Back from india. Not that I actually notified here that I went. But point is, I'm back. And I love Kashmir to the max. :) It's the things you least expect to fall in love with that you do fall in love with.

I got my hill of lambs, you hear! I got my hill of lambs! Since as far back as ever, I've wanted to be on a hill of free-roaming lambs, and I got it in Kashmir. And I admit, it's probably the major reason why I love Kashmir so much. Let me accost you with photos of my free-roaming lambs.

This is my crazy face as I discovered my hill of lambs. I was truly ecstatic, I tell you.



LAMB! The smallest one I could find. It was damn cute, okay.









Also, the people are gorgeous. We found gypsy kids with golden-brown-green eyes. Like the eyes of that Afghan girl on the cover of national geographic.

The gypsy kids are right in the middle.



I also think the Taj Mahal is absolutely breathtaking. It really is. All that fuss and complaint about the Taj yellowing and being a disappointment? I don't get it. I think it's the most amazing tomb ever.









okaylah. my verdict is: india is incredible, as they say. An at-least-once-in-a-lifetime visit.

oh, so I looked up the movie and scarlett is playing mary and natalie portman is playing anne boleyn! HUMM! That is so wrong. Fine, they do look the parts, but character-wise! You have no idea how evil Anne is in this story! Tortured, yes, but EVIL. And Eric Bana is King Henry?! NO! I love Bana! I hate Henry! Whaaaa.

:( I hope they stayed fairly faithful to Gregory's plot and not screw the characters up too much. I mean, just cause Eric Bana's all pretty doesn't mean King Henry should turn out nice in any way, you know? The King Henry in my head is greedy-looking with fat cheeks, red-haired and super selfish. How am I supposed to reconcile this when I see Eric Bana play him? HUH? HUH???

anyway. last night, we had liqa' at ami yusof's house. We were sitting eating chocolate cake which was absolute yumminess. But Kaktiyah refused to eat it because of her diet to stay at maximum weight of... I don't know, only, 40 kg? Nyeeah. So we tempted her and she gave in to one bite. Then my mum started warning me against obesity, taking on the side of kaktiyah or stg, and she and kak shida were all like, "You're not allowed to get fat until you're married." And, I remember vividly, they all looked at me, nodding in absolute agreement. And I went all -__-".

Well then, I gave it some thought. Not that this topic hasn't already taken up enough of my brain space as it is. But I chewed on the whole issue again anyway. Yes, it makes sense that a girl has to stay beautiful to snag one of the guys, and that gives some motivation. But I can't help thinking that one should have more motivation if one knew there was someone to be beautiful for! No? Well. Maybe that's me making excuses; being completely single and all. (I do wonder if I'd care more otherwise.) The whole getting-fat-after-marriage thing? That's my mum making her share of excuses. Fact is, of course, beauty should be self-pleasurable.

Aaaaah! I am bullshitting. Oh, what the heck.

I want to put more photos... but you know how troublesome it is to do so in blogger? It's so time-consuming! I have no patience. -_- sigh. I'll put only a couple today.

Did you know that The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory is being made into a movie??? Wheeeee! So exciting. And apparently, it stars Scarlett Johanssen, who I don't really like. I suppose she can be Anne Boleyn, who's a bitchy, cunning character in the story. But I don't think she can be Mary Boleyn (who's all pure, simple and nice). But yay for movie adaptations; they're all the rage now! I can't wait.

two random photos here.
Aren't the little daisies (presuming they are daisies) in the grass damn cute?



At the rose garden in golden gate park.

I shall put a couple of photos. And then after that am gonna go off to golden gate park and the art museums!







WE WALKED THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF THE BRIDGE! Triumphant feeling, yo.

Am now staying with Eunice's brother, Eugene, and his wife Amy, at Jones and Green, San Francisco. It has been super-nice. They have the biggest plasma tv ever! (Okay, not ever. But BIG!) And they bought halal meat and all to accomodate me. So that I don't worry about food at all. And TiVo rocks. And I love the cats! There's Fergus and Charlie. And Charlie loves to sit in the guest room to look out the window. He'd make scratchy noises on our door in the morning, trying to force his way in. And when he manages to squeeze through, he sits contentedly by the window.



And yesterday, we went to alcatraz. It was nice and windy and the prison was cool. But it was a shorter visit than I anticipated and I was expecting the cellhouse to be grander. It was rather small. But it had the whole 'gen pop' and 'ad seg' areas and the yard. Cool. And the wind was so strong! On the way back, we wanted to stop by the original swensens, but it was closed on mondays. -_- I was already imagining banana splits. We shall go today! I hope. hehe. Photos of alcatraz are mostly in eunice's camera so I can't put up any now.

Exploratorium today and walking the golden gate bridge.

SUPERNATURAL SPOILERS. BACK AWAY if you will.

just watched supes season 2 finale on the CW channel! goodness, it rocked! It really rocked. There was barely anything wrong in the episode. Except that I felt Jo was being obviously and carefully excluded. For some reason or other. There wasn't even a mention of her despite the fact that the entire freaking bar, her home, burned right to the ground. Most annoying. And I don't understand why Ash had to be killed of course. I like Ash!!! He was the psycho smart dude from MIT. But overall, the episode was DA BOMB, to go a bit cuckoo here. Hehe. I think people who do not watch supes are missing out, man! So people, do yourself a favour if you're still not clued in.

and oh, I know I haven't done the '10 random things about you' game that Lin has passed on to me. It's a chain thingy, apparently, that has been going around blogs: you post ten random things about yourself, and at the end of it, request five other people to do the same at their own blogs. I somehow haven't got the luxury to sit back and type it all out. So I still haven't done it. And I can't help but take such frivolous things seriously. I need to allocate time for such things. Heh. So. Later then.

My poor brain is in a twist over this incredibly unreasonable research, (imo), we're supposed to do for this US trip. I feel like my brain cells are going around in circles, coming to no conclusion, and all the mental exercise is simply aggravating my confusion. >_<>

Why is it that Singaporeans fear failure so very much? What's with our extreme kiasi-ism? Why do we stick so much with our social norms? We have a very low entrepreneurship rate among the developed countries, our students don't speak up enough in class but simply shut up and listen, and every john, raju and ali in singapore finds security following the "laid-out" professions like doctor, lawyer, engineer, teacher, accountant. Not that any of these professions are bad per se! It's just that we are generally a people that avoid risks. It's hard to find someone who wants to try doing astronomy, say, or start a new business company. Why why why! It is so different here in the US. People are more receptive to making mistakes and doing weird things. In Singapore, people still remember their freaking truly-inconsequential PSLE aggregate to tell themselves they can't get their honours in NUS. Gahness, I tell you. There is no word for our appalling negative attitude of ourselves.

Okay. I'm done with the failure rant. If you have some personal theory to explain Singapore's kiasu/kiasi culture, please post extensively in my guestbook. I would very much appreciate it! And now: random photos of berkeley, san fran and palo alto. Enjoy!

I am so proud of this seagull photo I took while on a cruise at san fran! I think it rocks. (:

Sis and me. Miss her, I do!



Rodin's The Thinker!


We came across a break-dancing group! Awesome, I tell you. :))))

US is so bloody interesting.

Finally! I've decided to sit down and blog. I only have a couple of photos to post but I have a bit more stuff to say.

Currently, am residing at YMCA Berkeley and rooming with Teresa. She's still snuggled under the covers cause it's not 7.30 yet. But I was up for subuh at 5.30 and then couldn't go back to sleep, so decided to heck it and stay up.

So okay. I don't know where to start. :p

Oh excuse the terrible typos from the previous post from Japan! The keyboard was freakily different. There were japanese characters interspersed with the english alphabet and it aggravated my blurness, I suppose.

I guess I'll just jump in with this.

That's the entire group of us at berkeley's clock tower. I think berkeley's much more exciting than stanford. Stanford has a much more academic environment but berkeley's more... I don't know, rugged? It feels real. But the streets do get a tad bit scary at night. Groups of loafers just stand on street corners and stare at passers-by and homeless dudes sitting along alleys. Did I mention I feel like I've shrunk being in the US? Everyone's like twice my size or something. Okay, I'm exaggerating, but damn, they're too tall. humph.

We went to People's Park in berkeley and it's the place where people generally exercise their freedom of speech and behaviour. People were sitting around on the grass and just doing whatever weird thing. And we went to this place near the campus called Oaks Grove (or something like that) where people live in the trees! Seriously. They're all about the living-with-nature thing and very hippie-like, peace-loving and crazily deluded in my opinion. There was this girl who shaved her head monk-style and dressed monkishly as well, who came to talk to us and went in an extremely... floaty manner, asking, "How are you?", and blinking away with innocent and glazed eyes. And Shafiqah was asking if it got cold sleeping outside with the trees at all, and she said, "Oh no, we bring blankets and you know, everyone's warmth staying together makes it all right..." And I think all of us were thinking, "UH......" I'm sorry, miss, I think you dropped your screws into the bushes. And she kept going, "It's all about the love, it's all about the love inside." I was trying not to go too much like this @_@. Wow, I tell you. There are such less-sane people in the world.

Later on we met her again and she offered to spray water from the Ganges River (did I spell that right :s?) on our heads to rid of bad karma. She also had this friend with her who was painting some cardboard and he warned us, "America is evil! It is destroying everything good. George Bush has no soul. Dick Cheney is worse." Wah. I was laughing my ass off ah. Right on, dude! But the monk girl was all, "No... The people inside are good. George Bush has goodness deep inside. We just need to bring it out." (the guy's like, "No. He is evil. Remember guys, America is evil.") Monk girl keeps telling us, "It's all about the love, it's all about the love."

Peace-loving dudes aside, we met very very very very nice people at the international house. There was this guy (extremely tall again -__-) who came up to me at the lunch buffet and asked, "Is there enough variety of food for you? Do you need anything?" I tell you, I was so pleasantly taken aback, I couldn't even give a proper response for a while. Nobody had ever bothered to ask me that before while I've been eating here in this country! And the guy was gorgeous to boot, I tell you. Like a ricky martin lookalike but ten times better and twice as tall, with light aqua blue eyes and a pretty pretty tan.

Later he gave us a tour of the international house and brought us to the hill behind berkeley campus and we hiked up. Waaaaah. When I say hike UP, I mean UUUUUPPPP. I was panting and huffing and grabbing at tree roots and sliding on slopes and stumbling over footholds and grabbing at thorny thistles. But it was gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous at the top and I shall remember that hike for the rest of my life. (:

So here's a photo of us and Jaime at Oaks Grove. And I shall end here.

I have a lot of time on my hands right now; am stuck at Narita Airport and have been wandering around the rather boring airport for HOURS. Finally decided to post a little at the interenet cafe. Us four girls that decided to stay behind; some of them went out to Tokyo despite horrible Ｃｏｎｔｉｎｕｏｕｓ rain and expensive train fare (2000 yen!)

Did I say the keyboard is weird? It has Japanese letters and the underscore and `@` signs are all in different places. So excuse any random typos you might see. But Japan overall seems cool. Despite aforementioned boring airport. I absolutely LOVE the way they talk okay!

Ohio! heheh. So polite!

Okay, I shall stop for now. I ｈａｖｅｎ‘ｔ　ｈａｄ　ａｎｙ　ｓｌｅｅｐ since the last twenty four hours. And my head is swimming. Am finally feeling the effects of sleep deprivation.

Oh, shall briefly mention I found a supernatural fan on this trip! What are the odds. fan on this trip! What are the odds. Are her nuttiness over Jensen is appalling. But it`s fun nonetheless. We have vowed to bunk together and watch the season finale on CW. woohoo.

Also a bit worried about the paper eventually due. :s

I don't know where to begin. The exams are all finally done with and now all the things I wanted to do are rushing at me full speed and I am struck motionless. I don't know what to do first. Need to pack. Need to buy supplies. Need to calculate budget. Want to change blogskin. Want to read book. Want to watch tv. Want to learn arabic. Need to get DV cassettes.

It's giving me a real headache.

But today, I had a good time. I watched spidey 3 and sat at starbucks with eunice and mumu and we chatted for a long, long time, on an endless array of topics. Time just flew. And after it all, I felt happy. Because I've been feeling out of place for quite some time now, and now I think it's because I haven't been with my friends for so long. So I haven't really been very happy. I don't quite know how to describe it. It's like you feel weird around a lot of people but then you realise you have friends who are weird with you and then it doesn't matter anymore. :p heh. or at least I have friends who get me and don't mind me.

That aside, I shall warn people who might be looking for me starting next week, for whatever urgent business or otherwise. I will be in the US from 7th to 27th May. You can sms me but I can't guarantee replies. I've taken part in this programme called Multiculturalism: Singapore and American Perspectives. Basically, what I'll be doing is attend lectures at Stanford and visit certain areas of Palo Alto and talk to some professors and students there. And learn about culture (duh) etc etc. And at the end of it all, produce a paper for USP. Also, I'll be extending the stay there to spend a week with eunice at her brother's place in San Francisco. So whoohoo to that! (I seriously can't wait for that part, more than anything else.)

So I'll be back on the 28th before I go off to India. But that's another story which I'll tell another time. And I have yet to review spidey! Later then.

Shit. I missed my own birthday! Haha. It could have been more eventful, but I'm saving my celebrations till after lsm paper. SO I'll wait till then. But I still got nice nice nice wishes. And am happy. :)

two decades is a long time. bring it on, life. let's see what the next ten years will bring.

I foresee this place coming to a standstill this coming month due to my being away. The exams have already reduced my posts to mere outcries of despair for the state of my grades. I hate that. I know I do it, but I do hate that I do. I'm feeling quite gloomy. (Physics was horrid beyond compare.)

I wonder if the theory holds; that theory that life offers you clues of how it'll all eventually turn out. Like if you're meant to be a superstar, your superstar qualities shine from whence you're born. You know, the way mothers always exclaim, "I always knew she was gonna be a star!" And if you're going to end up with a Nobel prize, then most likely you were a child prodigy and uttered oxyhaemoglobin at the age of three (apparently, JBS Haldane did say that when he was 3). And people can generally tell, it's almost an unexplainable gut feeling, how she will be super-successful, he will make loads of money, she will end up with the family of 2.3 kids and the 5Cs as well, he will work in parliament etc etc.

Actually, I don't know where I'm going with this. I've been hit by the gloomies because I feel like everyone at least knows what they're doing, cept me. And looking back at my life, it makes me feel more clueless than ever. My life gives me no clues. Do what my parents say? Yes, that's what I've been doing. After that, I don't know. Maybe I'll remain a dreamer. Eternal dreamer. I wish somehow that could work in the real world.

blah. I hope I get out of this rut soon and be my rare optimistic self. And it helps that I saw this quote today: "the strong follow the beauty of uncertainty". yes, I like to entertain the notion of my being strong.

Two papers down. And I am seriously terrified of programming and evolution grades now. Please don't let me get Cs. Let me get Bs at least. Pleeeeaaaasse.

It's begun. :S

And I also just found out my flight for US leaves next saturday night! hello. that is too fast! That leaves me three days to pack and buy supplies and go to the money-changer and everything! oh crap. this is going to be hectic.

Programming is slowly but surely sinking into the same league as chemistry; the league of subjects that are out to kill me. Possibly, it could sink lower than even that. Seriously, anyone wanting to drive himself to suicidal behaviour can simply take up a module that begins with CS. Those applied math people I met last sem were right. They warned me about computing. "You're taking computational science?!", they exclaimed. And I was like all shocked and @_@ and why? And they said they were ready to jump out the windows anytime doing computing. And I understand now.

This is just so typical of me. Putting myself in positions that are most detrimental to my mental state. I know I get paranoid easily, and still I do this. Why can't I just let myself do the things I like?

"There's no education superior to travel. Think of The Motorcycle Diaries, or what Montrose St. Millet wrote in Ages of Exploration: 'To be still is to be stupid. To be stupid is to die.'" ~ Special Topics in Calamity Physics

See? Why can't I just travel all my life? That's still learning what.

Thought I'd post a picture of sorts just to make this place more colourful (and improve the in-the-dumps mood I'm having). This is duckie's; hope you don't mind! I really really love the photo. And I think I shall try to find a way to put it up here permanently or stg.

today, while walking home alone and doing some thinking, I finally understood something. which I should have understood long before. but better late than never, I guess. that success isn't about perfection; it's about resilience.

Because I was inordinately upset about a stupid less-than-excellent grade I got. I felt horrible about the fact that I felt horrible, you know? It's just a grade. So now, I am trying to learn to embrace setbacks.

I hate the phrase live life to the fullest. what the hell does it mean? oh sure, it's all easy to say you'll live life to the fullest when you have money, a family, a healthy functional body and you can do what you want. but I've always wondered how you'd tell that to an african boy stuck in a civil war, say. live life to the fullest? what life???

that stupid overused phrase is just so obviously wrong.

I am in one of my angst-y moods.

I was teaching my mum the intricacies of the internet last night. It was funny, to say the least. Talk about generation gap.

I also went to school to meet the other people going for the US trip. And we discussed loads about multicultural stuff and about sensitive racial stuff. I'm glad the topic is about this. It's so relatable.

Everyone was nice enough. I think I'll be okay.

I'm too tired to dish out my thoughts right now. Programming is weighing heavily on my mind.

muaha. I signed a Support Jo Harvelle petition, so they won't throw her out of the show. It might work. I love the way these american fans are so proactive. Yes, it might be passion better channeled elsewhere, but it's still passion nonetheless. Unlike, sadly, in dear old sunny singapore. Where we don't even have a show that's worth saving on tv right now.

I tell you what's wrong. Take the show "After Hours" on channel 5, starring Utt and what's-her-name and the MTV VJ, Max, and Joanne Pei.

1) There are three foreigners out of 4 of the lead roles. Yes, Utt and Max are cute, but are they Singaporean? NO. Who exactly is your target audience? Singaporeans? Then I suggest you cast Singaporeans. When I watch the show, I feel so disconnected. I know of no Singaporean, on campus or otherwise, who speak like those two guys do. (although there is paul in writing class, but otherwise.) There is just something so wrong about the way they behave! It's not Singaporean.

2) Plot. Plot. Plot. Where is the plot, people? Are we going somewhere with this? Haven't we done the love thing over and over? You know what makes good stories? STORYLINES. Seriously, maybe I should sign up as a scriptwriter at mediacorp.

3) Can we throw out the love scenes, please? They are beyond bad. It's okay that we are Asian and we're conservative; it's OKAY. Accept our lifestyle. You don't see couples kissing on the street in Singapore, and it's okay. We can do without them. We can still make good stories. Please don't try to Hollywood-ize yourself. There's nothing as mortally embarassing as pretending to be something you're not and failing miserably at it.

4) Is this honestly how 20-stg Singaporeans behave today? I know nothing, I suppose, because all I do is go for lectures and surf the net. Maybe I should check with my cousin who's working. But I have a feeling Singaporeans don't behave the way the characters do. Bottomline: it feels so fake. I can't really pinpoint the source, but it does make the show feel fake.

Look, what has worked for local tv so far? PCK. Under One Roof. Growing Up. What's the formula? Might be a number of things. But I think most importantly, it's not fake. Singaporeans can identify with the characters. Siiigh.

Right now, the best thing on channel 5 is Adrian Pang. Haha. I have to add that Suria is having the lowest of the low times. When was out last good show? Anak Metropolitan was it??? Or was it Cinta Bollywood (but season 2 sucked tremendously)? So long ago. Our local tv network needs serious help.

math by day, deedat by night.

I am getting hooked onto his debates again! It's at the exam periods that I start doing such things you know. Getting absorbed into the things I find fascinating. I still remember vividly, in the days of A-level mugging, I was sitting at my zen study table, not reading notes, but reading Lee Kuan Yew's memoirs. Of all the times I could pick to read the MM's lifestory, I picked the exam period. And this morning I picked up my Steve Pinker book too. But stopped at the end of the preface because I had to force myself to study. I can't study. My hands are too itchy; they love to pick up such distracting things.

I just watched the Doha debate on BBC. So exciting; about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. and the motion: Palestinians should give up their right of return. And the opposition won. This is one of the many reasons why BBC rocks, and CNN sucks. BBC doesn't openly favour the jews. And there was this guy on the opposition who was so passionate and fired up and openly said the Israeli were establishing a racist state and everything. Wohohoho. I love it when people who don't care to bash up others appear on tv. They just say the most controversial things. Like Ahmad Deedat.

And my my my. The audience was so good-looking. The guys who spoke up were not only smart and sensitive ("I think all of us here are disconnected from the refugees in the camps. Who are we to decide for them. We talk about dignity and pride, but these people are suffering. And if we can do something for these people, then I'm all for that.") but so pretty also. Whoi. Unfairness to the max. I complained to my mum: why can't we have more of these guys walking the streets of Singapore? It's true what I said the last time, when I came back from egypt; hollywood's pretty, but the middle east is prettier.

School officially over! And we're left with the last stretch of mugging. May God keep me awake and focused.

I love Oliver Twist. I watched the movie on tv today, the one with little Barney Clark as Oliver, and I love him so much. Oliver Twist just makes you want to go hug an orphan. Seriously. So poor thing. Okay, that's it; Oliver Twist shall be on the list of my reads after exams end. I feel horrified at myself when I realise how much reading I haven't done this semester. I halted all my reads at the beginning of the year. Completely halted.

And I had my last paper conference with Nerney this morning. And he made me feel smart because he said my first draft is in pretty good shape. and there isn't much for him to talk about. Then he actually said I was his star girl in class because I said some smart things in class. Which made me laugh, because seriously, that is hilarious. Perhaps it's because of the five people class. Otherwise I wouldn't talk so much. But I think I didn't talk much! I think Anu did most of that. oh well.

I think I have a problem receiving compliments. The moment I get one, I either think they're faking it, out to get me or they just don't know me. I blame my parents. Because they have never said anything good about me to my face. not really. not even when I got my As. my dad will just go, "how come you didn't get a scholarship?" honestly, I tell you. Parents can screw up the child in many many ways. And this is one of the many reasons why having a kid is incredibly scary. Every action on your part counts. BIG. But, overall, I think I'm a pretty decent person. I'm not a criminal or overtly rude or anything. So I think overall, my parents are great.

going out for family dinner! albeit missing the son of the family. but feels nice anyway.

I want to cry. I think perhaps a proper crying session will help loads. But that's over one thing. Or a couple of things.

I'm happy about some other things! Like the approaching holidays. I'm looking forward to a good, good time. :)

I am so scared! Programming practical in a while. I hear horror stories you know, of people not even being able to open the document or something. And people saying you'll definitely fail. But I don't wanna fail anymore! I already failed the first CA. Dear God, please help me.

Of course, I got a bit of an ego booster in other departments. Cause I got the US trip thing! yayeeeee. (Now I worry how to tell the pentasbudaya peeps.) And I got a good grade for LSM CA2.

eeeyyyyaaah. 2nd may cannot come soon enough.

I wish I had spent more time with secureshellclient aka the programming software. So that I wouldn't be so incredibly frightened of tomorrow's programming practical. It's true what the lecturers say. It's not exactly that difficult (although I think it still CAN be); it just requires time and patience. And it's actually very fun when it works. I get so excited when I actually succeed in making a switch statement.

Time is proportional to level of perfection. Given time, anything can be executed perfectly or anyone can be polished to perfection. But humans are bound by time. Timelessness = absolute perfection. God is timeless, therefore God is perfect. Hm. Works. More time spent studying = grades are closer to perfection? yes yes.

I think I tend to be incomprehensible a lot of the time. What the heck. No time to bother about that.

I want a camera. Shall accumulate birthday money for a camera. I saw someone with a lumix slr the other day, and started pining for a camera again. It is dumb. Time to stop pining and go get it!

freaking out. because yes, that time of the year has come around. the horrible exam period.

Little brother has gone off to NS. And by way of saying goodbye, he said, "Jaga Sandy*." And I said, "Jangan asik sms girlfriend aje.**" And that was it. We have that kind of sibling dynamic. We care but we pretend we don't. Of course with my sister, I'm more open. Ocassionally, sisters can declare 'I love you's to each other without much qualm. But brothers? Nyeeah. The my-sibling-is-such-a-pain facade has to be maintained.

Talk of siblings of course reminds me of the winchesters. Dean is the the the bestest big brother on tv ever. :)

I should get on with my evolution work. Doing on the evolution of intelligence. You know, the more I read all these scholarly works, the more I think we humans know close to nothing about our existence. Even these scientists are grappling around, trying to define intelligence in the first place. I tell you: there's a LOOONG way to go to learn it all.

---
*Take care of Sandy (eng). Sandy being a very sentimental soft toy of my brother's. The dumb things we do.

** Don't spend all your time sms-ing your girlfriend (eng). He's probably exasperated with me cause I keep pushing it. But hello, little brother, I am not dumb. I can see, hear and infer. And as a big sister, I make it my business to know. Perhaps only elder siblings can empathise with me when I say I have this need to be protective of my little bro and sis. Besides, I think boys need much much guidance in this matters (but that's a whole other story for a whole other entry).

3 more weeks to the end of this crazy sem.

I had a damn scary dream yesterday. It's one of those dreams where you don't even know you fell asleep and you wonder if the dream is actual reality. It happened in the morning, after subuh prayer, when I decided to sleep in a bit because my lectures started in the afternoon. The door of my room was closed, the curtains were shut tight and it was fairly dark. I was laying on my side, just thinking. Then my sister, whose bed is right next to mine and whose silhouette I could make out clearly, started making grinding noises with her teeth and started fidgeting in her sleep. She kicked me with her leg and scratched her hair.

And then it hit me. It was supposed to be 6.30 am. On a freaking weekday. MY SISTER IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN BED. And it started dawning on me that it wasn't my sister, because my sister had made her bed and gone off to school! I couldn't breathe for a while. And then I started to inch my hand to the night light switch but the thing realised that I realised, woke up and grabbed my hand! I tell you I was so freaked. I couldn't make out this 'thing's' face (thank god) because of the dark but she sort of started smiling sinisterly, I think. Like she thought it was damn funny that she tricked me. Or maybe she was surprised I figured it out or something. And she wouldn't let go of my wrist, and that words-stuck-in-throat feeling came. I was pleading to God for it to let me go. And after selawating a couple of times, it was gone and I... woke up. I think. My sister's bed was nicely made and very empty and it was quiet. And it was 7 am.

I laid quietly in bed for a while trying to process what happened, switched on the night light (at 7am. pooh.) and then after a moment's contemplation, went back to sleep with no more disturbances.

When I related this to my sister, she was like, "AND YOU WENT BACK TO SLEEP?!?!" Yar. I was tired. And I really convinced myself it was just a dream at that point. I don't know now. It was strange. But I'm still not very afraid - not as much as I should be. You got to assert yourself in your own house. No ghost should succeed in kicking you out of your own comfy bed if you want to get some much-needed sleep.

duck just came back from holland and I can just die looking at her photos! the tulips are so so so gorgeous. >_< it's making me want to learn how to make blogskins cause then I'd be able to put the tulips up permanently here. so preeeettttty.

ANYWAY. Have to say that I've gotten a windfall. Out of the blue, aunt has dropped the bomb and asked me if I wanted to accompany granny to India. DUUUH. Of course I want!!! Fully sponsored some more. Rich aunts are godsend. ohmygod!!! I can't wait! This semester may suck but I foresee the break as some of the best times of my life. I think. Let's not get too ahead of myself.

Good things that are happening:
1) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
2) Spiderman 3
3) INDIA!!!
4) a US trip that might might might, and I pray to god will, happen!
5) kaktiyah treating us!

okay. actually. that's sort of it so far. but I'm so excited already. :)))

(and did I say I did get an A for paper 2? pressure's on!)

Okay, this layout has become too claustrophobic! (marli was right.) I am so having a revamp when this sem ends.

going off to abang yan's soon for maulud. I wish I could do things and enjoy things without having work niggling constantly at the back of my mind. It's most suffocating.

I had an unusually good day this past thursday. It's the kind of day when you're almost not yourself at all, because you're so happy (for some reason or other) and so optimistic about the future that you suddenly find yourself wanting to do things you never dreamed of doing. I wish I had more of those days. I need more optimism; a lot more of it. I managed to finish all my work on that thursday and I felt happy when trying to fall asleep. Oh man, it was such a good feeling.

Maybe I'd accidentally taken something and became high? Haha.

I want to make a list of the worst things on earth:
1) Regrets
2) Roaches

I'll add more when they come to mind.

Anyway, I think the nineo thing is actually cool. They matched up a videography job for me (paying appx 50 bucks only but nvm) and I wanted to do it! Except that it's on next saturday and I tell you I will be so bogged down and frustrated next week, I just cannot afford to add anything more to my worklist. I have the evolution presentation, paper 3 due and programming practical. :S

Is it true that everyone is afraid everyone else will think they're crazy or weird if they reveal their true selves? Or is it just me? Why are humans so inherently insecure. It's so incredibly... dumb.

Who was Aristotle? I really want to meet this superbly brilliant person. I'm starting to think he's too smart to be real. How can such intelligent people exist? Wouldn't their brain be too heavy or something? He has famous and incredibly poignant anecdotes littered through various fields of thought. Amazing.

It is at moments like this that I can safely conclude within the deep nooks of my heart, regardless of compelling evidence, that we didn't evolve from monkeys. You ask a monkey to contemplate anything beyond a banana, and he becomes confused. And then you want to compare the Greek Genius Aristotle, who says things like Man is a political animal and We are what we repeatedly do, to aforementioned monkey??? Give him some respect, I say.

Not that I'm saying monkeys are dirt beneath our feet and should be stepped on, NO! We must love animals. I'm just saying we can't be monkeys, okay. Or apes, if you want to get nit-picky about it. You think I'm stubborn and so caught up with my own creationist ideas? Whatever. I just can't see Aristotle (or Newton or Einstein or Faraday or Lincoln or Hobbes or Bohr or Schrodinger) as a monkey.

Oh my god. I just had a vision of someone giving a counter argument to this with Bush. Yes, Bush easily resembles a monkey. Damn. A point to the opposition. Muaha. (Bush is dumb though. Hm. Are we approaching a theory here - the smarter, the less monkeyish?)

Anyway, what sparked this was my stumbling upon another Aristotle quote: "The greatest thing by far is to be a master of metaphor". And I think that is true on so many levels, I can't even begin to relate to you how much I was jumping inside in agreement when I read it. It was so totally what we discussed in writing class - that we all think in metaphors. You try going around in a day without using any form of metaphor in your speech, and you'll find yourself going practically wordless. Our thoughts are metaphorical, yo. It just goes to show how much of imaginative beings we humans are. :)

And tomorrow, we are going to get our paper 2 back. And Anu has made me think I will do well in it (by the method of elimination. the A+ apparently wasn't from the other class, and so it's from the remaining five of us. I have a 20% chance of getting that grade.), and now she has got me irrationally hopeful. The problem with getting good grades is the consequent head-swelling. It is most terrible. I shall concentrate then on my failing marks in C prog.

Today, I had genetics lecture. Prof was explaining the Hardy-Weinberg equation and how we still have random mating in human population although we select our mating partners. And he was trying to elaborate by saying: "That is why we have different tastes. Some of us will like tall girls. But some of us will like short girls so that the short girls will have a chance to reproduce as well. So overall, we have no selection."

Waaah. Thanks. Funny lah.

I think electrons are damn cool. We're doing quantum mechanics in physics now and I never knew the extent of electrons' coolness till I did this module. Electrons can be in two places at once, and tunnel through walls! I want to be an electron.

My eyes are begging me to shut them. But I am refusing to concede to their pleas. I can't afford to! I tell you, I will fall seriously sick one day, the way I treat my body. I should learn to take care of myself. I should SLEEP. SLEEP IS IMPORTANT.

Okay, feel a very strange urge to rip some paper up right now.

I have to write the last paper for UWC, and it's sort of an independent research thing. And I'm doing on blogs. It's interesting and all, but I am stuck. I don't know what to focus my paper on. Not to mention that I have other things to do and I cannot afford to invest hours just on this. This is when I wish I were Wonderwoman. Or something equally amazing.

God, you have no idea how much my eyes feel like LEAD. You know, I love it when I suddenly experience a metaphor or a simile. Know what I mean? It's when something happens that makes you finally understand a literary expression. Like the time when I was on a mountain and it was freezing cold and the wind was seriously seriously like a knife on my cheek. It's cool. I want to experience things. So - now my eyes feel like lead. I have also experienced a throat-went-dry. I also experienced a the-rest-of-the-world-faded-into-the-background moment. It was literal you know.

Anwyay, I should go back to work. I shall survive. I might emerge from this semester wounded beyond belief, but I shall survive. Because, damn it all, I am strong. Like Mrs Choo said to me waaaay back when I was 12 and I barely comprehended what she truly meant: Anyone can sail smooth seas, but it is the victor over the storm that gains true honour.

Also, Happy Maulidur Rasul. We're off to celebrate tonight. :) My dad wants to put up coloured lights on the windows. My dad wants to be revolutionary. He amuses me.

Yesterday, I was all heck care to schoolwork and followed my parents to babawok's place to have lunch and meet up with everyone. And everyone was all long-time-no-see and I felt happy. I think I've sort of forgotten how nice family gatherings can be. I tell you, it's so easy to forget when you're so absorbed doing a million other things. We watched an indon horror flick - "Bangku Kosong" - which was freeaky. And then Abah regaled us all with his sailing days as a radio officer. And after, we went to Mr Prata to eat. I had a good time away from work.

But now, I'm scouting around for intermembral indexes of primates. -___- bleaagh.

okay. tv rant time. because I can't stand how some of these freaking dumbass supernatural fangirls are behaving. I need to let off steam.

Can those girls please give Jo Harvelle a break! Ugh. It's so obvious sometimes that they're freaking thirteen year olds with humungous crushes on Ackles and want some equally gorgeous girl for Dean. What on earth. And if they're not thirteen year olds, they're slash obsessors who don't want anything to disrupt the brother dynamic. Some insist Dean should remain romantic-less forever. Wah, it makes me want to strangle them. Because they keep seeing these characters as the actors or something; they're not concerned with the storyline! I mean, I'd want Dean to have someone, cause he's such a poor tortured soul. And it'd be great character development if he could start to have a serious relationship. We'd get to see different sides of the character. But NOOOO. Once the girl appeared, they found a million things that were wrong with her.

And what pisses me off the most is the fact that the creators seem to be caving in to the wishes of these dumb fans! Ohmygadness, does this make me mad. It is a story, not a role-playing game! I am interested in watching a story by you, not by these crazy girls. Kripke suddenly says Jo and Dean probably aren't going to get together because the fans don't agree with it. I mean come on! You totally set it up as a romantic thing and you're going completely roundabout now? Don't ruin this for me. I thought you guys were good writers and made fantastically funny dialogue. Don't ruin your credibility. Please please please.

My problem is that I invest too much emotion and time into such frivolous things. Hah. But boy, does this make my blood boil.

Why do I have to have these days when I feel inexplicably evil? I don't know. Right now, I feel evil, like I've done something very bad, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Yesterday, when I went for physics lecture (quantum physics is uber cool. it really is, I'm not a physics geek.), Nadzirah started talking about how we always feel ungrateful. How we can't help but envy those who seem to have it so easy. The super-smart and super-pretty and super-nice person we all know one way or another, and the person's seemingly super-perfect life. I agreed with her, of course. I have, time and again, declared the world supremely unfair because the cards I've been dealt with aren't as amazing.

Then I thought about who we should truly, truly admire, and I realise that, hey! They have never had it perfect. People who are truly extraordinary are the ones who've been given tough times but manage to triumph, you know? I mean, what's the point of having it all easy? Where's the challenge in that? Where's the substance in that, that will mould you into a greater person? Take the story of any prophet - Moses, Jesus, Rasulullah, people you should aspire to be, or pick the fictional ones, Batman, Spiderman, Wolverine even - and you find that their lives were always always far from perfect.

So, to cut this short, point is: embrace the difficulties in life for they will make you greater.

The other night, I came out of the kitchen to find my brother pretending to be a radio DJ, while my sister studied and listened to him. And he declared that his back-up jobs (should all lawyer-engineer-doctor professions not work out) would be 1) radio DJ, 2) bus driver and 3) nelayan (fisherman). That honestly tickled me. But it got me thinking too. I've had that list before. I wanted to become a National Geographic photographer once. But now, I've learnt to dream less. I also think it's damn cool to have Ian Wright's job. Who wouldn't want that. Lately, I've been dreaming of opening a cafe-cum-bookstore-cum-videostore somewhere in the heartland of Tampines. Maybe. But I have much less faith in dreams now than I used to. Oh well.

I was just watching E! while trying to plough through calculus and paris and nicole appeared on the screen. They were on their latest episode of simple life (I think) and they were supposed to be camp counselors. And you wouldn't believe what Nicole said.

Kid shakes hands with Nicole.
Nicole: Hey, how old are you?
Kid: 11 years old.
Nicole: Sexual.

WHAT. Trying to make 'sexual' the new 'hot', Nicole??? You couldn't imagine how much I laughed. What insanity! I fell off my stool and continued laughing on the floor. What is wrong with these people!

I mourn the sad state of my malay. Sis and me were trying to write a letter to our friends in Surabaya and we were so paralysed by our lack of Malay vocabulary. Half the time, I was laughing my ass off trying to find the words. I pride in my ability to scribble and crap, but now I find my weakness.

I have gotten over Joronoko's suspension on youtube. I shall wait for the episodes on tv. bahah. In the meantime, these are fantastic quotes from supernatural. :)

1. (Ash is a hobo-like, filthy-looking but very intelligent, sporadic character on the show.)
Ash shows the guys his tricked-out computer that's monitoring all the possible warning signs of demon emergence.
Sam: Ash, where did you learn to do all this?
Ash: MIT, before I got bounced for fighting.
Sam: (Disbelieving) MIT?
Ash: It's a school in Boston.

2. Dean: My name is Dean Winchester. I'm an Aquarius; I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach, and frisky women. And I did not kill anyone.

3. Dean: Dude, this is sweet! I never get to work jobs like this!
Sam: Like what?
Dean: Old school haunted houses. You know – fog, secret passageways, sissy British accents… we might even run into Fred and Daphne inside. [He gets a lustful look in his eyes.] Mmmm. Daphne. Love her.

4. Sam and Dean find Curtis in the bar, chugging down alcohol. He tells them what happened to him when he was abducted:
Curtis: They did tests on me, and, um, (chug) they probed me.
Dean: They probed you?
Curtis: Yeah, they probed me. Again and again and again and (chug) and again and again and again and then one more time.
Dean [completely deadpan]: Yikes.
Curtis: And that's not even the worst of it.
Dean: How could it get any worse? Some alien made you his bitch!
[Curtis glares at Dean. Dean looks abashed.]
Curtis: They… they made me…slow dance!

5. Sam blows up at Dean
Sam: Dude, You know something? I put up with a lot from you.
Dean: What are you talking a bout? I'm a joy to be around.
Sam: Yeah, your dirty socks in the sink? Your food in the fridge?
Dean: What's wrong with my food?
Sam: It's not food anymore, Dean, it's Darwinism!

HAHAHA.

I love them both. For the millionth time: brotherly love rocks.

I realise I always want to begin any entry with an exclamation of OHMYGOD. But now, really.

OHMYGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Youtube has suspended the account of the person who is the sole provider of my favourite tv show! I want to cry. NO!!!!! PLEASE. WHY ARE YOU EVIL.

I shall leave now to collect the pieces of my mind that has exploded into little bits over this shocking news.

I still haven't done my lsm lab reports!!! screwed. dead dead dead. I shall blame it on my siblings who don't have school and are making me think I have no classes either. blah to the world. And we have those talk till the night's old sessions; where conversations are rubbish and pure fun. And I have new jokes! I can't wait to tell someone.

I saw the spidey 3 trailer last night and I am so excited for it. :) my fave superhero. I have too many favourite things, I think.

I want to watch '300' tomorrow night but it looks like I'll be stuck doing lab reports. -__- I miss the cinema! I really really do! Blood Diamond was so long ago!

Dear God, please let me get through tomorrow.

Life is just a pot of crazy events.

Siiiiiiiiigh.

It's really irritating how your mood can swing drastically within a day. Everytime I step home, my mood goes downhill. I love my family but they drive me nuts. And I swear, I just can't study like this. Everyone is so freaking temperamental! Including me of course. So, really, it's a nightmare. My mum expresses herself too much that it angers people, my dad doesn't express himself ever and when he does, blows up inexplicably, and us three siblings are caught in the middle doing our own temperamental things to each other. Mostly me to my brother actually, cause I get fed up with him being favoured as the boy. And snap at him constantly.

Like last night, I snapped at him to go clean the kitchen cause hello, I come home at 8pm, have to be in school at 8am and yes, excuse me, I have work to finish by then. But no! Apparently, it is a sin for the male sex to stand at the sink. God, so pissifying. All he did during the day was watch a movie okay, whilst I have to be in school the entire frakking day. And he couldn't do this one thing. This attack on my brother was taken as a personal attack on my mother so she got pissed at me. For God's sake! So she cleaned the kitchen just to prove something to me. Did I ask her to, huh? Huh! I just wanted some fairness, hello! There's no excuse or religious basis for perpetuating this stupid women-serve-men thing because Rasulullah helped with the housework, okay. And did I say I never ever wanted to clean the kitchen ever? I just meant that night! And am I not allowed to get pissed at having to do so much work? omg. frustration to the max.

breeeeathe.

see. it's nuts.

And when I was in school, I wanted to blog about something funny that happened but once I got home, my mood changed. How to blog about something funny, you tell me.

okay, I'm going to try anyway. Because what happened was truly hilarious. I was having a very long, difficult physics prac. And my partner and I were practically the last people to print out our graphs. Then this guy comes over and says he wants our graph cause his sucks and every other printer is off. So we were like, okay. Then I was clicking on the mouse and asked him, "You want this one, right?" And he went, "Yar." And the printing window came out. And the cursor was at the "No. of copies" section. So I typed 4 and he simultaneously typed 3 and I simultaneously clicked the OK button. HAHA. 43 copies yo. I almost screamed. And I went, "OMG! Shit!" Then I tried to find the printer window to cancel the print you know, but for some reason it was obscure on the physics comp and I couldn't think straight and find it. And all the while, the freaking laser printer is churning out paper every three seconds. And the guy's like, "It's okay, it's okay! There isn't enough paper anyway!" And he goes among the churning papers and frantically bangs on the power buttons but nothing works. And I wasn't helping things by going oh-my-god contantly and laughing like a maniac. Then finally he tugged on the cable and the printer finally died. Immediately it became quiet, and hell, it was so funny! Then my partner came back to us and went, "What happened!" And I could barely explain to him cause I was laughing like crazy.

The poor wasted papers. Woooh.

Sometimes I think it just gets too hard. Work, life, the whole thing.

I think it's pretty much official about myself - that I start laughing at a higher frequency when I'm stressed. Which is a good thing, I guess, because it sort of relieves some of that stress. I remember me and Jean cracking our heads over physics S in JC and me laughing my head off at the fact that we couldn't do the questions. I dont know, finding myself clueless over math questions for instance sets me off somehow. The situation seems ridiculous. Like today, me, aisyah and adilah were having a freaking hard time doing math at the maple lab. We couldn't do the last half of it and I just wanted to laugh and laugh. Aisyah was like, "Shamiah, I want to cry..." I was like, "Me too!" But I was laughing away. And Adilah said, "Die you Maple! Die!" Which of course sent me into another fit of giggles. Really. But I got home and the stress got too much and I felt so terribly misunderstood, that I finally cried.

Anyway, I painfully took down all of the metaphors in Walter Lippmann's text for writing class. And I just wanted to add this idea of his here, that's very interesting, and also quite true I think. He says, "Sometimes people create their own facade when they think they are revealing the interior scene." He was referring to autobiographers and how when they reveal intimate details about themselves to others, they think they're revealing the truth about themselves but they're just telling people what they think about themselves. So I was thinking about blogs and how, whatever I'm blogging, is what I think of myself, and the truth of me? Who knows. Only God then. Or perhaps the only way to know someone as much as possible is to live with them.

Also, I wanted to talk about Speed. My favourite action movie ever. It played on Star Movies last night and I watched it again (can't resist). The first time I saw it was when I was eight and I fell in love with a Hollywood star for the first time. I don't care if Keanu isn't Oscar material, he's just so terribly good-looking. And it's been more than 10 years, and man, it's true what they say: first loves don't fade. So last night was nice cause I got to watch it again although I didn't do my programming tutorial. And it was funny too cause my brother and sister kept discussing Keanu's perfectly shaped eyebrows and whether he actually trimmed it or shaped it or whatnot. Rubbish I say. All au natural.

I screwed up programming. Dieeee.

I was reading this story once and came across a fantastic way to relieve stress and frustration. In the story, this lady was fed up with her life and needed desperately to scream. But instead of morphing into a banshee and destroying her throat, she went to a store and bought reasonably cheap china plates. Boxes and boxes of them. Then she stood in the middle of her kitchen and smashed each plate onto the floor.

Ah. Stress-relief. I should get my own plates. But my mum would kill me if I have pieces of porcelain on the floor.

It's that feeling of frustration that you can't shake, you know, that makes you want to break something. Frustration that easily transforms into irrational anger. I keep wanting to pick up a rock and break someones window. Other times, I wish I could get away from it, so I imagine I could jump into a big fat vat of goo and sink slowly and peacefully to the bottom, so that all the noise stays away above the surface. And all's quiet down where I am in the goo.

goodness, why am I like this?

Anyway, yesterday's movie night was nice, although I was close to falling asleep at the end of the movie cause I was so tired. The pizza was fantastic, Nerney's flat was beautiful (seriously gorgeous and well-tended greenery) and the projector and screen provided me with my much-missed cinematic experience. And Pleasantville was nice even though I'd watched it more than once before.

I like the bit at the end of the movie, when David's mum complains how she's such a wreck cause she's forty years old and a widow and miserable. How when her husband was still alive they had planned for the perfect car, the perfect house, the perfect life. And how everything's wrong now and it's not supposed to be like this. And David tells her, "It's okay. It's not supposed to be anything."

It's not supposed to be anything. I'm okay, I guess.

Extremely high exhaustion level. Towards the end of today, I might fall asleep on my feet. (Having consecutive papers and fieldtrips and seminars and ill-timed lessons will do that to you.)

Am at the central library and for some inexplicable reason, I can't log into hotmail. -___- Mood is so going downhill.

After the zoo fieldtrip I have in less than an hour, I'm going to Nerney's place at Kent Vale for a movie seminar-cum-dinner thing. It sounds like fun, so hopefully I won't be sleepy for that. Nerney is far too nice I think. He's providing pizza.

Okay, I'm far too sleepy to blog. Incoherent thoughts.

Oh, I bought this month's First mag and read about '300' the movie and I realise that I miss the cinema.

bye.

I have several problems. And right now, I don't know what to do about them because these problems are inherent and to be rid of them would require my having a personality change. And I don't know how to do that.

Like the fact that I am 100% sloth. I took a blog quiz thing and of all the deadly sins, sloth ranked number one at 100%!!! Yes, it's a stupid quiz, but still. I quite agree. I am so lazy sometimes, I scare myself. Honestly, how have I ever survived this far?

Then there's the fact that I am much too extreme. My brain cannot understand the concept of moderation. Like when I like something, I really like it a lot. I go seriously nuts about it. When I fall in love with a song, I'll listen it to uncountable times. Then even when I have to go off and stop listening to it, the lyrics are ringing in my head. It's madness. Why do I do this to myself. I overkill everything. I love to obsess.

why why why.

I have a physics assignment due in less than 10 minutes and I still have a question undone. See the extent of my sloth-like qualities?

I think my obsessions are drugs. They're so freaking addictive. When I suddenly find myself with nothing to obsess over, I suffer the withdrawal symptoms - perpetual moroseness, despair etc.

Possibly I need a shrink.

NO. I don't want to be mad. Not really.

I think I need to be closer to God.

Brrreeeeaaaattthhhhe.

I was just thinking in the car on the way home today, how the future of this secular world was going to be like. People are increasingly uncertain of the existence of a God. To most people, religion is just an extra something for spiritual health. They don't honestly believe in angels or prophets or the idea of heaven. In the future, would anyone at all believe in the magical or supernatural or almighty? Would everything be utterly scientific; people believing only if given uncontested data and statistics? It's sad. It's just really sad.

I feel so evil. I faked sick and didn't turn up for this morning's writing class. I hope nerney doesn't blacklist me! I just needed to mug last-minute on calculus and I hadn't done any preparation for the presentation anyway. The guilt is eating me up.

2 months to the end of this semester. I swear, I cannot wait!

Maybe I should come here less.

I am so happy! I got snail mail from the london birds! Snail mail never fails to cheer people up. Because it's a lot of effort to put everything down by hand and getting a nice card and a nice envelope and then buying a stamp and posting. It's all so sweet.

I love the card! And I love the messages! And Pigey is coming back in April! Yayee. We shall all go out for dinner together.

I keep saying I miss all these people who have been missing. But then I realise that... it isn't so much that. It's not like I never get to see them or I never get to chat. We get to talk enough. MSN is only a click away.

It's more like... I miss who we were together, and who I was with them. I think I'm a little different now, and I miss the me I used to be. I feel so old somehow.

Crap, I tell you! I got caught doing something stupid by my dad, and it is so mortally embarassing. How am I going to live this down? He's going to torture me with it till I'm old and wrinkly. At least I'm good at pretending it's no big deal. Blah! I swear, the stupid doorbell is just too damn soft.

Teroka Seni actually went very well today. I am content. Despite the fact that I'll be faced with a scary amount of workload tomorrow, tonight shall be a happy night because our work eventually turned out nice and good. Sure, there was much cursing and stress and why-did-I-ever-agree-to-do-this moments, but in the end, those things fade away. :)

The thing about life is that it will inevitably be filled with both horrible moments and contrastingly wonderful ones. The trick is to blow up the happy times, make yourself grateful and at the same time, ball up the pain of the horrid times, and throw it all out. So that you fall asleep remembering to thank God.

Omgness. I am so extremely screwed for calculus. Also for Cprog. Also for physics. Also will very probably not get the TLL intern thing cause of my miserable CV. Also feel stressed for teroka seni tmr. Okay. I am approaching a deep valley. I am aware of it, it is a part of life and I shall not let my misery and failures overcome me.

Feel like pasting long-overdue surabaya photos.

Okay, I need someone to throw a brick at my head. Get me out of the damn clouds!!!

I don't know why but I feel utterly restless. I can't make myself sit and do work. It's frustrating.

I think I have a really big problem overcoming inertia - changing my current state. Because I have been in lazy mode for the past three days, I want to keep being lazy. It feels nice. But you see, I remember last friday, I was in ultra work mode, and I wanted to keep working so much that even at night, after we had dinner at balithai, I went back to figuring out my programming lab question till midnight.

Although I have to admit: getting from work mode to laze mode is infinitely, infinitely easier.

Idle hands are the devil's workshop. I have to get on with work. eeyah. so frustrating.

And oh, the family came back and I saw the photos and okay, I'm so damn jealous. I can't believe I missed out on so much fun. Kak Shida actually sabo-ed Hussain to sing on stage at the hotel. I can't believe I didn't get to see that!!! And I want to see Luth! Who apparently has gotten very attached to Said. God damn the LSM report. I better get a nice grade for it this sem.

yesterday, nekmah came over to give me nasi sambal goreng so I sat down with her and ate and I made her watch vivah with me. and it was funny. cause she started talking about how she and tok alleh barely said anything to each other before they got married. and how when he used to come over to her house to meet her family, for formality's sake, she would think, "Oh no! Why can't he just stay home and leave me alone..." Hilarious. Apparently, they never knew what to say to each other and every meeting prior to the wedding was super awkward and such a torture. oh, and she also told me tok brahim's old nickname was chotti.

and at night, nani called to give me mee hoon. seriously, family is so important. at this moment, I don't think I can ever be abandoned, should anything horrible ever happen to my immediate family ALLAH AND RASUL FORBID, because there's a whole list of relatives who would care enough to see me well-fed and sleeping tight. Bibik actually came up to give me the mee hoon and offered me to stay over at nani's. haha. but no, I'm not scared of the dark or being alone in a double-storey flat. just the roaches, which thank god did not make any sort of appearance.

And now, I'm waiting for the family to return. And sipping on my thus-far uncontested favourite beverage: caramel frap. Whilst watching talk shows on youtube. Blah. I should be studying or working on terokaseni, but right now, I just can't bring myself to be responsible.

omg. Vivah rocks. So much chemistry between Shahid and Amrita. There isn't a solid storyline but it just makes you glued to the screen. I swear, the hottest, heart-stopping, romantic scenes are rarely full-blown snogs or other bordering-on-porn scenes. The best ones are the ones which have passion subtly controlled but just brimming over.

Like the brushing of fingers, or drinking from the same cup and staring into each other's eyes. Or the right choice of words. Oh my goodness. Or the grasping of hands that says a million words. You just have it to see it for yourself.

It's the same with Prison Break too. Okay, I'm going to give Season 2 spoilers so back off now if you care. In Season 2, Michael and Sara eventually get together and make out in a toilet (okay, this sounds bad, haha). But I still think the hottest scene is when Michael held her wrist all the way back in Season 1, and Sara freezes in anticipation, and he simply said thank you whilst giving his beautiful blue steel stare. The whole meaning behind the gesture was indecribable. It was breath-hitching, you know? It's like a whole different level of whoa-ness.

That's what makes good romance for me. Hold off the real action till the end, stretch the tension and you have sweet, sweet torture. Like in Lymond too; the romance was top-notch. They kissed only in the very last chapter (or might have been the penultimate, but at least near the end). And there was much eye-gazing and staring and Francis calling her Yunitsa.

I am such a sucker for this.

I really meant for me to be productive all this weekend. That's the reason I opted out of the M'sia Trip anyway and am as a consequence utterly home alone. But all I've been doing the entire day is lug my book around the house but not reading it and watching sap shows on tv. I really desperately need a dose of self-discipline-potion (I keep wishing there was one).

Anyway, I cried so much watching tv today, it's nuts. I think being really alone releases you of the inhibitions you never realised you put on yourself when around others. So I learnt I am really an uber uber sap. Oh, I already knew I was sappy, but didn't quite know the extent. I watched Dark Water and the movie was only so-so but it reduced me to a horrible puddle of tears. And I watched the last bit of Sisterhood of Travelling Pants again and cried at America Ferrera and Amber Tamblyn's scenes because they're both superb young actresses and the sadness just seeps through the screen. And then I watched Virrudh on Vasantham; the first half sucked, but John Abraham was in it and it sustained me, heh, so I reached the second half which was good and sad and so I cried again.

Speaking of which, I don't quite understand why I'm so attracted to Bollywood. Possibly the large percentage of Indian blood in me? Or more probably, the melodrama! I love melodrama. Bollywood lets me indulge that side of me.

I have this theory that the more sappy the person, the more unsappy the person seems. I know some people. And me. I have been told before that I constantly have a calm facade. Oh, but if you only knew me.

The birds did give me an "I AM NOT PARANOID" badge for my birthday once.

It is going to be midnight soon and I feel lonely. The only people I spoke to today: the mat at mcdonald's, umi and iqah over the phone, for like a minute, and nekmah for two minutes.

And another problem with being alone is that no one will help me chase the cockroaches away (if they come!).

Okay, shall go back to tv. Will will will will will will will study tomorrow.

Damn you maple! The stupid Maple Math Quiz thing is driving me nuts. There's a freaking question that is freaking impossible to do! I can't stand it!

This is the question:

Let f(x) = arctan(arcsin x) - arcsin(arctan x). Let n be the smallest positive integer such that
f^(n)(0), or the answer when you substitute x=0 into f differentiated n times, is not equal to zero. Then n = ___ ?

And I used the computer to find the derivative and I found like 5 derivatives but they're all equal to zero! And the derivatives just GET LONGER AND LONGER and they're full of stupid fractions and multiple arctans and arcsins and I'm going blind substituting x=0 into them!

Frrraaaaaak.

So annoying. And I have no one to whine to right now (in math comp lab), so here I dump my frustration.

Whatever. Maybe I'll ask Aisyah what answer she gave for the bloody question. Or I'll just give a random answer because each quiz is worth only 1.5%. I'll lose only 0.3% if I get this one wrong.

Damn bloody irritating thing.

and dmn pentas budaya meeting. very nice timing lah. I swear to god, I am so done.

Last night, we waited for the clock to strike 12, and then we made a lot of noise to wake my dad up, cause it was his birthday. And we ate cake in bed. And I gave my dad an NUS jacket. Muaha. He wanted it lah. My mum watched tons of Roswell. She loves it far too much.

Teroka Seni is becoming a serious headache. I really shouldn't have involved myself in any extracurricular activities because I'm a horrible procrastinator as it is, and having all this assthings to do just aggravates my problematic situation.

I have to be a good daughter, a good student, a good friend, a good sister. I think being all at once is insanely difficult and practically impossible. Like I said, something's gotta give. I think I was a good daughter yesterday, but I trashed work so that makes me a bad student. How do people do it all at once? And how do people add more to the load - good girlfriend, good mum etc?

Perfection is a dangerous thing to chase.

I just had Nerney's writing class and apparently his wife was his student once! Like whoa. Okay, so he was one of those graduate tutors, so he was still a young man when she was studying, but still! Teacher-student relationships, thus far, I've only read in fics. He claims he didn't court her during her study, but he waited till she was done with her course. How sweet.

I can't stand my procrastinating habits. It will be the death of me some day. I still haven't done my math quiz due tonight and the TLLinternship application due at 6pm today! Freakazoid. And I have arabic in a while.

Two things I want to do well during the summer break:
1. Be excellent at my internship if I get it
2. Increase arabic fluency level!!!

And oh of course!

3. Say farewell to Harry Potter. (waaaaah.)

HP has been such a big part of my teenage years. It's kind of apt that the last book is out this year; the year I say goodbye to adolescence. I can't believe I'm supposed to be an adult when inside, I'm as clueless as ever about a large part of life.

Mudaris is here! bye.

Yay, I finished my Paper 1 for UWC! It's good to have slogged and produced something good in the end.

Talking about London is making me remember this:

When we bought Duckie a trashy romance novel for her birthday and made her promise to read it. Hehe.

Although I did finish the freaking paper, I still didn't finish my homework. Bad me.

Teroka Seni taklimat tomorrow! And also seeing Sowmya, yay.

And omg. Am reading McTabby's Summary Executions (where we make fun of harrypotter fanfiction summaries) and HAHA. I can't believe someone spelled Voldemort, "Voloomort"! So insane.

Also: Harry and Ginny both play the violin for the Opera Cosi fan Tutte by Mozart. How do people think of such random things! hilarious. why would I want to read a fic about harry playing the violin? honestly.

why won't you leave me in peace.

I can't wait for this semester to be over! It's full of nightmare weeks where I get barely enough sleep and I feel so extremely stressed. Why do I do this to myself. Gone are the wonderful days of just 4-6pm lectures. Damn. I should have cherished last sem.

I want to sleeeeeep.

Listening to a radio interview of Wentworth Miller. (God, it is so obvious I have a pathetic life.) And the DJ goes, "Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've found the perfect man!" Cause someone asked him what he did with his first PB paycheck and he said he took a flight home to visit his family. Goodness.

Something's gotta give, you know, no one's perfect. We just haven't found it yet. Man.

I'm starting to like the idea that I talk about tv here more than anything else. Because I'm prickly about telling the world what I feel. Talking about the telly just seems really safe. Bytheway, I realise my guestbook's dead. Because the people who usually fill it are far away and have apparently forgotten me. I mean Duck, mostly, because I haven't heard from her in eons, it seems, and she barely updates her own LJ. London has conquered her brain. And I hate the fact that mine and Eunice's timetables clash really really badly that we can't even go home together like we did last sem. And Pigey's just... elusive.

So yes, I'm a vagabond in NUS. I drift from faculty to faculty, befriending a variety of people, but never sticking to any one group. Sometimes I feel like I'm fading.

I watched the very last bit of Hitch on tv earlier today, again. The part where Will Smith actually jumps on a moving car to convince Eva Mendes that he loves her. And she practically shrieks (along the lines of), "Why did you jump? Are you trying to get yourself killed?" And he says, "Because that's what people do. They jump. And hope to God they can fly."

Fluffy fluffy fluffy. Hollywood gives a million advice about love and yet the red carpet is littered with marriage wrecks and divorces and failed relationships. Their credibility is seriously questionable. Actually. True love, like ghosts, is something people hear about, talk about, tell stories about, wish for but only few get to experience. It's one of the sad things in life.

ohmygosh. I do talk about tv too much in here. whatever.

Am watching supernatural and dean and sam are arguing over the existence of angels. Sam says they exist because there's over a tonne of lore on angels alone, more than anything else! And Dean replies, "Oh you know what? There's a ton of lore on unicorns too. I hear that they ride on silver moonbeams and they shoot rainbows out of their ass." The Dean I adore. Cracks me up.

Went out with the ex-math-sy people today! We ate at Sakura and walked a lot and sat at coffee bean to talk. And I met hudy and marli's sec school friend. And I realise the world is waaay too small.

And then went to Abang Yan's to meet family. And when we were in the car on the way out at midnight, there was this makcik by the side of the carpark who peered into our car and I got completely freaked out. She wore a tudung but she was dressed in black and what the hell was she doing out alone at midnight? She was scarily weird! She had this grim expression on and I was insanely wondering if she was a nenek kebayan. She peered in, but my dad drove on, and then she started to walk towards us to try to peer in again, and I was like begging my dad to hurry and go. Freeeeaaakky.

The more I think about it, the more certain I am that NUS should have a motel on campus. They can charge rooms by the hour. So that I can actually sleep on a bed during horribly long three-to-four hour breaks! Seriously man. I'll end up sleeping with my head propped on a wooden table and it is decidedly uncomfortable and frustratingly unsatisfying. You wake up wishing you'd been in a bed. And then you'll be irritable all through the rest of the lectures of the day, struggling to stay awake. Damn it.

Really! Why doesn't someone have a motel on campus! It would work! It would! For people who don't stay at hall but want to sleep on campus at times.