picture in my mind

In math lab right now.

I really really wish my life revolves around more than my modules. But it just does! And I can barely do anything about it.

Got the lowest of the low marks for my math homework assignment. And what did I do? Laugh. I'm not sure if this is good or not. It's good cause it did not drive me to self-injury but it's bad cause maybe I'm really starting to not care or something.

CANNOT. I cannot NOT care.

I was thinking yesterday, amidst rushing between serving drinks in the kitchen and blasting DNA sequences in the bedroom: what would happen if I simply stopped caring? The first thing that came to mind: BLISS. To just let go! And not try so hard. I could take life less seriously. Be more light-hearted maybe.

But then. I think I can never make myself do that. Too much of a coward, partly. (Change is scary.) And partly, I just don't know how! How do you not care. I am never happy until I can be as good as I am able to be. Which explains why I'm usually dissatisfied. Because I think I know I'm underperforming or something.

You can DO this. You can, you can, you can. Repeat that mantra. Andrew Matthews says that your physical reality gravitates to your dominant thoughts.