I have to post because I have turned the BIG 21. O_O

ohgoshgoshgosh.

It feels like such a big event should be accompanied with fireworks and public broadcasting, not my sister's whining about tomorrow's school day. Like, becoming 21 has all these, I don't know, big connotations. The time when people look at you and finally make the judgement: "Wow, she's become a great woman." or not. And like. Wibble. I'm not sure how I fare.

I'm not miserable, I just feel unsure.

Let's see. I should record this moment when I turn 21. What am I doing right now? I'm sitting reclined on my bed, with beloved laptop, and of course blogging away. Ah. Blogging. Something that has endured the years, since I turned 14 or so. I've always loved to write, my being good at it another matter entirely.

And my sister just gave me my present! >.< She gave me NEWS Pacific cd! Plus some nice pics of Yamapi and all of them. Ohmygod, this must be so wrong. AHAHAHAH. I so totally squealed when I saw the size of the wrapped present, cause it was cd-size. I am so into Japanese Entertainment now, it's crazy. I'm just so helplessly fascinated. Ah yes. Another thing about me that has lasted till today - fangirling. One fandom after another, starting with dearest HP (the one and always). It's a part of me I both love and hate.

What else. I'm 21 but still studying. Well, that's the way it should very well be, eh. Just saying that, more than anything, I know about being a student. About that dreadful exam week I so resent; the time when you're just feeling awful; you know you have to study but you just don't feel like studying. yech.

I think I've also become more understanding of my mum. Especially recently, I've realised some things, and I've finally, I think, put that little rebel in me behind. My mum used to rub me the wrong way a lot of the time, but not anymore I think. Ah. I have matured a little, I guess.

Other than that, hm. Still loveless. Still the same. Part of me's glad. But. Not all of me.

But, truly, this moment, I AM HAPPY. Am talking to Eunice online and I just got my present from my sis. Little things like this make me happy. (:

To a great adult life.

I want to make this entry the last one in a long time. Cause I have to stay away and study. I'll go away with saying that the birds had a nice get-together this past wednesday! I miss us being together. And being crappy. And I want to post some photos. I hope you guys don't mind! I just thought the black and white photos were really nice.











:)

Ja!

I'm having a lazy day again. Don't want to budge into work! :(

My sis and me were rewatching Evil Bunny's Enjet-enjet Semut video last night. It is awesome; a classic. :) Here it is in case you haven't seen it. A must-watch for Malays.



Also, there's this jap song newly stuck in my head. It was a hit in Japan a few years back. I like it! >.< And I want to learn the chorus dance. Nya! And I seriously, seriously adore Yamashita Tomohisa (He's the one with the shorter hair in the vid). Incredibly cool lah. Here's Seishun Amigo by Shuuji to Akira.



The way to survive life is to be able to compartmentalise your ambitions, feelings and desires. I think. Anyway, last thing before I force myself into work: I've got a quote I like that I found in my brother's book, "The Game" by Neil Strauss.

In life, people tend to wait for good things to come to them. And by waiting, they miss out. Usually, what you wish for doesn't fall in your lap; it falls somewhere nearby, and you have to recognize it, stand up, and put in the time and work it takes to get it. This isn't because the universe is cruel. It's because the universe is smart. It has its own cat-string theory and knows we don't appreciate things that fall into our laps.

When I read that, I was like :( . How frustrating. I didn't know whether to scream or cry or laugh or what.

okay, time for work.

Triple crap. I need to stop watching these love stories and romance dramas and soap operas. It's turning my brain into complete mush, plus detrimental in like five million more ways. =_=

I do wonder if in essence, people never change at all. That the person you are, was the same whence you were born and will be the same the day you die. Like there's that very thing that just makes you you and you're supposed to have it always always or you wouldn't be you at all. You know? Or am I going around in circles?

Like maybe I'll always be an uber sap and eat up soppy stories like candy. And I'll always be the volcano-type of person; you know, someone who let's things bubble until everything explodes. Maybe. I'm not sure if I'm comforted or not by this theory.

This is a bit late, but Happy Maulid Rasul! (: May our love for Nabi s.a.w. grow ever stronger.

We celebrated at Kak Shida's place yesterday, with food and also a birthday cake for Mami Bee, it coincidentally being her birthday too. Food was yummy. The atmostphere was nice. Then at night, we watched Suhaimi Yusof's "Kelakar Rabak!" which was utterly random and damn funny. There were a number of short comedic skits that included a rather girlish Sultan, Panglimas armed with Jedi lightsabres and Terminator (who said when frustrated, "small-small don't want to die".) I also totally loved the comparison Suhaimi made between the Sultan and Dora the Explorer because of his short-cropped hair. Eh, ampun tuanku! Patik ingatkan Dora the Explorer tadi! Or something along those lines. gila! >.<

In the car. Note the triangle. My brother just got his licence and has become obsessed about practising.




And my dad in the front passenger seat being all kan-cheong about my brother's driving. "Eh, jangan melempah-lempah eh! Handbrake dah turun, handbrake dah turun???"


The birthday cake.


Kawaii ne! Babawok is so adorable.


My favourite kid in the world right now! Abbas, kid from the hood.





Today, I sat in CoffeeBean in Bugis (I love that place) to study for a bit, and after sitting for sometime, I realised that I liked the fact that a freakingly myriad range of people visited that place. There was this blond girl teaching a chinese dude english, a little girl who spoke japanese to someone on her mother's phone (kawaii again!), students with friends from cambodia (I accidentally overheard their conversation.), a group of deaf people interacting in sign language, a dad with his kids just back from madrasah and american tourists. I decided I liked the fact that Singapore was becoming highly multi-ethnic, cosmopolitan and global and all. You get to see so many different people. It just made me smile.

But then on the way home, when I had to battle my way through bugis junction, my enthusiasm dropped a couple of notches because unlike coffeebean, the mall was WAAAY crowded. Just looking at the people teeming from bugis village gave me shivers. It felt like geylang on raya night! I was so frustrated with the crowd, I felt like bashing people up just to clear the passageway. Couples strolling hand-in-hand especially infuriated me. (Honestly, if I were to go on a date, it would never be at a crowded mall.) GO HOME, PEOPLE. And oh yes, not to mention the national library; it was less a library and more a book warehouse sale. I felt so insulted, and practically left the moment I stepped in. Singapore just destroys the sanctity of libraries for me. So, I am kind of torn about the whole foreigners coming to Singapore thing. Because squeezing like a sardine into mrts is no fun.

okay, got to go watch letters from iwo jima for geog. essays to write.

Gaining true happiness requires one to put oneself in a position of extreme vulnerability. Yes, I think that's very true. Ohkay. No wonder it's hard.

I think the school semester is ending soon. :s I'm not ready.

am suffering from incredible emotional turmoil right now. oh what am I saying! I make a big deal out of every little thing. nyah.

Things I need to do:

1) Dredge up enough motivation to succeed. Am hitting humungous wall right now. And I know the desire is somewhere, buried deep. Just need to look for it again.

2) Breathe.

3) Get a grip.

4) Meet up with birds. ARE YOU GUYS BACK YET???

5) Write geog essay.

6) Watch Babel and Warlords.

7) Settle the thingy with turk.

8) Catch up with C++ lectures

9) Study combinatorics

10) BREATHE.

11) reinstall videoediting program into laptop

Went for mega karnival with aisyah, zahra and liyana today. Sad to say, it wasn't as meriah as it should be. We ate a whole batch of cookies, and muffins, and kuih. And I really really like Zubir Abdullah's songs. And we saw Adilah give her speech. But we left after maghrib, and ate at banquet.

Wah, damn ah. I can't take it anymore. Can cry. I wonder if people can actually die from bitter disappointment. So tired. The hope is truly worse than the disappointment. Okay, ignore me, I am being random and incomprehensible.

SIGH. But I had an interesting day today.

ackackack. I want to go to JAPAN! Cik An just came back and the photos are damn cool and I suppose it's cause of my current jap phase and all, but whatever it is, I really have to go to Japan one day. >.<

and I really think I should have gotten me a proper slr when I asked for a birthday present last year. I got a normal coolpix. Which I still do love. But since salman and hannan got their slrs, I'm like, "Hey, I should be doing that..." ): jealous lah. ah! kebodohan. why always like that.

It was out of the blue, but I suddenly thought of our story, the chain-story that we birds did throughout sec 3 and 4 and a little bit into JC. And a pang of sadness just hit me. I almost wanted to start crying. Hell, I feel like tearing now. It's just, I feel so inexplicably old. Like I've lost that part of my youth, maybe forever, and I miss it so much. And I miss, I don't know, something.

I bet most other people would recall their school life being that much more exciting than mine; I've always shunned the spotlight as much as I could. But I did have fun, in my own small ways. And I wish now I'd relished it more. Right now, I feel like.. I'm saying goodbye. And it's making me all despondent.

I suppose I'm not making sense.

Now that I'm facing my twenties, I feel like I'm preparing for battle. So much to do, and chase after, and worst of all, expectations to meet. I keep telling myself that if I reach thirty with chin up, I'll go celebrate big and sujud syukur. The fact is that, while I try hard to stay strong, and walk with a smile, and with a spring in my step, half the time, I'm just so crappily scared. Once again - potion for courage, where art thou? Maybe everyone feels a little like this, eh.

I pray, I hope.

So anyway, because I am a geek, I have to report on programming. For today's sit-in lab, I ALMOST GOT IT. I ALMOST DID. I swear. But then I realised I missed out something last minute, and so, the output was kinda wrong! :( If there was say half an hour left, I'm sure it could have been done perfectly. geram! But at least, I know now I'm getting better at this. The last take home lab scored a 95%. yoshi! (I'm still having a jap phase.)

Duck and Pigey coming back next week! something to look forward to. (:

There are days when God and the universe are on your side. I wanted to skip Combinatorics lecture today so I could go home and work on C++, and guess what? Roger Poh cancelled today's lecture to attend his son's passing out parade or something like that. Ahah.

Yes, keep smiling down on me, thank you. (:

It is amazing how much time I can spend on the internet. :s I should take like a one year off hiking in the hills or stg to reconnect with nature. Sometimes, the whole concept just scares me. I live in the cyberworld more than the real one. eh.

C++ midterm. ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE. The MCQs were hard but at least, you know, they were MCQs. But the open-ended - @_@. Really. I was holding my head in my hands and audibly telling myself not to panic, okay. It was reminiscent of RJ chem papers! LIKE DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO EVERYTHING. I was seriously hyper-ventilating. (I really wonder if taking up this module is shortening my lifespan in some way.) But amidst the panic, there was boiling rage.

When they said pencils down, I really felt like screaming, "Wtf kind of paper is this!!!" Damn angry ah. Unreasonable questions in unreasonably short time period! EESH.

Recently, I've had another epiphany (eheh, I like to call them that). I've had some hormonal revival or something. I've decided to be less of a depressed whacko, and lo and behold, I think I somehow am managing better. Like I'll be horribly upset about something, but it won't be long before I actually feel bouncy and happy again. Like actually, BOUNCY! (Okay, I sound nuts.) It's cause I make myself think of all the good things that I do have and I realise that I am happy about a lot of things, and so I slowly crawl out of my gloom.

I think I'm starting to sound really incoherent; but the essence is: I realise I'm happy, at the most basic, that I'm actually alive to feel all these ups and downs. I'm happy that I can wake up every morning. I'm happy that I still have my parents. I'm happy for my sister. Also my brother. Also my best friend, Eunice. Also for birds and mumu and jw and all my other friends. Also for all those people I've had the privilege to meet, or love, or hate. Also for my crazy but beloved obsessions.

And thinking in this manner just immediately trivialises whatever silly thing I was fussing about. And I can believe somehow, things will be all right. kudos to newfound perspective!

Current obsession: jap dramas. Manga adaptations are so so good. Watching Gokusen now. so cute lah.

Compaq is back! Fresh hard disk. Which means I lost everything before. But nevermind. At least compaq is up and running again.

As promised: photos from our outing to the zoo to celebrate mumu's birthday.

















That's it for now.

It is 1.45 am and I am so incredibly happy, I want to dance! :D I managed to successfully compile my first ever complex computer program and I can almost cry for joy. I am a nerd, I know.

yayyayayayay! I am not hopeless at programming after all. There is hope yet for me. :)

When I saw the "Awesomely Excellent" results, I wanted to collapse in happiness and relief. Thank you, thank you, thank you God. And I am so proud that I didn't take the entire night debugging! It is not even 2 am. I think I'm finally getting the gist of the approach to programming.

ohmygosh. I should celebrate with a long bout of tv tomorrow morning, and some nice eclairs from delifrance. Or stg. Haha.

I'm sorry to bore you with my nerdiness, but I am too happy. And I still feel like dancing. :p When I get back my laptop (hopefully, by tomorrow. don't good things come in pairs?), I shall post those photos that have been long-due and this place shall have less programming-related stuff.

G'night!

Laptop still not back. -________-

I've been thinking: the best things always come unprecedented. (I'm not talking about my sick laptop now. And there were omens of the crash.) But really. That's why people always say love begins with a show of hate, eh? It then catches you unaware, and all for the better. (Think Elizabeth and Mr Darcy.) Part of the beauty is in you having missed it in the first place, and you think, "How could I?".

Also, with regards to celebrities: There comes a point when you start to pity them. Fame really is a double-edged sword. When you can't walk the streets to get a can of coke you're missing out on the most basic freedom, I say. I love some celebrities, and when their discomfort becomes obvious as the cameras are flashing and the girls are screaming, I just start feeling extremely sorry for them, and pray they are able to find peace someplace. How horrible it must be. And I just wish fangirls would stop screaming sometimes. Can't you be silent and appreciative fans from a distance?

If ever I were to bump into a celebrity I love, I'd properly freeze like an ice block or at least feign indifference. Like Kak Naz, who worked in a 7-11 once, and Sheila Majid walked in with her dad to buy stuff, and Kak Naz pretended she didn't know them. And only started screaming when they left. HAHA. That's what I'd probably do. Which is dumb, because you could have gotten their autograph right.

I have work to do, which I can't make myself do. It's so utterly depressing. Everytime I think of programming, my blood turns cold, I swear.

My laptop is sick. :( I think it got overheated, and then the hard disk could no longer be accessed. So I took it to Challenger this morning. I am majorly DEPRESSED. Nothing takes away joy like ripping my beloved laptop from me. I sleep with my laptop, wake up with my laptop. Now dearest compaq is absent, and there's a hole in my heart. How do I live!

More realistically, missing laptop spells disaster - how am I going to catch up with my lectures now? (Thank god at least that the coming week is recess week.) And how am I going to complete my programming lab? (Just thinking of C++ gives me shivers, I tell you.)

And mumu must be annoyed by now, cause I still haven't put up her birthday outing photos. And now it's gonna be even more delayed! :( My dear laptop, get well soon.

Aside from laptop fiasco, I have to report a strange change in me - I've become scarily more rebellious. Not the superficial scream-at-your-parents kind. It's more the so-what-if-I-don't-live-the-way-I'm-supposed-to kind. I want to rebel against the me I've been all my life. To look out the window, and just take off. I'm there at the window now and I just want to go so bad.

I've been wanting to to put up my CNY family picnic photos! BUT NO TIME. I can cry. Programming is killing me. NO joke man. I have been brought to tears. Nothing is worse than this. Chemistry almost seems like heaven to this. Goodness. I should have done pharmacy with Eunice, I think.

And tomorrow, we have a sit-in lab = code and submit within 2 hours.

And someone posted something real funny but very true in the forums.

How a sit-in lab will probably turn out for me:

Log on/open browser etc 1 min

Reading the question 1 min

Understanding the question 10 min

Figuring out an algorithm 20 min

Typing it out into Sunfire 10 min

Debugging code 20 min

Realising I misinterpreted question 1 min

Smacking my forehead 1 min

Cursing and Swearing 1 min

Frantically Trying to figure out another algo 30 min

Finding out it's too late, stares into my impending doom 15 min

HAHA. But man. People who have not given this a go just have no idea of the absolute hear-tearing frustration of programming. You should look at my bedroom floor after a night of, literally, hair-tearing and sleepless frenzy over Lab 2 the entire night and early morning; but sadly, I couldn't work that either.

Am walking a path of doom here!

Ugh. The next time I post better not be about programming.

I am so incredibly disappointed. I spent half of yesterday figuring out code for my programming lab, and stayed up till 4.30am at my laptop, and I still couldn't work it. :( Seriously. Programming causes much heartache and insanity. I should have taken a photo of my ragged self on my bed, surrounded by piles of notes, with crazed, wide eyes. I kept rummaging through the freaking notes every 5 minutes, when a possible new idea came to me, but still nothing worked. And the only reason I turned in at 4.30 was cause I could hear my granny waking up for morning prayers and I didn't want her to exclaim in shock that I hadn't slept a wink. Otherwise, I think I'd have kept at it till the deadline at 9 am this morning. Which would be nutty, but I was so irritated.

argh. so geram! I was so close to getting it. It was down to two freaking things. But they were essential things that made the output wrong. This means that, no matter how I was on the right track to figuring things out, if I cannot make the output exactly the same as the question states, I fail all test cases and lose 70% of the marks! It's like giving "Ilikeapples" when they ask for "I like apples", and they give you NO CREDIT AT ALL for cracking your head for more than 24 hours on it. EEESH. Yes, I understand, precision is of the utmost priority in computation, but goddamn it all, is no one going to acknowledge the crazy amount of effort and time that goes into this thing?

And I was so looking forward to going out with my sis today. But now, freaking codes are still swimming around in my head (cause I still haven't worked it out, although I am now powerless to alter my submission). I get so hung up about getting things.

I now have even greater respect for computer nerds.

Happy New Year, you Chinese people! Even I have elaborate gatherings coming.

Sometimes I think I'm so psychologically damaged, it's not funny.

Anyway, we were eating at duku road tonight. I managed to get the delicious briyani; it's usually sold out. And there was this adorable, adorable cat that kept mewing all the time for food. And it gave me the classic puss-in-boots-from-shrek type of teary stare - it was so irresistible! If you think that the people who did Shrek were overdoing the teary cat stare, you're wrong! My heart just melted at the the sight of his stare, and my sis and me kept throwing him chicken and mutton over the side of the table.



I swear the cat looked just like that! Except that he was black and white, not orange, and his eyes weren't green, and he wasn't holding a hat. But otherwise! This is a replica. Ohmygosh. I so want a cat.

I suppose everyone has got a fear of rejection, at least a little. It's only human, right. But mine is irrational, I think. A completely irrational and disproportionate fear. I wish I wasn't so chicken! >.< It's true what those wise people say: there's nothing to fear but fear itself. I need to cure me of this. I am sick of being scared!

This morning, Dan and Young on radio were asking people to choose between peanut butter and nutella. duh!!! NUTELLA! I grew up loving nutella; I used to to eat nutella spread every morning when I was a kid. And you know I don't like peanut butter, because peanuts just don't taste right with bread to me. And they're sticky and plebeian. eheh. And a lot of people apparently chose nutella over peanut butter. Common sense, I say.

I am looking forward to the weekend. And the CNY weekend. And the end of Feb pls!

Been uploading some photos - here's one. Us sending bubu off to Qatar. It was a mega gathering, quite.

My sister got 8 points for her Os. (: And everybody was all jubilation. Quite honestly, I knew she had it in her. Everyone else just had some unaccounted, skewed and underestimated view of her capabilities. So anyway, everyone wanted to have their bit in celebrating. My family went to T3 Earle Swensen's for icecream the same night of the results, and the very next night, Cik Dah brought us there again, to the very same place, to celebrate! My mum and me were so kan-chiong about the fact that the staff were going to recognise us from the previous night. Heh.

At first, my dad was all, "Go RJ!" And I was also all, "Hey, why not!" So I have fellow Rafflesian in family eh. But then, she knew what the stress was all about, having seen me through my JC years, and there was some worry about the prioritisation of choices for selecting JC (or something) and so she settled with VJ. Ne. My brother was all: -_____________- PARKWAY PARADE AGAIN. Haha. He wanted my sister to quite literally, get out of the east, and explore our tiny island.

On other things: Have had a rather mellow and introspective weekend. Sometimes I get truly worried that my brain will self-combust with the over-worrying, which of course, only worsens the situation. Eheh. But now, I think, I've learnt the little trick to put things in perspective. (Thank you, Allah and Rasul.) I am happy that so far, I have kept to my 2008 resolutions. The hardworking part is always kind of difficult to maintain, but I still try. And the gaining perspective part - I think I'm well on my way. (: I shall be a brand new me when I turn 21.

I miss Mumu. I can't wait to meet up and see what she says about Supes. I miss the birds. And I even miss turk too, cause we didn't get to meet the past week to go home together. And Jean too! I think she's done with her med papers for now...

As a sign off for this highly optimistic entry, here's an extremely lovable icon I stole from my sis who stole from someone else so it doesn't matter:



Two of some of my favourite things! I do adore Sam.

I will occasionally have phases of watching youtube videos about religion and Islam. That was how I discovered Ahmad Deedat, the South African Muslim preacher who debated in comparative religion. And yes, I devoured those. Eheh. They are so gripping. So anyway, these videos, if you ever actually bother watching religion-related videos you'll know this, will always have many many many comments. Like 1593 comments, for instance. And it's full of slander and curses and open ridicule. It is just horrifying and disgusting. But I read them anyway because... quite honestly, they are addictive. I just get really riled up and feel like strangling some of them. And it is also amazing how ignorant some people are. Amazing.

Like apparently, the typical American thinks every Muslim man will marry four women. DUDE. How dumb. Some are even worse - they think Muslims hate women??? WHAT THE HELL. A million of them just say things in complete and utter ignorance, it is truly jaw-dropping. If they just truly truly bothered to find out about Islam, they'd know that Islam was the first to properly accord respect and status to women WAAAAAAY before any institution ever did. HAIYOH. Ignorance is humanity's disease.

And my god. Rasulullah did marry a nine-year old girl, who had matured. Not a kid. NOT A KID, y'all. This means she had reached puberty. She eventually became his favourite and most beloved wife and most famous female Islamic scholar. This beautiful relationship between the Prophet and his favourite wife is no basis for an accusation of pedophilism, astaghfirllah. Seriously. I just want to cekik these people.

I know there's not much point lamenting all this here because the poor souls who say such horrible things are over at youtube. But if I were to post there, no matter how polite and decent my rebuttal, they'd just reply incoherently with numerous fucks and shits and assholes. So I just have to let it all here. Sigh. Unbelievable.

I alternately feel like writing. And then not writing. I am indecisive even about the most mundane minute things in life. haiyoh.

I am still sad about Heath. Was feeling sad throughout my entire kitchen clean-up tonight. :(

My mum commented on how easy my life is now. It seems so, I suppose. Lectures starting in the late afternoon, no homework at this stage, no rush. But I go: "Huh! Easy???" If people only knew the amount of torture I put on my mind every single day. I think it could drive even the most optimistic person mad with fear. Worry about USP. Worry about CAP. Worry that I am going to utterly suck at computing no matter how hard I try. Worry about seemingly non-existent job prospects. Worry that I should be doing just something more. Worry about whether to apply for this or that thing. Worry about where I'm going to end up ten years from now. Worry about just every other stupid detail. I just want to tell my brain to shut up. Really.

I just can't chill. What is wrong with me. Sometimes I try to make myself visualise putting my crazy roundabout thoughts into a big wooden chest, heavily padlocked, and then set aside. But that works for like only five minutes max, before my thoughts go to my worries again. Learning to relax is no easy thing for me. It's hard for me to see life as good right now, but I try. Because I know it is. It is good. I just can't see it very well.

Heath Ledger died?! What. What. What. NO! :( What is it lately with these young actors! I just heard yesterday that Brad Renfro died recently too (the pretty and talented boy in The Client).

SNIFF. I really loved Heath. I think I've watched like all the movies he was in. Except Monster Ball. And he's acting as joker in the upcoming Dark Knight too! This is just too sad. ONLY 28 years old okay. I've liked him since Knight's Tale and 10 Things I Hate About You. An ounce more of fan-feeling in me, and I think I might burst out crying for him.

They say it might be drug-related. But it doesn't seem Heath-like. :( If there was a star that deserved to go this way, it ain't him!

Bubu got to see Sami Yusof in Qatar!!! >.< I want I want I want x 100!!! tak fair seh. He's so amazing! Waaah. :( His third album better be available somewhere in Singapore for me to get.

So in case you're still not clued in: Sami Yusof is an England-based (if I'm not wrong) Muslim singer and musician and his songs are all about Islam, and it so so so rocks cause he sings in english, turkish, hindi and arabic (very international! anybody thinking world peace?), and the music is so good. He did a collaboration with Outlandish once too.

This one, Hasbi Rabbi, is still one of his best IMO; (it was one of the first). The music video is damn nice too; and I realise I've been to all the places featured in it! I'm quite the traveller. Watch it!

Finished Oliver Twist. And I think I surprised myself cause I actually found Dickens extremely funny at parts. He makes humour using exaggeration and seemingly matter-of-fact statements. Oh man. I'm incapable of describing it.

"It was all Mrs Bumble. She would do it," urged Mr Bumble; first looking around to ascertain that his partner had left the room.

"That is no excuse," replied Mr Brownlow. "You were present on the occasion of the destruction of these trinkets, and indeed are the more guilty of the two, in the eye of the law; for the law supposes that your wife acts under your direction."

"If the law supposes that," said Mr Bumble, squeezing his hat emphatically in both hands, "the law is a ass - a idiot. If that's the eye of the law, the law is a bachelor; and the worst I wish the law is, that his eye may be opened by experience - by experience."

~ 'Oliver Twist' by Charles Dickens

HAHA.

I watched Planet Earth tonight and it was so gorgeous. I don't see how one can watch these things and not entertain the notion of becoming a zoologist or a photographer for national geographic or something.

My math professor is weird extraordinaire. He is the most absent-minded, dazed, in-his-own-world professor I've encountered so far. Lawton was strange and absent-minded, but this guy is weirder! But still adorable in a grandfather sort of way. He rambles indefinitely, to the incontrollable laughter of some of us. I have a theory that mathematicians are more prone to losing their screws in old age. Not like real psychatric mad; but just mad as in weird. It must be all those numbers they immerse themselves in their entire lives. You've got to temper them with words and a nice dose of television, or else you might go bonkers.

I'm experiencing a healthy bout of optimism this week. It must be the effects of a new semester. All brand new hopes, rainbows over every module, nice blank white paper for scribbling, and calenders with empty slots begging to be filled. Dear God, let this feeling last.

ohmygosh. I love James McAvoy. He is so good at what he does, and so funny. I just watched the most entertaining interview - him on Parkinson. He is just hilarious.

I really should phase out my movie-watching habit, now that term has started. But man, this is my drug, and thence damn hard to kick.

And oh, Amir Fadl is coming to KL in Feb! I am both excited and apprehensive. Really. I never know how to feel around him, cause I think he can just see completely through me, and that makes me truly nervous. Just goes to show how much of my true self I ever display freely to others. And anyway, it is so uber scary to speak to him at all.

Bumped into Cikgu Fadilah at buona vista MRT yesterday. Chance encounters always leave me slightly baffled, because I am always, against my better judgement, inclined to take meaning from it, believing in the whole nothing-is-coincidence concept. Cikgu looked mostly the same, and inquired after the rest of the batch. I told her what I knew. She seemed a little distracted, like maybe the remembrance of RJ was not pleasant at all. I think she hated RJ with a vengeance. I really don't blame her. I am conscious of my brain slowly whitewashing my JC years (especially when I see my sister doing Orientation stuff and I recall how fun Jaxoras was), but if I remember accurately, there were numerous moments of absolute fear, frustration, stupidity and bleakness.

I was just thinking the other day, how every little incident that happens, I try to fit into the big jigsaw that is life. How, at every turn of the time, I'm trying to figure out life. And yesterday, I was struck by the horrifying thought that I would still be figuring out life on my deathbed. But then maybe, life is about figuring out life, eh? I mean, religion can teach you one thing, but you still, somehow, gotta figure some things out for yourself. And man, if you know what I'm talking about, you'd know how exhausting it is. It's just one theory after another.

And now, I'm thinking, it's true about the cliche: hope is kind of the whole point. Because it can be bleak, bleak, bleak and ultra bleak, but as long as there's that glimmer of hope, that one shining ray of a better future, humanity does not give up. So, in line with my human nature and against calculated logic, I hope. And get disappointed. And hope again. Life in a nutshell, I guess.

I was rummaging through my favourites folder and found something I should have shared long ago. >.< It is hilarious. It's an article from an online newspaper, the San Francisco Chronicle. The writer comes up with her own list of the Sexiest Men Alive, in response to People Magazine. And she includes:

Totoro (animated forest spirit, Hayao Miyazaki's "My Neighbor Totoro"): He's not really a man; he's more a giant, furry Blob of Cute, but he can fly. He belongs in the sky. We could belong to each other.

ohmygosh, no! Haven't I said many times - his teeth are too chompy! haha!


Eunice will be happy to note that Nadal made her list, with the interesting comment: Rafael Nadal (tennis star): The hair is bothersome, but the bottom is gold.

Mr Darcy also made it, DUH. He's on everyone's list, no? She said: Nastiness redeemed is an aphrodisiac. - to which I have no objections whatsoever. And in which case, DT!Draco, Lymond and Logan Echolls would also qualify. She also has Darth Maul included, despite absence of redemption. (Red with black stripes is not my style, unfortunately.) Also: Heathcliff, Holmes, Haldir (an LotR elf), and haha, Atticus Finch.

Where is Dean Winchester, I say.

Okay, I know I need to lighten up! :P I try, I do.

Met up with Hudy and Khairiah, then Sowmya and Jean today. Sowmya is moving to Melbourne! :( Why do people keep going away. And the next time I see her? Indefinite.

Gained some good perspective today. Thumbs up for me.

School starting in a few days. I'm bracing myself. Keeping fear at bay is my utmost priority.

I also have come to realise that I am slowly but certainly outgrowing this blog. I can no longer write in it. The last entry, which had heartfelt sentiments, was up for a mere half hour before I dumped it into the drafts folder. I've become more uptight than before or something. Anything that's remotely personal doesn't belong on this screen anymore. I no longer feel comfortable being honest here. I've grown to become more private, at the least; more of a recluse, at the worst. oh well. I say give it another year, and we'll see if this blog still survives.

That's why I talk about film and tv more than anything else, I suppose. It's the only thing I allow myself to express freely about here.

Watched Atonement. (Honestly, this December break tops all my hols for most watched movies and tv shows.) Briefly: a little nuisance of a girl makes up lies about people, with terrible consequences. Also, a love story. (So you can just put two and two together, eh?)

There was a severely draggy part somewhere in the middle of the movie, and you normally don't hear the comment 'draggy' from me. So, yes, it was draggy. And slightly confusing. It was jumpy, and abrupt at parts, so you're left wondering for a few seconds at every new scene: "What on earth has happened???" If I could pick one word to describe the movie, I'd agree with most reviews: COLD. It's a movie that'll leave you COLD inside. It was like, "Okay, here's the bitter truth of this story. It's horrible. And here are more horrible things. Life is tragic, so deal." At the end, I felt bleak. Not sad, just BLEAK. I'd rather you make me cry properly.

But the filming was still beautiful. Gorgeous, gorgeous scenery and sets. With a 5.5 minute film track that reviews are raving about. People are also raving about Knightley's amazing green gown. ohmygosh, I agree. The gown was a spectacular green.

Overall, it was still worth a watch though because period pieces are always a must-see for me. And James McAvoy is always great to watch. (: And although it was bleak, it was something different.

Okay, I so need to watch a bouncy, happy, definitely-happy-ending romance.

Finished reading Zorro! I liked it! The ending was a bit unsatisfying, but I still liked it. Now I need to dig up my old Zorro videos and rewatch! Yayness. I like reading a lot of things, but yes, I have resigned myself to the fact that I'm a hopeless romantic with a weakness for swashbuckling heroes. :P

Decided to take time off from USP this sem. Will see how it goes. I decided the stress might not be all that worth it. I mean, really, if I develop a tumour before I even graduate, what's the point, right? I need to learn to take some perspective this year. Also! 2008 shall be the year I strive to clear my clutter. Because I read in today's paper that mess and clutter is sometimes a serious psychological problem; and it confirmed my suspicions. I always felt my clutter was my way of expressing my deep discontent of something; or like a reflection of my incessant habit of sweeping things under the rug. BESIDES - this lady was reported to have cleaned her clutter and lost 22.5kg as well! Definitely gotta try.

And I watched the movie Accepted, starring Justin Long - loved it! Briefly: a guy got rejected by all the colleges he applied to and faked an acceptance letter to deceive his parents. The lie grew into a 'real' school with 'real' students. It was hilarious, and very relatable. It touched me deep cause I was already suffering a college life crisis, and it just came at the right time. It made me feel less alone.

Anyway, lepak-ing at ami omar's place again; and we're listening to the chipmunk version of today's pop hits. hee, it is cute.

I am happy because I finally managed to put together my ISM proposal for the professor. What a relief. Now I'll wait and see if he agrees.

Anyway, beware because I am about to go into a tv rant in a moment. I've figured I'm an obsession junkie of sorts. At any point in time, ever since forever, I have been obsessed over one thing or another. It's like I live on my obsessions. HP, of course, as an example, was the major obsession of my teen years. And then there was Lymond, another major obsession. And then I have minor obsesssions in between. You get the picture. Right now, it's Supernatural. And my, do the fan discussions drive me mad. They do.

I JUST. Feel like strangling some of them. They keep bashing the girls on the show and by extension they are bashing their own favourite show, and don't they know they're endangering the lifespan of the show by doing so? Grr. I mean, I've been watching Season 3 right, and my first response was all, "Ohmygod, I love it even more now! They totally upped the special effects!" (Seriously, episode 2 freaked me to no end.) Then, I came online to read fan forums and ohmegad, the bashing. People were just simply COMPLAINING LEFT AND RIGHT. Bela sucks. Katie Cassidy sucks. Not funny enough. And you have those irritating ones who dismissively declare how they couldn't care less if the show got cancelled anymore since Kripke messed with the perfect brother formula of season one, and the snappy dialogue was gone, and they just want them to ditch the girls.

OMG, SHADDAP I SAY. If you couldn't care less, why are you even bothering to be at the fan forums??? It's like no one is bothering to say anything good, despite the fact that it's a freaking fanforum!

They already managed to write off Jo (although I pray she comes back one day). But if these dumb fans become the reason for the non-materialisation of season 4, I will scream bloody murder.

My brother complained how all I ever blog about is school. Or tv, evinced by this entry. school. tv. more school. tv. occasional family event. book review. tv. exam. tv. No long posts about big gathering of friends, or outings, or picnics, or parties. If it makes me a geek, so be it. I've realised I like myself better this way anyway.

I met up with my primary school friends today! And my - I had a blast. We talked SO MUCH. It felt so nice. I hadn't met up with Delfina in like forever and I forgot how much of a chatterbox she was! And me, yus and her sat at TM starbucks talking until dusk. We laughed over sweet primary school memories. I think my primary school had really nice kids; tampines street 11 had really nice kids. I'm so glad we made the effort to keep in touch, even though full-attendance gatherings still haven't materialised.

Happy new year everyone. (: Hopefully, good things are ahead for me. Somehow.

What's this business about profesors insisting they be called by their first names, huh? Like Daniel. And then Patrick. I mean, it feels weird. Cause I've grown up calling any authority figure with, at the very least, a Mister before their names. And now, anytime I send an email to a professor and address them respectfully as such (practically begging for help with ISMs and UROPs and whatnot and then receiving minimal rsponses, but that's another story), they send back emails signed off with "Cheers, Daniel!" or "Regards, Patrick." And then the next time I attempt to send an email, I fret over what to address them. Usually, I eventually settle with a neutral and simple "Hi".

I know this friendly-first-name-addressing is supposed to encourage a camraderie of some sort between faculty and students, but I say again: it is weird. I'm just not used to it. Although, I sort of got used to calling Daniel, Daniel, seeing as how the long US trip did make us all friendly with each other. oh well.

On semester one results: appallingly bad. CAP now lower than ever and I had a bad day trying to get over it and convince myself that there's still a future for me.

2008 Resolutions: Be very hardworking, till there's no space left for worrying about not being hardworking enough. And make money for distant-future holiday plans.

Finally, I've decided to add an entry after a drought of blogging. Before I jump in with the Morocco photos, can I just say first that I am slowly going nuts with planning my independent study modules. I feel like I'm swimming in a big pile of confusing rubbish, trying to figure out what to do. ah sigh - life takes courage, it does. Meeting a professor tomorrow to discuss; please don't let him think I'm a hopeless blurblob.

anyway. photos!

The family sending us all off at the airport. Also bumped into Kak naz, who was on the way to India!


In Hassan II Mosque, the 3rd largest in the world. Extremely pretty.


Exterior of Hassan II.


Hassan II from afar. And Ahmad making a fuss.


El fresco seafood lunch


The guard at the royal mausoleum


Terrace photo at Helnan Chellah Hotel in Rabat




Our first Moroccan tajine dish: with lots of potato and mutton.


Mint Tea, poured by Eddie Murphy lookalike.


I love this photo! Spot the doggie.


Volubilis, ancient roman city.




Scenic stopover


We stopped to pet the camels! But yes, we were still freaked a little by them.


THe famous Jamaa El-Fna in Marrakesh. The place is all hustle and bustle.


Desert scenery.


That's all I have patience for, I'm sorry. Haha. I still have the video to work on, and my gosh - just thinking about it makes me tired. Why do I have to be so goddamn ambitious all the time when I know all along I'm part-sloth? I keep thinking things, but not doing them.

But nevermind: positive thinking yields positive results!

OHMYGOSH! I am soooo proud of Hady!!! The screaming in my house rivaled the time Taufik won idol. I screamed like crazy! I mean, it was totally unexpected, totally unbelievable. You have the Indian Idol there, with about a billion supporters, and the Indonesian Idol, who was on his own turf. Not to mention the judges constantly trumping how EEEEVeryone else had fantastic voices, lightly dismissing hady and phuong vy (who is so superbly pretty, I think). Then Hady won! Like ohmygoodness. I think it was the shock of the year for Singapore. We were actually cheering for Abhijeet, cause we felt Hady had no chance, and we just didn't want Mike to win, cause it was irritating the way the Indonesian channel was so blatantly favouring him. But when Hady won: EUPHORIA yar! >.<

I want to be at the airport when he comes back to Singapore! When is he coming back!!!

Back from Morocco! I haven't uploaded photos onto my comp yet. I'm more occupied with trying to print them. My family has got the latest gadget - the canon photoprinter! which rocks. :) I really like. So now am on a new project, trying to make a scrapbook of Morocco. As if making the video wasn't enough work, I had to do something else! I am a nutcase sometimes.

In a nutshell, Morocco was: sweet and cosy. Mostly due to the small company (relatively so) - my family minus my brother, and ahmad and aunty jah. The weather was COLD. Surprisingly so. We saw camels again! And petted them. And lots of fluffy cats.

(I think I really, really want my own cat. But I digress.)

And the food was really shockingly not to our taste. Travel and living made all the food look deceptively delectable. But it really isn't something people in the far east can easily appreciate. The taste was just utterly... foreign. It's hard to explain. My dad was complaining how one of our fish dishes tasted like "ubat batuk ibu dan anak". Haha. And I really couldn't disagree all that much.

Architecture was gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. I especially like Volubilis, the Roman ruins. And I also like the Hassan Mosque in Casablanca; the third largest in the world and one of the most beautiful I've ever laid eyes on. And Marrakesh was a pretty sight too. I really will try to find time to post photos here amid my other projects.

Also, I have to confess here that Gossip Girl has gotten me too. It is just too juicy. What with all the pretty people and the gorgeous clothes to die for (yes, even I succumb!) and the crazily tangled relationships. But of all of the characters, it just had to be Chuck that I absolutely feel most for. And therefore love. He makes you want to strangle and hug him at the same time. I think DT!Draco probably ruined me forever. Ever since my 15-year-old self discovered the appeal of woobies, no matter what the story, I always find myself going for the bad boy with the bad reputation but misunderstood by the world. I really do wonder behind the psychology of it.

So anyway, I was just watching episode 10, and @_@. Please, Chuck. I need you on the show.

I dreamt I had a talking golden cat the other night! It was the prettiest thing. And when I woke up in the morning, all I wanted to do was go back to sleep so I could stroke its fur again. haha. It felt so silky in my dream. And it talked! Man. I so want a talking pet. Which of course doesn't exist. But I want one.

Today's LSM paper wasn't too bad. Mostly cause it was open book. Hah. The problem with open book exams though is the constant flutter of pages in the exam hall that is kind of distracting. And the extremely cluttered desk one has to contend with, what with two files and a big textbook.

Only math left. The worst left for last. But at least there's only 21 hours left to the end of exams (for me at least!) and happiness.

And I'm going to Morocco on Friday night too. So here's a public declaration that I won't be around from Dec 1st to Dec 9th, in case, for some reason I haven't anticipated, you want to look for me. I don't want what happened last time to happen again: when the linear gang wanted to have lunch and thought I'd turn up but then I was in Surabaya. :p

And oh, I already have at least one song I KNOW will have to be in the Morocco video: Taufik's Teman Istimewa! It is so bouncy and fun. I am excited about being a part-time filmmaker again. heh.

It's not fair! It doesn't seem fair! Practically two-thirds of my math module class scores 95 and above for both CAs. And there are definitely more than 10 people soring full marks for both. LIKE SERIOUSLY. Don't these people do anything other than math?! So that despite my scoring what are seemingly decent scores of 74 and 85, I sit at the 59th percentile of the class! That's like a C or something on the bell curve.

Somebody calm me down before I go strangle one of these people. It just makes my blood boil!

God knows I can't afford another C.

And today's LSM paper sucked! I just couldn't remember a lot of everything and was massaging my head in frustration throughout the paper, trying to recall.

I'm just so angry! And I know it's probably 95% my fault. Not Lawton's. Or the damn module itself. argh.

On better things: I'm set for Golden Compass with mumu and eunice. I shall bring the book on the trip to reread. ah yes. friday is so close and yet so far.

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eeeh. obviously wrong, I think, seeing as how more often than not, I don't know anything.

I have minimal time left to mug for metabolism! :s Last night I managed to eke out 8 and a half pages of words for the heritage paper. Again: :s. I actually need 10 pages!

I have photos of bubu's wedding and hashim's passing out parade. But I'll have to leave that for later. After I'm done with this week.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

e. e. cummings

I think it's one of the sweetest poems I've ever heard! I cried buckets when Cameron Diaz read it out at the end of In Her Shoes. Sister stories always strike a chord with me. Maybe it's because I do have my own sister, and sisterhood is a bond so tight. It's like, no matter how many friends you have, no matter how much time you spend talking with someone else instead, I feel like my sister is the only one who knows me best.

Or maybe I just love drama. ahah.

Marina Mahathir's coming to NUS to give a talk on Islam and AIDS. I want to go! She's a controversial person. Would be interesting to see her speak in person. But what bad timing, I ask you!!! It is the study week. I need the entire of it to finish my heritage paper and study for three finals. :s - chews lip incessantly - To go or not to go, that is the question. And must reply today! eesh.

Haven't I said many times before how I wish a day had 40 hours instead?

Eh, I like The Noose! If you didn't know, it's sort of a spoof of Singapore's local news, with crappy news stories (at 10pm on Sundays on channel 5). Of course some stuff are lame, but some are really quite original and funny. It's really great that we're learning to poke fun at ourselves. Learning to laugh at oneself is a sign of progress, ne? :)

Like they're saying the merlion is having a gender identity crisis. what is that lah. haha.

Also:

"Nobody studies political science just cause they like it! That's preposterous!"

omgosh. what am I doing, what am I doing, what am I doing!!! I need to severely bonk my head and wake up. And do something concrete.

Okay, things over the past few days:

1) Spent another whopping 12 hours on boinformatics project: from 10 to 10! nyeeaah. But thankfully, I think we're almost done and I'm just left with compiling.

2) Watched Lions for Lambs, which is a good story that I absolutely heart. (Goodness, when did I start speaking like this?) And the fact that the theatre had a magnificent total of less than 15 people (on a friday night, mind you! during the school holidays!) really proved the whole point about apathy. The story's all about how much people are actually doing to change things in this world. Very, very moving. And I love Meryl Streep - awesome.

3) Had the last tutorial for Politics of Heritage, in which Patrick told us of a professor in NUS who had the unshakeable opinion that the large majority of NUS are an "apathetic mediocrity". I was so incredibly affronted and angry by that. I resent that! I do! That is so very unfair - I think there are quite a few people I know who are not apathetic but are trying to find ways to be involved; to do things. And when I watched Lions for Lambs, it totally connected with me, and I got angry at that unnamed professor again.

4) Had liqa' last night at Ami Omar's place. After which we told ghost stories until I had nightmares last night.

5) Speaking of ghost stories, my bioinfo team mates were in LT25 at night and started telling each other ghost stories and we started getting freaked out. Then Thaharah went to switch off the lights and we screamed! I never thought of Thaharah as a prankster before then. It reminded me how you should never underestimate people in general. haha.

6) I am slowly getting excited about Morocco. :) Ahmad says it's about 12 degrees. Might be even colder in the mountainous regions. I'm already having vague plans of how this holiday video will turn out. yay.

7) I have decided that my new year resolution for 2008, and for which I will start working on starting this moment, is to be: HARDWORKING. I was thinking how, when I was bored last night, that playing doesn't excite me anymore. I want to try to achieve goals instead. Maybe that'll give me more satisfaction, Allah willing.

Toodles.

My math professor is a serious nutcase! But also very amusing. He refuses to give answers to our review questions. And insists we work on them. People complain they couldn't see the board during lecture and that the webcast quality is bad (this means I'm screwed) and still he refuses to relent. Man.

The problem that you cite below : "it is impossible for the students to see from the back."

has the following solution:

LET STUDENTS SIT IN THE FRONT ROWS.

This solution is based on the physics of wave propagation. First, luminosity decreases with the squared distance between the board and the student. Second, the area subtended on a students retina by a letter or mathematical symbol written on the board also decreases with the squared distance between the board and the student. Third, the absorbtion and scattering, especially of shorter wavelength blue and green colors, by molecules comprising the atmosphere, increases monotonically with increasing distance between the board and the student.


ah. isn't uni life so exciting? such sarcastic professors.

dear prof. sitting in front wouldn't be a solution because the lecture is OVER to begin with! I am dead.

Got distracted with the stuff I've saved on my comp. Like my quotes etc. Want to post one that made me laugh again. haha.

"Excuse me, your highness. I thought I made it clear that it wasn’t my journey. She made up her mind to get to the capitol, I was just along for the ride because my home was gone."

"You spent a week traveling with Sakura and risking your life just because you had no home?"

"Well, no. I guess I felt sorry for her, a little. I mean, she had no idea how to get to the capitol, and she was helpless in the countryside."

"Uh-huh. So you stayed by her, and protected her?"

"That’s right."

"All the time?"

The prince must be pretty appreciative, thought Li, and nodded.

"All the time." He was surprised when Tory yanked on his shirt and pushed him up against the wall.

"So you slept with her?"

"No!"

"So you did leave her alone!"

"No!"

"Well, which is it?"

~ Heir to the Kingdom by Peacewish

In the midst of her Olevels, my sister completely forgot about her madrasah exam. @_@ ahah. And is now cramming everything within a day of study. But I think it's okay. God will forgive honest slips of the mind.

Went out for dinner last night and met up with aunts and company. I do miss having fun. Sometimes I wonder if I'll just become a half-machine if I coop myself up constantly. My sis and me decided that Umar is our most kawaii cousin, both looks and personality-wise. Haha. Yesterday, cause his dad wasn't around, he was offering to pay his share of the dinner. My sis and me immediately went, "Cuuuuuutttteee!" And when he grows up even more and grows even that much taller than he is now, he'll be even more kawaii, what with his semi-mat-salleh looks.

Can anyone tell that I'm trying to avoid doing work? Nyyeeeah. 3 weeks to end of november.

Went for the Tony Blair talk. I'm glad I went. I think it made me realise some things. Like maybe a global utopia is possible. (Okay, maybe not a utopia, but something halfway there.) Like it doesn't matter if you're Jew and I'm Muslim, we can hug anyway. (Honestly, I don't think I can. Not out of any true feeling of animosity; just that I'd be too weirded out. haha.) And all countries will have responsible, selfless, non-corrupt leaders. And people by the millions won't have to die of preventable causes and diseases, as documentaries often lament.

oh man, who are we kidding.

optimism! We must have that!

I think politicians are generally very idealistic and optimistic people. Unless they're faking it, of course, and they're just in it for the money and fame. :| gasp. haha.

Sometimes, I think I'd probably be a plebeian if I were to be put in old Rome. I'm too easily swayed by words. Hm.

I think I said we already had our last day in the biochem lab. But today we painstakingly went back again to redo our SDS gel electrophoresis. And our hard work paid off in the end. Because we managed to get protein from all our chromatographic batches!!!

:))))))))))))))))))

ohmygod. People probably don't get why I'm so nerdily happy about this. But it was just SO INSANELY IMPOSSIBLE before this to detect the minimal protein content from our ion exchange column. We were giving up on it and speculating that we majorly screwed it up despite the fact that we repeated the ion exchange THREE TIMES, okay. But I am so happy because we could detect the enzyme band on the gel, faint as it was, at 6 pm today. And this means we did it right!

yay yay yay.

And Wei Chieh actually brought the gel back home to take a proper photo of it (cause the lab camera sucks) and he wrote on the gel container, "Our Pride". heh, so funny! Many groups didn't manage to get pretty gels like we did, so our gel is entitled to such a name. Hee.

After days and hours of toiling in the lab and breathing chemicals every day and exposing ourselves to carcinogenic polyacrylamide, a beautiful gel means a lot.

Only little more than a week left to the end of sem. I think I worked really hard this semester. Although I'm still flailing in numerical analysis and much of my projects still remain incomplete, I hold much hope for my cap and my future this time.

hooray again for our SDS gel! Lalala.

And oh, am excited for the Tony Blair talk at NUS on friday! Managed to get the invite. yay yay yay.

I thought this was cool and very fascinating, although in his book, The God Delusion, Richard Dawkins seemingly dismissed it all together, as he does such a priori (go look this up) arguments about God.

You know the formula, m over nought equals infinity, m being any positive number? Well, why not reduce the equation to a simpler form by multiplying both sides by nought. In which case you have m equals infinity times nought. That is to say that a positive number is the product of zero and infinity. Doesn't that demonstrate the creation of the universe by an infinite power out of nothing? Doesn't it?

From Aldous Huxley's Point Counter Point

You know, I keep telling myself things like, "I am going to fnish my math assignment by tonight if it kills me." Or "I will DIE DIE study biochem tonight." But then, I fail to do what I intended to anyway, and I realise that, GASP: I have become immune to death threats. Waaha.

I try to amuse myself, I do.

Today was crazily exhausting though strangely satisfying. somewhat. My bioinformatics project team worked for 12 hours from 9 to 9 on a saturday! We sat in the science library the whole time. >_< Is that nuts or what. I am so damn crazy tired. But I feel a little accomplished and a little good cause we managed to progress with our project. Like they say, hard work is gratifying in its own way.

And I'm thinking that maybe, it's good to want to do many things in life. I just want to be colourful that way.

okay, am soooo sleepy. I need to reduce the size of my eyebags and get some serious rest.

I got asked by two different people today: "What's your ambition?" And both times I said, "I wish I knew."

I wish I could say, I want to be a doctor, a scientist, a teacher, or at least something! And stop straddling boundaries and going back and forth over decisions and agonize over every choice that I make. I can burst into tears thinking about these things and I just wish wish wish I could figure things out. Because wishy-washy is not a good way to be in this world.

Actually, I do have dreams of what I want to do, but those are unfeasible things. Like, I want to build a library. Like a real library where knowledge is treasured and revered; not the cold, impersonal, irritating, overcrowded pseudo-libraries we have in Singapore, in which people are actually forbidden from studying. What nonsense, I tell you.

And none of this business about competition and chasing after paper qualifications. I am just truly sick to my stomach over it.

Amityville Horror is scary. >.<

We finally had our supposed last day in the lab today. And honestly, I don't care if I don't ever hear of enzyme purification again. -______-

I also need to be very very much kinder to myself. sigh sigh sigh.

OHMYGOD. There are too many math freaks in this world! I cannot compete with math freaks. I will die.

I love this poem we did in secondary school.

I AM

by John Clare

I am: yet what I am none cares or knows.
My friends forsake me like a memory lost,
I am the self-consumer of my woes -
They rise and vanish in oblivious host,
Like shadows in love's frenzied, stifled throes -
And yet I am, and live- like vapors tossed

Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreams,
Where there is neither sense of life or joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life's esteems;
Even the dearest, that I love the best,
Are strange - nay, rather stranger than the rest.

I long for scenes, where man hath never trod,
A place where woman never smiled or wept -
There to abide with my Creator God,
And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept,
Untroubling, and untroubled where I lie,
The grass below - above the vaulted sky.

Went for the global education seminar on the UN millenium development goals today. And I decided to join ONE singapore (whose goal is to make poverty history, in case you didn't know), despite not really knowing how strongly I can contribute. I don't know... Eunice and me kept talking about the efficacy of all such movements, especially on an individual level, but at least, we do something anyway, you know?

And just so I remember, and just so you know as well, the UN Millenium Development Goals (by 2025) are:

1) Eradicate extreme poverty and hunger.
2) Make primary education universal.
3) Achieve gender equality and empower women.
4) Reduce child mortality
5) Improve maternal health
6) Combat HIV/AIDS, malaria and other diseases
7) Ensure environmental sustainability
8) Develop a global partnership for development

I keep wanting to dedicate time to doing good works but... it's always easier said than done. As it is, I'm dying under the pile of work I have to do. And I'm always so bogged down that I can barely keep promises. I think I'm inadvertently making people hate me along the way.

Ah sigh.

After a whole day of talks and powerpoint slides, Eunice and me had BK for dinner and talked about random stuff: Religion, as per our usual, and how pharmacy is horrid and my lab sessions are killing me and how much we want a holiday. And oh yes, I finally passed Eunice her birthday present.

Speaking of which, my brother's spending his birthday in some forest in Taiwan. Poor boy.

34 more days! To a brief escape. :) I wait, I hope.

I was watching Isaac on E! today. And he brought a flirtologist on the show. Apparently, there's such a thing. So, he was asking her for tips (despite him being gay and all, or rather because. anyway.) and she was saying how, in essence, it is the girl that makes the first move.

Like if a girl sees a cute guy across a room, she has to look at him in the eye and smile. Look away momentarily perhaps, but look him in the eye again, and smile.

LIKE WHAT THE HELL.

That little bit of eyeing and smiling is the invitation that has to be put forth first. Then the guy would know you were okay with him coming over if he was interested.

NYEEEAAAAH.

That's it then.

I'm doomed.

HAHA.

Nak main mata?!?!?!?! Me?!?!?! That would be the day.

Also, stupid people need to stop saying things like "If you were to look for where Al Qaeda is going to find its bomb, it's right in their backyard - in Pakistan." Don't these people know that such unfounded accusations have massive repercussions??? Haven't we learnt enough from the past? This time, it's just a Newsweek article. But the next thing you know, Bush is scrawling Pakistan down on his list. SIGH.

In math lab right now.

I really really wish my life revolves around more than my modules. But it just does! And I can barely do anything about it.

Got the lowest of the low marks for my math homework assignment. And what did I do? Laugh. I'm not sure if this is good or not. It's good cause it did not drive me to self-injury but it's bad cause maybe I'm really starting to not care or something.

CANNOT. I cannot NOT care.

I was thinking yesterday, amidst rushing between serving drinks in the kitchen and blasting DNA sequences in the bedroom: what would happen if I simply stopped caring? The first thing that came to mind: BLISS. To just let go! And not try so hard. I could take life less seriously. Be more light-hearted maybe.

But then. I think I can never make myself do that. Too much of a coward, partly. (Change is scary.) And partly, I just don't know how! How do you not care. I am never happy until I can be as good as I am able to be. Which explains why I'm usually dissatisfied. Because I think I know I'm underperforming or something.

You can DO this. You can, you can, you can. Repeat that mantra. Andrew Matthews says that your physical reality gravitates to your dominant thoughts.

I can't help but want to bitch bout school. -__- I've been sitting at raffles place macs, mostly by my lonesome, working on our politics of heritage presentation, for near five hours.

What life is this! I missed out on jalan raya again! EEEESSSH.

School is making me even more antisocial.

And then, after this, I still need to work on bioinformatics project. I need to start blasting those DNA sequences.

I keep trying to recall how I pictured 20-year-old me when I was 7. I think I imagined something more.

Hotmail is also being a bitch. It won't let me attach our project ppt! for god's sake.

My fries have become ice-cold! >.<

Okay, I shall stop being an annoying whiner and go home.

Why is it that there will always be people intent on burtsing your bubble? :( All bubble bursters should be put into a big black box and never shown the light of day.

Anyway. Finally got a new phone but then stupidly lost all my contacts again. I really thought I had saved it into my SIM card this time. But apparently not. -__- So please please please, if you're my friend and you happen upon this entry, leave your name and number in my guestbook if it's not too much trouble! thank you.

spent ages in the lab today. But spent the first two hours scrambling to finish my math homework while the guys did the assays. I have been having a seriously perpetual headache since morning and it does not dissipate. I think I lack sleep. AGAIN. Experimental biochemistry is a pain in the head, neck, shoulders and eyes.

OHMYGOD.

What did I ever do to become embroiled in a net this complicated.