a-times considered creating a separate fangirling blog,
because here I am about to fangirl again --
spare me a few moments here:

on second watch,

listening and appreciating this made my heart ache.

 ohmygod, V, what are you saying.

these lyrics are beautiful.

not to mention V's haunting voice.

I tell you, the concept and symbolism in BTS is unparalleled --

So at first, when I watched this, I wasn't paying attention that well;

then someone had highlighted the fact that V jumped into the lake in previous MVs

and how he'd committed a crime to save someone.

A sound of something breaking

I awake from sleep

A sound full of unfamiliarity

Try to cover my ears but can't go to sleep

The pain in my throat gets worse

Try to cover it

I don't have a voice

Today I hear that sound again

It's ringing again, that sound

A crack on this frozen lake

I dumped myself into the lake

I buried my voice for you

Over the winter lake I was thrown

A thick ice has formed

In the dream I shortly went into

My agonizing phantom pain is still the same

Have I lost myself

or have I gained you

I suddenly run to the lake

There's my face in it

Please don't say anything

Reach my hand out to cover the mouth

But in the end, spring will come someday

The ice will melt and flow away

Tell me if my voice isn't real

If I shouldn't have thrown myself away

Tell me if even this pain isn't real

what was I supposed to do back then

ohmygoddd

who wrote this.

RM, is it youuuuu.

It's the pain of having made a sacrifice for someone

and perhaps, realising, 

my god, was it worth it,

what have I done.

do you love me?

Yes, this inability for women to be angry is something I can really relate to.

In fact, I have often been accused or looked at funny for being upset about things

that apparently are not directly related to me sometimes.

Men can tell when women are angry, you know. You shouldn't be angry.

This is supposed to be an accepted female wisdom,

and the first time I had to grapple with this as a young woman, I was speechless.

Speechless in the confusion of... what I'm feeling is wrong?

That was before I understood that feelings cannot really be wrong.

Feelings are only signposts to deeper meanings.

But people often fail to see the implications; the domino effect of consequences

from seemingly small 'inane' behaviour that again tells us so much of the core issues;

that typically someone lacks respect for something or someone else.

fangirl moment 5221:

I really really really admire this boy.

Seriously, RM, you're an inspiration.

I say I don't have a bias in BTS because they're each so awesome

and I adore each of them to pieces --

but if I had to choose, I am floored by RM most of all.

He seems to have such intelligence, and wisdom, and humility,

reads books and puts them into his music,

talks about authenticity and honesty and making art that inspires,

and is in a dancing, rapping, singing boy group.

How is that not a winning combo on its own.

When asked by NHK Japan:  

What's your dream now, after five years' debut and worldwide recognition?

RM:

When we finish our work at the end, if BTS as a group and our history itself becomes a work of art, that would be our dream. I believe music lies above language.

I really really like this 💜

Ah, such nuanced thinking!

This lady is such a bright and brave intelligence.

"The reality of lived experience is very different."

She mentioned a little about humans being emotional beings.

But how often we treat situations as though humans aren't, eh.

I've come to realise in recent times,
that it's extremely important for emotional and mental health,
to embrace your own feelings. One of the toughest things in life
is denying or repressing your feelings repeatedly and consistently, such that it will fester,
perhaps for years, leading inevitably to depression.
But understanding how you feel, acknowledging it, and accepting it,
even when others won't is the key to a well-adjusted inner life. This was the life-changing thing
that I learnt last year. It's been the biggest growth for me in recent times and something
I'm constantly needing practice at.

It is very hard to be kind when you don't give voice to your feelings because
it makes you feel devalued and downtrodden, and then resentful, and that's not kindness, is it,
when you do something begrudgingly, instead of wholeheartedly.

My likely being an HSP (i.e. a highly sensitive person) who senses nuances in words and actions
and then makes conclusions regarding their implications,
leads me to feel a myriad of emotions on a daily basis, and this is exhausting, let me tell you.
I actually think this is why I escape into books.
It gives me respite and lets me switch off about people.

Half the time, people don't seem to realise the messages they're sending out by what they say and do,
and then they claim not to intend any ill-will, which may be true -- but crashing your car against me by accident still means you crashed your car. So you know, I'm learning slowly, that I'm getting these messages and they make me feel a certain way and instead of hating myself for feeling these things (that most people will invalidate should I even attempt to explain them), I tell it to myself instead. And I tell myself how and why I'm feeling it. I talk myself through it. Then I'll have to make a decision about how to act. This way, I don't hate on my heart, but love myself instead. That helps me be a better person in the long run, insya Allah.

On the flipside, I can see the value of this trait of mine. Alhamdulillah, I actually think this highly sensitive side of me is what helps me do my work. The ability to sense every sound, expression, action or word from the children I work with helps me tune in so wholly with them; I make conclusions about what they're thinking and feeling at every moment and instance, and react accordingly. When you react to how people feel, they respond to you, because indirectly, you're telling them you care. This helps me connect with them, and 'crack' them -- as my colleague and I used to say.



When I was about 9 or 10, I think, I attempted to write a poem. I'm quite sure it wasn't very good. In fact, I was feeling nervous about it, but I wanted to do it anyway. It must have been for Mother's Day or something, because I had then handed it over to my mum, along with my siblings, who each had their own gifts for her. I honestly don't remember much else at all of that day, but I remember starkly my mother's response to my gift. She was pleased as mothers would to receive anything from their child, but off-handedly, jokingly said something like, "Why are you like this..." in response to my poem. If I could describe what happened... I think my young childhood self shrank inside. The message that I had gotten, was how wrong it was, but being so young, not knowing what exactly was wrong. Just a general sense of wrongness in being emotional, I think, and attempting a poem of all things! This is what I mean by the messages that even as a child, I read in others.

Of course, my mother did not intend any harm. But her opinion that an emotional, poetry-writing, silly child was not usual, and perhaps undesirable, was what came across from her response. And has clearly stuck with me for life. It doesn't matter what you actually superficially say or do, all of your being tells me otherwise. I think this is what I usually respond to with people; in fact, all of us underneath it all, respond in this way. Your intentions and opinion of others comes across in volumes, and that's what we react to; not superficial practised words. What do you really think of me? Do you respect me? And if we would all endeavour to check our intentions and feelings towards others, perhaps we would all get along better, no matter what we say.

💜

Personal life goal: Learning not to 'otherise', ever, with anyone.