Life is just a pot of crazy events.

Siiiiiiiiigh.

It's really irritating how your mood can swing drastically within a day. Everytime I step home, my mood goes downhill. I love my family but they drive me nuts. And I swear, I just can't study like this. Everyone is so freaking temperamental! Including me of course. So, really, it's a nightmare. My mum expresses herself too much that it angers people, my dad doesn't express himself ever and when he does, blows up inexplicably, and us three siblings are caught in the middle doing our own temperamental things to each other. Mostly me to my brother actually, cause I get fed up with him being favoured as the boy. And snap at him constantly.

Like last night, I snapped at him to go clean the kitchen cause hello, I come home at 8pm, have to be in school at 8am and yes, excuse me, I have work to finish by then. But no! Apparently, it is a sin for the male sex to stand at the sink. God, so pissifying. All he did during the day was watch a movie okay, whilst I have to be in school the entire frakking day. And he couldn't do this one thing. This attack on my brother was taken as a personal attack on my mother so she got pissed at me. For God's sake! So she cleaned the kitchen just to prove something to me. Did I ask her to, huh? Huh! I just wanted some fairness, hello! There's no excuse or religious basis for perpetuating this stupid women-serve-men thing because Rasulullah helped with the housework, okay. And did I say I never ever wanted to clean the kitchen ever? I just meant that night! And am I not allowed to get pissed at having to do so much work? omg. frustration to the max.

breeeeathe.

see. it's nuts.

And when I was in school, I wanted to blog about something funny that happened but once I got home, my mood changed. How to blog about something funny, you tell me.

okay, I'm going to try anyway. Because what happened was truly hilarious. I was having a very long, difficult physics prac. And my partner and I were practically the last people to print out our graphs. Then this guy comes over and says he wants our graph cause his sucks and every other printer is off. So we were like, okay. Then I was clicking on the mouse and asked him, "You want this one, right?" And he went, "Yar." And the printing window came out. And the cursor was at the "No. of copies" section. So I typed 4 and he simultaneously typed 3 and I simultaneously clicked the OK button. HAHA. 43 copies yo. I almost screamed. And I went, "OMG! Shit!" Then I tried to find the printer window to cancel the print you know, but for some reason it was obscure on the physics comp and I couldn't think straight and find it. And all the while, the freaking laser printer is churning out paper every three seconds. And the guy's like, "It's okay, it's okay! There isn't enough paper anyway!" And he goes among the churning papers and frantically bangs on the power buttons but nothing works. And I wasn't helping things by going oh-my-god contantly and laughing like a maniac. Then finally he tugged on the cable and the printer finally died. Immediately it became quiet, and hell, it was so funny! Then my partner came back to us and went, "What happened!" And I could barely explain to him cause I was laughing like crazy.

The poor wasted papers. Woooh.

Sometimes I think it just gets too hard. Work, life, the whole thing.

I think it's pretty much official about myself - that I start laughing at a higher frequency when I'm stressed. Which is a good thing, I guess, because it sort of relieves some of that stress. I remember me and Jean cracking our heads over physics S in JC and me laughing my head off at the fact that we couldn't do the questions. I dont know, finding myself clueless over math questions for instance sets me off somehow. The situation seems ridiculous. Like today, me, aisyah and adilah were having a freaking hard time doing math at the maple lab. We couldn't do the last half of it and I just wanted to laugh and laugh. Aisyah was like, "Shamiah, I want to cry..." I was like, "Me too!" But I was laughing away. And Adilah said, "Die you Maple! Die!" Which of course sent me into another fit of giggles. Really. But I got home and the stress got too much and I felt so terribly misunderstood, that I finally cried.

Anyway, I painfully took down all of the metaphors in Walter Lippmann's text for writing class. And I just wanted to add this idea of his here, that's very interesting, and also quite true I think. He says, "Sometimes people create their own facade when they think they are revealing the interior scene." He was referring to autobiographers and how when they reveal intimate details about themselves to others, they think they're revealing the truth about themselves but they're just telling people what they think about themselves. So I was thinking about blogs and how, whatever I'm blogging, is what I think of myself, and the truth of me? Who knows. Only God then. Or perhaps the only way to know someone as much as possible is to live with them.

Also, I wanted to talk about Speed. My favourite action movie ever. It played on Star Movies last night and I watched it again (can't resist). The first time I saw it was when I was eight and I fell in love with a Hollywood star for the first time. I don't care if Keanu isn't Oscar material, he's just so terribly good-looking. And it's been more than 10 years, and man, it's true what they say: first loves don't fade. So last night was nice cause I got to watch it again although I didn't do my programming tutorial. And it was funny too cause my brother and sister kept discussing Keanu's perfectly shaped eyebrows and whether he actually trimmed it or shaped it or whatnot. Rubbish I say. All au natural.

I screwed up programming. Dieeee.

I was reading this story once and came across a fantastic way to relieve stress and frustration. In the story, this lady was fed up with her life and needed desperately to scream. But instead of morphing into a banshee and destroying her throat, she went to a store and bought reasonably cheap china plates. Boxes and boxes of them. Then she stood in the middle of her kitchen and smashed each plate onto the floor.

Ah. Stress-relief. I should get my own plates. But my mum would kill me if I have pieces of porcelain on the floor.

It's that feeling of frustration that you can't shake, you know, that makes you want to break something. Frustration that easily transforms into irrational anger. I keep wanting to pick up a rock and break someones window. Other times, I wish I could get away from it, so I imagine I could jump into a big fat vat of goo and sink slowly and peacefully to the bottom, so that all the noise stays away above the surface. And all's quiet down where I am in the goo.

goodness, why am I like this?

Anyway, yesterday's movie night was nice, although I was close to falling asleep at the end of the movie cause I was so tired. The pizza was fantastic, Nerney's flat was beautiful (seriously gorgeous and well-tended greenery) and the projector and screen provided me with my much-missed cinematic experience. And Pleasantville was nice even though I'd watched it more than once before.

I like the bit at the end of the movie, when David's mum complains how she's such a wreck cause she's forty years old and a widow and miserable. How when her husband was still alive they had planned for the perfect car, the perfect house, the perfect life. And how everything's wrong now and it's not supposed to be like this. And David tells her, "It's okay. It's not supposed to be anything."

It's not supposed to be anything. I'm okay, I guess.

Extremely high exhaustion level. Towards the end of today, I might fall asleep on my feet. (Having consecutive papers and fieldtrips and seminars and ill-timed lessons will do that to you.)

Am at the central library and for some inexplicable reason, I can't log into hotmail. -___- Mood is so going downhill.

After the zoo fieldtrip I have in less than an hour, I'm going to Nerney's place at Kent Vale for a movie seminar-cum-dinner thing. It sounds like fun, so hopefully I won't be sleepy for that. Nerney is far too nice I think. He's providing pizza.

Okay, I'm far too sleepy to blog. Incoherent thoughts.

Oh, I bought this month's First mag and read about '300' the movie and I realise that I miss the cinema.

bye.

I have several problems. And right now, I don't know what to do about them because these problems are inherent and to be rid of them would require my having a personality change. And I don't know how to do that.

Like the fact that I am 100% sloth. I took a blog quiz thing and of all the deadly sins, sloth ranked number one at 100%!!! Yes, it's a stupid quiz, but still. I quite agree. I am so lazy sometimes, I scare myself. Honestly, how have I ever survived this far?

Then there's the fact that I am much too extreme. My brain cannot understand the concept of moderation. Like when I like something, I really like it a lot. I go seriously nuts about it. When I fall in love with a song, I'll listen it to uncountable times. Then even when I have to go off and stop listening to it, the lyrics are ringing in my head. It's madness. Why do I do this to myself. I overkill everything. I love to obsess.

why why why.

I have a physics assignment due in less than 10 minutes and I still have a question undone. See the extent of my sloth-like qualities?

I think my obsessions are drugs. They're so freaking addictive. When I suddenly find myself with nothing to obsess over, I suffer the withdrawal symptoms - perpetual moroseness, despair etc.

Possibly I need a shrink.

NO. I don't want to be mad. Not really.

I think I need to be closer to God.

Brrreeeeaaaattthhhhe.

I was just thinking in the car on the way home today, how the future of this secular world was going to be like. People are increasingly uncertain of the existence of a God. To most people, religion is just an extra something for spiritual health. They don't honestly believe in angels or prophets or the idea of heaven. In the future, would anyone at all believe in the magical or supernatural or almighty? Would everything be utterly scientific; people believing only if given uncontested data and statistics? It's sad. It's just really sad.

I feel so evil. I faked sick and didn't turn up for this morning's writing class. I hope nerney doesn't blacklist me! I just needed to mug last-minute on calculus and I hadn't done any preparation for the presentation anyway. The guilt is eating me up.

2 months to the end of this semester. I swear, I cannot wait!

Maybe I should come here less.

I am so happy! I got snail mail from the london birds! Snail mail never fails to cheer people up. Because it's a lot of effort to put everything down by hand and getting a nice card and a nice envelope and then buying a stamp and posting. It's all so sweet.

I love the card! And I love the messages! And Pigey is coming back in April! Yayee. We shall all go out for dinner together.

I keep saying I miss all these people who have been missing. But then I realise that... it isn't so much that. It's not like I never get to see them or I never get to chat. We get to talk enough. MSN is only a click away.

It's more like... I miss who we were together, and who I was with them. I think I'm a little different now, and I miss the me I used to be. I feel so old somehow.

Crap, I tell you! I got caught doing something stupid by my dad, and it is so mortally embarassing. How am I going to live this down? He's going to torture me with it till I'm old and wrinkly. At least I'm good at pretending it's no big deal. Blah! I swear, the stupid doorbell is just too damn soft.

Teroka Seni actually went very well today. I am content. Despite the fact that I'll be faced with a scary amount of workload tomorrow, tonight shall be a happy night because our work eventually turned out nice and good. Sure, there was much cursing and stress and why-did-I-ever-agree-to-do-this moments, but in the end, those things fade away. :)

The thing about life is that it will inevitably be filled with both horrible moments and contrastingly wonderful ones. The trick is to blow up the happy times, make yourself grateful and at the same time, ball up the pain of the horrid times, and throw it all out. So that you fall asleep remembering to thank God.

Omgness. I am so extremely screwed for calculus. Also for Cprog. Also for physics. Also will very probably not get the TLL intern thing cause of my miserable CV. Also feel stressed for teroka seni tmr. Okay. I am approaching a deep valley. I am aware of it, it is a part of life and I shall not let my misery and failures overcome me.

Feel like pasting long-overdue surabaya photos.

Okay, I need someone to throw a brick at my head. Get me out of the damn clouds!!!

I don't know why but I feel utterly restless. I can't make myself sit and do work. It's frustrating.

I think I have a really big problem overcoming inertia - changing my current state. Because I have been in lazy mode for the past three days, I want to keep being lazy. It feels nice. But you see, I remember last friday, I was in ultra work mode, and I wanted to keep working so much that even at night, after we had dinner at balithai, I went back to figuring out my programming lab question till midnight.

Although I have to admit: getting from work mode to laze mode is infinitely, infinitely easier.

Idle hands are the devil's workshop. I have to get on with work. eeyah. so frustrating.

And oh, the family came back and I saw the photos and okay, I'm so damn jealous. I can't believe I missed out on so much fun. Kak Shida actually sabo-ed Hussain to sing on stage at the hotel. I can't believe I didn't get to see that!!! And I want to see Luth! Who apparently has gotten very attached to Said. God damn the LSM report. I better get a nice grade for it this sem.

yesterday, nekmah came over to give me nasi sambal goreng so I sat down with her and ate and I made her watch vivah with me. and it was funny. cause she started talking about how she and tok alleh barely said anything to each other before they got married. and how when he used to come over to her house to meet her family, for formality's sake, she would think, "Oh no! Why can't he just stay home and leave me alone..." Hilarious. Apparently, they never knew what to say to each other and every meeting prior to the wedding was super awkward and such a torture. oh, and she also told me tok brahim's old nickname was chotti.

and at night, nani called to give me mee hoon. seriously, family is so important. at this moment, I don't think I can ever be abandoned, should anything horrible ever happen to my immediate family ALLAH AND RASUL FORBID, because there's a whole list of relatives who would care enough to see me well-fed and sleeping tight. Bibik actually came up to give me the mee hoon and offered me to stay over at nani's. haha. but no, I'm not scared of the dark or being alone in a double-storey flat. just the roaches, which thank god did not make any sort of appearance.

And now, I'm waiting for the family to return. And sipping on my thus-far uncontested favourite beverage: caramel frap. Whilst watching talk shows on youtube. Blah. I should be studying or working on terokaseni, but right now, I just can't bring myself to be responsible.

omg. Vivah rocks. So much chemistry between Shahid and Amrita. There isn't a solid storyline but it just makes you glued to the screen. I swear, the hottest, heart-stopping, romantic scenes are rarely full-blown snogs or other bordering-on-porn scenes. The best ones are the ones which have passion subtly controlled but just brimming over.

Like the brushing of fingers, or drinking from the same cup and staring into each other's eyes. Or the right choice of words. Oh my goodness. Or the grasping of hands that says a million words. You just have it to see it for yourself.

It's the same with Prison Break too. Okay, I'm going to give Season 2 spoilers so back off now if you care. In Season 2, Michael and Sara eventually get together and make out in a toilet (okay, this sounds bad, haha). But I still think the hottest scene is when Michael held her wrist all the way back in Season 1, and Sara freezes in anticipation, and he simply said thank you whilst giving his beautiful blue steel stare. The whole meaning behind the gesture was indecribable. It was breath-hitching, you know? It's like a whole different level of whoa-ness.

That's what makes good romance for me. Hold off the real action till the end, stretch the tension and you have sweet, sweet torture. Like in Lymond too; the romance was top-notch. They kissed only in the very last chapter (or might have been the penultimate, but at least near the end). And there was much eye-gazing and staring and Francis calling her Yunitsa.

I am such a sucker for this.

I really meant for me to be productive all this weekend. That's the reason I opted out of the M'sia Trip anyway and am as a consequence utterly home alone. But all I've been doing the entire day is lug my book around the house but not reading it and watching sap shows on tv. I really desperately need a dose of self-discipline-potion (I keep wishing there was one).

Anyway, I cried so much watching tv today, it's nuts. I think being really alone releases you of the inhibitions you never realised you put on yourself when around others. So I learnt I am really an uber uber sap. Oh, I already knew I was sappy, but didn't quite know the extent. I watched Dark Water and the movie was only so-so but it reduced me to a horrible puddle of tears. And I watched the last bit of Sisterhood of Travelling Pants again and cried at America Ferrera and Amber Tamblyn's scenes because they're both superb young actresses and the sadness just seeps through the screen. And then I watched Virrudh on Vasantham; the first half sucked, but John Abraham was in it and it sustained me, heh, so I reached the second half which was good and sad and so I cried again.

Speaking of which, I don't quite understand why I'm so attracted to Bollywood. Possibly the large percentage of Indian blood in me? Or more probably, the melodrama! I love melodrama. Bollywood lets me indulge that side of me.

I have this theory that the more sappy the person, the more unsappy the person seems. I know some people. And me. I have been told before that I constantly have a calm facade. Oh, but if you only knew me.

The birds did give me an "I AM NOT PARANOID" badge for my birthday once.

It is going to be midnight soon and I feel lonely. The only people I spoke to today: the mat at mcdonald's, umi and iqah over the phone, for like a minute, and nekmah for two minutes.

And another problem with being alone is that no one will help me chase the cockroaches away (if they come!).

Okay, shall go back to tv. Will will will will will will will study tomorrow.

Damn you maple! The stupid Maple Math Quiz thing is driving me nuts. There's a freaking question that is freaking impossible to do! I can't stand it!

This is the question:

Let f(x) = arctan(arcsin x) - arcsin(arctan x). Let n be the smallest positive integer such that
f^(n)(0), or the answer when you substitute x=0 into f differentiated n times, is not equal to zero. Then n = ___ ?

And I used the computer to find the derivative and I found like 5 derivatives but they're all equal to zero! And the derivatives just GET LONGER AND LONGER and they're full of stupid fractions and multiple arctans and arcsins and I'm going blind substituting x=0 into them!

Frrraaaaaak.

So annoying. And I have no one to whine to right now (in math comp lab), so here I dump my frustration.

Whatever. Maybe I'll ask Aisyah what answer she gave for the bloody question. Or I'll just give a random answer because each quiz is worth only 1.5%. I'll lose only 0.3% if I get this one wrong.

Damn bloody irritating thing.

and dmn pentas budaya meeting. very nice timing lah. I swear to god, I am so done.

Last night, we waited for the clock to strike 12, and then we made a lot of noise to wake my dad up, cause it was his birthday. And we ate cake in bed. And I gave my dad an NUS jacket. Muaha. He wanted it lah. My mum watched tons of Roswell. She loves it far too much.

Teroka Seni is becoming a serious headache. I really shouldn't have involved myself in any extracurricular activities because I'm a horrible procrastinator as it is, and having all this assthings to do just aggravates my problematic situation.

I have to be a good daughter, a good student, a good friend, a good sister. I think being all at once is insanely difficult and practically impossible. Like I said, something's gotta give. I think I was a good daughter yesterday, but I trashed work so that makes me a bad student. How do people do it all at once? And how do people add more to the load - good girlfriend, good mum etc?

Perfection is a dangerous thing to chase.

I just had Nerney's writing class and apparently his wife was his student once! Like whoa. Okay, so he was one of those graduate tutors, so he was still a young man when she was studying, but still! Teacher-student relationships, thus far, I've only read in fics. He claims he didn't court her during her study, but he waited till she was done with her course. How sweet.

I can't stand my procrastinating habits. It will be the death of me some day. I still haven't done my math quiz due tonight and the TLLinternship application due at 6pm today! Freakazoid. And I have arabic in a while.

Two things I want to do well during the summer break:
1. Be excellent at my internship if I get it
2. Increase arabic fluency level!!!

And oh of course!

3. Say farewell to Harry Potter. (waaaaah.)

HP has been such a big part of my teenage years. It's kind of apt that the last book is out this year; the year I say goodbye to adolescence. I can't believe I'm supposed to be an adult when inside, I'm as clueless as ever about a large part of life.

Mudaris is here! bye.

Yay, I finished my Paper 1 for UWC! It's good to have slogged and produced something good in the end.

Talking about London is making me remember this:

When we bought Duckie a trashy romance novel for her birthday and made her promise to read it. Hehe.

Although I did finish the freaking paper, I still didn't finish my homework. Bad me.

Teroka Seni taklimat tomorrow! And also seeing Sowmya, yay.

And omg. Am reading McTabby's Summary Executions (where we make fun of harrypotter fanfiction summaries) and HAHA. I can't believe someone spelled Voldemort, "Voloomort"! So insane.

Also: Harry and Ginny both play the violin for the Opera Cosi fan Tutte by Mozart. How do people think of such random things! hilarious. why would I want to read a fic about harry playing the violin? honestly.

why won't you leave me in peace.

I can't wait for this semester to be over! It's full of nightmare weeks where I get barely enough sleep and I feel so extremely stressed. Why do I do this to myself. Gone are the wonderful days of just 4-6pm lectures. Damn. I should have cherished last sem.

I want to sleeeeeep.

Listening to a radio interview of Wentworth Miller. (God, it is so obvious I have a pathetic life.) And the DJ goes, "Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've found the perfect man!" Cause someone asked him what he did with his first PB paycheck and he said he took a flight home to visit his family. Goodness.

Something's gotta give, you know, no one's perfect. We just haven't found it yet. Man.

I'm starting to like the idea that I talk about tv here more than anything else. Because I'm prickly about telling the world what I feel. Talking about the telly just seems really safe. Bytheway, I realise my guestbook's dead. Because the people who usually fill it are far away and have apparently forgotten me. I mean Duck, mostly, because I haven't heard from her in eons, it seems, and she barely updates her own LJ. London has conquered her brain. And I hate the fact that mine and Eunice's timetables clash really really badly that we can't even go home together like we did last sem. And Pigey's just... elusive.

So yes, I'm a vagabond in NUS. I drift from faculty to faculty, befriending a variety of people, but never sticking to any one group. Sometimes I feel like I'm fading.

I watched the very last bit of Hitch on tv earlier today, again. The part where Will Smith actually jumps on a moving car to convince Eva Mendes that he loves her. And she practically shrieks (along the lines of), "Why did you jump? Are you trying to get yourself killed?" And he says, "Because that's what people do. They jump. And hope to God they can fly."

Fluffy fluffy fluffy. Hollywood gives a million advice about love and yet the red carpet is littered with marriage wrecks and divorces and failed relationships. Their credibility is seriously questionable. Actually. True love, like ghosts, is something people hear about, talk about, tell stories about, wish for but only few get to experience. It's one of the sad things in life.

ohmygosh. I do talk about tv too much in here. whatever.

Am watching supernatural and dean and sam are arguing over the existence of angels. Sam says they exist because there's over a tonne of lore on angels alone, more than anything else! And Dean replies, "Oh you know what? There's a ton of lore on unicorns too. I hear that they ride on silver moonbeams and they shoot rainbows out of their ass." The Dean I adore. Cracks me up.

Went out with the ex-math-sy people today! We ate at Sakura and walked a lot and sat at coffee bean to talk. And I met hudy and marli's sec school friend. And I realise the world is waaay too small.

And then went to Abang Yan's to meet family. And when we were in the car on the way out at midnight, there was this makcik by the side of the carpark who peered into our car and I got completely freaked out. She wore a tudung but she was dressed in black and what the hell was she doing out alone at midnight? She was scarily weird! She had this grim expression on and I was insanely wondering if she was a nenek kebayan. She peered in, but my dad drove on, and then she started to walk towards us to try to peer in again, and I was like begging my dad to hurry and go. Freeeeaaakky.

The more I think about it, the more certain I am that NUS should have a motel on campus. They can charge rooms by the hour. So that I can actually sleep on a bed during horribly long three-to-four hour breaks! Seriously man. I'll end up sleeping with my head propped on a wooden table and it is decidedly uncomfortable and frustratingly unsatisfying. You wake up wishing you'd been in a bed. And then you'll be irritable all through the rest of the lectures of the day, struggling to stay awake. Damn it.

Really! Why doesn't someone have a motel on campus! It would work! It would! For people who don't stay at hall but want to sleep on campus at times.

Wah those tv hosts! Seriously! It's both frustrating and amusing. They interview actors etc and they start getting touchy feely with them! Like Kristin Veitch on E! - She keeps hugging Wentworth Miller! And she keeps being exceedingly corny. And my sister tells me vehemently about the time Vanessa on TRL touched Orlando Bloom's tattoo. The tattoo's on his abs or stg like that, and she had to touch it. It's just ugh! And it's not an issue of "He's my man, keep your hands off!" It's an issue of "Stop trying to cop a feel, you're embarassing women everywhere, and especially embarassing dignified fangirls like us!" There are such things as dignified fangirls.

Okay, I have screws waaay lose.

Tonight's First-leg of Asean Finals: I thought the Thais disgraced themselves a bit when they refused to concede the penalty. It became childish, almost. Like when little kids play with their siblings and mummy comes along to scold big brother to play fair and big brother starts pouting and throwing a tantrum. I mean come on. Dignity, yo, dignity!!! (This particular virtue seems to be my line of argument tonight.)

I'm trying to promise myself to wake up at 5 am to do programming, because I know if I do now, I'll end up sleeping on my worksheets. so nighty-night.

You know you're a pathetic fangirl when the sight of an origami bird gives you an irrational amount of happiness. I swear, everything on that show is a superstar. I'm talking about Prison Break, of course, if you didn't already know.

My sister made the little bird and then I cam-whored it, if that makes any sense.

And Sarah Wayne Callies is pregnant! Good for her of course, but what happens to Dr Tancredi? They can't make her die. Fans will go ballistic.

On other things: I finally talked to Sowmya after so long! And apparently she's flying away to Aussie too. Can't wait to sit around and chat.

I just watched a cute scene on tv.

This married couple was having a fight. The wife then goes to one corner of the living room and sits on the couch and refuses to speak to him. He goes over to her and starts looking for something. He looks behind her, under the couch cushions, under the coffee table, in the drawers, under the mags, everywhere, until he drives her half-mad.

Finally, annoyed, she asks, "What are you looking for?"

And then he goes, "I found it!"

She says, "What?"

"Your voice!"

And then she can't help but smile.

Wonderful tension dissipator!

omg. programming is making me scream even before I get to doing it! the stupid thing refuses to let me sign in. seriously lah. why does everything make me feel like slamming my head against something hard. helpdesk better mail me back soon.

and a freaking paper due this weekend.

Deprived of sleep I am.

Yesterday was a damn tiring day. This is how it goes for an entire day.

0600 - wake up.
0800 - Arrive at Engine fac. Sit down at cafe with apple crumble and bubble tea and try to do some phy for tutorial later on.
0900 - phy lecture at lt 7A with nadzirah.
0945 - rush from engine fac to science fac. stupid shuttle bus was slow.
1010 - calculus tutorial which was so full by then, there were no seats, so I had to drag in a chair from outside.
1100 - move from science fac to arts. here I have a break and so I sit down at forum and try to do phy again.
1200 - evolution lecture at uspbuilding
1350 - RUN from arts to engine (E1)
1400 - phy tutorial
1455 - rush from engine to science for molecular genetics lab
1515 - reach life science lab
1755 - finish lab
1950 - reach home

And all I had the entire day was apple crumble!

sometimes feel like just collapsing.

damn damn damn. sick of being such a dreamer.

I should try diving into work.

I happened to watch a little bit of 'Wild on Tara' on Channel E! just a while ago. And am absolutely disgusted and annoyed with Tara Reid and her friends. Disgusting! They were at one of those tomato party-thingys in Spain - you know, a whole street of people throwing tomatoes at each other for fun; go figure. Tara and company wore really short shorts and exposed about 7/8ths of their boobs. As they walked around, they practically made every male in the vicinity stare, to put it mildly. To be more accurate, the men went a bit giddy with joy at the sight of them. Some guy tried to take a photo of one of their very admirable assets and she went like, "Oh my god. That guy's trying to take a picture of my boobs!" Well, you put them on display, my dear. You were asking for it, consciously or not. Don't pretend to be affronted.

Stupid women. A disgrace to the rest of us. Cheapen yourselves some more, why don't you. Why not just go naked, huh. You don't seem to value modesty anyway. Modesty is so when men look at you, they don't look below your chin. Seriously, seriously, dumbasses.

No, I'm not asking you to hide behind blue veils like the Afghan women. I'm just asking you to be decent, for God's sake.

Why do women do this to themselves!!! Argh. You talk about equality, and then you go and encourage men to objectify you. Oh my god so dumb I can't stand it.

~~~

Away from that, met up with Nadia today and man, I splurged. I think I might be going broke. Too scared to tally up my expenses. :S

I seem to lack time nowadays to post comprehensive entries. So I've decided to be brief and chopped-up. Give random thoughts or describe random happenings in a few sentences or so.

I recently chopped my long hair so that now, I look like Scully or Dora the Explorer. Take your pick.

And because of Blood Diamond, (and I thought of this when I was sitting in the cinema itself), if I ever get married, I don't want a diamond ring from my intended. Not unless he can prove to me a 100% that someone didn't die for me to have the ring. I'd have anything else in place: platinum, yellow gold, white gold, silver, hey, even brass.

Watched Eragon and my goodness. Can we stay from LotR please. Aside from the names (Eragon and Aria), there were numerous, really numerous, similarities. Like when Eragon said, "I didn't choose this." (He means the dragon egg.) That line is just so Frodo. Too Frodo. And the weird creatures-cum-warriors that the evil shade (bad wizard) sent off to kill ignorant Eragon (again a Frodo trait) were much too reminiscent of Uruk-Hai. This is one of those movies that people say isn't good, and it really isn't!

I realise that I've been watching too much prison break and my brain's been overloading on it. So instead of multiple viewings of those beautiful blue steels staring into space (and I mean Michael Scofield's eyes here. Read TelevisionWithoutPity's reviews. Hilarious.), I've returned to Supernatural and forgotten how much I love Dean too. He is so freakingly entertaining. Plus he has the essential ingredient in my love affairs with fictional characters: the tortured soul.

yay for the weekend.

Having physics lecture. And have forgotten how bad physics lectures can get. Nodded off a bit.

Everyone should go watch Blood Diamond. It's a fantastic human story. And DiCaprio has won me over as his fan. His acting is top-notch.

I had my USP writing course just this morning. At first, I was a bit terrified of the fact that we'd be a mere total of 5 students and an intimidating professor. But it turned out just fine. Very fine. And I can say I quite like the small group atmosphere. Speech comes more naturally.

The linguist Mr Nerney turned out to be funny as hell. He's telling us about analysing readings, and looking for assumptions, and he says, "I don't fucking care about your opinions." He wants us to give the facts straight. (or something like that. The gist of this module still eludes me.) He freely spouts shits and fucks here and there, but not with any real malice, and it successfully lightens the atmosphere, cause we know he isn't just a prim and proper professor. I like.

Have Calculus in a bit, and yay, I have Aisyah.

My computer has been infected by spyware, and am worried sick. I shall have to go to challenger tomorrow and get me compaq well again. It's scary; all these random pop-ups.

So not in a good mood.

It's raining! My brother says that, before the start of any school year, the skies will rain down in tandem with the sorrow of all the little kids of this country, as they begin another torturous year of tests and exams. Let's see if the theory stands next year.

And this is the rhino that chased our van in surabaya! Okay, it didn't actually run at full speed, but it sorta jogged. Still scary, okay.

Something's wrong with my guestbook, I think. Really can't be bothered with it right now though.

2007 already. My teen years are going to be over.

Last night, after hari raya haji at granny's house, we refused to stay at home, so we went to the airport to welcome the new year. We just sat at burger king for a good hour, eating and doing stupid things like playing the OR game.

If you had to lick either a cockroach or a lizard, which would you lick?
Who would you rather marry: a girl who was very, very hairy or very, very fat?
If you had to be subjected to one of these two painful things: pulling out a healthy adult tooth or pulling off one of your fingernails, which would you prefer?
If you had to, would you rather eat a dog or a cat?
Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston?
Pocong or pontianak?

The list goes on. Damn hilarious. And Hussein was like, "Tak boleh cabut gigi ah, nanti tak handsome."

And whoo. I finished my surabaya video!!!

I was talking to my sis the other night and I told her that if I died first, I'd leave her all my private stuff. I'll give her my written journals, my crappy quote-filled, scribble-filled notebooks and all my passwords that I use online for anymore private crap. Then I'd want her to burn everything.

Then I realise the extent of my cloistered life. The way I keep, seriously, EVERYTHING, under tight wraps. And I realise I trust very, very few people. What is wrong with me.

Then I think, maybe everyone's like that. Nobody really knows that many people. No one single person knows, for real, more than maybe five people. I mean, really know someone.

Like... I'd look at my mom, and I see my mom. But there are times when I realise that she's a girl too, was, is. And it dawns on me that I don't know her, as anything more than my mom.

You know?

Anyway, last entry was full of melodrama. Pfft. Like I said. In the heat of the moment, one tends to blow things slightly out of proportion. When you take a step back, you gain some rationality and become that little bit more detached, so that you can finally see what an emotional fool you were at that point in time. (Now I start to wonder... which position is closer to the reality of the situation. Oh nevermind.)

To better things: I have got my hands on PBSeason2 and yes, I am having fun feeding my obsession! I am a TV junkie.

I don't know what to say. I just feel, for lack of a better expression, screwed over. Or I'm deluded. I don't know which it is. Either way, it hurts. How could I have been so stupid, so wrong? At least I know now. And I won't be stupid anymore. I really must be living in a bubble, or something. Ugh.

Signs, signs, signs. How do you interpret them? I'm freaking out. I'm scared.

Be brave, be brave.

Goodness. You must be wondering what I'm blogging about.

Sometimes, don't you wish you could have someone take you by the hand and show you the right way? So you don't have to handle the confusion.

I'm having a freaking headache.

And oh god, the stupid internet connection. Keeps going.

You know how you admire the amazing people in stories? You know, like William Wallace, or Frodo, or Harry, or Peter Parker. How brave they are, how strong. And you wish, you know, you could be a little bit like that. And maybe you wish you could be offered the opportunity to test yourself, to see if you could be like that. But then when real things happen, it's different, isn't it? I think it's harder than you can imagine. Less fantastical, more real, more painful, infinitely scarier.

I think. I am a closet drama queen. Yes, I am. What else can account for this... crappiness.

Right now, I want Season 2 of Prison Break so much, I think I'd do almost anything for it. Anything! Short of crime, at least. Oh, piracy excluded.

Oh whoops. @_@. Will I get arrested for saying that?

Whatever. I WANT SEASON 2!!!

How can anyone have such pretty eyes? It shouldn't be allowed. Wentworth Miller, I mean. Besides, guys should not have the prettier eyes. You know what? TV is detrimental. It sets your standards of beauty so high, you can't possibly find anyone real to match.

Okay, bidding for modules are starting soon. I mean, tomorrow. I shall stop. Toodles.

Okay, fine, I'm not going on a hiatus just yet.

I don't wanna hurt you
I don't wanna make it sway
Like I know I've done before
I will not do it anymore.
I've always been a dreamer
I've had my head among the clouds
But now that I am coming down...
Won't you be my solid ground.

Oh my god... I love this song so much. It doesn't seem to get old with me.

Speaking of which... the song of the Surabaya holiday was... definitely... Taufik's Usah Lepaskan. We are so jiwang.

I should have said something a long time ago. But was lazy. Yes, am back from Surabaya. And have been going crazy over Prison Break. Gosh gosh gosh. I managed to persuade my dad to get us the entire season 1 and we finished it and now I'm dying to get season 2.

So me and sis indulge in stupid music videos on youtube and interviews. But the problem is - gah - they never censor spoilers. We were watching Wentworth on a talk show, I think, and then they suddenly showed a clip from season 2 about someone betraying someone else. I mean, like, COME ON. Give me a warning please! I literally leaped away from the screen, screaming, covering my ears and squeezing my eyes shut. But it's too late, damn it. I can't erase what I know now. I neeeeed Season 2!

Anyway. to speak of Surabaya: It was fun, of course; when has a holiday never been. I think it takes little to satisfy me, anyway. I think a big part of it were the haunted houses at the theme parks. They were scaaaarrry. There was one where a big statued person came leaping at us and my sister fell back onto me in the carriage, screaming her head off. And there was also the part where we had to walk and we stopped next to a wooden coffin, and then it started vibrating. And we screamed. Then it opened. We screamed. And then a plastic corpse jumped out. My sister and me screamed and fell on our butts in shock. Hilarious now, to think of it. There was also a pocong that was put above our heads and we're all staring at it fearfully. Then, as we pass directly under it, it falls like five inches lower, almost to our heads, making me scream like never before while trying to squash myself into the foot space of the carriage.

Oh my god, so funny.

Then there was the animal safari where a rhino tried to chase us. really! We were in a van. Then there were the pretty zebras which were too much to resist, so my dad climbed out of the vehicle, attempting to touch the zebras. But we got spotted by an officer, who got angry. And then we understood why. A rhino started following us! At one point it was really running after us and we were all screaming! But I think the officer was around and made sure the rhino didn't really sondol us or anything.

Okay, there seems to be a problem with photo uploading now. So next time I'll put photos, maybe. Or not. I have an urge to go on an indefinite blogging hiatus. Ta.

It is 3.40 am in the morning. And am wide awake. Because I have stumbled upon wonders and wonders - Ahmad Deedat videos on youtube. Been watching for hours. And even if you hate him because you're Christian, you have got to admire the man's guts. The way he speaks about Christianity and systematically bashes about it, really, makes me cringe for him. In multiracial Singapore where we are so scared to tread on each other's toes, someone like him would surely make you shiver in shock, at his unbelievable audacity. But I suppose, when you believe that God is on your side, you have no qualms whatsoever. :)

When does it finally come to the point where you actually dare to think you've been wrong all along? It's a scary situation.

Tonight was damn fun. I went out, after what seems like a very long time, to have dinner with aunts. Then we went to vivocity, just because. And we sat down facing Sentosa. And then Cik An was telling us how she calculated that all her kids were 62% Indian. And I decided to do for me. Using the concept of genetics (you get half from your mum, and half from your dad), we got this:

44% Malay
25% Indian
19% Arab
12% Chinese

The Malay has all: Bugis, Bawean and Jawa elements. Plus Riau and Terengganu. And the Indian has Malbari and Pakistan. Wah, damn rojak ah. I like. I'm truly Singaporean in a way; very multiracial.

Which is why, when people ask me what race I am, I really don't know what to say. My dad insists we're Arabs cause of the family name. Okay fine. But from my calculations, we're mostly malay. Which makes sense. But then I've been told I don't look very malay. Oh well. What does it all matter in the end. I'm me. I live in Singapore and I'm Muslim.

Our conversation, at one point, turned to the story of my great grandmother on the paternal side. She was apparently born alongside a little white crocodile. No, really. A white crocodile twin. Reallllly. There were such stories in kampong times.

So, am I 1% reptile? Heh. Hints of scaliness within my blood.

And oh my god, to go off topic here, I really love Prison Break. You could watch it just for Wentworth's eyes, but the plot's pretty gripping too. And the romance is picking up! :)

Am rereading my lit text: The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie. The ten-year-old girls are so hilarious. They discuss sex so much but think it's disgusting and scary. And this is just funny.

"I wouldn't like to have sexual intercourse," Sandy said.

"Neither would I. I'm going to marry a pure person."

"Have a toffee."

The toffee part is so incongruous! Haha.

This one is also funny. Sandy makes up stories in her head; this one about Alan Breck from Kidnapped and his lover (herself!):

Supposing that passion struck upon them in the course of the evening and they were swept away into sexual intercourse? She saw the picture of it happening in her mind, and Sandy could not stand for this spoiling. She argued with herself, surely people have time to think, they have to stop to think while they are taking their clothes off, and if they stop to think, how can they be swept away?

Lit will be over soon.

Damn the exams ah. I want to go bowling with my cousins!

Okay, I am done. Looking at past mistakes. Whatever. Never again. Done done done.

Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Be steel.

My brother has been cleaning up his room and as a result the whole house is chaos. What he does is scoop all manner of things into black garbage bags and dumps them at our balcony. The moment I peek into one of the bags, I find something worth keeping. The first thing I found was our old nail clipper that my mum had complained was missing. Today I collected: a whole stack of past year papers for our cousin who has yet to take the As, my GP RJ Bulls, literature guides on To Kill A Mockingbird and Shakespeare, a magnetic chess travel set and the brochures to the ivy leagues (which made my heart ache).

Why is it some people lack sentimentality.

I look through Princeton In Brief and immediately feel like bashing self up. Or do something so I don't feel like... this.

95 percent of the Class of 2008 were in the top 10 percent of their high school classes.

I just feel frustrated.

And Carnegie Mellon actually has a Bachelor of Science and Arts course on Biological Sciences and Psychology. Why am I so dumb and didn't check this out. I can't take the pain.

So stupid. And I took the SATs twice for nothing. Really, man. Urge to hurt self is becoming irresistable. The stupid things I do. About everything. Feel like I can't breathe when I think of my past stupidities. Eeeyaaaah.

If only I had remained ignorant, maybe I'd be happier.

Cannot wait for all the papers to be over!

This whole studying thing has changed. It's more like gambling. My old philosophy was to study everything as humanely possible (yes, nutty, but what to do) but now, it's all about calculated risk and gambling. The amount of knowledge to be learnt seems more than a mountain-load so instead, I calculate the probability of such-and-such concept being tested. So right now, I'm thinking one of the long questions for LSM will definitely be on carb metabolism, so there I go memorising all kinds of dehydrogenases and citric acid reactions. But I will skim through lipids. Learn more on protein structure. Skim through enzyme kinetics. But learn hemoglobin.

Good luck to me.

The other day, this girl came knocking on the door trying to sell me some kiddy-looking coloured markers fashioned in the shape of santa, and rudolph, and all other christmas associations. I told her I wasn't interested. She didn't budge. I told her I would have no use for it. She maintained her stand and said, "Oh, you can buy for your relatives and cousins. The holiday is coming!" And I gave her a look, that probably said, "You have tested my patience. That is so the wrong thing to say." I sort of gestured to my house, my door, me - and said, trying not to be cold, "I don't celebrate Christmas." Her smile dropped a notch and she finally said, "Okay. Sorry." When she left, I rolled my eyes and shut the door.

Really. Why is it that Christmas has become a universal celebration? Hey, I completely respect the fact that it is a Christian holiday. But don't go around exclaiming that we should all have Christmas parties and have Christmas trees and exchange presents. If you're not a Christian, why are you celebrating? Do you even know the significance of this occasion? The same irritating thing happens with Halloween. I hear on the radio Singaporeans celebrating Halloween. What on earth. Maybe some even celebrate Thanksgiving.

The extent Singaporeans go to Americanise themselves is puke-inducing sometimes.

Some holidays are truly sacred. But when it becomes an opportunity for people to party, I get extremely annoyed. Like Hari Raya. If you don't fast or respect Ramadhan, in my view, you have no right to celebrate Syawal, and Hari Raya, my dear, does not apply to you. Note - the word 'raya' means to 'celebrate' a victory.

God, I have so much angst.

Usah biarku bersendirian

Usah biar hati mu di tawan

Usah biar diriku di sini

Seorang menunggu tanpa teman

Usah lepas genggaman tangan mu

Usah biar semua berlalu

Usah terlupa perasaan hati

Pertama kali kita bertemu

Usah lepaskan

support our local talents! taufik's malay songs rock better than his english ones though.

jiwangness is sometimes so nice.

taufik, hady and imran should really join forces. and take the region by storm.

Thought I'll just say, for history's sake, that chem is over. And that I probably wouldn't be doing chem ever again. (At least I don't think I will.)

Feeling excited for holiday trip cause of the video project we'll be working on. yay.

Thought I'd just add another icon for fun.

Isn't this just the cutest? I don't get it - why did JKR make Draco into a ferret in Goblet of Fire? Ferrets are perfectly adorable things (Just look at the picture!) and if her purpose was to make us see Draco in a bad light, I think she achieved quite the opposite. She made Draco into a furry, seemingly cuddly, creature, for God's sake. What's bad about that. Why not a toad. Why a ferret.

I have to do such things - looking at furry animals, I mean. So that I see less of chemical bonds in my head.

Will be flying off to Surabaya on 9th Dec till 17th. We actually wanted to go further away (Morocco for instance) but settled on somewhere closer so that the entire bafadhal clan can go together. I don't know how many of my family will actually be going... but I say near 20. Oh kecoh kecoh. But fun.

I wonder what the theme song for this holiday will be. We always have one for every trip. Well, at least the ones with Hussein coming along. Bringing card games. Oh yay. Am actually anticipating it.

It is less than two days away to chem and the fear is finally sinking in. Oh my goodness. I am very freaked out right now. How how how.

Cannot hyperventilate.

This need to excel thing is going to seriously kill me one day.

Omg. So funny. My dad just got out of his bedroom and creeped down the stairs, hair all tousled and eyes squinting, looking all blur, wondering why the lights are still all on downstairs at close to 1 am. And he was peeking at the tv lounge area. Muaha. Hullo. I'm trying to study here. Trying but constantly getting distracted. But still trying.

But that is so it. I am going to sleep now. Chapter 17 (hell of a chapter. ugh.) unfinished but what the heck.

And, oh, here's a bit of the regional news from CNA:

SINGAPORE : Advanced Medical Optics has recalled 115,000 bottles of its "COMPLETE" contact lens solution in Southeast Asia due to contamination. Due to a problem with the filtration system in its manufacturing plant in China, 2.9 million bottles of Advanced Medical Optics contact lens solution has been contaminated with the ralstonia bacteria, and are being recalled.

Wah. Thanks ah. Take care of your filtration system, man. COMPLETE is like, the most popoular contacts solution and almost my entire family uses it, okay. That ralstonia creature better not be swimming around on my retina. Or my sister's. Or my mum's.

HATE CHEM. Can't stand it. I don't see how I can retain all the stupid reactions in my head. I am glad this is the first and last chem module I'll do.

Oh, fantastic. Got the schedule for teroka seni and it seems lin and me are pretty much dead. Both of us are flying away for holiday and both of us still have to do the publicity stuff. Damn damn damn. I will so keep that vow I made not to be involved anymore.

I'm off to watch House of Wax. What does this tell you about my state of studies.

Just wanna say that: MY GUESTBOOK'S BACK! Not that you, whoever you are, really care. Muaha. But I have missed it. It has funny old messages. And I suddenly miss Nikki. Read her posts and miss her sarcastic crap. And Eunice's posts with those insane smileys just crack me up.

I've been thinking: I should call myself procrastinator extraordinaire. For once in my life, I wish I could finish studying at the time I want to finish studying. Glug.

Went to study math with the "linear gang" today. Of course, we got distracted half the time because the laptop was on and so friendster was easily accessible and some of us could indulge in favourite hobby: rating people's prettiness. Pretty hilarious. Then we had to eat. So again waste time. Then me and hudy went to pray and spotted the Love's Book of Answers on marli's shelf. Which turned out to be some sort of fortune thingy - you ask a question and flip to a page and the page will have your answer. Hudy asked, "Do I love shamiah?" And the book said, "Act as if your heart's in it." Ohohoh. I slapped her in repsonse. After that, the massage chair became the distraction. So all in all, was not very productive. But yay, hudy didn't get lost whilst driving!

OotP trailer is out!!! I must say the three leads have not grown in beauty in the least.

Okay, I know I am a nutcase when it comes to being obsessed with stories, books and tv. But it annoys the hell out of me when some other people seem even more nutcas-y.

For instance, the fact that some fans are petitioning for Dean's potential love interest in Supernatural to get kicked off. For God's sake! Leave it alone! The moment these rabid fangirls heard there was a girl coming into the show, the hate started. Yes, I post about loving Dean yadda yadda yadda, but it's all in the name of fun. I don't go around bashing the girl who might end up with Dean on the show. He's a character, you crazed people; you can't have him for yourself!

Of course, I suppose, part of the hate stems from the whole homo-Wincest thing. If a girl comes into the picture, poor screwed up minds can't enjoy a Dean/Sam in their heads. Not so much. Oh, woe it all. No fandom can escape the clutches of same-sex fantasies. And Supes is the prefect breeding ground for it. Put in a regular girl character, and everything tilts off balance.

Yes, sure, you can argue that homosexuality exists and there will always be people who are inclined towards it. But it's scary when at least 70% of the fandom enjoy it. What is this, I ask you.

Looking at the world of HP fandom, it's clear it has gone completely nuts and we've actually gone beyond homo relationships to trans-species. Things like Hagrid/Giant Squid exist. How do people think of such things? Appalling. I've sort of left HP online fandom because partly, it's hard to find decent things anymore. Gone are the nice fluffy days of Gryffindortower and Sugarquill. Now I'm just waiting for the last book and am sticking to canon, thanks.

I need to get me a D40. Need to. Need to. I don't need a too difficult D80 SLR with too many different functions I have yet to learn about; I just want a basic digital SLR. Please please please. Ever since, I went for raya visiting that day when Abang Shahrul and Kak Wati came along with their D40, I haven't stopped thinking about it. When I held it in my hands, a sense of nostalgia struck me and I realised, goddamn - I miss it. I miss the feeling of a beautiful, sleek SLR. And the sound it makes. Waaaaah.

Isn't it just cooool. I waaaaaant.

Omg. Casino Royale actually rocked. I think I might watch James Bond movies from now on. So what if Daniel Craig's face is wrinkly. He has blue eyes, a hot body for a - wait, how old is he? whatever. - a hot body period, and effortlessly oozes coolness. His eyes are just wonderful and the camera plays with it fiiine. You can actually see him thinking. Yes, I give this Bond my very big stamp of approval.

The action sequences were also very, very cool and entertaining. And real. And just whoa. The free-running sequence in the beginning of the movie was jaw-dropping, really. The black dude was jumping from building to crane to building like a monkey. And Eva Green's character was actually likable! Bond girls are usually UGH-inducing, but she was smart and dispensed witty remarks and not slutty. Yayee. Another good movie on my favourite action movies list.

The reason for my family going back to our habit of late night movies is my brother's completion of his A-level exams. He is being unbelievably annoying at the moment. He sees me with my chem books and goes, "You're.. studying? Wait, studying? What's that?" SO exasperating. He acts as though I haven't gone and done my As before. That feeling of freedom and infinite possibilities? Been there, done that, you nincompoop. But now I realise how much of an illusion that was. gah.

My moods to write are so elusive. And when they do come, they come fleetingly, and at importune moments: like when I'm on the train and am thinking and came across a wonderful idea, or when something funny happens but am outside without my darling compaq.

The day before yesterday Hudy, Khairiah and me got lost in Bugis after math lec because Hudy was driving and didn't know the way to SMU and the rest of us were equally blur. It was hilarious. We went around the fountain of fortune at suntec thrice. And essentially behaved like a nincompoop on the roads. Took out the directory, which turned out to be OLD and had SMU placed somewhere in Bukit Timah. My eyes were about to pop out lah looking for the freaking campus on the map. It took a whole hour for us to get from Kent Vale to SMU. :) SO funny and chaotic. It got so chaotic in fact that we had to stop somewhere near Arab Street and stare at the directory to find our way.

At the suntec fountain roundabout:
Hudy: Eh, which way? Which way?
Khairiah: Aaaah...
Me: I don't know! Nevermind, go one more round! No one's watching us.
Khairiah: *bursts into fits of laughter*
Hudy: Okay, I exit here ah... I think it's here.

- We got out of the roundabout and drive along until there's a turn that says towards Beach Rd -

Me: Okay, we should be going towards that direction...
Hudy: Yar, yar, correct. I think so...

- We drive along some more. -

Khairiah: Oh my god! Hudy! It's the fountain again! *laughs like a maniac again*

And true enough, we went around the fountain again. Making it a total of three times. I was laughing like mad half the time.

Okay gotta get cracking on the budget proposal and finish the horribliest chem prac report ever.

I really dont wanna get involved with anything anymore after this year. No matter how people may say... "We need your help...", "Why not! It's fun...!" or "Please..." I shall learn to say no. I keep getting roped into things I never wanted to do in the first place because I have a problem with decision-making.

Now when I finally feel like getting down to working and studying, I have a freaking budget proposal to complete. And I have no idea what we need the money for seeing as how I wasn't even at the meeting.

Don't clutter up my already cluttered mind, please.

Nowadays, I find it easier to say heck care to most things. Mostly it's because, I think, trying hasn't done me much good over the years anyway. So things that I know I fail at and I don't want anyway, I shall just trash. That's not who I am. So what if people think of me a certain way.

Being true to oneself has a fantastically liberating feeling.

Granny's over at our place again. My brother declared he wanted to learn to cook from her after As. My granny then appallingly says no to it because she worries what his wife would do for him if he cooks for himself - sleep? My jaw almost hit the ground in shock and fury. I immediately insist that she teach him. I swear to God: it is the women themselves who perpetuate this wife-slavehood. My granny, of course, takes my obection lightly and laughs it all away. While my brother goes exasperatingly: "I just want to learn to cook! Who's talking about marriage..."

Sometimes I wish I could put a dam in my brain to stem all these thoughts. I think I may be evolving into a full-blown feminist. Oh dear.

I just sent a letter to future me. So cool. Go to www.futureme.org to send one to yours.

Sometimes I wonder why I even blog anymore.

I can't think like this anymore! It's driving me nuts.

I look at pussy cat dolls on tv and think: Doomsday is near.

Have SS mcq test later this evening and have trouble even reading the freaking textbook. Sometimes the extent of my laziness scares myself. It's a wonder I even got this far.

My computer is being conquered by the Chinese. Everything is starting to become chinese-mediumed and it's annoying the hell out of me. My blogger account has not escaped it! Freaking everything is in chinese! I can't understand anything! I tried to change it last night but it refused to. And I simply cannot afford the time right now. So irritating.

Finally finished lit essay.

It's NUStress now. 3 weeks to exams and am freaking out because my grasp of them chem topics is very, very, very flimsy. I think I have a leftover fear of chem from JC times. Scary crap.

Been also watching The 70s Show on youtube (hence the backlog of schoolwork but whatever, I need to laugh okay.) and love Topher Grace. And Ashton. And Fez! They're so hilarious. And I also watched latest episode of Supernatural and love it more than ever. So freaking exciting. I am such a tv geek. Can't help it.

I miss video editing. And arabic. Once studying crap is over, I'll get on with the raya video. Been intending to use Sami Yusof's music. Yayyeee. It's strange how all my passions lie elsewhere from schoolwork.

It's nice to imagine that I live in a bubble of goodness. Ignore all the pain and the bad stuff. Just take a hold of it, and throw it all out.

Yay! I'm actually updating! No, no, dear bloggie, you have a few more years left in you. Am not abandoning you just yet.

Met up with Jean yesterday!!! Missed her. We had coffee and cake and cookie at Uni Hall's Spinelli. We chatted about school, life, how bleak things seem. Told her to go work at Raffles Hospital when she graduates. I like the people there.

Have to get back to work because of the nigtmare week, which includes three fraking tests and an essay due.

Feeling strangely nostalgic now. Thinking of old friends like Jean.

What the frak is wrong with my tagbooard!

frak. I like the word. Tis from veronica mars season 3.

Anyway.

I think I'm gonna trash the stupid tagboard and put my old guestbook back (provided I can find it again). Guestbooks give more space for expression too.

Firstof all: Steve is a stingray! A soft, fuzzy, adorable brown one. And I gave him to Eunice for her birthday. I love it. And it means more to give away what you love, right? Haha. Anyway, I promise me and Turk will go out for coffee and a movie or stg after raya to celebrate properly.

Second: Have a list to put up here. As a result of a crackpot conversation with Lin after our SS test the other day. It's our combined criteria for a future husband; includes the sensible and the ridiculous, you discern.

Great husband factors include:

1. Residence in the east. -- This is essentially dumb. But really. I was very unhappy when one of my cousins got married and moved from perfect Tampines to JURONG. Like hello. Turn my life topsy and turvy, why don't you. Yes, I am irrational, I know.

2. Fantastic voice for being Imam (leading prayers). -- A superb melting quality.

3. An orphan. -- To avoid the horror of mother-in-laws. Think women like Glenn Close in Hush.

4. Sense of humour. -- Because my family is a nutty family that sends me into bouts of hysterical laughter frequently, I cannot imagine being otherwise.

5. Leadership qualities. -- Sylvia Plath did say something along the lines of "Every woman loves a fascist". A man with authority and power plus the right dose of gentlemanliness and sensitivity makes any woman melt. Think Hector in Troy. In fact, practically every heroic character in any movie has this combination. It's probably a female biological instinct.

6. A romantic. -- I am somewhat cynical (blame my dad) of the capability of men to be so; hence this would be a bonus factor. It'd be nice to have a significant other who reminds you how much you're loved.

7. With regards to physical attributes - none too many. Just as long as the arms are veiny (so Lin insists) and taller. Bah. Which guy isn't taller than me? You'd be seriously hard put to find one. I'd say a better criteria would be one who wasn't too tall so I wouldn't have to shout to be heard.

So the list ends.

Anyway, finished Veronica Mars Season 2! And love the dialogue. And love my woobie, Logan.

Oh, did I say I was a kind soul this past saturday and helped clean store rooms at Pertapis? I should learn to clean my own space first. But those kids, man. They may live at an orphanage, but toys and clothes they do not lack. The public should seriously stop donating their junk to these kids. An excess of any one thing becomes useless. Too many clothes, too many silly toys.

Have a song stuck in my head. Sway by The Perishers, from the soundtrack of Veronica Mars. It's like a broken record in my brain.

Raya coming. But. Chem test coming. Lit essay deadline coming. LSM test coming! Math lab quiz coming. :S THERE IS NO ESCAPE.

Been neglecting blog completely. Hm. Been quite busy with a number of things, not all of them acceptable.

Was occupied with Iftar, initially, and will be again cause the budget report is due. With midterms (with which I wasn't happy). With going nuts over supernatural series at youtube.com (love dean, love dean, love dean :P). With Ramadhan in general. With getting worried over future upcoming tests. With school overall. But now that I've gotten myself to start writing (or blogging or penning) again, I realise I do miss the feeling of letting my thoughts flow and my fingers run over the keys. I have a secret love of seeing my words on screen. There lies my unshameful vanity.

Anyway, have to say that Eunice's recent recap of Lymond's Game of Kings on our train rides home has had my mind occupied over Lymond again. And I picked up Queen's Play to read the beginning. Thady boy is funny! I like. You know what I think Lymond fans should do? We should all unite and write to a big-name movie producer or movie director or scriptwriter and suggest they make a Lymond movie. Just the first volume will do. I just feel that the chronicles deserve more fame and appreciation. And it'd just be great to have it on the big screen.

Away from the going-ons in my head: went to Underwater Word with Lin today to use our free tickets. I think I like the crabs best. I think I like crabs a lot. My favourite is probably the fiddler crab which has one extra-big pincer and as a result, walks funny; or it could be the decorator crab, which piles pebbles, bits of gravel and whatever other crap onto its back in the name of camouflage. So ingenious and amusing at the same time. Muaha. And I like the dugong too, although we looked at it for less than a minute. And I touched a puffer fish and a bamboo shark. And there was this cute little Philippino kid who talked to us at the touch pool about how he forgot his name and he wanted to see Nemo's home, among other things. Adorable. And oh, I bought Steve! Muaha. Shall say what Steve is in the next entry or so.

Now I pause and wonder what else I should add to my entry. Should I actually bother writing, cryptically, what's truly bothering me, or should I forget about it? Hm. Maybe I should try being at least 80% transparent tonight.

I am worried that I'll be jobless when I get my degree, because I keep hearing horror stories of Life Science graduates ending up as biology teachers - which in itself isn't a bad thing! But if I had wanted to be a teacher, I would have rather taught lit. Granted, I'm not doing life science, but computational bio, but it doesn't make things easier. I'm still going to end up floundering around in the seemingly over-saturated life science industry. And it doesn't help that the other comp bio students in my year seem to be scary China and India scholars intent on doing nothing but studying all their NUS life. Which leaves me in the bottom rung of my major. Why do I always dump myself in impossible, energy-sapping, depression-inducing situations?

Also, feel suddenly weirded out by Kak Naz's serious urging for me to look for a significant-other now rather than later, when apparently, I quote her, I become too picky. The way I see it, I'm picky now. And besides, the idea is just appalling. You mean, I actually have to exert the effort and actually consciously pick out a choice? Like I'm shopping or something? Before what, good stock runs out? Just kill me and be done with it; that'd be much easier. I never was any good at shopping - it's an art I fail at, you hear? Besides, I have over-romantic notions in my head, (as a consequence of large doses of romance stories since as far back as ever), that such things are meant to happen naturally, out of the blue, in brick-falling-on-head fashion. Letting it happen otherwise would shatter my rose-tinted expectations. Yes, I am idealistic! Let me be! I swear, the real world just sucks big time. Because of it, I have to subject myself to torture.

Then again, I'm so blur, I wouldn't know a brick if one did hit me. I'd only hurl it back, and realise, only much later, in abject horror. Funny situation. But it's so painful, it doesn't bear thinking about, really.

Nice that am blogging again, but so does not solve tutorial situation. Gah.

Oh me gad. I didn't know Sami Yusof was big; he is big. I thought he was someone obscure. I mean, isn't that why nobody seems to know him? But apparently that's just Singapore and Asia. Apparently, there's a Beatle-sized phenomenon across Arabia, Turkey and now it's starting to creep into the Muslim communities in Europe and US. I can't believe I took this long to find out.

I am practically dying to watch his music videos. He is young and cool and smart and super-talented. And good looks too. Melt. Melt. Melt. See www.samiyusuf.com if you're interested.

Honestly, Muslims in Singapore can be so ignorant sometimes. Thank god we have people like Mudaris (who gave us Sami Yusof's cd in the first place) to keep us informed on the hot and hip happenings in faraway places.

I am the most karut girl, I think.

I dumped my phone into a mug of cold water and now it's dead. I was balancing too many things at once - my laptop, Elsie, a book, my phone and a mug of iced water - and there was a cg crisis and I scrambled and the phone plopped very nicely into the mug. It made a very nice plop sound too. I saw the light flicker and disappear and I had no time to do anything but gasp.

Then today, after the SS CA (which was okay. hand got tired but I could answer the question), Lin accompanied me to the musollah at science but when we got to the stairwell, I ended up not praying. Because it was so freaking dark! And so freaking scary! Hello, where are the damn lights?! But in retrospect, I should have braved it and prayed anyway cause get more pahala. Ah, so dumb.

And I had a very strange psycho thought today. As I was walking to the bus stop from home, I saw a cat sleeping on a bench, very nicely curled up, very, very adorable. Then, naturally, I thought of my adorable lamb, Elsie. Then I thought, "If this cat saw Elsie, would it think her edible; some creature meant for eating?" Then I had a scary vision of Elsie being mauled by the cat, its sharp teeth clamped over my poor lamb's cuddly neck, and me bawling my eyes out and chasing after the cat. And then I shuddered. And then I thought,"I'm insane to even think such things." I really sometimes wonder if I am.

Been clearing the favourites folder on my computer. It's a mad accumulation of stuff and random websites over the past year or so. I have websites about weird latin phrases and the mad monarch websites which has stories of lunatic-sounding rulers throughout history.

Iftar project is going relatively smoothly. So far. Of course, the budget I proposed was apallingly high, but then I expected them to chop it down anyway, so... hope that goes well.

Quite scared for Natural Heritage of Singapore CA. Have no idea what they could possibly ask. And have yet to finish reading the chapters. By the way, did you know you could kill the house crows and the pigeons and the mynas in Singapore without any penalty whatsoever??? You'd be helping the environment more by killing them because they're alien species and they're breeding too much and causing ecological imbalance. Our native birds have been displaced cause of them. Of course, you can't kill all birds. Just them and a few more specific kinds.

Had a photog gathering yesterday to say a little bit of farewell to Tsz San. What was most memorable to me about the whole thing was the fact that we had a discussion about cockroaches over ice cream. Colin was telling us about how he did a little bit of microsurgery for Bio Olympiad last time, and how they had to use their bare hands when cutting up the roach. Because, Colin claims, one cannot actually feel the roach properly if one wears gloves. You can imagine how horrified I was. Luckily I was done eating my apple crumble. And he talked a bit about how roaches have fat stores in their bodies - that's why roaches can survive for a couple of days even with their heads cut off. They just starve to death when their fat stores are used up. And the squish that you get when you crush a cockroach is because of those fat stores as well. Of course, we started laughing when we realised how insane it was discussing the disgusting creature over a meal. Mad.

After that, met up with Shen Onn for the last time before she flies off. Had a ridiculous time trying to photograph three of us together because we initially refused to ask someone to help us take the photo. There were a total of eleven tries before we got a shot with everyone's face of decent size and unchopped.

I can't wait for Ramadhan! Almost. I seriously think it's the best damn time of the year. There's this feeling of working towards a climax - Raya - and everyone's excited and planning. And we have the makciks comparing kuehs and dishes and ketupats. And people asking, "What colour you gonna wear this year?" And my insane family sahur (early morning meal before sunrise) - where my dad will essentially be deaf and say 'Hah?' to every word uttered, and depending on the general mood, causes annoyed grunts or hysterical laughter. And meeting up with extended family over the weekend to break fast together, which is always so superbly fun. And terawihs, which I think I get better at each year. Maybe I'll do twenty this time. And the nice feeling that my body is cleansed because I haven't consumed junk all day. And the nice anticipation of dusk while staring at the food in front of you - waiting for the moment when it's okay to sip that very appetizing-looking fruit juice - and realising that food never looks as good as that point in time.

Raya itself almost completely pales in comparison to Ramadhan.

I want to be normal. But not mediocre. What a horror. I'll kill myself thinking like this.

I want to be normal. I want to be like those girls who bake cookies and complain about how the oven conked out on them. I want to be the kind of girl who worries enough about their weight to actually lose some. I want to be the kind of girl who has numerous girlfriends and seem constantly happy. The kind of girl who's close to her mummy and is cheerful and the apple of her daddy's eye. A girl who actually knows how to shop. (Other than for books or vcds.) A girl who endeavours to make her room flawless and pretty. A girl who gushes about boys without feeling more than a tad bit bashful. How enviable. But not always.

Here I am, always going on about how depressing life is, more often than not. gah. Maybe it's because I feel like too much of an anomaly. But the weird thing is, sometimes, I relish that fact; that I am able to easily distinguish myself. So there you have it. A self-contradicting, ungrateful, indecisive psycho, I am.

Getting away from this, I just want to say that I have started to appreciate Singapore's natural scene - yes we have some. Went to Labrador Park to look at what's left of our rocky shore. And absolutely loved that 300m stretch of coast. Some weird seagrasses, some squishy things that shrink upon touch, crabs of various sizes, sea cockroaches and other numerous life. It's beautiful to know how much life there is in such a small place. Why do humans have to destroy so much?

Why are we given the capability to? So doomsday would come? Of our own doing; since we're destroying earth slowly and steadily? I think so. I mean, if God created all animals in nature so interdependent; to exist in an indisruptable, ecological balance (think beautiful food webs), why are we given the exception to violate that very rule? It seems that we were given the power of thought to rise above the animal level because God (or if you refuse to believe in an almighty, then, Nature), meant for the earth to be killed. We were allowed to learn to hunt, build, invent and kill more than any other animal is allowed to. If the point of this earth - its existence - was to sustain life, then humans wouldn't have been allowed to get this smart. The fact that we are smart enough to pollute and alter the face of the earth so much, shows that God had assigned the assasination of this world to us. This world is meant to end. Of course, I don't mean to endorse pollution and such; just because the destruction of the world is inevitable, doesn't mean we have to speed up the process. I'm just saying it's obvious something bigger is playing a hand in this world than mindless nature. Nature wouldn't have allowed the advent of humans. Nature would have carried on a ceaseless existence of peaceful flora and fauna; not suddenly dump destructive humans in the midst of every other creation. We were put here for a reason.

Wow. How did I digress so much.

I've been staring at the screen for ages, wondering what to put in this blog. What does that mean? That I have nothing to say? Or nothing to say to people who might read this? Or am I just sick of the idea of blogging already?

Maybe I'm just too lazy to put thoughts into words, especially when your thoughts are so muddled up all the time and it takes too much energy to distangle one from the other.

I shall be mundane.

The math and lit tutors aren't turning out as bad as I thought at first. They're nice people and they try to teach but it isn't their fault, I suppose, that they aren't that great at communication skills. Got a B- grade for the 15 minute essay assignment in lit tutorial which is way better that I expected, considering I wrote crap for the last 5 minutes and barely understood the poem. I'm still considering the S/U option. I'll see how the 700-word essay on Ozymandias fares. I think that, after being a pure science student for a long time, one loses the confidence of writing creative or reflective essays.

I must make myself busier. Because when you're busy, you focus on the task at hand, and have less time to reflect and think and be depressed or angry or confused. Ignorance is bliss.

I think I am somewhat incapable of disciplining myself within the confines of my home. Scratch that; not somewhat incapable, completely incapable. The freedom that I feel, especially with my laptop at hand and sitting on my comfy bed, always unfailingly makes me forget whatever few responsibilities I have. It's a strange thing: freedom in confinement. I am a walking contradiction. I go on about trying to get away and escaping and so on, and then I talk about freedom. I can't even begin to comprehend myself. Maybe here, I'm talking about freedom of mind.

Ugh, I have to stop.

Anyway, I wanted to blog about the fact that my sis and me found an account of our old attempt to make a crap movie called I Know What You Did Last Lebaran. I think it was about three years or so ago. And my video cam was still relatively a novelty. And we had this storyline planned out. It's hilarious just rereading it. I was to be the camerawoman of course and the editor. And the boys were going to act. And the setting was going to be in an Australian college abbreviated RJC (Am crying tears of mirth here. Roombawamba Junior College, with aboriginal origins, hence the name.). A group of boys were staying back in school instead of going home to their homelands to celebrate raya. Obviously, we then have a killer on the loose who starts murdering the boys to teach them a lesson (to remember their roots and not westernise themselves completely).

We had even planned names for our various characters! I was to do a cameo as a stall holder called Cik Leha (how she came to be selling kueh in Australia, I have no idea). My brother was to be the janitor of the school called Pakcik Kus; that old, wise character always present in urban legend movies who dispenses advice but initially arouses suspicion. Said was going to be the psycho kid - ridiculously named Asaad Kelada after the director of 'Who's The Boss?' - intent on teaching his friends the meaning of raya. He was going to go around killing his friends with spiky ketupats, and slash at them with green packets. And his trademark killing tactic was to be:

"Selamat Hari Raya!"

- K I L L -

"Maaf Zahir & Batin."

He was also to leave telling clues of trails of serunding and the smell of rendang at the scenes of his crimes. My sis and me were laughing our ass off. It's all so unbelievably hilarious. Hefni's character, Adam Muskat, was to be the first one killed off, being the most skeptical about the urban legend. And Hussein's character, Harun Stokin, and Saiful's, Nizam Dali, were to follow suit.

I wish we could have done it properly. I still hope we'll do something like it one day; if not this, something else. Hysterical fun it would be. We succeeded only once in making a movie called Misteri Bungalow Putih and a news broadcast which turned out hilarious as well. Damn. How come the old days always seem better.

Math tutorials are driving me nuts. Some of these tutors don't know the difference between tell and teach. Teaching does not mean saying the answer and staring at the student hoping to convey understanding simply through eye contact. I swear, feel like screaming almost. So far, best tutor is my organic chemistry module one. Very thorough. He doesn't have to have perfect English, but at least he communicates and one can tell he is attempting to make us understand. The math tutor simply gets on my nerves. She just flashes her crap transparencies and reads off what she writes. And assumes everyone gets her crap explanations. And when someone tries to ask her a question, she doesn't understand. So dumb dumb dumb.

I loved tonight's liqa'. My brain is still working overtime, thinking over stuff. Have found Harun Yahya's website and other links at www.harunyahya.com. Amazing. I'm starting to seriosuly question Darwinism. Was there ever irrefutable truth of evolution (and am not just referring to monkey-human transformation, but in everything)? Have scientists actually tried isolating some fruit flies in a different environment or something and observed the formation of a new species over time? Okay, fine, the selection pressure thing makes sense: you know the story; the pepper moth, which was previously prevalent, was the displaced by the black moth in polluted industralised places because the pepper moths became easily spotted by predators on the black polluted bark of trees. But that black moth ALWAYS existed before; they simply started to dominate. But it wasn't a new species, was it? Has there ever been a new species that was formed??? I should look around some more.

Anyway, got nice quotes.

There are three indications of a person's greatness: not complaining in the face of calamity, not groaning in the face of pain, and not praising oneself. ~ Abu Darda (whose maqam I went to in Egypt! It was in the middle of a road but they didn't bring the monument down but built their train tracks and roads around it.)

Narrated K’ab bin Malik: Allah’s Messenger said, “Two hungry wolves sent in the midst of a flock of sheep are not more destructive to them than a man’s greed for wealth and fame is to his religion.” ( At-Tirmidhi)

A person asked Allah’s Messenger (saas): “What is faith?” He said: “When a good deed becomes a source of pleasure for you and an evil deed becomes a source of disgust for you, then you are a believer.” He again said to Allah’s Messenger (saas): “What is a sin?” Whereupon he said: “When something pricks your conscience, give it up.” (Tirmidhi)

Idolatry is more hidden in my Ummah than the creeping of ants across a great smooth stone on a black night... (Tirmidhi)

Those who are most aware of death and prepare themselves for it, are the wisest of people. (Fiqh-us-Sunnah, Volume 4, Number 13)

The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman. (Muslim)

Been quite some time. 'Tis reminiscent of my old disease. That gives me comfort; I crave old times. The 'how-we-used-to-be-like's, as pigey calls it.

To summarise my life right now, I would say that I feel lost. I feel like am being buoyed around and have lost all my roots. In the sense that nothing feels the same anymore; nothing. Every shred of normalcy has - okay maybe not every, but a lot - has fled. Schedule has gone topsy turvy, what with going to campus sometimes in the afternoon and coming home near ten, and praying practically all five times in school. And being nowhere near my old friends and familiar faces. It is very nice to meet new, nice people but sometimes it gets tiring and depressing. Sometimes. Because acquaintances and good friends are miles apart in essence.

Which is why even going home with Eunice is a comfort too, because it feels... for lack of better word: normal.

Every day is so energy-sapping that I always have no brain power left to express myself here or anywhere else.

Haven't had the chance to sit down and blog this past week. Which is strange since, technically, time taken up by lectures is very minimal in comparison with all the gaps in my timetable. Most of my days will start off with a 10-12 lecture, then 4 hour break (save for a few 1-hour tutorials on some days) and then a 4-6 lecture. I don't mind it that much. The only problem I think is spending too much time travelling in one day, within and off campus. Wish I could teleport.

Discovered I like Spinelli ice-blended spins! Yay. At least that's something nice in the Frontier canteen.

Parents have gone on what-is-becoming-fast-an-annual honeymoon again. Freedom. Going out for dinner with Cik Dah.

Cracked up completely when Idol was on last night. Because my brother said that Joakim should kill himself. For staying so long in the competition and consequently feeling guilty he's taking up space. But really. His fans should do him a big favour and get him out of there.