it's now a yearly thing?

So yes, it's been a year; and I shan't over-analyse for now.

I recently finished a little memoir by a little old lady in Japan called "Happy On Her Own At 102" by Tetsuyo Ichii. (I recently learnt she's still living, now aged 106!) It's so lovely and heartwarming, and makes me think about how the simple things are what make happiness. The waking up every day and doing the necessary hard work of life, the meeting and caring for the people we love, and going to sleep with a grateful heart. She writes these simple descriptive diary entries in her 102nd year of life -- and I guess it inspired me to just come back and write again. It doesn't have to be amazing every day; but you just have to turn up and report. (Here is me reporting for 2026.)

"Today is Setsubun. In this festival, you throw as many beans as years you've lived, but look how many I've got! Both my hands are full. It reminds me that I've hit the milestone of one hundred. When I think of each year of my life as a little bean, those years seem so lovable."

"I think it was after I turned eighty that I started to let go of the things that were only taking up unnecessary space in my brain by me worrying about them. Yes, I started to give up a lot faster than I used to, but that's not a bad thing. If someone spoke badly of me, I would simply feel a bit sorry for them. If someone only ever boasted and bragged, then I would simply let them be. I decided to put a lid on that ever-jealous part of my heart and instead put that energy into complimenting people. They are them and I am me. It is no surprise that there are differences. I decided that living a happy life would be satisfaction enough."

In other fangirling news, I was reading fics (can you believe it! I stumbled upon some decent ones) of the insanely-popular cdrama, The Pursuit of Jade, and I pondered upon something. 

[SPOILER ALERT!]

I really get it why Chang Yu was so insanely mad to find out that Yan Zheng was the Marquis. It was more than that he had been lying the whole time; she said later on as well that she understood why he lied. It was that the future she had painted with this man was gone, even if the man was still there, and was offering apologies, his true self, and supposedly something more. 

I had a moment of epiphany about it. She was so happy to have Yan Zheng in Lin'an with her, and she had figured out about how things would work -- like okay, he could write his calligraphy stuff for money sometimes, and she would sell pigs for the daily, and she had started up Yixiang restaurant as well. Life was getting better for her and it was good. She had learnt to love this man and accept him, and would go to the ends of the earth to keep him safe, and then he pulls the rug under her and tells her, WHAT: I am so-and-so important person and have to lead this battle, I'm so sorry, I live in court and you would be the marchioness, will you love me just the same. I too would be so irrationally angry in the moment and throw the proposal back in his (gorgeous) face, haha.

I was reflecting how much if you're a planner of things, like you're always already anticipating how things should be and thought through things five steps ahead, throwing such a curveball just... messes up the plan and makes you want to scream. And here I always took myself as a drifter, go-with-the-flow sort of person; but as E used to say rightly enough for the both of us, we are more optimistic, and strangely enough in some ways, more practical, than we think. I have insane ideals that's survived to my maturity, but at the same time, I force myself before it can hit me in the face fully, to confront my practical realities. (In fact, I could say, that most of my internal agonies is from simulating scenarios wherein ideals and realities come to a head.) I do know what my general next steps in life would be.

My point being, yes, I would be irrational and get angry (at least for a time) even if someone gave me an alternate better pathway that I would actually like. It is ego at some level, and I say, give it some time. It's like, my brain put so much work into this! Give it some time as I learn to let go and embrace a new path. Just like Chang Yu who obviously warmed up to the idea of Xie Zheng, and became a general herself, on top of everything. Just a reminder for myself... to hold the rein of life loosely. I don't write the story, I live it. As they say, the plot twists God gives you may be better than the dreams you imagine.

Anyway, here's the OTP that has captured the hearts of women the world over; I haven't had an OTP I rooted for this much in so long. Chemistry is off the walls.

continuing on the topic of jdramas: this show broke my heart... then mended it all over again. 

(if you're intending to watch First Love, there are spoilers here!) 

The story is partly inspired by Utada Hikaru's First Love -- and now I'm binging her music as well.

I feel a little too old to fangirl, but, goodness, I can't hold back, this drama was a gorgeous masterpiece.  I can't believe I slept on this for so long. I feel like it's been eons since I enjoyed a Japanese romance. This was so good, I cried so many times through this story, and at the end, I wanted to keep this ship in my pocket.

Takeru Satoh and our leading lady, Mitsushima Hikari (I hadn't known her before), were just phenomenal. This is the best romance Takeru Satoh has ever done (despite my being biased for Inoue Mao in Why didn't I tell you a million times?). The flashbacks, and the slow revelation of the details in their relationship, were exquisitely done -- like at first, I was just utterly confused why they weren't still together if they adored each other this much, and why she seems more oblivious of the two. Until we find out the cruel circumstances of life.

Oh my gosh I want to alternately cry and gush over this. And kudos to this lady director -- the cinematography! The snow, blue, and green scenes of Hokkaido, and then the final set-up in Iceland. So, so beautiful. The story, the views, the couples.

where do dreams go to die?

 at the risk of sounding melodramatic.

Once again, I've let my writing lapse. It's been longer than it should. And I've finally circled back, I think because I've been binge-watching anything Takeru-Satoh-related (post a Rurouni Kenshin rewatch) and inadvertently worked through a series of tear-jerking jdramas, that's made me get into a mood; a reflective, quiet mood. Jdramas really do this well. Even the cheesy manga-esque rom-coms have moments where you're made to pause or still and look inwards.

I've been bawling over some stories recently, and it's finally made me feel the impulse to come back here. Then I read a couple of my past entries, and started tearing up... Just. 

The loss of idealism as time went on.

political relationships

What is everything but just relationships.

When something goes well at work, it's because I've made someone happy; or I've been made happy. Parents feel good, I feel good. The kid feels good, he's talking, I feel good. My colleagues feel good at therapy team meeting, they do good work, I feel good, I feel like I'm doing my job, my boss feels good. I have good partnerships with external parties and persons, they do good work for me, I feel good and get good work done too. Rather than being purely a 'good' worker, isn't it really about being good with each other? I've seen supposed good clinicians fared not so good in the organisation for not being good with people. (And isn't that a shocking observation; my early assumption was that therapists are essentially people-persons.) Don't take emotional intelligence and spiritual intelligence for granted. They aren't taught, but they're necessary.

And aren't relationships governing even world politics? Who's chummy with whom defines sides and finance and weapons support. It's all relationships. And if relationships affect power and effectiveness and success, then relationships can be, and are, politics. What was it Aristotle said? "The human is a political animal." Or something like that.

Is part of my trouble wanting relationships to be apolitical? 

But apparently even I know how to play it when I want to.

Something I read in the book Architecture of Happiness by Alain de Botton kept running through my mind today. That one of the principles of beauty in architecture was about the balance of chaos and order. That a straight line of buildings would be boring; but a straight line of buildings each with its own bursting colour and style would be a sight to behold.

A constant theme in my life is the struggle to maintain my chaos within the boundaries of order. Thankfully, I was born into an orderly family, and an orderly society (Singapore's national mental illness is apparently OCD), and a religion that provides a lot of order and structure. So my chaos has been successfully managed in most instances by these external factors. But I've realised that I've barely learnt to manage my own chaos on a personal level. Everything is often spilling over at the edges; often just on the border of not being sane; messy, disorganised, messy. Sometimes I do wonder if I have some version of high-functioning ADHD perhaps (as one of my close colleagues discovered in adulthood).

Anyway, my point being, order for all this chaos; that's the key.

hometown and the feelings triggered

Obviously my monthly writing arrangement did not materialise. I had half a mind to start writing monthly chapter reviews of this book I'd heard people talk about called, "Writing To Learn" -- but in between my other reading obligations and pleasures, that never happened either. (Or yet.)

I was on a binge rewatch of Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha today (prompted by Datin S and her brother rewatching it for the umpteenth time!); and in the midst of Hong Du Sik stuttering in front of Hye Jin about not knowing who he really was, I was struck by a wave of emotion. 

This round of watching has me appreciating Du Sik even more; not that we didn't already love him from the get-go, perfect boyfriend that he was. But I appreciated his backstory more now -- about wanting to run away back to his hometown and living this... other life. About making things simple and paring it down to a manageable day-to-day and a manageable network of people. I just... related so much to it suddenly. Granted he had fears he did not want to confront, but the essence was the same.

You return to this idyllic, dreamy place where all your roots are, and where your heart can rest. And that's what Du Sik did, and Hye Jin subconsciously did, and what we all simulate as we watch this show. The charm of Hometown is taking you away to this dreamy ideal; and then... you wonder, is this you, or the one you left behind you? Like Du Sik: is he the capable handy man and chief of the village, or the smart, high-flying SNU graduate climbing the corporate ladder? Of course, these two appear like opposite extremes, and life does not necessitate you choosing only one option... but I think it does remain a question, and a choice in some manner.

Truth be told, Du Sik reminds me of E (and Hye Jin reminds me of YJ -- but that's a different topic): in that each is capable of virtually anything if they wanted to, but they choose what seems perplexing to others. How was it Hye Jin described it -- a waste of good resources? I personally find it awesome. When else can you use your smarts for awesome things like making a boat or a house or enjoying the sea and the waves.

The seaside town of Gongjin reminds me of my trip to Udo Island (off Jeju) with E last year. I think Korean small towns (and perhaps islands) have this classic look: simple roads along the rocky coasts, simple cafes, and a lighthouse. There's also a roughness with the people, but at the same time, a familiarity? A chumminess and ease maybe.

Anyway, this show is hitting a little different; I've been feeling even more the urge to pause and settle in a small town haha, and awaaaaay from all the things tugging at me. I mentioned to L that maybe I'm reaching a mild burnout. And need deep rest. Not a weekend, not even a month-long holiday. But a quiet year or something, away from everything. Ah well, I can dream. And brainstorm on the real possibilities.

In the meantime, this beautiful song again, "Here Always":

And this funny compilation hahaha

the end of a pause

Ola!

I made a pact with myself to resume writing, after the inadvertent hiatus that was last year. This blog, except for the year 2023, has witnessed my life since my early teens. And now, I am back...

Because I believe I should write. Writing has served me, and while my life has changed and I can't quite enter the same writing rituals I was used to, I feel like... my soul needs this space. I need to start articulating again, beyond book club, haha. Book Club has grown quite admirably, and I have consistently used it, subconsciously or not, as the space for the expression of some of my inner life. But this blog: was the template. The haven for it. And I feel almost indebted, obligated, to come back.

So here is a first step, to the next segment of life. I'm not sure how my format will change, if at all. I might be more structured with my writing than I ever was previously, by necessity: so it's likely I will do a regular monthly posting (unless it strikes my fancy to slot in something in between). I'm not sure if I should speak on a theme, or let it free flow. I suppose I'll figure it out as we go along.

Ja!