picture in my mind

I got asked by two different people today: "What's your ambition?" And both times I said, "I wish I knew."

I wish I could say, I want to be a doctor, a scientist, a teacher, or at least something! And stop straddling boundaries and going back and forth over decisions and agonize over every choice that I make. I can burst into tears thinking about these things and I just wish wish wish I could figure things out. Because wishy-washy is not a good way to be in this world.

Actually, I do have dreams of what I want to do, but those are unfeasible things. Like, I want to build a library. Like a real library where knowledge is treasured and revered; not the cold, impersonal, irritating, overcrowded pseudo-libraries we have in Singapore, in which people are actually forbidden from studying. What nonsense, I tell you.

And none of this business about competition and chasing after paper qualifications. I am just truly sick to my stomach over it.